Go tell Aunt Rhody -- Dwight joyfully rolls into the DM-Scranton office bearing a very large, very dead goose, which he plops onto the reception desk, much to Pam's dismay. Apparently, he ran over it on the way to work, and he's all excited about cooking it up as a treat for the office. "It's a Christmas miracle!" he grins. Thanks for getting that out of the way early. Jim comes up to make a few mocking comments that go right over Dwight's head, because Dwight's on his way to get his carving knife. But Toby arrives, takes in the scene, and moans, "Aw, Dwight, we talked about this." "This is different," Dwight protests. "He's already dead." It's much funnier when they just let you imagine the back story rather than going out of their way to explain it to you, so I'm going to pretend that's what happens here. Dwight explains to the growing crowd about the tastiness of the meat and the utility of the goose-grease. Phyllis likes goose and asks if it's crazy to eat it. Creed says it's crazy. I can't decide if that makes it more or less crazy. Toby again tells Dwight the bird's got to go, but Dwight begs Toby until Toby finally agrees, on the condition that Dwight cleans it in his car. I'm sure Dwight would much rather clean it in Andy's car, but he'll take what he can get.
Michael makes a big show out of riding a ten-speed bike out of the elevator into the office, only bumping into something and cursing once the whole way. He wants to make sure everyone sees him put the bike to the toy drive barrel, which they do, but I don't think he wants Jim and Kevin figure out that it's Michael's old bike. At least not as quickly as they do. Pam hands Michael a big gift bag from Corporate, and he's happy to not only receive a special gift, but also hear that not everybody got one. Makes it that much more special, you know.
We then see Michael in his office, wearing the gift: a new, brown, plush bathrobe with the Dunder Mifflin logo stitched on the breast. Retail value: $65. Hell, yes, I looked it up. He THs about how Carol is coming to the office Christmas party and he's got a surprise for her: "Two tickets to paradise," complete with an annoying imitation Eddie Money performance and an only slightly less annoying product placement for Sandals. He talks about the free drinks. Michael really does not get what "all-inclusive" means.
Creed comes in, snagging a toy from the bin. Jim explains how it's actually supposed to work, and Creed heartily brogues, "And a happy holiday to you," as he blows right past him with the toy still in hand. Good choice of number two, there, Jan. Carol comes in, looking for Michael. And she doesn't appear to be in a good mood, not that Michael notices this when he comes out and calls her a "blonde" for being five hours early to the party. He introduces her to the bullpen, adding, "This is just the front of her" and trying to get her to turn around. They're having a whispered argument about that when Andy smoothly says that Carol's even prettier than Michael described. "I don't think there's anything wrong with the way you described her," Dwight one-ups. Carol just wants a minute alone with Michael. Michael completely misinterprets what she means by that.
In his office, Carol holds up a Christmas card that shows her, her two kids, and Michael on a ski trip together. Which is odd, because Michael wasn't on that trip; Carol's ex-husband was. Jim THs, "It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. Is 'bold' the right word?" Back to Michael's office, where Carol is dumping him. Between this and the proposal, it's all just too weird for her. Michael desperately shows her the Sandals tickets, which emphatically do not succeed in changing her mind. "If you walk out that door, it is over," Michael threatens like he's seen on TV. And with that, she's gone.
Pam subtly summons Jim over to reception and whispers that she has to give him his Christmas gift now. It seems that she's been sending Dwight letters from the CIA for the past month. She hands over a folder (hand-lettered CLASSIFIED) containing Dwight's application, including a list of all the secrets Dwight said he'd never tell. So how is this a gift for Jim? Well, he gets to decide what the top-secret mission is, of course. And Jim says he shouldn't be doing this stuff any more, given his promotion and all. Pam takes the rejection pretty well -- better than she should, I'd say -- and accepts the folder back. Jim explains in a TH: "If I fall back into the same kind of things I used to do, then what am I doing?" Jim, as long as you stubbornly insist on doing things that aren't Pam, nobody cares.
Michael comes moping out of his office, announcing that Christmas is cancelled. Stanley says he can't do that. "Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley!" Michael orders in a voice choked with tears. Jim gives the camera a "righty-o!" nod. Pam asks what's going on, and everyone watches silently as Michael gathers the strength to say that he and Carol split up. "Will they still air Rudolph?" Jim wonders. A wave of protests convinces Michael to let them go ahead with the party, but no guests are allowed. When Phyllis protests, Michael tells her that all of her guests would have cancelled anyway, "Leaving your life a stupid, rotten mess." Projection goes well with that bathrobe.
A bit later, we're at the part of the crisis where Pam has to give Michael therapy. She's doing her best to ignore the groans that sound awfully close to her, given how far Michael's office door is. But as the camera pulls away it reveals that he's lying on the floor behind her desk, with just his legs sticking out. He asks Pam how she chased the bad thoughts away after her breakup with Roy. What bad thoughts would those be, Pam really should know better than to ask. Michael sobs, "like, maybe the real reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed that were wrong and scary." And now Pam has new bad thoughts to chase away. Dwight comes up to say they're one bathrobe short. "Take it from Toby," Michael manages. As he ages, the last of his faculties to disappear will be his sense of humor, his physical agility, his ability to eat solid food, his control over his bowels, his respiration, and finally his ability to shit on Toby. After Dwight leaves, Michael asks Pam to go to Sandals with him. She declines. Even if he rides in the back?
Toby's just admiring his new robe when Dwight comes and scoops it up without a word. "Why?" Toby whines at Dwight's retreating back.
Party planning meeting. Angela tasks Phyllis with getting green streamers. "I thought you said green was whore-ish." Angela updates Phyllis: with regard to whore-ish-osity, orange is the new green. Karen gulps at Phyllis's orange-and-black top and floats a few ideas to make the Stamford people (all three who remain) feel welcome: raffles, karaoke, and a Christmas drinking game. Angela not only shoots all the ideas down, but kicks Karen off the party planning committee. Karen looks around the table for support, but no one wants to tangle with Angela. Not even Pam. She doesn't meet Karen's eyes, but she's feeling bad about it.
Michael sits in his office listening to sad music on his computer when Dwight comes in with a take-charge attitude, resolving to throw away everything that reminds him of Carol and slamming the door in Andy's face. Dwight's little plan runs into a snag when he finds Michael's closing papers on his condo and is mightily impressed by the evidence of Carol's brilliance contained therein. And we get to be impressed by Michaels weepy-faces as he restarts the thirty-second sample of the song he's listening to online.
Pam sits at reception, staring guiltily at Karen. As she THs that she's been cold to Karen, we see her getting up to approach her. They bond over what a nut Angela can be, and start talking more about Karen's party ideas. In the background, Jim looks nervous.
Toby says hi to Kevin in the break room, with a lingering pat on Kevin's robe-draped shoulder. He leaves, and Kevin gives us a nervous look. If Pam put on her robe, you think maybe Toby would actually make a move?
Angela and Phyllis put up the party planning committee's Nutcracker Christmas sign on the section of wall between the doors to Michael's office and the conference room, below the Chamber of Commerce plaque. And then Pam and Karen put their own sign, from "the Committee to Plan Parties," inviting everyone to a "Margarita-Karaoke Christmas." Above the plaque, naturally. Angela objects to the very existence of the committee, pointing out that they need funding. After finding out that Angela's budget is $200, Karen says theirs is $201. Kelly comes up, excited about the idea of the other party, and Angela says there's only one party and it's hers. "Then why are there two flyers?" asks Kevin. Karen explains: "There's a party that starts at 3:00, and there's a way more fun party that starts at 2:45." Pam tells him to check their more brightly colored flyer, which Angela rips down before storming off. Pam giggles as Karen rips down Angela's sign. "I didn't see where it was," mourns Kevin.
Jim has been watching this all along from his desk. "Looks like the Scranton people and the Stamford people are finally coming together," he THs. And that's what you want, right?" Which would explain the naked panic in his eyes.
Angela has clearly tattle to Dwight, because he charges up to reception, trying to shut down Pam and Karen as ranking number three. This doesn't go well, first because Andy insists he's number three, and secondly because Jim pulls rank as number two for the very first time. Because as nervous as this blossoming Pam/Karen alliance is making him, it's not bad enough that he's going to let Dwight act like an asshole to them. Using Kafka-esque authoritarian language against which Dwight has no defense, he overrules Dwight.
Andy comes into Michael's office and tells him he's taking him to lunch at Benihana. Michael desultorily changes into his coat and rounds up his "entourage:" "Jim, Dwight, Ryan, come on. We're going to Asian Hooters." As Dwight hops up, Ryan rattles off five reasons he can't go, all without taking a breath. Jim reluctantly follows them out, sarcastically thanking Ryan for taking all the excuses. Ryan rattles off another half dozen, holding up his PDA/excuse storage device and saying, "Look alive, Halpert. Welcome back." That actually gets a smile from Jim.
Michael has a weeping-head rant about bros before hos. And why? Because "one day, she ain't yo' ho no mo'." Isn't that Santa's line?
As Michael and the guys arrive at Benihana (fact: Scranton does not have a Benihana), Andy arranges things so that Michael is sitting at the head of the table with Andy at his side, and Dwight is left out in the cold. Not that I see Jim giving up the seat on the other side of Andy. But then, on the other side of Jim, a couple sits down, leaving Dwight even more isolated as he has to go sit on the other side of them, at the far end of the table.. Michael and Andy are trying to have a guy conversation, which is made even more difficult by Dwight, yelling at them from a distance to talk louder. Michael is about to call Carol, but Andy cuts that off by calling a waitress over and ordering "Nog-a-sakes." Which is more horrifying: the fact that it's pronounced "Nagasaki," or the recipe of one part eggnog, three parts sake? It would be four parts vomit, if I tried to drink one.
Pam and Karen are setting up the margarita machine in the break room. Phyllis is in there too, and things get ugly when Angela busts her making a suggestion. She firmly reels Phyllis back into the fold, and let's hope Karen and Pam can mix margaritas better than I mix metaphors.
TH Kevin says he's going to Angela's party because that's the one he knows. Ryan misses the days when there was only one party he didn't want to go to.
Later, Roy is picking Pam's brain about present-wrapping protocol. Things are going fine until Karen comes in, and Roy leaves with some things clearly unsaid. Karen suggests that Pam should date Roy. "Actually...Uh, yeah, maybe." Pam says. Which, I don't think she's being cold there. I don't think she and Karen are at the stage in their friendship yet where she can say, "Actually, we were engaged, and then Jim kissed me, and I shot him down, which was why he moved to Stamford and met you, while I dumped Roy because I realized I was really in love with Jim. Where are the raffle tickets?"
Dwight tries to draw the Benihana tableside chef into a conversation about knives, which the lady sitting to him shuts down. Gotta take Dwight's side there, because it's not like refusing to scootch over a seat so a group can sit together wasn't already kind of rude. At the other end of the table, Michael downs what is clearly not his first Nog-a-sake as Andy asks the waitress, Cindy, whether she would break Michael's heart. She says something noncommittal, and Michael says he bets she breaks up with a guy every hour. Cindy pity-chuckles and leaves, which Andy thinks means they're in. And Michael finally smiles as the chef does something really cool with an onion.
Back at the office, Pam and Karen start to announce that their party is starting. Angela cuts in, stalling with a non-announcement about everyone's paychecks before ducking into the hall and calling Dwight to ask for the green light on the party. Dwight can't get Michael's attention, so he tells Angela to go ahead. She runs back in and says her party is starting now, and she opens the door to the conference room. Pam throws open the door to the break room. Nobody moves. Finally Stanley gets up, takes a long pause, and...commercials.
He's still there when we come back, and he goes into Pam and Karen's party. Kelly drags Ryan in there with her as well. Hannah goes into Angela's party, so the sourpusses can be together at least. Meredith heads to the break room, Angela's threat-vitation having no chance against Pam and Karen's vodka. Kevin is back on the fence, since Angela's party will have double fudge brownies, but it will also have Angela. Kevin picks the party he knows. The hostesses enter their respective parties with cold looks at each other. Karen and Pam have a joint TH where Karen heatedly answers the question of whether they're taking things too far by saying. they're not taking it far enough. Pam looks at her. "I got goose bumps," she says. Excellent. Now make out. Angela in turn, says she doesn't back down, as proven by her 16-year estrangement from her sister over something she doesn't even remember. "So yeah, I'm pretty good," she gloats.
Benihana. An increasingly drunk Michael is having a good time, even getting up to steal some steak from the plate of the guy sitting to Jim. "It's family style!" he says. "No, it's not," Jim says. Andy calls Cindy the waitress over and tells her to close her eyes and imagine her dream house. From the far end of the table, Dwight yells out to Jim to ask what's going on. Jim tells Dwight that Cindy's asleep. Then she opens her eyes and starts describing her house to Andy. Jim gives Dwight an update: "She's trying to describe how to correctly butcher a goose, but she's having trouble coming up with it." Dwight is only too happy to loudly describe it for Cindy, and everyone else at the table, in gory, bloody, feathery detail. Jim THs that this is totally different from what Pam was going to have him do. "This is more like a ...um...okay, it's pretty much the same thing." Except this got some on everybody.
Nothing's happening at Angela's party besides The Nutcracker playing and Kevin raiding the baked goods table. Meanwhile, Stanley and Kelly enjoy 'gritas, while Meredith sticks with the straight vodka. But it turns out that the karaoke machine doesn't have a power cord. Darryl to the rescue, as he heads off to get his synthesizer. On his way through the bullpen, he sees Phyllis hovering sadly in the conference room doorway. He invites her over when she's done with her "meeting." Angela gives Hannah a hard time over the nutcrackers which don't actually crack nuts, and Kevin a hard time over taking seconds. Phyllis tries to draw Ryan into a conversation when he comes back for his jacket. It doesn't work.
At Benihana, Michael and Andy have decided to invite Cindy and another attractive waitress back to the office Christmas party. Cut to Michael and his entourage returning to the office with his arm around one waitress and Andy's arm around another, hollering that he wants everyone to meet his new girlfriend. Those are totally two different waitresses.
After the ads, Michael shows off the bike he gave to the toy drive, then gives it to his date instead. She says she wants to give him something in return, by which she means whisper in his ear. "That's what she said," Michael snorts. He's back!
Michael and Andy bring their dates into Angela's party. She asks them where Dwight is. "Is he the hot one or the giant baby?" asks Michael's date. Michael whispers answers that Dwight is the giant baby. He does not add that Jim is also sometimes a giant baby, despite being hot. Michael apologizes for the lameness of Angela's party, and herds everyone across the office as soon as Phyllis tells him about the break room party. Angela yells at "waitress lady" for snagging one of the miniature nutcracker party favors: "I don't walk into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack." "Ssssssssssshut it!" Michael hisses at her, and they're gone. And here's Dwight, half-drunk and grinning at Angela, who turns her green-streaked ponytail on him and slams the conference room door in his face.
Break room party. Kevin's singing "You Oughtta Know" while Michael chats up his date. He turns to grab a snack, and when he turns back, he fails to notice that he's now talking to Andy's date, who has no idea what Michael is talking about. Awkward. Kevin gives his song a big, angry finish. Whoa, Kevin's got some shit pent up in there.
Angela's party, which is more like a wake. "Did you have fun at Benihana's?" she asks. Dwight says no. They hold hands over their respective bad days. Then Pam and Karen come in, all excited over Dwight having won the raffle. They're not as excited as Dwight, though. Pam, realizing this is getting a little too mean, pulls Karen aside. After what I assume is Pam's highly discreet explanation to Karen about Dwight and Angela, they joint-TH that they're disbanding. Then they return to the conference room and invite Angela to merge the parties. After learning that the karaoke machine has Christmas songs but no power cord, Angela "finds" the cord in the potted plant outside the door.
Somehow the "more fun" party -- which has now moved into the bullpen -- now has Michael and Andy singing "Your Body Is a Wonderland" to Andy's date in a completely creepy way. Did you know John Mayer gave the show the rights to that song in exchange for a Dundie? Suddenly Michael's date rides up to Andy's date on his old bike, and Michael realizes that he doesn't know which one he's supposed to be singing to. You think Jim doesn't notice that? Wrong.
Kelly sings "We Belong" by Pat Benatar to Ryan, who pounds 'gritas like his throat is on fire. Meanwhile, Michael points out his date -- who's still standing to Andy's date -- to Kevin and Roy. "Which one is she?" Michael has no idea. "You know how all...waitresses look alike." Then he THs, "Are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesn't love his wife just because he isn't sure what she looks like?"
Michael goes and finds both waitresses in the break room, talking to Ryan, and makes a big show of pretending to look for his girlfriend in the cabinets and stuff. Finally one of them speaks up, and as Michael hugs her, he secretly marks her arm with a Sharpie. Problem solved!
It's Creed's turn at the karaoke machine, singing an old Grass Roots song, as chance would have it. He sounds great, as does the forty-year-old recording of his voice that he's singing along with. Dude's a walking time warp. Meanwhile, Pam goes and finds a moping Toby and gives him her robe. Suddenly it's Toby's best Christmas ever. It gets even better if you imagine Pam telling him this: "I thought you should have this, since I never wear bathrobes. I just go from the bed to the shower buck naked, and then back again. Back and forth, back and forth. All weekend long. Sometimes jogging. It's ridiculous, you should see it." From there we go to Dwight and Angela testing his new walkie-talkies, using the codenames "Monkey" and "Possum." Guess which is which. Karen and Jim open their gifts to each other -- the same Bridget Jones movie -- and then hug happily. Pam wasn't looking. No, she's on the phone. Not looking.
The waitresses are leaving. Trying to get them to stay, Michael asks his date to go to Sandals with him. "Nah, I have school," she demurs, and wheels his bike out of there.
Dwight belts out "Lady" by Styx, much to Angela's admiration. Out by reception, Jim sits down to a sulking Michael. "That waitress was the one," Michael says. "No, she wasn't," Jim says. He teases Michael a bit, then apologizes when Michael tells him to stop it. But then Michael starts laughing at himself, admitting that he marked her arm. The laugh they share over that is probably the best one of the whole episode. Jim tells him that he just had a rebound, which can be fun. "But when it's over," Jim says, "you're left thinking about the girl you really like. The one that broke your heart." Funny, the projection looks better on Michael.
Michael THs inanely about rebounds. "As my ex-girlfriend might say, 'domo arigato, Mr. Scott-o.'"
Angela sings "The Little Drummer Boy" with Dwight acting as both her microphone stand and beatbox. Leaning against his desk to Ryan, Jim glances over to see Pam and Roy sharing gifts and a hug in the conference room. He looks sad. Meanwhile, Michael is on the phone with someone, asking him or her to go to Sandals with him. And he actually gets a yes. Back out in the bullpen, there are two new arrivals: Oscar and Gil. Oscar takes in the scene, mutters, "Too soon," and heads right back out again unnoticed. The final tableau is Angela happily singing, with Dwight "bum-ba-bumming" at her feet, and Michael still on his phone in the background, seen through the blinds of his office.
The tag is a time for goodbyes. On his way past reception, Jim tells Pam that as it turns out, Dwight has in fact been summoned to CIA headquarters in Langley for training and an ice cream social with the other agents. Pam smiles happily at the realization that Jim loves her a little after all, then gets online to get Dwight a bus ticket. Alas, that would cost $75. "Well, maybe the CIA could send a helicopter," Jim suggests.
And the last we see of Dwight is him waiting impatiently on the roof. Then his phone vibrates with a text, which he reads out loud (some secret agent): "You have been compromised. Abort mission. Destroy phone." Dwight looks around and demonstrates that he's got a pretty good arm on him before running out of the shot at full speed. Let's hope he takes the stairs.