We open with Pam telling us that Michael likes to watch movies in pieces. Right now, he's working his way through The Devil Wears Prada, and is identifying perhaps a little too much with Miranda Priestly. Michael tries to play out a few moments from the movie with his own intractable assistant, and finally enters the office one morning, quiet and subdued, saying he owes Pam an apology. Pam guesses that he finally made it to the end of the movie, and Michael tells her (and the camera) that, in a shocking twist ending, Miranda turned out to be the villain. He didn't get a hint from her hairstyle? Anyway, he tells Pam, "I just want what's best for you and Manushka." Michael moves on, and in an interview, Pam gets the (mangled) reference: "He's watching Million Dollar Baby." Beat. "He's gonna try to kill me." Nah, he's just going to be very offended on your behalf that Paul Haggis stole your aunt's story for his crappy movie.
After the credits, Jan has crammed her giant fake boobs into a velour tracksuit and hauled the whole mess down to the office to show Michael some fabric samples; seems she's doing some redecorating. Michael is straining to keep everything on the cheap, and when she mentions getting a sofa in leather, Michael protests that they already have one. Jan tightly corrects him that they have a futon. Oh sweet jesus. Michael's in his forties and still rocking a futon? He's lucky Jan ever set foot in his bachelor warren. In an interview, Michael admits that money has been tight, but then rambles on about how money isn't important, though he plans to have enough at the end of his life for a yacht, like we haven't already screwed over the oceans enough without moving Michael Scott into them. Back in his conversation with Jan, they're moving on to tile when Ryan calls. Michael puts him on speakerphone, Jan seething all the while, as Ryan reminds Michael that he's supposed to give a presentation on PowerPoint to the Scranton staff. And is this presentation to unspool via...PowerPoint? OR DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?
Bullpen. Jim's on hold when Dwight gets a call. Suddenly nervous, Dwight puts the caller on hold, opens up a battered folder, and picks up again with a little folksy German, informing his caller all about the accommodations at Schrute Farms. Jim watches, fascinated, as Dwight coos to his caller that they don't have King or Queen beds, because they make their own, which don't conform to standard sizes, though Twin would be the closest approximation. Having heard enough to know he needs to get in on this action, Jim hangs up his own call and waits for Dwight to ring off with his obviously disappointed inquisitor. Dwight tries to ignore Jim, and denies both to Jim and to the camera that he's not running a B&B; it's "agritourism." With a bed. And breakfast. I think technically he can claim he isn't running a B&B if the establishment has neither an annoying old lady who's all up in your business, or at least four cats. Anyway, Dwight immediately gets another call, and can hear Pam from her desk as she asks about a room. He pissily tells her that this is an abuse of company property, but she soldiers on, telling him that she read on TripAdvisor that Schrute Farms caters to the elderly. This segues to another interviewmercial in which Dwight stresses the importance of good notices on TripAdvisor. It's not as gross as the Travelocity product placement in the Scrubs season finale, but it's not many rungs above it. Back in the bullpen, Dwight decides to book Pam a room after all. She seems especially excited about Mose's tablemaking demonstration. PLEASE let it involve them making their own miniature table to bring home as a souvenir!
Later, Jan packs up her samples and takes off, telling Michael she needs the car that night. Michael says he needs it, but Jan assumes he's going to his improv class and blows him off. Michael then sadly interviews that they used to have two cars but are now down to one, which is more economical, except that the one car they ended up with is a Porsche, for Jan. I'm sure she lets him ride in it sometimes as long as his shoes and hands are clean.
In the parking lot, Angela is receiving the items she'd left at Dwight's house -- a couple of cardigans, and a sleep apnea mask so big that Angela and Sprinkles figurine have both worn it together, and probably sometimes did. She asks about a cherub statue she'd left on the nightstand in Dwight's room, but he assures her that he doesn't have it. The uncomfortable chore complete, Angela formally shakes Dwight's hand, which segues us to an interview in which he says that he recently broke up with his girlfriend...and then as soon as he mentions sowing his wild oats, you can be fairly confident that a Schrutishly literal interpretation of the phrase is in the offing, and you would be right, and I will not dignify it with transcription because it's the sort of thing that wouldn't have made it into the episode were it not AN HOUR LONG.
The day is apparently at an end when Kevin announces to the room at large that he'll be playing in some kind of battle of the bands with his new band, Scrantonicity II, and that he expects everyone in the office to show up and clap only for him and his outfit. Michael, on his way by, says he can't make it because he's already busy, so Pam and Jim immediately seize on this, saying they want to take him up on his dinner invitation. He says he can't, and offers the weekend instead, and they say they can't, and Michael gets way too upset about it, of course, but when Jim asks what Michael's doing, he says, "You wouldn't understand. It's a secret." He stalks out...and gets on a bus...and ultimately is busted, by the camera, at a call centre, where he has a second job telemarketing a shady-sounding diet aid. ...Yeah, that's about right.
Jim and Pam pull up to the Schrute Farm, Jim marvelling that the place is actually real. Pam has evidently spent the afternoon coming up with puns for Dwight's agritourist outfit, including The Beets Motel, Embassy Beets, and The Radishon, but before she can bust out any more (...the Dillton?), both she and Jim are stunned silent by the sight of Mose running very excitedly alongside the car -- much as a dog would. That is, if one could be confident that a dog could live at Schrute Farm without having its fur turned into a canteen or something. Dwight is sitting in a rocking chair on the porch as they pull up to the house, and gives them a wave that he probably thinks is friendly and not at all creepy.
After commercials, we're back at the call centre, where Michael is claiming that he just loves sales, and doesn't get to do enough as a manager, so he took a second job as a hobby. Totally -- what could be more fun than telemarketing? Speaking as a veteran of three different telemarketing jobs, I can field that one: Australian rules football, played on a flaming field, with an armed grenade for a ball. That would be more fun. (Telemarketing sucks.) It doesn't take long for Michael's manager to roll up, all defensive about the legitimate operation he's running, and Michael introduces him as Nick Figaro, "manager to the stars." The manager at my second telemarketing job had crispy hair and put "B.A." on her business cards even though she didn't have a degree. And she had a Little Sister and would spend their Saturday afternoons together at the office. So Nick is a step up from her.
At Schrute Farm, Dwight is playing the unctuous innkeeper, offering Jim and Pam their choice of three themed rooms: "America," "Irrigation," or "Nighttime." Pam immediately chooses "Irrigation," which Jim deems "nice." Dwight asks whether they have any special needs. Jim says they'll need a bedtime story, which causes Dwight irritably to drop the routine; he doesn't even relent when Jim suggests something a Harry Potter. They can't get into it, though, because Dwight orders Mose to fetch the bags...
...and then we're being admitted to the Irrigation Room. The camera kind of goes crazy trying to take in the many (apparently ornamental) bits of pipe, the twin beds, and Jim and Pam's enthralled reaction, and then Dwight takes his leave, promising to return in time for the tablemaking demonstration. Oh man, I hope Jim charged up his digital camera for all the memorymaking they'll also be doing!
Call centre. Nick calls the staff to a meeting. Michael turns to the camera and mutters, "These meetings are useless." HA! If Michael could appreciate irony, he'd love that one.
In the meeting, Nick reminds everyone to stick to their scripts. "Very inspirational," murmurs Michael sarcastically, and everyone chuckles. Wow, Michael's the Jim of the call centre! Nick forges ahead, saying that there will be a $50 bonus to the guy who makes the most sales. One woman corrects him on his gender-specific choice of word, and Michael offers, "Or trained seal." Nick tells him that he can make jokes once he's made a sale, and Michael shuts up. My bad: Michael is the Ryan of the call centre.
Schrute Farm. Jim guesses that their odds of being murdered at the Farm are 1 in 6. He goes on to interview that this is their first night away together, which he always envisioned happening differently -- a nice dinner, wine that wasn't made from beets, less manure. We see that the farm tour is comprehensive enough to include an opportunity for actual fertilization, though it quickly devolves when Mose starts pelting Dwight with clods of manure. How in the world could Angela leave all this?
Call centre. Michael calls Stanley, who instantly recognizes his voice and won't play along with any of the ruses Michael invents to make the moment less awkward. I'm kind of sad that we don't get to see this moment from Stanley's side, but then again, my mental image of Stanley in his plaid recliner watching a "mystery stories" and doing a crossword is clear enough that maybe we don't need that after all.
Later, Michael's talking to someone else about his or her son when Nick appears to end the call and haul Michael back to his office. That he has chosen to discipline Michael and not, say, the guy literally napping, with his head down on his desk, in the cube behind him suggests that there might be some personal animus here.
In his office, Nick reminds Michael about sticking to the script. Michael insists that he was about to get the sale before Nick interrupted him, and claims that he knows a lot about sales. Nick tells him that speed is most important, citing Vikram as an example of someone who moves quickly and outsells Michael every night. Michael stands up wearily, telling Nick, "I hope this conversation has helped." Nick is too amazed at Michael's idiocy to respond.
Schrute Farm. Dwight is sitting on one of the beds in the Irrigation Room, reading from such a comically gigantic hardcover book that it can only possibly be a Harry Potter. The camera pans over to Jim and Pam, in their pyjamas and curled up together as they smile beatifically at Dwight's energetic narration. And then to the foot of their bed, where Mose sits, in his Jurassic Park pyjamas, staring at Pam in a way that makes you think maybe Angela was right to end it with Dwight after all.
Call centre. Michael fishes for an invitation to eat some of Vikram's delicious Indian food.
Sometime later, Vikram has taken pity on Michael and dished him up some of his dinner, because it turns out that Michael is actually the Michael of the call centre. Vikram tells him that he was a surgeon "back home," in response to which Michael muses, "I wonder what I would have been back home." He makes some ignorantly disparaging remarks about how cheap medical school must be in India, and asserts that he would have surely been the Chief of Surgery there. "Or a cowboy." If Vikram explains to him why cowboys are not in high demand "back home," we don't see it.
Schrute Farm, after dark. We hear some loud, repetitive banging, and then see the light go on in the Irrigation Room. Inside, Pam ventures out with a flashlight, finally finding her way to a window, through which she sees Mose, parked on the seat in an outhouse; the sound is the door, banging against the side of the privy. Pam turns to the camera in shock: "What century is this?" The century where folk like Mose stay with you at (lower-case) home instead of being tied up indefinitely in a (capital-H) Home.
Call centre. Michael regales his co-workers with his take on the latest Die Hard movie. Soon enough, Nick appears, sarcastically upbraiding everyone for being so "captivated" by Michael that they're not on the phone. He says "captivated" so many times, he's like Bruce McCulloch in that Kids In The Hall skit where his foreman gives him hell for saying "ascertain" too much. Anyway, the bossman's appearance chases everyone back into their headsets.
Schrute Farm. Now there's a loud, otherworldly moaning, and Pam tells Jim, "Your turn." Jim follows the sound to a door marked "Private Room," on which he knocks. Dwight calls out, "Come in -- did you have another nightmare?" Jim opens the door to see Dwight, still fully dressed, sitting on his bed, cradling Angela's cherub figurine. Dwight says he thought it was Mose, who's had nightmares "ever since the storm." He asks whether everything's satisfactory with his stay, and Jim says it is; he just thought he heard crying or moaning. Dwight says that he'll look into it in the morning, and Jim says goodnight and heads out again. As soon as he has clicked the door closed behind him, the keening begins anew. This is why the smart traveller always packs a white noise machine.
After commercials, the shift is over at the call centre. Some of Michael's co-workers invite him out for a beer, but he begs off because of work, and comes up to his car, which Jan has parked across several spaces; she tells him he has to drive, because she's had too much wine. She also didn't go to yoga, in which case there's really no excuse for that outfit.
The morning, at the branch, everyone's dragging ass. Pam greets Dwight very nicely, and he responds with a curt "Pam." Jim asks if he's okay. Dwight: "I am better than you have ever been or ever will be." Only a man who's found a way to fully realize his love of beets could speak so confidently. Into the midst of all these tired slobs zips Ryan, way too high on fucking Red Bull, what else. Shut up, Ryan.
In the conference room, Ryan has Michael start the PowerPoint meeting. Michael mildly bitches about Ryan's shabby introduction, but stumbles to the front of the room and takes his sweet-ass time opening PowerPoint. Once he's actually launched the program, it becomes clear that he's never even opened it before -- it has upgrades to install that will take twelve minutes just to download. Because Ryan is at least as bad a manager as Michael, he gives him shit in front of the staff for being unprepared. Michael excuses himself by making reference to his "other boss, Mr. Figaro." Ryan asks if Michael has another job, and Michael mumbles that what he does between 5:30 PM and 1 AM is his business. Jim raises his hand: "Are you a cocktail waitress?" Not until he gets his chest waxed -- and we've all seen how that would end. Ryan says that Michael can't have a second job if it interferes with his work at the branch, and Michael cleverly answers that by saying it was unlikely that he would have figured out PowerPoint regardless of how he spent his nights. Before Ryan can respond, he's distracted by the sound of Kelly giggling at Darryl at the back of the room. Ryan gets all pissy that Darryl's even there, since he works in the warehouse, and Kelly defiantly says that she invited him. Ryan says that this isn't a party -- though Kelly could have been forgiven for thinking so since it seems like there is one on this show every other episode lately -- and orders Darryl back downstairs. Kelly grabs Darryl and gives him a gigantic kiss before he leaves; at the door, Ryan glares, but backs down a microsecond after Darryl returns his eye contact. Once Darryl's gone, Ryan returns to bullying Michael, telling him he wants Michael to learn the program so that he can communicate it to his staff, to his clients, "to whomever." This devolves into an overlong (damn hour-long episodes) natter around the room over when and how to use "whoever" and "whomever," which finally ends with Ryan announcing that unless Michael quits his second job, he's fired from the branch. Whoever didn't see that coming must not know much about Ryan's character, if they didn't know he'd been waiting for a reason to say that to whomever he chose.
After commercials, the episode is still on. You guys, seriously, enough already. So, fine, Michael's taken Ryan's ultimatum seriously, and makes a big production of saying that he's never quit a job before (hee), so the crew is about to film history. In Nick's office, he tries to start this whole ramble about a dream he had of having two jobs, but Nick is obviously very familiar with what it's like when someone quits, and perfunctorily tells Michael he can come back whenever he wants, and he has to disinfect his headset. Well, la-di-dah -- where is Michael selling shady diet aids out of, the Plaza? Michael cleans up and leaves the call centre with a defiant John Bender-esque air fist. No one there cares. Hell, everyone he worked with last night has probably already quit too. Lot of turnover in that industry. [Shudder.]
Branch. Andy watches Angela walk away, and then does this weird, hilarious half a split at Pam's desk, so his head is level with hers, as he asks her to set him up with Angela. Pam -- with Dwight standing behind her, tensely listening -- raises her voice, for Dwight's benefit, as she says she doesn't think it would be a good idea for Andy and Angela to get together. Andy thinks she would if she "looked in the smart part of [her] brain." She offers that Angela is very religious, and committed in her convictions. Andy counters that he punched a hole in a wall. Pam, musing: "That's right, you did." Pam interviews that Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple: "But I couldn't do that to Dwight. Or Angela. Or Andy." Heh.
Michael comes over to the accountants to ask Kevin for gambling advice. Seems that Michael's been looking to solve his money problems via gambling, and he wants tips for sure things, like a boxer who's about to throw a big fight. Kevin suggests that Michael would need to get information like that from the Mob. Michael asks whether Kevin knows anyone in the Mob. He...does not. Michael then turns to Oscar, quietly telling him he needs another advance on his salary. I'm guessing by now that in order to pay back what he owes, Michael will be working at Dunder Mifflin until the icecaps have melted so much that everyone is living on a yacht, or yacht equivalent. And speaking of people who are roughly in Michael's tax bracket...
...Kelly is trying to fight with Darryl in his office, but he's not having it. He can't do anything with her that night because he's going to be watching Charlotte's Web with his daughter. Kelly petulantly says that he has to choose between her and his daughter, and Darryl obviously chooses the non-Kelly option. Kelly even more petulantly knocks over a pile of papers and binders, and Darryl calmly tells her, "That was cold." Kelly: "[W hand gesture. L hand gesture. Throat-cutting gesture.]" Hat trick!
In the break room, several staffers are discussing Michael's financial problems, obviously. Stanley posits that Jan is the one who's been running through all Michael's money. Meredith can't believe that Michael has a second job, to which Oscar adds that he's not even good at his first one. Michael enters at this moment, and when everyone falls silent, Michael guesses that they're talking about Jim and Pam: "Do you think they're having sex?" Pam has to speak up to let him know she's actually in the room, which is when Oscar speaks up to ask Michael if he's having money problems. Pam asks why he has a second job. Michael says he doesn't, and suggests that maybe he's having an affair with Suzanne Somers. That's doubtful -- she's quite wealthy. Pam asks if Jan doesn't have money, and Michael says that he doesn't want to talk about money with her, since it's "unsexy." But he keeps denying that he's having any money problems, anyway, and to prove it, he crumples a dollar bill up very small and then...puts it in his pocket. Everyone's like, "You still have it," and Michael tries to say that it's unusable now. In a vending machine, maybe. Well, almost certainly. The ones at my office won't take my money unless it's crisp enough to peel an apple with.
Darryl finds Kelly and basically tells her to smarten up. He interviews that Kelly only wants to hook up with him when Ryan's there, and that it's gotten so that he gets excited whenever he sees "that little dude." Hee. Kelly says that she just needs to know where "this" is going, and Darryl says that he likes her, but that she "needs to access her uncrazy side." I'm not sure there is an entire side. Half a facet, maybe. He makes to leave, and Kelly snaps off a knee-jerk angry reprisal, but he patiently tells her to think about it. Cut to Kelly, in an interview, calling Darryl the most complicated man she's ever met, saying exactly what he thinks: "What kind of game is that?" Sure, she likes it now, but when he's telling her she's old as shit, she might like it less.
Michael comes into the kitchen, where Creed suggests that Michael declare bankruptcy (and interviews that when Creed Bratton gets into trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider -- there's another name for you trivia buffs). Creed confidently tells Michael that bankruptcy is "nature's do-over." Michael, warming to the idea, says that it sounds like the Witness Protection Program. Creed says, "Exactly!" as Oscar shakes his head, "Not at all." Michael interviews that he's always wanted to go into the Witness Protection Program, and has a typically elaborate and typically childlike idea of how that would work. It involves him being a Lord who raises fancy dogs: "That's a life." It sure is -- in a George Eliot novel.
Michael emerges from the kitchen, waits for a hush to fall over the bullpen, and bellows, "I. Declare. BANKRUPTCY!" Well, that's that.
After commercials, Oscar pokes his head into Michael's office to explain that you can't just say the word "bankruptcy" and expect anything to happen. Michael says that he didn't say it -- he "declared" it. I think if he didn't do it at the bell in the town square, it's not valid.
In the conference room, Oscar goes over some of Michael's paperwork, saying that he has a lot of credit-card debt. Michael immediately blames that on Jan, saying that she has his cards, but every charge Oscar turns up is for some stupid thing Michael bought -- Muppet Show DVDs, some exercise equipment that I wouldn't be surprised to hear was being sold by another team of Nick Figaro's telemarketers.
Oh, Jesus. So Andy apparently found Garbage the cat, and has left it on Angela's desk as a gift. Angela looks at Andy. Andy looks at the camera. Dwight looks at Andy. Pam looks at Dwight, and then Jim. Wing Chun looks at the clock and can't believe this episode is still going on.
In the conference room, Oscar shows Michael a graph he's made of Michael's expenses. By far the majority of Michael's spending is on what Oscar describes as "things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets." Well, I think you sometimes need backups, for insurance purposes.
Jim and Pam watch Dwight, in the loading dock, playing "You Give Love A Bad Name" on his recorder. They marvel that Dwight could have been so hung up on Angela, as though Dwight is some amazing prize himself.
Conference room. Oscar offers to get Jan and Michael an appointment with a debt consolidator. Michael refuses to involve Jan, but when Oscar threatens to leave, Michael says that they need to frame it by saying that it could have been a lot worse, but that Michael did some fancy financial footwork and "cut it in half." Oscar warns that Jan is smart, but Michael murmurs, "She poses." The best argument for Michael's point of view, of course, is that Jan is still with Michael.
Bullpen. Dwight's back at his desk, moping. Jim suggests that he check out TripAdvisor to see if there are any new reviews, and Pam and Jim jointly interview that she posted a review of Schrute Farm: "The natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedrooms and makes you dream of simpler times. The dawn juice walk will tug at your heartstrings. Tablemaking never seemed so possible. You will never want to leave your room. The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm." Dwight dully says he's glad they had a good time. Pam nicely insists, "We really did! It was fun!" Dwight sighs deeply. The only review that matters to him would be from someone who surely never plans to return to Schrute Farm in her lifetime.
In the conference room, Oscar and Michael talk to Jan on speakerphone, Oscar duly trotting out Michael's line about his financial maneuvering, except now the sentence ends "tremendously in debt." "You're broke?" asks Jan. Michael tries to dodge. Jan sounds fairly calm as she asks where Michael's money went and how he could be so irresponsible. As she talks, Michael looks out the window at a train that's just coming to a halt not far away, and before Jan can even finish a thought, Michael's left the room. Oscar interrupts Jan to tell her that Michael took off, and the camera goes to the window so that we can see Michael on the street, hauling ass toward the train tracks. Another perfect plan. Jan says she'll be right there. Sounds like this isn't the first time Michael's tried to pull a runner on her.
After commercials, the camera's at ground level as Michael runs up to a boxcar and climbs aboard -- but no sooner has he gotten on than the train stops completely. He affects a jaunty pose as he tells the camera he's escaping his responsibilities. I can't believe he tried to carry out this plan without even looking up the symbols of the hobo code on Wikipedia.
In the bullpen, Angela -- with Garbage in her arms -- comes over to Andy's desk, shoots a look over her shoulder at Dwight, and primly informs Andy that he may ask her out for dinner, adding her many dietary requirements. Andy rejoices. Dwight walks very quickly out of the office, as Jim and Pam exchange another anxious look. Keeping Dwight from despair really is a full-time job -- and not a very rewarding one, either.
Jim finds Dwight in the stairwell, keening again. He sits to him and bores us all by telling us that he left Scranton because of Pam. WE KNOW. When he gets to the end of his recitation, he realizes that he wouldn't wish the kind of pain he was in on anyone, even Dwight. With these helpful words of wisdom, he leaves again. Dwight belatedly reaches out to pat Jim -- or, rather, the space where Jim used to be when he was making like he was going to comfort Dwight instead of talking about himself.
Jim returns to the office, where Pam brightly tells him she was thinking about dinner, but he interrupts her with a long kiss. Pam looks around in delighted surprise to see if anyone saw (or cared), and Jim says that, for dinner, they should try that new Italian place. Still flustered, Pam grinterviews that Jim is just really passionate about Italian food. In his own interview, Jim agrees that he is passionate about Italian food; in fact, he's in love with Italian food. If that's actually true, I'll bet he spends most of his time around manicotti. Or possibly the big stuffed shells. Ew, I'm grossing myself out.
Jan squeals into the parking lot at the office, where Oscar is already waiting for her. She throws the car keys at him and takes off after Michael. Man, I know the guy's Latino, but everyone knows it's not a valet if he's not in a vest.
Jan finds Michael in his boxcar, despondently singing "Runaway Train." Hee. She asks where he's going, and he pouts that he's out of answers: "This is who I am now. A guy on a train with no answers. I hope that can be enough for you." Jan irritably tells him that he can't escape his problems or creditors, even if he tries to live off the grid, and that things aren't that bad. Michael insists that it is. Jan takes a deep breath and tells him that when her life in New York fell apart, her family stopped talking to her, and her friends had been waiting for her downfall. "That's really nice of you to say," says Michael sincerely. Hee. Jan gets to her actual point, which is that Michael didn't abandon her, so she's not going to abandon him. She jumps up into the boxcar to him, asking where the train is taking them. Michael, choking up, says he thinks the engineer left. I can't guess where they're going, but I'll bet that it would take them a surprisingly short amount of time to get from where they are right now to just about anywhere in California.
Bullpen. Dwight comes back to his desk and calls a client, shoving Jim's desk mess away from Dwight's work surface as he does so. Aw, their anal-retentive little jackass is back! Jim and Pam must be so proud.
After commercials, Jan has apparently enticed Michael out of his boxcar. He tells her not to sell her implants (hee), and she tells him she won't, because she knows he likes them. She adds that they are kind of uncomfortable, but Michael says they look cute. And if she's ever back in the job market, they'll really only widen the range of jobs she can apply for.