Kirsten's fortieth birthday is coming up, and she's preparing herself with secret doctor's visits. Taylor Townsend is also going to a doctor -- her new therapist, who has a seriously hands-on approach her work, driving Taylor around town to help her develop as her own person. Yeah, it doesn't work. Meanwhile, Che has decided that he and Seth are soulmates, and recruits him on a mission to save Newport's version of Punxsutawney Phil from his life of cushy captivity. After some Mission: Impossible-style antics, they suck out and get themselves arrested. Kaitlin is up to some antics of her own, pretending to be Julie and writing dirty emails to BULLET in Dubai. So when he comes back to town ready to propose, it doesn't go over very well. Fortunately, no one minds that underage Kaitlin's been writing emails to old BULLET and Julie decides to accept his proposal, saying she hopes she'll love him eventually. You'd think BULLET would take the hint there, but he doesn't, and he and Kaitlin celebrate their victory at Kirsten's fortieth birthday party, where she reveals to Sandy and the boys that she's pregnant. Everyone's happy, especially when Ryan and Taylor get back together and Che realizes that Seth isn't his soulmate after all -- some random girl in a Groundhog mascot suit is. He leaves town (finally), only to be replaced by Frank, Julie's secret lover, who looks like he could give BULLET a run for his money. And BULLET has a lot of money.
We don't know where exactly Taylor is, but she gets a call from Kaitlin on her cell phone wondering if she's off somewhere with Ryan and reminding us all that those two do share living space along with the rest of the Roberts Boarding House population (a.k.a anyone in the opening credits who doesn't live with the Cohens). Anyway, Taylor tells Kaitlin that she is not with Ryan since she told him she needs space as we all just saw in the Previouslies. Kaitlin exposits that if Taylor isn't with Ryan anymore, then she won't get an invite to Kirsten's big fortieth birthday bash (she's only forty? Really? She must have had Seth, like, during her senior year of college!), which Kaitlin isn't happy about since it means Taylor won't be doing anything weird that will make the event fun for her. And us. Not for Kirsten, though. She never has fun. Taylor hangs up on Kaitlin, only to get in trouble with mini-mall security for loitering on the premises for the last seven hours. With binoculars. Taylor claims she's just bird-watching, but the only bird she's been watching all day is a beautiful turkey, as she's on a balcony across from The Pav. The guy yanks her arm and kicks her out, despite her pleas that Ryan's shift is ending in ten minutes. She even tries to bribe the guy with a donut, but he turns it down, and she sighs in a hilariously disappointed fashion. She'd be a lot more fun if she wasn't so freaking creepy, though. At the rate she's going, Pancakes better watch out that he doesn't get boiled.
Julie pulls a nasty-looking Stouffer's Family-Size Lasagna out of the oven while Kaitlin looks on in horror. Julie says she's short on cash, so their meals will sort of suck for a while. "Why'd you leave NewMatch?" Kaitlin grumbles. I'm kind of surprised that Julie left her in the dark about her whole getting fired due to setting up a prostitution ring thing. Or that Kaitlin hasn't figured it out by now. You see what a relationship with ChrisBrown does to you? It makes you ignorant. Julie gets a Mysterious Phone Call and leaves. "Five people in this house and I end up eating dinner by myself," Kaitlin Kirstens. Julie tells her Mysterious Caller that she'll see him Friday night and she doesn't like sneaking around, even though you know she loves it. Julie Cooper can't not sneak around.
And Bright's up in Summer's room doing a stupid chant surrounded by a bunch of candles. Please let them fall over and engulf him in flames. But no, Summer just walks in, fresh from a shower, and asks Bright what his deal is. He says he's doing some heavy-duty dream interpreting after possibly finding his soulmate. "It's... complicated... I must be... certain," Bright says, sounding very Shatnerish. Summer suggests abandoning the Chinese mysticism and spending time with whomever his soulmate's supposed to be to see if they have anything in common. One thing it might be good to have in common, for example, is sexual orientation. Because if Seth isn't gay, then I don't think you have much of a chance, Bright. Bright says he's a little busy right now planning how to free Newport Chuck, the groundhog. Shouldn't he also be busy with school? Does he still go to Brown? I'm so confused. I'd be a lot less confused if Bright were to, say, leave and not come back. Anyway, Bright finds the practice of keeping Newport Chuck in a cage all year except for one day where he's on display for everyone to be cruel. Summer tells him not to involve her, and he tells her that besides getting her kicked out of the college she was so happy at, he'd never do anything to hurt her. Which would set off a few alarm bells in my head, but Summer shrugs it off. She leaves the room so Bright can stare at his framed picture of Seth and fail to amuse me.
At the Cohen House, the guys are heading out to a movie that only Seth likes. Kirsten begs off so she can stay home and make an appointment with her doctor, who there is no way is still in her office this late at night. And she wants to make an appointment for tomorrow! Ha! I had to claim I was on the verge of death to get a -day appointment with my doctor, and even then he held me off until late afternoon. Good luck with that, Kirsten. The guys pile in the car and talk about how Kirsten has seemed down lately, but they're sure she'll feel better in time for the surprise party Sandy's planning. He says he's so good at surprise-party planning that he "coulda been with the CIA." Seth pokes his head in from the back seat and says, with great delivery and timing, "I hear they're known for their birthday parties." I will miss Seth. Hopefully, some of Adam Brody's films will actually be released so I can see more of him after the show ends.
The morning at the Cohen House, Seth is confused to find Bright watching him sleep in his bedroom. Bright is almost as creepy as Taylor. Pancakes will really need to watch his back this week. Seth's bedhead is adorably tousled, by the way. Bright assures Seth that he isn't dreaming and tells him to "rise and shine" because they're about to fight against the subjugation of animals. With that, he flings the covers off of Seth, who says it's a good thing he doesn't sleep naked. Bright pretends that he's happy about that too.
Kaitlin is spending her morning with the Wards (and who wouldn't?) composing a romantic email to BULLET from Julie. The Wards, of course, suggest that she write that she "can't wait to get two big handfuls of butt," because, as Kaitlin points out, they really do like talking about other men's butts. Also, the Cute Ward got a haircut and looks cuter than ever. Clown Ward did not get a haircut, and thus looks clownier than ever. Pity. Kaitlin isn't thrilled with the idea of having her mom say she wants to feel BULLET's butt, but does it anyway when the Wards assure her that the way to a man's heart is through his butt. And so, Fake Julie's email reads "Dear Bullit (I've been spelling it wrong all this time. Oh well), I've missed you so much. I'm so excited your [sic] coming home... I miss your butt. Love, Julie."
Sandy finds Ryan in the poolhouse sitting on his bed and totally sulking about his failed relationship with Taylor. He invites Ryan out to lunch and to help him pick up Kirsten's birthday present. Ryan agrees to go and says he's fine with Taylor needing time away from him. Ryan looks really cute today. That's like the third guy whose looks I've praised. If I start finding BULLE(I)T attractive, I'm going to have to stop this recap and go out on a date or something. As soon as Sandy's out of the poolhouse, Ryan grabs the scrapbook out from under his bed and starts looking through it. Awww.
Taylor goes to therapy. "I need help, Doctor," she says. "Admitting that is the first step in recovery," the therapist says, and already I'm pretty sure she's not a very good therapist. Anyway, Taylor says she's here because she read this doctor's article about emotional addiction and that's what Taylor needs help with right now, since her father was absent and her mother was "Idi Amin with fake boobs." Of all the physical differences between Idi Amin and Mrs. T, the fake boobs are probably the most subtle. Anyway, now Taylor knows she's way too desperate to be loved and it's going to ruin her relationship with Ryan if she doesn't get help. Except now that she asked him for space, she's been stalking him. But in a good way, Taylor maintains. The kind that produces an "aesthetically pleasing scrapbook." Followed by an aesthetically pleasing restraining order. Taylor wonders if she's a lunatic. "You are not a lunatic," Therapist says even though they've only been speaking for two minutes and everything Taylor's said so far kinda points to her being a lunatic. She says she'll do whatever the therapist tells her to do, even though Therapist says her methods are "very aggressive." So now Taylor will have an emotional addiction to the Therapist instead of Ryan, I guess.
Julie is going all eBay on some framed pictures in the house, selling them to help make ends meet. So not only is she squatting in Dr. Neil's house, rent-free, but she also had the audacity to let Taylor live there without asking him and NOW she's selling off his artwork? That is balls, Julie. Kaitlin doesn't see why her mom's worrying about money since her boyfriend is a billionaire. "No, he's not," Julie immediately says, which makes Kaitlin suspicious. She asks Julie if she's seeing someone behind BULLIT's back, but Julie just says she can't be cheating on BULLIT since their relationship ended when he went to Dubai (and the writers of the show decided to introduce some more conflict into the show by having her date Ryan's real father despite their total lack of chemistry). Kaitlin says she and BULLIT have exchanged a few emails, and he seems to think that he and Julie are still together. Julie doesn't seem too concerned that her underage daughter is discussing relationships with an old man. This is the kind of parenting that gives the world fourteen-year-olds putting naked pictures of themselves on MySpace.
Kaitlin answers the doorbell to find a flower delivery guy. He hands her a bouquet for Julie with a note that says "can't wait 'til tomorrow night. Miss you already." It doesn't say anything about butts though, so who knows what the flower sender's intentions are? Kaitlin isn't taking any chances, though, and throws the flowers in what I'm pretty sure is the paper goods recycling bin. If Bright finds out about this, he's going to murder her.
And Kirsten is looking sad and sighing, although this time, she's opted for a change of scenery and is in her doctor's office. "For the last few weeks, I've been feeling weak. Just drained of energy," Kirsten tells her doctor. Last few weeks? More like last few seasons. My diagnosis is lazywritersitis. Kirsten also says she's been feeling queasy and light-headed. The Doc asks if she's been drinking. Duh, no. That would require Kirsten having some sort of storyline. The Doc says she'll take some of Kirsten's blood for tests. It's kind of weird how they're having this whole conversation in the doctor's private office and not, like, in an examining room.
Bright and Seth spy on Newport Chuck from the balcony above. Seth does not want to be a part of freeing him, saying Chuck seems pretty happy with the "free carrot deal." Bright just looks disappointed and says he guesses they don't have anything in common after all, and "who knows what might have been?" See, now, much like his earlier comment about not doing anything to hurt Summer, this would have set off a few warning bells in my head and sent me in the other direction. But Seth just agrees to help Bright with Newport Chuck to repay him for helping Seth with his inner otter. By stranding him in the woods without food or shelter. This doesn't make sense.
BULLIT gives Kaitlin a call from the airport. He calls her "peanut," which is cute. She says they need to talk, and he says not if it's about the duty-free alcohol she asked him to buy. Like, not only does Kaitlin ask people to buy her underage ass alcohol, but she tries to save money, too! Love her! BULLIT says they can talk at "the jewelry store," and good thing there's only one jewelry store in all of Newport so she'll know where to meet him. He says he liked Julie before he left for Dubai, but these emails she's been sending him -- especially that last one -- has made him decide to propose. Say what you want about their sexuality, but the Wards sure do know what men want. Kaitlin decides not to tell BULLIT the truth and instead recommends buying an emerald cut diamond. Better yet, he could buy her an emerald instead of a diamond. Emeralds are prettier and less evil.
After the commercial, Summer and Taylor spend quality time together cleaning Taylor's room out of Ryan Relics. These include the valet stub from their third date and a toothpick. Apparently, this is all a part of Therapist's aggressive emotional addiction fighting method. Taylor says she can't keep from being powerless under people who say they have feelings for her, and this is the best thing to do for both her and Ryan. "I hope you know what you're doing," Summer says, then leaves the room before she has to, like, get involved or anything. Great friending there, Summer.
Ryan buys an empty cup of coffee and spots Kaitlin on the Promenade in front of Newport's Lone Jewelry Store. He asks about Taylor, and Kaitlin reports that she's been "a little bit weirder than normal." That's not good for anyone. Sandy runs up, and Kaitlin takes off because this show no longer allows more than two people to share a scene. Unless it's Kirsten, in which case, no more than one person can be in the scene. Sandy tells Ryan that the mysterious birthday present he's been trying to get for Kirsten has suffered a setback. They leave to allow BULLIT to show up and chat with Kaitlin. He shows off the ring he bought for Julie. Kaitlin makes sure it was the most expensive one in the store and they go over BULLIT's proposal. He's got it all taken care of, thanks to some Iranian guy BULLIT met on his flight home who recommended a great love song that BULLIT then downloaded onto his Verizon Wireless LG Chocolate phone which now comes in three delicious new flavors: cherry, mint, and... uh... white. Anyway, the song, which can be heard through the Chocolate's small, yet powerful, speakers is your typical Iranian fare, and BULLIT does a little dance to it that is sure to piss off anyone of Iranian descent who happens to be watching. Think the Bangles' "Walk Like an Egyptian" video. Kaitlin says they'll need to talk about BULLIT's proposal and they walk off with BULLIT putting a fatherly arm on her shoulder.
Bright and Seth pull their crappy old VW bus up outside the building that houses Newport Chuck. They go over blueprints and their plan. It involves grappling hooks, and I don't believe I've ever seen one of those not in a cartoon. Seth says he doesn't know how to climb, but Bright already took care of that and brought a "papoose" for Seth. Papooses are for babies, Seth. Man up. Seth makes sure Bright knows that this plan is insane and sure to fail, but Bright simply says that "when the universe intends for something to happen, it will happen." Have fun using that explanation when your future employers ask about the felony conviction on your record, Seth. Anyway, Bright tempts Seth with a Sno-Cone, and he's happy enough, saying that his favorite flavor is cherry, but Sandy's is blueberry. Kirsten's favorite flavor is a toss-up between vodka and plain.
The Therapist shows up at the door of the Cohen House with a cardboard box full of stuff Taylor needs to return to Ryan. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to get that toothpick back. And how much is Taylor paying that therapist to go driving around with parcels during the night? For that matter, how is Taylor paying for her at all? Ryan tells Therapist to hold up and then spots Taylor hiding in the front seat of Therapist's car, which is a convertible with the top down, so, nice plan there, Therapist. Therapist tells "Mr. Atwood" that Taylor is under her strict instructions not to have any contact with Ryan for one week, and sure enough, Taylor has a hand on the side of her face so she can't see Ryan. Ryan's all, "okay, but she's right here," and starts trying to talk to Taylor anyway. He even crouches down so he's leaning over the car door and looking really sad. Taylor tells Therapist to tell Ryan that this is what's best for both of them, and now we're all in second grade. But I love how the Therapist totally plays along and starts repeating that to Ryan until he interrupts her and begs Taylor to talk to him. He rests his chin on the car door and says they can work on this together, and then he makes a series of puppy dog expressions that I do not understand how Taylor can resist. But she does, and she and the Therapist drive away.
Unfortunately, we still have to watch the adventures of Seth and Bright. Sigh. Seth arrives at the ground floor of the lobby via elevator, while Bright climbs down on his rope accompanied by techno music like we're in an episode of Alias or something. Except that Bright is no Jack. He isn't even a Marshall. They grab Newport Chuck's cage and make a run for it, winding up on the roof without any way to get down, thanks to Bright leaving the ropes inside because he just had to climb down to the lobby. "Dude," Seth says, so disappointed. Bright runs back in to get them, but they're locked out.
The morning, Bright is doing Tai Chi, and we're still stuck watching this ridiculousness. Bright points out that this is the second time they've spent the night together and asks Seth if that means anything to him. It does not. I'm pretty sure they filmed this on the roof of the parking garage at the studio, by the way. Bright starts to tell Seth about the soulmate connection he's sure they have, despite all the evidence to the contrary, but is interrupted by a security guard.
Sandy kisses Kirsten good morning and shows her to a seat at the kitchen table he's set up for her perfect birthday breakfast. Kirsten isn't hungry, though. What a bitch! Even if you aren't hungry, you're supposed to fake it when your husband makes you breakfast. Sandy says she's taking turning forty hard and that she looks more beautiful now than when they met. They reminisce about their days living in the back of a mail truck, and Kirsten's about to tell Sandy something, but then she just stops and waits for Ryan to make his entrance so he can interrupt them. Which he eventually does, all friendly and huggy. Then Kirsten gets a call and leaves the scene so Sandy and Ryan can talk about tracking down Kirsten's birthday present. I think we're supposed to care about this present, but I don't.
In the other room, Kirsten's on the phone with her doctor's office. The doctor wants Kirsten to come in so she can deliver some news in person, which is never a good sign. Especially not if you're one of the doctor's other patients whose appointment just got bumped for this. Kirsten looks worried and we're all supposed to fear that she might have cancer.
Julie also gets a medical-emergency-related call from Kaitlin, who asks what it feels like when one's appendix bursts. I'm thinking it feels too painful to make a calm phone call about it to Mom, but Julie doesn't have the medical knowledge I do, apparently. That medical knowledge being: burst appendix = so much pain and imminent death = not being able to call Mom and chat.
And Taylor's taking a walk with her therapist, who apparently charges by the day. Seriously, what is this? Has anyone on this writing staff ever gone to therapy? Surely Daughter of Regis (Writer of Crap) needed a few sessions. I'm pretty sure therapists don't spend the day hanging out with you and driving you to your boyfriend's house. Anyway, Taylor's having doubts about the therapy process, but Therapist gets a call from another patient who's having a crisis and totally ditches her. This would pretty much convince me to stop seeing this therapist, since obviously she's not that great if her other patients are having crises and she ditches you when you express doubts. Another thing that would convince me to stop seeing that therapist would be if that storyline sucked, and this one does. Anyway, since the therapist left the scene, someone else must enter, and sure enough, who should Taylor see across the park but Sandy and Ryan. She turns to leave, only to bump into two guys wearing groundhog mascot costumes and gets an idea.
Julie rushes home to find Kaitlin and her appendix doing just fine. It was all a trick to get Julie to come home. Not a very nice one, considering that Julie's other daughter died fairly recently, but whatever. Julie suddenly notices flowers all over the house and Kaitlin says someone has a question for her. Enter BULLIT, who tells Kaitlin to "hit it." Kaitlin protests, but is overruled and forced to put on the Iranian music. BULLIT gets down on bended knee and Julie doesn't know what to do. He says all his money (and there's a lot of it!) isn't worth anything to him without Julie, and he whips out the giant ring. Kaitlin looks so hopeful. Julie looks so overwhelmed. She doesn't know what to say, but it looks like "yes" hasn't crossed her mind. She orders Kaitlin to turn the music off and says she's surprised, especially since they haven't spoken since BULLIT left for Dubai. Kaitlin hastily tries to change the subject, saying that ring is "ridonkulous." But it doesn't work. BULLIT brings up those emails Julie's been sending him that were full of x's and o's. Kaitlin rushes to turn the music back on as BULLIT whispers the contents of Julie's last email into her ear. Julie's jaw drops and she turns and looks at Kaitlin. "Oh, crap," Kaitlin whispers. That's like her tagline now, and I love it. Really, though, Kaitlin, did you honestly think this was going to work out? Contrary to what that storyline with two guys trying to free a groundhog and then locking themselves on the roof would have you believe, this isn't Three's Company.
Summer's walking around the park and watching the Groundhog Day festival get set up when she gets a call from Bright. She says that she's looking at Newport Chuck right now and he looks really sad in his cage. Probably because he just spent the last night freezing on that roof. Bright tells Summer that "the man" caught him and he needs Summer to rescue Chuck because he and Seth can't. She doesn't want to, but with a rueful look back at Seth, Bright tells her that sometimes "our destiny is chosen for us." Bright really wishes he was Jesus, I think. Way to waste your one phone call, Chosen One.
Summer does some undercover work at the stupid festival and finds out that on stage with Newport Chuck will be some police officers, government officials, and, of course, some people wearing stupid groundhog costumes. In fact, there's one right over there who's about Summer's height and build. How conveeeeeeeeenient.
Julie slams Kaitlin's bedroom door shut and asks her why she emailed BULLIT pretending to be her. Kaitlin shrugs and says she was trying to help since she knew her mother didn't "deal well" with long-distance relationships. Julie asks if BULLIT's bank account had anything to do with it, and Kaitlin expertly deflects the question by asking about Julie's mystery man. Julie tells her to stay out of her private life and reminds her that relationships aren't just about money, even though nothing Julie's ever done in her life has supported this statement. We must lead by example, Julie. Kaitlin says she doesn't care about BULLIT because of his bank account. At Julie's withering stare, she admits she does care about the bank account a little. But more importantly, BULLIT loves Julie, is nice, and would be a great step-dad. D'oh! She pulled the needy daughter card. Julie sighs and sits down to Kaitlin. She says Kaitlin has to tell BULLIT "the truth," which is not going to be fun for anyone except for Dateline NBC when they get to rush Chris Hansen out to tell BULLIT that he's under arrest for getting sexual in emails to an underage girl. Kaitlin says she'll be taking BULLIT with her to Kirsten's stupid party, so Julie will have to make up her mind about his proposal by then. Kaitlin needs to not be in love with her possible future step-dad. It's getting kind of weird. But I guess this is what happens when fathers abandon their children, Jimmy.
Kirsten comes home from her doctor's appointment that we didn't get to see because that would mean seeing Kirsten, which is unacceptable. She sighs and looks sad, of course, then answers a phone call from a desperate Julie, who needs advice about what to say to BULLIT. She says she has a secret lover, and Kirsten will not believe who it is. Kirsten says she'd rather lie down than talk to Julie, because the depression is consuming her. She hangs up on Julie.
Sandy gets off the phone with some guy in a junk yard who has the present Sandy's been looking for for Kirsten. Good thing they did all their business in the middle of the park like that. All the better for Taylor to stalk Ryan. But first, Sandy and Ryan have a man-to-man chat about Ryan's relationship woes. Listening in, of course, is someone in a groundhog mascot uniform, who walks right on into a tree and then whines, in Taylor's voice so there won't be any mistaking who's inside the costume, "stupid tree!" Sandy gets a call and takes off as the groundhog gets closer and closer to Ryan on the park bench. He turns around and startles Taylor, who tries to run but trips over herself in a most embarrassing fashion. I know because I tripped over myself recently in mid-sprint and wiped out spectacularly, skinning my knee and sending dust clouds flying into the air, and a lot of people saw me, and it was not cool. So I feel for Taylor here. The groundhog head flies off, revealing Taylor. She tells Ryan to forget he ever knew her, grabs the head, and run/waddles away. Why does Ryan put up with this?
They've got TV in Newport Prison, and a breaking news story informs the jailhouse residents that Newport Chuck was chuck-napped during a press conference by a woman dressed in a groundhog costume. We see footage of the incident, where a groundhog mascot slides across the stage, grabs the cage, and takes off without tripping over itself. The reporter concludes that Newport Chuck is still missing, but the police found and arrested a woman they believe was responsible. Seth tells Bright that his dad should be coming around to pick them up soon, and Darryl asks if Sandy will be freeing him as well. Seth says sure, but Darryl says he doesn't want to leave jail, and homeless people should not be the subject of derision. This show is very insensitive towards their plight. Anyway, Bright decides to finally come clean to Seth and starts telling him about his dream and their soul connection when he's interrupted (of fucking course) by the arrival of someone in a groundhog costume. She's got the head on and everything. Did they take her mugshot like that? And what the hell are they doing, keeping her in a holding cell right to all those male ne'er-do-wells (except Darryl, who was probably the victim of all-too-common police discrimination against the homeless)? She pulls off her head and it's not Summer, but the girl Summer spotted earlier. Bright stares at her and her totally hippie hair braids and falls in love. He realizes that he wasn't in love with an otter in his stupid dream, but a groundhog. Easy mistake to make, I guess. Bright approaches the girl and takes her groundhog-costumed hand into his. He's one of those furries, isn't he? They just stare at each other. I'm really glad these two people I care nothing about have found love so that the people on this show I actually do care about can get some fucking camera time before the show goes off the air in like four weeks. Darryl informs Seth that he "ate a squirrel once." Being that desperate for food isn't something to joke about, show. Also, where is his homeless friend, Bill? I liked him better. Anyway, Sandy finally shows up to bail Seth and Bright out of jail, but Bright decides to stay behind with the girl until she gets bailed out, too.
And Kirsten's sitting home by herself. Sandy finally decides to call and tells her to meet him at the Yacht Club. She's not thrilled with this, but is hung up on as Seth is released from jail and Sandy has to go. At this point, some guy shows up at the door with a car. He says he's here to take her to Sandy. I wouldn't trust it, but Kirsten does. It's not like she has anything better to do than get abducted anyway.
Outside the Yacht Club, Ryan talks to Seth about his latest stupid caper. He says that Sandy "didn't seem too upset about it," which makes sense since Sandy didn't care enough to even notice that Seth wasn't home all last night or most of today. Seth says Sandy is probably proud of him for getting arrested for political activism, and I'm sure he'll be even more proud when he has to pay the penalty fine because you know Seth's not paying it.
Kirsten pulls up in her car and says she hopes Sandy "didn't do anything too extravagant." Seth and Ryan laugh at her naïveté, and then Sandy pulls up in a big ol' mail truck with the hugest little boy grin on his face. He got her a mail truck for her birthday. I would have preferred a male truck, full of hot guys without shirts on. But Kirsten loves it. She won't love it so much when it's parked in front of their house and lowering property values for the whole street. But for now, she's happy. Well, as happy as Kirsten gets. Sandy also gives her an envelope -- her "real present." Inside it are round-the-world first class airplane tickets, courtesy of all those frequent flier miles Seth racked up when Summer was at Brown, I suspect. Kirsten says she can "top" this present. What an overachiever she is! She announces that she has cancer. Okay, no, actually, she pulls Sandy aside to talk to him "in private." Ryan and Seth exchange "I think they're about to go have sex" looks.
Inside, Kirsten tells him that she went to her doctor. Sandy looks stricken and asks if she's sick. "Yes," Kirsten answers. Sandy looks so scared and upset for the minute Kirsten cruelly takes before she continues, "but only in the mornings." She's pregnant and "everything's gonna change." "You're not kiddin'," Sandy says. He's thrilled. They hug. Aww. I hope they have a girl and name it Sethette.
And at Kirsten's party, Kaitlin is having a typical fifteen-year-old conversation with BULLIT: "and then Brad was like, 'oh no,' and I was like 'oh yeah.'" Hee. Kaitlin had so much potential, it's a shame this show is going off the air before we got a chance to realize it. BULLIT lectures that those fake emails Kaitlin wrote him, especially the last one, were "a little frisky... a little inappropriate," and if I were him, I'd have already made an agreement with her when she told me about it to never speak of that again. But he doesn't even seem the least bit embarrassed. Kaitlin apologizes and BULLIT says he still wants to marry Julie even if she doesn't miss his butt. At this point, Julie sits down and officially rejects BULLIT's proposal. Ouch. Kaitlin starts to leave, but Julie tells her to sit back down. She continues that she needs to know BULLIT better before she'll agree to marry him, and she's willing to do that. Hopefully, she can "grow to love" him. BULLIT is thrilled, but, BULLIT, man... you're a billionaire. No one, no matter what his income, should settle for someone who can only hope to "grow to love" him. But especially not a billionaire. Anyway, Kaitlin's really happy too, and that's pretty much why Julie did this. It's always nice when we can do something selfless that also nets us billions of dollars, isn't it, Julie? They all hug.
Outside, Kirsten has just broken the news to Ryan and Seth about the baby, and we didn't get to see that. Instead, we come in when they're reacting with twin "oh my god"s. Despite what they say, they look bored. Everyone hugs, and Seth says this news make his getting arrested thing seem trivial now. "You got WHAT?!" Kirsten says. "Thanks for prepping her, Dad," Seth says. Yes, because Seth should always be the first thing on everyone's mind. I love how he managed to turn this back to him. Seth and Ryan leave to pick up their respective girlfriends for the party, and where are we? It looks like everyone's standing in the middle of an airplane hangar. I guess those are supposed to be boats. Boats on wheels.
Summer hands Newport Chuck off to Bright and his new lady and apologizes to her for borrowing her costume and getting her arrested. The girl says it's fine since the mayor of Newport loves animals and gave them both amnesty. Not Seth though, it would seem. And she and Bright got to meet. Seth walks in and wishes Bright and the girl well on wherever they're going to release Newport Chuck, who should probably die of starvation within the month since he has no idea how to live in the wild after all those years of captivity.
Taylor flops down on her bed. Her phone rings and she answers it to some ridiculous heavy breathing and a guy asking her what she's wearing. Nice try, Ryan. He opens the door to her room and hangs up the phone. He says he needs a little more stalking practice, and Taylor says that was the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for her. Don't say that, Taylor! Now all the stalkers watching this show have been encouraged! They kiss, and Taylor says that the needing space thing was a stupid idea (way to suck, Therapist). Ryan says they can "work around it." Taylor can stalk Ryan to Kirsten's party, and then Ryan can stalk her home. They laugh and are cute together. Yay!
But not everyone gets to be happy. With a sad smile, Julie watches BULLIT and Kaitlin do a dance of joy and victory and get a little too close for what would be my comfort if I were Kaitlin's mom. She then looks over at all the other happy couples dancing together -- Sandy and Kirsten, Seth and Summer, and Ryan and Taylor -- just to rub it all in.
Outside, she calls her Mystery Man. Tearfully, she tells him that she can't see him tonight or ever again. She's back with BULLIT, and it's the best thing for her family, if not for her. Except that it totally is for her as well, especially since we cut to the Mystery Man, who wasn't all that much of a mystery since he was credited as a guest star in the beginning of the episode and since they were kind of together when he left town, and it's Frank. He says good-bye to Julie and stares at the engagement ring he was going to give her, which is puny and gross compared to BULLIT's. I don't think it's even an emerald cut. Are we supposed to feel sorry for him? Are we supposed to want Julie to end up with a guy who beats women? Whatever. There may be six more weeks of winter, but there's only four more weeks of this show left.