We open in the reception area at Dunder Mifflin Corporate, in New York; Michael waits in the foreground. David enters, and Michael leaps up and immediately makes with the glad-handing, but David's like "...Isn't our interview tomorrow?" Michael eventually confirms that it is, but says he was in the neighborhood. David starts nicely poking holes in Michael's story (he was going to go to a Broadway show in the middle of a workday? Michael: "Noooooo"), but Michael turns the exchange around, asking how many people David will be interviewing. David says it'll be branch managers, and a few lower-level people. Michael asks whether any of the candidates has been with the company longer than Michael, or manages more people; David, taking his meaning, smiles and says no. Michael excuses David: "No further questions!" David politely tells Michael that he's really looking forward to their interview, and Michael confidently calls after him, "I'm really looking forward to working with you!" David takes off with a noncommittal wave, leaving Michael, presumably, to congratulate himself on the post-hypnotic suggestion.
Alone again in the reception area, Michael camera-talks while dialing his cell phone, declaring that the job is definitely his: "I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons." Into his phone, he tells Pam that he forgot which day the interview was and drove to New York by mistake, so he'll be three hours late. See, other job candidates? He has the information on how long it takes to drive from one office to another right at his fingertips.
After the credits, we're at Pam's desk, where she's comparing paperwork of some kind with Kevin and Meredith. Pam looks up delightedly as Jim walks in...with a slick new haircut. I'm not really sure how I feel about it; I'm not wild about the flippy emo look, but this is so over-moussed, it's like it's injection-molded. Kevin announces that Jim looks worse (heh) (also: word), while Meredith pronounces it "sexy hot" and demands that he turn around, which he politely refuses to do. Andy withdraws Jim's earlier nickname: instead of Big Tuna, he will now be known as Big Haircut. That's not the worst nickname ever; it's hardly a small haircut.
Jim interviews that Karen suggested that he get a haircut for his interview: "So that I could look presentable, and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless." That's not quite right; his regular look isn't so much "homeless" as "poser." Huh, turns out I really hated that haircut a lot more than I thought! John Krasinski should maybe consider bringing back his look from Jarhead.
Back in the bullpen, Pam pipes up to say she thinks he looks great, and Jim thanks her, only a bit hesitantly; in the background, Karen looks down. That Pam is such a hussy! With her...acknowledging visual stimuli!
Pam interviews that after she had her "little outburst on the beach" (in the , as of this writing not-yet-recapped episode), Jim was very nice about it. We see footage from the beach, of Pam and Jim hugging, as Pam says that he told her he missed her friendship too, and that she would always mean a lot to him. Pam adds that she isn't embarrassed: "It needed to be said, and I said it. And it only took me three years to summon the courage, so [sarcastic bow] thank you." stop: summoning the courage to take that cardigan back to JC Penney.
Michael's apparently made it back to Scranton, and he's in his office when a knock comes on the door. Dwight enters, and Michael tells him that it's time for him to name his replacement. It...is? Doesn't that usually happen after you get the new job? Anyway, Michael takes a Dunder Mifflin envelope off his desk, and asks Dwight to "hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute." "But that's my name," breathes Dwight. He opens the envelope and reads the letter, Michael looking on excitedly: "Dwight: Congratulations, a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch." The sentiment is so moving for Dwight that he starts to cry -- as, I think, any of us would. Michael beams, enjoying the rush of giving good news. And then Dwight starts seriously bawling, and Michael's enjoyment dissipates. By the time Dwight actually clutches the letter to his bosom, Michael is clearly wishing he had (prematurely) signed the office over to Stanley.
Pam finds Karen in the break room and apologizes for the whole thing at the beach. Karen tells her not to worry about it: "We all say things without thinking." Pam explains that she had been thinking that for a long time; she's just sorry if it made Karen feel weird. Karen's like, "...Okay," clearly bracing herself for the crazy-ass thing out of Pam's mouth to be, "I'm going after Jim in a big way, never mind that he's in a relationship with you. Just FYI."
Karen interviews, "Pam is kind of a bitch." Ha!
In the bullpen, Karen comes over to Jim's desk, and suggests that they drive up to New York after work: "Grab a bite, get a hotel room, enjoy the city a little bit?" Jim sighs heavily that he just has so much paperwork to do! But then he signs his name on a form, closes his folder, and announces that he's done. I don't know why these people complain all the time -- having a bullshit job looks awesome.
Jim and Karen find Michael in the break room; Jim asks Michael if they can leave early to go spend the night in New York. "Why, so you can do it?" asks Michael. "Whoops," says Jim quietly. Heh. Michael says he thought they'd all leave together the morning, in a convoy. Not carpooling, because when you carpool, you can't pull up alongside each other, give each other the finger, moon each other. Jim's like, "We're going tonight." Michael doesn't argue. Karen can't leave well enough alone, and asks how Michael would moon them if he were driving. Michael: "Cruise control." I'll bet that Michael's also anticipated twisty roads and stocked his car with prosthetic butt cheeks.
Kevin buttonholes Jim in some corner of the office and asks which he thinks is hotter -- Karen or Pam. Jim says he isn't going to discuss it, but Kevin ignores him, making his own pro/con list. Pam is taller, and has bigger breasts, but Karen has a prettier face. Jim regards him, nodding seriously, and tells Kevin to take the rest of the day, figure it out, and bring Jim his findings. Kevin takes off, delighted finally to have gotten the assignment he was born to fulfill.
Pam enters the break room to find several of her co-workers looking like they just stopped talking about her (and Ryan sitting sullenly alone at a table at the back of the room). Oscar speaks up first, telling Pam there's something he's been meaning to tell her: "I really miss our friendship." Pam smiles, with weary good humor. Stanley says he's never heard Pam talk that much: "I thought it was Kelly." Immediately, Kelly retorts that she never would have done that: "It was Patheticville. No offense, Pam." Heh. Meredith waves everyone off, telling Pam that everyone was so drunk they probably don't remember anything, but Creed declares that he not only remembered, he blogged about it.
Creed interviews: "www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out." Oh my God, you guys, that URL totally doesn't work!
Cut to Ryan, who interviews that, last year, Creed asked him how to set up a blog. "Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain," Ryan opened a Word document on Creed's computer and put an address at the top of the page. We see Creed updating the file as Ryan adds that he's read some of it: "Even for the internet, it's pretty shocking." You know, ever since I heard tell that there was Harry Potter/unicorn slash, I think I might be unshockable.
Michael comes over to Accounting to say his (premature) goodbyes. Kevin asks whether he thinks it will be weird working with Jan in New York, but Michael says that they haven't spoken since they broke up, and he assumes that if she had anything to say, she'd have gotten in touch with him. He adds that it's "basically" a done deal anyway, and that he's already sold his condo. Oscar pinches his nose against the migraine this conversation is giving him, and Angela asks who advised him to sell his condo. Michael whines that he'll need to buy a new place, and Angela's like, "But you said you were in debt!" What's mind-boggling here, of course, isn't that Michael sold his condo; it's that he ever had the wherewithal to buy one in the first place.
Michael interviews that he sold his condo on eBay. He says that both he and the buyer were very motivated: "It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time." Imagine that.
Dwight and Angela have a clandestine chat in the kitchen. He asks how she'd like to spend the night with the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Angela protests that she doesn't care if that's how they consolidated power in ancient Rome, but Dwight explains that he's talking about himself: he's taking Michael's job. He starts to try to put some kind of move on her, but she hisses, "Not now," and Dwight moves off. Left alone, Angela smirks to herself: "Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor." Oh, man, no more fashion shows at lunch?
After commercials, Dwight is smugly breaking the news of his new position to Jim: "Welcome to Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never." Jim affably asks whether his room has cable. It does not. Also, the sheets are made of fire. Jim asks if he can have a late check-out time, and Dwight hesitates only slightly before saying that he'll have to check with the manager. Jim points out that Dwight isn't the manager, even in his own fantasy, but Dwight quickly covers that he's the owner: "Co-owner. With Satan!" Jim recaps what we've learned so far: in Dwight's wildest fantasy, he's running a bed and breakfast with Satan. Dwight reminds Jim that he hasn't asked what Dwight's salary is. Jim: "Hit me." Dwight: "Eighty thousand dollars a year!" Gosh. Way to dream medium, Dwight.
Dwight interviews that once he's installed as regional manager, his first order of business will be to demote Jim, which means he'll need a new #2. As we see him putting up a sign-up sheet for applicants for his job, he says that his ideal candidate would be Jack Bauer. Unfortunately, he's "unavailable, fictional, and overqualified." He might not pass a corporate background check, either.
In the bullpen, Andy excitedly puts his name on Dwight's list. Putting his name on lists is something Andy got very good at back before he graduated from Cornell.
Michael is consulting with Pam at the reception desk when Jane comes in, all bright and breezy and looking like she doesn't have a care in the world. Drunk, or on Prozac? You make the call. Michael does not receive her surprise visit with his usual good grace and aplomb, asking what she's doing there. She's kind of taken aback by his reaction, and as Pam sits uncomfortably, looking from one to the other, Jan asks if she and Michael can talk privately; she doesn't like the way they left things. Michael tries to wriggle out of it, but finally just decides to keep the "hand" in the transaction by telling her to go to his office and wait, while he conducts important business. She takes off, and Michael orders Pam to gather the ladies in the conference room: "Phyllis, Angela, Karen." Pam asks about Meredith, but Michael shrugs that off, before turning back and adding, "She's an alternate." That's one way to put it.
Michael then heads into his office, trying to make nice with Jan. She says she's been calling but keeps getting his voicemail, and Michael grins, "I didn't get both of your messages." Well played.
In the bullpen, Pam rounds up Michael's Angels. Karen is ready to leap into action when she learns that Jan is back, and then adds a request for Pam to make photocopies of Karen's and Jim's sales reports before they leave for New York. Pam agrees to perform this menial task, adding, "I really hope you get the job." Karen has to sit there for a second and think about what Pam might mean by that, presumably landing on the bitchiest interpretation.
Back in his office, Jan is telling Michael that after he broke up with her, she went on vacation. Michael's like, "That's great?" Jan further explains that she's feeling good about herself and has made some big changes in her life, and she misses Michael: she wants them to get back together. So...not Prozac.
Michael can barely stagger into the conference room to deliver this news. The ladies quickly determine that Michael does not want to reunite with Jan, so they advise him not to. Michael: "What if she makes me?...She made me do a lot of things I didn't want to do." Pam reminds Michael that he was miserable with Jan and is much happier now. Michael, thus bolstered, announces that he's "in a good place"; the women watch him go, with varying degrees of confidence that he won't still screw it up.
As Michael enters his office again, Jan's taken off her coat. Her back is turned to him...but the camera is getting a nice big view of her nice big knockers. Damn, whatever they've padded her bra with has brought her up to at least a DD. It's such a nice job that I have to wonder whether Rick Baker was involved at some point. Anyway, Michael enters, all ready to shut Jan down, but as soon as she turns and reveals her new rack (which the camera then zooms in on like we hadn't already noticed), he is instantly dumbstruck. As he stares at her boobs, and then her face (and Jan beams back at him, this new tactic having apparently paid off just as she wanted it to), Michael VOs that Jan is in a different place now, and that it's a sign of maturity to give people second chances. Cut to his interview, as he continues: "I'm going to hear her out." I'm not sure how much his other senses are going to be working as long as his eyes have that much to work on.
After commercials, Jan strides confidently out of Michael's office, giving the rest of the Scranton branch a look at her new sweater puppies. Once she's out of earshot, Pam murmurs, "Oh my God." Jim turns, and Pam mimes a pair of gigantic bazooms over her own normal-sized chest. "Bigger, actually," says Jim. Karen watches Jim and Pam sharing a giggly moment and marches over, standing between them and making Jim talk to her instead. It's not obvious at all.
Pam interviews, "No, it's fine." She says she's sure it was weird for Jim when Pam and Roy were joking around. "That one time." Sure -- fart jokes aren't really appropriate for the office, Pam, and I'm not sure Roy's repertoire extends much further.
Over by Andy's desk, Jan spills a little water on her sweater and pats it away, as everyone considers her new additions. Meredith interviews that she'd never get a boob job, since it would be a waste of money; in her experience, men are more attracted to the back than the front. Heh. Kevin, however, counters in his own interview, "I love fake boobs. Oftentimes, you find them on strippers." But Creed finds them offensive: "Au naturel, baby. Swing low, sweet chariots." You tend to find those on strippers less often.
Back in Michael's office, he's sat on the desk, with Jan standing in front of him, so that her cleavage is directly in front of his face. But it's plainly taking all his concentration to keep his eyes on her face as she yammers on about a way toward reconciliation and changing priorities, and finally he just blurts, "Let's get back together." Jen is delighted that it's that easy (though not, probably, very surprised).
Michael defensively interviews that it's not because of the boob job: "Excuse me -- boob enhancement." If it were, it would be shallow, but this is the opposite: it's "emotionally magnificent." Ha! That's one synonym I've never heard for "boobtacular."
Bullpen. Dwight yells at everyone that it's time for the #2 interviews -- but no one's signed up except Andy. As he heads over, Karen calls out to the office at large to wish them luck, and even though Dwight orders that "all luck must be wished unto Michael," everyone else complies. "Good luck," says Pam emphatically, smiling moonily as Karen and Jim, her beloved, walk out the door. In an interview, she says she's happy for Jim, and hopes he gets the job, because she wants him to be happy, and then blah blahs on in a time-filling way I find unfortunately endemic in these hour-long episodes.
Dwight interviews Andy, beginning with "a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity." Dwight asks what is the best color. Andy says it's white, which contains all other colors, but Dwight says it's actually black, which is most dominant. He asks how to make a table, and Andy says you make a chair, but don't sit on it. Dwight asks what is the capital of Maine; Andy says it's Montpelier, Vermont, which is very close to Ithaca, New York, where Andy went to Cornell (in case you hadn't heard). Dwight crabbily orders a moratorium on Cornell talk, advising Andy to forget his personal history and learn the history of the company. Andy says that should be easy, since he minored in history at the unnamed Ivy League institution he attended. Dwight scowls that Andy is not getting off to a good start, but Andy counters that, in another way, he is. The state of Maine would not necessarily agree with that assessment.
Andy interviews that he's a great interviewee: he uses his brain to his advantage, "when advantageous." Which probably isn't so often in this particular workplace.
Cut to Andy's brain in use, as he arm-wrestles Dwight. Andy is just about to win when Dwight checks his watch and calls time, which means Andy fails. If nothing else, it proves that the perfect heir to Michael's legacy actually is Dwight.
In Jim's car, Jim and Karen banter about who's going to get the job. They are both way off. (Spoiler!)
Through his blinds, we watch Michael cupping Jan's boobies: "How remarkable." Indeed. That Rick Baker doesn't fuck around.
Michael and Jan emerge from his office, Jan saying that she'll see him in New York the day. She wishes him luck on his interview, kisses him on the cheek, and struts out. Michael can barely control himself giggling as he tells Pam he and Jan are getting back together. Horrified, Pam asks why. Michael: "Your advice was good. But Jan's was bigger." Not to mention harder.
Karen and Jim stroll down the street, Karen asking what will happen with the two of them when she gets the job. Jim asks if she means when he gets the job. She says that if he gets the job, she'll move to New York to be with him; she asks if he'd do the same. He doesn't answer right away, so Karen says she's not stupid; she was at the beach. She knows they don't have a future in Scranton: "There's one too many people there." "You mean Kevin?" asks Jim, in a Chipster-y voice, and Karen says, "Yes." She asks if he knows what she means, though: "I can't stay there." Jim says he knows, and reaches back to take her hand as they jog across the street. If Karen notices that he promised exactly nothing, it's impossible to tell.
After commercials, we're on Sixth Avenue, like three blocks from here. Karen and Jim screw around with Michael for trying to act like he's the Hillary Clinton to their collective Barack Obama.
Outside the doors, Michael interviews that he's by far the most qualified person who's being interviewed. He finds it cute that Jim and Karen are there -- they're like kid actors tagging along while Daddy goes for his big audition, except "Daddy is Meryl Streep." She'd make a very credible Daddy -- particularly if she reused her wig from A Cry In The Dark.
Back in Scranton, Dwight's already moved into Michael's "old" office and is enjoying a cheekful of Big League Chew as he interviews that Michael is gone. The shot widens to show Andy sycophanting to him: "Hail to the chief!" Dwight, around his gum, says that his first order of business was to make Andy his #2, and Andy adds that his was to accept. Dwight snorts that Andy hardly had a choice: "Opportunity of a lifetime." Behind his back, Andy's face falls, like he's hoping really hard that this isn't actually the end of the road for him.
In the kitchen, Andy interviews that, three months ago, he was nowhere -- just a Cornell grad in anger management. But look where he is now! The camera pans down to show us that not only is he washing out someone else's "World's Best Boss" coffee mug; he's washing it for someone who's borrowed it from some other delusional crackpot.
Back at Corporate, Jan's assistant, Hunter, comes out to the reception area. Michael greets him in a way that is possibly a tad too familiar. He introduces Hunter to Karen and Jim as a secretary ("administrative assistant," Hunter corrects), and asks if Jan is there. Hunter says she'll be coming in later, and Michael asks him to give her a message: "Tell her I want to squeeze them." Behind him, Jim nods. "She'll know what it means," Michael asks. Hunter's like, "Pigeons know what it means." Michael has an addendum: a lusty performance of the classic "motorboat" maneuver. Hunter takes off before Michael starts miming a handjob or something.
Michael interviews that two weeks ago, he was in the worst relationship of his life, with a woman with whom he didn't connect. Now he's in the best relationship of his life: "With the same woman. Love is a mystery." And yet saline: actually pretty straightforward.
In New York, Jim and Karen emerge from the Astor Place subway station. Karen asks what he wants to do first. He suggests a visit to the UN, and then admits that he's only been to New York on a sixth-grade field trip. I'm sure that covered all the high points. Was Scores open back then?
Michael comes out of the office in his coat, announcing that the time everyone sees him, he'll be working for Corporate, and Dwight will be running the branch. He says he wants to start saying his goodbyes...and commences by turning on, like, a Dictaphone, which plays that song "Kind & Generous" by Natalie Merchant (you know -- with the "thank you, thank you"). He melodramatically says, "Good night, and good luck," and heads out. As soon as he's rounded the corner, Dwight snaps off the Dictaphone, grabs his own nameplate, and sticks it to Michael's "former" office door, yelling, "Who's ready to work?" Everyone looks horrified -- except Angela, who looks like she might be in the mood to consolidate some power.
In New York, Jim camera-talks that he and Karen went to the Spotted Pig for dinner, a place Karen knew. Then they snuck into the second act of Spamalot, and went to a bar that used to be a church, where Jim is sure he saw Lorne Michaels. Karen, behind him at the ATM, says that wasn't him, but Jim mouths to the camera that it was. It probably was -- even I've seen that dude out in New York before, and not in the building, either. (Last actual 30 Rock celebrity sighting: Joel, the announcer from Conan. Before that, it was Max Weinberg, in the gym.)
Scranton. Dwight has called Pam into Michael's "former" office to tell her that she showed great leadership potential at the coal walk, despite her having followed it with an "embarrassing personal confession." Dwight is going to be both the regional manager, and the assistant to the regional manager (because he needs someone he can trust). Andy is his #2, and he wants Pam to be the secret assistant to the regional manager. He asks if she accepts. "Absolutely I do," says Pam very seriously.
Pam interviews, "I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you if you accept something secret, you reply, 'Absolutely I do.'" She's clearly excited for the cockamamie schemes that are undoubtedly in her immediate future.
Corporate. Michael enters David's office for his interview. David exposits that Michael didn't lose any customers in the merger, and also trimmed the budget. He asks what Michael's strengths are as a manager, and Michael counters by offering up his weaknesses: "I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job." David's like, "Right. And your strengths?" Michael smugly says that his weaknesses are actually strengths, and David's like, "Ah, very good." Michael grins into the camera. I assume he ganked these interview tips from a page linked to the one that taught him about negotiation.
Scranton. In the break room, Phyllis marvels that Dwight is going to be their new boss. Oscar contends that Michael won't be going anywhere. Kevin posits that Karen will get the new job because she looks corporate: "Those little pantsuits." Phyllis is pretty sure Michael will get the corporate job, regardless of his qualifications, since he wasn't qualified for the regional manager job, either, and got that one. Pam smiles a little; maybe Michael's incompetence has already taken on the glow of nostalgia.
Scranton. Dwight rallies the troops with news of his new motivational tool: the Schrute Buck. Employees get them when they do something good; a thousand of them can be exchanged for an extra five minutes at lunch. Pam apple-polishes by piping up to ask the cash value of a Schrute Buck; Dwight says that's an excellent question, and says that it's one one-hundredth of a cent. Oscar computes that ten thousand Schrute Bucks would be worth a dollar -- all right, Accounting! -- but shuts up off Angela's very sharp look. Dwight's announcement concerns his impatience for Michael's time-wasting events, such as "ethnic celebrations" and the like: he decrees that there will be no more meetings. "Amen," mutters Stanley. Not so fast! Dwight is replacing them with a long series of mandatory lectures designed to increase employees' knowledge of the world of paper, and the first one is starting in ten seconds. I hope he doesn't forget about papyrus!
Pam excitedly interviews that she can't wait to see what Dwight has planned. She adds that she wishes Jim were here. I guess she's been trained not to know that something's funny unless he's there to shrug at the camera.
Corporate. David asks what Michael thinks the company could be doing better. Michael says he isn't crazy about the name "Dunder Mifflin," and suggests, as alternatives, "Paper Great," or "Great Paper's Our Passion," or "Super Duper Paper." David's like, "Okay! Get out." At the door, Michael tells David that he and Jan have gotten back together, so he may need to sign another one of those "love documents." David uncomfortably tells Michael that the job he's just interviewed for is Jan's; they're letting Jan go. Eh, all she'd have to do is come to the office in a scoop-necked sweater and she could turn that around, no problem.
Scranton. Strap in: it's time for Origins of Paper, the class you would never take in a million years. Dwight very energetically talks about topsoil and nitrogen, asking Stanley about whether rainfall occurs in a solid, liquid, or gaseous state. Stanley answers "liquid" (which is correct, by the way), and Dwight gravely tells him he's earned one Schrute Buck. Stanley drawls, "I don't want it." Dwight yells that he's been fined fifty Schrute Bucks, then, and Stanley sighs, "Make it a hundred." "You don't want to earn Schrute Bucks?" asks Dwight, wounded. Stanley says that he'll give Dwight a billion Stanley Nickels never to speak to him again. Dwight asks the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks. Stanley: "The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns." Ah -- 5:2. Andy tries to punish everyone by abruptly dismissing the meeting, but Pam quiets the pandemonium by loudly ordering everyone to listen to Dwight's presentation. He gives her a huge wink, which Oscar notices, earning him his second "zip your lid" of the day. Maybe he's trying to get that to catch on.
Corporate. It's Karen's turn with David. She winds up her five-year plan (which I'm sure was just fascinating), and then David asks her what she thinks of Michael Scott. Karen diplomatically says that he's "a very nice man," and is "very well-suited for the job he has now." David assures her that this will be off the record. Karen: "He would be a disaster." David couldn't figure that out on his own? "Super Duper Paper"?
Michael walks stiffly out of his interview, every muscle completely tense. He comes past Jan's office and she waves him in, asking how the interview went. He says that it could have gone better, and she gives him a big kiss, telling him she'll put in a good word for him. Michael chokes that she should do that sooner than later, and then starts babbling that they should run away to Jamaica: "You have some savings, right? You could pay off my debts." Jan starts to get concerned, asking what happened in the interview, and Michael says he can't tell her. But the way he starts hyperventilating, it's pretty clear that if he even has a Vault, she's got the key. And it's in her bra.
Cut to Jan, stalking through the hall and straight into David's office, where Karen's interview is still underway. She demands that he confirm that he's firing her, and though David tries to be polite, he drops the veneer pretty quickly, saying that the move is long overdue, given her erratic behavior over the past two years: she hardly shows any interest in her work, smoking in her office, spending her days online shopping, disappearing for hours at a time -- or days -- supposedly to visit her sister in Scottsdale. Jan pulls off her jacket to ask if it's because of "these." David looks away as Jan says that if it is, she'll see him in court. David: "It's not." As David picks up his phone -- presumably to call Security -- Jan says that she's not leaving, though she falls short of producing handcuffs from her skirt and barricading herself to a lighting fixture. Loitering outside the door, Michael says that he didn't tell her. Maybe he just wrote it down.
Scranton. Andy and Dwight paint Michael's "old" office black, because they're fourteen.
Corporate. Michael waits in the reception area for Jan to emerge, her meager belongings in a paper box, escorted by a security guard. Jane gives Hunter a huge hug, wishing him luck with his band (oh, of course), and then unfortunately drops the box before she can storm off, cussing out David on her way. Once she's outside the office, Michael tells David to let him know about the job. David says that they're going to go in another direction. Michael says that's great -- he has lots of ideas for new directions -- but David explains that they're not giving Michael the job. Michael takes this in, and then announces that he doesn't want it, anyway, because taking his girlfriend's job would make him a bad boyfriend. Therefore, he's withdrawing his name from consideration. He formally asks whether David accepts, which David does. Michael confirms that he still has his job in Scranton, though, which he does; he declares that it's all he ever wanted anyway. Which...is a good thing.
Once Michael's gone, Karen and Jim exclaim over the hardcore self-destruction they've just witnessed. Jim says he feels a little bad for Jan, but Karen tells him not to: "She's nuts." She says she's going to go downtown to meet some of her friends for lunch, so Jim should call her when he's done; she wishes him luck and takes off. When she's left, the phone rings and the receptionist picks it up: "Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace." Jim looks wistful, thinking how much he'd like to be...received.
In Michael's car, Jan freaks out. Michael also freaks out, but in a more subdued way, because he's driving. She quickly careens from rage at David's rudeness to relief that she's done with her job (which she says always got in the way of her happiness) to sobbing with fear over what she's going to do now. Michael tells her not to cry, and she explains that the painkillers she's been on since the surgery have made her moods unpredictable. Ah -- so it was neither Prozac nor booze. I should have guessed. Michael impetuously suggests that Jan come stay with him; he could probably back out of the sale, despite the negative feedback that will probably result. Jan shrugs off the idea at first, but then says that it could work -- she could make their relationship her full-time job, wearing stretch pants and waiting for him to come home at 5:15. Michael stares at the camera in naked terror. I know, dude. Stretch pants?
Scranton. Michael comes creeping back into the office with a self-deprecating smile. In a Terminator voice, Michael announces, "I'll be baaaack. And I am back. For goooooood." To the camera, he explains that he's doing "Kevin Nealon." Heh. He declares that he withdrew his name from consideration for the corporate job. As Dwight looks on in horror, Michael claims that he got there, nailed the interview, and then "the strangest thing happened." He looks over and asks, "Why is my office black?" Dwight mumbles that it's to intimidate his subordinates -- Andy's idea. Michael tells him he shouldn't have taken it: "Bad management. Good thing I'm back." Michael orders, "Ryan! Coffee!" Ryan sternly says, "I don't do that stuff anymore." Michael says, "It's for me, bimbo." Dwight continues staring at Michael in shock as Michael promises, "I am going nowhere." Pam asks whether Karen got the job, but instead of answering, Michael tells Ryan he's still waiting on his coffee. He's really going to be waiting a while. (Spoiler!)
Dwight sadly moves back into his desk. He wanders over to Pam's desk and thanks her for helping him when she was the secret assistant to the regional manager: "You served the office with great dignity." Pam gravely salutes him, which gesture Dwight returns. Aw. I like it when they get along -- even if she's messing with him.
Pam interviews that she doesn't know what the future holds, but that she's optimistic, and that she had fun goofing around with Dwight today. She's trying to tell herself that she and Jim are too similar, and that maybe someday she'll find her own Karen -- but that's, you know, a man. She starts to offer some other kind of self-assuring pap, but has to break off in the middle: "I'm not gay." Well, not in the sexual sense, anyway.
Corporate. It's Jim's turn with David, who's boy's clubbing that he's not sure how he feels about hiring a Sixers fan. "I should leave," jokes Jim. David starts buttering Jim up, saying that Jim always hits his numbers and is very personable. Jim asks if David wants to know how Jim got to be so awesome. David chuckles, and asks for Jim's quarterly numbers and some questionnaire he was supposed to fill out. Jim goes to grab it as David yammers on about the HR guy Jim probably won't like, and as Jim opens his folder, he sees a message slip from Pam, with a gold medal from the Office Olympics paper-clipped to it, that reads, "Don't forget us when you're famous!" Jim has to spend five minutes pondering it until David snaps him out of it by asking how Jim thinks he'll do in New York. Jim says that he loves the buildings and the energy in New York, plus the businesses that are open past 8 PM. David asks what Jim's liked most about the Scranton branch, and Jim once again waits five minutes to answer, "The friendships." That's Scranton for Star-Crossed Love. David says that they want the person who takes this job to be in it for the long haul, so he wants to know where Jim sees himself in ten years. This kicks Jim off into yet another reverie, except this time, we get to see into his brain...
...which is back at the beach. Jim approaches Pam, who's standing alone, in the water. Jim asks how her feet are, and she cracks that they're medium rare. There's a long silence, and then Jim says, "The real reason I went back to Stamford was because I wanted to be...not here." Pam knows. Jim: "And even though I came back, I just feel like I've never really come back." She nods: "Well, I wish you would." They stare at each other significantly. Unseen, Pam's feet blister.
Scranton. Pam toils at her desk.
Then Pam interviews that she hasn't heard anything, but she bets Jim got the job, since he's "totally qualified and smart. Everyone loves him." We see Jim, doing his trademark half a smirk back in David's office, as Pam drones on. "And if he never comes back again..." Jim walks out of the office in New York. "We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends." Jim drives back. "We just...we never got the timing right." In New York, Karen waits for Jim to call, because he's totally her ride home to ANOTHER CITY -- but I guess that scene was cut for time. Back to Pam: "You know, I shot him down, and then he did the same to me, and...but you know what -- it's okay. Everything is going to be totally--" The door opens, and Big Haircut sticks his big haircut back into the room. He apologizes to the unseen producer, and asks Pam if she's free for dinner tonight. The camera reels back to her as she breathes, "Yes." Jim: "All right. Then it's a date." He taps the doorframe a few times, and then the camera cuts back to Pam, tearing up and smiling all goofy. "I'm sorry, what was the question?" Uh, check the thread for this episode. Everything about it has been hashed over for about three months.
After commercials, David tells someone on the phone that they "left the other day on a note of uncertainty," but that he's pleased to offer this person the job. The person accepts, and David says, "We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here." But who is it? WHO?!
You guys! It's Ryan! In his cube in Scranton, he tells David he's excited too, and hangs up. Behind him, Kelly asks who was on the phone. Ryan: "Nobody. You and I are done." "WHAT?!" shrieks Kelly. There goes his invitation to Diwali '07. Ryan grins at the camera for one-fifteenth of a second before the screen blacks out on Season 3.