We open in the conference room, where Michael is giving a typically boring presentation about something or other. Yet all the staffers are leaning forward, intently staring in his direction, uttering disappointed sounds at intervals. Soon enough, we learn why: it's nothing to do with Michael, but has more to do with the DVD screensaver on the TV. Jim interviews that it bounces off the sides of the screen, and keeps looking like it's about to go into the corner, and then doesn't. He adds that Pam claims to have seen it go into the corner once, when she was alone in the conference room. Cut to Pam's interview, where she Elliot Reids that she knows Jim was the one who cast suspicion on her story, but that she did see it. Back to the meeting: Michael yammers on, and everyone watches the screensaver square anxiously, and then...it happens! Right into the corner. Of course, this coincides with the end of one of Michael's sentences, so he thinks all the cheering is for him and not a collection of pixels. Everyone gets up to leave, and Michael happily waves them off, deciding to end on a high note. Once everyone's gone, Michael is interviewed saying that some days, he's just "on fire" -- framed, with tragic irony, right in front of his competition! That square has magnetism that would put an inanimate carbon rod to shame.
After the credits, Meredith comes hobbling over to Jim's desk to thank him for coming to visit her in the hospital. Jim downplays that everyone came to see her, but she's especially grateful to him. He's like, "...Okay." She hands him a Sharpie, asking if he'll sign her cast. Jim cheerfully agrees, but soon is made to rue his agreeable cheerfulness as she hikes up her skirt, exposing said cast: encasing her entire pelvis, of course, it looks like a huge plaster diaper. It's...well, it's burned on my brain, now. So much for sleeping tonight. But Jim is a man of his word, signing her left hip as quickly as he can. Meredith says she'll read it when she gets home, and canes her way back toward her desk, seeming to take her time to lower her skirt again. What happened to singling Jim out?!
Michael comes into the office, a garment bag hooked in his finger. Pam stops him and hands him a press release Ryan wanted him to share with everyone. Michael gets everyone's attention to announce that he'll be going to a big party in New York that night, with sushi and important people. Jim quietly asks whether that's what Ryan wanted everyone to know, so Michael actually takes the time to read the press release, informing us that the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website will be launching that day. Michael interviews that since the site is the brainchild of Michael's brainchild, Ryan, the website is his braingrandchild. Certainly Michael is believable as a braingrandfather -- one who drools and forgets things and occasionally poops himself. Anyway, to celebrate the launch, each of the branches will be holding its own party, and all will be linked via webcam (how 1997) to the big party in New York, which is for VIPs, like Michael himself. You can tell how excited Michael is to get out of the sticks of Scranton and closer to Sbarro. Back in the bullpen, Michael reads from the press release that the company is projecting that by 6 PM, "the website will be the company's best salesman." Michael adds parenthetically that Dwight should look out, though Dwight -- whose grief over the end of his relationship with Angela has caused him to forget how to shave, apparently -- refuses to believe that he can be beaten by a website. Kelly asks whether it says Ryan's seeing anyone, but curiously, Ryan has decided not to release that information to the media. Still, Michael tells her he'll find out, and Stanley drawls that he should keep them posted. Dwight challenges the website to a sales contest. "Waste of time," mutters Angela. "What's that, pipsqueak?" asks Michael, in the first of tonight's many references on his part to Angela's diminutive size, like he just noticed it today. Anyway, Angela and Dwight natter back and forth, all subtexty, about whether he can do it and whether she cares.
Pam breaks in here to interview, for those just tuning in, that "Dwight mercy-killed Angela's cat." She says that it's caused "a lot of unpleasantness" -- more so than usual given the naturally unpleasant participants in this particular psychodrama.
Stanley loads up the website and does a little chair dance to the peppy greeting music. It might be the happiest he's been since Pretzel Day, by which I mean, he smirks for about ten seconds.
Corporate. Ryan throws out some business jargon as he tries to act casual about the launch of the website. He's reinforcing this by putting his feet up on his desk -- or rather on a desk, as this office's actual occupant, an unseen "Thomas Dean," yells at him to do his interviews in his own office or out in the hall. Hee. Sometime later, Ryan picks up the thread again, rhyming off "viral marketing," "convergence," "going guerrilla," "taking it to the streets," "reinvent the wheel," and "it is what it is" at the pace of about seventeen espressos. In other words: Douche Factor 12.
Scranton. Andy will be keeping track of Dwight's and "Computer"'s sales on a whiteboard, though Dwight wishes there were an exciting way to announce his success, like with a gong, as Jim suggests. Fortunately, Dwight's got it covered, and sends Andy out to get an air horn out of Dwight's trunk. Oh my God, please let there also be an oversized foam cowboy hat like Homer's in the "Whacking Day" episode of The Simpsons!
Phyllis and Angela tape a banner on the glass outside the conference room. Kevin happens by and complains that 7 PM is kind of late for lunch, which is when Angela notices that instead of reading "Launch Party," it's "Lunch Party." She starts berating Phyllis, which is when we cut to an interview in which Phyllis says that Angela has been nastier than usual lately, which is why she's gone online to look up strategies for dealing with difficult people, and will be trying out some techniques today. The first, apparently, is to speak to Angela gently in terms of how this banner makes her feel; the result, you will not be shocked to learn, doesn't disarm Angela in the slightest, but rather allows her to rephrase her rage in several different ways. Kevin's suggestion that they change the "u" in "Lunch" to an "a" is met with similar disapprobation, which is probably why he's never been on the Party Planning Committee in the first place. Michael rolls up, all, "Hey, Lunch Party!," and when Angela bitches at him that it's supposed to be "Launch Party," Michael dismissively tells "Booster Seat" (heh) that no one cares about this party anyway. She yells that she cares, as if there were any doubt about that, what with the apoplexy. Angela then does an interview enumerating the many stresses she's contending with at the moment: tiny party budget, no prep time, incompetent help, cat still dead. Leave the recapping to the professionals!
Andy counts down to the start of the sales contest. Dwight fuels up with Power Gel, and makes his first call. Jim comes over to Pam's desk to suggest that they play a prank on Dwight. Pam's face squinches up, and Jim's like, "Come on," and Pam's like, "He's going through a breakup," and then the air horn's like, "HNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH!," and then Pam's like, "I'm in."
Cut back to Dwight. He's in the middle of a sales call when an IM window pops up on his monitor. "DunMiff/sys" wants to know, "Who am I?" Quizzically, Dwight IMs back, "You tell me." Pam types as Jim recites, "Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper." Dwight is horrified for a second, but then glances up to see Jim and Pam in conversation at her desk, grows suspicious, and IMs back to ask how he's supposed to know this isn't Jim. He then sees Jim walk back to the kitchen just as DunMiff/sys IMs back, "What is a Jim?" If DM/s is online, it should be able to answer that question for itself by means of vast quantities of fanfic. Dwight does not appear surprised by this development as he interviews that the website's come alive, as happens to machines and robots sometimes, but that he isn't afraid of the computer. Rather, the computer should be scared of Dwight, who's been the company's top salesman for thirteen of the last twelve months. And that's not a mistake: he had so many sales in February that Corporate gave him two plaques in lieu of a raise, which he holds up triumphantly for the camera. Sure, there are some who would have pushed for a raise. But the plaques are probably worth untold millions of Schrute Bucks.
After commercials, Michael enters the conference room to show the girls (and Oscar) his shiny purple party shirt (one of my favorite novelty hits of the '60s, by the way). And I mean, this thing...okay, the shiny stretch fabric can be tough on any figure, but Steve Carell is not a heavy man, and this shirt makes him look like he might be wearing a padded bra. Pam immediately says that it's too tight, and Kelly backs her up. Oscar: "This is why I'm here?" Hee. Michael and Kelly are quietly conversing about how many pounds he could lose in time for the party when the phone rings. Pam picks it up, dodges that Michael's in a meeting, and tells him it's Jan. Since he now lives with her, the only reason I can think of that he still owns this shirt is that he has never modelled it for her. And she's never seen it in his closet. In fact, he might rent a secret storage space just so he could be sure she would never stumble upon it unawares.
Michael, still in his awful shirt, argues with Jan about the party. Naturally, she doesn't want to go and see all her former colleagues, and when Michael attempts to sway her by saying how important it is to him to go, she tells him he should go by himself. He says that if he goes alone, everyone will think he's "a big loser." This is a concern of his, and still he hasn't taken off that shirt? And burned it? And shot the ashes into space? Anyway, Michael asks if he can take Carol instead. Turns out: no. Michael promises to find someone he hasn't slept with.
And speaking of chastity: Dwight racks up another sale. He's in the lead...for about five seconds.
Michael finds Pam and Jim in the break room, and announces to him that he has "two tickets" to the party in New York, and wants to know what they're doing that night. They look at each other meaningfully, while Michael crows at how they have their own language now, like twins. Eventually, Jim says that they'll go, and Michael says that they can fight it out over who it'll be; he'd been thinking Pam, but a guys' night out would be cool too. Jim's like, "Guh?," and Pam quietly tells him that one of the tickets must be Michael's. With Michael out of the room, Jim and Pam do fight it out: "Not it." Close analysis of the recording proves that, in fact, Pam does win the "not it" face-off. She just didn't want it more.
Back out in the bullpen, Computer's lead has widened to two hundred reams. Dwight is on the phone with a client; it quickly becomes clear that she's ordered from the website just today, and he berates her for doing that when she could have the human touch of a salesman. He slams down the phone on her, rather proving her point. Jim asks how it's going, saying that Dwight looks worried. Dwight barks back that he does not look worried, which is when DM/s pipes up again: "You do look worried." Dwight anxiously looks up, scanning the ceiling for hidden cameras. Dwight writes back, presumably cursing out the computer in binary. Jim, bending over Pam's desk, has her respond, "While you were typing that, I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything. And mastered the violin." Jim happens to look back over his shoulder just as Andy's attributing sixty more reams to the website, and adds, for IM, "And sold more paper." Dwight angrily slams the phone back down. He doesn't, however, decide that his scruff is what's holding him back and go shave it, which is a pity.
Angela stomps over to bitch out Phyllis for an inadequate variety of plastic cutlery. Phyllis calmly asks her to soften her tone, causing Angela to deliver a diatribe on the same subject in a mild tone suitable for reading a child's bedtime story. Google's interpersonal tips? Foiled again.
Darryl enters to deliver a ream of paper Kelly ordered online. Jim looks at Dwight. Dwight takes off after Darryl. This won't end well.
Dwight follows Darryl into the annex, where he shrieks at Kelly for fucking up his sales contest. Kelly obliviously defends herself by saying how much fun it is to move the paper into the little cart. Dwight starts to scream at her some more -- "DAMMIT, Kelly, IT KNOWS! IT KNOWS WHAT YOU DID!" -- and Darryl's like, "Who knows?" He orders her to return it, but Darryl inserts himself between them and advises Dwight, "How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper, you get back to your desk and start selling multiple reams, like a man?" Snap! Blue-collar snap! Dwight lowers his tone, but says that if Kelly's ream makes the difference, he's going to tell "it" that Darryl was responsible. Darryl would still like to know who or what "it" is, but instead of getting into it, Dwight races back to his desk to try to claw back some of his pride. Once he's gone, Darryl smoothly asks Kelly whether she's still missing Ryan. Kelly: "Not so much anymore." Darryl: "Mm." I have to say how pretty Mindy Kaling looks in this episode. Her hair is fab, and that adorable wrap dress is such a cute shape on her and makes her look really tall. I love you, Mindy!
Back at his desk, Dwight produces a small red metal index card file, which he guiltily unlocks with much furtive ceremony. He interviews that when he left Staples, he stole some of their leads. He didn't intend he would ever use them, though: "What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them." Dwight calls the first, offering a 10% discount, and trying to downplay how he got the client's number. Before Jim can turn this to his advantage, though, Michael comes out and announces that Jim will be driving. Jim's like, "Uh, okay," and says he has to go say goodbye to Pam first. Michael does a little more crowing about that. He then suggests that since he's on his way out, everyone can leave a bit early, but Angela plaintively reminds him about the party she's been planning for two weeks. Michael makes another short joke, and then after Jim and Michael roll out, Dwight gets another IM: "Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples." Dwight is left to wonder how the computer got its prongs into his head as we go to commercials.
When we come back, Dwight's racked up ten reams for the U.S. district court, and forty for the battered women's shelter. Andy and Dwight celebrate with a migraine-inducingly long air horn sonata, which forces Angela to confiscate it. Dwight's now ahead of Computer, but Angela witheringly reminds him that there's still an hour to go. And the computer clearly has the advantage of knowing every one of Dwight's patented moves.
In the car, Michael asks Jim whether he's ever read Green Eggs & Ham. Jim politely says that he did, years ago, but that he liked it. Michael says that he'd wanted to get Ryan Oh, The Places You'll Go, but that the store was sold out, and the two are basically the same. Jim quietly says they're not. True -- and Fox In Socks kicks both their asses anyway. Michael looks up, blowing two kisses at the window to mark their leaving Pennsylvania -- one for him, and one for Jan. He suggests that Jim and Pam come over for dinner, maybe on Friday, but Jim breezily waves off the suggestion without making up an excuse, instead changing the subject by asking Michael to tell him when they get close to the party location. Michael tells him it's a club called Chat Room, and that there's a password to get in. Jim's like, "Roger that," and takes the exit. Michael asks what he's doing, and Jim cheerily explains that Michael's holding an invitation to an online party. Michael says he isn't. Jim asks whether there's a www anywhere on the card. Turns out there is. None of the cool clubs has had a www in its name since...oh, at least since webcams were cool.
The thing we see is that Jim has parked on a side street so that Michael can get out and yell at Ryan over the invitation he didn't get to the big party and lie that he's already in New York, anyway, and that if Ryan tells him he has to drive back to Scranton for the satellite party, Michael's going to throw up. Well, it would seem that Michael will need to marshal all the bile he's working on now, because he's not getting into the big party after all. Ryan doesn't seem bothered that Michael is totally in the middle of Times Square (or something), barfing about him. To the camera, Michael crabs that this is just like in high school, when the freshmen would throw a party and not let the seniors come. Maybe just not the one who matched their socks to their bowties. As Jim gets ready to drive them back to the office, Michael asks whether it ever bothers Jim that Ryan got the promotion over either of them. Jim blithely says that he withdrew his name from consideration, and Michael quickly covers that he did, too. Of course! Who said he didn't? Or that it was under duress and pathetic? Hm?
Scranton. Andy counts down to the end of the sales contest, and we see by the board that Dwight actually won, 1270 to 1218. Andy excitedly announces Dwight's victory. No one cares -- particularly not Angela, even when Dwight tells her he did it for her. Angela yips that she didn't ask him to, and Dwight coos, "You didn't have to," and Angela rolls her eyes and walks off again, totally unmoved by his victory over the machines. He's like the John Henry of selling paper, lady! What more do you want? In an interview, an exasperated Angela asks how you let someone know that a relationship is over: "Notarized letter, right? But what if the recipient is your notary?" You...never should have gotten together in the first place?
Angela approaches Pam at her desk and primly asks her to set Angela up with someone: "I would like to have a relationship with a man." The camera swings over to Dwight, looking stricken. Pam stammers that she'll have to give it some thought, and Angela stiffly tells her to let her know, and takes off again. As Dwight droops in his seat, he gets another IM: "You beat me. You are the superior being." Dwight's face crumples. Dwight's life is hard.
And then Michael and Jim return to the office, Michael aggressively playing it off like the Scranton party was always the place to be anyway. Angela looks gratified that Michael is supporting her party after all, but he tells her that the party he wants will be nothing like the one she's been planning, and she scowls again. Michael notices Dwight pouting, and Andy tells Michael that Dwight won the sales contest. Michael cheers that for a moment, before getting back to the party business and ordering Angela to his office to take notes on the party revamp. He interviews that it was a disappointing day, in that he realized that he wasn't as important as he thought he was "to a certain executive," but says he isn't going to cry about it: "I did that in the car on the way home." Oh, thank God we didn't see footage of that. I might cringe myself into a stroke.
In his office, Michael gives Angela a completely unrealistic list of elements he would like at the Scranton party (set to start in less than an hour, remember), including three kinds of pizza, steak, orchids, something made of ice, someone famous, and go-go dancers. He wants the party to embarrass all the other parties, especially the one in New York. Angela pleads that she can't do it, but Michael says he knows she can: "Who else could do this?" Angela relents, and Michael clarifies, "Seriously, is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time." Angela stomps out rather than punch Michael in the face, and he calls after her that he'll get the pizza. You see, when there's a crisis, a good manager pitches in.
After commercials, Angela stomps through the bullpen to try to fulfill some of Michael's ridiculous requests. Once she's gone by them, Andy leans in to Dwight to ask what he thinks of Angela, indicating that he might be interested in seeing her. Dwight plays it off like he's never noticed Angela as a potential partner, and adding that he doesn't think it's a good idea to date someone you work with: "I think you should date Kelly." Andy, confused, says that Kelly works in the office, too, but apparently, to Dwight, working in the annex means that Kelly barely even works for the company -- in which case I don't know why he would expect her to be more loyal to him than to the website. But he magnanimously adds that Andy is also welcome to date Toby. Eh, I've seen worse pairings. And the tabloids could call them Anby.
Michael comes out to the bullpen to announce some good news: "Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?" There's a general rumbling of concern, which Kevin vocalizes on behalf of the group: "Alfredo's Pizza Café? Or Pizza By Alfredo?" Michael claims it's the same thing. But everyone else is vehement that it really, really isn't. Of course, Michael ordered from Pizza By Alfredo, the crappy one, because he had a coupon. Kevin interviews that Pizza By Alfredo is like eating a hot circle of garbage -- but given that Michael's idea of a tasty sub is bologna and ketchup, no one should be that surprised by his low standards. In fact, they should probably just hope he didn't order a whole bunch of pizzas with bologna. And ketchup.
Phyllis finds Angela in the conference room. She's stuck several Post-Its to her fingers and tells Angela that it's unreasonable of her to expect her to do all of them; Angela needs to pick one. Angela bitchily replies that it should be no problem for Phyllis to do them all, if she attacks the task with her usual attentiveness, to which Phyllis responds by balling up all the Post-Its and throwing them in Angela's face. If that one wasn't on Google, it really should have been.
Angela is rooting around in a box when Andy rolls up, asking her if she's looking for dinner and a movie, because she's not going to find them in there. The camera swings over to Kevin, who looks into it dubiously, waiting to see how this is going to play out. Andy continues his pitch, and Angela finally notices that he's there and starts rattling off a list of all the impossible things Michael wants her to get for the party and everything else that's bothering her, including a persistent itch on her upper back and the Greek food Kevin ate for lunch. Ew. Talk about your hot circle of garbage. Andy interviews, "They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Oh, really. Well, then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates." Ha! And yet, probably as grimly as any other company. Or grimmer, like the factory where they make Malibu Stacy dolls.
Pam calls Michael to tell him, "The Pizza By Alfredo guy is here." Michael wearily tells her she doesn't have to say it like that, and Pam counters that she "said it normal." Hee. Michael comes out to Reception, where the eight inferior pizzas are stacked up on Pam's desk. PBA Kid tells Michael that it's $63.50, plus tip. Michael tells him that he has a half-off coupon, so he actually only owes half of $63.50, and half a tip. Which would be what, to Michael -- a quarter? PBA Kid tells Michael that the coupon only applies to orders of two or fewer pizzas, and Michael counters that he clearly told them when he placed the order that he wanted eight pizzas. PBA Kid says he doesn't care what Michael said on the phone -- that's the PBA policy. Michael scoffs that PBA Kid couldn't have really thought Michael was going to pay $63 for pizza (um, not for one, but that's a pretty good price for eight, even if "It's not pizza!" as someone -- Oscar, I think -- calls out). Michael complains that the restriction isn't on the coupon, and that it's no way to do business. PBA Kid shrugs.
Michael, getting mad, insists that he will have his half-off coupon honoured, "end of story." PBA Kid replies, "Great story," and repeats what Michael owes. Michael slowly says, "I'm not giving that to you," and PBA Kid, mimicking him, says that he's not getting his pizzas, and goes to take them back and leave. Which, to any sensible person, would seem to solve both problems, but Michael is cheap, and is trying to make a point, and is Michael, so he decides to argue about it some more, ordering PBA Kid to stay at the office until they figure it out. He lectures to the rest of the staffers that they need to teach him a lesson: "That's not how you treat people. I don't care if it's pizza: good business is about respect and accountability and follow-through. You don't just make promises and then pull the rug out from under somebody, do you?!" You guys, I'm not sure we're still talking about pizza. Michael orders Dwight to escort PBA Kid into the conference room so that he can think about what he's done in following his boss's instructions with regard to his terrible, terrible product. PBA Kid protests half-heartedly, but ultimately picks up the pizzas and makes for the conference room, huffing, "This is stupid." "You don't even KNOW what stupid is!" shrieks Michael. "It's about to get ALL STUPID UP IN HERE!" For once, Michael is right. Although, I have to say, the biggest problem with this whole plotline is the idea that anyone -- particularly anyone this kid's age -- wouldn't have a cell phone on his person. Maybe there's a deleted scene where he curses himself for leaving it down in the car. Still. Weak.
After commercials, Dwight is standing guard outside the conference room. Stanley comes over to Accounting to ask Kevin and Oscar what they've found out. Kevin says that they appear to be dealing with a straightforward kidnapping. Oscar asks Stanley to look up "accomplices"; they're researching jail time. Maybe they should do that...from home?
Dwight interviews that he knows PBA Kid: he sneaks onto Dwight's farm and steals his hemp.
PBA Kid interviews that he knows Dwight, too: "He's that farmer who grows really crappy weed." He wouldn't be so disparaging if he were stealing crops to make lip balm out of.
Michael goes into the conference room to see if PBA Kid is ready to give Michael his discount. Turns out he isn't. Michael impatiently tells PBA Kid he should think about what he's doing, and PBA Kid turns the suggestion around on him. Michael snaps that, as an adult, he doesn't have to think, and tries to shame PBA Kid by saying he doesn't know anything about sales. PBA Kid, faux-quizzically, repeats, "Sales?," and Michael spits that he's in the business of selling pizzas, duh. He's...actually in the business of delivering pizzas, but maybe he can get a lesson about that the time someone orders from the local Scranton FedEx office. The discussion quickly devolves into PBA Kid repeating that Michael is a loser about a dozen times. Michael stomps back out of the conference room, where he's greeted by all the staffers calling for him to release PBA Kid immediately. Presumably several of them might attempt to bust him out were it not for Dwight standing guard, having already displayed his willingness to mace his co-workers.
In his office, Michael dials the phone while Jim stands before him, calmly asking him to let PBA Kid go already. Michael's not having it, and is calling Pizza By Alfredo to complain. Jim points out that Michael is trying to hold PBA Kid "accountable for his actions" by kidnapping him, but Michael retorts that he's just "keeping him" in the office. Jim: "As a hostage." Someone picks up at the store. Michael asks for Alfredo (heh), and then a manager, and finally just asks that a message be relayed to the manager: "I am keeping his delivery kid until I get my discount on the eight pizzas I ordered...Also, I would like him to throw in two-- three pizzas, just for our--" "Ransom," interrupts Jim. "Trouble," finishes Michael. He hangs up, and reports that the person at the store said no. Jim: "We should let him go." Michael: "No." I hope Jim is keeping a minute-by-minute diary of events for the eventual deposition.
In the conference room, Dwight tries to intimidate PBA Kid. It doesn't work. Angela enters to hang some decorations. Dwight watches her hungrily, for which the kid totally busts him.
Kevin enters Michael's office and asks to order some pizza from Alfredo's Pizza Café, while they "wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end." I swear they cribbed that line directly from Munich.
The party starts with PBA Kid still slouching sullenly in the corner. After a moment, Andy appears, wheeling in a gigantic ice sculpture of a couple of swans. Angela is clearly impressed, but keeps a lid on it, asking him to help her put it in place, and ignoring Dwight's moping that it's just going to melt, clearly not considering the many applications it could have in the torture situation that's clearly just a few hours off.
The camera pans over the table, from a plate of cookies shaped like the blue infinity symbol from the website over to a stack of the good pizza -- which, when Kevin opens the box, really does look awesome. Pam alerts Michael that Ryan is just about to introduce the branch managers for the webcam broadcast, and then Jim tells her that he'll grab a pizza if she'll get some sodas and napkins, and they'll meet on the roof. But they'll miss the webcam! It'll so take them back to their senior year of high school!
On the roof, Jim asks Pam whether she remembers the first thing she ever said to him. She does: "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your deskmate, Dwight." Jim says that's when he knew he liked her, and asks if she remembers the first thing he said to her. She remembers that, too: "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed-berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired." Jim confirms that was the moment Pam knew she liked him, but wishes there could be another moment. If he's wondering about the moments when other people realized they liked him...I already mentioned the fanfic, didn't I?
Conference room. Another branch manager blows his big moment by staring into his webcam and repeating that he wants a signal when he's supposed to talk, and then the broadcast cuts back to Ryan, smugly standing on a catwalk above the cool New York party, throwing it back to his hometown of Scranton. We see the webcam feed change to a shot of the party in Scranton: PBA Kid is still in the corner, and Kelly is standing close behind a particularly beady-eyed Michael, who blurts, "Hey, I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer. So take that, asshole!" The feed cuts back to Ryan, who smiles uncomfortably for a second before covering, "Always a jokester." Kelly steps forward and sticks her pizza to Ryan's face on the screen. I just hope she's using the Pizza By Alfredo if that's what she's going to do with it. Ryan yammers on about the clarity of the image as PBA Kid gets in close to the webcam to say that if anyone out there is listening, he's being held against his will: "I'm a minor." He slinks off again instead of making a break for it, though, so maybe he's logy from Dwight's bad weed right now. Angela is blotting the grease from her pizza with a napkin when Andy steals up behind her and starts scratching her back. He tries to tell her he was remembering what she'd said earlier, but she barks that she didn't ask him to scratch her back for her. Andy says that he knows this is weird, "because up to and possibly including right now" he has repulsed her, but that he likes her. "I'm not dating you," Angela declares, turning on her heel and stomping out.
Outside the men's room, Andy tells Dwight that Angela's giving off vibes that she's not interested in him. Dwight smirks to himself. Andy goes on to muse that if he likes Angela, he can't back down, and instead of getting upset about that, Dwight kicks the door open and orders PBA Kid to wrap up "#1" in ten more seconds. I mean, I assume it's PBA Kid. There's always a chance it could be Creed.
Michael finds Kevin out in the bullpen and asks if he's seen Jim. Kevin guesses that Jim wanted to leave before the cops got there, and lets himself back into the party, where Dwight is escalating his threats on PBA Kid. Michael anxiously hurries over and tells him to quit it, and finally the reality of his situation becomes apparent to him and he paces out to the bullpen, freaking out, "I kidnapped a kid!" Right on his heels, Dwight replies that he had no choice. Michael breathes, "I could have paid for the pizza." Dwight: "Well...yeah." Michael goes into his office to lose his shit some more. Maybe if Oscar and Kevin had asked Michael to look up "accomplices," he'd have figured out what he was doing a few hours ago. And the good pizza could have come sooner, too.
After commercials, Michael's in his office, on speakerphone with Ryan, who's angrily asking why there's a kid at the branch party saying he's being held against his will. Instead of explaining the nature of a Scranton party, Michael pretends that Ryan's phone is breaking up and hangs up on him. He then tells Dwight to go pay PBA Kid for the pizzas, and "give him a generous tip -- no more than ten percent." Dwight asks what Michael's going to do. Michael says he's going to open the door: "Hopefully, he will walk out. Then it's out of our hands." Dwight confirms that he's paying full price. Michael quietly says that he is. Holy shit, he really is spooked.
Michael watches through the conference-room window as Dwight counts out $65 for the pizza, and gives PBA Kid an extra $2 for his trouble. I'm sure all is forgiven now! Why wouldn't it be? PBA Kid takes it and wanders out bitterly. Michael tells him to drive safely, and PBA Kid flips him off on his way out. Dwight gets mad all over again, but Michael says that now they wait, and hope nothing happens. Dwight tries to get reimbursed for the pizzas; Dwight is not successful.
On the roof, Jim toasts to "avoiding Class II felony charges." For now!
Andy is over at Oscar's desk when the phone rings. He picks it up and hits a button. Kevin's desk; same deal. He takes a long beat, and then starts singing the lead on "Take A Chance On Me," accompanied via phone by, I assume, the members of "Here Comes Treble." He interrupts the song to tell Angela that's all he's asking her, and then they go for a big finish. As the song goes on, Angela smiles a little but, as usual, doesn't really give anything away, and as all her co-workers stand there waiting to hear what she's going to say, the other guys on the phone ask, "Hey, how'd it go?" "Yeah, what'd she say?" Aw. Andy says that Angela hasn't said anything yet, but the Treblers are all, "You gotta give us something!," so Andy is forced to hang up on them. He looks at Angela expectantly, but she says she has to go clean up, smiling reluctantly to herself as she heads for the conference room. She briefly falls into step with Dwight, but they don't speak, and he certainly doesn't try to one-up Andy with a soulful recorder jam.
Dwight goes into Michael's office, where Michael complains that it was a bad day. He says he needs to get the horrible taste of Pizza By Alfredo out of his mouth. He'd really been hoping for "New York-style sushi" today, and asks Dwight if he wants to go. Dwight really does, so Michael orders him to drive...
...and the thing we see is Dwight and Michael descending on whatever's left on the sushi platters that the caterers haven't cleaned up yet. A waiter tells them to get lost, which they do -- but not before grabbing a platter and a handful of chopsticks. What could be more appealing than sushi that's been sitting out in a sweaty bar for six hours? Maybe that's what makes it New York-style.
In the parking lot, Michae and Dwight sit on the hood of Dwight's car, eating sushi, when a guy comes by and recognizes Michael as "the Scranton guy," telling him he liked his performance earlier. Michael points to Dwight as the salesman who beat the website, and the passerby comments, "It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that." The guy moves on, and Michael giggles, quickly segueing into an unfavourable impression of Ryan and his disappointed expectations for the night. Dwight joins in to mock Ryan's scruff and suit and failure to sell any paper while in Scranton and accidental firestarting, but Dwight trails off as Michael, as Ryan, babbles, "'I'm hot. I'm so hot..." Dwight doesn't really get that one, and Michael covers, "It's part of it." Hey, I didn't hear anyone mocking Ryan's namedropping. An incomplete caricature isn't really much use, here, people. Michael suggests that they take off, leaving the sushi platter on the car's hood. I'm sure that whatever's left will only get better with age.
After commercials, there's one last tag of Ryan, winking on the catwalk at the party. They don't superimpose a Conan-style "ASS" stamp over his face, but then, they don't really have to.