Hannah's brought her baby into the office and gets kind of pissy with Pam for thinking he's a girl and not a boy whose favorite color is pink. But that's nothing compared to Michael's reaction to the tot, which is to hide under her desk and launch into a Look Who's Talking bit that fortunately clears the area before he can get too far into the "I'm thirsty" part of the routine.
Jim THs that he's seeing Karen, but he wants to keep it on the QT for now, just so as not to affect the way "people" behave around them. Which means he doesn't notice the extremely alert way that Pam watches them when they meet at the copier.
Michael's on the phone with Jan in the conference room, because Kevin and Angela -- also present -- are curious about a rebate check that came in. Jan calmly says that it's for hiring an ex-convict. Michael denies doing any such thing. "Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist." Pam is also in there, all but lip-syncing Jan's annoyed huff heard over the speakerphone. Based on the timing, Jan figures (and approves of the fact) that Josh must have hired the convict in question. "Which one of the new employees is a criminal?" Angela demands. Jan corrects Angela's terminology, and puts them on hold so she can check. And also so our people can have a minute to speculate on who it is. Hannah, with the baby? Andy? Kevin mentions Martin, and Michael calls Kevin a racist. "Because you think he's black," he whispers. Which is strange, because Michael has spent his entire existence assuming he knows everything about Stanley based on Stanley's skin color. Apparently this episode was written by a couple of guys named Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, and what do they know about The Office anyway? And when is Merchant going to make another movie with Ivory already? ["My guess is...uh, not soon." -- Joe R] Jan comes back on the line and says that it is indeed Martin.
And Michael THs about the offensive stereotype. Why couldn't Josh have hired "a white guy who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake?" he wonders. Back in the conference room, with Jan off the phone, Michael desperately speculates about scenarios in which Martin went to prison for something completely innocuous, and instructs everyone to forget about it. Kevin and Pam's super-conditioned hair are on board with the plan. As for Angela? "Let's protect the convicts, at the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a ninety pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally, I agree with that." Good enough for everyone else.
The good thing about Jim not sitting behind Andy anymore is that Andy can't turn around and bug him any more. But he can dial Jim's extension from ten feet away and quietly announce, "I'm so horny." He wants to pick Jim's brain about the chicks in the office. Kelly? Too high-maintenance. Angela? Fun for no one. Pam? Jim turns and gets a blank smile from Pam. "Absolutely you should," Jim whispers into his phone. Anyone who doesn't understand by now what Jim means when he says "absolutely" deserves what they get. Absolutely.
Michael takes Dwight aside, makes him promise to be cool, and tells him about Martin. And then he has to physically prevent Dwight from storming out into the bullpen to make a citizen's arrest. Dwight THs about his concern, making sure to let us know that he's just as color-blind in these matters as Michael is by using the phrase "some kind of halvesie."
Dwight goes to the binder shelf to Martin's desk and makes a big show of looking for something. It's really just a pretext to stick his ass in Martin's face with a bunch of cash sticking out of his back pocket. Martin looks like he's figured out what's going on.
Andy has a sitdown with Jim to ask what Pam's into. Jim THs that he knows what Pam likes (namely, pranks) and what Pam hates (everything Jim now tells Andy about, as though Pam really digs it). Frisbee-based competitions, hunting, ads for Six Flags with the old guy. "Also, do you speak Pig Latin?"
Michael comes over to Martin's desk for what looks like a casual check-in. But it, of course, turns into a big announcement to the whole bullpen to the effect that despite Martin's trouble with the law, anyone who doesn't completely trust Martin -- like Michael does -- "is an ignorant, dumb person." In fact, he's willing to out-trust a black man for any white man someone trusts. He calls on Pam, who trusts her dad. "Danny Glover," Michael raises. Jim tries Jonas Salk, but since Michael doesn't know who that is, Michael gets to beat Justin Timberlake with Colin Powell. Karen's turn: "Jesus." If Michael had any game at all, he'd say Jesus was black, but instead he comes right back with "Apollo Creed." Stanley performs an eye-roll aria.
In an office TH, Michael describes a hypothetical convict he's thinking of who is not a black man, but a white woman. "Surprised? Well, shame on you," he scolds.
In the break room, Martin is suddenly fairly popular. He's offering to tell everyone what he was in for, but Michael says he doesn't have to. Martin says he made a stupid mistake -- specifically, insider trading. Michael could not be happier to hear it, because now he doesn't have to be secretly terrified of Martin any more.
Kevin THs that he had Martin explain his crime three times, "Because it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day."
Martin is telling the folks what prison was like. He says it was boring, but at least they got two hours of outdoors time a day. Kevin loves that, and asks why they don't get outdoors time at the office. Pam repeats the question, causing Michael to start getting nervous. Martin describes his cell as being a little bigger than Michael's office, not that he spent much time in there. He took art classes, which Pam loves, and Ryan likes the idea of the business classes that were taught there too. "Kinda sounds like prison's better than Dunder Mifflin," Pam cracks, which Michael saw coming, not that it helps. "I would so rather be in prison," Kevin says sincerely, and several people are agreeing.
But in a TH, Michael takes a bold stand: Dunder Mifflin is "way better than prison."
Karen's holding Hannah's baby, and telling Creed to get the paper clip chain away from him before he swallows one. "That's okay, I've got tons of them," Creed assures her.
Andy makes his move on "Pam-a-lam-a-ding-dong," as he calls her: "Listen, you're cute. There is no getting around it. So, I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos, maybe even toss a disk around. At-whay o-day ou-yay ink-thay, Am-pay?" And with that, he has taken her breath away, although not in the way he thinks. As Andy leaves Pam to think about it, he tips Jim a wink, which Pam doesn't miss. Jim slowly turns around in his chair, looking at nothing, until he suddenly, naughtily, cuts his eyes at her. You fucker, say hers. But in a TH, she's got one of her biggest smiles ever as she says, "Wow. That was...wow." Is she really at the point where any attention from Jim is good?
Michael comes out of his office, throwing his coat on and happily saying that he's going to do what they want and make work more like prison, starting with an hour of outdoor time. "Let's go!"
Cut to everyone huddled in their coats in the parking lot. He offers to let them "pump iron" with a 2½ pound dumbbell from his trunk. Everyone goes back inside instead.
Later, in the break room, Michael is for some reason trying to get a decent picture on the TV. He tries to tweak Martin about TV in the clink, which Martin says is "bigger than that one." Kevin suppresses a snicker worse than anything has ever been suppressed in the entire history of suppression.. And Michael THs, "This office is the American dream, and they would rather be in the hole."
Jim isn't done with Andy. Can Andy play guitar? Andy says he can play banjo. "But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?" Andy can, and he's off to get his banjo from his car. Playing the banjo is one thing. Driving around with a banjo in the event of a hoedown breaking out is quite another. Karen arrives at Jim's desk, asking what's going on. Jim's happy to tell Karen that he's sending Andy to "all the women in the office" with bad intel. Note the bad intel that Jim just gave Karen, by the way. Karen wants in on Pam, but Jim wants to think of someone else for her to mess with. Of course he does. You don't crap where you eat, after all. Or, more specifically, you don't get back at the girl who rejected you with the girl you're dating in order to distance yourself from the girl who rejected you. Everybody knows that.
Michael has called an all-office meeting, this one about the widespread discussions about prison being better than the office. Because Michael can never let anything just blow over if he can find a way to make it worse. He says that Martin has gotten away with it because none of the rest of them have been to prison. And so Michael introduces them to someone who has: Prison Mike. Prison Mike, is of course, Michael with a purple bandanna knotted on his head and what he thinks is a "street" patois. Angela asks if they're supposed to believe this, and Prison Mike demands, "Do you really expect me to not push you against the wall, beeyotch?" There's a full-room "Whoa" at that. Prison Mike warns them all about being someone's bitch in prison, singling out Ryan as "da belle of da ball" and making kissing noises at him. Jim asks, "Where did you learn all of this?" Which gets Michael to actually break character for a moment and say, "Internet...and prison. 50/50." Jim's question is what Prison Mike did to land in jail. "I stole and I robbed and I kidnapped the president's son and held him for ransom...and I never got caught, neither." Jim remarks that he was in prison, but...mm hmm. Even Michael's fictional characters can't avoid being boastful. Pam asks Prison Mike what the food was like, and he goes on about gruel. "Wow, prison sounds horrible," Andy sucks up. Dwight asks the worst thing about prison. Well, as we all know, the very worst thing is the Dementors. Apparently the line in Michael's head between Alcatraz and Azkaban has become a bit blurred. Like all the rest of the lines in there. Prison Mike wraps things up with a tirade about how great their lives really are. Finally he drops the act (and the bandanna) and asks, "[Prison] doesn't sound so great, does it?" Pam prods that it must have been hard to relive. "Both of you," she says to Michael and Martin. Which is too bad, because that prods Martin to speak up and say that Michael's performance didn't remind him of his time in prison at all. So Michael gives up and leaves the conference room, locking them in. "If you think prison is so wonderful, then enjoy prison!" he yells through the door. As everyone mills behind the door, asking to be let out, Michael angrily and petulantly and bitchily tells us what babies his employees are.
Kevin bangs on the door to get Hannah's attention, but since she's rocking her baby, she just shushes him. I would just like to point out that in my experience, not all women who bring babies to the office are insufferable harpies.
Toby answers his desk phone. "Hey, Pam. Where you calling from?"
Toby comes and finds Michael pacing outside the conference room door, refusing to let them out. Toby says to Michael, "You know they're teasing you." He talks about all the ways Dunder Mifflin is better than prison, none of which Michael thought about on his own. But it gets through to Michael. I love this moment, because this whole crisis struck at the heart of his self-image as the fun boss who runs a fun office, and it's Toby of all people who knows how to give that back to him. Realizing he doesn't want to be the guy who can't take a joke, Michael lets everyone out, congratulating them and sending them home early. "Time off for good behavior!" he crows. Nobody even acknowledges his existence. You know, in an odd way, Michael wouldn't make such a bad Dementor.
Michael THs about the Martin arc: "From new guy from Stamford to the convict to my friend back to a convict. Then to kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest." We see Martin cleaning out his desk and boarding the elevator with his box. "And finally to quitter." Wow, it must be a lot easier for ex-convicts to get jobs than I thought. "And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black," Michael assures us.
Andy sings a falsetto version of "The Ainbow-ray Onnection-cay" to Pam to reception, accompanying himself on banjo. Pam turns to smile at the back of Jim's head, while the front of Jim's head cracks up silently at us. Oh, Jim, you amp-scay.