By Wing Chun
We open in Michael's condo -- which, if we're going to be seeing more of it this season, I expect to see completely crammed with trade-show swag. Anyway, he tells us that he didn't get the job in New York, but that he got something even better, in the form of domestic bliss with Jan. He shows off the breakfast she supposedly made for him, which is a bowl of cereal with soymilk. Oh, no meal prepared with love involves soymilk, and we all know it.
Michael goes up to his bedroom, proudly showing the camera why he does it all: Jan, totally dead to the world, sprawled out across his entire bed. Hilariously, the room is showing the unmistakable signs that a woman's checked in: a floral spread on the bed (under Jan's carcass, of course), a chintz chair in the corner, and like a million throw pillows all over the floor. It's a room any of our moms would adore -- as soon as Jan got up and ran a comb through her hair, of course.
, Michael's in his car on his way to work, interviewing that this is going to be a good year: he's got Jan at home, Ryan in Corporate, Andy and Dwight "rocking the sales team," and, suddenly, Meredith on the hood of his car. There's a dull thud as the Sebring takes her down, and then she rolls onto the pavement, and then Michael is staring at the camera in mute horror. No one saw that, right?
After the credits, the IT guy is working on Pam's computer, which apparently crashed after she bought some celebrity's sex video. Oh, David Hasselhoff. Our fascination with you has taken down good equipment yet again. Pam has, by the way, undergone a makeover since last we saw her: her hair is down, and instead of her usual bland button-down blouse and dowdy skirt, she's in a soft (yet still modest) sweater and marginally sexy black skirt. Standing shoulder to shoulder with her at the desk is Jim, teasing Pam about her illicit sex-video acquisitions. She does not respond by teasing him about his reversion to his pre-Big Haircut 'do, but she could. It is not growing out well. I think it might be a weave.
Jim interviews that he broke up with Karen after his interview in New York. She returned to Scranton (...somehow, Jim having left her there without a ride) and laid into him (which we see), telling him that just because their relationship was over didn't mean she would be leaving the office, and then the day she was gone -- on to a much crappier show, apparently. Jim tells the camera that he's single now, so if the unseen producer knows anyone, dot dot dot.
Pam interviews that she and Jim went out a few times, she talked him through his breakup with Karen, and now she's happy that they've gone back to being good friends. I mean, I think that's what she said; I can't quite get the entire message clear when her face is partially concealed behind her WEB OF LIES.
And then KEVIN announces that Pam and Jim are full of shit and have been "totally hooking up," but just aren't telling anyone. The shot widens as Kevin turns to Oscar, sitting to him, for corroboration, but Oscar is more cautious, saying that there "is no evidence of intimacy" (um, ew), and that although Jim and Pam have been in great spirits, it could be due to other causes. Yes, I know I perk up when all my favorite TV shows come back, so that very well could be the reason.
Back at Reception, Pam and Jim lie about their weekend plans while Kevin looks on, shaking his head at the camera in disgust. Pam's not going to the flea market, and Jim's not going mountain-biking, because they're clearly going to be spending the weekend creating "evidence of intimacy." Sorry. But Oscar started it.
Michael enters the office in a zombielike trance and announces that Meredith has been struck by a car in the parking lot. Everyone is shocked and horrified as Michael explains that he took her to the hospital, and makes it sound at first like she's actually died (Stanley: "What is wrong with you?") before downplaying an apparent fractured pelvis. Andy asks whether Michael saw who did it, and Dwight shrugs that they can just check the security tapes. Realizing that he can't avoid it any longer, Michael reveals that he was able to respond so quickly to Meredith's injuries because he was in the car that struck her. Jim, quietly: "Who was driving?" There's a long beat, and then Pam moans, "Oh, Michael." Let a brother answer, woman!
Jim interviews about another time Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway, and wonders whom Michael hit that time. You know, cataloguing past mistakes is the business of another show, dude.
In his office, Michael pinches his nose as Dwight tries to cheer him up by pointing out, "It's only Meredith." Ha! Michael knows, but is more concerned that all his colleagues looked at him like he was a murderer. Dwight crouches down to pepper Michael with questions about why he did it -- sick of her face, she talked back, he owed her money, she spurned his advances -- and Michael stares at the camera, possibly trying to remember.
Pam approaches the accountants to ask whether they want to come visit Meredith at lunch. Kevin knowingly says that she's probably going with Jim, but Pam says that she hasn't asked him yet. Kevin says that he'll probably say yes, and pushes it so hard that Oscar has to signal him to stow it. Angela says that she can't go because she has to give her cat, Sprinkles, her medicine. There's a cutaway to an interview, in which Angela thanks the unseen producer for asking about Sprinkles, which no one ever does. Maybe the fact that the cat is named "Sprinkles" causes people to assume that she's been sick since you got her? Anyway, Angela tells Pam that she also has to pet Sprinkles and keep her company. Pam wonders why Angela's (many) other cats can't keep Sprinkles company, but Angela tells her that there's bad blood among the cat population in her house. Also: cliques. Also: jealousies. Damn, this sounds like more drama than Meerkat Manor. Pam pointedly reminds Angela that since she is the chairman of the party planning committee, Pam shouldn't even be organizing this event, and the appeal to Angela's ceremonial office effectively wears her down.
Michael talks to Ryan on speakerphone, calling him "my lord, my liege." He interviews that Ryan is now at Corporate, and is a small fish in a big pond, whereas Michael is still a big dog in a big pond. He asks which is really the bigger deal -- a dog, or a fish? Depends -- is the fish one of those scary-ass catfish with the creepy whiskers? Because those things can intimidate anyone. Back on the call, Michael tells Ryan that he needs "a treat for the gang" to win them back over since his vehicular assault. He only says part of that, though. Ryan instantly goes Corporate all over Michael's ass, asking whether he did it on purpose. Michael promises that he was being negligent. Ryan asks whether it happened on company property, and Michael assures him that it was both on company property and with company property, so given double jeopardy, "we're fine." Ryan haltingly says he doesn't think Michael understands how double jeopardy works, and Michael rephrases: "What is 'we're fine'?" Man alive, if there isn't an episode soon that gets this character on a witness stand -- I don't even care what the case is -- it's a real missed opportunity.
At Corporate, Ryan -- with studied scruff and in a black on black on black ensemble -- expresses extremely false modesty over being called a "wunderkind."
Dwight and Angela have a clandestine meeting in which she asks him to go feed Sprinkles for her. He's on board through the insulin shot and the ACE inhibitor, but by the time she gets around to describing something he'll have to do to the base of her tail, it's clear he's thinking that it's time to just throw this cat away. And even if he's not, I am.
Michael enters the break room to make an announcement. Phyllis guesses that he shot Dwight, but in fact, it is that, to take everyone's mind off Meredith's injury, he wants them to plant a tree. Pam basically ignores him and starts reeling off her plan for people to visit Meredith in shifts. She says she can take three people in her car, and Jim echoes the offer. Oscar notes to Kevin that they're taking separate cars. Michael offers to take more in his car, and when Stanley expresses his shock that Michael would even suggest that, Michael heatedly reminds everyone that no one inside Michael's car was hurt, which is both an excellent observation and a possible selling point for the Sebring. Anyway, it ends with Michael overruling Pam and ordering everyone to go see Meredith together, en masse, because nothing's more restful to a recuperating patient than seeing eighteen people at a time.
Michael interviews that he has flaws: he sings in the shower, he spends too much time volunteering, and sometimes, he hits people with his car: "So sue me." Michael then has to backpedal from this suggestion, because he's had to realize the hard way that sometimes it's not just an expression.
After commercials, the Dunder Mifflites arrive at the hospital, Michael leading the charge with a clutch of Mylar balloons. As he makes his way to Meredith's room, he VOs that he hates hospitals because he associates them with sickness (for some reason).
Once everyone's entered Meredith's room, Michael tries to lighten the mood by saying she looks like an angel. The general consensus, however, seems to be that she looks terrible, but Michael bitches that she always looks like that. As she stirs, Jim says he thinks she's awake; Michael says she's in a coma, but a nearby nurse corrects him: "No." Heh. Meredith wakes up, comments on how weird it is that everyone's there at once, and Michael, of course, over-corrects by being way too chipper. He tries to tie her balloons to a tube going into her hand, and ends up pulling it out. There's some business with the tube (during which Michael says he's going to barf, which...not quite yet, tiger), but once the nurse has returned to fix it, Phyllis asks if it hurts. Meredith says it's okay -- she's on a lot of painkillers -- and of course Creed leans in to rhyme off a bunch of different product names; Meredith doesn't know what she's on, which I guess is another way to let us know how very out of it she actually is. Meredith makes some noises to dismiss the group, but Michael's not ready to go: he thinks it would be "fun" if she were to forgive him in front of everyone. Meredith firmly says that she isn't going to do that: "You cracked my pelvis." Michael thinks that she should laugh it off and forgive him, and when she insists, "You're not forgiven," Michael not only isn't trying to hear that, but climbs onto the bed to straddle her and try to put his arms around her. And, I mean, it's no picnic to be hug-raped at the best of times, but when it involves some idiot also putting weight on your fractured pelvis...I mean, there probably isn't enough Fentanyl in the hospital to wash that away.
Michael interviews that he doesn't need to be liked: "I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked." But it's not compulsive, like his need to be praised all the time. If that's what he's after, then I really don't know why he ever took that improv class.
Dwight and Angela meet back up in the lobby at the office. She eagerly asks him how it went, and he tells her that she left the TV on, and that her cat is dead. Angela immediately starts sobbing. He makes a tactical error by calling Sprinkles by the wrong name, and emotionlessly says that she looked "really dead," and that she's in the freezer, "because of the odour." At least he didn't say that she crawled in there herself to end her suffering.
Upstairs, Pam is comforting Angela by the Reception desk when Michael emerges from his office. Thinking she's crying about Meredith, Michael starts to get mad, and basically orders the office to get over it, but Pam explains about the cat. "Sprinkles?" says Michael. What, did they hang out? Michael is nearly as overcome by this news as Angela was, and says he's sorry. He says that it's been a terrible day, and asks how it could get worse, what with Pam's computer crash, Meredith's accident, and now Angela's cat. He decides that the office is cursed. As is so often the case, Michael is accidentally right.
Michael interviews, "I am taking responsibility. And it is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious." Sure, a day like this would turn anyone a little stitious.
After commercials, Michael tries to figure out what could have possibly cursed the office. As far as we can tell, no one violated any Indian burial grounds. In fact, Toby's actually had good luck lately, what with getting his business card fished out of a basket at Alfredo's, landing him free pizza for a week. Toby has business cards? Michael notes that everyone else's tragedy is Toby's good luck: "Satan." Angela burbles that Sprinkles didn't do anything to deserve her fate, and asks God why He would take a cat who "had so much more to accomplish." Indeed, when we think of the cat population, the first thing that comes to mind is all their impressive works. Dwight quietly says that Sprinkles was "only a cat," and Angela crabs that he doesn't like cats. Dwight comments that cats don't provide "milk, or wool, or meat." I would dispute the second claim, if every cat owner's couch I've ever seen is any indication. Michael orders Dwight to go to the hospital and pay his respects to Meredith. Despite the fact that he doesn't respect her, Dwight agrees, and therefore is excused from the following conversation that, come on, really should get Michael into a court of law at some point.
So Michael announces that he wants everyone to talk about his or her personal religious beliefs. Toby immediately speaks up to say that they can't do that. Michael says that, as Satan, Toby's instructions are the opposite of what they should do. Toby wearily says, then, that they can talk about everyone's religious beliefs, and Michael says that was just a trick that Toby fell for, giving them permission. Michael starts with Stanley, who is Catholic. Darryl says he's Presbyterian. Pam is too, and they high-five on it. Phyllis says that she's Lutheran, and Bob Vance is a Unitarian. Angela is not too grief-stricken to suggest that this unorthodox mixed marriage is the cause of all their current strife. We get a brief Creedterview in which he says that he's been involved in many cults, both as a leader and as a follower. Followers have more fun, but leaders make more money. Also, people tend to save beans that look like the leader. Back in the meeting, Michael gets around to Kelly, saying that as a Hindu, she worships Buddha. Kelly says that's Buddhists. Michael: "Are you sure?" Kelly: "No." HA! Kelly is so my favorite, you guys. The IT guy is sitting to Kelly, and Michael asks him, "What are you?" IT Guy says that if Michael's reducing his identity to his religion, then he's a Sikh, but adds that he likes hip-hop and NPR, and is restoring a classic car. Dude, we asked your faith, not your profile from Match.com.
At the hospital, Dwight sticks a finger under Meredith's nose to see if she's still alive. He VOs that, as a farmer, he knows when to let a creature go that's outlived its usefulness, and complains that the energy being expended to keep Meredith alive could power a fan for two days. TWO DAYS, people. A fan! He tells Meredith to blink once if she wants him to pull the plug. Meredith is fully able to speak and orders him not to pull any plugs. I still don't know if Dwight credits this excited utterance with the force of an order. The doctor enters, and Dwight officiously hands her Meredith's chart, complaining that it doesn't say she had a hysterectomy, for which she took time off work. "So that's where her uterus went!" cracks the doctor, mugging for the camera. Yeah, keep it on point, Short Stack. Turning his attention to Meredith, the doctor notes that she was recently bitten by a bat. Meredith bitterly says that it was when Dwight put a bag containing a bat over her head. Dwight: "Just doing my job." And a heck of a job it is, too. The doctor adds that she was also bitten by a rat and by a raccoon, and Meredith confirms that she was, in two separate incidents. What the hell kind of janky petting zoos is she going to?
Back at the office, Michael is musing that all the effort he's spent to make people like him could be undone just by his hitting one person with a car: "God is dead." Kelly says that if there were a God, she and Ryan would be married by now. I guess then she'd be bearing his wunderspawn. Michael then gets into a long, nonsensical digression about the gods that existed before God, and what consituent parts those mythical gods could have been built from. Jim briskly volunteers to research that, and the meeting breaks up. All I know is that a god with the body of a porcupine is a god you don't displease twice.
Later, Dwight tells Michael that they're giving Meredith the rabies vaccine, so it was lucky that she was at the hospital because the only way to treat rabies is to start before the onset of symptoms. Michael seizes on this interpretation and storms out to relay it to the rest of the office. He says that rabies is "ten times worse" than a fractured pelvis, and that Michael's taking her to the hospital to be treated for it marks the breaking of the curse. Kevin tries to start a round of applause. It doesn't really catch on.
Michael interviews that there is a God, after all. I suppose Michael's God loves alcoholics and hates cats.
After work, Pam leaves the office, gets into her car, and pulls out of the parking lot. Kevin is crouching in the back of what I hope is his car, and watches her leave, alone. He interviews that he really thought Pam and Jim were going to get together, like "PB & J. Pam Beesly and Jim." He realizes as he says it how the initials scan, and rolls his eyes: "What a waste." That abbreviation is a lot less queer than "Jam," anyway.
As we watch Pam's car drive down the street, pursued by the Production car the camera's in, we hear her voice-over insisting that she isn't seeing anyone, and that it isn't anyone's business. When she does fall in love, she's not going to discuss it with a camera crew, or her co-workers. But then the camera car slows way down, and we watch Pam ducking her head over the steering wheel, and then Jim getting in the passenger seat, and Pam and Jim kissing. And if there's any more dialogue before the commercial, I can't hear it over the sound of North America squeeing.
After commercials, Pam is in a new cute-ish sweater, answering the phone at her desk with the overly long name of a fun run Michael's inaugurated to wipe out rabies. It's so long, in fact, that the caller hangs up. Oh well -- people who love rabies don't deserve paper!
Michael interviews that a woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car to learn that she has rabies, which is why he's hosting a fun run to raise awareness of the fact that there is, in fact, a cure for rabies. To support the cause, he has produced incredibly long placards, t-shirts, and commemorative rubber bracelets in the extremely inspiring colour grey, probably because every single other possible colour has already been taken.
Stanley tries, and fails, to get a sponsor for the event. And, you know, it's Stanley, so I hardly need tell you that he doesn't really try all that hard. Michael rallies the troops by saying that Jan pledged $500. Andy asks if that isn't actually Michael's money, and Michael seems to need a second to realize that Andy's right before blustering that it's for a good cause. Also serving the cause: Phyllis's rabies quilt, featuring squares depicting rabies transmission from raccoon to, I think, fox. I would totally buy that quilt.
Kevin comes out of the kitchen to tell Michael that he won't run -- not because, as Michael guesses, Kevin's embarrassed about showing people his bare legs when he's wearing shorts, but because it isn't a real charity, and Kevin didn't bring workout gear. Michael goes into a long, only half-sensical speech about how, in olden times, people built like Kevin is were wealthy and upper-class and had money to eat, whereas people who were "athletic and trim" like Michael were peasants in the field. Kevin decides it's not worth pursuing his argument and storms off, leaving Michael to mutter to the camera that it's not olden times anymore. True -- in olden times, a guy who stepped on a grill probably would have died of his injuries.
Andy is afraid of nipple chafing. Let's just say he goes past the point of sensible nipple protection, and comes around to looking like a twelve-year-old girl the day before she gets her first training bra.
Andy and his breast nubs run into Angela, in her mourning clothes, in the kitchen. He tells her he's sorry about her cat, and she starts sobbing. If she'd just turn around and look at Andy, she really would cheer up immediately.
In an interview, Angela shows the camera a series of photos of herself with Sprinkles in happier days. You know how all photos of cats with their owners are kind of queer by default? These are the kinds of shots that would get binned as "too twee" if they were sent in to Cat Fancy. Angela casts suspicion on the timing of Dwight's feeding of Sprinkles and her subsequent passing. But Angela -- he is a farmer!
Pam is at her desk, mooning over Jim (who, by the way, is sitting back at the old Jim Classic position) when Angela hisses her over and tells her she's having relationship problems. She confesses her fear that Dwight killed Sprinkles, citing as evidence the fact that when she got home, Sprinkles was in her freezer, as Dwight had said, but that all of her bags of frozen french fries were "clawed to shreds." Okay, that is damning evidence. But isn't it possible that Angela shops at the kind of stores that would sell irregular bags? Angela asks whether Roy ever killed any of Pam's cats, and Pam says that she's more of a dog person. Angela rolls her eyes and flounces off to find a more feline-friendly confidante.
In the break room, Pam and Jim banter over her plans for the fun run: she's going to run really fast. Jim doesn't know why no one's thought of that before. They abruptly break off their conversation when they notice that there's a camera sharing the table with them...
...and then Pam and Jim are in the conference room, watching the footage we just saw of the curbside rendezvous. Jim tries to cover by saying that you can edit anything to look like anything these days. Pam says, "I gave him a ride home 'cause...we're dating." Jim looks shocked, and then immediately pleased, to have the news out, and Pam beams that they haven't told anyone yet, but that it's going really well. She quickly looks at Jim: "Right?" Jim agrees that it is going really great, and the two grin like goons. Oh, man, I just cannot conceive what kind of horrible apocalypse the writers are cooking up to get these two apart eventually. I mean, if either cheats on the other, the fans are going to be burning TV producers in effigy. Seriously, the only way this ends is with Pam and Jim married, or one of them dead. You read it here first!
Angela violently hip-checks Dwight on her way back to her desk. He claims that he was only the messenger of Sprinkles's demise, but Angela makes it clear that she is not so sure.
Michael meets with Jim, Pam, and Dwight about the status of the fun run. So far, they've only raised $700, most of which has come from Michael and Jan. Michael's curious about the giant cheque, which costs $200 to print. Dwight incredulously shakes his head that they're even entertaining the idea, but Jim says he always pictured a giant cheque, which is all Michael needs to hear. Dwight wants to make sure as much money as possible goes to "bat birth control," and is stunned to learn that this is not, in fact, where the funds are being targeted. Michael wants to know if Pam's found a rabies doctor to come get the cheque, and Pam says that no doctor will come to collect a cheque for $700 -- or $500, once they pay for the giant cheque -- and also that there is no such thing as a rabies doctor. Michael asks about a rabies nurse, and Jim says that he's seen ads for nurses who hire out by the hour for parties, but that they charge a couple hundred dollars -- plus tips. Dwight suggests that they use the money to start a college fund for Meredith's son, but Michael dismissively says that the kid is not college material. And who would know that better than Michael?
Pam grabs a flyer and heads for Michael's office to explain that "5K," in the context of a run, means "five kilometres" and not five thousand miles. She knocks on the door, and when we all hear what certainly sounds like "come in," she opens the door, whereupon she gets an eyeful of Michael bottomless. Now, I'm not saying that alone makes it a hostile work environment, necessarily. But it doesn't make it friendly.
After commercials, Pam is in the break room, telling Jim about her horrifying ordeal and how the sight of Michael's junk is burned into her eyes. As they're talking, Michael -- now fully dressed in his running gear -- knocks very formally on the glass door. "Come in," calls Pam. "May I enter the room?" he asks. "Yes, or 'come in,'" says Pam bitterly. After some bickering about the proper way to open a closed door, Jim notes that Michael could have changed in the men's room, and Michael asks why he would, when he has an office. Pam tersely asks how many hours a day Michael spends naked in his office, and Michael non sequiturs that European offices are naked all the time. Pam says they're not (though I doubt she even has a passport, so I'm not sure why she's so confident). Michael says that his shirttail covered most of his action anyway, and Pam says that although she didn't see where it started, she saw where it ended. Jim: "Gross." Michael says it isn't gross, and that as an artist, Pam should think of him as one of her models -- besides which, all this superficial fussing is drawing attention away from the rabid, who are supposed to be the focus of the day. I'm fairly sure the rabid don't want to come upon Michael's business unawares, either.
In another interview, Jim sits up shirtless. Holding up his dress shirt in front of his chest, he asks, "Oh, I'm sorry. Is this a working office, and not a French beach?" Define "working."
At the start of the run, Jan checks in participants, and we learn that Creed is eighty-two years old. All that cult leading/following must be great for the complexion.
Michael takes offense at Toby's experienced stretching.
Andy and Dwight -- the latter in a fantastic hand-stenciled "SCHRUTE FARMS BEETS" shirt -- warm up by running in place.
Jan accuses Pam of "peeping" on Michael, and orders Pam to keep her hands off. Before Pam can say how way ahead of Jan she is on that, Michael kicks off the run by inviting the participants to look at the face of rabies: a huge blown-up photo of Meredith in her hospital bed. He educates the crowd by saying that it is a myth that three Americans die of rabies each year; in actuality, it is four. I assume there will be more information like this in a "The More You Know" at the end of the episode. As Michael is lecturing about rabies, the "silent killer," he looks over to see Darryl feeding a peanut to a squirrel. Looks like Michael will need to run someone else over to save another life. At this point, the "nurse," Elizabeth, rolls up. She and Michael recognize each other, and there are brief pleasantries before Michael hands over the cheque for what is now $340. But, I mean, those souvenir t-shirts don't print themselves.
As the rest of the participants prepare to run, Michael goes around the corner with Dwight to carbo-load with a big takeout tin of fettucine Alfredo. Yes, I seem to recall my trainer recommending that I do the same before our sessions.
Michael then exhorts the runners that it's not about winning, it's about finishing. He calls everyone to their marks, pulls down Toby's shorts (and I might be more traumatized by Toby's flesh-toned jockstrap than Pam was by Michael's actual genitals), and then Dwight fires an enormous, like, Saturday Night Special and the runners take off. Seriously, that thing looks like it could put out more than one injured animal, down on the farm, with a single shot.
Pam interviews that when someone makes you nervous, you actually shouldn't picture him naked. You should picture him clothed -- possibly with a big coat. I'm guessing that in this case, picturing said person clothed, in a coat, and walking around in a yurt would actually be ideal.
The runners run. Poor Kevin really is running in his shirt and dress pants -- he didn't even take off his tie. Darryl chats up Elizabeth.
Michael races past Stanley, Creed, and Oscar, who cheer him on for being so fast. Michael tells the camera that he's like Forrest Gump, only not an idiot...while, behind him, Creed, Oscar, and Stanley get into a cab. Stanley interviews that he will be working out today -- he'll work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause. Tell that to Future Darryl.
Andy reminds us that he's walked two marathons, so finishing this 5K should be no problem. He plans to succeed by reducing wind resistance, which we see means running directly behind Kevin. Hey! Kevin's not that big! Or possibly my horizons have just expanded since I've been watching The Biggest Loser.
Last to leave the parking lot are Pam and Jim. They banter about being bummed to be in last place, and as they watch their co-workers disappear ahead of them, Jim reaches for Pam's hand. The squee-ing! It's deafening!
Along the route, Jan has set up a stand with cups of water; Toby takes a sip from one and flings the cup back in Jan's face. "Water, babe?" Jan calls to Michael. He declines; rabies makes you scared of water. Jan reminds him that he is not rabid, but he says that replicating the feeling is the least he can do for the cause. Making the giant cheque for $340 the second-least he could do.
Andy's nipples are in distress.
The cab crew orders another round of beers on a patio.
Dwight catches up to Michael and assures him that he has nothing to worry about; he put Immodium in Toby's drink before the race. Michael celebrates, but then asks, "Immodium or Ex-Lax?" Dwight shoots the camera a worried look. I'm not sure it wasn't actually Midol.
Toby tells the camera he's making great time -- and he usually has to stop for a bathroom break. Dwight dwights again.
Jim and Pam blow off the race even more to go to a garage sale.
Ryan calls the Scranton office, gets the outgoing voicemail about the entire office participating in the rabies run, and possibly starts to realize what made Jan go so crazy that her job came to be vacant in the first place.
Michael is now in almost as much distress as Andy's nipples. It seems the pasta is not agreeing with him.
Kevin stops at a corner and Andy runs right into him. Apparently even blunt force trauma is injurious to his nipples.
Dwight runs with Angela, trying to sweet-talk her, but she curtly tells him that she's sending Sprinkles's organs to a lab for testing. Dwight announces, "I am a farmer, Angela." He explains that when a farmer sees an animal that has outlived its usefulness, a farmer does what "city folk" don't have the stomach to do. Angela stops, screeching that Dwight did kill Sprinkles. Dwight says that he sang the cat her favorite songs and fed her an antihistamine so that she fell asleep. Angela says that Sprinkles obviously vomited the drugs back up and tried to escape from the freezer, but Dwight heatedly says that wasn't his fault. He says he thought he was doing her a favour, and expected a hug. Angela plaintively says, "Cat heaven is a beautiful place, but you don't get there if you're euthanized." Oh, cat purgatory's probably not that bad. It's probably just like living with a crazy lady who has so many cats you never get any individual attention. Dwight says that he knows a taxidermist (Michael runs through their conversation, babbling incoherently), or that they can bury Sprinkles in the east field, by Dwight's mother. Angela's not willing to discuss it and runs away from him. I don't know why she doesn't realize what a great deal that is; they'll be close enough to dig up Mother Schrute so that Angela can be married in the dress Dwight's mother was buried in.
After commercials, Pam emerges from the garage sale with a hideous lamp she bought for $8. She blithely hands it to Jim, who fake-complains to the camera that he guesses he gets to carry it, but he obviously loves to carry Pam's shit.
In the final tag, Michael's in the hospital, being treated for dehydration (and enjoying a lollipop), when Meredith wheels in. He tries to draw a parallel between her fear of water (due to rabies) and his failure to drink water, but she reminds him that she's actually there because he hit her with his car. She adds, though, that she heard what he did, and that she's not angry at him anymore. He magnanimously says he's not mad at her anymore, either, and offers to share his lollipop with her. She takes a lick and goes to hand it back, but he says he's all set. I assume he's just remembered that it still kind of tastes like artificial cherry Alfredo.