Pam finds Jim at the vending machine and gives him a chaste peck on the cheek. "How dare you," cracks Jim, as Pam steals off, beaming. It's a moment noticed only by the camera...oh, and Toby. Behold the latest indignity in the challenging life of Toby Flenderson.
Sometime later, everyone is looking quizzically at his or her copy of a memo Toby's circulated regarding the policy on office PDA. Michael approaches Toby -- already all pissed off, as he is in every interaction he has with Toby -- to crab that if the memo was directed at him, his recent office PDA with Jan was entirely consensual, mostly quiet, and carried on when most of his colleagues had already gone home. I guess that anyone who stays past regular quitting time deserves to see whatever hams get pressed against Michael's office window. But Toby informs him that the memo wasn't targeted toward Michael. Angela, without any prompting, pipes up to announce that she has never been involved with anyone in the office, while Dwight studiously avoids her gaze. Toby says that the memo was actually aimed at Pam and Jim. Michael's like, "What?" Jim confirms that he and Pam are dating, and the camera focuses on Pam, who does an adorable silent "oh!" face at the surprise of Jim's admission. Nearly everyone is psyched about it -- one of the few exceptions being... "Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us?" asks Pam. Toby, tightly: "Yes." Man, this'll make for a few good talks between Toby and his therapist. Anyway, Michael makes Pam come out from behind her desk and takes Jim's and Pam's hands to make a formal declaration: "This is a day that will live in infamy." For Toby, it will. Michael goes on to call this the day that Jim and Pam have "become one." He gives Jim a big hug and a kiss, though Pam slips away before she can get her own inappropriate PDA. Dwight interviews that Jim and Pam could both do better, which...means no one is winning in the relationship, which seems unfortunate. Angela's not surprised, since Pam is "the office mattress." Hey, she's stopped wearing blouses that look like ticking! And Andy is ecstatic that, with Jim off the market, Andy gets to click up a notch as the hottest single guy in the office. They don't follow this with another shot of Dwight, but they could.
After credits, Michael enters the conference room, where the members of the party planning committee are hanging a "Welcome Back, Ryan" banner. I swear to God, when I was fast-forwarding my recording to this spot, I couldn't make out the words in the blur and thought it was a "Congratulations, Jim and Pam" banner -- which I wouldn't be surprised to see Phyllis whip up, but which I just couldn't see Angela signing off on. Anyway, Michael asks the banner squad to "make it straight," adding the requisite "That's what she said." Phyllis wearily asks whether Michael planned that, which he denies, but Pam grabs a piece of notepaper out of his hand and reads both that quip and the ones he either rejected or hasn't had a chance to bust out yet: "That job looks hard." "You should put your mouth on that." She asks how he would work the latter into conversation, and Michael sheepishly says he thought they might be blowing up balloons. He thinks Ryan warrants the balloon treatment? If they're going to put those up when someone from Corporate comes by, how are they going to make Veterans Day special? Anyway, Kelly -- in a vampish strappy sundress of some kind of shiny satin, and about four bottles of Benefit Cheek Stain -- strolls in, points to the banner, and casually asks if Ryan's coming by. Pam, amused, confirms that he is. Kelly wanders out again, possibly to see if she has any emergency chicken cutlets for her bra.
Michael interviews that the only thing that could improve a day that involved the news of Jim and Pam's relationship and the return of Ryan would be ice cream. It's the first of many references to delicious snack food that Michael will be making in this episode to test your resolve not to put some pants on and run out to the 24-hour Duane Reade that you don't even have to cross any streets to get to from your apartment. Or, like. Whatever.
Dwight and Angela meet at the elevators, where Dwight excitedly unveils a gift he's brought for Angela: a feral barn cat! Named Garbage! Because it's what he likes to eat! And if that doesn't sound unappealing enough, let me just add that the "feral" part of Garbage's CV apparently means he's forgotten how to clean himself, because his fur is so matted, it looks like he's been rolling around in Vaseline. Actually, the hair on the cat's head doesn't look so different from the hair we'll be seeing on Creed very shortly. Anyway, Angela tells Dwight that she isn't interested in adopting a new feline friend. She storms off, and Dwight decides to re-gift Garbage to Vance Refrigeration. I swear, as soon as I saw there was a trash can in the corner of the hallway, I figured Garbage would be meeting the end his name foreshadows.
Toby is toiling at his desk when Pam and Jim approach to ask whether they need to sign one of those love documents. Toby says that those are only for "relationships" (with air-quotes and all), so that if Jim and Pam are casual, they don't need to worry about it. Oblivious Pam brightly says that, although she doesn't want to speak for Jim, their relationship is pretty official, but Toby's like, "Let's just see how it goes!" and Jim and Pam shrug and wander off again, and Toby officially kicks off waiting out their relationship. Toby, dude, I'm serious: marriage, or one of their deaths. I bet you a dollar.
Ryan enters the branch. Pam pleasantly greets him, but he holds up a shush finger and resumes his thumb-typing like every douchebag with a Blackberry and like I swore I would never do when Bravo gave me one. And I mostly don't. I do use it, though. They pay for it, and I am cheap. Anyway, Ryan finishes his message, but the damage is done: he clearly fell out of the douche tree, hitting every branch on the way down. Michael hurries out and greets Ryan over-enthusiastically, starting by cracking a joke about his scruff ("Sonny Crockett," which: word). Ryan tries to ignore all the Michael-ness and assert his authority, but it doesn't really work, because a second later Kevin runs over and un-gels his hair with a noogie, and Andy crouches down in front of him to mock him for starting the fire in the microwave, even though he wasn't even at the branch then. Ryan tries to nip all the teasing in the bud by making an announcement, saying he knows he used to be there as a temp, but that he is their boss now and they'll have to treat him the same way they did Jan. Michael kicks it promo-style by making a gay panicky joke, and Ryan yells at him that he has to stop. Michael exposits that Ryan will be giving a presentation in a few minutes, and takes off before Ryan gets really mad and gives him an Indian burn. Michael interviews that Ryan did snap at him, but that he did it with a twinkle in his eye that said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now, and I have to seem like an ogre. And you trust me, and we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man, and I love you." Beat. "His words." I guess that if you want your eye-twinkles to be that expressive, you either have to study at Yale Drama, or get an MBA.
So Ryan is there to announce Dunder Mifflin Infinity. It's an overall Six Sigma-ish strategy to streamline the business, but the centrepiece is a business-to-business website. We break in with a Jim interview where he says he thought DM already had a website, and then we cut to his desk as he shows it off: an "Under Construction" page (complete with stick-figure construction worker) promising that the website will be unveiled for Christmas 2002. So if you opened all your gifts that year and none of them was a ream of paper, now you know why. Back in the meeting, Ryan says that DM will be getting "younger" and "sleeker" -- to that end, all essential personnel will be issued Blackberries. And they're the cool new Blackberries that look like phones, not the freaking piece of black Texas Toast I was issued. Dwight asks what if you don't want to use a Blackberry because they're "pointless and stupid." Dude, I agree with Dwight! Stop me before I buy a pair of glasses from the drugstore! Anyway, it's company policy. Andy suggests calling the strategy "Dunder Mifflinfinity." Why is this guy in Sales and not Marketing. Kelly raises her hand to ask Ryan, "Can we speak privately about our relationship?" By way of answer, Ryan breaks up the meeting. As everyone files out, Creed kisses up to Ryan, asking when the website's going up. Ryan says it'll be as soon as possible. So...eight months from now? Or eight months from when a search committee picks a design firm? Or eight months from when you find a domain name you can register? Fine, go talk about your relationship.
Creed heads straight for Michael's office to announce that they're screwed. Michael's actually pretty excited about everything until Creed puts ideas into his head about how the Infinity strategy is going to result in the removal of all the older people in the office -- the two of them, as well as Phyllis, "Sammy" (that probably would be Stanley), and "the chick [he] hit with the car." are all on their way out. I think Michael still might be stuck on the notion that being forty makes him one of the office's elder statesmen.
In the break room, Jim, with great relish, tells Pam that Dwight and Angela have been seeing each other for months. Pam plays with him a little before saying that they've actually been dating two years, since before Jim's barbecue. Each fondly twits the other for not sharing the secret. Jim says that they should have started dating a long time ago. Shippers across the world: "YEAH-HUH!" Phyllis enters, beaming, and immediately apologizes for interrupting them. Pam and Jim are like, "Just eating our lunch, it's cool," but Phyllis says she couldn't see their hands. Which are completely visible, but whatever. Phyllis, still grinning at Pam, reminds her that when potential clients call up the company, Pam is supposed to assign them to salespeople randomly, not according to whichever one of them Pam might be sleeping with. Pam and Jim hold their looks of dismay for a beat, and then Jim interviews that that's why they kept their relationship a secret. Oh, that was why? Not the risk of getting a forehead kiss from Michael?
Ryan meets with Michael in his office, obnoxiously thumb-typing for like half a minute before addressing the human in front of him, waiting to speak. Michael casually asks whether it's going to be "business as usual" under this whole Infinity deal. Ryan says no. Michael asks the same question a different way, and Ryan seriously informs him that he knows exactly how inefficient the branch is, and that these changes are meant to address that. Now Michael is very alarmed, and in an interview, he frowns through an anecdote about a foreign exchange student who lived with him for a while when he was a kid. Michael thought he was Michael's brother, but when the guy ended up returning home to what is now the former Yugoslavia, he stole all of Michael's jeans, and Michael had to spend the winter in shorts. Okay, Mrs. Scott couldn't be arsed to buy her kid any long pants for a Pennsylvania winter? We have got to meet this piece of work soon, and if she's not played by the same crusty broad who plays Mac's mom on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, I'm going to be kind of pissed. The point of this yarn? "That is what Ryan's like: a fake brother who steals your jeans." And sells them for hair gel, evidently.
Speaking of Ryan, he finds Kelly in the back corner where they both used to work. He asks how she is, and she declares that she's doing great, and is dating a lot of guys -- mostly black, apparently. Um, Darryl can totally do better. Ryan sighs, "Kelly." Kelly: "WHAT." The camera pans to Toby, whose day, if you can imagine it, actually just got worse.
Phyllis and Stanley kvetch about their Blackberries, even though they're the cooler new ones. Ingrates.
Kelly wants Ryan to tell her he cares about her. Ryan reminds her that he's her boss now, and that she can't talk to him like he's her boyfriend. Kelly gets sarcastic about the "big, strong man," and says she doesn't think he ever cared about her. Ryan counters that six months ago, Karen sent him an email asking him out, and he refused because he was so committed to his relationship with Kelly. Assuming that little tidbit is going to play out at some point, because six months ago wasn't Karen still with Jim? Anyway, Kelly hopes Ryan is still committed to it because SHE'S PREGNANT!
Cut to Kelly in an interview, who briefly shakes her head "no." And I mean, she is so blasé about it that she doesn't even shake her head "no"; it's more like she shakes her head "nah."
Back in the fight, Ryan reels from the news, and finally suggests that they go out to dinner and talk about it. Kelly, in an interview: "We have a date!" Then it's all worth it.
Elsewhere, Angela invites Dwight out for dinner. But she doesn't want him to cook for her; she'd prefer that they dine in a public place. Dwight is, let's say, not quite worldly enough to understand what this portends.
Jan enters, all natural and shit (tracksuit, ponytail, no makeup), with an insulated cooler bag over her shoulder. She's on her way into Michael's office when she runs into Ryan, and awkwardness ensues. He's all, "I have your job," and she's all, "Maybe the title, but not my salary -- you're cute, though." He tells her she looks great: "Scranton suits you." Burn! MBA burn! Jan coolly calls the move the best decision of her life, and Ryan's like, "You were let go." She makes a dismissively mean comment about his beard. Frankly, that can't happen enough.
Over salads in Michael's office, Jan bitches about Ryan and offhandedly comments that she should sue the company for ageism. As soon as she's explained what that is, Michael gets obsessed. This is why you never expose Michael to new ideas!
After commercials, everyone is horrified to see Creed walk in with JC Chasez's haircut circa...well, circa when the Dunder Mifflin website was due to launch. The best part is, this is still the same day. So he went out and did this, like, in his car, with shoe polish. He interviews that he is thirty -- or rather will be, soon. Thirty...score?
Ryan comes to the conference room to see everyone already sitting there. He thinks he's about to give a Blackberry tutorial, but in fact, everyone's waiting for a mystery presentation from Michael. Ryan notices several printouts taped to the wall at the front of the room: the old bag from Titanic, and the old bag from the "Where's the beef?" commercials, among others. Ryan thinks he sees where this is going, and tries to stop it when Michael arrives, but Michael bossily sends him to take a seat, and gets down to it. He says that they've heard a lot today about new ideas, and that new ideas are fine, but that "they are also illegal." You see, Jan? YOU SEE?! Michael calls new ideas a form of ageism. He reads out some facts he ganked from Wikipedia about some age discrimination act. Toby quietly tells Jim he believes Michael's right (which doesn't stop Michael telling him to shut up, of course). Michael rhetorically asks why we hate old people so much. "Because they're lame," says Creed. Ha! But Michael says they're not lame, and mentions their great storytelling ability (like the Titanic broad) and their moments of homespun humor (like the Wendy's lady). Michael's just warming to his theme when an elderly gentleman appears in the doorway: turns out this is one of the founders of the company, Robert Dunder. Everyone claps in surprise that their was an actual entrepreneur, at some point, behind this now struggling venture. Ryan calls Michael out into the hall to complain that they have actual work to do, but Michael threatens to call David Wallace and tell him Ryan turfed one of the founders of the company. The camera pushes in on Ryan as he considers whether to call Michael's bluff...
...but he must have studied game theory in his MBA program, because the thing we see is Mr. Dunder telling the group that he's eighty-seven. Aw, he doesn't look a day over eighty-five.
Dwight breaks in to interview that he's going to live for a long time; his Grandmother Schrute lived to be 101, and his Grandfather Mannheim is 103, and still living in Argentina: "I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation." HA!
Mr. Dunder starts telling the story about the founding of the company. Apparently, back then, he used to wear an onion on his belt -- which was the style at the time. And nickels were called "bumblebees." "Gimme five bees for a quarter," they'd say! It doesn't take long for Mr. Dunder to lose the crowd, and Michael, his point apparently made, hustles him back out the hall, ignoring his requests for a ride or at least a cab chit. Michael sums up what they've learned: "You can't teach a dog new tricks. Because it's illegal, and you'll go to jail." Also, don't ask old people to tell you about what their lives were like when they were still contributing members of society. Pam raises her hand to offer to take Mr. Dunder home, and pretty much ignores Michael's attempts to put her off. "What a nice guy," says Michael of Mr. Dunder, as Pam takes off with him. Yes, Michael, I'm sure he's saying the same about you.
Once the meeting's broken up, Ryan takes Michael aside to tell him that technology is not the enemy. Michael insists that the old tools of business work great, and that he will prove it to Ryan. Quick, someone hook up the stock ticker, and rig a pneumatic-message system that connects to the office in New York!
Michael drifts off, and Kelly comes up to Ryan, eager for their "date." He asks where she wants to go, and she suggests somewhere "romantic or expensive." You know, either one. He's like, "Kelly..." and she puts her hands on her stomach, saying she feels kind of nauseated anyway. Advantage: Kapoor.
And speaking of uncomfortable meals, Angela dumps Dwight in a restaurant. She can't be with him: she can't look in his eyes without seeing Sprinkles (to which Dwight advises that she not look in his eyes, then). She'll leave his toothbrush on top of his tire the morning. And if I know Dwight, he'll continue to use that toothbrush until its every bristle falls out.
After commercials, Michael's assembled the sales team in the conference room: his strategy for proving Ryan wrong about Infinity is: gift baskets! Michael's going to bring them to ex-DM clients to try to win them back. Well, that would work on me. And did work on me. Watching this bit, it was about two and a half hours after we finished dinner: snack time. One of those gift baskets was ALL I WANTED IN THE WORLD for the half-hour.
Dwight very formally drops off a receipt for the gift basket goodies at Angela's desk, and then lingers. Angela curtly orders him to the elevators.
Once there, Angela very bitterly informs Dwight that they're broken up, and that he needs to accept it. He says he wants to be friends: "Plus a little extra. Also, I love you." And then Angela stomps off for some reason! Chicks, man.
Speaking of chicks, man: Kelly has apparently dropped the ruse about her pregnancy, and doesn't know why Ryan is so pissed off that she deceived him that way in the first place. Ryan firmly states that they won't be getting back together. Kelly: "Why noooooot?" The only way Ryan's escaping this one is to tell her he's pregnant, and it's not hers. What? I don't know. It's late.
PB&J banter about whether the magic is gone now that their relationship is out in the open. They're cute and all, but he still really needs a haircut.
Ryan returns to the bullpen in time to see Michael getting ready to deploy his gift baskets. (Oh, and Michael seems surprised that Ryan's there again, so I am assuming Ryan spent an unplanned overnight visit in Scranton, if you know what I'm saying.) If Ryan's scared that Michael's peanut brittle is totally going to show up Ryan's whole Infinity plan, he hides it extremely well.
Michael interviews that he's been told his whole life that he can't do things, like get on the team, or go on to second grade; this whole thing with his gift baskets is the same. And in case we were concerned, Michael did eventually kick second grade's ass, and was the biggest kid in the class. Also probably the tallest. And, eventually, the hairiest, assuming this was before the days of social promotion.
Michael announces pairs of salespeople who'll team up to deliver gift baskets, but everyone is resistant. Phyllis asks how gift baskets are going to win back the clients who've fired DM, and Michael calls gift baskets the essence of fanciness and class, and even "the ultimate present." Andy, however, argues that cash is the ultimate present, since you can buy whatever you want with it, including a gift basket. Jim improves on that by suggesting gift baskets full of cash, and Andy enthusiastically backs him up. Michael bitterly says that he'll go alone, and "win them back by" himself. This phrasing strikes a chord with Dwight, of course, who demands to join him. Ryan wishes them luck. Michael snaps that they don't need luck, but conceded that it's nice of Ryan to say. The man-crush dies hard, people.
Michael interviews some business-to-business blah blah that ends with him triumphantly crowing that he would like to see a website deliver a gift basket. Yeah, me too. RIGHT NOW.
After commercials, Ryan's in the break room, on the phone with David Wallace to try to convince him to downsize Kelly and outsource customer service to India. OH MY GOD, don't do it! It's that kind of attention to detail and hands-on help that has all my TWoP email currently going to Sars. TRUE STORY. David is kind of confused, because Kelly is Indian, but before Ryan can get into it, Creed enters to youth it up about getting Red Bull in the vending machines. Okay, seriously? The thing that made me feel oldest when I watched two episodes of The Hills this year was seeing those girls just sitting around, drinking Red Bull, like, of an evening. As if it were tasty or refreshing, when we all know it is neither, and tastes like juice made from pennies. But I guess that's, like, a thing? With people in their twenties? Right? Forget it, I'll be over here paying my bills with cheques instead of online.
Michael drives around, in his new capacity as a gift basket delivery service. Dwight comments on the car, asking where the Sebring is, and Michael says it's in the shop. His GPS computer voice lady tells him where to go , and Dwight lays into him for using it, since it lets "them" know where you are -- "them" being the government...or ex-girlfriends. He starts to cry, while Michael pretends that another feature of this rental is a soundproof barrier between driver and shotgun.
Branch. Ryan tells a rapt Andy and Kevin about going out to get a sandwich at 2 AM -- which you can, in New York, because everything's open late, whatever -- and ran into Vince Vaughn. That's the story. Andy and Kevin react as though he'd just told them he slept with Vince Vaughn, and then Andy quotes Swingers, and though the reference is kind of outdated, I'm just glad it isn't Fred Claus, the movie they were advertising last week even though it's not out until November. Having duly impressed a couple of simpletons, Ryan flounces out. Jim, sitting nearby, asks whether they really think Ryan is all that, and as proof of how awesome he is, they cite his fancy clothes, his aroma (which is as one might expect of Pierce Brosnan), and his ability to get any girl he wants. Andy: "Sorry, Tuna, but if you don't know why that's awesome, then you need awesome lessons." Please let the year of awesome lessons end with an awesome recital! Jim considers the evidence camera-shruggingly.
Michael and Dwight drop off a gift basket at some kind of car place. Larry, their former client, is perfectly nice, but also pretty direct in saying that he isn't going back to DM. Dwight, of course, conflates his sales pitch for Larry with his sales pitch for Angela, though Michael manages to deflect it, telling Larry to enjoy the gift basket. Larry's like, "Thanks?" He adds that Office Depot's website is very easy to use, which he and his colleagues appreciate. Michael tries to point out that DM offers the human touch, but Larry seems fine with getting his human touching elsewhere.
Michael and Dwight drive to their destination, bitching about Larry (and, in Dwight's case, about Angela). Michael marvels at his GPS thing's accuracy, because Michael is old.
Ryan offers Pam the chance to design a logo for Dunder Mifflin Infinity, asking her to do a couple of mockups. She eagerly accepts, and then interviews with faux jargon that she's going to do mockups, and then turn them into thumbnails, and then trails off and says she's just really excited. Possibly, she's most excited to have a legitimate work-related reason to bust out her sweet Prismacolor pencilcrayons during business hours.
Michael and Dwight have now made their way to a law office. Michael impresses Aaron, the ex-client, by remembering details about his daughter, and then gives him the gift basket, asking him to reconsider Dunder Mifflin. Aaron is noncommittal. Michael tries to wait him out into returning to Dunder Mifflin. Dwight, again, conflates their message with what he wants to tell Angela, only now, instead of being aggressive in trying to win back Aaron, he's despondent and has basically given up, forcing Michael to sell twice as hard. Dwight's already half out the door when Michael panics and tells Aaron that the company's coming out with a website. This interests Aaron, who says that they should get in touch with him when it's live. Sure, Michael can email him from his Blackberry, if Ryan sets it up for him.
Okay, now...I imagine that what happens is going to spark a lot of controversy. Michael and Dwight are on their way to their last stop -- a country club on the other side of a lake. GPS tells Michael to make a right turn, and Michael immediately starts to comply by turning his wheel in a hard right. Dwight stops him, saying that it means he should bear right; the camera closes in on the device's map, so that we can see Dwight is right. But Michael insists that the machine must not be misdirecting them, and that making a hard right might take them to a shortcut. Dwight's like, "THAT'S THE LAKE!" But Michael heedlessly turns right and drives STRAIGHT INTO THE LAKE. In moments, the car starts filling up with water, and there is panic as everyone gets out of the car. Michael opens the back door, and although we can see the cameraman gets out as Dwight drags Michael to safety, it seems pretty clear that Michael really wants to go back for the gift basket. And so, the controversy. Remember on The Simpsons, how Homer evolved, sometime between, I would say, Season 5 or 6, to being just a kind of dopey, negligent dad to a character who clearly had a severe mental challenge? It's kind of like the difference between eating Marge's fancy guest soaps and thinking that you can start an elephant with a set of keys. We already know that Michael is a dimwit -- obviously. He's not especially bright or curious, nor does he have a ton of common sense. But I would have thought he had enough -- and maybe just enough -- to know that you can't drive a car into a lake. I'm just saying, I hope there isn't a future episode coming where Michael forgets how to use a touch-tone phone.
After commercials, Dwight and Michael watch the car get towed out of the lake. It seems as though Michael didn't get rental insurance. See? Like that -- that is a legitimate idiocy for the character.
Dwight goes to call a cab on his cell phone ("Look at that! Still works! Old-fashioned cell phone"), but as he's doing it, Michael gets all in a swivet again about Aaron, and orders Dwight to hang up: they're going to walk back to Aaron's office and take back their gift basket. See, Ryan? Can a website come and bother you at your place of business? Other than with too many pop-up ads?
Pam shows Ryan her initial logo sketches. He says he'd like to talk about it more, and asks her out for dinner that night. There's awkward babble back and forth, and finally Pam says, "I'm dating Jim." Ryan: "You're...kidding." Both of them look over at Jim, who sheepishly waves." Ryan stammers, "That's...awesome," probably thinking that if he'd never been moved to the back of the office with Kelly, that could have been him! Turns out they can talk about logos during regular business hours after all. And Jim interviews that he guesses Ryan can't get any girl he wants. Oh, Jim. Smug is not a good color on you.
Law office. Michael aggressively beckons Aaron out to the lobby and quietly demands his gift basket back. Aaron suggests that they leave, but instead, Dwight and Michael park their soaking-wet asses on the leather couches. Aaron stomps into the room and throws the gift basket down on a coffee table. Michael complains that it's been opened. "Yeah, it was mine!" Aaron reminds them. Michael looks through the cellophane to see what's missing, and grabs his head in horror as he realizes that it's the Turtles. Both Dwight and Michael start screaming at Aaron to produce the Turtles, until he has to admit that he ate them. Michael seems vindicated by this admission, and nods at Dwight to follow him out. Dwight murmurs to Aaron, "We'll bill you." Well, okay, (a) I'm not sure you understand the "gift" part of the phrase "gift basket," and (b) the only person who could resist eating a box of free Turtles is a DIRTY COMMUNIST.
Dwight and Michael return to the branch with Aaron's gift basket. Michael announces to the bullpen that the office won't be using any new technology. Ryan replies, "That is not correct." Michael chokes that although Ryan thinks that technology is the answer, Michael just drove his car into a lake because a machine told him to, and he did it because he trusted "Ryan's precious technology." Phyllis asks whether they got any clients back, and Michael lies, "Maybe." One thing he knows for sure is that his gift baskets never endangered anyone's life. He starts to go back into his office, but can't resist popping back out to rub it in Ryan's face: "Game, set, match. Point. Scott. Game over. End of game." I don't get it.
Episode-Ending Voice-Over. As we see the staffers digging into the gift basket, Michael says that everyone likes new inventions, but that people will never be replaced by machines, because life and business are about "human connections," whereas computers are about "trying to murder you in a lake": "And to me, the choice is easy." Yes, it certainly seemed to be. Unfortunately for your insurance carrier.
After commercials, Ryan interviews, "I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise. But I did. And if they knew how much I was paying for my haircut: no, they wouldn't be giving me a noogie." Beat. "It was two hundred dollars." Actually, by my calculations, that should earn a man at least ten noogies. It's called a barber shop, dude. And they'll THROW IN A SHAVE.