"The Stamford branch is closing," Jim narrates. We can see that, thanks, with everyone packing up. He points out the construction-paper hats that Andy made, one of which Jim's modeling: they're headbands with tombstone-shaped cutouts on the front reading STAMFORD R.I.P. Dashing. Out in the bullpen, Andy tries to pick Jim's brain about Michael, and Jim says, "You know what, I think you'll just have to meet him." Andy's cool with that, and adds, "Cross me and I will destroy you." Jim takes off for the day, telling Karen he'll see her later. They high-five goodbye, as we all do with our coworkers, if we are professional athletes. Karen watches Jim's ass depart with such admiration that she barely notices Andy rolling past with what looks like Josh's computer.
Toby arrives at the Scranton branch, stopping at reception for a quick chat with Pam. He tells her that he finished the run he was in that weekend. Pam congratulates him. But Dwight, overhearing, mocks Toby for what he thinks isn't such a great accomplishment, claiming to be quite the runner himself. Pam gets her back up on Toby's behalf, and gives Dwight a dangerous look. A poufy-haired Dwight interviews, "I am fast. To give you a reference point, I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther." Dwight may be fast, but he isn't too quick.
Outside, it's looking like Pam has challenged Dwight to a race on Toby's behalf. But it's just her and Dwight out there, with Dwight stretching out in his suit while Pam unconvincingly claims she'll time Toby later and compare the times. While Dwight is still stretching, Pam looks at the small electronic device in her hand and says, "Ready, set, go!" Dwight scampers off before he's ready. Now that Pam's alone with the camera, she wonders if she's being mean. "This isn't even a stopwatch, it's a digital thermometer," she confesses. Given the full-length parka she's rocking, I'm going to estimate Dwight's finishing time as 35.7. She says that Dwight can be a pain sometimes, like the time he tried to install meters on the bathroom door. Dwight just happens to dash by at this point, having completed, and Pam tells him he's got three laps to go. And then she wanders back inside the building. So we can see that although Pam can fuck with Dwight without Jim around, she doesn't enjoy it as much. And the world's twelve Pam/Toby shippers die another small death.
After the credits, Dwight is helping Michael set up desks with nametags for the new people coming from Stamford. Michael THs that "My family is doubling its size," and says he needs to focus on his upcoming performance. Because what's a workplace event if not an excuse for Michael to put on a show? Back in the bullpen, Dwight tells Michael to fire someone -- Tony Gardner, specifically -- before noon to consolidate power. He THs that that's what the Japanese used to do with every batch of new prisoners. Except with killing instead of firing. But how did they pick the prisoner? Dwight wistfully wonders if he missed his calling.
Pam arrives back in the office with two grocery bags of food for the Stamford greeting party, and even Michael's obnoxiousness as he sends her to set it all up in the conference room doesn't bug her. While she's doing that, she tells the camera that she's in a good mood, excited to meet the new people and to have her old friend back. What was his name again?
The first Stamford person, Hannah, arrives, and Michael's got himself dialed up to only about four as he hands her a welcome gift bag (actually a small brown paper sack) and leads her to her new desk. Michael goes up to five when the big guy, Tony Gardner, arrives. Somehow Michael manages not to say anything about Tony's weight, accidentally or otherwise. But he does make Tony grab at the gift bag before he hands it over. Kevin comes over to complain that he didn't get a gift bag. Michael tells Kevin he can buy one later if there are any left over. Hannah assures Kevin that there's not much in there but pencils anyway, and Michael, pretending not to be stung, points out that there are coupons in there too. As he leads Tony off, Kevin asks Hannah for her pencils and gets shot down. Karen is to arrive, and with Michael temporarily occupied, she and Pam almost strike up a friendship right away. But of course that ends when Michael reappears and makes a poor first impression. Let's just say that if the first thing you say to a new boss is, "Are you a robot or a Martian?" then things are not going to get better. As we now see from Michael's comment: "Wow, you're very exotic-looking. Was your dad a GI?" Karen just goes blank, but Pam's looking at Michael in a very disgusted-mom kind of way.
The camera crew meets Andy outside in the parking lot, as he promises to be the number two guy in Scranton in six weeks. "How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like...a carpenter...who makes stairs." See what he didn't do there?
Inside, Andy gets right to demonstrating "personality mirroring" with Michael, instantly becoming fluent in Michael-ese, much to Pam's amusement. And much to Michael's admiration, as he THs how much he likes Andy. "He has got this very likeable way about him."
The two people from Stamford arrive together: Martin Nash and that floppy-haired dude who used to sit in front of Karen. The camera zooms past Pam's big smile (and hair-fixing, as though her hair didn't already look fabulous) to follow Michael as he greets Jim the way he thinks guys greet each other. With that out of the way, he gives Martin his gift bag and leads him off to "where the slaves work," before realizing that maybe that wasn't the smartest thing to say to a black guy. Getting embarrassed about it a second too late only makes it worse of course. That leaves Jim alone with Pam, acting all "I'm new here..." to her before she dashes around from behind reception to give him a big old hug. Jim points out that she missed his joke, and she giddily says, "I know, I don't care." "Place looks really good," Jim says, looking only at her. Shit, where did I put my decoder ring?
But then there's a Jim TH in which he has apparently just been asked where he stands with Pam. He acts like we're idiots for even asking, saying that he and Pam are friends and always have been. Ooookay. Do you think when the camera people first came to Dunder Mifflin, they claimed that all this footage would only ever be shown in a parallel universe?
As Jim drapes the strap of his man-purse over his old chair, Dwight comes up, and he's in no mood to be fucked with: "Fact: I am older, I am wiser. Do not mess with me." Aw, poor Jim. He can't just let that stand, but there's no way he has anything prepared. But then he just freaks Dwight out by staring fixedly at his forehead. He makes it look so easy. But then, so does Dwight.
Then Ryan comes in, just as Jim is draping his suit jacket over the chair. They greet each other boisterously, but the temperature drops ten degrees as Ryan flops his briefcase on the desk. Jim backs down, and takes the desk that's going to have his back to Pam all the time. Which Pam doesn't seem to appreciate, not that she says anything. Ryan THs, "Yeah, Jim is a nice guy. That's why I got the desk." In what world is the most desirable desk in the office the one in which your boss can see your computer monitor without even getting out of his chair?
AWOL from the DVD: the scenes with Kevin and the shredder. Should have ponied up, Staples.
Dwight sits at his own desk, glaring into Michael's office as Andy does some more personality mirroring. As Andy comes out, Dwight introduces himself to his new rival as "Assistant Regional Manager." Without missing a beat, Andy introduces himself as "Regional Director in Charge of Sales." There's a little pissing contest about who's reporting to whom. How will it end? Well, since neither of them is breaking the handshake, it's going to be tough for either of them to zip up.
Jim goes back to say hi to Toby, and their happiness at seeing each other kind of gets weird when Toby goes for a fist-bump. Instead there is a handshake, and awkwardness, and a very short reunion.
Michael's rehearsing for his orientation when Dwight bursts in, demanding to know whether he or Andy is higher in rank, or in pay scale. Michael refuses to answer either question. "Your pay is just different," he claims.
In the break room, Jim gets a much more exuberant greeting from Kelly than he did from Pam. She gushes at him about the TomKat and Brangelina babies, like there aren't supermarkets in Stamford (Maybe there aren't. Never been there. Don't know.) "What's new with you?" Jim asks. Kelly: "I just told you."
Michael invites everyone into the conference room in his typical pre-performance flop-sweat fashion, for "The official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast." I think that needs more words. As everyone files in around the conference table with a spread so sad that the current employees aren't allowed to touch it, Toby tries to give Michael some orientation binders. "This is an orientation, not a bore-ientation," Michael zingers. Every once in a while, he gets off a good one. Sitting to Pam at the table, Jim makes a comment she returns. And sitting behind Jim, Karen passes Jim a stick of gum. So there's more than one pissing contest going on here today. Michael introduces the Scranton orientation video, the famous "Lazy Scranton." If you haven't seen it, I don't know how I'm going to help you, but if you can imagine the SNL short "Lazy Sunday" as adapted by two even whiter guys (namely Michael and Dwight) with even less rhythm and the words changed to talk about Scranton, you're pretty much there. Jim stares open-mouthed at the monitor, Karen's gum clearly visible floating around in there. Andy nods appreciatively to the beat, much to Jim's amazement. Jim THs, "It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed me on my first day: "The Scranton Witch Project." Which we even get to see a snippet of, as Michael sweatily whines in extreme close-up in a darkened break room, "I am so scared when people don't label their personal food." Back to "Lazy Scranton," as Michael comes out into the bullpen to tell us, "I thought it would either be an A or an A-plus. But I forgot that there is an A-Plus-Plus." Ooh, I forgot that too. And I just decided on the episode grade. I can do that, right, Wing? ["I don't know this 'Wing.' F-minus for you! The real answer is, um...no. We don't have A++ in the system. The second plus is silent!" -- Miss Alli]
Karen is trying to record her new outgoing voice mail greeting, and can't get Jim to go away until she agrees to do one in an Italian accent. Fortunately, that works. Sometimes the only difference between Michael and Jim is desperation.
Dwight returns to his desk, and the pissing contest with Andy continues. Andy tries to be all cool, patting Dwight on the shoulder. Dwight of course flinches like a skittish lemur. So Andy makes him do it again. Andy THs, "The angrier he gets, the more marginalized he becomes. Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there, layin' on the charm."
And we see that the personality mirroring is not limited to Michael, as Andy (all set up in Oscar's seat, because its current occupant is on his extended gay-cation) shows off his new cowboy kitty-cat screensaver to Angela and compliments her smile. Angela's not smiling. That's the joke.
Pam finds Jim in the break room, and after some banter about his switch to water from grape soda, there's an awkward moment where Pam asks Jim out for coffee after work. He begs off, claiming he's not moved in yet. And then it gets even more awkward when Michael comes in and acts like he found them naked. After he exits, Jim heads back to work, and Pam follows, but not before taking a moment to cringe. She THs that things are going fine. Pam Beesly: back to Not Fooling Anyone.
Ryan turns in his chair and notices that Hannah is using a noisy breast pump at her desk. "Take a picture, it'll last longer," she snaps at him. Ryan apologizes that it's a little distracting. "Ditto that, my brother," leers Creed from right to Hannah. You know, my office has a Mother's Room right near my desk. I'd probably get in trouble if I tried to nap in it.
Martin tips Stanley a little fist-pump. Stanley tips Martin a "whatever" eye-roll. The Scranton chapter of the Black Panthers will have to wait.
Hannah complains to Michael about Creed's new wallpaper, which Michael at first thinks is a squid eye. It's...not. "Right place at the right time," Creed gloats.
Karen is noticing a weird smell. Phyllis, sitting right to her, offers to help her find it, but a soon as she moves closer, Karen solves the mystery: Phyllis be stinky. Karen's nice about it, but Phyllis takes extreme umbrage. "Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine." Karen asks who Bob Vance is, and is told, "You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie."
Stanley doesn't exactly take Karen's side as he THs, "I've sat downwind of Phyllis stinky perfume for years. Never said a word." As we see more examples of the new people and the old people getting on each other's nerves, Michael looks forward to the "integration celebration," in which everyone will be "united in applause." I think he's actually envisioning the upcoming event as something like the Dundies, but with applause.
Back in the conference room, Michael is claiming that the day was more like a party than a day at work, which is an excuse for him to change into a purple suit jacket, name-check A Night At The Roxbury, and hit the play button on a boom box. Which doesn't work. Fortunately, Andy is there to start humming the "What Is Love?" song, and joining in on the reenactment of a skit that was last amusing when Jim Carrey was in it. When he was on SNL promoting The Cable Guy. Just saying. They do the sandwich-dance with poor Tony, who either plays along or actually hates it. "Very funny, Michael!" Dwight applauds desperately into the dead silence.
Later, Michael has all the Stamford people save Tony (and Jim) sitting in chairs on a table to demonstrate some poorly thought-out concept. He tries to get Tony to join them. Tony doesn't want to, because it looks like a physical hardship for him. But Michael talks him into trying, and drafts Dwight into helping lift. After some shouting and Michael dropping words like "hock" and "crack," Tony calls a halt to the whole exercise, and quits on the spot. Michael asks if it's because of Toby. Tony says it's Michael's management style. Michael is confused and hurt, but when Tony asks if "Lazy Scranton" was supposed to be funny, Michael gets outright pissed, and fires Tony right there, telling him to clean out his desk. "There's nothing in my desk except coupons," Tony says. Michael says it's too late to apologize. Dwight takes credit for the advice, and points out that Andy hasn't given any advice that Michael's acted on today. "Fire Andy," he whispers. From up on the table, Andy looks on, defeated.
Andy THs that Dwight has won this battle, but he, Andy, will win the......battle.
And the meeting breaks up spontaneously. As Hannah leaves the room, she calls the environment dysfunctional. "Maybe that's because people treat it like their own Hooter's strip club," Angela snipes. Michael steps up with a word of defense, pointing out that Hooters is not a strip club, but a restaurant. "With over 400 locations nationwide," he grins at the camera. Michael frustratedly THs that the word "merger" comes from "marriage," but this has turned into like when his mom moved in with Jeff. "And once again it's my job to fix it," he grumbles.
Michael rushes into the bullpen, telling everyone that the guys from Vance Refrigeration let the air out of all their tires. "They punk'd us! They punk'd us good!" Dwight is the first to follow Michael back out the door, as everyone else follows at a more sedate (and less fooled) pace. As Karen heads out with Jim, she asks him, "Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?" "Does he ever," Jim asks. Notice how that little exchange didn't include Pam at all? Pam sure did.
Outside, everyone is discovering that yeah, their tires are flat. Michael says that in revenge, they all need to get together and steal Vance's refrigerators. Martin asks why Michael's car doesn't have a flat tire. Michael claims that he got it the worst, and reads the note he "found" under his windshield wiper: "You guys suck! You can never pull together and revenge us. That is why you suck!" Well, that certainly doesn't sound like the words of Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration. Anyway, game over. Everyone starts to head back in, disgustedly. And Pam notices that Karen is rubbing Jim's back as they go back in together. Pam's face goes slack, and you can practically hear her stomach splatting onto the parking lot. Ouch.
Back inside, Stanley, Phyllis, Ryan, Martin, Hannah, and Karen are standing around, finally getting along now that they can all complain about Michael. Karen's wondering how they'll get home. Phyllis says that Bob Vance has an air pump. "Bob Vance from Vance Refrigeration?" Karen says, and just like that, she's friends with Phyllis now. From inside his office, Michael is surprisingly sanguine about being on everybody's bad side. He says that they're just like fourth-graders united in hating the lunch lady, and gloats that "by fourth grade, the lunch lady was the person I hung out with the most." Michael's desk phone rings, and it's Jan, pissed that he fired Tony and now they have to pay Tony severance. Michael blames it on Dwight. "Bad advice from my number two," he says. Jan "reminds" Michael that Jim is his number two, and Michael has to pretend that yeah, he knew that. "I do read the memos," he lies.
So then Jim and Andy and Dwight are in Michael's office as he announces that after much "introspective-tion," he has decided to make Jim his number two. Dwight asks who's number three, and of course. Michael hasn't decided. Andy sucks up. Michael thanks Andy. Dwight sucks up. Michael calls Dwight a suck-up. Can Jim go now?
That evening, Jim is in the parking lot, on his way out. He gets a cell phone call from Karen, who asks Jim to meet her for a much-needed drink. He promises to be there and then hangs up, because Pam is walking by, He calls out to her, and there's some extreme awkwardness as Jim says that he's seeing someone. If he's expecting Pam to act devastated, he's disappointed. Okay, let me amend that: Jim is disappointed. After all, Pam has had all afternoon to get used to the idea, so her lack of surprise now is real. And it helps her pretend to be cool with it. "Good to have you back," Pam says as a brusque goodbye as Jim returns to his car.
The tag is more Andy and Dwight pissing, with the two of them mocking each other in the elevator over their automobiles (XTerra and Trans Am, respectively). This devolves into more fourth-grade putdowns and increasingly lengthy cough-insults that leave Dwight smugly victorious, if rather sore-throated.