Fourteen year-old Kaitlin Cooper is back in town after an unbelievable two-year absence, during which she didn't even come home for Christmas because no one in her family cares about her. She's been gone so long that Ryan doesn't even recognize her when she shows up on the Cohens' doorstep after finding her last known residence inhabited by Persians, as Julie didn't even bother to tell her that she moved. Sigh. So Kaitlin is understandably pissed, but she's also kind of evil, having stolen $1500 from an ex-boyfriend's brother and zeroing in on Johnny as soon as she figures out that he likes her sister. Johnny gets to be almost cool in this episode when he tells Marissa, concerned for him after finding out that he's not back on the PacWest tour after all, to stay out of his life. Then he blows it by apologizing to her and taking it all back, like, the day. Ryan gets to spend the episode solving Kaitlin's problems for her, while Summer and Seth spend it trying to avoid their new friend Taylor Townsend, a mission that gets more difficult when Mrs. T suddenly decides that she's going to marry Dr. Neil and somehow blackmails Kirsten into setting up a date with him. This makes Julie jealous and sad, especially when Dr. Neil brings Mrs. T to the launch party for NewMatch -- Julie and Kirsten's exclusive matchmaking service for people of all sexual preferences and marital statuses -- as his date. Fortunately, Seth saves the day by letting it slip that Dr. Neil has genital warts, and Mrs. T dumps him faster than you can say "at least it's not herpes."
It's morning in the Cohen kitchen. Seth does his usual self-admiration in the reflection of a well-stocked wine cabinet (how sensitive to Kirsten the Alcoholic's needs, there, Sandy) and notes that his complexion is clear today, thanks to the oil-clearing powers of NEUTROGENA! Oh, wait -- Mischa Barton's the spokesperson for Neutrogena, not Adam Brody. In that case, we can chalk it up to a recent run of good fortune for everyone, including Marissa getting back into Harbor and other Marissa-centric things. No one points out that things aren't going so well for Johnny because no one cares about him. Seth is well-versed in television melodrama, so he knows that this means something big and bad is about to befall them. Ryan isn't too concerned…until the doorbell rings. Seth begs him not to answer the door, saying they could be looking at a "flaming bag of crap" or, for those of you who have seen Trapped in the Closet, Rose the Nosey Neighbor with a spatula in her hand. It turns out that Seth was correct, as Ryan opens the door to reveal the long-neglected Kaitlin Cooper, who went to what she thought was her home only to find it filled with rich Persians who gave her the Cohens' house as Julie's mail-forwarding address. I know Julie's having trouble accepting the reality of her situation, but it's really not cool for her to just expect the Cohens to take care of her mail like that. Ryan doesn't know who Kaitlin even is (I know she wasn't in that many episodes, but come ON) until she addresses him by name and Seth wanders in and admires her new boobs. I can't even tell you guys how excited I am, now that I have not one, but TWO troubled young Coopers to endure.
After the credits, all the Cohens meet in the kitchen and discuss the reappearance of Kaitlin. They wonder what she's doing home in the middle of the semester. They should be wondering why she hasn't been home or seen anyone in her family at all for the last two years. Isn't that child neglect? Summer enters, and Seth informs her that Kaitlin is back and that Mini-Cooper is "not so Mini." Because, you know, she has boobs. And both she and the actress playing her are fourteen, I believe, so this is starting to get into child porn territory. Julie, followed by Marissa, enter, and Julie is not looking forward to telling her youngest daughter that her family is now poor trailer trash. Kaitlin finally enters and the family has a hug- and smile-filled reunion. She explains to her clueless mom that she's home because her school is on "mid-winter break," then asks where Julie's new house is. This is everyone else's cue to get right on out of their own kitchen so that mother and daughter can have their talk.
Cut to Julie pulling up to their new trailer. Kaitlin is very sad, even as Julie tries to put a positive spin on their circumstances; they're only a half-mile from the beach and the trailer is "Tiffany blue." I don't even know what that means, but if Julie's trailer is anything to go by, it's not a desirable color for a house exterior. Inside, Julie shows Kaitlin around, taking great pride in the really cool bed that pulls out of a thin cupboard. It's like an Inspector Gadget bed! I want one. Kaitlin isn't as impressed as I am, though, so Julie apologizes again and says that Kaitlin should look at this as a "life experience," and take comfort in the fact that Britney Spears also came from a trailer park. Yes, that certainly does give Kaitlin a lot to look forward to. Julie changes the subject to Kaitlin's purse, a really ugly dog stuffed animal thing that Marissa gave her. It's even more versatile than Julie's bed-cabinet, as it has a third use: a plot point (oh, you'll see). Julie decides to blow off her meeting with Kirsten for some manicure and chat time with her newfound daughter, because we can afford to take time off from the business we haven't even gotten around to starting yet. This gives Kaitlin time to answer a phone call. It's a guy who's mad at Kaitlin for skipping town on him. Kaitlin hangs up on his ass. Oooh...mysterious!
Marissa complains to Ryan that she feels like she's missed a huge chunk of her sister's life. That's because she HAS. One-seventh of it, to be exact! Marissa feels guilty about this, because Marissa feels guilty about everything, although at least this time the guilt is justified and not part of Marissa's continuing effort to martyr herself. Seth and Summer walk up, and Seth makes yet another remark about how hot Marissa's sister is now. Summer threatens him with physical violence, and then Taylor Townsend runs up, thrilled to bits to see Marissa back in school after her self-sacrificing efforts to get her back last week. No one's thrilled to see Taylor Townsend, however, so Ryan and Marissa rudely make weak excuses and leave. Seth and Summer are forced to stick around and look at Taylor Townsend with condescending hatred. They are such great friends.
Out in the hall, Marissa tells Ryan that Taylor Townsend's mention of Marissa's old school made her think of Johnny. The only thing that DOESN'T make Marissa think of Johnny is eating breakfast, and that's just because Marissa doesn't actually eat. Why does Ryan put up with that? Ugh. Marissa's left several unanswered messages for Johnny and is afraid that she missed seeing him before he left on his tour. Ryan advises her to call Johnny's friend "BizarroSeth." You know, meta really isn't all that cool when it's pointing out serious flaws in the show's own script. If you think it's funny to point out to the audience what a crappy rip-off of Seth Chili was supposed to be, maybe you shouldn't have made Chili such a crappy rip-off of Seth in the first place, eh?
Meanwhile, over at Newport Union, which I was really hoping I would never, ever have to see again, Chili is urging Johnny to call Marissa, saying he's been miserable ever since he "sacrificed" his happiness for Marissa to go back to Harbor. Johnny says he didn't sacrifice anything; he did what he did to make his own life simpler. He could make my life a lot simpler if he would just die and I'd never have to see him again. And then Marissa calls Chili and immediately asks for Johnny, which is so rude. At least pretend that you were calling Chili to talk to him and not his more attractive friend, Marissa. But Chili happily hands the phone off to an unwilling Johnny, who hems and haws to get out of accepting Marissa's invitation to the diner to meet her sister, because why spend alone time with the sibling you haven't seen in two years when you can share that time with the guy who obviously doesn't want to see you because it makes his heart hurt when you're around?
Mrs. Townsend shows up at Kirsten's door with a demand: she wants Kirsten's new dating service to set her up with the "delicious" Dr. Neil. Kirsten is confused, probably wondering what about Dr. Neil makes him delicious, unless Mrs. T means all the pastries he seems to be constantly stuffed with. And also because Dr. Neil probably wouldn't have any interest in the woman who tried to make his daughter's best friend's life a nightmare. Lastly, he isn't signed up for the matchmaking service, and Kirsten and Julie are not yet desperate enough to force their clients on unsuspecting people...yet. But Mrs. T has something to make Kirsten accept the task: she promises to use her evil Parents' Council powers to bar Marissa from any and all school events, like prom and graduation. This doesn't really affect Kirsten in any way, nor is there any reason why Mrs. T should be this pathetically into Dr. Neil, but I guess you have to give Mrs. T points for trying even when her blackmail material is seriously weak. Kirsten doesn't even reject her outright.
Instead, she stops by the NewNewport group, where I was afraid we'd have to see another appearance by the not-quite-bland-enough-to-not-irritate-me Matt. Fortunately, Sandy's working alone today. Even though Sandy's busy with work things and shouldn't have time to deal with the girl who is dating his adopted son's contrived problems, he still hears Kirsten out as she explains her problem, saying that Mrs. T threatened to make Marissa's life at Harbor a "living hell." Since when is not going to prom or graduation a "living hell"? I mean, prom is fun, but not so much so that you should kill yourself if you can't attend. And graduation day is long and boring and, if held outside, either really, really hot or cold and rainy. Marissa's not missing much there. Sandy doesn't think Kirsten should give in to Mrs. T's demands, but Kirsten thinks that Marissa has been through so much already and it won't be a big deal to agree to Mrs. T's demands. At least not for her, because she's assigning Sandy to convince Dr. Neil to agree to date Mrs. T since Sandy and Dr. Neil are such good friends now. "I'm calling in a 'wifely favor,'" Kirsten says, as if she's been bestowing any wifely favors on Sandy lately.
Marissa and Kaitlin make their way from a shopping trip at the local thrift store to the diner to meet Johnny. Kaitlin makes no secret of her anger at being left out of every single family event since Season One, and Marissa apologizes in her own unique way, wherein she doesn't actually accept responsibility for doing anything wrong. Finally, they see Johnny and Chili. Kaitlin asks which one is Johnny: "The one with the perfect bone structure or Carrot Top?" It would seem that Kaitlin has some serious vision problems, as Chili's hair in no way resembles Carrot Top's and Johnny's bone structure is only perfect for a pre-pubescent girl. Or a bird. Johnny and Marissa exchange their usual awkward hellos and meaningful stares, and then Johnny and Kaitlin do the same. THRILLING!
The four get a booth, and Johnny immediately runs out to make sure his car is locked. Chili claims that Johnny's worried about theft, as he has a lot of "cassette tapes" in his Jeep. Kaitlin and Marissa stare at him and try to figure out what sort of strange language he's speaking, what with his use of words like "cassette" and "tape." It's too much for Kaitlin's brain, so she takes off for the bathroom. Marissa asks Chili what's going on with Johnny. "Do I have to spell it out for you?" Chili asks. Marissa stares at him blankly. Crickets chirp. The wind whistles through the empty space inside her head. "Okay, maybe I do," Chili says. I'm really starting to like BizarroSeth. Not as much as real Seth, but more than most of the other people in the cast. He explains that Johnny isn't going on tour at all -- he just told Marissa that so she'd go back to Harbor.
Outside, Kaitlin catches up to Johnny and asks him the tough questions: "How long have you been in love with my sister?" He says that he and Marissa are "just friends" who are really, really awkward around each other and have developed a strange co-dependent relationship even though they both have other people in their lives to lean on. Kaitlin says this is good for her, since while Marissa isn't available, Kaitlin certainly is.
A cute James Franco-y looking guy shows up on the Cohens' front steps looking for Kaitlin after finding some rich Persians at what he thought was her address. Are "Persians" really such an easily identifiable ethnicity that two distinct people would see them and immediately know them as such? Call me ignorant, but the only "Persians" I've ever seen who I immediately knew to be actual Persians were the characters in the old-school version of the Prince of Persia videogame, and they were all pixilated. So unless those rich Persians have a solid orange square where their faces are supposed to be, I don't know what's going on. ["And…hasn't 'Persia' been 'Iran' for, like, nearly a century? What's with the vintage terminology?" -- Sars] Anyway, the guy really needs to see Kaitlin, but he's not getting any help from Ryan, lies that he hasn't seen Kaitlin since her eleven-year-old bald-pony-riding days. That is, by the way, the third mention of Kaitlin's pony this episode. Once was funny. Twice was pushing it. Three times in fifteen minutes, however? Please retire the bald pony jokes. The guy leaves his name and number with Ryan in case Ryan happens to see Kaitlin. "It's important," he says. I don't trust him, though. I'm sure whatever issue he has with Kaitlin will be as boring and tedious as his insistence on wearing tight blazers all the time.
Ryan meets Kaitlin at her trailer. He asks her about the guy, and she tells him that his name is Justin and he attends the nearby boys' boarding school. Ever since they met at a mixer, he's been stalking her. Ryan promises to "take care of it," and Kaitlin begs him not to tell Marissa, like she would even care. Kaitlin doesn't seem to care all that much, either, because the actress playing her is only slightly better at conveying emotions than the actress playing her older sister. They both sound like they memorize their lines phonetically because they don't know how to read them. After reading Willa Holland's myspace page, I suspect I'm right about that. The only thing she knew how to spell correctly there were the racial and homophobic slurs.
Of course, Marissa and the extremely ugly shirt decorated with sparkly anchors that I'm thinking she got at that thrift store are at Johnny's place to thank him for selflessly allowing her to go to Harbor. She urges him to apply to college, volunteering her services to help him fill out an application. Because we all know how good she is at that. Nail down your laptops, Johnny! He refuses the offer, telling Marissa that he is not her problem, and he doesn't need her "saving" him. He whispers all his lines, too, as if they were in a library instead of his own private home. Speak up when you're saying such awesome things! Marissa is taken aback, and stammers that she just wanted to repay him for doing such an "incredible thing" for her, and Johnny sets her straight by telling her that sometimes people do things for themselves and not for Marissa. Granted, it doesn't happen very often on this show, but it is still possible. He wanted Marissa to go back to Harbor because he needed her out of his life. Ha!
Sandy gives the Getting-Puffier-Everyday Dr. Neil a call and asks him for a favor for Marissa's sake. Dr. Neil is all about helping Marissa out, since everyone loves Marissa and worships at her altar or the mini-shrine they've all created in their homes. Sandy asks Dr. Neil if he knows Mrs. T, and Dr. Neil responds that he knows "every former A-cup in this town," like, way to break doctor-patient confidentiality there, ass. Maybe he's just bitter because he used to be an A-cup, too, until he ate his way into some man-boobs. Dr. Neil agrees to a date with Mrs. T, even though Sandy tells him that it will be "horrible." Anything for Marissa!
Ryan meets Justin at the Bait Shop. He orders him to get his stalker ass out of Newport and leave Kaitlin alone, but Justin says he's not going anywhere until he gets the fifteen hundred dollars Kaitlin stole from his brother back. You see, Justin and Kaitlin had been dating for a month when Justin took her to his college brother's frat party. Kaitlin stole the door money and took off for Newport. I know Justin's brother is supposed to be rich and all, but what the hell college party is making that much money?! Even the most expensive and prestigious places feature little more than a keg of Natty Light and someone's music-filled computer hooked up to some speakers. Kaitlin also lied to Justin that she was sixteen. If she won't give him the money, the matter is now out of his hands.
Summer and Seth discuss Taylor Townsend's "abused puppy syndrome," saying that now that they've been nice to her, she'll be following them around for the rest of their lives. This includes cell phone calls, which Summer doesn't seem to think she needs to return. So Taylor comes in person, entering the room with a terrifying scream and her usual peppy hands-a-clappin' run-walk. Summer asks how Taylor Townsend got past the armed phalanx that is the Roberts' Mansion housekeeper, completely ignoring the fact that anyone can get into the Roberts house and stay there for as long as they wish (ahemMarissaahem). Taylor Townsend announces her wonderful news -- Summer's dad and Taylor's mom are DATING! It won't be long before they're stepsisters, and Taylor leaves to run around the mansion and pick out her new bedroom, as if any new residents of the mansion even get their own rooms. Marissa had to share a bed with Summer for months! Hopefully, Taylor Townsend won't get sucked into the vortex that all the other beloved and not-so-beloved O.C. tertiary characters fall into, which I am now convinced is hiding in the entry to the attic.
Mrs. T and Dr. Neil compare notes about their respective jobs and seem to have a good time with each other. I don't know why Mrs. T would want to date the guy who's spent some time getting up close and personal with both the out and inside of her breasts, except for the fact the their date allows Julie, who's having dinner with Kaitlin at the same place, to have the chance to see Dr. Neil with someone else and get sad and jealous.
Back at the trailer, Marissa appears to be wearing no pants at all, but she's actually just wearing skin-tight leggings that are the same color as her skin. When did skin-tight leggings come back in style? I was hoping they had gone away forever. Maybe she picked those up at the thrift store, too. Ryan enters the trailer without knocking, and it's really smart of Marissa to leave the door unlocked when Gus is roaming around looking for a place to put his fried ham. Marissa is all upset because she can't find her jacket, which she describes as "brown with things on it" and "stupid." Is the jacket stupid, or is it just mimicking its owner? Anyway, Marissa is also upset about her fight with Johnny, which she sees fit to share with Ryan because we all know how much he likes Marissa and Johnny's relationship. Marissa's more upset about the fact that someone would dare say he doesn't want to see her again than the reasons behind such a declaration, but does have the grace to say that she has a "great boyfriend." Ryan agrees with this and noticeably doesn't return the compliment, and Marissa finds her jacket in Kaitlin's suitcase and takes off. Ryan follows, but not before he notices that there's a duffle bag from Justin's brother's school stashed in the suitcase as well. It's empty, though. No bonus fifteen hundred bucks for Ryan!
The morning, Ryan drinks his usual black coffee and sulks. Seth enters, and Ryan lets him in on the situation with Kaitlin. Marissa and Kaitlin enter, ready to go to the diner for pancakes, and Seth comments that people don't bother to knock before they enter other people's houses anymore. Did they ever do that on this show, though? He then makes an excuse to get Marissa out of the room so that Ryan and Kaitlin can talk in a rare show of thoughtfulness. Ryan tells Kaitlin what Justin told him and about how he found the duffle bag that seems to prove that Justin was telling the truth and that Kaitlin was not. Kaitlin claims that she needed to take the money because Justin's brother Sam got her friend pregnant. Sam washed his hands of the whole affair, so Kaitlin stole his money to buy her an abortion. If she's lying, she did an amazing job thinking of it so quickly. Ryan doesn't really believe her, and tells her to tell Marissa what's going on. But when Marissa and Seth come back in the room, Kaitlin claims to have lost her appetite for breakfast and asks to be taken home instead.
Summer is annoyed at her father for going on a date with Mrs. T and not telling her. Dr. Neil apologizes, saying he figured the date would be a one-time thing that wasn't significant enough to mention to anyone. But then he had fun with Mrs. T last night, who he says is a misunderstood woman. Summer calls Mrs. T all sorts of nasty names, and Dr. Neil orders her to be nice to Mrs. T when he takes her to Kirsten and Julie's out-of-nowhere dating service launch party tonight. "Fine!" Summer shouts in her best petulant teenage girl tone.
There's a knock at the trailer door. Kaitlin yells out to Gus that she's not allowed to answer the door even if he does have candy this time. Hee! Gus rocks. He's getting to be like Wilson from Home Improvement, except less visible and much cooler. Give him a spin-off! It's not Gus at the door, sadly, but Johnny, who really needs to retire that brown shirt he's been wearing all episode. He came to apologize to Marissa, and Kaitlin pouts that no one ever comes to see her at the trailer, which could have something to do with the fact that no one knows she lives there and all her friends are at school. Kaitlin invites Johnny to the launch party, promising that Marissa will be there for him to apologize to. Johnny agrees to go, and Kaitlin makes a face that I believe is supposed to be evil satisfaction. Gus is nowhere to be seen.
On the pier, Marissa demands to know what Ryan is hiding from her. He freely admits Kaitlin's recent problems, probably because he's sick of being the Cooper ladies' Hero Man and sees Kaitlin's return as yet another opportunity for him to be that and little else. Maybe he'll get his own storyline season. He says he doesn't believe Kaitlin's story about her pregnant friend and thinks Marissa should talk to her, especially since Justin won't be leaving Newport without his brother's money.
Kirsten and Julie set up for their launch party. Kirsten tells Julie that Mrs. T and Dr. Neil have been added to the guest list, and Julie spills that she's upset to see Dr. Neil dating someone else after having gotten so close to him recently. She didn't realize she had feelings for him until he saw her with someone else, especially when that someone is the woman who tried to destroy her daughter's life. But she knows she'll get over her disappointment: "I'm like the Gulf Region. At this point, what's one more hurricane?" Too soon for that line, Julie. Too soon.
Up in Seth's bedroom, Seth and Summer are trying to figure out a way to drive Mrs. T and Dr. Neil apart. Seth's idea to spread a rumor that Dr. Neil has genital warts is met with predictable disgust by Dr. Neil's daughter, who probably didn't want that particular mental picture. Sandy comes in and asks them to give Kirsten a hand outside. They say they're too busy plotting against Dr. Neil and his "skanked-out ho-bag." Now, I know Mrs. T isn't the most pleasant person in the world, but we haven't seen any evidence that she's promiscuous. On the contrary, she seems way to tightly wound to have gotten some in quite some time. Summer needs to add some new, more appropriate insults to her near-perfect SAT vocabulary. Sandy reassures the kids that Mrs. T and Dr. Neil were just a one-time thing, and is surprised when Summer informs him that Mrs. T and Dr. Neil's second date will be at tonight's party. Kirsten runs in, looking for Sandy to discuss the news she just heard about Dr. Neil and Mrs. T. "Now we have a quorum!" Seth happily exclaims. Kirsten tells the crowd about the circumstances surrounding her fixing up Mrs. T and Dr. Neil, and Sandy says that Dr. Neil must see something in Mrs. T that no one else does. "Huh?" says Summer. "No, no, no!" Kirsten insists. "What the hockey?" Seth asks. I'm pretty sure that was an ad lib, based on how surprised Rachel Bilson looks before she starts cracking up. But the scene continues, and Sandy determines that they have to find a way to make Mrs. T dump Dr. Neil, fearing that if it's the other way around, Mrs. T might take her rejection sadness out on Marissa and not let her go to prom. Seth restates his genital warts idea, earning him a slap on the arm from Summer and a shocked "Seth!" from Kirsten. Sandy is conspicuously silent here, which makes me wonder if he, too, has genital warts. He and Kirsten agree to keep thinking of ways to break Dr. Neil and Mrs. T apart and leave, and Seth asks Summer what the most shameful thing about her dad she can think of is for his non-genital-warts-plan.
Ryan opens the front door to reveal Justin and some toughs. One of them is Justin's brother, who is, naturally, very pissed off. Marissa runs up and starts telling them off about stalking fourteen-year-olds and shirking responsibility for getting them pregnant, which confuses the group, who obviously have no idea what she's talking about. Kaitlin lied again! Speak of the she-devil, she walks up with her crap-ass timing and is immediately screamed at by Sam, who might have found his time better used by simply reporting Kaitlin to the police instead of trying to track her down like he's Dog the Bounty Hunter or something. Ryan orders her into the poolhouse while Marissa threatens to call the police. This threat doesn't work so well on the guys, of course, as they figure that the police will just make more trouble for Kaitlin. As usual, it's Ryan's job to calm everyone down. He sends Marissa off to talk to Kaitlin so he can deal with the guys. She heads for the poolhouse and finds her sister gone, which I think we all saw coming.
Ryan and Marissa pull up to the trailer, looking for Kaitlin. Sure enough, she's inside, hurriedly packing her things after her trip through the poolhouse's teleportation device, which is the only plausible explanation for how she could have beaten Ryan and Marissa back to the trailer park even if she did take that taxi. Unless, of course, there just happens to be a taxi stand right outside the Cohen house. Marissa is pissed at her sister for lying, and Kaitlin is pissed at her sister for being a "self-righteous princess." Bored, Ryan orders them to "just talk to each other" and wanders away.
Marissa softens and asks her sister to let her help her. Kaitlin quite rightly says she didn't think her sister would care all that much, considering that she's spent the last two Christmases "with complete strangers." That does suck. Boo, Coopers! Involve your youngest member in your holidays, even if she is a brat. Marissa promises to make her crappy sisterlyness up to Kaitlin as long as Kaitlin is honest with her, to which Kaitlin asks Marissa how honest she and their mother were when they lied about living in a trailer. Marissa protests that she only found out about the trailer recently. Kaitlin finds that hard to believe, as she's adorably optimistic about her sister's deductive reasoning skills, and reveals that she found out a lot sooner than that, as a classmate of hers' dad owns that same trailer park and called her as soon as he saw who his latest tenant was. It's pretty amazing that someone would recognize "Julie Cooper-Nichol" as the mother of his daughter's classmate, and even more so that the student body would make fun of Kaitlin for having a trailer park mom but not the other girl whose dad owns the damn place. And why would Kaitlin even go to the Persian house if she already knew that her family didn't live there? But Marissa's only question is why did Kaitlin steal that money. It wasn't for a classmate's abortion after all, but so Kaitlin could get a ride back to Newport to make sure her family was okay. I guess she flew first class through, like, England, to need that much money to do it. It's called a bus ticket, Kaitlin. Come on now. Marissa and Kaitlin hug and then Kaitlin grabs her dog purse (see? I told you it would be important!), takes a wad of cash out of it, and gives it to Ryan to give to Justin and Sam. She won't be doing that herself, because she doesn't have a spine.
Back at the launch party, Seth and Summer are waiting for Taylor Townsend to arrive so they can put their plan into action. Kirsten and Julie get on the mic and welcome everyone to the launch for "Newport's first exclusive dating service, NewMatch. Because whether you're gay, straight, single, divorced, nearly-divorced -- in a world of wealth and luxury, the only thing really worth pursuing is a soul mate." I hope they aren't planning on using that as their motto. Kirsten grabs the mic away from Julie and urges everyone to "drink up!" as she conveniently forgets all about her recent bout with alcoholism. Dr. Neil and Mrs. T toast each other and Julie looks sad.
Seth finds Taylor Townsend. She immediately warns him not to make a pass at her because she won't let anything come between her and her soon-to-be step-sister. Seth assures her that he won't, and says he has something to tell her about Dr. Neil before her mother makes any serious plans.
Justin meets Ryan at the Bait Shop. Ryan hands him his money, but Justin's not exactly satisfied; he was hoping to see Kaitlin. Ryan figures out that Justin is in love with Kaitlin, and Justin says he thought he was. "Be careful of that girl, man. She's...amazing." Of course she is! She's related to Marissa.
Kaitlin is disappointed with the launch party so far after all she's heard about the exciting violent fun there is to be had at Newport Parties. Sorry, Kaitlin! That was in seasons only!
Taylor pries her mother away from Dr. Neil and whispers to her as Seth and Summer watch from across the lawn. Mrs. T looks alarmed and tells Dr. Neil that she needs to take Taylor home because she isn't feeling well. Taylor waves to Seth and Summer as she leaves. Summer is thrilled that their plan worked after all, and can't believe that they got such sudden and great results from simply telling Mrs. T that Dr. Neil voted for Kerry in the last election. At least, that's what she told Seth to tell Taylor. He actually just went with his original genital warts plan. Hee.
Now that Dr. Neil is alone, Sandy sidles up and says there's someone else at the party who could use a date. He points to Julie. Sandy is a much better matchmaker than his wife is.
Johnny finally arrives at the party. He runs into Kaitlin, who's very glad to see him. Yuck.
Dr. Neil waddles up to Julie and says that now that his real date has taken off, he'd like to take Julie out to dinner. Julie doesn't seem to mind being sloppy seconds, so she accepts readily.
Johnny finds Marissa and apologizes for what he said to her yesterday. Too bad; he was almost cool. Marissa grandly accepts his apology and tells him not to be a stranger (crap). He mentions seeing Kaitlin outside looking really bored, and Marissa asks him to drop her off at the trailer on his way out. They've made up for all of three seconds and she's already asking him to do stuff for her.
Summer tends to the wound she "accidentally" inflicted on Seth's face in her uncontrollable rage over his genital warts plan. Summer hurts Seth a lot. I'm concerned for him. Taylor Townsend runs in after getting a ride back to the party to tell Summer that she loved the thought of having her as a sister and would still like to think of Summer of such if she can. Okay, Taylor Townsend has officially crossed the line from charmingly desperate to creepily overattached.
Marissa sits around the pool waiting for Ryan to return. He says everything with Justin went fine, although he did feel sorry for the guy for falling so hard for a Cooper girl. He knows what it's like, as does almost every other male character on this show. It's like a virus. A horrible, horrible virus.
It's awkward times in Johnny's Jeep. Kaitlin wonders if Newport changed or she did, then decides that it was her, and demands that Johnny pull over right now so they can go swimming. Johnny can't believe Kaitlin's spontaneity and follows her down the beach. At some point, her dress comes off, leaving her in just a tank top and underwear. The child porn enthusiasts cheer as the episode fades to black.