Sandy tells Ryan that his father is out of jail and in town. At first, Ryan doesn't want to see the guy, but then Frank says he's dying of lung cancer and Ryan changes his mind. This leads to another Awkward Family Dinner, much to Sandy's chagrin, as he's feeling a tad competitive with the New Old Father. Especially since Frank seems like such a cool awesome guy and comes complete with adorable Ryan baby pictures. Oh, wait -- that would make things easy for Ryan, and we can't have that. Sandy finds out that Frank was lying about the cancer and takes advantage of the opportunity to punch Frank in the face before kicking him out of his house. On one hand, you're like, "Go, Sandy, go! He deserves it!" But on the other, you're like, "Boo, Sandy, boo! You're supposed to be the father who doesn't hit people!" Ryan isn't too pleased with BioDad, but says he'll give him a call anyway. Because Ryan is a saint. With hot sideburns.
Meanwhile, Kaitlin is forced to work with classmate Will, who's supposedly really good at school even though he can't enunciate worth a damn and has no personality. Seth and Summer try to make each other call off the engagement neither of them really wants now that Summer's not pregnant, in several contrived and ridiculous ways that would be tiresome if they weren't so entertaining. Speaking of entertaining, Julie spends the episode helping Summer convert to Judaism (with flashcards!) and falling for Frank (why???).
First of all, many thanks to Jacob for covering for me for the past two episodes. As I was in that coma and still haven't removed CSI from my TiVo season pass even though I haven't watched that show in years, I didn't get a chance to actually watch the last two episodes, so I apologize ahead of time if I get something wrong. Second of all, The O.C.'s beginning every episode title with the word "the" conceit is getting a little out of hand. "The My Two Dads" doesn't even make sense. My TiVo wouldn't even go for it, and says the episode is simply called "My Two Dads." I was sort of hoping to see Greg Evigan or Paul Reiser, but they where nowhere to be found in this episode. Which I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad about it. Finally, yes, this show has been cancelled. There are only eight more episodes until what is sure to be a bittersweet end. On one hand, it sucks for the fans of this show that it's going to be over. But on the other, I don't know how much life this show had left in it. Especially since the cast members would probably be taking off as soon as their contracts would allow them to. Maybe it's better to go out now on a high note than groan along for ten seasons like Beverly Hills . We'll always have Tijuana.
We begin with Summer, lying in bed and staring at her new engagement ring. It stares right back at her. Because it's an eyeball. Taylor Townsend enters the room, dressed and ready for the day as she woke up early to compile a list of New Year's resolutions. "Stop waking up early to do stupid stuff like make a list of New Year's resolutions" should probably be pretty close to the top of that list. But no, all Taylor Townsend has is "stopping mooching off other people's families and get a job" and "start taking calcium supplements." I applaud her for that second resolution -- women especially need calcium to ward off the ravages of osteoporosis later in life and the younger they get started, the better -- but who is she really kidding with the first one? No one in this town has a job. Even the people who have jobs don't really have jobs. Summer suggests a third resolution: planning her wedding.
Summer and Taylor make their way into the kitchen, where Summer says that while she's sure she'll be getting married at some point in the future and most likely to Seth, she doesn't really want to get married now that she isn't pregnant. "Getting married is kind of a big deal. I should know," Taylor says. I guess she means she knows this now and not when she was trying to get out of her marriage by running away and making a friend pose as her secret lover. Because then, she didn't seem to take it all that seriously. Summer wants to break the engagement off, but doesn't want to actually tell Seth this, since he was so sincere when he proposed and this would break his heart. Taylor the Optimist says she's always wanted to plan a wedding and suggests "bagpipes" and "a replica of the Starship Enterprise." This sounds like it might possibly be the most awesome wedding ever.
Meanwhile, Seth is also in bed contemplating his fate. Ryan walks in and Seth tells him the big news. Ryan's reaction is an uncharacteristic eye bulge. On their way down to the kitchen, Seth reveals that he has the same feelings about marriage that Summer does -- sometime later, but not now -- but he doesn't want to tell Summer this because he thinks it would "crush" her. Ryan says they should go tell Sandy and Kirsten the good news, then. He's sure they won't think Seth and Summer are too young once they hear about that little pregnancy scare that prompted all of this.
So Seth and Summer have a long talk on a short pier. Seth's hair looks really good in this episode, by the way. Ryan and Taylor Townsend watch them from afar and compare notes. They figure as soon as Seth or Summer admits to not wanting to get married right now, this will be over. And then they realize that this is Seth and Summer they're talking about, and that will never happen. Sure enough, Summer and Seth walk over, hand in hand, and ask Ryan and Taylor to be their best man and maid of honor, respectively. I don't know whose facial expression is better: Seth's huge fake grin or Taylor's look of confusion and disgust. Taylor and Summer run off to do girly wedding stuff and Ryan and Seth stay behind and talk about how bad this is going to be.
Stock shots of the beach. Sandy and Frank "Hercules" Atwood meet at the pier.
Kirsten brings Julie some coffee from the popular coffee chain Barstucks. She also has a coffee for Frank, but he's nowhere to be found. Julie says there's something she needs to talk to Kirsten about ...
Sandy asks Frank what he's doing in Newport with a fake name working for Sandy's wife. I guess Sandy's TiVo recorded CSI, too. Frank says he wants to see his son.
Julie has already told Kirsten who Frank is off-screen (given what little Kirsten has to do on this show, cutting one of the few meaty scenes she does have seems a bit cruel), and Kirsten asks Julie how Frank became their accountant as she apparently didn't see the last episode either. Julie brings her up to speed about Frank and BULLET being friends and Frank somehow being a qualified accountant.
Sandy tells Frank that he's not particularly thrilled with the idea of reuniting Frank and Ryan. This is for everyone's sakes -- each time Ryan has a reunion with one of his family members, something bad happens. It's like lighting a match in a powder keg. A powder keg full of people with rage issues.
Kirsten points out that Frank used to beat his wife and sons. "He made no excuses," Julie says. Well, whoopee! He still hit helpless people -- the fact that he has no excuses for this behavior doesn't make this any better. Julie says that Frank only hit women and children when he was drunk, and he no longer drinks. Oh, well, problem solved, then! I think we should also take into account the fact that Frank was in prison this whole time, and, aside from that homemade nasty wine I see featured on those "Inside The Prison Walls" Dateline specials, there isn't much to drink. Nor are there women or children to beat. So it's not so much "reformed" as it is "lack of opportunity."
Frank tells Sandy that the system worked for him. Sandy has to agree with the possibility of this, as it would make his public defender work totally useless if he didn't. He asks Frank why he's reaching out of Ryan now.
Julie answers this question for Kirsten, saying Frank just got out of jail so this is his first opportunity to see his son. "What was he supposed to do, send a postcard from prison?" Julie asks. Um, yeah, actually. Shockingly enough, people in prison do manage to stay in contact with their loved ones on the outside. A few notes to Ryan about the changes he's made in prison and his determination to become a better person might have done Ryan a lot of good and paved the way for Frank's reentrance into his life. Oh well! Julie says she's convinced that Frank has really changed. And Julie is a really good judge of character, so her words should be heeded.
Frank tells Sandy he just wants a chance to prove himself to Ryan. But he won't do it without Sandy's blessing. Unless Sandy doesn't give his blessing, and then Frank will just force his way back into Ryan's life. Sandy checks out a few ocean stock shots instead.
Ryan accuses Seth of chickening out of breaking things off with Summer. He also tells him that Taylor told him that Summer doesn't want to get married. And now that everyone knows this, there shouldn't be any problem with Seth telling Summer the truth and this contrived predicament ending. But no, there are fifty minutes left in the show, so it won't be that easy. Seth says he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with Summer having to live down the fact that he was the one who broke off their engagement. "The ring you gave her glows in the dark," Ryan points out. "I know! That's so cool!" Seth says, all excited and cute. Ryan says that if Seth's still too chicken to tell Summer how he feels, then he probably shouldn't get married to her. Actually, he says that Seth should just give Summer no choice but to tell him how she feels. "Smoke her out," Ryan suggests.
Over at Harbor, some guy is giving a report to his class. It appears to be a foreign language class, as I can't understand anything this kid is saying. Also, the kid is played by Chris Brown, a singer I've never heard of but whose official website says he's been compared to Tevin Campbell. Yeah, good luck with that, Chris Brown. I'm really out of touch with the R and B music scene, I must admit. I haven't liked anything out of there since En Vogue broke up. I should also point out that Chris Brown joins a very exclusive club of black people who've had speaking parts on The O.C.. Congrats, ChrisBrown! Maybe you and Paul Glass can make, like, uniforms or something. Anyway, ChrisBrown finishes his French report to a smattering of applause from his class and the praise of his teacher, who should really try not to be so freaking obvious with who her favorite student is. Also, I see from the blackboard (I guess Harbor doesn't have the budget for one of those newfangled whiteboards that even my crappy public high school managed to procure) that this is actually an English class, and the reports are for The Call of the Wild. Obviously, this is a special education class. This both explains why tenth graders are reading a book that sixth graders find unchallenging and the presence of ChrisBrown, who obviously has difficulty speaking. It also explains why that teacher was so thrilled with him. It's really courageous for a kid with problems speaking to go up in front of the whole class like that and should be commended. Oh, it also explains how Kaitlin got into that class.
Kaitlin is called to the front of the room to give her oral report. On her way past ChrisBrown, she thanks him for putting her to sleep with his incomprehensible mumbles. ChrisBrown shoots her a hilarious expression that's just like "what the hell was that for? Fuck you!" while the Ward twins loudly "whisper" to each other about how Kaitlin is about to go through with some big prank she has planned. Kaitlin says that the project was to speak from the point of view of Buck, the dog in The Call of the Wild. She then proceeds to say "woof" over and over again, and we even see that she has made neat little notecards that say "woof" on them which is amazing. I love it! So does the class. The teacher isn't so thrilled and cuts Kaitlin off. The bell rings, and nice job having a student deliver an oral report like thirty seconds before the end of class there, Teach. She dismisses her class, but tells Kaitlin to stay behind. I'm assuming it's to tell her how awesome that report just was and give her the A++ she deserves.
In fact, she only gives Kaitlin an "A for originality" and an F for her presentation. Which averages out to a nice round C, so, good job, Kaitlin! Way to exploit the loophole in your crappy teacher's assignment! Teach warns Kaitlin that she's about to fail English class, and then ChrisBrown comes back into the room, apologizing for forgetting his books. Yeah, he's a real brain trust. Teach then says something particularly cruel in light of ChrisBrown's difficulties: "[ChrisBrown], you seem to have a real handle on public speaking. Would you mind helping Kaitlin with a revised presentation?" ChrisBrown obviously does mind this, but since he can't get the words out, he has no choice but to help Kaitlin. Way to punish your best student just to get back at your worst, Teach. Teach warns Kaitlin that "every word better be different" from her last report, which shouldn't be too hard since Kaitlin's report only had one word.
Sandy stops by "El Pavo Guapo," which Ryan reports is out of shrimp tacos. I wonder why. Was there a shortage on shrimp? Did someone eat them all? This is quite the mystery. Sandy says he's not here for the food, but to talk to Ryan. He asks him when he's on break. Because there's no better time to tell someone that their abusive jailbird father is back in town after eight years than when he's in the middle of a shift. Gez, Sandy, it's called "timing."
We don't get to actually see Sandy tell Ryan what's up, as the scene starts with Ryan reeling from the news. He says he always knew his father would be out of jail one day, but it's "weird" now that it's actually happening. And he's not particularly interested in his old father, who seems to be "from another life." Sandy says that's fine, and Ryan asks where his usual speech about the importance of family is. Sandy only reserves that for when the family position being threatened by the re-emergence of an Atwood isn't his own, so there won't be one this time. "You are my family," he just says. Ryan seems touched by this comment, although it's hard to tell with him. He thinks, then says he doesn't want to see Frank: "Maybe later, not now." "Then that's what I'll tell him," Sandy says, trying his best not to jump up and triumphantly pump his fists in the air for winning the Ryan's Dad contest. Ryan heads back to work for what is sure to be a really fun shift for him, then asks Sandy how his dad seemed. Sandy says he seemed "good." "Good," Ryan says. Thus endeth the exchange of vague adjectives.
Frank gets the news from Sandy over his silly hotel phone with the giant red flashing message waiting light. Frank is disappointed, but thanks Sandy for trying. He hangs up, and we see that Julie is in the room. She asks Frank what he's going to do now.
Seth hands Summer a cookbook and informs her that he signed her up for cooking classes, as he expects his wife to prepare a "nice, home-cooked meal" for him every day. Summer will also be converting to Judaism, and Seth has provided her with a Torah to this end.
Summer throws the Torah on Taylor's bed and complains that Seth is trying to smoke her out. Way toss around sacred religious stuff, Summer. Remind me to go crap in her Bible. Summer says Seth's plan is "sneaky, cowardly, and totally passive-aggressive." And she really wishes she had thought of it first. Taylor asks Summer if she's going to tell Seth the truth now. "Frack that," Summer says. I guess it's too late for a Battlestar/OC crossover episode, huh? Oh well. Instead, Summer says she's "going to go Bridezilla on [Seth's] ass." Well, those two are definitely adult enough to make a mature decision about lifelong commitments.
Sandy stops by NewMatch, only to find Kirsten and Julie talking to an unseen man. He's as surprised as anyone else to see that they actually have a client, but it's actually just Frank. Kirsten looks upset and says they need to talk. Frank says he has something to tell Sandy. With tears running down her cheeks, Julie tells Sandy that Frank is dying. Wow, she's more upset about that than she was about her own daughter dying. Sandy just looks pissed off.
The morning at the Cohen house, Kirsten is feeling very guilty about not telling Ryan about Frank's terminal cancer. Sandy feels totally fine about it, though. Ryan doesn't want to see Frank and Sandy doubts that Frank even has cancer. Kirsten says that, after smoking two packs a day since the age of fourteen, "it would be weird if [Frank] didn't have lung cancer." Well, not really. I mean, his lungs wouldn't be in the best of shape certainly, but Frank looks still looks pretty young to me. Kirsten wonders if Sandy's dislike of Frank is personal, then warns him that after a lifetime of shaving his face with a razor, it would be weird if Sandy didn't have cancer of the beardline. Sandy says it's very personal: "Ryan is our son. [Frank] has hurt Ryan before. I'm not gonna let him do it again." Kirsten asks Sandy how Ryan will feel if he finds out that they knew that Frank had cancer and didn't tell him. He'd probably get parental figure betrayal cancer. Kirsten begs Sandy to "let" her talk to Ryan.
Summer visits Seth at the comic book store. "Shalom, Cohen," she Jews. She shows off all she's learned about being Jewish by shoving a pamphlet about engagement rings in Seth's face and demanding one that is "no less than two karats." Seth gives her a playful fake punch on the chin and says Summer is worth three. Summer hasn't failed yet though, as she unleashes Plan B: Pancakes. Summer leaves Pancakes in Seth's care, saying she needs to make sure her future husband will be able to take care of something "small and vulnerable." For Pancakes' sake, I hope so. Seth hates Pancakes, but goes along with it, smiling and saying he's looking forward to spending some one-on-one time with the bunny. He's also been thinking of the vows they'll be writing to each other. He was thinking of quoting Yeats or Shelley. Summer, who got into Brown University because she was so smart, doesn't know who those people are and says she'll be drawing from the words of Shel Silverstein and Dr. Seuss. "I meant what I said, I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful, one hundred percent," she recites. Then she runs off to find where the sidewalk ends. Seth consoles Pancakes by saying he "sort of had a dog once." Does he mean Jimmy's dog? Because that thing went the way of Kaitlin's stupid pony a loooong time ago. If Seth's treatment of Dustin is anything to go by, Pancakes should be vanishing never to be heard from again except for a few meta references right about... now.
Kaitlin wanders into a band class and greets ChrisBrown with "Hey, Band Geek." The entire band looks up. Ha! Kaitlin totally gets the best jokes. She clarifies which band geek she's looking for and tells ChrisBrown to write her report for her. The only words I can make out in his mumbling response are "water polo," but apparently he said no, because Kaitlin tells him that his grade is on the line here along with hers. And here we see the folly of group projects: one person always ends up doing all the work. We also see the folly of assigning a project to an overachieving student who already finished his oral report because some girl in class likes to slack off. Kaitlin hands ChrisBrown some notecards and says she'll get them back from him before class tomorrow. Well, I don't see how this plan can go wrong for Kaitlin.
Kirsten repays Sandy's surprise visit to NewMatch yesterday with a surprise visit to his office today. She also brought lunch, all the better to convince Sandy to let her tell Ryan about Frank with. Sandy says he called Frank's prison doctor to find out if the guy has cancer or not. "That's an invasion of privacy," Kirsten protests. Yeah, well, maybe if Frank Atwood didn't beat his wife and kids before leaving them to rot in jail, Sandy wouldn't feel the need to do these things. I rarely say this (mostly because she rarely talks) but shut up, Kirsten. The importance of respecting Frank's privacy should pale in comparison to Ryan's welfare.
Ryan gets out of another endless day of work to meet Taylor Townsend. They kiss and are a great couple. Ryan says their evening plans will have to wait, as Kirsten wants to meet Ryan in her office. Yeah, that's a great place to tell him that the father he doesn't want to see is dying. The Cohens have absolutely no sense of good locations to break bad news. Taylor Townsend puts her two cents in about Ryan's decision not to see his father, although, as a refreshing change from certain other Ryan ex-girlfriends, asks him if he wants to hear it first. It's basically the speech about the importance of family that Sandy was supposed to give Ryan: Taylor Townsend says that her father lives fairly close by with his "new family" and comes to Newport four times a year to check on his car dealership. But never, apparently, to see Taylor. And this, you can tell, really hurts her. So, in a way, she thinks Ryan's lucky to at least have a father who wants a relationship with him, even if that father isn't such a great human being. Ryan thinks about this.
Summer spends her evening learning Hebrew with Julie assisting on the flashcards. Summer takes a minute away to tend to her burning brisket, and I thought those things were impossible to burn. Don't you cook it at a low heat for, like, three days? Summer says "this" isn't working, and Julie asks why, exactly, Summer is trying to learn the Hebrew alphabet in the first place. Summer breaks the news that she and Seth are engaged, and Julie isn't sure if she's supposed to be happy or sad about this news. "You're young, but, hey -- worked for me!" she says. Yeah, it worked really well. Let's ask Marissa how well it worked... oh. How about Jimmy... oh. And Kaitlin is probably off smoking weed. But keep on living in denial in that mansion you don't even own or have any right to live in, Julie! Julie soon realizes that Summer is only staying engaged to Seth to try to get "the upper hand," and says she can be a great deal of help for Summer. Julie Emerils that Summer needs to "kick it up a notch." "I think it's called chutzpah," she says. Summer tries to pronounce the word the Jewish way, by calling up great amounts of phlegm from the back of her throat. This leads to Julie and Summer have a phlegm-off that doesn't last nearly long enough. They could have made that the rest of the episode and I would have been happy.
Frank and Kirsten walk along the pier at night, because it's always a good idea to walk alone in a dark and fairly desolate area with a guy you know has a history of violence against women. Anyway, Kirsten actually apologizes to Frank for her husband's behavior towards him, to which Frank responds "can't say that I blame him." See? Even Frank's like, "uh, why are these people all being so nice to me? I got out of jail six weeks ago and I destroyed my family." Kirsten says that there's someone here who wants to meet Frank. It's Ryan. Damn it! Why didn't we get to see the scene where Kirsten and Ryan talked about this? Lame! Ryan checks out his father, who's like a foot taller than him (and everyone else on the show), and simply says "hi." "Hi," Frank answers. I see the family resemblance. Ryan invites him out for a cup of coffee. Kirsten smiles. But it's a sad smile, as she knows her role in this episode is pretty much over.
And we've been denied seeing Ryan and Frank's coffee reunion, as after the commercial it's the day and Ryan is telling Seth about it while he sets up "El Pavo Guapo" for another day of endless work. Seth asks Ryan what he and his father talked about, but Ryan just says they "kinda talked," and he didn't want to yell at his father once he actually saw him face-to-face. Instead, he invited over to the Cohens' for dinner tonight. Seth says he can't go, as he and Summer have a date at some Jewish word tonight that's more important than Ryan. Ryan urges Seth to stop the "crazy train," but Seth says he will not lose to Summer, and to this end he's even started to bond with Pancakes, who is currently nestled in Seth's messenger bag and being super-cute. Ryan tells Seth that animals are not allowed in the fine dining establishment that is "El Pavo Guapo." Seth tells Pancakes to ignore Ryan, who must be suffering from 'roid rage to say such mean things to a helpless bunny. Ryan threatens to put Pancakes in a quesadilla if Seth doesn't remove him from the premises. Seth is indignant on Pancakes's behalf and says he and Pancakes will be out on the patio. He orders a side of carrots for Pancakes. Ryan wonders how Seth has managed to make his pet rabbit more important than Ryan's long-awaited reunion with his estranged and possibly dying father.
As English class starts, Kaitlin gets her speech from ChrisBrown and doesn't even bother to look at it. The Wards are jealous that ChrisBrown got to do Kaitlin's homework instead of them and say pathetic words to that effect. Teach enters the room and sends Kaitlin up to the front of the class to give her revised oral report. Kaitlin stands there and only then does she look at the words she's about to say. And they're the same words as her last oral report. For all we know, it's the same report ChrisBrown gave, but we just didn't understand what he was saying. Anyway, Kaitlin is totally screwed now, although you can't feel sorry for her at all. She has no choice but to wing it. So she says that Buck's story is a metaphor for being a teenager while Jack London spins in his grave so hard that he accidentally drills all the way to China. But everyone else, including ChrisBrown, think that Kaitlin's report is really awesome and great. "Dude, she's pretty deep," Cute Ward says. "Shut up, dude. I'm trying to listen," Clown Ward says. It had better be to a loud-ass fart he's about to rip in front of the class or my opinion of the Wards will have decreased somewhat.
Kirsten was unable to think of an excuse in time, so she's stuck with Taylor Townsend preparing tonight's dinner. Taylor needlessly frets that Kirsten's choice of fish might remind Frank of his non-existent past as a sailor and wonders if the spinach is e. coli-free until Kirsten asks her what she's really nervous about; "Even for you, you're acting a little strange," she snarks. Well, at least Taylor has a personality, Kirsten. I'm having a hard time telling the difference between you and that dead fish right now. Taylor says she's nervous about meeting Ryan's dad, and Kirsten says that Frank hasn't been in a woman's company in eight years, so he'll probably like Taylor. Is... that supposed to make Taylor feel better, or run off to buy some mace? Taylor says this is the first time in her and Ryan's relationship that something real and serious has come up, and she's worried she won't be able to handle it the right way. "I really want him to see that I can be there for the serious stuff, too," Taylor says. "The fact that you're there for him means everything," Kirsten says. Unlike that sentence, which pretty much meant nothing. But it makes Taylor feel better, and she hugs Kirsten and calls her "Kiks." Sandy comes home and wonders what all this food preparation is about. Taylor stupidly assumes that he knew about Frank coming over tonight. He didn't. And he's not thrilled about it.
Kirsten follows Sandy's sulk bus up to the bedroom. He says he's sure tonight's dinner will be "delightful" and also that he has yet to hear back from the prison doctor, who I'm sure is waiting for the best possible dramatic moment to call. Kirsten says they should "make the best of it." "We always do," Sandy says, pointing out that they've been more than accommodating to Ryan's family where his mother and brother were concerned. Sandy refuses to say that his problem this time is the fact that Frank is the BizarroSandy, though, just saying that Ryan "has been through hell and back this year," like he hasn't been through hell and back every single other year of his life. Also, Sandy says, he doesn't trust Frank. Kirsten says she understands that Sandy feels threatened; they all thought Frank would be a monster, but instead he's "smart and he's funny and he's nice." Except, Sandy rightfully points out, when he's beating women up and committing armed robbery. "The guy's a real prize. Move over, Bachelor Bob," Sandy says. I hope he wasn't referring to Bob Guiney, because that would be a shamefully out-of-date pop culture reference. Kirsten assures Sandy that Ryan having a relationship with Frank won't damage Ryan's relationship with Sandy, which, duh, of course it won't. Guy's going to be dead pretty soon, right? And, she points out, this is important to Ryan. In fact, Kirsten says, it's "so important." What is Kirsten's deal? Does she have a crush on Frank or something? Does she have a thing for aged mythical half-gods? Does she spend her days watching that Hercules Disney movie when everyone else is out of the house ignoring her? Sandy agrees to make an effort tonight.
Julie meets Frank at the Yacht Club, where he's already helped himself to some Pellegrino sparkling water, just like huge bottle he had in his hotel room. Because Frank doesn't drink alcohol anymore, because he's a saint. Forget about what he did to his wife and kids! I'm sure Jesus lost his temper with Mary Magdalene after he changed a few glasses of water into wine, too. Ain't no thang. Frank is nervous about the upcoming dinner and asks Julie if he should wear a jacket or not. She tells him to "relax" and "be [him]self" and "everyone will love [him]." Sure, except that Frank's idea of relaxing used to be to get drunk, and then he proceeded to be himself by beating up his wife. I don't think that's going to fly at the Cohens'. Julie assures Frank that both Ryan and Cohens know that people can do bad things and still become good people. As Julie is especially aware, you can pretty much try to ruin a Cohen kid's life by framing him for murder and by season, you'll be going into business with Kirsten. They are a very forgiving bunch. Julie wishes Frank luck and tells him to let her know how it went. He sincerely thanks her, and I'm not really feeling the sexual attraction these two are supposed to have to each other.
Oh, dear. It appears that Seth's attempt to be a parent to Pancakes has met a tragic end, as Seth is totally carrying a stuffed animal and not a real rabbit when Summer picks him up at work. It's a convincing prop, actually, but its nose isn't moving and it doesn't even blink, so if it actually is a real rabbit, it's either dead or drugged. Anyway, Summer says she has a better idea for what she and Seth can do tonight. She's decided against having a huge formal wedding in favor of eloping. In Vegas. RIGHT NOW. Seth doesn't miss a beat, nor does he back down. He says big weddings are a pain in the ass, so to Vegas they will go. And in this shot, Pancakes either sneezed or had a seizure, so I guess he's still alive.
The Cohen dinner is progressing apace. Ryan tells Frank about his college plans, and Frank says he's heard great things about Berkeley. Sandy is sure to let Frank know that Berkeley is his school. His and Kirsten's. Frank applauds this family tradition and there is an awkward silence. Frank decides to fill it with a story about a family trip to San Francisco the Atwoods once attempted. They never made it there, as Trey got carsick and they got two flat tires. And this was before they ever got out of the driveway! Chino is rough. Frank whips out his wallet to show them a picture of Ryan from that trip he carries with him (all the better to forget about him with), and Kirsten and Taylor squeal in delight at the prospect of seeing pictures of BabyRyan. Who is totally cute, of course. All the attention makes Ryan uncomfortable, so he leaves to get dessert. Sandy clears the table and follows Ryan into the kitchen.
Inside, Sandy has to admit that Frank is starting to win him over. Ryan agrees that Frank is a different person than he used to be. It's too bad that it took a terminal illness for that to happen. "Better late than never, I guess," he says. And then Sandy's Phone of Dramatic Revelations rings. Ryan goes outside with the dessert, and Sandy answers it.
Seth and Summer drive through the desert on their way to Vegas, although based on their expressions, you'd think they were driving to their spots on death row. "Are you okay? Wanna stop?" Seth asks, ever-so-hopefully. Summer does not. Seth suddenly pulls the car over and says he "can't do this." Summer thinks she's won. But no! Seth finishes that he needs to ask Dr. Neil for Summer's hand in marriage before they tie the knot. Summer says that once they talk to Dr. Neil about this, "there's no turning back." Because a guy currently living it up in Seattle with his second ex-wife totally doesn't believe in giving second chances. They turn the car around to "make it official." You know, guys, a game of chicken is a lot of fun until someone accidentally drives his car off a cliff and Natalie Wood gets all upset and then Paula Abdul makes a music video based on it with Keanu Reeves playing James Dean. Then it's no fun at all.
Back at the Cohen's, Frank is upset to hear that his baseball-playing son turned to musicals after Frank went to jail. They laugh about this, as the lack of a stable male role model in much of Ryan's life is the height of comedy. Taylor tells Frank that she will "straighten [Ryan] out," as if Ryan's sexuality was in question and not that of the guy who probably just spent the last eight years sodomizing his bitch, "Tiny." Sandy comes outside to stop all the good times. He asks to speak to Frank inside. Ryan senses danger.
Frank starts to thank Sandy for his hospitality, but Sandy ain't having it. He says he talked to Frank's prison doctor and he knows that Frank doesn't have cancer. And now Ryan's going to have to find out that yet another family member lied to him. Frank starts to get pissed, and you can see just a little of that scary, violent edge he used to have. But Sandy keeps on going, saying he's called Frank a cab and he can either tell Ryan the truth before he leaves or let Sandy do it afterwards. Frank tries to appeal to Sandy's conscience, saying that he was desperate and didn't think Ryan would agree to see him unless he said he was dying, even after all the work he put into being clean and straightening his life out. In those whopping six weeks that he's spent out of jail. Sorry, Frank, but you lost the choice of whether or not you could see Ryan when you sucked at being a father to him and went to jail for eight years. Now it's Ryan's decision whether or not he wants to re-establish contact with you, and you have to respect whichever decision he makes. Sandy won't budge, and Frank shoots him a great ice-cold glare as everyone enters the room.
Ryan knows something's up. Sandy prompts Frank to tell Ryan the truth, but Frank refuses to do it. Sandy kicks him out of the house, but Frank refuses to leave, saying that Ryan is his son. "Not anymore," Sandy says. YES, SANDY! YOU ARE THE FATHER! SANDY 1, FRANK 0! Sandy starts moving Frank towards the door, but Frank shoves him away and puts this really nasty growl into his voice as he tells Sandy not to touch him. He dares Sandy to hit him, even shoving Sandy backwards. And how awesome is it that they gave us a glimpse into the kind of person Frank is, or at least used to be? Just a few seconds, but it's enough to give me faith again that the writers know what they're doing and weren't going to write this former wife and child beater as the most awesome guy around. And then the look on Ryan's face when Frank uses that tone, which I'm sure he recognizes. It's pretty awesome indeed, although not as much as the moment when Sandy punches Frank in the face. Glorious! Frank recovers from the punch and growls that Sandy just made a mistake. The womenfolk stay in the doorway and chew on their knuckles. Ryan steps forward and puts himself between the men. "I'm standing right here, Frank!" Sandy says, testosterone and his eyebrows flowing. Frank starts towards Sandy, but Ryan holds him back and yells at them both to stop. The men start to cool down, and Sandy says that Frank has something to tell Ryan. Ryan says they can talk outside, and away they go. Kirsten asks Sandy what is going on, like, DUH, Kirsten. Put the fucking pieces together! Sandy says that Frank doesn't have terminal cancer after all, and his hand really hurts from that punch. Taylor goes off to get some ice while Kirsten just stands in the doorway and appears to fall asleep.
Kaitlin stops by Harbor to catch ChrisBrown at the end of the band's basketball halftime show. She congratulates him on his little prank and says he might not be so much of a geek after all. Yeah, it was really ballsy of him to not help her on the homework assignment that he wasn't getting any credit for. ChrisBrown mumbles something about respect, and Kaitlin denies caring whether or not she has ChrisBrown's respect. But she's still standing there, so apparently she cares a little bit. ChrisBrown takes this opportunity to ask her out and is flatly rejected. Ha!
... and we've missed Frank actually telling Ryan that he doesn't have cancer. That's, what, three really big scenes that have taken place off-camera in this episode? I know we're a little pressed for time since the show only has eight episodes left, but I feel a little cheated. We enter the scene as Frank's in the process of defending himself and making excuses for his behavior. He says he lied because he didn't think Ryan would agree to see him otherwise and that really, out of all the crappy things Frank has done, this is pretty low on the list. Ryan scoffs that that might not be the point Frank wants to make right now. "I want to do better. Will you help me?" Frank pleads. It's not your son's job to help you, Frank, although it is your job to help your son. Nice role-reversal there, deadbeat. The cab pulls up, and Ryan tells Frank to go. "It's too soon," he says. Frank starts to say that he's working hard to change, but Ryan cuts him off with "not for you -- for me." Yeah, see, Frank, it's not actually about you. It's about your son and what's best for him. It wasn't you then and if he says it isn't you now, then the best thing you can do for him is to beat it. And by "beat it," I mean "leave town," not "hit Dawn Atwood." Frank finally gets it. He and Ryan exchange a hilarious awkward hug and then apologize for their lack of hugging skills. Ryan tells Frank he'll call him and watches yet another person in his life who couldn't quite live up to the basic standards of human decency drive away.
Back inside, Taylor is anxiously waiting for Ryan. She asks him if he's okay, and he congratulates her on making it through her first family dinner. She says the meal was "intense," but they've made it through their first "major relationship milestone." Taylor really needs to stop putting labels on everything that happens. But Ryan rolls with it, until Taylor brings up having dinner with Veronica Townsend. "No family's perfect, right?" Ryan says, teeth gritted. "Yours is pretty close," Taylor says, nodding her head towards the Cohens; "Why don't you go spend time with them?" What what what?!?! A girlfriend who actually encourages Ryan to spend time with the Cohens and doesn't demand his attention every single second? It's like a miracle!
Ryan heads for the kitchen, where he finds Sandy icing his hand. Sandy says he's used to getting into scraps, thanks to his Bronx youth, and sincerely apologizes for losing his temper with Frank. And he should. As great and satisfying as that punch was, I think the last thing Ryan needs is see his adopted father resort to the same kind of violence in a household setting that his biological one did. But Ryan says Frank deserved the punch and his father is "right here." Aww! He even volunteers to give Sandy a few fighting pointers just in case some of his "mean uncles" ever decide to drop by. Which is not a bad idea for a series finale. I'm just saying.
Julie consoles Frank, who says he would've gotten caught in his lie eventually. Yeah, like when he didn't die. What a terrible plan that was from Frank. I guess we know where Ryan gets his ideas about escaping the police by boating down to Mexico. Frank does admit that if he had spent more time with his kid then, he'd have more time with him now. And then he hands Julie some cooked books so she can continue her lucrative prostitution ring. Well, it's nice to see that prison helped Frank change. From blue collar crime to white collar crime. Maybe time, he'll go to one of those country club prisons. Julie claims that her dabbles in the prostitution business are over, but she takes the books anyway. And then Frank and Julie kiss passionlessly.
Back at the Cohen house, Ryan, Kirsten, and Sandy are watching TV when Seth comes into the living room. He says he's going to be visiting Dr. Neil in Seattle soon, which Kirsten finds curious and Ryan finds disgusting. He shakes his head disappointedly and everything. Seth inquires as to the whereabouts of Frank, and Kirsten simply replies that Sandy punched him. "You punched a dying man?!" Seth asks. Way to be sensitive about Ryan's dad's fake illness there, Seth. Kirsten orders Seth onto the couch to join in the family time and the four of them sit there and watch a program about meerkats and joke about Sandy's hardcore Bronx gang past in a slow fade to black. This is what we love about this show. Let's hope for more of it before it all ends for good.