Dwight walks into the office, pauses at reception, and demands to know where his desk is. Indeed, where Dwight's desk should be, there are only a couple of scraps of trash on the carpet. "That is weird," says Jim, like he's just noticing. Dwight rails about how not-funny this is, and he's very, very wrong. Jim tells Dwight to relax and think where was the last place that he saw his desk. Dwight demands that the culprit reveal him/herself, which I love, because...it seemed like he was onto Jim back at "Count Choculitis," and now it's like he's regressed. "I think you should retrace your steps," Jim advises straight-facedly. Dwight threatens to tattle to Michael, which is pretty much his go-to position. As Dwight stomps toward Michael's office, Jim simply says, "Colder." Dwight stops. He moves again. He and Jim hotter-colder along until Dwight locates his desk. Which is in the men's bathroom. Intriguingly, there is a phone cord strung into the bathroom and Dwight's phone is ringing. Dwight sits in his chair, facing the stalls, and answers. Hey! It's Jim, who wants some information about discounts. "Jim, I've given you this information like twenty times," Dwight complains as he pulls out a binder, momentarily ignoring the fact that (1) the desk is in the potty; and (2) Jim obviously put it there. At the moment, there is only the job to do. Kevin emerges from a stall holding his beloved scented candle. Jim and Dwight finish their call. "Wash your hands, Kevin," Dwight says in frustration.
Credits. Go, copier, go!
Jim and Dwight are both on the phone when Jim realizes that Dwight is calling someone "sensei." His ears perk up, and obviously, he'll have to call back. When Dwight hangs up, Jim asks if that was his mom. Dwight says it was his sensei. Dwight is sempai, which means he's the assistant sensei. "Assistant to the sensei?" Jim asks. "That's pretty cool." Dwight THs that he does karate. That's "kara-TAY," as you can imagine. We see footage of Dwight in a karate class -- full of children. He explains that "Ira," his sensei, has made him a purple belt and also made him sempai. Americans don't know what that means, but it's just as good as sensei, according to Dwight. I already feel bad for Ira, and I haven't even met him. He didn't make up the concept of a sempai, but I wouldn't have blamed him if he had. (Interestingly, the first generic explanation of a sempai I encountered online kind of sounds like Dwight could have written it.)
At reception, Stanley complains to Pam about having to stay late, and Pam THs that the issue here is that periodically, all the reports Michael has to sign on different timeframes come due on the same day. Kind of like what happens when ladies live together, if you see what I mean. She says that keeping him on task so he'll get it all done is not easy. Pam calls this collision of busywork "the perfect storm." We visit Michael in his office, where he's called Ryan in to assign him a "top-secret mission." (And not, it turns out, just so Ryan can listen to Michael sing "I don't want to work; I just want to bang on this mug all day.") Michael wants Ryan to update everyone's emergency contacts. Pam comes in to drop off the folders for Michael to manage. She tells him he needs to do everything by 7:00. "Or much earlier," she adds. Michael happens to mention Ryan's mission to Pam. She doesn't understand why that's being done today of all days, and Michael explains that if there were a tornado, Pam would feel fairly bad if someone's loved one couldn't be notified because Pam didn't want the emergency contacts updated. She has to admit that this is true. There's no comeback to the notification of the relatives. When she's gone, Michael tells Ryan that it's hard being the boss, because if you're too mean, they don't like you, but if you're "cool," then they take advantage of you. "Catch-22," Ryan says lifelessly. "Catch-22," Michael repeats. Michael asks to start with Ryan's information, including his cell number. Ryan looks concerned.
Later, Jim gives Ryan the name of his contact person, one "Larissa Halpert." JIM'S SECRET WIFE OH MY GOD! Ryan's cell rings, and Michael harasses him in a falsetto voice, which will be happening a lot in this episode. This time, he's "Michael Jackson." And then he's Tito. Either way, you do not want to be Ryan at this point.
Pam reads Jim's palm, telling him that he's in deep trouble. She's getting her information on palm-reading from the internet, so it must be true. "At least I don't have cavities," he says. "Yes, you have very nice teeth," she replies, not looking at him. He smiles. Meanwhile, Kevin gives the name "Stacy," but nothing else, as his emergency contact. Michael harasses Ryan via cell again. This time? He's Mike Tyson.
Jim still wants to talk karate, so he asks Dwight whether, as sempai, he thinks humans and robots can peacefully coexist. Not really worrying about the fact that being sempai doesn't have any overt connection to robots and humans, Dwight says they can't. And then he pauses. "You're mocking me," he finally says. He offers Jim "some advice," which turns out to be, "I am not afraid to make an example out of you." Jim points out that this isn't advice. "What 'advice' sounds like is this," he says. "Never bring your purple belt to work, because someone might steal it." With this, he holds up Dwight's belt. "That is not a toy," Dwight says angrily. Jim makes him say "please" to get it back, and he adds, "And it absolutely is a toy. Arigato." After saying a cursory "arigato" (hey, you have to be civilized; what are you, a farmer?), Dwight insists that the belt is "a message," which tells everyone in the office that he can dominate them. And here, we see Dwight in the dojo, bashing the shit out of a dummy's face with the heel of his hand, so repeatedly and rhythmically that it's a little unsettling. Actually a lot unsettling.
In his office, Michael practices writing his name in different ways. No, really. Like on the back of a history notebook. One of the signatures, he says, represents "the duality of man." He certainly does know how to invite a "duality of my butt" joke. Pam knocks on the window and says maybe he could practice on the things he has to sign.
Jim quizzes Dwight about which specific asses, within the office, he could kick. "No women or children unless provoked," Dwight says. Could he beat down Roy? "Warehouse guy," Dwight says. "Doesn't count." Michael is passing, as it happens, so Jim asks if Dwight could beat Michael up. Michael says there's no way. "Because we're friends," Dwight clarifies deferentially. "Because I would kick his ass," Michael insists. "Well," Jim foments, "Dwight's a purple belt, so." Michael says he's beaten up black belts. And how did he know they were black belts? "Because they told me...after," he says. He adds that he used to run with "street fighters" and he's just lucky to have gotten out. I think he meant to say that he ran from street fighters.
Ryan asks Toby if his wife is still his emergency contact. Toby says she's his ex-wife, and she has a different last name, but yes, she's still the contact. Aw. He then tells Ryan he doesn't need to add "ex" in front of "wife." AW! Who would divorce Toby? All he wants is to avoid trouble.
Michael finishes a story about how "nobody ever messed with the Damn Rascals again." Jim loved this story, whatever it was. You can tell. "Sounds tough," Jim says. "When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, huh?" he says, throwing in a couple of snaps. Heh. Michael looks baffled.
Pam moves the files Michael needs to sign onto the center of his desk.
As Michael is about to head into his office, he stops and puts Dwight in a headlock. A titty-twister seems likely. He holds Dwight, continuing to taunt and laugh. Michael THs, as the staff looks on at his junkyard-dog-ness, that while everyone in the office is his friend, sometimes your friends get lazy, so it's good to let them know you could beat them up if you absolutely had to. Along these same lines, he asks Jim to hit him. Jim declines: "I just got a manicure, so." "Oh, QUEER!" Michael yells. And then he looks at the camera and adds, "...Eye. Queer Eye. That's a good show. Important show." Michael loves the gays, as well as other minorities. Jim goads Michael into telling Dwight to punch him instead. Michael refuses, saying that wouldn't do much, with all the fourteen-year-old girls he already knows. Jim, predictably, asks for clarification on those fourteen-year-old girls. Michael calls out Dwight for crying during Armageddon, and that does it, so Dwight stands, readies himself, and double-punches Michael right in the solar plexus. "FUUUUUU...," Michael groans intensely. Michael hobbles into his office through a door opened for him by Jim. Dwight THs that he comes from fighters -- his grandfather was in World War II, and his father "battled blood pressure and obesity all his life."
Jim begs Pam to "ask Michael." He doesn't say what about, though she obviously knows. She's reluctant, preferring to watch Dwight practice his fighter moves on Kevin. Finally, he offers to buy her chips. "French onion?" she asks. "Obviously," he replies. No can defend! She relents. She goes to Michael's door and knocks. When Michael answers, she says that since she's going to stay late, she was wondering if Michael could make Dwight stay late too, so that he can walk Pam to her car. Michael bites on the bait quite predictably, calls her in, and says Dwight isn't "tough enough" to protect her. Pam points out that Dwight is a purple belt: "That's really high." Michael claims he could take Dwight. When Pam makes an "innocent" remark about how that's kind of...you know...different from life "out there," Michael can take no more, knowing they're all saying he's weak, so he goes to find Dwight. As Michael strolls down the hall looking for Dwight, Jim falls in behind him, doing West Side Story's downward-snap dance. It's a beautiful, tiny little touch. Michael finds Dwight in the break room, where he's training Kelly in self-defense. "Now watch," he tells her. "Let me take you from behind!" Kelly: "What?" Michael says that she'd better be careful -- Dwight tends to sucker-punch. Dwight denies it. Things escalate, with Michael insisting that he absorbed one punch, as he said he would, and then Dwight punched him again, in violation of their agreement. Dwight offers Michael two punches, and Michael says maybe if they were in a bar, and then they're off. Pump...pump...pump...and then Jim suggests that they fight in Dwight's dojo. After shooing away an unsuspecting Toby, who walks into the middle of this smackdown and seems only too happy to slink right back out, Michael agrees that at lunch, they will fight. At the dojo. Fight! Fight! Fight! "Pam," Michael says darkly, "Make an announcement. Figure out carpools." Release the hounds!
Jim, in his coat, THs that while the Albany branch works through lunch to avoid downsizing, Michael has expanded lunch so that everyone can go watch him and Dwight beat on each other. "Fight! Fight! Fight!" he chants happily, and then he actually gets dragged away in the middle of the TH to get in, presumably, his carefully arranged carpool. I think the only thing that makes Jim feel warmer in his heart than being able to unleash unexpected generosity is the prospect of Michael and Dwight hitting each other.
At the dojo, Michael admires some writing on the wall and announces that it's Japanese for "California roll." Ira the sensei tells him it's actually a symbol for "eternal discipline." Michael is unconvinced, probably because he's never been to a restaurant that serves eternal discipline. Elsewhere, Jim reads Pam's palm. Except that she has a giant self-defense glove (like a flat boxing glove) on, so he can't see anything. She urges him to look closer, and when he leans down, she bops him on the nose. This leads to poking in the forehead, which leads to sparring, which leads to wrestling, which leads to Jim picking Pam up with his arms around her waist from behind, and as her shirt slides up, she spots Meredith, who's watching. "Oh my God, put me down," she says more sharply, embarrassed by being seen, and then she gives an angry "Hey." He looks stunned as he abruptly drops her, and she walks off. He looks, for just a second, like he might actually burst into tears.
Dwight and Michael prepare to fight. Dwight gets the first point with a kick. As they set to go again, Kevin intones, "Sweep the leg!" Hey, that's a guy who knows what's what. There is much taunting, not to mention quite a bit of what frankly looks like girl-fighting. Michael winds up grabbing Dwight's foot and twisting his protective head-thing (whatever; don't email me) around until it covers his eyes. "One point! Two points! Three points!" Michael yells as he punches Dwight's body. Things degenerate from here, until Michael is straddling Dwight on the ground, threatening to spit a loogie into his mouth. It must be really confusing to despise your own toady.
The group returns to the office. Dwight has never looked worse as they all get off the elevator. In his office, Michael does his, "You talkin' to me?" And then he says, "Raging Bull. Pacino." Well, sure. He sees Ryan out the window, eating lunch by his car, and he decides to call him. As he watches, Ryan declines to take his call. Michael is wounded, but does his usual stellar job of hiding his true feelings under a layer of coolness. In a TH, Ryan silently holds up his phone and plays messages from Michael. They are as you would think, in that they would make you want to throw your phone in the pool. And then throw in a hair dryer that's still plugged in.
Dwight eats edamame at his desk as Jim tries to compose an email to Pam to tell her that he's sorry if it got weird before. But when he sees the camera looking over his shoulder, he ditches it. Aw. Have a bean, Jim! And buck up!
In his office, Michael tells Ryan his emergency contact is Todd Packer. That is...a tragedy. ("What has two thumbs and isn't coming to the emergency room because he's bonin' a broad right now? THIS GUY!") Dwight comes in at that moment to announce that he wants to remove Michael as his emergency contact. He just wants 911. They'll know what to do. Dwight leaves. "He is such a sore loser," Michael tells Ryan. He overrules Dwight and tells Ryan to leave him as Dwight's contact, in spite of Dwight's request. Michael: saving people from themselves since...well, maybe sometime.
Later, the office empties for the day, but for those stuck waiting around for Michael's paperwork. As Jim passes Pam's desk, he mutters, "Have a good weekend." He drops a bag on her desk. "Yeah, you too," she says coolly, without looking. After he's passed, she turns and sees the bag. This is her bag of chips, of course. French Onion Sun Chips, specifically. With a kind look, she reaches out and retrieves the bag. Junk food heals all!
Ryan brings the emergency contact information into Michael's office. Michael is sitting in a chair against the wall, rather than at his desk. Michael asks Ryan what he's doing for the weekend. Ryan says he's hanging out with friends. "Well, if you do anything crazy, give me a shout," Michael says. Ryan eagerly makes a note to himself. Not really. Ryan says, "Yeah, I'll...see you Monday." It's 6:20.
Angela stands by reception. Michael emerges, and she asks if he's finished. He says he's close, and he calls Dwight into his office. Everyone left -- Stanley, Toby, Angela, and Pam -- urges him to put this aside and finish his work. He claims that he needs to speak to Dwight, and they can all work together. "Let's gangbang this thing and go home," he says. He has such a way with people.
What happens is a group act of forgery, as they all complete the paperwork so that they can go home.
Michael tells Dwight he's been testing him all day. And why? Because Dwight is being promoted from assistant to the regional manager to assistant regional manager. Dwight is near tears. Dwight figures he'll get an office now. No, Michael says. Just the title. Dwight wants to have Pam send a memo to everyone. No, Michael says. For now, it's just probationary. "Michael, I have so much to learn from you," Dwight blubbers. Michael agrees. Dwight stands. "Thank you, sensei," he says. He bows. "And...ditto," Michael says, without standing, but with a flourish. Michael claims that he told Dwight falsely that there's honor in losing, but it's true that there's honor in making losers feel better. He says that as far as whether he'd rather be feared or loved, he says he wants both -- he wants people to be afraid of how much they love him. And on a shot of Michael pummeling Dwight back at the dojo, we are out.