Summer tries to make up with Seth, but he's not in the mood. Che shows up and whisks Seth away on a spiritual journey, where Seth trips balls and finds his spirit animal (an otter, very cute). Seth returns feeling much better about himself and Summer, but he's not the only one who's made an astounding realization: Che had a dream where his spirit animal (a frog, probably not cute at all) got with an otter. So now Che has a thing for Seth. I think. It all freaks Julie out, who's returning home after a long day of tricking Kirsten into telling past clients that they may have caught the clap. This amoral scheme is Julie's way of making Kirsten forgive her for her amoral schemes. It works because Kirsten is too lonely to reject a friend. Ryan and Taylor are still having trouble, as Henri decides to stay in Newport permanently to win Taylor back. She'd rather be with someone who loves her even if she doesn't love him back than be with someone who can't love her as much as she needs him to, so she goes with it even though Ryan gives her a stuffed bear and writes her a poem. Lame, Taylor. Henri soon realizes that Taylor will never love him, and leaves town. Just when it looks like Taylor and Ryan are free to get back together again, she chooses herself. Lastly, Kaitlin has a run-in with one of Will's fellow band geeks who wants him all to herself. It's all fun and games until she ends up crying in the girl's bathroom.
Seth and Ryan have breakfast at the CoHouse. Seth complains that he and Summer are still dating after she broke off their engagement that neither of them wanted and both of them were trying to get out of. Ryan doesn't seem particularly concerned with Seth's stupid contrived relationship problems, as he has some real ones of his own. Meanwhile, in a cheesy split screen that gives me flashbacks to my 7th Heaven recapping days, Taylor is telling Summer that she's called Ryan seventeen times now and he hasn't returned any of her calls. Not that that stopped her from continuing to call. It's called a hint, Taylor. Get one. Ryan tells Seth that he'll call Taylor when he's "ready," and thinks that's fair enough since she lied to her "French ex-husband" about him. Do we have to keep calling him the "French ex-husband?" Isn't "ex-husband" enough of a qualifier? Seth tells Ryan to call Taylor back, saying she "doesn't respond well to neglect." You'd think she'd be used to it by now.
Summer's cell phone rings, but it's not Seth. It's Che, who Summer says is coming into town because he felt some "weird Seth vibes." It could just be a stomach bug, Bright. Might want to check on that before you come into town and continue to annoy me with your presence on this show. Speaking of people who continue to annoy me with their presence on this show, Henri-Michel calls Taylor. "Frenchie's really putting on the full-court press, huh?" Summer asks. Lest we forget that Henri-Michel is French. Taylor says she's rebuffed all of Henri-Miclueless' advances thus far. Summer wonders if Ryan's waiting to call Taylor until after Henri goes back to the "Motherland." What Motherland would that be, Summer? I just can't remember where Henri-Michel is from, as I haven't been reminded of it in the last five seconds. Ryan confirms to Seth that he is, indeed, waiting for Henri to leave. Taylor tells Summer that there's one small problem with that: Henri isn't leaving. He decided to rent a house in Newport, even though he hates it there, and wants Taylor to move in with him, even though she divorced his ass. Taylor's thinking of taking him up on the offer, since she's sick of mooching off of Summer and Julie (who is also mooching off of Summer, really) even though she hasn't seen fit to really do anything proactive about that like get a job. Way to follow those New Year's Resolutions, Miss Productive. She's hoping she can "force" herself to fall in love with Henri. Since, unlike Ryan, he's in love with her and has no problem saying it.
Summer stops by The Pav to talk to Ryan during another one of his endless shifts. They exchange their customary last-name greeting and Ryan recommends the "Macho Nacho Supreme" to Summer, which is sounds like a combination of the best menu items at Taco Bell and Del Taco. Which means it's either really, really good or really, really bad. Either way, it'll leave you feeling some weird Seth vibes afterwards. Summer asks Ryan how Seth is, saying that she hasn't heard from him since she broke off their engagement last week. Ryan feigns ignorance of this and says Seth's had pinkeye all week. Nice try, Ryan, but pinkeye doesn't make you unable to speak. Ryan says he was too busy helping Seth recover from his pinkeye to talk to Taylor. For those of you who don't know what pinkeye is, it's like the winning lottery ticket in elementary school. If you get pinkeye, you get to stay home from school and you don't even feel sick so you can enjoy the entire day. ["Unless you get pinkeye in the summer, not like that happened to me or that I'm at all bitter." -- Joe R] You take antibiotics and it clears up in no time. So much better than head lice, which requires all kinds of shampoos and the thought of bugs planting their eggs in your scalp. Ryan says he was also waiting for Henri-Michel to leave town to talk to Taylor, and Summer breaks the news that Henri will not be leaving town any time soon.
Seth stops by the Roberts Mansion to see Summer, but only finds Bright there, practicing Tai Chi. He offers Seth a fig -- "nature's biological response modifier" -- and asks him about the spiritual ills he can sense in Seth's aura. Bright tells Seth that he has been "emasculated" since Summer turned him down. Oh, please. In that relationship, Seth is constantly being emasculated and he seems to like it. But now Seth insists, with nostrils flared, that his masculinity is just fine, thanks for asking. Summer enters the room and is pleased to see that Seth's pinkeye has cleared up. Seth bluffs his way through it and then is ordered to go on a date with Summer. Seth exchanges high-fives with everyone in the room in the most masculine way he possibly can and leaves. Bright says Seth appears to be doing just fine, but Summer tells him not to leave town yet. Damn.
Henri and Taylor have a meal and look at plans for the house Henri wants to rent for them. How is mooching off of Henri okay but mooching off of Summer isn't? At least Summer knows where she stands with you, Taylor. Poor Henri is heading for a broken heart. Taylor says there are plenty of closets, to which Henri wonders why Americans are so obsessed with closets. "Is it a capitalist conspiracy to hide what you own so you can buy more?" he asks. What a philosopher. Is he supposed to be communist Russian now? Because last time I checked, France was just as capitalist as America and, in fact, had been since before America even existed. And loved clothes. In fact, France's interest in the New World was purely capitalist, as they saw all the furs they could trap there to export back to France to make fashionable clothes and accessories. Whatever. Henri says he will do "whatever it takes" to win back Taylor's love that he never really had in the first place. Taylor encourages him in this goal, but also brings up Ryan, who she still hasn't heard from and has given up on. She leads Henri on, saying it's good he came back into her life before she and Ryan got really serious. He tells her, in French, that he loves her. She certainly loves hearing it.
Over at Harbor, Kaitlin congratulates herself on getting her first A that she didn't have to cheat for. ChrisBrown notes that they didn't even get much studying done last night. He smiles, and... it's not a good look for him. Or maybe it would be, but that particular smile looks awkward and unnatural. Chris Brown, you are not an actor. And that's okay: you have a successful singing career. Please just stick to that. Anyway, there's one person who doesn't seem to mind ChrisBrown's smile, a girl who's giving Kaitlin a very obvious Evil Eye. Kaitlin heads over to find out what her problem is, and the girl starts gushing over ChrisBrown and his awesomeness at their latest band practice. ChrisBrown introduces Lucy to Kaitlin, and Lucy reminds ChrisBrown of Friday night's bake sale for new band uniforms, at which she and ChrisBrown will be manning the Rice Krispie Treats table. Okay, but isn't every table at a bake sale the Rice Krispie Treats table? Except for the Duncan Hines Brownie table and Tollhouse cookies table. But every other one. And, you guys... wouldn't it be great if one day, bands got all the uniforms they needed and the military had to hold a bake sale for theirs? Oh, except that they kinda already do since they have to buy their own bulletproof vests. ChrisBrown invites Kaitlin to the bake sale, but she says it sounds lame. They walk away, and we end the scene on Lucy glaring at Kaitlin while fingering her clarinet. Careful, Lucy: that much hostility can split the reed.
Kirsten mans the phones at New Match, and, amazingly, actually gets a call. It's not a client, of course, but Julie, begging for a second chance. Kirsten hangs up on her. Julie calls back and asks Kirsten if she got the "cookie bouquet" she sent her. Kirsten claims to be allergic to chocolate. She should donate it to the bake sale, then. Julie says their friendship "can't just end like this." Oh really? I think it can. If my best friend did something like that to me, you can bet our friendship would end like that. Although if that same best friend had also framed my adopted son for attempted murder and sent him on a murder mission to Mexico, she would have been dumped long ago. Anyway, Kirsten isn't having any of it. She hangs up on Julie and stares at the cookie bouquet, which is pretty ugly and doesn't seem to have any chocolate in it.
Ryan roars up to the Roberts mansion, where Kaitlin is practicing her skateboard moves in the driveway while wearing a very skateboarding-friendly outfit of tight pants, a long, almost-dress-length shirt, and a cropped short-sleeve sweater. Major grindage, Kaitlin. Ryan wants to see Taylor, but Kaitlin says Taylor can now be found at the Four Seasons. In Henri's room. That'd be enough for me to say "fudge it," drive home, and forget Taylor ever existed, but not Ryan. He sighs and says he'll head over there, but Kaitlin stops him, saying that he'd better go bearing gifts, since "Pepe Le Pew" is buying her that house and all. He's just renting it, Kaitlin. Not buying. Don't make it look like he's smart enough to take advantage of the current buyer's market. She recommends stopping by the Quik-E-Mart and picking up one of those stuffed animals with the gummy bears. "Talk is cheap, Ryan," she warns. Well, so is that stuffed animal from Quik-E-Mart, Kaitlin.
Summer welcomes Seth to their date, which will be taking place in her bedroom. Seth applauds her for saving gas money (as well as set-building money), and she opens the door to a room full of Seth's Favorite Things: Thai take-out, video games, and "whiny records." There's also Summer, who tells Seth she still loves him and may not be ready to get married now, but will be someday. Which was all Seth wanted out of their engagement in the end, but whatever. Seth wants to forget that ever happened, but Summer can't let it go, saying that Seth was "so cute" when he proposed to her and basically talking to him like he's a little boy. An emasculated little boy, that is. Seth says he feels hot and wonders if the air conditioner is broken. Summer points out that it's winter, not that that stopped Sandy from surfing or those people in one of the opening location-establishing montages from jet-skiing. He leaves to get a glass of water, almost running out of the room.
He finds Bright downstairs, unfurling a rug for god knows what purpose, and says he was right about Seth's aura. Bright says he can fix him. The "healing" will start tomorrow morning.
That Carl's Jr. commercial with the two Philly cab drivers talking about the Philly Cheesesteak Burger is absolutely disgusting. Two greasy, dirty, ratty-looking guys talking with their mouths full does not exactly give me an appetite. It's even less appealing than their commercial with the really sweaty guy eating the jalepeño burger and looking like every single bite of it was absolute agony. Of course, those are both better than the Carl's Jr. commercial with Paris Hilton. What I'm saying is, Carl's Jr. may want to hire a new ad agency. One that knows how to make their food and the people who eat it look appealing.
The day, Summer leaves a message for Seth saying she hopes he's feeling better after that "crazy 24-hour flu thing" he came down with yesterday and also, she doesn't believe he even had the flu. She finds a note on the kitchen island from Bright. Of course, when she reads it, Bright's voiceover comes on along with the featured track from "Pure Moods 3." Bright says Seth needs to fix his aura and "embrace his inner warrior" by "running with the wolves." Running with the wolves would make me embrace my inner "shit my pants in terror," but different strokes for different folks.
We cut to Bright and Seth getting their camping bags together and leaving the truck for an aura-repairing hike. Seth wants to bring his cell phone, but Bright says they're good with his harmonica and their giant backpacks. They start walking as Bright voiceovers to Summer that she might want to use this time to find her own path. "Oh, crap," Summer says. Hey, Summer, you're the one who told him not to leave. Now you've subjected all of us to wasting one of the last remaining episodes on camping misadventures. You're the last person who gets to complain about it.
Ryan has waited until the day to finally stop by the Four Seasons. He shows up with a Quik-E-Mart bear in hand, but Henri answers the door. Ryan hastily hides the gift behind his back as Henri tells Ryan that if he's here to beat him up, he should know that his family is hemophilic, so he "will bleed." Because everyone in Europe who is distantly related to a royal family has hemophilia. Ryan says he's only here to see Taylor, but Henri says she's out shopping for furniture for their new love nest, which they'll be moving into on Monday. Ryan tells him to tell her that he stopped by, and then Henri notices the bear behind Ryan's back. He coos over the stuffed bear and the gummy bears it's holding, and Ryan feels like an ass. He should; that bear is holding a balloon that says "thanks" on one side and "you're appreciated" on the other. You're supposed to give that kind of thing to the secretary you don't really like on National Secretary's Day, not to the girl you're trying to win back. Henri grabs it and promises to give it to Taylor, even though it is a "tad juvenile." It even inspires Henri to write a poem! Here's hoping Henri decides to make like Sylvia Plath and sticks his head in the oven.
Spencer calls into NewMatch looking for Julie. He's shot at a weird low angle so we can't see where he's calling from but we get a great view of the inside of his nose and the sky above him. Kirsten's all annoyed, even though you know she hasn't had anything else to do all day so you'd think she'd at least be grateful for the distraction. She tells Spencer to call Julie at her home, but Spencer says he can't because he's in Mexico and about to get on a boat. I'm not sure why that means he can't call Julie, but whatever. He says they have a problem: one of the man-whores got Chlamydia. They'll have to call all of his clients and tell them to be on the look-out for Chlamydia symptoms, which you can look up for yourselves if you're that curious. I would think that people sleeping with man-whores would take it upon themselves to use protection and get STD tests semi-regularly anyway. And surely NewMatch made them sign some kind of waiver releasing NewMatch from any responsibility for diseases caught during the rendering of services. Kirsten freaks and says that Spencer and Julie will have to sort this out themselves, but Spencer points out that he's out of the country and Julie is fired, so it's just Kirsten's problem now. She can get the list from Julie.
Kaitlin does her make-up in the school bathroom. She soon has company: Lucy and two of her bandmates saunter in for a confrontation. They're decked out in full band uniform, too, and one of them is still carrying around her giant tuba. Not really sure what she's planning to do with that, but okay. Lucy lays down the law: "Listen, skank," she begins, "if you show up at our bake sale, I'll kick your face in." Lucy has a brown belt in Tae Kwon Do because she's Asian. Lucy is also all of three feet tall, so she's not as scary she thinks she is. Short women aren't scary no matter how good they are at martial arts. I should know: I am one, and never once has a physical threat of mine scared anyone. It's really frustrating. Kaitlin rubs it in that she's "getting to second" with the guy Lucy likes. "We see your face tomorrow, you will regret it!" says a Lacey-Chabert-looking girl holding a trumpet. Kaitlin laughs at this and says that she wasn't planning to go to the bake sale before, but she is now. Great plan, Band Geeks. I mean, just look at Kaitlin: obviously, that girl isn't eating cookies or cakes or much of anything. No way was she going to that bake sale before you guys promised it would be so awesome with the threat of violence and such.
Taylor returns to the hotel room saying she's sick of shopping. Henri suggests sex, but Taylor saw the same Dateline special we all did where they looked at hotel sheets and bathrooms with UV lights and found them covered in sperm and feces. So, no. "Oh, you Americans and your germs!" Henri scoffs. Yeah, well, at least we don't have rampant outbreaks of MRSA in our hospitals. Or at least, not as many as you do. I'm surprised when Henri actually gives Taylor Ryan's gift. I figured he would throw it away and not tell Taylor about it. He even says that the bear has a "sweet smile" and asks Taylor if it makes her feel anything. Taylor says it makes her feel "nothing" and throws it out. Not even appreciated? She should at least feel appreciated. She might also want to feel like crap, since she's kind of leading two guys on right now for no other reason than to feel desirable and loved.
Julie is super-thrilled to get a call from Kirsten, who coldly informs her that Chaz got the clap. "That's rough," Julie sympathizes. Enh, I doubt it's pleasant, but it's better than certain other STDs, like herpes or HIV. Julie says she'll drop the list of Chaz's clients off tomorrow, but that's not good enough for Kirsten: she wants Julie to tell the women about their potential STD herself. Julie reminds her that she no longer works at NewMatch, so this is no longer her problem. But she will agree to a compromise: if Kirsten drives, Julie will do the informing. Kirsten agrees to this obvious ploy to get them back together.
Summer's on the phone with Taylor, begging her to visit the Roberts house because Summer's cooking dinner for her. Taylor finally agrees to it after Summer tells her that she made a brisket that was "delightful," and Summer hangs up. We then see that Ryan's in the room with her, and there is no dinner: Ryan just needed a way to talk to Taylor without Henri so he could "tell her how [he] feel[s]." And he couldn't do that by calling her himself and inviting her over? Whatever. Summer doubts Ryan will express anything, reminding him that that's not exactly his forte. He says he doesn't have a choice if he wants to get Taylor back, even though he really doesn't owe her anything since she's the one who hurt him by lying about him to Henri-Michel. She gives Ryan some advice for what to do when he sees Taylor, even accompanying it with a physical demonstration: "do not choke!" I guess the sight of Summer wrapping her hands around Ryan's neck while he struggles to breathe is supposed to be funny.
Seth and Bright's hike of Deliverance continues. Seth whines and wants to go home, but Bright informs him that he has other plans: Seth's spirit animal is sick, and they'll need to spend the night in the woods to heal it. Bright picks out a "sacred spot" and starts going to work building a sweat lodge. Seth protests, but he doesn't have a choice: the car is too far away to get back to before night falls. Upon hearing this, Seth slaps Bright across the face. Way to get your masculinity back, Seth. That was, like, the most girly slap ever. Bright just grins maniacally and tells Seth to get some willow branches. "I brought hides!" he proudly proclaims.
Taylor arrives at the Roberts house, only to find Ryan there. He tells her that Summer lied to get her here so he could apologize to her. Taylor is not in a forgiving mood, which is fine because I'm not sure what Ryan's supposed to apologize to her for. She has a couple suggestions: "abandoning [her] on the set of a French talk show" and not returning her phone calls. She says he hurt her and doesn't know why he couldn't have just "had faith" in them. Well, he did, Taylor. Until he found out that you lied about him to Henri because you apparently didn't have any in him. Ryan keeps on, though, saying that what they feel for each other is more important than what they may or may not have in common. Taylor asks him what, exactly, he feels for her. Uh oh. "I... " Ryan says. That's the best he can do. Taylor says the stuffed bear was more expressive and that Henri-Michel is reading a poem at the bookstore tomorrow all about how much he loves her. "And it's long," she says. But is it thick? Because that's equally -- some would say even more -- important. She leaves, and Ryan looks sad. I think. But he shouldn't. He's obviously dodged a real bullet here. Taylor can't accept him for who he is. Someone else will.
During what appears to be the day, Seth is poked awake by Bright, who orders him to gather rocks. Seth says he hasn't slept or eaten, but Bright says that's all a part of the process. I think that's the process of dying.
Kirsten watches Julie and some man-whore-loving woman hug good-bye and part on suspiciously friendly terms. Julie says the woman just took the news about possibly getting the clap well, but Kirsten's not so sure. She marches up to her and whispers the truth in Fiona's ear. Whoa, boy, is Fiona pissed! Even though Kirsten says Julie will pay for all of her medical costs (with what money?), Fiona angrily asks them "what kind of unclean operation" they're running. I believe it's an escort service, Fiona. Where you pay hot young guys to have sex with you. What did you expect? "You'll be hearing from my lawyer!" she says. Ha! I'd love to see that! That's like complaining to the police that the weed your dealer sold you is all stems. Julie swears to Kirsten that she'll tell the woman for real. Or they could get manicures! I don't think Kirsten wants a manicure.
Taylor invites herself into Summer's bedroom to ask her what a bunch of famous traitors all have in common with Summer. "We all did what we thought was right," Summer immediately responds. Taylor's not having it, but Summer turns the conversation back to herself and the good works she's decided to do for animals with the non-profit organization she's starting up. Taylor turns it right back around, though, saying that speaking of animals, Ryan bought her a gross teddy bear from Quik-E-Mart. Summer's reaction isn't quite what she expected, though. Instead of sharing her disgust, Summer is shocked that Ryan got Taylor something. She says he's never done anything "so sweet" in all the time she's known him. An "I've made a big mistake" expression crosses Taylor's face as Summer continues that the bear was probably "the nicest gift" Ryan has ever given. What about that necklace Marissa threw in a drawer? No one appreciates Ryan. Someone should give him a bear with a "you're appreciated!" balloon. Taylor runs off.
Welcome to the show, Sandy! Good to see you, even though over a half hour had to pass first. Ryan pulls up to the beach parking lot right beside Sandy, who's just putting his surfboard away after a long morning of pretending to surf. Ryan tells Sandy about his latest romantic woes, and what is going on with the camera right now? They keep cutting to one-shots of Sandy and Ryan who are a little too close to the camera, which circles around them and moves towards and away from their faces at random. Do we really need to get artsy in the middle of a TV show? Stop this. Anyway, Ryan tells Sandy that he can't compete with Henri as he tells Taylor he loves her and writes poems and books to that effect. Ryan doesn't know if he loves Taylor, but he does think being with her is like "being on a rollercoaster." Which doesn't exactly sound great, but Sandy urges Ryan to tell Taylor how he feels. "Do something!" he says. I think Sandy needs to turn around and tell this whole episode to fucking do something, too. Is it over yet?
No, it isn't. Taylor rushes back to the hotel room and desperately searches the wastebasket for Ryan's bear. Henri's there, of course, and he asks Taylor if she wants the bear or the guy who gave it to her. "I want to be with somebody who really wants to be with me. And who's not afraid to say it," she answers. Desperate-to-French-to-English translation: Henri, she doesn't love you. She just loves the fact that you love her. That's not enough.
Bright heats some rocks to put in the sweat lodge. Seth says he isn't feeling hungry anymore since he found and ate some berries. Bright chuckles at this in a most ominous fashion. You know who isn't laughing? Me.
Bake Sale. Kaitlin shows up to find ChrisBrown regaling Lucy and her gang with a story about how he lost his drumsticks once but was able to use chopsticks in a pinch. And for the rest of the year, everyone wondered why the snare drum smelled like Kung Pao chicken. Kaitlin sends ChrisBrown off to get her a soda so she can have a little chat with Lucy. ChrisBrown senses nothing amiss about this and leaves. Kaitlin tells Lucy that she's only here to piss Lucy off while Lucy's gang surrounds Kaitlin. "You're in our world now!" they threaten. Kaitlin asks what their world is besides girls wearing gross polyester uniforms with lame hats. ChrisBrown returns and asks if something's wrong. Lucy takes that opportunity to tattle to him about how Kaitlin was making fun of their uniforms. ChrisBrown has no choice but to side with Kaitlin, since she lets him feel her up. He says that their uniform hats are kind of lame, and Lucy suddenly has to go to the bathroom. I don't know what she's so upset about: band uniforms are lame. Always. It doesn't mean you don't like band. I was in high school band (for one year and then I got cool, okay?) and we had to wear hats with a big red feather that was so crappy and cheap that you had to take it out of the hat anytime it rained because it would leak red dye when it got wet and you'd ruin your hat. Also, we weren't allowed to take any part of our uniforms off at any time (even on the bus ride home!) or cover them with a jacket. Instead, we had to sit there for an entire three-hour football game in the middle of winter and freeze to freaking death, or else get a demerit. You also got demerits if you were absent from class, even if that absence was because you were legitimately sick. Wow, band was like the worst thing ever. I'm so glad I quit and took that ceramics class instead, where you'd get an A+ for making a pipe. I could raise my GPA AND get high!
In the sweat lodge, Bright plays a drum while Seth does a chant and looks pretty out of it. He says he feels like he "sharing a sauna with the Blue Man Group," although I'm pretty sure that would at least involve marshmallows and be more entertaining, so, not really, Seth. "You're in the spirit world, man!" Bright says. "Spirit World" is apparently what the college kids are calling "totally tripping" these days. "This is the very last part of your journey," Bright says. "Ryan likes Journey," Seth mutters. Hee. That almost redeemed this scene for me.
We get to see inside of Seth's berry-addled mind. He walks through the CoHouse calling out for his parents or Ryan. No one's there, but something is making noise. He heads for his bedroom, where he finds the fake-looking backyard set. Something is swimming in the pool. I thought it was a little seal, but it's actually an otter. It's really cute. Seth and the otter have a conversation, which is also cute. Seth says he can help the otter feel better and get back with his otter friends. And then the dream/fantasy/trip ends and Seth is back at the sweat lodge. He rouses Bright from whatever spirit animal journey thing he was on and tells him he healed his spirit animal and can go home to Summer. Okay, whatever. I'm just going to go with it and hope it's over soon. Even the episode of Star Trek: Voyager where Chakotay did almost the same thing with Janeway was better than this. Although that was mostly because her spirit animal turned out to be a lizard and she was so pissed to get such a sucky one. Seth tells Bright that his spirit animal was an otter that was "so cute." Bright finds that very interesting.
And Henri finishes his poetry reading to much applause from the several female attendees, some of whom are even wiping tears from their eyes. One of them mutters to Taylor that she would give "anything" to have a man write a poem like that for her. All Taylor had to give up was her dignity and my like for her, so I'm sure you've got a chance, Random Lady! Ryan's at the reading, too, and announces that it is not over yet. He whips a piece of paper out of his pocket while fun duel-y music plays. "I have a poem, too," he says. He doesn't have a sexy French accent, though.
And Julie Cooper's doing commercials for National Mentoring Month. Stay tuned for month, when C.O. Bellick tells us about the importance of Black History Month!
After the break, the book store lady tries to kick Ryan off stage, but Henri wants to hear what "the boy has to say." While Taylor stands in the Michael Crichton section and bites her nails, Ryan begins. And then stops in the middle of, saying he can't do it. But Taylor grabs the poem from him and reads the rest of it. Here it is, in its entirety:
"L__e Poem for Taylor"
by Ryan Atwood
A sonnet, I don't know how to write.
A haiku -- five, seven, five -- seems too tight.
Then there are three little words I'm not able to say,
but Taylor, this is what I can tell you today:
though I can't say those words to you tonight,
please stick with me, 'cause I feel someday I might.
The audience "aw's" and even the evil book store lady has to admit it's "not too bad." She looks around for Henri, who's supposed to sign copies of his book, but he's gone. Ryan apologizes to Taylor for not being able to write a poem as good as Henri, but he wanted her to know how he felt. Taylor says she loved the poem, but now she needs to go find Henri. Bye!
Julie and Kirsten stop by the Yacht Club for dinner, where they meet Spencer, who is an idiot. Turns out he's not in Mexico after all. Julie put him up to lying to Kirsten about the Chlamydia so that Julie and Kirsten would have a chance to hang out. And with that, he decides to leave. Kirsten takes a seat at the bar, but no one finds that alarming since Kirsten's alcoholism was so two years ago. Julie apologizes, but says she couldn't think of any other way to spend time with Kirsten and convince her to forgive her for lying and scheming behind her back, other than lying and scheming behind her back. And, she adds, those women they told about the Chlamydia may well have it, plus they're mean and deserve the scare. Way to set Kirsten up for having to tell "the five meanest women in Newport" that her clients might have given them the clap. That should be enough right there for Kirsten to never want to speak to Julie again. But no, she just insists that Julie call the women back up tomorrow and tell them they don't have an STD after all. But I guess it's okay to let them worry about it overnight. Julie asks if she can please not tell Linda, who apparently deserves a little pain in her life.
Kaitlin tracks Lucy down in the bathroom. Of course, Lucy is crying over losing ChrisBrown. Kaitlin shows a surprising softer side and says she's sorry that ChrisBrown doesn't like Lucy the way Lucy likes him, but that's no reason for Lucy to hate Kaitlin. Lucy says ChrisBrown is the most wonderful, sensitive, sweet guy who ever lived, and Kaitlin doesn't even appreciate him. Kaitlin says she does appreciate ChrisBrown, especially his hotness and kissing abilities. Lucy points out that Kaitlin makes fun of all the things that make ChrisBrown the way he is: band, bake sales, band geek friends, etc. "That's what I do. I mean, I make fun of everyone. Usually 'cause I'm high," Kaitlin says. Dude, when and how did Kaitlin become my favorite person on this show? I thought she was going to suck so bad when I heard she was joining the cast for this season, but she's been great. So was Taylor until she pulled this little stunt. "You make him not want to be himself," Lucy accuses. That hits a little too close to home for Kaitlin, who turns cold and tells Lucy to shut up. Lucy should shut up, too. Kaitlin was trying to be nice. And Lucy started it. It sucks when your crush likes someone else, Lucy, but deal with it like everyone else in your school has to. Including Kaitlin, actually. And her crush liked her mother over her, which has got to be worse. Kaitlin returns to the bake sale and watches ChrisBrown laughing with his band geek friends and apparently proving Lucy right. Whatever; it's not Kaitlin's fault if ChrisBrown changes his personality just to suit his girlfriend.
Taylor comes back to the hotel to find Henri gone. He left Ryan's bear gift and a note for her. The note says he loves her, but he loves love more. And he doesn't want to be alone in it. He should have realized that when she left his ass four months ago, but better late than never. Au revoir, Henri. Don't let zee door hit you on zee way out.
Sandy reappears in the episode to heat up some dinner in the microwave while talking to Kirsten on the phone. Kirsten says she's having dinner with Julie, and that she may be the "most manipulative, scheming partner in the world," but she's a good friend. Or at least, as Sandy phrases it, "the best friend [Kirsten's] got." And she is that. She's also the only friend Kirsten's got. There's no one else in the opening credits for Kirsten to choose from, so she's stuck with her. Besides, the last time Kirsten tried to make a new friend, we wound up with 7 'n' 7. Better stick with Julie, Kirsten (you doormat).
Kirsten and ChrisBrown take a walk on the beach. ChrisBrown volunteers to ditch tomorrow night's hot bake sale action to spend more time with Kaitlin, but she rather meanly says that the bake sale can't get along without ChrisBrown, since he's the "King of Dorks." Which is much dorkier than being a Professor of Dorkonomics. In fact, now that she's seen how dorky ChrisBrown really is, she thinks he'd be much better with Lucy, whose body is hot "for a dork." She's going to go down to the surf and play with the Ward twins now. "I'll see you around?" she asks. "Nah," ChrisBrown says. Hey, you know what's really dorky? Saying "no" instead of "nah." I would have bought this storyline a lot more if they had cast someone who could play a convincing dork. Even one of those nerd stereotypes on Saved By The Bell would have been more effective. And why is Kaitlin doing this? To help Lucy, who tries to get what she wants by threatening to hurt people? To help ChrisBrown by not letting him abandon his dorky roots? Let people make their own decisions, Kaitlin. Noble effort, though. And we'll never have to see ChrisBrown again, so I'm happy.
Julie returns home to find Bright meditating on the kitchen island. He starts talking about his dream in the sweat lodge. He was his spirit animal, a frog, in it. "Oh god, we've gotta change the locks," Julie says. She's the only sensible person on this show. Other people humor Bright and allow him into their homes and even let him bring them deep into the woods with no food and inadequate supplies. But not Julie. She's going to change the locks.
Seth enters Summer's bedroom with a healed spirit animal and the desire for sex.
Bright keeps telling Julie about his dream even though the expression on her face is equal parts disgust and horror. Bright was swimming around and splashing and having the best time ever because he found his other half -- an otter.
Summer loves otters, and has decided that her foundation will focus on saving them.
Julie doesn't seem to approve of Bright's love for otters. He says dreams don't lie, and now he just has to explain everything to the otter. So... Bright is gay now? Or he's decided he must be gay since he had a dream with an otter and Seth is an otter? Because he never apparently had any feelings for Seth before the dream, based on how he's saying it "sounds crazy." I wouldn't mind seeing a storyline where a guy is in love with Seth, but not Bright. And not like this.
Seth, on the other hand, isn't gay at all. He and Summer make out.
And now it's time to wrap up the Ryan/Taylor stuff. Taylor finds Ryan sitting by the outside fireplace. She tells him that Henri went back to France because he knew that Taylor didn't love him and never would. Ryan's hopeful that this means that he and Taylor are back on, but no! Taylor says that she realized that the words "I love you" have a scary amount of power over her. Too much power, and she thinks she should get stronger on her own before she can be with Ryan again. Yeah, she does. That's a pretty consistent character trait we've seen with Taylor -- her need to be loved -- and we've also seen exactly why she has it. Her mother and father totally suck. I don't know if she needs to break up with Ryan over it, but at least she can be honest enough with herself and care enough about Ryan to do it instead of dragging him through her emotional ups and downs. Unlike some girlfriends he's had. Ryan doesn't seem all that upset about it for someone who cared enough about her to write her a poem. He just says it makes sense. She says she'll "treasure" the bear "forever." Better eat those gummy bears soon, though. They'll get stale.
And Bright stares at a picture of Seth and considers his options. Ugh.