Everybody screws everything up this week, as Henri-Michel finally makes an appearance in town after a fictional book based on his time with Taylor Townsend burns up the French bestseller charts and gets an English printing. It's amazing what you can accomplish in, like, three months. Ryan meets Henri and realizes that Henri and Taylor have a lot of boring French intellectualism stuff in common, and he feels left out. But then Sandy tells him that you don't have to have everything in common with someone for a relationship to work, and Ryan thinks about getting back with Taylor, but doesn't actually act on it. Lame, Ryan.
Meanwhile, Summer hangs out with some old classmates-turned-Newpsieweds and apparently drinks an absinthe/champagne cocktail, because girl was hallucinating. Seth goes to Seattle to ask Dr. Neil for Summer's hand in marriage and make fun of Grey's Anatomy. But when Dr. Neil says no, Seth realizes that he really does want to marry Summer sometime in the distant future. He tells Summer this, but she's gone all weird from the hallucinations and gives Seth his ring back while she goes off to find herself. Kaitlin hangs out with ChrisBrown until he Just Says No when she offers him weed. Kirsten does a little undercover work to finally wise up to the fact that Julie's running a prostitution ring under her nose. Despite Julie's claims that she became a madam by accident, Kirsten kicks her out of NewMatch.
Taylor Townsend and Ryan walk out of El Pavo Guapo, and I refuse to keep spelling out the entire name of that place. I'm calling it "The Pav" from now on. Okay. Anyway, Ryan's just on his break, since he never actually gets to leave work ever, but Taylor Townsend stopped by to give him a Valentine's Day present even though the it's three weeks away. Bad move, Taylor Townsend. You guys haven't been dating long enough for you even to assume you'll be exchanging gifts on V-day, let alone exchanging them three weeks early. Let alone the gift you gave Ryan, which is a homemade scrapbook of pictures she took of Ryan when he wasn't looking. That's creepy, Taylor. "I had no idea I was under surveillance," Ryan says, hinting that Taylor might want to back on off. But she just says she's "clocking" his "every move." Taylor does worry that it might be "too much" after a while, but then is distracted by a display in the nearby bookstore window and leaves Ryan to check it out. And what it is is a display for a book called A Season For Peaches written by one Henri-Michel de Momourant, who we're supposed to remember is Taylor's ex-husband. And there are a lot of copies for sale.
Taylor rushes into the bookstore and asks a worker what the deal is with this book. He says it's a English translation of the latest French bestseller and is "The Bridges of Madison County meets The Notebook meets porn." That book could not possibly appeal to anyone. Except, apparently, all of France. Anyway, it's obvious that this fictional novel is based on Taylor and Henri-Michel's time together. I'm guessing there's only one page of print and the rest of the book is blank, because they were only together for, like, three seconds. That would also explain how Henri-Michel had time to write the whole thing, get it published, and then hit the French bestseller lists and have enough of an impact to warrant an English printing in just three and a half months.
The morning at the Poolhouse, Ryan hands Seth a neck pillow to use on flight to Seattle. Ryan needs look into wearing something different. I'm sure it's great for the wardrobe department to only have to buy him tight black T-shirts, but this is getting ridiculous. I know it's The Pav's uniform, but you'd think there'd be some variety. A long sleeve shirt once in a while never killed anyone. Anyway, Seth's plan for Dr. Neil in Seattle is to get him to reject Seth's proposal and then Seth gets off scot-free. Since if your father says you can't marry a guy, then you can't. Even if you're an adult. Because we all live in medieval England now. Sigh. All Seth has to do is remind Dr. Neil that he's that "skinny sixteen-year-old boy trying to seduce his daughter." With that, Seth takes off and Taylor Townsend just waltzes on into the Cohen's kitchen. She needs to talk.
Cut to Taylor pacing around the Poolhouse as she tells Ryan all about the new "sexual epic" she's starring in. It's been banned in Texas, she says. Big deal. What book hasn't been banned in Texas? Besides the Bible. "Your ex-husband wrote this about you," Ryan says, just now catching on. Taylor explains that it's not a memoir, it's a novel. "There's a big difference. Ask James Frey," she says. I thought James Frey would be the last person to know the difference there, but I guess Taylor has hope that he learned his lesson. Taylor asks Ryan not to read the book. He says he hasn't read a romance novel before and he's not going to start. Taylor is relieved, but at the same time... I don't think he would've read that book or even known about its existence if you hadn't told him, Taylor. And if he had, he probably wouldn't have even guessed it was about you. Now he does. Way to go. Ryan jokes that he might see the movie version, but Taylor says they'd have to make a porno. Now Ryan's more interested in that book than ever.
Julie's going over possible gigolos for a client with Spencer BULLET when Kirsten strolls in and the conversation must end. Kirsten comes bearing coffees, because I'm pretty sure that's all she does at NewMatch. Julie kicks Spencer out and hides the gigolo pictures in an accounting book where she's sure Kirsten will never see them since it isn't a coffee menu. Julie claims that Spencer was just there to help her move furniture, which Kirsten finds a little strange since no furniture has actually been moved. Julie must have a really low opinion of Kirsten's intelligence to have tried that excuse.
Summer continues to pretend she's getting married and is reading through a bridal magazine when Taylor walks in. She's resigned herself to getting married since Seth is talking to her father, and I enjoyed this little storyline last week because Seth and Summer were cute and funny together, but this week they aren't together and I'm sick of it. This is stupid. Since Taylor's own marriage disaster isn't enough to convince Summer that this is a mistake, she suggests that Summer contact former classmate Holly, the symbol of all that is wrong with people in Newport. Holly is married now, and I'm not sure how getting married out of high school is supposed to be some big status symbol for the upwardly mobile. It smacks of trailer parks, accidental pregnancies, and divorce to me, but I guess someone like Holly doesn't have enough depth to really need to spend much time finding out who she is before deciding to spend her life with someone else. Summer sees a copy of A Season for Peaches in Taylor's bag and says she's been reading that book even though it only just came into town and looks boring. "This is dirty," Summer says. Taylor protests that the lead girl just has a "healthy sex drive." "Yeah, for a hooker," Summer laughs. Taylor gets all offended and grabs the book away from Summer, saying as she exits the room "she was just young and confused, okay?" Hee hee hee.
Down at The Pav, Ryan bristles when he sees a male customer reading A Season for Peaches at the bar. Yeah, right. What guy would be caught dead reading that book? Guys don't need to read "erotic fiction." They have actual porn for that. Men have porn and women have romance novels. This book is both, and therefore appeals to neither. Sandy plops down to the guy even though there's plenty of room at the bar (I guess Sandy likes invading personal space unnecessarily) and immediately orders shrimp tacos. Hilariously, Louis the Chef knows that it must be "Señor Cohen's" order, probably since no one else eats the shrimp tacos. Sandy sees the book in the guy's hands and says that Kirsten is reading it, too. Sandy and the guy start comparing notes about "page 47" and how hot it is until Ryan informs them that the book is about Taylor, which I'm sure Taylor would rather people didn't know. Then again, she's been telling everyone about it so maybe not. Anyway, I'll bet Sandy won't be able to look at Taylor the same way again during family dinners.
ChrisBrown tutors Kaitlin on American history for some reason. Kaitlin has learned a lot about women's suffrage, but also points out that some of the women who led the movement are fat and not very attractive. This from someone whose contribution to society thus far has been to steal clothes meant for Darfur refugees. ChrisBrown quizzes Kaitlin on the material and she passes, which is easy since the book is open in front of her and she's totally looking at it. Anyway, she's really impressed with herself and grateful to ChrisBrown for his help. So much so that she asks him out. "You axing me out?" ChrisBrown asks. Dude, seriously. Learn to speak. You know how to sing, right? This is like that, except without notes. Jesus. "Axing." Why not also mention that the school "liberry" will be closed in "Febooary?" Doesn't this show have people on the set to make sure the actors speak clearly and pronounce things halfway right? ChrisBrown "axepts" Kaitlin's invitation to hang out at her house tomorrow night. He leaves and the Wards enter. They call ChrisBrown "the professor of Dorkonomics" and say he should teach "Dorkology 101." Ha! Go Wards! Kaitlin says ChrisBrown isn't a dork, but they have proof to back up their statements: ChrisBrown is smart and doesn't play water polo. In my school, playing water polo didn't make you all that cool. Of course, we didn't have a pool, either, so maybe it's different at Harbor. The Wards make fun of Kaitlin for liking ChrisBrown and then start going on about how greasy Elizabeth Cady Stanton's hair looks. We may not have had water polo in my high school, but I've also never known a heterosexual teenage guy who cared about how greasy some woman's hair was either.
Summer looks through Holly's wedding album. Holly says being married is great because you work out in the morning and then shop the rest of the day with your other married friends. Holly says the group calls themselves "the Newpsyweds." "Can you even handle how cute that is?" she asks Summer. Summer cannot. Holly says she's arranged for them to all hang out at lunch tomorrow, and Summer has to admit that it will be nice to spend time hanging out with a group of girls her own age. Holly then finds Pancakes and starts playing with his ears, which Summer objects to.
Ryan walks past a store with a sign advertising Big Korea's newest album (English translation of the title: I Had A Threesome With Some Girl And My Cousin) to check out the A Season for Peaches display. He can't help but go inside the store and see the book for himself, only to discover that Henri-Michel is actually in the store this very minute for a book signing! And you know it's Henri-Michel because French-y accordian music plays. Henri-Michel is not as hot or young as I thought he would be. He offers to sign Ryan's book and asks who to make it out to. "Taylor," Ryan says.
Taylor stops by the Poolhouse with coffee the morning. She doesn't knock before entering, so she sees A Season for Peaches on Ryan's bed. He enters, sweaty and hot from a jog, and admits to reading the book and meeting Henri-Michel last night. "Dirty hair, scarf, smells like Brie," Ryan describes him. Because all French people are unwashed, cold, and eat cheese. I'm surprised Ryan didn't mention the baguette crumbs stuck in Henri-Michel's beard or the overall impression he got from Henri-Michel that if a German guy challenged him to a fight, Henri-Michel would curl up in a fetal position and surrender. And then a British and an American guy would fight the German guy for him and win, but Henri-Michel would still think he was better than the British and the American guy and not be at all grateful for their help. But anyway, Ryan apologizes for reading the book after telling Taylor he wouldn't, but admits it was weird seeing Henri-Michel in person. Taylor notices that Ryan won't even look her in the eye. He says he has to shower and go to work. Taylor is pissed at Henri-Michel.
Seth arrives in Seattle, which we know because of the establishing shot of the Space Needle. I'm sure there's more to Seattle than that Space Needle, but according to television, there isn't. Dr. Neil is there, and I was kind of hoping I was never going to have to see him again, but his time away from the show has improved his appearance, so that's good. His hair is shorter, and he's not so puffy. Seth says he's in town for more than a game of golf: he's "thinking about" marrying Summer. He presents the idea to Dr. Neil as if it's just a stupid whim. When Dr. Neil asks Seth if he loves Summer, Seth just says she's "cool" and "pretty easy on the eyes." Dr. Neil suspects that Summer is pregnant, but Seth says she isn't. Although they thought she might be. With that, Dr. Neil gets a call and has to go, as the hospital has just admitted "a man who's been impaled by what appears to be a unicorn." Seth's reaction to that is a breathless "unicorns!" that is awesome. Dr. Neil leaves, promising to talk more about this with Seth tomorrow, as unicorn impalements apparently take plastic surgeons the entire day and night to deal with.
Taylor Townsend somehow knows where Henri is staying and makes a visit. He is happy to see her, but she is not happy to see him because he smells bad. "Bathing is for the bourgeois," Henri scoffs. Have we exhausted all the stereotypes about French people yet? Well, I'm pretty sure their love of Jerry Lewis hasn't been mentioned yet, so no. But we're pretty close. Why, exactly, isn't Henri wearing a beret right now? He asks Taylor why she's offended, like, duh, Henri. He says he doesn't want to be in Newport, but his publishing company made him do it. He hates it here because of all the "banal" sunshine and the "clean" and "passionless" people. Oh my god. Just because Europeans may not have the same OCD-ish need to be clean all the time doesn't mean that they resent people who do. And are we supposed to think France doesn't have sunshine? It's not England. It's plenty sunny in France. I know because I've been there, which is more than I can say for Daughter of Regis (Writer of Crap) and probably the actor playing Henri-Michel. Taylor tells Henri that she has met someone new and will not lose him because of Henri's book. Why should Henri care? Didn't Taylor pretty much abandon him and run away to America? I like Taylor and all, but that was not one of her shining moments. It was mean. Fortunately for her, Henri is a two-dimensional French stereotype and not a real person with feelings. He offers to have dinner with Ryan and Taylor so that Ryan won't feel so threatened by him. That sounds like a great idea! What could possibly go wrong? With that, Henri makes Taylor pose on the couch so he can draw her, because all French people are artists and/or winemakers.
Julie's on the phone with one of her clients when Kirsten walks in again and almost catches her. Kirsten, stop coming to work. You're making it difficult for Julie to do her work, which is the only actual work that happens at NewMatch. Kirsten asks Julie why she's been acting so "jumpy" since the New Year's Eve party. Julie doesn't have to answer because the phone rings. Kirsten takes advantage of the distraction to steal Julie's cell phone out of her bag. Because that's a much better way to deal with your business partner's strange behavior. Julie's avoiding you? Then nail her ass down and get a straight answer from her! Don't steal her phone. That's childish. And inconvenient for Julie.
Summer meets the Newpsyweds for lunch. She brings Pancakes with her, and that's kinda foul. It is a restaurant. People are trying to eat. I live in Los Angeles, where everyone brings their stupid dogs everywhere they go. Why bring your dog into the clothing store? He doesn't want to be there. And now he's drooled on the shirt I was thinking of trying on, so, thanks for that. And I'm allergic to him, so now I have to leave the store. How is bringing animals into these places acceptable? And on planes! People can bring small dogs on planes now! I'm still of the mind that small children shouldn't be allowed on planes, so dogs are well out. What if you're allergic to dogs and someone sits to you with their dog? You're screwed. And then the air is recirculated throughout the cabin so even if the dog isn't near you, his dander will probably come floating down to you eventually. Why are dogs allowed on planes and but smoking isn't? I don't smoke, but I find this unfair. They're just as inconsiderate of the people around them. I'm getting way off topic here and I sound like a cranky old lady, so I'm going to go drink some Ovaltine and watch Diagnosis Murder. That always calms me down. Where are my Epsom salts?
Okay. Summer meets the other Newspyweds, all devoid of substance, and then a waiter comes around with a bunch of champagne flutes for the ladies. Um... aren't they all minors? Summer and Holly definitely are.
Over at The Pav, the same guy from yesterday is still sitting at the bar reading A Season for Peaches. Except now he's reading it out loud. What a loser. Taylor stands outside and thinks about going in. Ryan sneaks up on her and says he'll get over meeting Henri. He just needs some time, he says. Oh, well, then, Taylor, I suggest you give him time and not mention Henri ever again and continue on. Or you could invite him to dinner with Henri for what is sure to be a disaster that only makes things worse. Your choice!
Summer and the girls do some wedding planning. Summer is totally wasted on the champagne and having a blast. "I am so down for that juice fast. Yeah," she says. "I told Brent that for Christmas, all I want is an African baby," Newpsywed 1 (it could actually be Holly, but they all look alike to me so I don't know for sure) says. Okay, Daughter of Regis, I will give you that line. That was funny. Everyone drinks to African babies, and Summer orders more champagne. But when the waiter approaches, it's Che. Then Summer blinks a few times, and the waiter isn't Che at all. Which means that the champagne has acid in it.
Night has fallen on Casa Roberts. Kaitlin is entertaining ChrisBrown with a marathon of her favorite show, Something About Stupid Cops. "You really wanna watch this?" ChrisBrown axes. What a snot! Sorry if Kaitlin's taste in programming doesn't meet your high standards. Julie wanders in and is delighted to make ChrisBrown's acquaintance, even if she can't understand a word of what he's saying to her. She says Kaitlin and ChrisBrown look "cute together" (they don't) and heads out to look for her phone at the office. Julie's phone has been missing for hours now, and she's only just realizing it? ChrisBrown is miffed at Kaitlin for telling her mother they're not on a date even though they had dinner and will be watching a movie "after this crappy show." ChrisBrown, you are not enough of a prize to get away with acting like this. What does Kaitlin see in him that she can't get from one of the Wards? Kaitlin ducks ChrisBrown's questions by pointing out that a cop just drove into a meth lab on TV. "That's hilarious," she says. "I didn't think it was that funny," ChrisBrown shrugs. Um, yes, it is funny. Kaitlin says they might need to be high to really enjoy this show and offers ChrisBrown some weed. He gets that expression of disappointment and disgust on his face that teenagers only do in anti-drug PSAs and gets up to leave. On his way out, he says something incomprehensible about how he thought Kaitlin's behavior at school was just an act. But that's all he's ever seen of her, so why did he want to go on a date with her anyway if she disgusts him so much?
Out of nowhere, Henri and Taylor talk French intellectualism which they apparently have in common. Henri mentions that a French "literary talk show," which is Taylor's favorite show, is in town to do a "field piece" on Newport, the home of Peaches. Wow, that crappy French show certainly does have a big budget! Maybe it's because they don't have to spend any money on soap. Henri asks Taylor to appear on it, but she says she swore that "last time" was her last appearance. Apparently, she appeared on this talk show a bunch of times during the three seconds she knew Henri. And she could hold her own with the other panelists even though she's eighteen. Can someone tell Daughter of Regis how old these characters are supposed to be? Because between this and the champagne, she seems to have no concept of it. Or of the French. Or humans in general. Things start getting awkward when it becomes clear that Ryan feels left out of the group and that Taylor and Henri share something that Taylor and Ryan do not. It doesn't help that they keep speaking French to each other even though Ryan doesn't know any of it. He finally gets up to leave.
Taylor runs after him and meets him outside. She asks him what's wrong, and he says the dinner lasted four hours with all those courses. I guessing that ate frog legs and escargot. Taylor thinks he's also having a hard time with Taylor and the book and wasn't as okay with it as he said he was. "I guess I'm not," he says. Guess you shouldn't have thrown it in his face like that, Taylor.
The morning, Sandy finds Ryan reading a book on French philosophy, which is really cute. He's making an effort! Aww! But also, it's French philosophy, so, zzzz. Ryan tells Sandy about his dinner with Taylor and Henri last night, and Sandy guesses that Ryan's feeling inadequate to the wordly Henri who smells bad and hates sunshine. He reminds Ryan that Taylor seems to like him a lot, intellectual or no. Ryan agrees to talk to Taylor. With that, Sandy can do his Jerry Lewis impression, which startles Ryan and is awesome. Instead of Eddie Murphy remaking all those old Jerry Lewis movies, they should just have Peter Gallagher do it. He'll be out of work soon, too, so... something to think about.
Julie empties out her purse and, amazingly, condoms and pills do not fall out of it. Kaitlin strolls in and Julie asks her about her date. Way to leave your teenage daughter alone in the house with a boy, Julie. Kaitlin denies that it was a date and whines that ChrisBrown is a "major dork." Julie finds this amusing, which means the rest of us will in short order too, as she taunts Kaitlin, "You think he's dorkilicious! You want his big dorky arms wrapped around you while he gives you big dorky kisses!" Before she can move onto discussing ChrisBrown's big dorky dick, Kaitlin reminds her that she is her daughter. Plus, ChrisBrown doesn't like Kaitlin back. Julie tells Kaitlin to try to fix things with him, and Kaitlin asks her why she's looking for her cell phone in the pots and pans drawer. Julie responds by looking in the toaster. I love Julie.
Kirsten's had the cell phone all day and still done nothing with it. Finally, she calls someone from Julie's phonebook. It's a client with a date tonight, and Kirsten reschedules her for a different time. Then, instead of looking all proud of herself for being so slick, Kirsten sighs and looks depressed. Like always.
Ryan stops by Taylor's room to apologize. She won't open the door for him, so he has to yell through the door that he wasn't upset about the book sex stuff last night, but about all the French philosophers and stuff who seemed "out of [his] league." Taylor opens the door.
They sit on the bed together. Aw. Taylor says that Ryan is just as smart as Henri and she doesn't need him to be someone else. She tells Ryan that she agreed to go on the French talk show tonight, and he encourages her. In fact, he'd like to come watch, if he can. And with that, Ryan's horny.
In Seattle, Seth and Dr. Neil have lunch at the hospital cafeteria. Seth asks about the unicorn, and Dr. Neil says that some guy actually dressed his horse up as a unicorn for his daughter's birthday and "things went terribly awry. But it taught us all about the value of family." I kind of wish they had kept the meta joke going a little while longer and had Dr. Neil add something about some raspy-voiced woman then doing a voiceover to wrap everything up. As for Seth's proposal, Dr. Neil says no. He likes Seth fine, but he doesn't think Seth appreciates Summer enough. Seth is sincerely upset about this, saying that he was hoping Dr. Neil was object to the marriage on different grounds. Maybe he would, Seth, if you hadn't said that Summer was "cool" and "easy on the eyes" when Dr. Neil asked if you loved her. Idiot. Seth adds that Summer is really funny and he loves to make her laugh and she makes him "more of a man." "I love every minute I spend with your daughter, I really do," he says. Dr. Neil asks Seth if he wants to spend the rest of his minutes with Summer, and Seth says he really does. Oh... okay. That came out of nowhere. Dr. Neil tells Seth to come back after college.
Back with the Newpsyweds, Newpsywed 2 (or is it 1? And is that Holly?) talks about how she evicted some endangered owls from their home under their desk (owls live under decks? I thought they lived in trees) to make room for a new Jacuzzi. Summer is drunk from the champagne they're still drinking and talks all ghetto about how she "gots to get her hot tub." The conversation turns to something else, but Summer doesn't hear it since she's having hallucinations again. This time, Che is making owl noises behind the chair. Summer, you may want to get your hallucinating-every-time-you're-drunk-on-champagne thing checked out by a doctor. And Chris Pratt, you may want to get your agent to give you parts on shows where you're not relegated to appearing in make-believe land. The Newpsyweds bust out a wedding dress for Summer to try on.
A heated argument is going on on the French talkshow, but I have no idea what it's over. Probably over whether or not Pepe Le Pew was a hero or a villain. Ryan stops by to watch. He looks proud of Taylor.
Summer checks herself out in the mirror with the wedding dress on. Rachel Bilson is way too skinny. Che stops by and tells her to stop the wedding plans. Newpsywed 3 shows up and says that Summer looks better in Holly's dress than Holly did, then brings her downstairs to check out their great idea for a ringbearer. It's Pancakes and a vat of pink dye. Where did they get the pink dye? I don't know. And do they think the wedding is tomorrow and therefore Pancakes has to be dyed right now? "Isn't that so adorable, you just want to kill yourself?" they ask. No and yes. Summer grabs Pancakes out of the evil Newpsywed's grasp and runs away.
The French talk show ends with Taylor making a good point and Henri holding up the white flag of surrender that every French person is required to have with them at all times. The host says good-night without mentioning Gérard Depardieu once. Ryan hugs Taylor when she comes off of the set, and she leaves to say good-bye to people. This allows Henri to walk up and invite Ryan to celebrate the show with some wine. He says he'd love to talk about David Hume with Ryan as well, since Taylor told him that Ryan was an expert on the man after Ryan left the dinner last night. Ryan is not pleased about this. Good going, Taylor.
After the commercial, Ryan pulls Taylor aside and confronts her about lying to Henri about him. Taylor gets defensive, saying that after Ryan said nothing during dinner and then left abruptly, she had no choice but to make all that shit up. She didn't want Henri to judge Ryan, but couldn't think of anything true about Ryan that would impress Henri. Ryan says he doesn't mind that she lied to Henri to make Ryan look better; he minds that he thinks Taylor wishes she had something to be impressed with him for. Taylor denies this, but Ryan's inferiority complex has taken over. He says he and Taylor are just too different, and leaves.
Kirsten finally does something. She goes to a hotel room to meet her client's date, but starts to chicken out. But the man inside the room heard her wimpy passive-aggressive knock and calls her back.
Meanwhile, Julie has to deal with using her land line, which is ringing. Spencer's on the phone, and Julie explains that she didn't get his messages since her cell phone's been missing for two days and Julie lacks the ability to check her voicemail from somewhere else. Nor did she just get a new phone with all that money she has so she could stay on top of the day-to-day business of her illegal prostitution ring. Whatever. Anyway, Julie is very surprised to hear that her partner cancelled a client's date.
Kristen's gigolo offers her some champagne and tells her to put the money on the nightstand so they can "get nasty." Hot. "I thought Julie told you all the rules," Himbo says, just to make it absolutely clear to Kirsten the Airhead that Julie is running an escort service right under her nose. Kirsten excuses herself to get some toys from the car.
ChrisBrown is helping at a Winter Clothing Drive, because he is a dork. Kaitlin stops by to "clear things up." She does not take one look at ChrisBrown's bright orange sweater and turn around to leave while counting her blessings that she didn't get stuck with a guy who dresses like a traffic cone. Instead, she tells ChrisBrown that she likes him, even if he doesn't like her. He says he does, but there's a bunch of homeless people in need of clothing standing around them so they can't start making out of anything. "You may not know this, but there are homeless people that live in Newport," ChrisBrown says, yet again trying to show Kaitlin how awesome and special he is and she isn't. But he gets served since two of those homeless people are Bill and Darryl from Homeless Thanksgiving '06, and they wave hello to Kaitlin. ChrisBrown says he'll give Kaitlin a call after the drive, and they daringly hold hands. "I just can't believe this clothing drive is salting my game," Kaitlin says. Yeah, well, you know whose game is really salted, Kaitlin? Homeless people's. Even in Southern California, it gets cold. These people need and appreciate warm clothes. Have a heart, Kaitlin. Geez! What a bitch.
Julie arrives at NewMatch to find Kirsten, her cell phone, and pictures of NewMatch's young male hunks out in the open. "Kirsten, I can explain," Julie starts. Oh, please, Julie. Come on now. You really can't. You were running a prostitution ring. You knew Kirsten wouldn't be happy about it, so you deliberately concealed it from her. But she found out, and now you have to face the consequences. "It just ... it just happened ... " Julie says weakly, adding; "I am so sorry, but I promise ... " No. Not gonna work this time, Julie. Kirsten says Julie is breaking federal law, I guess counting those books Frank cooked as being tax fraud. Which should really help him get back into the Cohens' good graces. Stupid Frank. Stupid Julie, too, as she stammers that they can put this all behind them and stuff. Yeah... no. "I want you out of here by Monday," Kirsten says.
Oh, gross. Che calls Summer at home. He says he was doing some "out of body work" and had a vision of Summer in a white dress surrounded by owls. So... he did shrooms? Summer tells Che that she got engaged, and Che says "that's amazing! I will weave you guys something ASAP." Okay, Daughter of Regis, I'll give you another one. But what is Summer wearing right now? Oh my god, it's like a prairie dress and a Victorian-era housemaid uniform mated. Che gives Summer some advice: "in order for two halves to be whole, each half must be whole on its own." I guess Che isn't taking many math classes at Brown, since that would make two wholes, not one. He then sings Summer a song that we don't have to hear much of, thank god.
Sandy finds Ryan sitting by the pool and asks him what's up. Ryan tells him about his and Taylor's latest fight and how he thinks they're too different to be together. Sandy points out that he and Kirsten are different, too, and they've made it work except for the times when the writers threw them a storyline bone and gave them contrived marital difficulties. Ryan asks Sandy how he knows if he and Taylor are good different or bad different. Sandy says you just have to focus on what holds you together instead of what separates you. Also, for two halves to be whole, those two halves must also be whole. Two quarters must be whole too, but it takes four quarters to make a whole, so you'll need two more whole quarters. A2 + B2 = C2.
Summer shows off her love of the environment by throwing her bridal magazines in the trash instead of recycling them. Seth shows up and says Seattle was "good" and Dr. Neil did not give them immediate permission to get married. "Damn!" Summer says with fake disappointment. But Seth's done some thinking, and he admits that he asked Dr. Neil because he knew he'd say no and then Seth would be off the hook. And now he's realized that he doesn't want to be off the hook after all. He wants to stay engaged, but it can be a long engagement. Summer says she's done some thinking as well, and realized that she has some kind of mental problem that makes her see and talk to people who aren't there. She'll be committing herself now, good-bye and sorry. Actually she realized that she doesn't know who she is, what with the flip-flopping between caring about the environment to being a Newpsy, which are apparently mutually exclusive. Anyway, Summer needs to go find herself. She gives Seth his ring back. "We might need it someday," she claims. Seth doesn't seem to have much hope of that.
Ryan looks through Taylor's Creepy Stalking Scrapbook, paying special attention to the hospital bracelets that say Ryan and Taylor are actually 20 and 21 years old, respectively. He throws the book down and grabs his keys. He drives to the French talk show studio, runs inside, grabs Taylor, and kisses her. Right as he's about to say he loves her, the fantasy sequence ends with Ryan closing the scrapbook and turning out the light. Damn it. And there's Taylor waiting for Ryan to come through the door and grab her. But he doesn't, so she stays with Henri. I'm not sure if the fantasy was hers or Ryan's or both. I wish it had actually happened, though. Zut alors!