Michael's vaguely sick, although neither he nor Dwight can figure out why, and it takes both of them to rule out "menses" using WebMD. Suddenly, Pam sticks her head into the office to say that Michael's got a call from CFO David Wallace on line 1. Once she and Dwight are out and Wallace is on the line, Michael can't resist a "and Gromit" line, prompting a familiar speakerphone sigh. "You sigh just like Jan," Michael observes, momentarily thrown off-balance. Michael blathers about his break-up with Jan, until Wallace interrupts to invite him to come and interview for a job at Corporate. See, if Wallace were as smart as he likes to come off, this would have been his chance to eliminate Michael from consideration right now and say, "Nothing, just checking in." But since he's not as smart as he likes to come off, he asks Michael to bring his first-quarter stats and a recommendation for his replacement to take over the Scranton branch. Michael reacts like he's just been handed an Oscar, and gropes around for something to say in honor of the occasion. "May God guide you in your quest," says Michael. "Yes," Wallace agrees awkwardly. Considering who ends up getting the job, I'm not sure God has much to do with it.
It's Beach Day, which, intuitively enough, means that Michael is bringing everyone to the beach. It also explains why the staffers' outfits are so casual. In a TH, Meredith lifts up her shirt to show us her swimsuit underneath. And good thing for pixilation, because the suit is still in her purse. Michael works the room in his Hawaiian shirt and Sandals t-shirt, teasing Oscar about gay beach attire. Toby enters from the annex, rocking a jaunty sun hat and offering everyone SPF 30, but Michael says that someone has to stay at the office, and it's going to be Toby. He actually looks regretful about this, not that anyone's fooled. And in his TH, Michael says that he wants today to be a "beautiful memory" once he's off at Corporate, and that having Toby along will only ruin it. Toby ends up giving Pam his sunscreen, and she thanks him, since she's wearing a two-piece. Toby moans and wanders away, unaware that no one else is going to be seeing said bikini today either. Michael approaches Pam and assigns her the job of taking notes for the day, on everything that happens. Pam doesn't look too thrilled about having to work on Beach Day, but what's she going to do? Say something? Michael does a TH in which he compares a company without a boss to a chicken without a head: "It dies. Unless you find a new head." So now he wants to find out which of his employees has what it takes to be a chicken head. Hence Pam's assignment.
In the party bus, everyone sings "The Gambler," with Michael's voice overwhelming everyone else's with his annoying high "harmony" while we see Toby alone at the office. Michael goes to the front of the bus to announce that this isn't just a beach day. Stanley says something grumpy, and Michael says that he can go to the back of the bus if he doesn't like it. "Or the front of the bus, or drive the bus," he flounders, realizing what he just said. Anyway, there will be "mandatory fun activities," and there will be a special secret prize at the end of all of it. Returning to the back, Michael asks Pam if she's getting all this. Pam could fill that whole notebook with the stuff about Michael that she doesn't get.
The bus arrives at the beach adjoining Lake Scranton, a desolate expanse of sand and weeds near a small body of water. "Watch out for snakes," Michael warns. He tells everyone to settle in. They've barely gotten started at that before Michael gathers them around himself to announce the start of the mandatory fun activities. He describes Lake Scranton as "America's eighth-largest indigenous body of water" (and thanks for the head-shake to the camera, Jim, because otherwise I would have had to look that up). Michael Probsts that there will be only one Survivor. "Just inspiring words," he assures a confused Oscar, aside-ing to us, "Not a contender." There will be four tribes, each with a leader that Michael will pick "randomly," where random=flailing your arms around and trying to make the four names you had in mind all along sound like they're coming off the top of your head. The leaders end up being Jim, Dwight, Andy, and Stanley, and they get to pick their teams (But Pam is off-limits, because she isn't playing. [As usual. (On both counts.)]) In a separate TH, Michael lists Jim's pros, comparing them to his own, but calls him not a hard worker, saying it takes Jim a half-hour to so something that takes Michael all day. Dwight tries to pick Michael for his team, but since he's sitting out, Dwight picks "Temp" instead. Michael gives us a few reasons why Dwight is a good candidate. "He is, however," Michael adds, "an idiot." So it would be a smooth transition, at least. Dwight picks a name for his team: Gryffindor. So Jim (with his team of Karen and Kevin) picks the name Voldemort just to bug Dwight. Which works brilliantly, especially when they loudly chant their team name. Stanley doesn't care what Michael calls his team, until Michael looks at Stanley's Red Shirt and comes up with the Red Team. So Stanley decides they're the Blue Team, just to be contrary. I know that Stanley doesn't care for Michael, but he should at least give Michael credit for not dubbing his group the Black Team or the Harlem Globetrotters or something. But then Michael proves me wrong, THing that he's giving Stanley a chance because of all the good that black people have done in America. Andy names himself, Kelly, Meredith, and Angela Team USA. Michael THs that Andy is "classy, he gets me, he went to Cornell, I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him."
Michael announces the first event: a blindfolded spoon and egg race. The racers will be guided on the course by their team leaders. When they start, Phyllis drops the Blue Team's egg three steps from the starting line. "Thank you so much," says Stanley, happy to get back to his crossword. Andy guides Kelly, but she's paranoid about hitting the big rock that's about a half a mile away from her, and removes her blindfold. "See, now we're disqualified," says Andy, hiding his rage behind a huge grin. He THs that he's okay losing everything today, to demonstrate what a good sport he is. And then he pegs a rock at a mallard. Still in the game, Jim messes with Karen, making her step over imaginary holes. Dwight is yelling at Ryan, who protests, and Jim guides Karen into the lake, soaking her shoes. She takes off her blindfold to chase after him as they both laugh. Meanwhile, from the sidelines, Pam says that there's nothing like a day at the beach, "filled with sun, surf, and diligent note-taking." "Pam, you're missing things!" Michael complains. Pam exhaustedly shakes her hand out and gets back to it with a martyr's sigh. She clearly does not have what it takes to be a recapper.
Creed is filmed from a distance, standing at the shoreline and pensively contemplating the water's surface. What is he thinking? Why is he apart from the group? All of these questions become moot when, with a lightning movement belying his age, he reaches into the lake and grabs a live, writhing fish. I think I just figured out how he gets away with so much stealing.
Ryan gets tired of Dwight yelling at him, and quits. So the winner is...nobody. "That was terrific, everybody," Andy applauds, while Michael sighs hopelessly.
Michael asks Pam to heat up 800 hot dogs in about ten minutes. And ten minutes later, Michael stands at the head of a long picnic table announcing the hot dog eating contest. He claims that the world record is 54 ½ hot dogs, and that there are enough there for everyone to break the record (plus one turkey burger for Michael). He says go, but everyone has a lot of questions about the hot dogs. Michael tries to motivate them by saying that there's a big big prize. Specifically? "The winner gets a Regional Manager salary and a Sebring and a feeling they're making a huge difference in the world," says Michael. Kelly just wants the first two. "The winner of today gets my job!" Michael finally blurts in frustration. Everyone stares at him in varying degrees of shock as Michael tells them that he's interviewing for a Corporate job he'll probably get. But now he doesn't know whom to recommend, "because no one's stepping up!" "I am so hungry!" Andy suddenly says, tucking in. Stanley's skeptical that the new boss will actually be chosen on this basis, but when Michael confirms it with a solemn "Word," Stanley's in, too. "I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself," Stanley THs. "Game on." I'm becoming concerned about these employees' discrimination in favor of cleaning supplies whenever Michael mentions a successor. It's like the ficus isn't even there.
Andy ends up wins the eating contest with fourteen hot dogs -- thirteen if you don't count the one that came up. Creed returns, disappointedly holding the stripped skeleton and head of his catch. "Nobody told me there were going to be hot dogs," he complains.
Dwight and Angela are off alone, and Dwight suggests sabotage. Angela says that she'll deliberately misunderstand everything Andy says, "until he goes insane." Despite the fact that there are no walls to punch through at the beach, Dwight and Angela both think it'll work. "If Michael organizes a group hug, try to stand to me," Dwight instructs. He does know how to talk to the ladies.
Jim and Stanley are getting ready to square off in those big sumo suits and rubber helmets shaped like feudal Japanese topknots. Michael reads the rules: don't step outside the "ring" (actually a canvas circle stretched out on the sand), don't touch the ground, and always wear the safety mittens. Which Michael left in the trunk of his car, but never mind. When Michael calls go, Stanley charges Jim like an enraged grizzly, knocking a startled Jim flat on his face. "Sorry about that, it's all about taking points away from Dwight," Stanley apologizes afterward to his prone coworker. "Oh my God," Jim panting-heads afterward. "I have never seen that look in a man's eyes, ever. I thought that I might die! On Beach Day!"
Andy and Dwight match up in the sumo suits, as Oscar says that he'll transfer to Albany if either one of them gets put in charge. He also mentions that things aren't going so well between him and Gil: "Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see." Oh, Oscar, don't do it. On this show, it will only lead to heartbreak.
Finally, Dwight beats Andy in the sumo ring. Afterward, Andy -- still in the suit and helmet -- serenely THs that he only lost because he learned in anger management that "it's better to work things out with words." So Dwight comes and kicks Andy's ass again.
Still in the suit and helmet, Andy bumbles down the steep bank toward the lake to soak his bandanna. But he slips and falls into the water. It's impossible to swim in one of those, but fortunately it makes an excellent flotation device, so Andy is left floating helplessly on his back. The only one who saw him take the spill into the drink is Angela, who pretends not to understand Andy's desperate calls for help as he begins to float away. "Look at what I'm dong and go tell somebody it!" he bellows. Angela shrugs mock-obliviously. "Bye, Andy!" says Angela. I can't believe how well that plan worked out.
Michael THs that it isn't going well. "Jim is not taking it seriously, Stanley is having a stroke, and Andy, where is he? Where the hell is Andy?" Well, Andy would be that tiny dot in the middle of the lake, flopping around in the distance over Michael's shoulder.
Michael asks Pam who's winning, but she says it's hard to tell. "At various points you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. I don't really know how to compare those units." Leave it to Michael to use a scoring system inspired by Whose Line Is it Anyway?. Michael makes her check the notebook for a conversion chart. The notebook she's been filling, mind you.
Jim and Karen are off on their own, talking to David Wallace on Jim's cell phone about the corporate position. Basically, they both want it.
Michael lectures that a good manager needs courage. "How so?" Stanley rumbles, and then corrects himself, smiling, "I mean, sure thing, that sounds smart-- I can't do this anymore, I'm going to sit in the bus." Michael says that's Stanley's loss, because the rest of them will be "walking through FI-YAAAAH!" Right on cue, a big pile of wood in the background goes up in a giant CGI conflagration. Which would have been handy when Pam had ten minutes to cook 800 hot dogs.
During the commercials, it's gone full dark, because nobody ever has to get home on this show. Michael invites anyone who thinks he or she has the guts to replace him to walk across the hot coals. Pam looks at us and announces, "I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital." She starts to take off her shoes, but Michael won't let her. She's not in the running, after all. Pam pouts, but lets Michael shut her down. He wants Jim to go first. "Nope," Jim chirps. "You do not have what it takes to be a Regional Manager!" Michael booms. "That's harsh," says Jim, semi-seriously. Michael calls up Andy. "Where is Andy? Andy is never here today."
Cut to Andy, who has fetched up against some weeds somewhere, probably on the far side of the lake. A floodlight passes across him. He asks whoever it is for help. After a moment, the light passes on. I don't know why Andy doesn't yell at the camera people more. Not just in this scene, but in general.
Kevin suggests that Michael go first. Michael claims an exemption, recalling his foot-burning experience. "That is not the same at all," says Jim. "If you're gonna ask other people to do it, you should do it yourself." So Michael goes to the end of the coals, kicks off his shoes, and tries to psych himself up for about ten minutes. Everyone counts to three for him, several times, and that doesn't work either. When he finally, tremulously, lifts his foot over the coals, Dwight jumps in to say he'll do it. He vows to stand on the coals until Michael gives him the job. And then he walks out into the middle, to everyone's amazement. And stays there. Everyone stops applauding and yells at him to keep moving. Michael still refuses to give him the job, and Dwight collapses on the coals, until someone reaches in and starts dragging him out by his smoldering collar. Michael THs that being a boss is all about image. "I've never looked like that," he says disgustedly. "That was gross."
As everyone walks away, Michael seems disillusioned with the whole exercise, complaining, "Worst $75 I ever spent." He tells the group that at this point, he's about ready to pick "Mr. Outside Hire." "Or Mrs. Outside Hire," Angela corrects. Michael agrees, condescendingly. But he doesn't want to leave the branch that way, so instead there's going to be a "hundred-point, winner-take-all, sudden-death, tribal council round" to test the contenders' "Bob Hope" factor. There's an exchange with Kelly about who Bob Hope is, in which he is compared with Amanda Bynes. Which probably makes Bob Hope glad to be dead.
Pam, unnoticed by anyone (as usual), is hanging back alone, holding her hand out over the still-glowing coals.
Michael tries to begin the competition. But Jim stands up and, instead of being funny, says that he not only shouldn't be considered as Michael's replacement, but that he's interviewing for the Corporate position himself. Michael is not amused, and deducts sixty points from Voldemort. Please note that a rather singed Dwight is still freaked out at the mention of the name of he-who-must-not-be-named, as if something else is going to happen to him tonight that's worse than being on fire. But now it's his turn. He gets up and begins telling the joke known as "The Aristocrats," as told by someone who has never actually heard it but only read reviews of the movie in family newspapers.
Pam, meanwhile, is totally working herself up to walk on the coals. With one last excited look back at us, she goes ahead and scampers across. It's exhilarating. She feels like she could do anything now. So that's what she's going to do.
Just as Dwight finishes his "joke," Pam comes over and steps into the middle of the circle, because she has something to say. She opens with the news that she just did the coal walk, and says that maybe she should be Michael's boss. "Why didn't any of you come to my art show?" she asks. "I invited all of you. That really sucked. It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist." Nobody says anything. Oscar's probably better off not pointing out that he came. With that topic out of the way, she turns to Jim and unspools the following filibuster: "I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends. And things are just, like, weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before we went to Stamford, and I really miss you. I shouldn't have been with Roy. There were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you. And now you're with someone else. And that's fine." Everyone's just staring at her, no one more so than Jim and Karen. Pam continues: "It's...whatever...Okay, my feet really hurt." Don't, Pam. Keep moving. So she wraps up by saying that she misses having fun with Jim. So now she's going to go walk in the water. "Yeah, it's a good day," she smiles before heading down the beach. In the shocked silence, Michael calls after her, "Pam! That was amazing! But I am still looking for someone with a sales background." Michael Scott: missing the point since 2005.
The tag is the whole cast (sans Toby) happily singing the Flintstones theme, with Michael providing the horn stings and hollering "Wilmaaaa!" at the end. So at least there's one fun memory for everyone for the day.