It's another day at Dunder Mifflin, and Jim and Pam are at reception as usual when Ryan rushes in and reports that he's got Michael's lucky tie. Pam reports that "they're" in the conference room already, and she wants to know if those are Michael's jeans Ryan is carrying. They are. "Who dry-cleans jeans?" Ryan asks, still laboring under the delusion that Michael's behavior can be explained using logic. Pam THs that Michael is very attached to the idea of himself in his jeans, as we see a montage of him dancing in them, sitting on the reception desk in them, and shuffling around in them with his feet in a pair of trashcans. Michael apparently believes that everything he does looks better swathed in denim, including...walking in trashcans. Pam adds that she's quite sure his love of seeing himself in jeans is why he introduced casual Friday. Pam takes the jeans from Ryan and hurls them under her desk.
Credits. I could watch Dwight throw his tie over his shoulder all day.
Jan lays out papers on the conference table as she and Michael discuss an upcoming meeting they have, which apparently involves the school district, given Jan's collection of charts (which Michael compares to USA Today, because he's like that, and also because USA Today is like that). Jim explains in a TH that they're actually meeting with Lackawanna County, which is potentially a huge account. Getting it might mean the branch wouldn't be downsized. "And I could work here for years," he says, a little grimly. "And years," he adds, more grimly. "And years," he double-adds, like he might go drink some turpentine now. In the conference room, Michael informs Jan that he changed the meeting from the Radisson to Chili's. Jan is upset, but Michael insists that Chili's is "the new golf course," according to Small Businessman. "It said that," Jan says with disgusted skepticism. "It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor," Michael tells her. Jan tells him that he must let her run the meeting. "Poooower trip," he mutters.
In the break room, Oscar is telling a bad-date story about a background check that someone had done on him. When Pam wanders in, Jim tells her that they're on "worst first date" stories. She immediately declares that she'll be the winner, and goes on to recount a first date when a guy took her to a minor-league hockey game, brought his brother, and left without her. "Wait, when was this?" Jim asks. She looks around skittishly, and then gives him a "help me out here" look and says, "It was...not that long ago." "Wait, not Roy," Kelly laughs incredulously, showing the first flicker of her future self. "Say it's not your fiancé." Jim THs that this explains why Pam won't go to sporting events with Roy. "Interesting," he adds. Every time Roy's dickishness rings, Jim gets his wings.
Michael and Jan leave for the meeting, and she looks enormously irritated the entire time. "Good luck, Michael! Good luck, Jan!" Dwight calls out. Jan thanks him, and Michael just mutters, "Kiss-ass." The more Dwight tries, the more Michael hates him. Michael tells the group that he'll be gone late, and they can all go home. Jan, confused, says it should only take an hour or so and wonders whether it's his habit to shut the place down when he leaves for an hour. Michael tells her that he doesn't, but he says, all boss-to-boss and you-know-how-they-are, that they don't really get anything done when he's not there. He pauses and realizes that sounds bad. "That's not true, I know how to delegate," he says, "and they do more work when I'm not here." This, he can hear as he's saying it, so he immediately adds, "Not more work; the same amount of work is done whether I am here or not." This, too, sounds bad. It's really excellent the way they set that up so that you realize it really does sound bad, no matter what he says about what happens when he's not there. This is how you are driven to feel for Michael -- what do you say, as a boss, about how things go when you're not there? Grasping for some feeling of power over his circumstances, Michael turns and tells everyone to "sit tight," and then tells them "it's an order -- follow it blindly! Ya-ha-ha!" Yeah. Finally, he and Jan are gone. As they're leaving, Michael gives her shit about not knowing her way around Scranton, and he winds up insisting on driving her to Chili's -- a word you can tell it pains her to say. Michael THs that Jan is "cold," and could pass for dead much of the time. In the car, he tells her that maybe they should have a signal they can use during the meeting in case one of them gets in trouble. She tells him she's doing the talking, and she won't get in trouble.
Chili's. Michael and Jan come in and meet up with Christian, the county rep, who's played by Tim Meadows. Michael introduces "Jan Levinson-Gould," which Jan corrects to "Jan Levinson." Everything freezes as Michael whisper-quizzes Jan about what happened and why her name changed. After rebuffing multiple attempts from him to narrow it down ("Is Gould dead?"), Jan tells Michael quickly and quietly that she's divorced. He asks her if she wants to "talk about it." Now. With the client. At Chili's. Desperate to keep moving for several reasons, Jan calls for a table.
Once they're all seated, Christian tells them that times are hard everywhere, and "the name of the game is budget reductions." Seemingly not paying attention, Michael tells Christian he thinks they should get an Awesome Blossom. Christian agrees to the Blossom that is Awesome. In fact, Michael orders it "extra-Awesome." Jan tries to get back to the discussion of the deal, but Michael wants to tell a joke. Christian agrees to listen, but Jan insists that he can only tell one. Restricted to one joke and not wanting to waste it, Michael calls Pam, who winds up in Michael's office reading him jokes from his joke book. He rejects a couple, then winds up accepting the old "I am a lighthouse" transcript. Later, as Pam puts away Michael's joke books (including the Big Book Of Business Jokes, which makes me feel like someone is walking over my sense of humor's grave), she finds something in the bottom of a drawer. She takes it out and stares in disbelief as she flips through the pages and laughs.
Pam drops the item she found on Jim's desk without a word. She leans against his desk, waiting for him to take it in. Jim looks down at it. "Is this real?" he asks hopefully. "It is a screenplay," Pam says evenly. "Starring himself." It turns out that this is a story of Agent Michael Scarn, of the FBI. As Jim leafs through it, he excitedly says, "Oh, Pam, good work!" Jim also finds some drawings (on Dunder Mifflin stationery) that seem to go with the screenplay, which bear titles like "Threat Level Midnight." Jim also finds a drawing of Michael Scarn himself. Oh, Michael.
At Chili's, Christian happily chomps away on his Awesome Blossom and Jan glowers as Michael tells a joke that ends with "brown Probe" as a punch line, which is probably all you need to know. That, and the fact that Christian snorts his onion out his nose. "Can I have a vodka tonic, please?" Jan asks in despair as Christian and Michael bond. Is she more unhappy that it's going badly, or that it's going well? I think we don't know.
Table read. Yes, "table read." Jim has arranged a reading in the conference room of Michael's screenplay, Threat Level Midnight. The usual players are involved, excluding Dwight and Angela. Jim announces that he'll read the "action descriptions." Dwight comes up and stands in the doorway. Jim tells Phyllis she'll be playing "Catherine Zeta-Jones." "That's the character's name?" Phyllis giggles. Dwight orders them all to stop messing around with Michael's script, but then Jim offers him the chance to play Michael Scarn. This, of course, is Dwight's dream come true.
Chili's. Michael clowns around with his tie. (Don't ask.) Christian laughs. Jan desperately tries to get the discussion back on track and discuss business. She starts talking about the service that DM can provide. Christian says it's all about money for him. When Jan asks about "the bottom line," Michael starts making nonsense sounds, and he THs that this is why he wanted them to have a signal. So he wouldn't be forced to do that. "Did somebody say 'baby back ribs'?" he asks Jan and Christian. He begins to sing the "baby back baby back baby back" song, and Christian happily joins in. Jan hates her life.
Jim reads a scene in which Michael Scarn fights off the advances of Catherine Zeta-Jones. Dwight THs that he has acted in his life. In fact, he was in Oklahoma! as "Mutie The Mailman," a part invented as a result of an oversupply of students. "I was good," he says happily. As...you know. Mutie. As Ryan tears into the role of "Samuel L. Chang," Scarn's partner, Pam jumps up to go see Roy, who's suddenly standing at the door. For once not allowing Roy to play fun-killer, she tells him she has to "work late." Roy is disbelieving, since he can sort of see what they're doing, but he does eventually leave. Thus do we get rid of Roy. In a TH, Kevin says, "Michael's movie? Two thumbs...down." And he does the big thumbs.
Michael and Christian loudly slurp ribs.
Jim appoints Oscar to play the villainous "Goldenface." As Dwight really throws himself into a speech in which Michael Scarn scolds Chang for being such a gross incompetent, he reads the line, "And you're disgusting, Dwig-t!" He's not sure what "Dwig-t" means. Pam explains in a TH that they figure Michael originally called the incompetent asshole "Dwight," and when he did the search and replace...well, you know. Typos and such. "And Dwight figured it out," she says. "Oops." In a TH, Dwight emphasizes the proper spelling of his name, dammit! He then announces that he's done with the table read, and that his uncle bought him some fireworks, so anyone who wants to see them can come outside. Jim takes the opportunity to call for a break and invite Pam to have something to eat with him.
At Chili's, Jan just keeps drinking as Christian talks about taking care of, probably, his mom. Michael then turns the "truth or dare" on Jan, asking about her divorce. Drunk off her ass, Jan acknowledges that she wanted to have kids and her husband didn't. Christian and Michael comfort her, with Michael insisting that her husband was "stupid," and Christian congratulating her for slitting her wrists for the world.
Jim makes sandwiches and Pam grabs drinks as Jim THs that he had plans to get together with a friend and canceled (Katy?), but he's "not a complainer." He grins and shrugs. With a box in his hand, he climbs up a ladder to what is presumably the DM roof. Soon, he and Pam are up there, and she's lighting a citronella candle to keep the bugs away. And, of course, to light up their looooove. He serves her a grilled cheese, and she says she doesn't remember the last time anyone made her dinner. Yikes. They watch as, down on the ground, Dwight and Kevin set off fireworks and dance around. No, really. That's what they're doing.
At Chili's, there is more small talk about Michael's attachment to the county and how much he loves it and how he grew up there, and all of a sudden, you can kind of see where he's going. And that helps you keep in mind that Michael has some skill at some parts of his job, which is how he got where he is. With all this lead-in, Michael tells Christian how the discount places aren't concerned about the community like he is. Jan starts to talk, but Michael subtly (no, really!) shushes her. Christian finally says they can have the account, provided they can "meet [him] halfway." Michael looks at Jan. "You think we could, Jan?" She beams at him.
Jim and Pam leave through the front door together, agreeing they'll see each other tomorrow. He starts to put in headphones, and she asks for one of them, so he wears one earpiece and she wears the other, and they listen. It's so interesting, because this show almost never has any music that appears in any way other than an ironic one, so seeing people swaying silently to music you can't hear is surprisingly powerful.
Michael and Jan bid Christian farewell in the parking lot, and when he's gone, they happily squeal to each other about getting the account. "Come here!" he hollers, and they happily hug. He pecks her on the lips, and then...freeze! Uh-oh! Yeah. Then they're making out, for which they look to be equally responsible, and it is terrifying. She pulls away, ordering him into the car. "Where are we going?" he asks, then he says, "Doesn't matter," and he gets in the car as the documentary crew, clearly far away, grabs the critical shot.
The morning, the camera guy busts into the office, which is dark, to find Dwight sleeping on the couch under a space blanket, apparently having waited up for Michael. We get to watch Dwight in his undershirt and blue briefs (zoiks) as he stomps around in a daze, still looking for Michael. Dwight peers out the window and sees Jan getting out of a cab in the DM parking lot. She looks around nervously. She zaps her car with her remote unlock, and she gets in.
Later, Michael arrives at work. In a TH in his office, he giggles while insisting that "nothing happened." He desperately wants to tell, though, and eventually, he does: he took Jan back to her hotel, where they "made out." Suddenly, Dwight stomps in, asking, "Did you do her?" He sounds almost spurned, which is really something. Michael tells Dwight that it's none of his business, in a way that would tell any remotely aware person that something did indeed happen.
At reception, Jim spreads the gossip that Jan apparently never came back to retrieve her car the day. He wonders aloud to Pam whether "Agent Michael Scarn has found his Catherine Zeta-Jones." The phone rings. It's Jan's cell, Pam breathlessly reports as she looks down at the caller ID. She answers it and bounces Jan in to Michael, where he's busy with a TH in which he talks about knowing they're supposed to register with HR as "a consensual sexual relationship." This despite the fact that it doesn't appear they are, in fact, a "sexual relationship" just yet. When he answers the phone and hears Jan's voice, he shares some small talk that's very uncomfortable (for her) before listening for a moment and then saying with some confusion, "If it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake." Jan accuses him of getting her drunk on purpose, which he denies. Michael crawls under the table to escape the cameras as he tries to tell her it's just "a fight," but the camera follows him. "You want to see other people," he says. And then he adds this clarification: "Only other people." Ouch. As he cowers under the desk, he tries to tell her to just come by for drinks.
At reception, Jim tells Pam you might say they had their first date last night, just as Jan and Michael perhaps did. She's half-amused as she asks him what that's supposed to mean. He refers to the dinner, the candlelight, and the show (counting the movie), and there were "dancing and fireworks." She denies dancing, but he insists that there was at least "swaying." "Swaying isn't dancing," she says a little too dismissively. "At least I didn't leave you at a high-school hockey game," he says, which is low. She looks stung. She says she has faxes, and she walks away as he tries to apologize to her back. Hey, you stung him first, lady. Jim THs that he didn't mean anything by it, and he certainly knows it wasn't a date. "It's not really a date when the girl goes home with her fiancé," he says with a "smile."