Greetings, Jam fans and Scrantonicity connoisseurs! M. Giant couldn't be here tonight -- I suspect he's on his yearly pilgrimage to Scranton, but you didn't hear it from me. Either way, I'll try to dial down my adoration for the show and deem any squeals of "I love you, Jim!" and/or experimental beet recipes purely extracurricular. Just the facts, kids, I swear.
Jim and Pam chat on the phone. He asks if she wants to say hi to everyone, and she says no because she's mad that no one has congratulated her on the engagement. Jim reveals he didn't tell anyone yet because he didn't want to deal with their shenanigans. She claims it won't be that bad, so he engages speakerphone and puts her theory to the test.
Aaaaand... cue the reactions (paraphrased, of course) -- Oscar: You're not already engaged?; Angela: She used to be engaged to Roy, that harlot; Kevin: Do I have to get another gift?; Andy: Don't steal my thunder, Tuna; Dwight: You're marrying a loose woman! Then Michael walks in and asks what's going on. Pam tries to deflect, thus avoiding any inevitable Michael weirdness, but Creed announces, "The tall guy got engaged." Obviously a worshipper at the altar of Sarah "I Don't Blink" Palin, Michael immediately tackles Jim. Pam speakerphones, "Sorry." Credits.
The DM crew hunches over paperwork until Holly screams, "Pencils down!... Just kidding." She proudly TH's that it's "Ethics Day" and that she's excited to run her first meeting. She promises it'll be "insaaaaane." Oh, Holly. Mama may have, papa may have, but God bless the dork that's got her own...
Cut to the boardroom. Michael clumsily reaches for a boom box. Dwight finally turns it on. The first chords of that modern-day classic "Let's Get Physical" sound, and sweatband-wearing Michael and Holly jog-dance into the conference room. Cut to befuddled -- some might say disgusted -- faces. Can I just say, this routine would have been much truer to the spirit of Ms. Olivia Newton-John if Stanley and/or Creed donned spandex onesies and danced along? OMG, just imagining what Michael would have to have done to coerce Stanley into participating is a titillating thought in and of itself. "Pretzel Day" twice a year, perhaps? So, Michael and Holly butcher "Let's Get Physical," shrieking "Let's Get Ethical!" Cut to Jim's predictable "I'm so much cooler than this. Why am I here?" reaction shot.
Michael finally stops the music. Before Holly begins her gig, he TH's that he hopes to merge their friendship into a relationship so subtly that she doesn't even notice. Well... it worked for Jim, I guess. Holly introduces the ethics seminar, saying that a certain unnamed employee (zoom in on Ryan) breached DM's indomitable code of ethics and was fired. Even Kevin -- who, as we learned last week, is surprisingly bad with numbers for an accountant -- can do the math on this one. He points out, literally, that Ryan is actually in the room and was not so much fired as hired. Then he gives himself props for renaming Ryan "Hired Guy" and pounds it out with Jim.
Ryan stands to address the "elephant in the room." No, not Kevin! Bah-dum-bum. He admits regretting his actions, but says it was a wild ride. As proof, he cites an occasion on which he hooked up with a girl who looked just like a Survivor reject. Impressive...-ish. Because he's a uniter, not a divider (and has a massive man-crush on Ryan), Michael claps for Ryan's achievement.
Holly moves on to the questionnaires they filled out earlier. Number one: It is wrong to make personal calls during work hours. Agree or disagree? Apparently most of the DMers only picked "Strongly Agree" when they should have chosen "Totally Agree." Michael cuts the perceived tension by saying they can all "Totally Agree" that Holly is "totally fantastic." She blushes and moves on, adding that hanging out at the watercooler, for example, is "time theft," which is tantamount to stealing and/or taking money from the company. She asks for examples of time-wasting activities. Stanley, who is reading a book, dryly offers, "This meeting."
Michael tries forestall the staff coup, but Kelly gets riled up by the strict time-wasting rules and threatens to take up smoking. I would admit that I, too, have considered this tactic, but that would put me in the same boat as someone who purposefully ingested a tape worm... that she bought from Creed. Anyhow, Meredith offers to join her, since she just happens to have a bag of cigars in her purse. to the tampons and mini-bottles of Scotch, I'm guessing.
Holly plows on, but Michael interrupts to coach her on how to conduct meetings. He says, "People expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter... sudden twists... surprise endings..." In essence, she should be some combination of Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan. She should be Robin Shyamalan! Holly reiterates that she just has to read through the binder, but he says she's losing them.
She takes it in stride, opening up the discourse with a metaphor about stealing a pencil from the supermarket. Michael cough-interjects, but she frets that she specifically has to go over supply theft. Oscar notes that ethics is actually a whole course of study about concepts of good, whereas this is just corporate dogma to prevent employees from stealing supplies. Holly = flustered.
In his typically blowhard-ish, well-meaning way, Andy chips in, "Would you steal bread to feed your family? Boom!" He says he took "Intro to Philosophy"... twice. For his part, Dwight proves himself to be quite the Robin Shyamalan by saying the bread is poisoned. And, he adds with totally meta smugness, that it's not even "your real family" because "you've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter man." In summary, Andy is confused, Dwight is a jackass, Angela is dissociating herself from a situation of her own making, Jim is vaguely amused but generally ashamed to be there, Kevin is trying to make meaning from a series of words that have been strung together, and Michael is entirely too eager to participate.
Holly steers this hole-riddled ship back to shore, asking for real-life examples of an ethical dilemma. No one answers, so Michael promises no repercussions. He fondly reminisces about spending all the live-long workday watching Cookie monster sing "Chocolate Rain" on YouTube. Still, no one answers, so Michael grants complete immunity for anyone who participates. Holly doesn't think that's such a good idea, but that ball, she is a-rollin'...
Oscar admits he sometimes takes long lunches, which culture-savvy Michael deems siestas. Dwight calls Oscar a time thief who must be fired. Thus starts this episode's Dwight-Jim dynamic -- Dwight claiming with absolute certainty that he does not take a second of personal time at work, and Jim getting it in his wildly understimulated brain to prove him wrong. Michael wraps their little chat by calling Dwight "a thief of joy." Which profoundly clarifies his rapport with Grinchela.
Kelly confesses that she sometimes downloads pirated music onto her work computer. Michael praises her and keeps chugging. Holly tries to go back to that but is interrupted by Angela owning up to reporting Oscar to the INS. Turns out he's clean, but she doesn't regret it. Even Michael won't touch that one, so Meredith goes. She says she's been sleeping with a paper distributor for six years to get a discount on supplies and gift certificates to Outback Steakhouse. "Jackpot," says Jim. Michael can barely contain his amusement and freaked-out-ness for wreaking this havoc. Holly is a wee bit concerned by the prostitution aspect of the situation, but Meredith simply asks Holly if she's ever tried sirloin. Mmmmm-hmmm.
Still unprepared to handle what just went down, Michael decides to stick a fork in it, so to speak, and says that Holly gave them all a lot of good things to think about re: right and wrong. He sputters that it's probably all unknowable, then starts a round of applause and dismisses everyone.
As the others leave, he congratulates Holly on a job well done, but she's stressing about Meredith, who crossed the line. He shuffles around and tries to brush it off, as if not agreeing with her will entice her to laugh along with him, but I definitely don't hear any laughter in that conference room. Maybe if Stanley busted in dancing to "Let's Get Physical"... That'll make you forget just about anything, I'd say. Commercials.
Meredith and Holly sit in Michael's office. Holly questions Meredith about her "arrangement." Michael throws Meredith a bone, suggesting that she say on-record that there was no breach of ethics, but that she's just a slut. Meredith asks if she's in trouble, and Michael tries to calm her nerves and says it's a stupid formality. Holly is all business, but nonetheless tries to give Meredith an excuse by asking if the meetings were purely personal and unrelated to business. Meredith says matter-of-factly she wouldn't have done it if not for the discounts. At this, Michael throws up his hands and shrills, "Uuuuuugh, for the love of God, we're trying to help you, you stupid bag!" Then, he follows it up with a desperate smile to the camera crew that says, "You can't do anything here?"
Holly presses on, asking why Meredith got steak coupons, too. Meredith says it made her feel good about herself and gives Holly a really piercing look. Holly recoils uncomfortably. Meredith finally catches on. She says she thought she had immunity. Holly tells her that immunity went out the window when prostitution came in the door. She adds that she's never heard of anyone keeping their job after this situation. Meredith says she won't quit. Silence. All. Around.
Outside, Dwight leans back and takes a long yawn, during which Jim clicks a stopwatch. He records this four-second yawn as "personal time" that Dwight just "stole." Jim points out that Dwight himself claimed he does nothing personal at work. Dwight begins a tangential rant-slash-Jimpression, then abruptly stops when he sees Jim timing him. That's 17 seconds you just stole, beet farmer. Dwight gets back to business, hell-bent on disproving Jim.
Over at Holly's desk, Michael strides over to chat about Meredith. There is far-fetched Michael-and-Holly-style word play. I will not repeat it. He asks if she wants to "bang it out" over lunch. (That's what she said!) She points to a salad she already bought, and he not-so-suavely dumps it, and her ethics binder, in the garbage bin. He offers to charge lunch to DM, then remembers she's the ethics watchdog and backpedals. He tells her that, actually, they should split lunch. After he just threw her salad in the trash.
They go to a lighthouse-shaped seafood shack. Binder in hand, she tries to get down to business, but he blathers about the "business romantic" décor. He then confirms she's from Des Moines. His only thoughts on Des Moines. "It sounds... warm." She says only in summer, and he starts prattling about the seasons. She returns to Meredith, but he pile drives on with this nonversation, saying his favorite season is Autumn because it's the most contemplative. Holly herself has done some contemplating, though, and thinks she'll have to recommend terminating Meredith. Michael riffs on termination... coming up with Terminator. Holly plays along: [insert bad Schwarzenegger accent here] "I'm from the future."
Back at DM, Dwight is in the foreground while Jim and an unwitting Andy discuss Battlestar Galactica in the background. Jim purposefully butchers details about the show, throwing in all sort of ill-fitting sci-fi cultural references. Each time Dwight desperately rears up to correct him, Jim puts his trigger finger on the stop watch, and Dwight returns to work in defeat.
At the restaurant, Michael explains his boss ideology to Holly over lobster. He bases nothing on performance and adds that Meredith needs the job. Holly wants to keep it by-the-book. Michael suggests they say nothing and punish her by putting her under a six-month sex embargo. And how? Chastity belt! Which he describes in a roundabout manner that sends Holly into seizure-like head shakes. She is literally gesturing "No, no, no!" As first dates go... it could be worse.
Dwight works furiously back at DM. Jim THs that Dwight has not stopped working for one minute, including, but not limited to, sneezing with his eyes open and peeing in an empty soda bottle. This last feat we see in real time. Jim reports that clocking Dwight is so distracting that he himself hasn't done any work. He might even leave early.
Michael and Holly continue their back-and-forth. He claims they're in agreement. Holly reiterates Michael's push-over solution and asks what he thinks she has suggested. He flounders and admits he has no idea. She says she doesn't want to work in an environment with such "icky" goings-on. He counters that families must be tolerant. She counters DM is not a family. Michael is perplexed. Commercials.
Michael and Holly silently return from their failed lunch date/negotiation. Michael THs that the car ride did not go well, but claims no fault. He says he doesn't even want to take the elevator with Holly. He also mentions that he's holding her leftovers before spitefully chucking them in the garbage.
Upstairs, Dwight swaggers back to his desk. Jim apprises him that he was away 19 minutes and 48 seconds. He wonders what could have taken so long. Dwight says it's none of his business, and Jim surmises that it's "personal." Pan to Angela, buttoning up her blouse. Jim smirks that Dwight isn't completely ethical after all. Dwight double-dog counter-smirks that maybe he's not. In his own head, Dwight is James Bond and Hugh Hefner combined. What a horrifying place that must be. Also? Now we know exactly how long it takes for Dwangela to bump uglies.
Holly enters the break room and Michael not only refuses to refill her coffee mug, but takes the entire pot out of the room with him. Holly interviews that she's getting lonely. She recalls that this was what it felt like as a middle school hall monitor, except now there's less egg salad in her locker.
Later, Michael sits in his office. Ryan knocks to says that an HR rep is on the phone and Holly is on her way in. They share a tender bromance moment, grimly joking that the only thing worse than one HR rep is two HR reps. Holly enters and asks if she can sit. Michael smacks of immaturity, saying, "I don't know, can you?" Attaboy, Mikey. The way to girl's heart is surely through her tear ducts.
The conference call begins, and the corporate rep says Holly's report had a lot about an inappropriate sexual relationship. Michael tries to deploy the "immunity" excuse. The rep concludes that the situation warrants no action, especially since it resulted in discount supplies. ["These are troubled financial times after all. Meredith just had some foresight and initiative." -- Angel] Holly sticks to her guns. Then the HR rep hands her ass to her on a platter as Michael impotently watches. The rep barks that Holly's only job was to get signatures that proved the employees completed the seminar and that not doing so will warrant action. She agrees to do as told. Click. Dial tone.
Later, Michael THs about the ways in which he might tell a demoralized Holly "I told you so." He could give her a rose, make a funny joke, or just drop the whole thing. It's an earnest moment as that last option hangs in the air, and you feel Steve Carell come through a bit. Then you remember you're watching Michael Scott, and Michael evermore chooses the option we all know he will, yet hope he won't: joke.
Outside, Holly tries to corral the troops to finish the ethics seminar. They challenge her and claim she's setting a trap. Michael takes up for her, threatening to kill them all. Stanley points out that it's 15 minutes 'til quittin' time. So Michael goes into crazy boss mode and screeches that, if they don't all go along with this, he's going to lose it. Slowly and uneasily, they all stand and lumber into the conference room. Holly marvels at Michael's authority. And we wrap with Holly examining the distinction between sick days and personal days.
And for tonight's super-awesome bonus tidbit, we see the secondary DMers feast on Outback steaks, thanks to Meredith. She runs out to her minivan for extra steak sauce, and Andy, too, wonders how steak gift certificates factored into Meredith being a paper hooker. Kevin supposes it was tip but thinks she would have been better off taking cash-money. Phyllis doesn't care what she did as long as they keep gettin' them juicy steaks. Stanley concurs, and they high five. And thus we have consensus building -- a critical function in any office environment.
Is Meredith a slut or really business savvy? Discuss with other fans in our forums. And then find out what Michael really thinks of his staff.