One of my favorite Jim vs. Dwight gags ever: he's in early at the Stamford office, once again using some stationery he stole from Dwight to send Dwight a fax. "From himself," Jim explains. "From the future." This morning, FutureDwight's message to PresentDwight is that someone poisons the coffee this morning. PresentDwight is still absorbing this when he sees Stanley exit the break room, about to enjoy a hot cup of joe. So PresentDwight dashes over, howling, "Noooo!" and knocks the cup out of Stanley's hand. "You'll thank me later," he assures Stanley, who doesn't seem convinced. Maybe Dwight should send Stanley a fax from FutureStanley.
Jan enters Michael's office and sits through even less of his grating greetings than she usually does, because she's breaking the news that the Scranton branch is closing. Pull the other one, Jan. We might have believed that earlier in the show's run, but not now. But Jan continues the pretense, saying that some people will be transferred to Stamford, and the rest will be getting severance packages, i.e. fired. Michael, who is going Kübler-Ross right before our eyes, asks which group he falls into. Jan says final decisions haven't been made, but Michael's getting severance. So Michael was a no-brainer, in other words. He starts wailing, loudly enough for people out in the bullpen to notice despite his closed office door. Kevin comes up to reception, trying to be the first to know anything from Pam by bonding geekily with her. Pam humors him, not very convincingly. Which is not to say that Kevin is not convinced. Back in Michael's office, he's losing it, and Jan isn't helping by saying that it's not about Scranton's numbers, but about talent. By whom she means Josh, giving Michael a new reason to hate Jim's current boss. As she gets up to leave, she says this has to stay on the QT until it's all finalized. She asks Michael to use discretion, as if he had one. Fighting tears, Michael begs Jan not to punish him for his personal transgressions against her, because somehow he thinks this is Jan's retribution for their abortive affair, which clearly hasn't even occurred to her (or so she wants us to think). Jan doesn't bother dignifying that with a response as she heads out, drawing a lot of curious looks from the folks in the bullpen.
As Michael THs about the specialness of his people (while Kevin plays with a mini football, Creed eats his mung beans, Phyllis knits at her desk, and Stanley does his crosswords), he hangs in the doorway, staring sadly out at everyone. They seem to have lost interest in his office since Jan's departure. So then he exercises discretion by going out into the bullpen and getting all maudlin. Dwight asks him what's up, and Michael tells him, "Just do your work...while you still can." And with that, Michael returns to his doorway while Dwight THs about how he can read Michael's moods like a book. Which in Michael's case is "Something Weird Is Going On. Colon. What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute." Man, it's really hard to make fun of non-fiction book titles these days, isn't it?
In Stamford, Karen is the one to tell Jim about the Scranton branch closing. Jim's kind of sorry to hear it. Overhearing, Andy turns around and gloats noisily at Jim like the Patriots just beat the Eagles or something.
Michael acts weird in front of Pam's desk, until she asks what Jan said. She seems satisfied with Michael's non-answer that Jan was just checking in, until Michael "whispers" "to himself," "What difference does it make? We'll all be gone in a few weeks anyway." Pam starts asking questions a little more urgently, and then Dwight joins in. "Was she mean to you?" he demands protectively. So Michael cracks. But before he does, he THs from his office, "All I can do right now is go out there and put on a brave face and be their leader." Back to the bullpen, where he announces, "It's over. We are screwed. Dunder Mifflin Scranton is being shut down." Everyone seems shocked. The first person to say anything is Toby, appearing out of nowhere to say they shouldn't be talking about it yet. Yes, it seems Jan stopped by to notify Toby right before telling Michael. Which is why Jan is (was) the boss; she knows (knew) that if you light Michael's fuse, you need to get out of there right away and you can't waste time checking in with the local HR guy. Michael sees it differently, calling Toby a traitor. While everyone else is looking to Michael for leadership, all he does is try not to cry. Steve Carell really does display an impressive range of "fighting tears" expressions in this episode. Finally he calls Toby into his office. Toby shambles after him like a doomed man, apparently forgetting that if Michael could do anything to him, he would have done it years ago. Dwight closes the door behind them and gives the camera his best bouncer glare.
Ryan THs that of course this happens today, because he just got a thousand business cards. Angela doesn't want to point fingers; she thinks everyone's to blame. A mascara-streaked Kelly weeps that she'll kill herself if Ryan is laid off. "Like Romeo and Juliet. The Claire Danes one," she clarifies. Color me impressed with Kelly for being aware of any other ones.
In Stamford, Josh comes out of his office as Andy leads everyone but Jim in a "Stamford, Connecticut" cheer. Jim super-casually asks if anyone from Scranton is being transferred to Stamford, and Josh doesn't have any answers yet. He says the same thing to the rest of the staff, and Andy leads a Josh cheer. Jim THs that having the Scranton crew show up would be like going to your high-school reunion and they all say they're moving in with you. Forever. Which is why I'm looking forward to skipping mine year.
Meredith comes and finds Michael staring out his window. She's there to remind him that six years ago, they agreed to sleep together on their last day of work. Michael denies that it was him, more expressively than necessary, and Meredith buys it. "Day just gets worse and worse," Michael mutters after she's gone.
Pam is seeing the bright side. "In my fantasy, I always thought I would slap someone, make a big speech, and storm out forever. But this is good too." Yes, her big speech is a dozen or so episodes away at this point.
Roy is just getting the news of the branch closing from Kevin and Angela, the latter of whom assures Roy he'll be fine. "You're very strong and capable," she flirts, maybe remembering his round of Who Would You Do" a lot better than he does. Kevin's snickering drives her away, and Roy THs that working there without Pam would be like "loading trucks without any meaning."
Stanley is thrilled. He's already packing up his desk, planning to take his severance and retire. "I really couldn't be happier," THs some guy who would look a lot like Stanley if he weren't smiling so much. Creed, meanwhile, is up to something with his digital camera and the internet. Nostalgically documenting his soon-to-be-former workplace for his Flickr page?
Michael goes down to the warehouse to commiserate with the loading crew, but that goes south when he learns that Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration bought out the warehouse. "So we're good," Darryl says. Michael pretends (badly) to be pleased, but from his office, he rants about how much it offends him that the CFO is giving his house to Josh, who in turn is taking his house and giving it to Bob Vance. I'm not sure how this other stuff happened so quickly, but it seems to be what gives him the drive to throw his coat on and storm out into the bullpen. "I have a plan and I'm going to save our jobs," he promises, and taps a very excited Dwight to come with him. "Oh, good, you're bringing Dwight," Pam says ambiguously. Is she being sarcastic, saying that Dwight will be a detriment to any plan Michael might have? Is she in favor of that, since she doesn't really want her job saved anyway? Is she just glad that Dwight will be gone for a while? It's beyond ambiguous, it's amtriguous. Out in the hallway, Michael tells Dwight that his plan is to go to see the CFO in person and convince him what a mistake he's making. Dwight calls shotgun for the road trip. "No...there's no one else," Michael weakly points out, already regretting his choice of wingman.
From Michael's car, Dwight hangs up his cell phone, having learned that CFO David Wallace is out for the day. Fortunately, he has Wallace's home address in his cell phone, for his Christmas card list. Michael mocks Dwight for sending Christmas cards to someone he's never met. "And when we do, we'll have something to talk about," Dwight says, tipping a smirk at the camera guy in Michael's back seat.
Jim comes into Josh's office to once again ask who's coming from Scranton. 'Cause, you know, he's just curious. Josh still doesn't have any answers for him, and is in fact starting to act a little sketchy. That's when Jan comes in, glad to see they're both there. Jim's like, "What does this have to do with me?"
Ryan dumps Kelly, saying that it doesn't make sense to keep dating now that they'll be in different offices. Amazingly, Kelly buys it. He THs that this has worked out great for him in every sense. Presumably, he's also giving her his DM business cards to remember him by.
Ah, now I see what Creed is working on: he seems to be fencing office equipment to people coming in off the street. Apparently Scranton has quite the black market.
Dwight and Michael march up the front walk to Wallace's imposing house as Michael compares himself to Michael Moore, "famous documentar...an." Only Michael could hang around with actual documentarians for a year or more and still not know how to pronounce the word. As Dwight knocks on Wallace's door, Michael goes on that Bowling for Columbine did not compare well to Kingpin, as bowling movies go. He doesn't mention The Big Lebowski, but I'm sure Michael found it arty and pretentious.
In Stamford, Jan is telling Jim that Josh is going to be running Dunder Mifflin Northeast, e.g. all offices north of Stamford, and Jim will be his number two. Which is the most out-of-the-blue promotion since Benson got made lieutenant governor (different show). Jim is obviously quite pleasantly surprised, so Josh picks this moment to break in and say that he's taken a senior management position at Staples. In other words, he took the restructuring that was happening around him and leveraged it into a new job. Totally sketchy. A pissed-off Jan realizes the company will have to come up with a new plan -- today, apparently -- and leaves Jim staring awkwardly at Josh. And a disgusted Jim THs quite sincerely says, "Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that." Well, at the very least, he would never get away with it.
Michael and Dwight have determined that Wallace isn't home, so all they can do now is wait. And prepare for the upcoming encounter by doing some role-playing with Dwight as Wallace. Michael confronts WallaceDwight, but when WallaceDwight is too reasonable and confident, Michael makes him start again. "Be more scared of me this time," he instructs. Dwight obliges, cringing theatrically.
Kelly is having Pam sign her company directory like it's a yearbook.
Jim paces in Josh's otherwise empty office, shrugging at Karen through the window. Jan reenters with a new plan: Scranton is absorbing Stamford now, and Jim can have the number two position there if he wants it. Well, that was quick. Jim is obviously less thrilled about this promotion than he was about the other one (which he had for five seconds). He mentions "unpleasant memories." Jan assumes he means Michael, but Jim assures her that's not the case. Yes, Jan, these are Jim's unpleasant memories, not yours. Do keep up. She takes her leave, telling him they'll do what they can to make him stay. Kind of jarring to see Jim being suddenly presented as such a valued part of Dunder Mifflin, even with the vacuum created by Josh's sudden departure.
And now, a series of short, unnecessary scenes designed to help "supersize" a half-hour sitcom into forty minutes:
1. Meredith is still trying to get some last-day nookie. Checking with Toby, she comes up empty.
2. Roy is at reception, learning from Pam that she's looking forward to concentrating on art school. Roy makes a big show of acting all supportive like he always used to not be when they were engaged, and just now learns that she's already started classes. The news hits him like a blow to the gut; it means she's moved on.
3. Dwight goes through Wallace's trash. Conclusions: the satellite TV bill means he's rich, and a coffee filter full wet grounds could mean Wallace either likes a hot drink, or needs to disguise the scent of smuggled cocaine. "It's a nice house," he observes suspiciously.
4. Phyllis has decided to try organizing a group lunch, but the first two people she asks, Kevin and Angela, can't even agree on a place. So she gives up.
5. Creed's got a fat wad of cash, and no desk computer any more. I bet he wishes Dwight were out of the office every day.
6. Dwight and Michael share a sport drink, Michael wiping the mouth of the bottle with the back of his tie before taking Dwight's sloppy seconds.
Back to the story. For the second time that day, Jan arrives at the Scranton branch, looking for Michael. Of course no one knows where he is. Seeing everyone working even less than usual, she asks what's going on. It's Phyllis, of all people, telling her in a resentful tone that they know about the branch closing and the jig is up. So Jan throws any disclosure guidelines out the window and just tells everyone that it's Stamford that's closing, and all of their jobs are safe. Kevin and Angela actually hug, and Phyllis hugs a visibly disappointed Stanley. Pam asks a departing Jan what Michael did to pull it off. Jan just tells Pam to call Michael and give him the news. Pam asks the reverse of the question Jim's been asking all day, which is whether anyone's coming back to Scranton. Er, that is, coming to Scranton. Not back. Not back to Scranton, in the sense that she's thinking about anyone who left Scranton for Stamford and thus might be coming back, no indeedy. Jan distractedly says, "Probably, a few."
Michael's about ready to give up the stakeout for some food, but Dwight nixes that idea. Michael's cell phone does what Michael's cell phone does in lieu of simply ringing, but he's not taking any calls from the office. "Not until I have some good news for them," he resolves. Shouldn't his ringtone be Alanis Morissette's "Ironic"?
Andy annoyingly asks Jim if he's going to transfer to Stamford. Jim hasn't made up his mind yet. Of course, the whole conversational gambit is an excuse for Andy to boast about how he'll be fine either way and name-drop Cornell again. "Where'd you go to college?" Jim asks. Andy takes the question seriously and turns back to his work, the wind taken out of his carnelian-and-white sails. Jim gives the camera a won't miss that guy grin. No, Jim. No, you won't.
In the Scranton break room, Pam tells Ryan that some people might be coming from Stamford. "Is Jim coming back?" Ryan blurts almost accusatorially, and Pam pretends it hadn't occurred to her. "I just don't want it to be weird," Ryan says. Pam looks busted, but Ryan's talking about his having taken Jim's job and desk. Silly Pam, assuming Ryan was thinking about someone besides Ryan. Suddenly Kelly comes screeching in, kissing his whole head and saying they don't have to break up now. "I don't know. Can't explain it," Ryan shyly mumbling-heads, almost likable for a moment there.
In Stamford, Karen asks Jim what his plan is. He still doesn't know, and he's surprised to hear that Karen's considering transferring to Scranton. Jim's amazed that a big-city girl like her wouldn't go to New York instead. Of course, he's taking her words at face value instead of their coded meaning, which is, "Do you like me?" And Karen, running Jim's guileless response through the same filter, hears, "No." She bravely pretends not to be hurt by the perceived rejection, but even Jim isn't fooled. Not that he knows what to do about it at this point.
And Andy throws a conniption -- and lots of napkins -- in the break room. Looks like the Eagles pulled it out in overtime after all. He rapidly pulls himself together long enough for a farewell handshake with Josh.
Stanley unpacks again, saying he now has something to look forward to. The end of the episode, which by all rights should have come six minutes ago?
Meredith comes through the bullpen, congratulating Creed. "Thank you," he says. "I made like twelve hundred bucks." Meredith answers her desk phone, and it's a call from a guy named Gary, from the old days, who heard about the branch closing. Meredith is about to set him straight, then stops herself and says, "Can you be at my place in twenty minutes?" Meredith hits pay dirt! Dirty, dirty pay dirt!
It's dark outside Wallace's house, and Michael is having his doubts as they sit in the Sebring. Dwight says it was an honor, and Michael actually clasps Dwight's shoulder. He wants to go over Dwight's favorite Dunder Mifflin moments. They reminisce over Michael spraying Dwight with a fire extinguisher on his first day, Dwight's first sale, Dwight's promotion to Assistant Regional Manager (Michael doesn't correct him for once), the basketball game, and when Michael took Dwight to the hospital and told him he cared about him. Michael's embarrassed. His favorite moments? All of them, he claims, because he's not picking up a little holiday cash by recapping old episodes and thus isn't reliving them all like some of us are. "What about when Jan said the branch was closing?" Dwight asks, enraging Michael with his twin superpowers of literal-mindedness and moment-destroying.
As a group of DM Scrantonites head out to Poor Richard's, Phyllis stops at reception to quietly tell Pam that she heard Jim's coming back. But in all the confusion of people leaving, Pam doesn't hear any details, or indeed anything that might suggest Phyllis is doing more than talking out her ass. Roy comes back, and they share a little moment over the averted disaster. Well, Roy has a moment. Pam just says it would be a pain to have to find another job. 'Kay, bye, Roy!
Pam THs that she was expecting a severance package. But as we see Jim cogitating in Stamford, she talks about all the many minor inconveniences that finding a new job would entail. "So there are reasons to stay," she concludes.
Speaking of whom, Jim appears to be the last person still working at Stamford, save Karen. Jim gets up to leave, saying that he's decided to take the Scranton job, and if they offer Karen a transfer, she should take it. In other words, he has finally decoded Karen's coded message from earlier, and has also figured out that if he responds in kind, he doesn't have to go back to Scranton and face Pam as a single man. Dick move, Halpert, for everyone involved. Karen smiles a smile that shows off the bright shiny fishhook Jim just stuck in there as he walks out of the office, playing out the line. And then she almost giddily THs that she's glad Jim said that. "I mean, I don't think he's into me or anything, but I'm kind of into him. So there you go." Aw, poor Karen.
Back on Wallace's front steps, Michael has decided to give up on Operation CFO Stakeout, and sends Dwight to get the car. He starts berating himself for letting everyone down. "Nobody likes me any more," he weeps pathetically to the stars. But Dwight, checking his voice mail, relays the now-old news that Stamford is closing and they're staying open. They jubilantly congratulate themselves on their glorious success, sharing a hug and a high-five and a whole series of chest bumps. After the initial moment of joy wears off, it occurs to them with surprising rapidity to wonder how they pulled it off. By not being involved, is how.
Toby gets ready to go, philosophically talking about how he considered moving to Costa Rica and learning to surf after the branch closed. "But Costa Rica will still be there," he says. "When I'm sixty-five." If there were a font to make his last few words look like dreary gray rain clouds, I would have used it.