After beating Volchok senseless, which wasn't really a long trip, Ryan drops him off at the hospital.Volchok comes to long enough to mutter that he was jumped by a bunch of guys, thus letting Ryan off the hook. But then Volchok tells Ryan to meet him at his place the day, since they have much to discuss. Aaand Ryan's back on the hook! But in case there was any doubt, Volchok makes sure to tell the orderly that Ryan isn't his friend. The day, a stitched up, but still ugly, Volchok blackmails Ryan into being his lookout for some job that will take place in Ryan's neighborhood. No, not Chino, Newport. DUN! Well, it was a DUN! for me because I still think of Chino when Ryan refers to "[his] neighborhood." Sandy seems totally carefree and is actually a bit excited to be told that Riviera is naming him as Man of the Year because of all his work on the hospital. Kirsten is less than thrilled, as she notes that her father had the same dubious honor. Sandy later meets with his old buddy, the D.A., to find out just how many fathoms of shit he might be in because of Griffin's misdeeds. The D.A. tells Sandy he can save himself by cooperating with the D.A. and informing on Griffin. However, the hospital will go down with Griffin and Sandy's not quite ready to let that happen. Meanwhile, Kirsten is stressed and worried and slips back into the colorless, tasteless, and odorless arms of La Vodka. Seth finds his mother passed out and studiously cleans out her mug while contemplating a little substance abuse himself. The good thing is Kirsten is still going to AA meetings and admitting to her group that she's had a relapse because of stress at home. Seth overhears Kirsten admission, and determines that his father is the one to blame. Marissa prances around Caitlin's school, getting herself involved in her little sister's hijinks and even helping lil' sis out of a jam by wearing a very short LaCrosse skirt and not very much of a LaCrosse blouse, all of which helps me learn a new word: LaCrosstitute. Summer spends most of the episode trying to sneak Seth's cocktail napkin confession away from Sandy, but spills the entire beans anyway, including letting Sandy know that Seth didn't get into Brown. When Sandy confronts his son with all his misdeeds, Seth calls him less than a father and throws it in his face that Kirsten is drinking again. Sandy is just a bit gobsmacked. Later, Kirsten and Sandy have an honest heart-to-heart, after which Kirsten has a heart-to-heart with Seth and coaxes him into coming to the Man of the Year party. Kirsten then sends Seth off to get a mounted photograph of the hospital from Sandy's office. Seth has a heart-to-heart with a joint and "accidentally" sets his Dad's office on fire. If he calls it activist art it will totally help his RISD application. At the Man of the Year party, Sandy makes a big ol' speech where he DOESN'T accept Riveriera's dubious honor, because he has instead decided to be Father and Husband of the Year. Sandy adds that he plans to cooperate with the D.A. in their investigation of Griffin. He then very publicly hands over a folder to the D.A. that will prove helpful in their case. Cops walk in and start sniffing around. But for whom? Sandy? Ryan? Seth? Ryan sort of helps Volchok steal a big, fat fancy car from one of his neighbors and even gets called "little bitch" in the process, so it's supposed to be all ironic that he's right back where he started. However, unlike last time, Ryan doesn't get in the car with the scruffy, car-stealing bully and runs away, as the police chase the stolen car. Ryan gets Marissa to give him an alibi and they arrive at the Man of the Year part just in time to see Seth get led away in cuffs. Somewhere in there Theresa tells Ryan she will always love him, but can't be with someone who continues to live by his fists. Julie Cooper stands up to Dr.Neil when he tries to keep her from associating with the Cohens. I'm out of breath, how about you?
Previously: Dr. Neil told Sandy that Griffin was being investigated for "certain improprieties." Seth smoked pot and...wait...smoked POT?! What has happened to this show? I know I haven't watched much of this season, but Seth smoking pot...makes sense, actually. Not good sense; not "what a neat twist" sense; but "Season 3 of The O.C." sense. Kirsten drank again, but refused to use her alcoholism to blackmail Sandy. It makes sense, really, because telling Sandy would just get him upset and ruin the enjoyment of slamming down good glass of Central Coast Chardonnay. Seth wrote out all his misdeeds on a cocktail napkin and promised Summer that he would never lie again, but if he did, she could give the napkin to his father. The cocktail napkin is a thoughtful medium of confession, actually, because after Sandy finishes crying over his son he can blow his nose on it. Seth is such a snot. Summer, pissed off about Anna and Brown and so many things, dropped the cocktail napkin confession off on Sandy's desk before going to prom with Hayase and then regretted it. Marissa's prom date, Volchok, smoked pot, and made out with a date that was not his own. Ryan comforted Marissa peaceably, but later went off to defend her extremely dubious honor with his fists -- which were all the more furious when he learned that Volchok stole the prom money from Taylor Townsend's purse.
Ryan beating Volchok to a stubbly, pulpy mess is what segues us from previouslies into the episode of the evening. The camera angles get all fragmented and wavy and cold-lit, as Ryan crouches breathlessly over Volchok's inert body. Some severe close-ups try to take us into Ryan's head. Ryan reaches over to gently -- bit late for the soft touch, Ry -- check Volchok's pulse. Ryan barely touches him, when he becomes fascinated by the blood all over his knuckles. Wandering through the living room at this point, my husband proclaims Ryan a "pathological puncher." Ryan gets up and drives away in Volchok's behemoth of a beach van, while Bloc Party tells us, "If it can be broke than it can be fixed," which is a pretty good summation of this show, I think. I hope. Ryan winces at the lights of oncoming traffic, but finally pulls up somewhere and painfully puts the car into park. He rips open the back doors, and looks sickened at the sight of Volchok. The sight of Volchok is enough to sicken anyone, but our Ryan is more sensitive than that, and he's clearly sickened by what he did to Volchok's ugly mug. Irritated that no one at the hospital notices them, Ryan bellows, "Can I get some help over here?!?" An orderly comes over to help, and asks whether Ryan saw who beat up Volchok. Doesn't the orderly see the blood and cuts on Ryan's knuckles? Maybe he's not used to people bringing their human punching bags in for repair, and just assumes Ryan was helping to fight off the gang responsible for turning Volchok's face into steak tartare. As Ryan pauses, considering coming clean, Volchok mutters that he got jumped and that he didn't see who did it. Ryan warily looks over at the police, who are finally checking out the scene with interest, as the orderly says that they will want to question Ryan. Volchok tells Ryan to meet him at his place the day: "This ain't over." Ryan looks repulsed because he realizes Volchok wasn't being noble for not turning him in. When the orderly looks up and doesn't see Ryan, he asks Volchok, "Where's your friend?" "He's not my friend," Volchok corrects him. Ryan, standing off to the side in the shadow of a car, hears this and tries hard not to feel hurt.
Last summer, Mathra and I were driving back from San Diego and we skirted Newport. I wasn't yet watching this show, but I knew enough to look up at the red roofs and screech, "Hey, look it's tinkle-tinkle-TINK!" I later Netflixed the last two seasons, and made a California Road Trip Mix that starts off with "California." I'm pathetic because I got into this show totally because of the theme song.
Given Seth's recent extracurricular activities, I think Atomic County's The Ironist should have a slack-ass alter ego called "The Toker." The morning after prom, Marissa wakes up to her phone squeaking. It's Kaitlin just calling for a chat with her big sister: "So, how's your life? How's Ryan? Whatcha do last night? Give me all the deets." Marissa harrumphs, and makes herself comfortable before launching in to the epic that is Marissa Cooper's life: "Well, Ryan and I broke up, and my prom date got with another girl." "Oh, really, that's great," Kaitlin says, blows her sister off, which makes me giggle because it's exactly what I would do if Marissa was my sister. Kaitlin needs Marissa to snatch a letter sent from her school to their mother. "And by 'get,' do you mean 'keep it from her'?" Marissa wonders wryly. No flies on her. After some minor back and forth, where Marissa pretends she is not going to help Kaitlin out, Marissa finally agrees. "Oh, thank you, I love you!" Kaitlin says, and hangs up before Marissa can attempt to return the sentiment. I've been waiting and waiting and WAITING for an O.C. fan to come into the cheese shop, so I can gleefully point out one of the nastiest looking cheeses we have. It's fusty, dry, cracked, and wears really ugly hats. Its name? Cave-Aged Marisa.
Now it's Ryan's phone's turn to squeak. He picks it up, sees who it is and rolls his eyes. It's Theresa, who is calling to tell Ryan that she just got off the phone with "The Guy" -- who is twenty-eight, and really doesn't understand the importance of proms. Theresa babbles on that in the limo ride home, Summer's anime date may have suggested a threesome with Taylor Townsend. Silence from Ryan. Theresa interprets the silence, and asks, "That thing you had to do last night...?" Ryan tells her that it's taken care of, but that he can't hang out because there's something he's gotta do. Theresa suggests dinner, and Ryan absentmindedly agrees before hanging up. Seth brings in morning coffee to the pool house, and babbles about it being a good day for him since he finally came clean about Brown: "Life is just so much better when you're honest. You just mean what you say, you say what you mean." Sidestepping the wife beater-clad anvil, Seth adds, "I feel like you." Ryan asks that since he's on such an honest roll, is he going to come just as clean to the 'rents? Seth shakes his head: "Yeeeano." Seth says he's going to wait on that one a bit. He wants the family to have one crisis-free weekend in their lives. And the anvils keep on coming!
A hung over Summer surfaces from her drunken haze: "I wish I could pluck out my eyeballs with a fork and rinse them in a tall glass of ice water." "Yeah, that's a hangover," Marissa the Expert confirms, and then chuckles about how wasted Summer was at prom. Summer suddenly remembers leaving the cocktail napkin confession on Sandy's desk and rushes off to prevent a catastrophe, but first she has to go throw up. Marissa shakes her head so primly at the retching noises coming from the bathroom that one would think the last couple of years she spent trying to turn herself into a human distillery were nothing but a crackpipe dream.
With the Easter Bunny purple envelope sticking out prominently from Sandy's pile of files on his desk, Sandy chats on the phone about something being unexpected. Getting off the phone, he slides the stack of files into his briefcase, and walks into the kitchen. He announces that Riviera magazine has named him Man of the Year. Kirsten just stares at him, stunned. "Try not to faint," he yuks. I think she was trying not to vomit. And I don't think it's because she's been drinking, either. Kirsten still can't quite jump for joy, so Sandy adds, "They're calling the hospital phase one of Orange County's renaissance -- thinking it could be a model for responsible development for the entire country." I swear I thought he said "renaissucks." Remembering Matt Ramsay's broken face and apartment, Kirsten takes issue with the adjective "responsible," and reminds Sandy that his father was Man of the Year. "The irony is not lost on me," Sandy wryly says. He wants to take the Man of the Year honor as evidence that things are turning around for them. Kirsten hopes so, but also doubts it. Sandy pleads with her to be optimistic, as the boys walk into the kitchen. Brightly, Kirsten says, "Why don't you say 'good morning' to Newport's Man of the Year!" With less than his usual zeal, Seth retorts, "I knew it was only a matter of time before this town recognized my contribution to the community." "Have to be a man first," Ryan interrupts him. "Congratulations, Sandy." Sandy thanks him, and announces a big party the night that everyone must come to and wear their finest. Newport always seems rather short notice about their fancy dos. I mean, Sandy just got told he was Man of the Year today and now the party is tomorrow. It's like Riviera assumes that all the denizens of Newport have to do it loll about and wait for a party to be announced. Riviera is one smart magazine. "College letters, senior prom -- this family's on a streak; let's try and enjoy it," Sandy blathers. Both Seth and Ryan look sickened. I've decided that in about fifty years, Ryan is going to look exactly like Nebraska's senior senator, Chuck Hagel. Ryan and Sandy beat it out of there, but Seth stays behind to ask his mom, "You excited?" "It will be good for your father's career," Kirsten non-answers, carefully.
Sandy whips open the door and scares the about-to-knock Summer shitless. People about to embark on sneaky deeds are so easily rattled. Sandy directs Summer to Seth's location in the kitchen, and leaves. Summer darts over to Sandy's office and starts pawing through stuff on his desk, but when Seth appears and asks what she's doing, she squeaks, "Nothing. Looking for stamps." Seth looks confused: "You mailing a letter?" I think I'm beginning to see why he didn't get into Brown. "Not without stamps," Summer qualifies, and drags him off, saying, "Let's go make out upstairs." Hope she brushed her teeth. Boy, you get to have that hope a lot on this show, don't you?
Ryan and Marissa meet at the diner. "Hey, is everything okay?" Marissa asks over-impassionedly and looking around extremely shiftily. "You sounded weird on the phone." Honestly, I love Benjamin McKenzie, and I love what he does with his character on the show, but how could anyone really tell if he sounded "weird" on the phone? He barely seems to open his mouth. All his emotion comes from his eyes. If she had said, "Your eyes looked weird on the phone," I could understand it, but sounding weird on the phone is just sounding Ryan on the phone. Not answering, Ryan hands over Taylor Townsend's prom money and asks that Marissa give it to her. He confirms that it was stolen at the prom. Marissa rolls her eyes, and guesses that it was Volchok. Ryan just looks down. Marissa gets huffy: "I should go over there and kick his --" "No, no, no," Ryan interrupts her, "We got the money, so forget it." No, I want to know what the twig was about to say! Kick his what, Marissa? His can? His habit? His puppy? Marissa Cooper is a complex piece of wood with deep knots and whorls, so don't presume to know what was going on in that sawdust-packed head of hers, Ryan Atwood. I mean, can you blame her frustration? It's not like Volchok came with any warning signs. It's not like he was a violent crack fiend who told her mother he thought she was her dealer when Marissa was hiding in another room dabbing at her wet spot while the alcohol and cocaine seeped out of her pores. No, it wasn't like that at all, Marissa. Ryan tries to brush the whole thing away, which Marissa readily agrees to, because she's already bored with something that doesn't directly make her a drama queen. Besides all that, she's taking a road trip that weekend and needs to go home and pack. Oh, come on, Marissa; just throw two more flimsy tunics and a few fifths in mammoth designer purse and call it a day. Ryan pleads with her to stay so that he can buy her breakfast. Marissa grins and agrees, knowing full well it will take her no time at all to not eat anything.
Seth and Summer make out, until Summer suddenly sits up, and asks where Sandy was going that morning. Seth is confused by the turn their foreplay is taking. "He had his briefcase with him, does he usually keep important papers in there?" Summer wonders. Does she ever listen to herself and think how insane she sounds? Summer almost confesses what she did with Seth's confession, but decides to keep making out with him instead.
On the phone, Julie gets the "good" news about Sandy's Man of the Year honor and the party, and assures Kirsten that she and Dr. Neil will be there. See? Nothing to do but wait for a party to come knockin'. Dr. Neil walks into the room, learns about the party, and tells Julie about the D.A. investigation. Julie is full of concern for Sandy and Kirsten and determines that they have to warn Sandy. Getting serious, Dr. Neil takes off his glasses, and informs her, "I already did." Julie wonders why Kirsten doesn't know. Dr. Neil doesn't have an answer, so he puts his glasses back on.
Walking into Volchok's garage-house -- which is so completely overwrought in its corrugated metal ghettotude -- Ryan greets his punching bag, who is celebrating his broken ribs and seven stitches with a beer. It's in a silver can, so you know it's crap, not like my bacon-in-a-glass beer from Bavaria. Ryan starts to say that he didn't mean to hurt Volchok -- but hysterically thinks better of it -- and amends, "Well, not that bad, anyway." Volchok snorts, and admits that he asked for it. Ryan hopefully suggests that with the money returned and the stitches in, they're all good. Volchok wants him to guess again, and says that he needs some help with a little job: "I'm supposed to pick something up from this guy." "No, no, no," Ryan mutters. Just as though Ryan hadn't opened his mouth that one millimeter, Volchok goes on, "...drive, wait in the car." Ryan interrupts, "Whatever you're into, drugs, guns -- " Rock and roll? "It's none of your business," Volchok says rather prissily for an unshaven smarm who doesn't think it's at all Village People to wear a commercially faded sleeveless denim shirt. Ryan readily agrees that it's none of his business and he doesn't want to make it his business. "Right, because you got the good life now?" Volchok sneers, trying his hardest to make graduation and college sound like an insult. He threatens to charge Ryan with assault, so Ryan threatens right back to turn him in for stealing the money. "Money? What money?" Volchok says, looking around. Ryan tells him that no one will believe him, but Volchok doesn't care if they do: "'Cause I got nothing to lose, and you got everything." I don't know about that, after all, Ryan's going to Berkeley. He can just say he was kidnapped and brainwashed by the O.Cymbionese Liberation Army -- they're used to stuff like that. Volchok grins, and continues: "That's why you're a little bitch, and that's why you're helping me out tomorrow." Hey, dude? That "little bitch" just gave you two broken ribs and seven stitches. You know what it is? I think you want him to be your "little bitch." Literally. At the very least, it would explain the way you're barely wearing your shirt and the sultry slump on your couch. Ryan tries to get out of it, citing Sandy's Man of the Year party. "Then I guess they'll be cuffing you in your suit," Volchok announces. Did Ryan really think that Volchok would slap his forehead and say, "Dude! Riviera's Man of the Year party is tonight? Where are my manners? No, you should totally go -- forget my blackmail and attempt to bodily drag you into my sordid life of crime. Go have yourself a good time, man!"
Marissa arrives at Kaitlin's dorm and knocks. A brunette throws open the door, and says, "You can't do this to yourself every time you get the ratings." She's on the phone, and her looks and delivery are remarkably like Summer. Summer Lite looks at Marissa and explains, "It's my dad. You know The Valley? It's his show." The meta commentary used to be so much funnier when it wasn't so pathetic and pandering. "Well, what do you expect when you beat the same love triangle into the ground for three years?" Summer Lite asks her Josh Schwartzian father. Marissa tries to look over her shoulder, so Summer Lite finally asks, "Who are you?" Marissa tells her, and Summer Lite yells, "Hey bitch, your sister's here!" She introduces herself, and walks away saying, "Dad, I thought I told you to stay off the message boards!" Yeah, definitely Josh Schwartz. Or Aaron Sorkin.
Kaitlin wonders why Marissa is there. "Waiting for you to explain THIS," Marissa says, thrusting a wrinkled letter in her face. Oh, I just had a dreadful thought -- are they attempting to segue into The O.C.: TNG with these two? Because, ew. Although, I must confess that I do find Kaitlin way more palatable than her wood chippie sister.
Julie breaks the news of the D.A. investigation to Kirsten, who doesn't really react. Julie is genuinely sorry, and thought that Kirsten should know. Kirsten appreciates Julie's heads up, and murmurs that Sandy is going to take the news hard. Julie, a bit warily, says, "Sandy knows. Neil told him at dinner last night." Kirsten just stares.
Theresa and Ryan eat takeout in the pool house. Why does Chinese food takeout look so much tastier on TV than on my plate? I mean, I can't watch late-night Friends without grabbing my bedside Ton Kiang menu and hitting speed dial 3. I think it's because they always eat it straight out of the carton. I should really start doing that. Theresa asks Ryan if he ever imagined she would have a nanny looking after her baby back when they were in Chino stealing empties to buy Sour Patch Kids. "You've come a long way, is all," Ryan says. "So've you," Theresa points out, reminding him that he's graduating on Monday and going to Berkeley. She reaches over to take his hand and notes his scuffed knuckles. Theresa accusingly puts two and two together -- with the money and the beating up -- as Ryan's phone rings. Ryan answers it, and tells whoever is on the other end that he needs a few hours. Theresa gets up and prepares to stalk out, tossing over her shoulder, "You should've told him you'd be right there." Ryan tries to stop her ,and says that there are things he can't tell the Cohens or Seth, but he thought she'd understand. Theresa informs Ryan that there are guys out there who don't put fights on their Blackberried To-Do list. "Like the guy at work?" Ryan demands. Theresa tells him that she has a child to think about, and that she can't be with someone who is like her brother or Ryan's. Ryan denies being like either of them. It's true; if he was he'd be the one calling everybody "little bitch." "Maybe on your good days you're not, but right now my life isn't built for the bad ones," Theresa says. She tells him that she will always love him, but resists breaking into full-fledged Whitney Houston, as she kisses him on the neck and leaves.
At the NewNewport Group, Sandy reassures Kirsten that the D.A. can't have much of a case against either him or Griffin. He's hoping that the whole thing will just blow over. Because felony charges always do. Kirsten tells Sandy that Dr. Neil is talking to the D.A. tomorrow, so Sandy says he'll talk to Otis himself and find out what's going on. Sandy also promises to do everything he can not to let the situation land on the family. "It already has," Kirsten informs him.
Back at the house, Kirsten sticks her arm deep in a cupboard and pulls out the ubiquitous white capped, red-lettered bottle of vodka. Sandy grabs some files from his office safe.
At Kaitlin's school, Marissa, Summer Lite, and Kaitlin watch some glossy-lipped kid grin and preen in the middle of a crowd of guys and dolls. Kaitlin says that he's Trevor Knightly, the captain of the lacrosse team. With a name like that, he's also soon to be a news anchor on Fox News. "And those are his, like, his groupies -- lacrosstitutes," Summer Lite adds. "He's a total perv, and really into Adderall," Kaitlin says. Marissa wonders what he's got against her sweet sister. "He invited me to a lipstick party, and I declined," Kaitlin prisses. Since I'm a blissfully ignorant old fogey, I had to look up "lipstick party" and from what I learned, it sounds like Trevor would be very much at home on Duke's lacrosse team. If they still had one. Oh, and now I'm also not having kids. Ever. "Obvie," Summer Lite determines, "lipstick parties are for pervs and skanks -- so heinous." To get back at Kaitlin's reluctance to add a ring of lipstick to his lacrosse stick, Trevor told the headmistress that Kaitlin stole the headmistresses crest. Apparently, since Trevor is a straight-A, varsity-playing sex fiend, his word against pothead Kaitlin's might be a wee bit stronger. If the headmistress comes down on Kaitlin, it will be her third strike, and Kaitlin doesn't want to get kicked out. "I mean, I know it might not be as bad as shooting somebody, but Mom would freak out," Kaitlin adds. Heh. Kaitlin also doesn't want to get "locked up" during the summer. "Obvie," Summer Lite whispers FOR THE THIRD TIME, "I get so horny in the summertime." I didn't want to know that. "Oh, honey," Kaitlin drawls, "you're always horny." And I really didn't want to know THAT! Marissa tells them both to shut up, and asks what the deal is with the crest thing. Kaitlin is pretty sure Trevor has is secreted in his room: "But there's no way that he or any of his army probably-gay-and-totally-in-love-with-him homeboys would let me in there." Marissa checks out a girl wearing a very short plaid uniform skirt -- which I initially thought was a lacrosse uniform, since Kaitlin doesn't seem to be wearing one -- and says, rolling her pointy shoulders, "Well, I'm not usually one to come up with the plan..." (That's because you're usually the one everyone needs to plan on rescuing. Skank.) "...but do you have one of those skirts?"
Ryan slides open the metal door to Volchok's lair and listens, while another dude tells Volchok that he'll leave the garage door unlocked when he leaves work. Volchok grins, and hands over a thick fold of cash. The dude, who happens to be black, takes the money ruefully, and bids Volchok good luck before leaving. After Volchok gives Ryan the address for "the pickup," Ryan realizes that they're going to his neighborhood. "That's why you're driving," Volchok grins evilly. I'd love to get a peek at Volchok's closet, because I'm sure it's filled with neatly hung sleeveless denim shirts, armholes carefully frayed. I have this fantasy in which Volchok takes a fine-toothed comb and meticulously pulls out the appropriate number of threads. When he thinks he's pulled enough, he washes the shirts, dries them, and examines the armholes to judge his detail work. I think I've watched that stupid Levi's commercial one too many times.
At the Cohen residence, Seth mumbles through his parents' bedroom door that he's going out with Summer. There's no answer, so he enters the room and sees his mother lying on the bed. Seth calls out to her and looks wary when his mother doesn't even move. He picks up a mug on the bedside table and smells it. He doesn't get a chance to have a reaction, as Summer bursts in and then apologizes. They both leave the room, and Summer asks whether Kirsten is "sick or something." This cluelessness from the chick whose stepmother seemed to be drunk or stoned most of the time doesn't really make sense. Seth agrees that his mother is very sick and he needs to take care of her. He sends Summer home so she doesn't catch infludrunksa.
Seth stands over his mother, staring. He gently tucks a blanket around Kirsten's body, and then goes downstairs to carefully wash out the mug. Doesn't the fact that she left the incriminating mug on the bedside table shout that she wanted to get caught? If not by Seth, then by Sandy? In his own room, Seth sits on his bed and broods. He deliberately goes to his desk and pulls open the top drawer. So, I think that's a sandwich baggie of pot, but I'm not entirely sure what the red thing is. You don't need a lobster cracker to smoke up, do you? Seth slides the drawer shut. FOR NOW.
Over at Kaitlin's school, Marissa saunters across campus with her malnourished hair in loose pigtails, wearing a plaid skirt so low even Phoebe's cooter is embarrassed for her. Also, Marissa has tied her white blouse in to a breast knot, something I haven't seen done unironically since I was in high school. There's a lot of slo-mo and turning heads -- and me vomiting. Trevor deliberately looks up Marissa's legs, as she gets near. Speaking of lipstick, boy has on some peach-colored Day-Glo stuff and the perfect way it matches his shirt is quite disturbing. Oh, what follows is just painful. I know Mischa Barton was born in London, but her British accent is worse than Gwyneth's. And Madonna's. Combined. That's a whole lotta bad. Anyway, Marissa tries to convince Trevah that she's an exchange student who wants to get into his pants. Unfortunately, Trevah says that he spent his junior year in Oxford, and thinks that her accent is the phoniest thing to come along since his lipstick. There is a dramatic record scratch, as Marissa lapses back into American, and says, "Okay, fine, I'm a stripper, and your friends hired me for your birthday." "My birthday's not for six months," Trevah retorts. "Do you want to see me take my clothes off or not?" Marissa asks impatiently. Seriously, dude -- what's with all the arguing? Trevah looks her up and down and sucks on his supernaturally pink lower lip.
Seth tries to have a talk with Kirsten about her teabag of vodka, but she's off to an AA meeting. "Yeah, how's that going?" Seth asks. "Well, you know what they say: one day at a time. That why you have meetings," Kirsten says, and leaves. Seth stares after her, probably wondering if the meeting is taking place at Hangar One.
Sandy meets with the D.A. at the Newport Bay Yacht Club, the only fancy restaurant in town. The D.A. tells Sandy, in the most friendly of terms, that to save himself, he has to cooperate with the D.A.'s office and inform on Griffin. The consequences are that the hospital project goes down. "So I could keep my mouth shut and hope that you lose," Sandy ventures. "Or you can help bury that crook and say goodbye to the hospital," D.A. Otis finishes for him. Dr. Neil walks in, and Sandy leaves.
Volchok and Ryan pull up to the a run-of-the-millionaire Newport mansion. Volchok points it out, and says that now they wait. "You said we were picking something up," Ryan reminds him. "Yeah, well, he doesn't exactly know it," Volchok smarms. A hand grabs Ryan's arm, and it's Taryn in a pink tennis shirt: "Ryan, is that you?" Ryan agrees that it is. "Well, I was just coming back from my tennis lesson and I thought, 'Isn't that the Cohens's car?'" Taryn babbles. She tells Ryan to save a dance for her at the Man of the Year party, and looks over at Volchok, who gives her a sidelong glance. "And, uh, bring your friend -- he's HOT!" she whispers. Saints preserve us from Newpsies with damp panties.
Marissa leads Trevah into a broom closet. Trevah looks around, and seems to belatedly realize that this isn't his dorm rom. Marissa toys with her hair, and reminds him that they don't want anyone to walk in on them. "So, take off your pants," Marissa orders, getting down to business. Trevah objects because he thought Marissa was going to be the one stripping. "Haven't you ever been to Vegas?" Marissa asks. "In your boxers, or I'll have to give those guys their money back." Trevah agrees that would be a waste and shunts off his jeans. Bamp-chicka-bass-bass music pumps, as Marissa shoves Trevah into a chair and unleashes her ponytails. She uses her ponytail ribbons to tie Trevah's wrists to the arms of the chair. "They do this in Vegas, too?" he wonders. "Oh, they do everything in Vegas," Marissa simps in his face. I really wish Marissa was one of those things that stayed in Vegas. Marissa says that she's going to go change, and grabs Trevah's jeans. "But you're wearing a costume," Trevah protests. Marissa leaves. Trevah yells, and starts thrashing around in his chair. Man, with those hair ribbons, Marissa's like the MacGyver of strippers! Outside the broom closet, Marissa digs in to Trevah's pants and tosses the keys to her sister. They run off together.
Summer blunders into Sandy's office and is surprised to see him there. She pretends to be looking for Seth, who isn't there, so Sandy tells her to make herself at home. Summer wants to make herself at home in Sandy's office as soon as she sees the purple envelope of Seth's Cocktail Napkin Confession (that's the name of my band, by the way) sticking out of Sandy's papers. Sandy is surprised at her request: "I'm...working, but suit yourself." Summer does. Instead of letting him work, Summer asks if Kirsten is feeling any better. Sandy didn't know she was sick. "Huh, must've been a twenty-four hour thing," Summer says, and inches closer to the desk. Sandy just stares at her before getting back to his work. Summer then baldly sticks out her hand and tries to remove the purple envelope of Seth's Cocktail Napkin Confession. Real smooth, Summer. Why didn't she just go and set off a fire alarm somewhere? That's what Jack and Chrissy would have done. Sandy grabs the envelope away from her and smiles as he looks at it. "So, what's this?" he asks. Just tell him that it's an embarrassing love letter from you. Summer instead decides to tell him it's from her to Seth congratulating him on having a dad who is Man of the Year. "Even though it's addressed to Kirsten and me?" Sandy wonders. Tell him that you want to have a threesome with him and Kirsten! Summer starts to freak out, and says that she made a big mistake and would do anything to take it back. Sandy stares at her blandly as he opens the envelope and starts to read the napkin. "'The most recent troubling lies include'...Oh, Summer," Sandy says. Summer hurriedly explains the whole pact she and Seth had -- with Seth screwing up and Summer being able to give the Cocktail Napkin Confession to his parents. But this time, she says, Seth didn't screw up. Sandy says, "This is serious." "I did it out of spite. He said he wasn't going to Brown and then I saw him there with Anna!" Summer babbles. "He said he wasn't going to Brown?" Sandy repeats. "Well, yeah, because he didn't get in, but that was before RISD," Summer adds, insensible to Sandy's gobsmackedness. "What do you mean he didn't get in?" Sandy demands. Summer realizes her oops and slumps, saying, "I thought he only lied about that to me."
At her AA meeting, Kirsten gets up and talks about her relapse. She says that her husband doesn't know, and that he's involved with an ugly business deal, which might get him arrested. Kirsten says she's not blaming anyone because she is the only one with the power to drink or not drink: "I just really need the man I married right now." Behind a wall, Seth eavesdrops on the meeting, but I guess it's all okay, since he was invited before.
Back at home, Sandy waits for Seth. The good thing is, they both want to talk to each other. "I love yuh, and I'm worried about yuh," Sandy admits, thinking that the less formal "yuh" will make his parenting less severe. Seth sees the Cocktail Napkin Confession in his hands, and nods, "Right back atcha." Sandy starts off, "You smoked pot in our home." Seth wonders if his father would prefer that he do it elsewhere, like his college dorm. "That would require you getting into college," Sandy notes. "Well, do you think it's such a great idea -- me going away to college when Mom's been drinking again?" Seth zings. Sandy doesn't know what he's talking about. Seth: "Maybe if you paid attention to anything other than that stupid hospital, you'd notice that Mom's been passing out before dinner." Sandy tells him not to talk to his father like that. "That would require you to act like my father," Seth retorts calmly, and goes upstairs. That was a nice scene -- no overdone yelling. No stomping, no more lying. Just stunned admission and acceptance of the situation without a real end in sight.
On Ryan's stakeout, a car leaves the house. Volchok says that's the signal they've been waiting for. Ryan tells Volchok to go ahead with his stupid heist; he'll be right here waiting for him. Sadly for Volchok and his denim shirts, it's not in a Richard Marx sort of way. "Come on, you're my cover," Volchok says, "Besides, I can't go out with my face like this." Why not? For one thing, it's night, so that tiny cut above his eye and slight bruising on his lip isn't really going to show up. Secondly, it's not like Volchok is trying to get into a cotillion where having a non-beat up face would matter. Wait, scratch that. Still, my point is, he's about to steal something and he should hope that the state of his face wouldn't matter -- since no one should be seeing it! Why am I telling criminals how to do their job? Ryan looks away. Volchok needles that he's just taking a walk in his neighborhood. The two walk up a drive, and Ryan looks furtively around. Volchok goes behind the double garages. A neighborhood security car patrols the street below but doesn't stop. Behind Ryan, the garage door goes up. Volchok points to the Mercedes he's planning on stealing. But it's okay, because the Mercedes is filled with fluffy bunnies that would have been used for medical experiments if Volchok hadn't happened along. Ryan can't believe it, and says he's not doing it. Not even for Thumper. Ignoring him, Volchok pulls out a screwdriver, and grins, "Too late." He tries to force the window and the car alarm goes off. Ryan freaks. Volchok yells that there was supposed to be an extra set of keys. Ryan orders him the hell outta there, bellowing about the patrol car. "I got this," Volchok says, and smashes in the window. The alarm keeps blaring, as Volchok fusses around with the car. He's really not a very good car thief. The squad car has returned. Ryan yells a lot. The squad car turns on its sirens. Volchok starts the car and tells Ryan to get in. Ryan hesitates, as the squad car zooms up the street. "Don't be a little bitch," Volchok says. The Pavlovian response broken at long last, Ryan steps away from the car, and Volchok squeals away. The squad car pursues him. Once Ryan realizes that the squad car is gone, he takes off to the artificially constructed woodland vale on the lot. It was really considerate of Ryan to leave his car where someone could easily find it and trace it to him and wonder why he abandoned it so close to the scene of a grandtheft auto. He saved the cops a lot of donut time, and I think they'll be happy about that.
Ryan runs.
Marissa packs up her stuff in Kaitlin's dorm room, and recommends that they get the stolen/recovered crest back to the headmistress' office as quickly as possible. Kaitlin agrees, and thanks her sister for being so cool with her help. "Yeah, I mean the way Kaitlin talks about you, I thought you'd be totally wasted and have all these problems," Summer Lite adds. No Summer Lite, not wasted, just a CRACK WHORE, and an attention whore, and a drama whore, and a whore whore. Marissa forces an open-mouthed look at her sister, who just bugs her eyes a bit. Marissa shrugs, and says that she's happy she could help and actually sort of had fun. "Wow," Kaitlin breathes, "I suspected as much, but it's actually kind of nice to hear you say it out loud." Kaitlin's face freezes like she's got indigestion: "I think we're having a moment." I think you can take something for that. Summer Lite's phone goes off. "Oh, my God, I think my phone totally stepped on your moment," she apologizes, and gets up to take her call outside, screeching, "Hey, bitch!" into the phone. Kaitlin admits that she also enjoyed their hanging out time, and thinks it sucks that Marissa's going to college year. Marissa rubs her head absently, striking a pose, and moans, "We'll see about that." Oh, right, I forgot that Marissa hasn't yet used Kaitlin as her Current Life Crisis audience. They hug and say goodbye.
At the Cohens, Sandy waits by the darkened pool. Kirsten apologizes for her lateness and promises to hurry into her party things. Sandy asks her to have a seat. He asks her whether she's been drinking again. Kirsten just sits there. "No explanation, no judgment," Sandy adds, "I just want to know." Kirsten looks away. Sandy says that he wishes she would talk to him. "I tried," Kirsten interrupts brokenly. "That night you called?" Sandy realizes, "I wish I had known." "Then you would've come?" Kirsten asks. "Because the only thing that would get you to talk to me is the threat of a relapse?" Sandy hopes she knows that's not true, but she doesn't know that. They apologize to each other and hold hands.
Seth lies on his bed and gives Ryan a run for his brooding money. Kirsten pokes her head in, and says lightly, "I know you know about my drinking." "And I assume you know about Brown?" Seth asks. She does. "Sorry to rat you out to Dad," Seth says, bored. "It was kind of a heat-of-the-moment thing." Kirsten is glad that he did. Seth doesn't look at her, so Kirsten sits on his bed ,and says that although things have been difficult, they are still a family. Seth: "Yeah, we're a great family: Mom's been drinking again, Dad's about to go to jail -- we're giving the Atwoods a run for their money." At least the Atwoods' son doesn't smoke pot, Seth. Kirsten says that neither she nor Sandy has given up on them. Seth snaps that he doesn't even want to be in the same room with his father. Kirsten leans forward, and says, "I'm asking you to." Seth thinks attending the Man of the Year party is a hypocritical way for the family to start with a clean slate. Kirsten asks whether he will do it for her. Seth sighs, and agrees, "But I want my own table and my applause for his speech will be so tepid." Kirsten thanks him, and asks Seth to pick up a concept drawing of the hospital at the NewNewport Group. Sandy needs it for his presentation. Seth flops a hand, which Kirsten takes as assent. She adds, "I believe your father is going to fix this." Seth doesn't.
Ryan is still running. He calls Marissa, who is on her way home from Kaitlin's school. Without telling her why, he gasps out for her to meet him at her place. She agrees, and starts to ask what's up, but Ryan just gasps, "It's okay, it's okay."
At the NewNewport Group, Seth examines framed photos of his happy family. There's even one of Ryan and Seth together. Seth sneers a bit, and sits down at his Dad's desk. Propping up his feet, Seth pulls out a joint, lights up, and wonders whether SURIAK has a bachelor's degree program for the comic book arts. I think I've been ruined for life, because both "Volchok" and "SURIAK" sound like Vulcan starships to me.
Dressed to the nines, Julie wonders why Dr. Neil isn't dressed for the party. Dr. Neil isn't going to the party because he spent the afternoon with the D.A. and he now knows that Sandy's future hangs in the balance. Julie thinks that's a good reason for them to be there to support him and Kirsten. Dr. Neil feels that it's a conflict of interest because he might have to testify against Sandy: "I'm sorry, but I'm sure they'll understand." "Well, I don't!" Julie says loudly, "The Cohens are like family, Neil." Or, given that you married the patriarch, actual family. "Maybe they're about to become the black sheep," Dr. Neil muses. Julie retorts, "Well, I don't know about you, but I support the people I care about -- I don't judge them." Damn, is this the new Julie Cooper-Nichols-Almost-Cooper-Roberts I've been missing out on this season? Kickass. She flounces off to call a cab. Okay, that's it -- I never want to become a billionaire, since it clearly means forgetting that you have a driver's license.
Seth's cell rings. He slowly answers it. It's Kirsten wondering what his ETA is. "I'll be right there," Seth mutters. Kirsten asks whether he found the drawing. Seth grunts his assent. Kirsten happily says that she'll see him soon, and turns to look at a windswept photo of Sandy on the cover of Riviera. They should have shot him with his surf board, but I guess the whole idea is that he's the anti-Sandy these days. See? I'm catching up. Seth grabs the conceptual drawing, and walks out. His forgotten spliff rolls off the desk and into the trash can -- where it makes fast friends with some highly flammable stuff.
At the Man of the Year party, Kirsten smiles at people, until she sees D.A. Otis walk in. She grabs Sandy and points Otis out. "Oh, maybe he's here to arrest me," Sandy jokes, unconcerned. "Wouldn't be the first time someone left a Newport party in handcuffs." He goes off to practice his speech. Otis and Kirsten stare each other down.
Very aware of the irony, the plans for the hospital go up in flames.
Marissa arrives home, and Ryan says, "If anyone asks, I was with you tonight -- can you say that?" Faced with doing something for someone else for once in her CRACK WHORE life, Marissa protests weakly. Ryan: "Just yes or no; will you do it?" Marissa agrees. I'll bet she's as surprised as the entire viewing audience.
More of the NewNewport Group burns, and sirens blare.
At the Man of the Year party, Summer and her father walk in. Julie sees them. "You changed your mind," she says, sauntering up to Dr. Neil. Dr. Neil says that Julie changed his mind, and that she's a very passionate woman who is surprisingly principled. "I like to think so," Julie says, neatly sidestepping a few dozen lightning bolts. "If you feel so strongly about family, how can I not want to be a part of yours?" Dr. Neil wonders. Sandy starts to speechify. He thanks everyone for coming and for the honor that they have bestowed upon him..." -- that I cannot accept," Sandy adds. Everyone looks around, as Sandy goes on about once thinking he was better than everyone in Newport. Seth walks in. Sandy talks about taking one wrong turn in the town and getting totally lost. Existentially lost, not geographically lost. Although, both probably apply. Sandy reaches for the conceptual drawing and puts it up on the easel. He tells everyone that in the few months, he will be cooperating with the D.A. and their investigation of Dr. Griffin and the hospital they were going to build. D.A. Otis smiles. Summer sneaks over to Seth's side and apologizes for telling on him. Seth assures her it was all for the best. I wonder whether he'd still feel that way if he wasn't baked more than beans. Sandy says that he was honored to be honored by the community, but he's going to pursue an honor closer to his heart, that being the Husband and Father of the Year. I'll bet he'll get a great mug out of that one. Maybe Kirsten won't even drink vodka out of it. Seth looks choked up. People applaud. Sandy hands over some folders to Otis and tells him he'll be in touch. Kirsten tells Sandy he was wonderful and hugs him. Sandy turns to Seth, who says, "I thought it was wordy in the middle, but I think the end was nice." They hug and over his shoulder, Sandy sees some cops walk in. "Maybe I'm too late," Sandy says. Or maybe they were invited and came right from work.
Marissa and Ryan pull up to the yacht club and see the cop car. "They're here for me," Ryan sighs. "Well, it's a good thing you were with me all night then, right?" Marissa responds. Seth is led out of the yacht club by the cops. Bloc Party croons "Pioneer" again. Sandy orders Seth not to say anything unless he is present. "Who are you, his lawyer?" a cop asks. "I'm his father," Sandy responds for, what, the fiftieth time in this same sort of situation? Ryan jogs up and asks what happened. Sandy says that there was a fire at the NewNewport Group, and the cops think that Seth did it. In the car, Seth looks out the window at everyone and looks down again. Marissa looks confused and resigned; Kirsten looks scared and tearful; Dr. Neil looks...triumphant? Julie looks angry, but not at Seth; Summer looks pissed at Seth; Ryan looks stunned into blankness. The car takes off, and we see Sandy and Ryan standing in front of everyone as they watch it leave.
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