The kids go off visiting their colleges for pre-frosh weekend, which fortunately happens at the same time on all college campuses. Seth somehow sneaks into Brown's weekend even though he wasn't accepted there. And after this episode, he still isn't, despite getting a meeting with the some important Brown guy, and really, really wanting to. All is not lost though, because Seth gets to spend time with Anna, back after two years and ready to go to Brown herself. Ryan gets his own blast from the past when Kirsten spots Theresa in an airport -- with her son! Kirsten tells Ryan, and he comes rocketing back from Berkeley to track Theresa down and ask her about it. We find out that the baby isn't Ryan's and that Theresa has somehow managed to become a successful executive, despite not having gone to college or possibly even finishing high school. Marissa makes a magical transformation back into an upright citizen, but goes back to Volchok after not feeling comfortable at Berkeley and seeing that he rented The Sound of Music to know more about her, which was really sweet of him. Sandy and Kirsten keep fighting, ending in Kirsten leaving a hospital dinner after telling the table that she ended up marrying her father. She takes a glass of wine out with her, and drinks the whole thing down in one big shameful gulp.
Well, here we are at the twenty-second episode of the season, which means that it's the season finale! I'm really looking forward to my summer vacation from this show and...wait, what's that you say? The O.C. is doing twenty-five episodes this season? But...why? Shouldn't shows that suck have as few opportunities as possible to be seen? Goddammit.
Ryan and Seth show off the bags they've packed for their college pre-frosh weekend trips. Seth is surprised at the large size of Ryan's package (hee hee), since Ryan only owns "a wifebeater and two hoodies." And yet, all he ever seems to wear these days are those button-down shirts that it's completely unrealistic for a high-school student who's supposed to be from the wrong side of tracks to wear. Ryan says that he packed everything because he didn't know what a prospective college student is supposed to dress like. I imagine that they dress like everyone else does, Ryan. There's no secret clothing code there. Seth says that he's packing light, seeing as the pre-frosh weekend he's attending is one that he isn't even invited to. This is all a part of Ryan and Seth's master plan to get Seth into Brown and Summer's heart. Unfortunately, this is also the only part of their plan. After Seth gets on the campus, they've got nothing. Kirsten breezes into the kitchen, ready to drop the kids off at the airport and get all weepy that they will soon be leaving home for good. Sandy, of course, is too busy being an Evil Businessman to care about his sons' college plans, and will not be accompanying them to the airport.
At the airport, there's an awkward moment where Ryan and Seth avoid hugging each other goodbye, and then Seth is off to his gate. This gives Kirsten and Ryan some time to talk. Ryan admits to being nervous about going to college, and Kirsten gives him a pep talk to the effect that if he can "conquer" Newport, he'll be fine at Berkeley. Maybe he'll only get himself arrested, like, four times there and limit his physical altercations to one a week. That would be a nice improvement. They hug, and Ryan is off to his gate.
Once Ryan's gone, Kirsten turns to see a familiar face coming down some stairs. It's Theresa...and a woman holding what appears to be Theresa's son. You know, the one she told Ryan she miscarried. That baby. Kirsten is so surprised that she doesn't even tilt her head or anything! I guess she, like the rest of us, just assumed that Theresa was still in Atlanta.
Over at the Roberts Mansion, our heroines are having similar college weekend issues. Summer worries that her sparkly scarves won't fit in with the wardrobe of her future classmates. Because smart people, you see, don't like to wear anything that shimmers. Marissa tells her to calm down and just be herself, adding that it might be for the best that they're single now, because they'll be able to "focus on the future." Way to sound like my guidance counselor, there, Marissa. Reach for your goals, live for your dreams. Anything is possible. You can achieve. Hang in there! Marissa even gives Summer a playful punch on the shoulder to show just how excited she is about college, which is a complete turnaround from her attitude just last week when she was skipping school to party with date rapists. When Summer points this out, Marissa answers that she "was going through something." Yeah, well, when are you not going through something, Marissa? And how is it that everyone else seems to be able to handle their emotional baggage in at least a semi-productive manner while you can't stub your toe without ODing or hassling deck chairs or dating really hot guys? Learn. To. Deal. Marissa says that she's done with Volchok and won't be seeing him again "after today." You see, she's on her way to his giant warehouse apartment to pick up some of her stuff and end things. Summer doesn't think that's wise; goodbyes always lead to goodbye sex, which in turn leads to a continued and even more unhealthy relationship. "Have you no faith in me at all?" Marissa asks, and even she doesn't believe what she's saying anymore. "Forty-eight hours ago, you were Newport's answer to Courtney Love," Summer responds. Liar! Courtney Love had talent. Marissa agrees to meet Volchok at a neutral, bed-free location. Summer agrees to wear her sparkly scarf to Brown.
Summer and Marissa go downstairs to find Newport's Newest Happy Couple settling in for breakfast. Summer asks for some "muscle" to move their bags to the trunk, and Dr. Neil turns right around and looks at Julie before realizing that Summer means him. How nice of her to have faith that he's got muscles under all that padding. While Dr. Neil goes off to help Summer, Julie offers to accompany Marissa to Berkeley, saying that she can tell everyone that she's part of Marissa's "entourage": "Let's go crazy at college! You've seen Girls Gone Wild." "Yeah, I lived it," Marissa replies. She sure does have an inflated sense of her wildness. One party, some drugs, and a few skipped school days does not a teenage rebel make. I love how Julie is so desperate to believe that she can pull off playing Marissa's friend, though. I mean, they do appear to be the same age, but that age sure isn't eighteen. Marissa assures her mother that she's through with her partying ways (until, of course, season) and is hoping to really get something out of this weekend. With that, Marissa and Summer are off to their college weekends, without so much as a parent to drop them off at the airport.
Julie wants to make plans with Dr. Neil for their child-free weekend, but unlike Julie, Dr. Neil has a real job that isn't some stupid dating service storyline that went absolutely nowhere, and was immediately forgotten about. He has to go to a retirement party for some doctor colleague. He invites Julie to come, but she doesn't want to face the evil Newport society women without Kirsten by her side. This is easily rectified: Dr. Neil tells her to invite Kirsten. And Sandy, too, who Dr. Neil is sure will be happy to come and make some contacts for his stupid hospital project. I'm sure that retiring doctor will be glad to see all these people he doesn't know at his own party.
Ryan meets his freshman buddy, a rather haggard-looking "young" man named Wes. When Ryan says that he's from Newport, Wes says that some guys in his poli-sci club went to Harbor. Poli-Sci club? NERD! "Play water polo?" Wes asks, trying to be friendly. Ryan says that he doesn't, since water polo is apparently a rich man's sport now, and Ryan wants Wes to know that he isn't a rich man. He's originally from (dundundunnnn!) Chino. Ryan waits for Wes to react with horror and disgust to this, but it is not forthcoming. It turns out that, outside of Newport, no one gives a shit about Chino. In fact, Wes says, he has roommates from such exotic lands as Bangladesh and Kansas. At Berkeley, "it's pretty easy to fit in," says Wes. Ryan is impressed.
Marissa meets Volchok at the diner on her way to the airport. She asks him for her "stuff," but he gloomily reports that he doesn't have it. "What. Why," Marissa attempts to demand. Volchok doesn't answer her, instead asking why she's bailing on him all of a sudden. She says that they don't have anything in common, which he takes to mean that she's dumping him because she's rich and he isn't. Marissa denies this, saying that it's more like she used to always watch The Sound Of Music when she was younger, as we've heard before, and she always hoped that she would grow up and be "just like" the eldest Von Trapp child, Liesl, and have a "cute boyfriend," just like Liesl's Rolfe. And then Marissa grew up and did coke and slept with a guy she hadn't even had "one real conversation with." Which, I might add, is still better than BEING A NAZI! Which is what wonderful boyfriend Rolfe becomes if you, unlike Marissa and the writers of this show, bother to watch past the first thirty minutes of the movie. Marissa says that she's not "ready" to give up on her dream of finding a boyfriend who will one day totally turn against her and almost get her and her entire family killed by Nazis if not for the quick thinking of those nuns who took the engine parts out of the Nazimobiles. Reach for the stars, Marissa.
Kirsten stops by the NewNewport Group to tell Sandy about her Theresa sighting. Sandy's hoping that the kid may just be a cousin or a nephew, but Mother Kirsten knows another mother when she sees one. She wants to tell Ryan about it, figuring that it's important that they not keep things from him and preserve his trust in them. Sandy, however, is an Evil Businessman now, and, therefore, would rather not say anything to Ryan at all -- at least, not until he returns from his pre-frosh weekend. What a bastard Sandy is, wanting Ryan to have a few days of happiness before his life is thrown back into chaos.
Seth gives Ryan a call so that they can compare notes about their college journeys thus far. Despite the rainy weather, Ryan's enjoying himself and kind of thrilled to be on a college campus. Seth, too, is thrilled: actual ivy grows on the campus buildings, just like the brochure pictures show. Better hope it's not poison ivy, Seth. Although you would deserve it. Seth says that he loves the campus, and that it feels like home to him, even though he got rejected from it. Then a girl's voice calls out Seth's name so loudly that even Ryan can hear it on the other end of his phone. Seth is afraid to turn around and see Summer, whom he's been trying to avoid this weekend, but he gets over his cowardice this one time and sees not Summer heading his way, but Anna, who's free to appear on this show now that whatever pilot she left it to be on have fallen through.
After the commercial, Seth, Anna, and Anna's ugly-ass long ponytail catch up on old times. Anna says that she's happy in Pittsburgh and doesn't even miss Newport's endless sunny days, which I'd say is partly because the girl seems to have been hitting up the tanning booths, what with the orange leathery skin she's sporting. Anna has kept tabs on Seth by getting into his comic book, which can now be seen on VERIZON WIRELESS VCAST, AVAILABLE TO ALL VERIZON WIRELESS CUSTOMERS (for a small fee, I'm sure). Anna pulls it up on her cell phone with a lightning speed that my Verizon Wireless phone never seems to have, and Seth informs her that he traded his comic book to Zach in return for Summer. I'll bet he feels pretty stupid about that now that he doesn't have Summer or a movie deal with George Lucas or even a college to fall back on! Anna tells Seth to tell Summer she said "Hi," which he totally won't, and then he informs her that he isn't actually a prospective Brown student. "YOU DIDN'T GET IN?!" Anna squeals, looking absolutely delighted. Guys, is Anna...uh...special? Because so far, I have to say that she seems kind of dim. Seth shushes her, and then tells her that he's here to get into Brown, although he doesn't have a plan as to how to accomplish this goal. He's hoping that Anna will be able to help him out. She thinks for a second, and then tells Seth that there is a faculty meet-and-greet thing tonight, and that Dr. Oglivy, the "admissions dude," will be there. All Seth has to do is figure out what to say to him. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that there is absolutely nothing Seth can say or do, short of donating a few millions dollars to Brown, that will get him into that school after being rejected.
Julie needs something from Kirsten, so she heads over to her house to pretend that they're still friends, and request her and Sandy's company at the retirement dinner. Kirsten says that she's busy that night, but Julie won't take "no" for an answer. Kirsten explains that she and Sandy have hit a "rough patch," and that she doesn't really want to help him do more networking for his stupid hospital project. Julie tells her to forget about Sandy and do this for her. After being such a good friend to Kirsten by doing things like trying to send her adopted son to jail, Julie needs a favor in return: she simply can't show her face in society without Kirsten at her side. Sounding tired and kind of drugged, Kirsten agrees to go, saying that she's only doing it for Julie. Mission accomplished, Julie takes off and leaves Kirsten to sit around by herself and drink tea and not have anyone in her life except for the people who stop by for as long as it takes to get something out of her.
Ryan has a meal with Wes and a guy named Miguel, who trumps Ryan's tale of jailed family member woe by saying that he has a father, a brother, and two uncles in jail right now. Looks like you aren't so special anymore, Ryan. Miguel says that, as the first person in his family to go to college, he sometimes feels out of place, but also figures that if he keeps his grades up and works hard, he has a right to be there. The conversation is stopped in its tracks by Marissa, whose beauty can draw the attention of an entire room at Berkeley just as well as it can back in Newport. Great; can't wait to see that happen in almost every scene she's in year (if, that is, this show gets renewed, and Mischa Barton is still a cast member. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!). Wes is especially smitten with Marissa, and thrilled when she comes to their table, hoping that she's going to make a move on him. Instead, she says hello to Ryan, and explains that her freshman buddy is a vegan who's boycotting the cafeteria, a trick that Mischa Barton has probably used a few times in her life to avoid the set catering. With that, she walks away, leaving Miguel and Wes to ask Ryan how he knows their new dream girl. Ryan admits that he and Marissa dated for a long time, but that they aren't dating now, so Wes can stop drooling and go try to start a conversation with her, if he wants. Wes is everyone's freshman buddy!
Seth and Anna arrive at the faculty thing. They spot Dr. Oglivy, and Seth STILL doesn't have anything planned to say to him. He had all day to think of what to say to the guy for his only chance to get into Brown, and the best he could do was decide to wing it? For all his talk about wanting to go to Brown, Seth sure doesn't seem all that eager to do anything to get there. When Dr. Oglivy has a minute where he isn't surrounded by people, Seth walks up to talk to him, leaving Anna behind to make a series of goofy faces, which is what Anna does best. She's the only person on the show who bothers to express emotion with facial expressions, though, so I guess it's okay that she hideously overdoes them.
Summer's at the faculty thing, too, partaking of the buffet and some intelligent discourse with her fellow pre-frosh. They're discussing things like politics and jihads, which leaves Summer wondering what the hell they're talking about. So she asks them: "What is a jihad?" The two smart people pause, and then decide that Summer's actually making a super-intelligent comment on our country's perceptions of Muslim holy wars instead of, you know, being an uninformed airhead. I wonder if this is how she did so well on her SATs -- instead of answering the multiple choice questions with an A, B, C, D, or E, she just wrote, "What is 'multiple choice'?" on the answer booklet and really made those College Board guys think! Summer doesn't get to revel in her new friends' assumptions of her intelligence for long before she spots Seth across the room.
Seth immediately makes Dr. Oglivy feel awkward by inviting him outside for a walk so that they can talk in private. Dr. Oglivy does his best to exit this conversation, but Seth begs for a chance to talk to him, just for five minutes. Dr. Oglivy eventually relents, and tells Seth to meet him at the same place tomorrow.
Seth doesn't get to revel in the success of Part 2 of his plan before Summer comes up and asks him what he's doing at a pre-frosh weekend for a college he told her he didn't want to attend. She figures that Seth did want to go to Brown after all -- just not with Summer. And then Anna jumps up from behind Seth and touches his arm, asking him how it went with Dr. Oglivy, and Summer's suspicions are confirmed.
At one of those upstanding and safe college parties where date rapes never happen (you know, unlike those sketchy giant warehouse apartment parties), Wes asks Marissa about her relationship with Ryan. She tells him that they were together, but that they've broken up and seen other people since. Wes says that Ryan is currently touring the school's architectural department, which he doesn't know much about, since he's a poli-sci major. Marissa informs him that her father was also a poli-sci major, and that Wes even reminds her of him. If Wes knew Jimmy, he'd see just how insulted he should be here. At the very least, he shouldn't have much hope left of hooking up with a girl who thinks you're like her father. Unless that girl is turned on by her dad, in which case you really don't want to hook up with her. Marissa assures Wes that this is supposed to be a compliment, though.
Ryan arrives, and Marissa leaves Wes to talk to him. She says that she doesn't really know how they're supposed to act around each other, and Ryan agrees that he doesn't know, either. They decide to give being friends a try again at Berkeley. Marissa's looking forward to this: she'll get a chance to let it slip to their new mutual friends that Ryan used to perform in musicals. "I have enough dirt on you to last the four years, so bring it on," Ryan dares her. Now that's a Marissa scene that I wouldn't mind watching:
Marissa: Hey. Did you guys know that Ryan once did musicals.
Assorted College Friends: Ha Ha Ha!
Ryan: Well, Marissa shot my brother in the back!
Assorted College Friends: [awkward silence]
Marissa: [is suddenly killed in a freak accident, never to be mentioned again]
Seth sits with his head in his hands. Anna walks up, and Seth apologizes for not telling her that he was on a "Summer Mission" in the first place, especially since he was honest with her about everything else. Anna forgives him for this, saying that he's too pathetic to be angry at, and then sets about figuring out a way to get Seth out of the mess he's put himself in. You know, I'd say the only truly pathetic person here is Anna, who always drops everything to be at Seth's beck and call, even though he's done nothing but dick her over in the past. She hands him a list of tomorrow's pre-frosh activities, telling him to go to the ones he's most likely to see Summer in. He answers that the walking tour is his best bet, because Summer likes "cardio," and a walking tour is apparently the only way for her to get some. The Summer Problem out of the way, Anna says that they should figure out what to tell Dr. Oglivy. Or is that "Ogerby"? Whatever it is, I don't really care, so I'll just stick with Oglivy. Seth's ready to give up on that front anyway, saying that if Oglivy doesn't like his Superman admission essay, then Seth has nothing more to offer him. Once again, Seth has really put a lot of thought, time, and dedication into this plan. Anna's willing to do most of the work for Seth, and he wonders what he did without her in the last two years. Aside from having a lot of sex with the girl he dumped Anna for? Not a whole lot, really.
Back at the Cohen House, Sandy is thrilled to pieces about the hospital dinner and the chances it will give him to mingle with people who can help him with his stupid project. The phone rings, and it's Ryan calling from Berkeley. Sandy talks to him for all of three seconds before his cell rings and he hands the phone off to Kirsten. Ryan tells her that he's having an "amazing" time at Berkeley, but can also sense in Kirsten's voice that something is wrong. Never one to let a guy be happy for a day when she can ruin his good time now, Kirsten tells him about Theresa and the mystery child. And I know she's trying to be a good, honest mother and all, but that really could have waited until Ryan got home. All telling him now will do is ruin the rest of his weekend and probably make him come home early from a valuable college experience. Sandy's wrong that they shouldn't tell Ryan at all, but Kirsten's wrong to tell him so soon.
God knows where Seth spent the last night, since I doubt they're giving beds away to kids who aren't signed up for the pre-frosh weekend, but the morning he and Anna are well-rested, refreshed, and ready to improve Seth's life. Summer is indeed on the walking tour, and Seth joins it, while Anna stands on the sidelines, and sighs with such force that I think she blew two trees down. Dial the acting down a notch, please, Anna.
Seth tries to talk to Summer, but shockingly, she's not very receptive to his charms. Jack, the tour guide, starts things off by telling everyone to wear their assigned name badges, so that they can start the tour. You wouldn't think that name badges would be all that important, but they are, simply because Seth the unregistered intruder doesn't have one. He solves that problem by grabbing one off a nearby table. Unfortunately, it says "Kumar," that being that most current pop-culture Indian name. Had this episode come out before Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle, I'm sure Seth's nametag would have been "Apu." Seth explains it away by saying that he is half Jewish and half Indian -- a HinJew. I'm sure there are some jokes I could make at the expense of both religions, but I don't feel like pissing people off today. Lest I be stricken down by a rabbi with eight arms. Jack starts the tour, which neither Summer nor Seth pays any attention to, as Seth keeps trying to talk Summer into letting him explain himself and Summer is busy trying to ignore him like she did back in middle school. If only Seth were actually explaining himself here, instead of promising to explain himself to Summer at some later date, she might actually want to listen to him. Instead, she tells him to leave her alone; Seth already ruined her senior year of high school and she won't let him ruin college for her, too.
Of course, Ryan comes running back home. He says that, in a way, he was expecting something like this to happen, since this was the first time in his life that things seemed to actually be going well. Kirsten points out that the kid may well be Eddie's and not Ryan's, but Ryan doubts that. As do I, since Eric Balfour is currently on some Dick Wolf show that isn't Law & Order. Anyway, Ryan's life sucks so much that I'm sure his sperm would find a way to break through a condom and impregnate a girl if it meant ruining Ryan's life. Kirsten says that, after some "internet research" (i.e. typing Theresa's name into WhitePages.com), she found Theresa's address. Ryan sets off to visit it, Kirsten assuring him that she and Sandy are behind him no matter what happens. They're so behind him, in fact, that Sandy hasn't even been a presence in Ryan's life since, like, the first episode. But anyway.
Seth is with Dr. Oglivy, whose name now definitely seems to be "Overby," given Seth's clear delivery of it. Anna needs to take some enunciating classes to make my life easier. Seth begins his pitch by informing Dr. Overby that he wasn't actually accepted into Brown, due to what he's sure was a clerical error. Guess what? Overby is suddenly a lot less interested in what Seth has to say. Yet he still generously gives Seth one minute of his life to waste. Seth spends about fifteen seconds of it sorting through his note cards to figure out how to compose a new condensed version of his pitch, and finally settles on giving Overby the rundown of his stats: great grades and SAT scores and participation in extracurricular activities such as the Chess Team, which he was "extremely low-profile about," which nicely explains why we've never seen him mention it before. Overby checks his watch. Seth doesn't have anything else to say. Overby thanks Seth for lying to him and wasting his time, and gets up to go. I like Overby, even if he is a stereotypical English-sounding old-guy professor. Seth pulls him back for one last plea: he loves Brown a lot, but there's another reason he wants to go there that has nothing to do with the school (so I'm sure it will appeal to Overby), and it's a girl named Summer Roberts. If Seth doesn't get into Brown to be with her, the rest of his life will be ruined. Although Overby is slightly more sympathetic this time around (and certainly more so than I would be at this point), he still won't admit Seth to Brown. "Please?" Seth whispers, as if Overby is suddenly going to change his mind and admit Seth just because he said the magic word. Seth's super-pathetic act may work on Anna, but it's not getting him into Brown. Overby tells Seth to work his girl problems out himself, because Brown won't do it for him.
Sandy finally comes home and is surprised to find Ryan home early, until Ryan tells him that Kirsten told him about the baby. Like Kirsten, Sandy says he supports Ryan's need to talk to Theresa, and assures him that whatever happens, they'll deal with it together. Although Sandy and Kirsten may not be in the same room with each other. With that, Ryan heads out to Theresaland, and Sandy heads into his bedroom. There he finds Kirsten passive-aggressively making their bed (she's probably tucking the sheets in really tight to make it uncomfortable for Sandy), and asks her why she couldn't have waited for Ryan's weekend to end before telling him about Theresa. Kirsten says, "It just happened," and that it wasn't like Sandy was there to keep her mouth shut, so this is all his fault. Sandy asks Kirsten whether she did this just to punish Sandy for not being around, and while she won't admit that, she will say a lot of stuff about how families and parents are important and Sandy is really sucking at that right now. So, yeah, Kirsten did ruin Ryan's weekend to teach Sandy a lesson. But they don't have time to fight about it now, as Sandy has to get back to the office. How dare he take pride in his evil, evil work!
It's still raining on the Berkeley campus, but that won't stop Wes from delivering a cooler to an unknown destination! He runs into Marissa on the way, and invites her to a gathering later on. Wes also informs her that Ryan left because of a family emergency. Marissa's concerned about him, but isn't sure enough about the parameters of their new relationship to call and make sure he's okay. Especially since Wes is urging her not to, so that he can score with her tonight.
Ryan arrives at Theresa's apartment. The nanny from the airport answers the door, and informs Ryan that Theresa won't be home for a while. Then she picks up a small child and holds it in her arms. His name is Daniel, and Ryan's pretty freaked out to see him. But he keeps his composure and asks the nanny to let Theresa know he was there.
At another generic college party, Wes hands Marissa a drink (I'll assume it's not alcoholic, in keeping with Marissa's newfound love of sobriety), and tells her his life story. While he may seem like a "model freshman" now, this is actually his second try at a freshman year. Based on how old the guy looks, I'd say his first attempt was sometime in the early '90s. He says that he spent too much time partying and not enough studying the first time around, and went home after a few months to figure out what he really wanted out of college. Marissa quickly changes the subject to herself, and says that while she may seem like an eager college pre-frosh, it's all an act. And to think, just two years ago she was a model student and person. "On the weekends, I rode my little sister's pony for fun," she says. I guess that would be in between bouts of drinking so heavily that she passed out on her front yard. They can't exactly sell us this "Marissa used to be an angel" thing when she was established as something so much different in the freaking pilot episode. "What happened?" Wes asks. Oh, go buy the first two seasons on DVD, Wes. No one has time to explain this to your one-episode-only ass. "I guess everything happened," Marissa says. Not exactly: Marissa hasn't died yet. Let's work on making that happen so that Marissa can finally have the full human experience. Marissa doesn't think she belongs in college anymore. She doesn't think she belongs anywhere, actually. How about an acting class? Wes tells Marissa that everyone belongs somewhere. "Maybe some people just get lost," says Marissa. Wes looks very sad that his chances of hooking up tonight are so slim.
Ryan and Seth are on the phone again. Ryan tells Seth about his mess of a life, and Seth tells Ryan about his. Then Seth's cab to the airport arrives, and he hangs up. But he won't be riding alone: Anna's in the car already. She says that they have one more stop before the airport -- the Rhode Island School of Design. Anna's got a copy of Seth's comic book that she's hoping will serve as his portfolio. But Seth is all pessimistic and sad now, and just wants to give up on going to school in Rhode Island and go back to California to figure the rest of his life out. "Confidence!" Anna orders.
Sandy and Kirsten arrive at the party. Dr. Neil leads Sandy off to meet doctors, and Julie asks Kirsten what's wrong. Kirsten just says that it's a "long story," but Julie figures out that Kirsten isn't very pleased about Sandy's business stuff, and doesn't appreciate being stuck in a room watching it. That's very astute of Julie. I wonder, Julie, could your keen observations have anything to do with the fact that Kirsten TOLD YOU she didn't want to go to this party for this exact reason when you invited her to it? Julie tries to make Kirsten feel better by offering her some crab dip. I wouldn't try it, Kirsten: I'm not entirely sure that Julie isn't talking about, like, a flea-dip treatment for pubic lice.
Marissa shows up at the poolhouse for some awkward conversation with Ryan. She says that she's there to see if he's okay, but, of course, the subject of discussion soon turns to Marissa and how she feels about going to school. Marissa isn't as excited about this new leaf she's turned over as she was in the beginning of the episode; she just can't see herself as a college student year. I don't think that's such an uncommon feeling for new college students, and yet, for Marissa, it's going to be a freaking dealbreaker because she can't just suck it up and deal like everyone else does. She asks Ryan about his family emergency, and he tells her about Theresa and the mystery child. He says that when he was at Berkeley, he felt like he was living someone else's charmed and awesome life. Now he knows why: he was. Nothing ever works out for the real Ryan. Marissa assures him that it will, and that he will go to Berkeley no matter what.
Even though this was supposed to be a retirement dinner for some random guy, Sandy is calling the table to order to make a toast thanking everyone he's talked to for their offers of support. Then he introduces his wife to the room as the "former head" of the Newport Group and the "brains" behind it, which you can tell Kirsten doesn't appreciate one little bit. Nor, I would guess, does the guy who this party is supposed to be for. Why hasn't he chucked a few hard rolls at Sandy's head by now? I would have. Especially since he's about to retire, so he wouldn't even get in trouble for it or anything! Anyway, the room applauds a woman none of them even knows, and then Dr. Neil stupidly asks Kirsten what she thinks of Sandy's job performance so far. So now it's her turn to make a speech. While Sandy looks on nervously, Kirsten proposes a toast to her husband, who has told her "countless times" how important this hospital project is to him. And also, Kirsten has realized that she married a man just like her father, after all. She walks out among some hilarious table chatter. I picked out some woman going, "That's...no. No," which I thought was a great review of Kirsten's toast and this show in general.
Kirsten grabs a glass of wine off the worst-supervised bar in the history of bars and takes it outside with her. Wine always tastes best when accompanied by a hearty blast of sea air. After a moment's hesitation, she drinks the entire glass.
Summer checks in with Marissa. Marissa is surprised at the recent turn of events with Seth going to Brown, after all, AND dating Anna. "Is your brain exploding?" Summer asks. "A little," Marissa says. Well, that only makes sense. Little brains make little explosions. She urges Summer to listen to Seth's explanation before she assumes anything.
Touchy-feely Anna walks arm-in-arm with Seth down the airport. She's super-thrilled that Seth's talk with the RISD guy went well. Seth says it will be all thanks to Anna if he gets into RISD. She tells him that he owes it to his comic book and his talent. So, really, it would be thanks to Seth's talent, Anna's resourcefulness, and RISD's deadline-free admissions process. Anna and Seth hug goodbye, which is, of course, exactly the time when Summer walks up and sees them. I don't think she'll be listening to any of Seth's explanations now.
Volchok sleeps. Marissa sneaks into his warehouse apartment like a complete moron, apparently believing that this is the best way to go about getting her possessions back. Then she notices a rental copy of The Sound Of Music on Volchok's coffee table. Awww, Volchok's a big ol' softy after all! I'll bet he was really confused when he got to the end of that movie, though. "Wait, what? Rolfe is a Nazi? Marissa wants me to be a Nazi? I...don't think this is worth the hot ass I'm getting anymore." But he doesn't get a chance to protest when Marissa slides into bed to his sleeping form and stares at the back of his head, kind of creepily.
Theresa finally shows up at the poolhouse. She gets right to the point: "He's not yours, Ryan." According to a paternity test, Eddie is the father. Theresa apologizes for lying to Ryan, but she thought Ryan belonged to the Cohens and she knew he would give that life up for her and her baby, even if the baby wasn't his. And she's doing fine on her own: despite not even having a high-school diploma, Theresa has managed to turn a nothing job at a hotel into this high-paying executive position that lets her travel the country and afford a full-time nanny for her son. Wow, life sure is easy for teenage single mothers! I wonder why all those other ones always seem to complain about missing all those opportunities? Ryan and Theresa decide to get some food and catch up on old times. They're happy to see each other, despite the circumstances that have brought them together again.