Pirates!

S03E23

It's prom time, but no one has a date except Taylor Townsend, who's still with her Korean restaurant boyfriend. After several weak attempts by Seth to convince Summer to forgive him and be his prom date, he ends up using Anna again and takes her as his date to make Summer jealous. Ryan makes a spur-of-the-moment decision to bring Theresa, Marissa brings a reluctant Volchok, and Taylor hooks Summer up with her boyfriend's Korean pop star cousin. None of these dates are particularly successful, especially with Summer getting wasted and taking a header off of the prom theme pirate ship and Volchok ditching Marissa to make out with some other high school girl. Worse yet, he steals the five thousand dollars worth of cash that Taylor Townsend the Incredible Moron had stuffed in the pocketbook that she casually left around to pay for the prom after party. While Seth finally tells a barfy Summer the truth about not getting into Brown, Ryan heads to Volchok's apartment for a knock-down, drag-out fight that ends with Volchok bleeding on the ground either unconscious or dead. Also, the adults get a few seconds of screen time where Sandy finds out that he and Griffin are being investigated by the police and Kirsten doesn't drink any alcohol.

The previously segments on this show are ridiculous; they always have a scene from, like, two seasons ago or some minor scene from a few months ago that could only have been included because the upcoming show will focus on that moment. For instance, in this episode, we see a scene from Summer and Seth's last fight makeup when Seth gave Summer his list of shameful misdeeds.

Seth and Ryan walk along the Promenade, and fittingly discuss the prom. Seth is bummed that Summer is angry at him, and that they won't get a chance go to such a "mythic" event together, saying that every time he tries to get near Summer, she blows her rape whistle. With that, Seth plays his imaginary rape whistle in what has to be an ad-lib, just based on the shit-eating grin he sported after giving the whistle an awesome "Rrrrrape!" flourish. Seth: making rape cute since 2006. Ryan doesn't think that the prom is such a big deal, since he's from Chino where they don't have such fancy events. Also, because he is a heterosexual male. Ryan invites Seth to spend the night hanging out with him and watching a movie. Seth rudely declines his offer, preferring to get close enough to Summer to ask her to the prom with his latest stupid plan: impersonating a Brown admissions officer. Seth asks Ryan whether he's planning on inviting anyone, such as Tina Woo, or maybe even Theresa. Ryan promises only to think about it, thanking Seth for not saying anything about Ryan and Marissa going together. Yes, Ryan is so unwilling to discuss the prospect of going to the prom with Marissa that he himself has just brought it up. Seth says he figured that Marissa would be going to the prom with her "Surf Nazi," which, I guess, Volchok is, now that he's trying to be Marissa's idea of the perfect man. At this, the boys notice Volchok making out with a girl who definitely isn't Marissa right out in the open. I don't understand why Volchok bothered to even care about getting back with Marissa last week if he doesn't care enough about her to be faithful, but whatever.

Summer is none too pleased to find out that her morning meeting at the diner with a Brown admissions officer is just Seth. That's what you get for thinking that a freaking Brown admissions guy would come all the way to Newport to eat pancakes with you, isn't it, Summer? She really isn't smart enough to have gotten into Brown.

Theresa and Ryan are also having a morning meeting, where they discuss the time and place of their very first kiss. It was at Theresa's sixth birthday, when Ryan the Reluctant Dancer ran away from the dance floor, so she tracked him down and kissed him, for those of you keeping track at home. Ryan is happy to have the memory back when Theresa reminds him of it, and they laugh. Then Ryan asks her to the prom.

Marissa shows up at Volchok's place to invite him to the prom. Geez, everyone on this show is a Last-Minute Louie. Don't people usually plan for the prom, like, a month in advance? I know I did -- there's the dress to buy and have altered and the hair appointments to make and the date to get and the limo to rent and all that. You can't just do it overnight. Unless you live in The O.C., I guess.

At the diner, Seth's order of pancakes arrives, and he begs Summer to take a seat at his booth and look at them. She does, and we see "Prom?" has been spelled out in chocolate chips. Summer disgustedly pushes the plate away. That looks like a "No" to me.

Theresa is hesitant to accept Ryan's invitation, saying that she's sort of seeing a guy she works with. Ryan says he should go get ready for school anyway. I can't BELIEVE how much stuff these kids get accomplished before school. I'm lucky if I can get a freaking shower accomplished before I go to work in the morning, let alone having to actually carry on a conversation with someone.

At Volchock's. While Marissa displays the worst posture I've ever seen on a living human, Volchok turns down her generous prom invitation.

Back at the diner, Summer mentions Anna, saying that pancakes and chocolate chips won't make her forget that Seth has been seeing her behind her back. It's not like Summer's the sharpest knife in the drawer, though, so I can't blame Seth for thinking that would work.

After some thought, Theresa tells Ryan that her mother loves babysitting. Looks like Ryan has a prom date!

Volchok says he never went to prom back when he was in high school in the late '80s because he never got close enough to graduation to do it. Marissa says that's fine; now he'll get to experience it and he'll have Marissa there to "protect" him. She even uses her creepiest baby voice when she says that, just to make Volchok feel as little like a man as possible. He accepts her invitation.

Summer, however, tells Seth she'd rather feed him to sharks if they were on a deserted island than go to the prom with him. Hey, settle down there, Sue Hawk!

Anna's cell phone rings. She gasps at this, because EVERYTHING elicits some kind of over-the-top reaction from Anna. If she's in Pittsburgh, which is three hours later than Newport, shouldn't she be, like, in school right now? Or is it 4 in the morning in Newport and, therefore, only 7 in Pittsburgh? Those kids wake up so early! Seth is calling, and he tells Anna that Summer rejected his stupid pancake olive branch. Anna says that this is all her fault, since Anna believes that the universe revolves around her. You're not Marissa, Anna. Stop thinking like her. She urges Seth to tell Summer the truth about Brown and how he didn't get in, but Seth says he can't. After promising Summer that he'd never lie to her again, he doesn't think she'll forgive him if he confesses that he lied to her one more time. Guess you should have thought of that before you opened your lying mouth, eh, Seth? Seth sighs that he has given up on trying to get back with Summer and rings off, because if he's not talking to Anna about Summer, then he has nothing to say to her.

Over in the Cohen Mansion of Poorly-Established Marital Strife, Sandy is acting like that whole toast to him turning into Caleb thing Kirsten did never even happened. Instead, he asks Kirsten what's going on with their sons and prom weekend. Kirsten replies that it doesn't seem like anything is going on, since Ryan, and maybe Seth, is single, as well. Sandy thinks they should try to convince Seth and Ryan not to miss this "milestone" of their teenage years, which, by the way, prom definitely is not. Especially, I'd think, for a group of kids who dress up all fancy for events like this several times a year. Kirsten asks Sandy when he's planning on talking to them, and he asks her whether she was planning on doing it in a more private location this time. Kirsten apologizes for that, but says that it at least got him to listen. Even though it obviously didn't, since he's still happily going about his life pretending that everything is fine. And that's what he'd prefer to do for the few months until Seth and Ryan leave the house for college, after which they can decide "how best to proceed." Whoa! Sandy's ready to get divorced now just because of one ill-advised retirement party toast? Kirsten almost tells him about how she lost her shit and drank after the party, but chickens out.

The kids have finally arrived at school, where Taylor Townsend tracks Summer down to hand her her prom tickets and collect the fifty-dollar donation for the "rager" of an after-party she's planned for the Bait Shop. I imagine it will be; that place really rocked out when Johnny's funeral thing was there. Summer says that she won't be going to the prom despite her Prom Queen victory last year, but Taylor Townsend has other ideas: she even got Summer a date! Sung-Ho -- who Taylor Townsend says is "wonderfully hairless" (because Asians are hairless) and is "like hooking up with a seal" (because Asians feel like marine mammals) -- has a cousin named Young-Na, visiting from Seoul, where he is a huge Korean pop star. Meanwhile, PETA members aren't sure whether they should write letters of complaint or praise to the show after that seal sex line. Taylor Townsend is pleased to report that Young-Na is also a model and has had some anime (because Asians love anime!) characters "based" on him. Thus, I am expecting Young-Na to have gigantic eyes, almost no nose, and a mouth that is capable of exceeding the parameters of his face when necessary. Should be interesting. But Summer wants no part in this...until Taylor Townsend points out that it will make Seth feel like crap to see her with someone else.

Ryan takes a seat to Marissa in the lounge. She notices the prom tickets in his hand. Ryan tells her that Theresa will be his date, and also that her son, while "really cute," is not his. Marissa says she'll be going with Volchok, and Ryan tries to pretend he's happy for her.

School's over! Back home, Seth leaves a message on Summer's cell phone, apologizing for whatever he did to her in the girl's bathroom that he felt was necessary in order to explain to her that he and Anna are not together. As he speaks, he opens the front door to reveal...Anna! Anna, whose parents are rich and irresponsible enough to put her on a plane to Newport on a school day, is there to make things right between her ex-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend. Anna's parents are as brainless as she is, I guess.

Ryan marches over to Volchok's place and bangs on his huge metal sliding door. You guys, Volchok's apartment is ridiculous. Also, does Volchok really HAVE to have a Budweiser in his hand every time we see him? There are other ways to show that a guy's a bad-ass besides having him drink piss-colored water all the time. Ryan gets straight to the point: he saw Volchok with another girl the last night. Volchok denies this, and tries to get Ryan pissed off by saying that he'd never cheat on someone so "hot in every way" as Marissa. And then Marissa walks up complaining of snakes in Volchok's shower, which are not, of course, nearly as cool as snakes on a plane. She sees Ryan standing in the doorway and asks him what brings him by, and he has to think quickly. He comes up with an invitation to the Cohens for pre-prom photo time. Why didn't he just tell her about how he saw Volchok cheating on her? It's not like Volchok was doing much to hide that fact by being all out in the open like that. If Ryan cared enough about it to confront Volchok, then he should also care enough to tell Marissa. Either you want to be a part of her life or you don't, Ryan. You can't have it both ways.

It appears to be the day, when Ryan finds Anna searching through the Cohen refrigerator. Ryan greets her, and Anna tells him that she's staying with her aunt and uncle while she's in town because her parents switched houses or something. I don't know and I don't care. Shut up, Anna. Seth walks in the room, calling Anna a "true friend" for flying two thousand miles just to make sure he goes to the prom with Summer. I'd call that a "true sucker." He begs Anna to tell him what her brilliant plan is to make his dream prom happen. Phase One, Anna says, is for her to go to Summer's house and tell her that there is nothing going on between her and Seth. Seth doesn't have much confidence in this plan, and Anna reveals Phase Two: Seth takes Anna to the prom. She even brought a dress along with her on the off-chance that what is sure to be an annoying, gasping apology from her to Summer didn't cut the mustard. With that, Anna leaves. Seth makes a face that I believe is supposed to be his respect for Anna falling by the second.

Summer listens to her prom date's hit CD. His band is called "Big Korea," which doesn't have the trendy tongue-in-cheek cache as, let's say, a band called "Big Japan," whose members aren't Japanese, and one of whom is a rich little actor pretending to be emo. Nice try, though, Big Korea. While Summer complains about Young-Na's apparent lack of talent, Marissa holds up an ugly piece of fabric and asks Summer whether she thinks Volchok will like it. I mean, I guess, although I think it's a little too early in your relationship for you to be putting your window dressings all over the guy's apartment -- oh. Oh, no. That's not a curtain...it's Marissa's prom dress. Heinous! Summer keeps talking about herself, though, and Marissa quickly loses interest, and, instead, starts studying the myriad of folds in her tablecloth of a gown. Summer opens her desk drawer and pulls out -- you guessed it! -- Seth's napkin of confessions. She throws it in an envelope, saying that it's time for Sandy and Kirsten to know what their son has really been up to lately. Marissa begs Summer not to, saying that it won't accomplish anything and that Seth may be telling the truth about nothing going on between him and Anna. Plus, it could bore them to death. It's just about killed me to have to watch it, that's for sure. Just then, Anna, "Woman of the Worst Timing Ever," knocks on the bedroom door and walks right in. Marissa's look of shock and horror is pretty great here.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything," Anna says. Oh, Anna -- you're ALWAYS interrupting something. Marissa greets Anna, and then makes a quick departure from the room, which you can't really blame her for. I wouldn't have even stopped to say hello to Anna as I ran as far away from her as possible. "I need you..." Summer calls after Marissa. But Marissa is long gone, having made a quick escape by turning sideways and slipping through the floorboards. So Summer turns to Anna, who just grins at her like a freaking moron. Finally, Anna remembers how to speak and tells Summer that she and Seth are not together and that Summer misunderstood their airport hug. Summer's not buying it, and pretty much pushes Anna out the door, saying that she has to get ready for her prom date, the huge Korean rock star. Anna asks whether she can go with Seth to the prom if Summer isn't, which goes a long way to convince Summer that Anna doesn't see anything in Seth. As soon as Anna's gone, Summer determinedly licks that envelope closed.

Seth and Ryan discuss Seth's plans for tonight. Seth tells Ryan Anna's plan: when Summer sees Seth and Anna together, she'll come to her senses and realize that she can't live without the guy who dumped her. And despite his denials that he's not seeing Anna, has shown up at the freaking prom with her in order to shove her in Summer's face. Yes, I'm sure Summer will realize what a prize you are when confronted with that reality, Seth. Seth and Ryan are both dubious of this plan, but Seth thinks they should leave it to Anna, who has "more knowledge of the female psyche" than they do. Except that I'm pretty sure that Anna doesn't have more knowledge than anyone about anything. Anna enters the room wearing her prom dress and the same hairstyle she's had every time we've seen her. Impressive.

Summer and Marissa -- wearing their plain and ugly prom dresses, respectively -- study a picture of them with their former boyfriends back in the days when they all dressed more like normal teenagers.

Volchok tries to tie his tie. But he doesn't know how, and he doesn't have a Sandy Cohen around to show him. So he gives up, and drinks more beer. Open collar -- it's a good look.

Summer and Taylor Townsend arrive at Sung-Ho's house, and Summer is introduced to her date. Several bows are exchanged in a scene that reminds us that Charlie Chan-style humor never disappeared.

Theresa arrives at the Cohens', and Ryan is happy to see her.

For some reason, Sung-Ho's entire family has followed Taylor Townsend and Summer to the Cohens for the prom photos. And yet, Taylor Townsend's family is nowhere in sight. Seth says Summer's date reminds him of a guy from the anime Full Metal Alchemist. I'd say he was right, but I don't really know anything about anime other than that stuff I said about the big eyes and mouths earlier. Marissa and a tie-less Volchok arrive, and Ryan shakes Volchok's hand before Ryan's pounced on by Taylor Townsend, who demands his and Seth's share of the after-party donation money. Sandy steps up to hand her the cash, and Volchok watches with interest as she puts it in her bag. While everyone else leaves to take prom photos outside, Summer goes off to Sandy's office to put the confession letter on his desk (which has a picture of Seth on it, but nothing of Ryan), and Volchok walks off in search of a bathroom, a.k.a. Taylor Townsend's purse.

The kids have their prom photos taken. Big Korea mugs a lot. Marissa is alone. Ha ha. Taylor Townsend and her boyfriend look really cute together. I spend most of this sequence trying to figure out what kind of camera everyone has, since I have to buy a new one to replace the one that was stolen from me, and I have no idea what brand to get.

Ryan goes searching for Volchok, now entering the fifteenth minute of his bathroom break, and finds him in the study just as Volchok's about to get his hands on that after-party money. Volchok quickly starts filling his flask with some of the hard alcohol Sandy likes to leave open around his house, a house which is occupied by a recently recovering alcoholic and two underage, mischievous boys, and Ryan is none the wiser. He is sure to tell Volchok that if he screws prom night up for Marissa, he'll come after him. Volchok doesn't seem too scared of that.

Finally, we're at the prom (theme: Pirates!) which looks more like a Halloween ball than a prom to me. First of all, it's being held in the Harbor gym, whereas my high school prom was held at a classy banquet hall and we had dinner and everything. Like, it wasn't just a dance. And this one even has stupid people in pirate costumes walking around! Lame! Although I will say that that pirate ship is pretty cool. Everyone compliments Taylor Townsend on her prom organizing skills, including Marissa, who says it's "way better" than anything she could have planned. Taylor Townsend is touched, and says, with her typical cluelessness when it comes to human interaction, that she's always known she was better than Marissa at Social Chair stuff, and is thrilled to hear Marissa finally acknowledge it. Volchok awesomely laughs at this.

Anna and Seth proceed with Phase Two of Anna's plan, which involves Seth and Anna hugging and telling each other how happy they are to be at prom together. Anna's plan sure does make a lot of good things happen for Anna, doesn't it? How strange! Summer does not rush to Seth's side and beg him to take her back, but, rather, goes rushing to Volchok's side and begs for his flask and its contents.

On her way to put her purse full o'cash down someplace inconspicuous and yet unattended, Taylor Townsend just happens to run into American Idol contestant Lisa Tucker, who actually turns out to be a decent actress, but still doesn't get to be in a scene with any of the real castmembers. Probably because she would show them up.

Volchok isn't having a great time at prom. He wants to step out and smoke some "kush," and how nice his life must be that he can have no obvious mode of income besides the occasional construction job. And yet he can afford to live in such a huge place and buy high-quality weed. Marissa turns his offer down, saying that she wants to actually enjoy her prom, as marijuana apparently makes you sad now. But Volchok won't be alone, as some weird woman with huge hair overheard the conversation, and is willing to accompany him outside.

Sandy, Kirsten, Julie, and Dr. Neil sit, eat, and reminisce about their children. They're growing up so fast, even though this episode seems to have lasted a year and a half to me. While Dr. Neil and Julie remember when Summer and Marissa wore matching outfits to their first day of kindergarten and, after being super-pissed-off and embarrassed, they became best friends. Sandy and Kirsten share memories of Seth's fifth-grade phase of answering only to Boba Fett. Of course, no one has any memories of Ryan. Kirsten moves to propose a toast, and, considering her toast history, everyone has the right to look nervous here. But she simply congratulates Julie and Dr. Neil on their engagement -- right before Dr. Neil gets a call and excuses himself. "I just hope Neil and I are as happy as you and Sandy," Julie says, even though she knows very well how unhappy they've been lately.

Inside, Dr. Neil is talking to someone on the phone about Sandy. We don't know what they're saying, but judging by that ominous music, it can't be good.

It's slow dance time at the prom. Ryan and Theresa are enjoying themselves. Summer's also enjoying herself, but that's more because of the copious amounts of alcohol she's been drinking all night. Marissa is all alone. Seth and Anna dance together; he only has eyes for Summer. Seth says that he wants to talk to Summer, but Anna tells him he can't because, you know, she wants Seth for herself. She tells him that Summer is thinking about how she shouldn't have doubted Seth before. Summer just looks drunk to me.

Even though the song isn't over, Taylor Townsend calls the prom to order from high atop her pirate ship. It's time to announce the Prom King and Queen, although Taylor Townsend would like to make a speech of her own first. A Featured Extra doesn't like this idea one bit, and starts heckling Taylor Townsend. I think it's the same guy who heckled her at that drop-in night. Because Harbor students don't have any adult supervision whatsoever, no chaperones come over to smack the kid upside the head, and Taylor Townsend is forced to cut her speech short to open the envelopes. The Prom Queen is...Summer Roberts! Seth is amazed, as am I; does Summer even have any other friends in that school? Seriously, we don't see her with or hear her so much as mention other people at that school, and we all know how unpopular her boyfriend was, so how did that happen? Summer drags Big Korea to the top of the pirate ship and gets on the mike, slurring out a thank-you speech and then introducing the crowd to her prom date, "The number one pop star in Korea." Two Korean girls instantly scream and jump up and down, like, how did they get in there? Are they Korean-American students who have a great deal of knowledge about their culture, or some random Korean girls who wandered in off the street? I'm so confused. Summer adds that she is going to kiss her prom date, and Seth asks Anna what part of her plan this was. Anna assures him that everything will work out. Summer kisses Big Korea, and then falls head first off of the pirate ship and into the crowd below. "Man overboard!" Taylor Townsend cries, as she rethinks her design decision to have a piece of the boat's railing cut away. Marissa and Seth also run to Summer's aid, but she doesn't want anyone near her and runs away. Seth follows, freaking out that Summer needs the all-healing powers of a towelette and generally acting like an ass. Marissa heads off to help Summer to the after-party, asking Ryan to try to find her date for her. He's happy to be of service. But first, Theresa gets a phone call from that mysterious guy she's been sort of seeing and goes to take it. Before she goes to take the call, Theresa tells Ryan that she's happy to be at his prom and wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

So now Ryan has to find Volchok. He's not too hard to locate, though, because he's making out with that giant-haired girl on the balcony of some office. Ryan's not too happy to see him, and even less pleased when Marissa comes up behind him. He tries to cover for Volchok and make Marissa search elsewhere, but Marissa squeezes past Ryan and finds Volchok with the girl anyway. "Oh, my God," she states. Volchok just looks angry that his nasty make-out session has to end now. He shoves the girl away, and then gets a wicked slap across the face from Marissa. And I mean a HELL of a slap. I'm surprised she didn't take his jawbone off with that. He takes a minute to recover, then asks Marissa what she expected from him, dragging him out and parading him around in front of her rich kid friends. He wasn't about to turn into a "bitch boy" like Ryan. At this, Ryan steps forward, ready for a fight. What is he even doing there still, anyway? This is none of his business. Butt out, Ryan. "You're nothing like [Ryan]," Marissa responds tearfully; "Clearly. I was wrong about you." "Finally, you're learning," Volchok says. And he leaves so Marissa can put her hand to her forehead and assume her grief pose. Ryan puts his arm around her like a bitch boy.

After dinner, Julie and Kirsten put the dishes away. Julie asks Kirsten how she's doing, and Kirsten admits that she drank last week. But she hasn't had a drink since and has been attending AA meeting every day. Julie insists that Kirsten tell Sandy about this, but Kirsten doesn't think she should say that the stress of their marriage is causing her to drink. "That's exactly what you should say," Julie says. Or maybe Kirsten should go to therapy in addition to her AA meetings and find a way to handle her shit without resorting to the drinking that ruined her life and those of the people around her instead of blaming Sandy for her problems. Kirsten says that she doesn't want the threat of her drinking to be the only thing that keeps her marriage together.

People party down at the Bait Shop. Upstairs, Ryan assures Marissa that he told the doorman not to let Volchok in (like Volchok really seemed interested enough in the prom to want to attend its offshoot parties). Marissa goes off to get a drink, and sneaks into a back room with a liquor bottle.

Summer is also in the back room, lying down and trying to recover from her overconsumption. Anna and Seth come to visit her, and Anna pronounces it time to begin Phase Three, in which Seth realizes that the only way he can win Summer back is to tell her the fucking truth already because Phases One and Two failed so horribly. Somehow, I don't think Anna had this planned all along. First of all, I don't think she has the brain capacity to think that far ahead, and second of all, because that plan really sucked, and involved her coming to Newport for no good reason. Anna takes her leave of the ex-couple, saying she'll seem them both in Providence. Oh, good.

After Anna leaves, Summer has the Line of the Episode: "I don't think she's that smart. I think that she's dumb. She's got a dumb name and dumb hair." Then she seems to pass out, which Seth takes to be the perfect opportunity to tell her the truth, when he figures she won't be paying attention and won't remember it tomorrow. But when he tells her that he didn't get into Brown, she jumps up. Seth explains that he broke up with Summer so she wouldn't turn Brown down for him and then tried to get into Brown by talking up an admissions guy. Summer calls it the stupidest thing she's ever heard. And yet, it aired on network television over the course of several episodes. Seth finishes that he was hugging Anna because she may have gotten him into RISD, and Summer feels very stupid about everything -- especially that letter she know regrets leaving on Sandy's desk. But when she tries to warn Seth about it, she just barfs on his shoes. And they make up, but decide to kiss when Summer's mouth is cleaner.

Dr. Neil calls Sandy aside. His phone call was from a colleague who's heard rumors about Griffin's illegal activities, some of which involve Sandy. The board is going to suspend Griffin and move for a criminal investigation of Griffin and Sandy, even though Sandy's never done anything illegal. And yet, he seems scared shitless.

Marissa drinks on the pier. She does not get arrested for breaking open container laws. Boo.

Ryan sits down to Theresa, who tells him not to worry about Marissa, because she senses that Marissa is stronger than she used to be. Okay, Theresa. Theresa thinks that Ryan has gotten stronger, too, and kept a great handle on his temper by not beating the crap out of Volchok. One thing that hasn't changed about Ryan, though, is his inability to dance. Ryan denies this, and even does some dance moves almost entirely off-camera to illustrate what a good dancer he really is. Thanks for depriving us of what looked like it was a genuinely nice moment there, editors. Then they look at each other and decide that they probably shouldn't get involved with each other again. Right as they move in to kiss, there's a horrible shriek.

It's Taylor Townsend doing her best B-movie horror film starlet impression. What's wrong? Well, the five thousand dollars she was going to use to pay for the after-party has been stolen out of her purse. Ryan tells her not to call the police because he knows where that money is. I'd say it could be anywhere; Taylor Townsend stupidly left her purse unattended for the entire night and we never saw Volchok actually take the money out of it.

Ryan bangs on Volchok's door. Volchok opens it, and Ryan walks inside, finds the money, and puts it in his jacket to take back to Taylor. Volchok says Ryan must think he's an idiot to screw things up with Marissa and steal that money, when everyone would know it was him. But, apparently, Volchok did it on purpose so he could get Ryan in his apartment and he could finally have his rematch. Wow, he went through a lot just to get into a fistfight. Stupid. Ryan says he doesn't want to fight Volchok, but Volchok baits him, saying that he can have Marissa any time he wants her, even after this. With that, Ryan spins around and sucker-punches Volchok in his true dirty fighting style. Volchok goes down laughing, and Ryan tries to leave the apartment until Volchok launches an empty beer bottle at his head, narrowly missing him. And then it's ON. The boys kick and punch and scrap, throwing each other into Volchok's various possessions and destroying the apartment. Smart choice of fighting location there, Volchok. Hope you had renter's insurance and it had a fistfight damage clause! Volchok seems to have the upper hand, as he pins Ryan to the ground. Then he lifts up an ashtray and holds it over Ryan's head, just like Trey did during their epic battle last season. Since there's no Marissa around to shoot Ryan's problems away, he has to do it himself. He jumps up, throws Volchok to the floor, and punches him in the face over and over again until he realizes that Volchok isn't moving anymore. Well, that's gotta be a felony. Whoops.