It's morning at the Cohens'. Sandy pulls up in front of the house and sneaks a peek at his watch.
Inside the house, Ryan is studying at the kitchen table. Seth wanders over in his jammies and yawns that Ryan is up early: Ryan explains that he has a test. "I was on my way out, just to talk," Seth says, nodding toward the pool house. "Studying," Ryan reminds him. Seth shrugs that it's okay for them to talk there, although he thinks the issue feels "a little more pool-housey." Ryan wonders if this is about Alex, but Seth tells him it's about Summer and Zach: "Which I realize is more of an evening subject, best told over Playstation." Ryan rolls his eyes and finally looks up from his textbook. "I'll allow it," he says, resting his chin on his fists. Seth explains that he, Zach, and Summer are moving forward with the comic book, and it's bringing up some concerns. Wait. Rewind. When did Summer become the third party here? I thought Ryan was at least tangentially involved in this whole thing, and we all know that Summer thinks comics are lame. So why is it suddenly the three of them doing this thing? Other, of course, than for the contrived reasons of the plot?
"So Summer and I are getting involved professionally," Seth says. "You know how these things go, Ryan. Late nights at the office..." "You don't have an office," Ryan points out. "Sure, but with the added stress of work and deadlines, things can get, uh, sexy," Seth offers. Ryan wrinkles up his face and points out that, first of all, comics are not sexy, and, second, Seth is over the Summer thing anyway. Oh, Ryan. Open your eyes, child. "For the first time in your life, you're not facing any women issues," Ryan says, leaning forward on his fists to study some more. "So, then, you're saying that I'm complaining that I have nothing to complain about?" Seth says. "This is what I'm saying," Ryan groans. "Okay, great," Seth says, getting up from the table. "Then I will await the great romance to wreak havoc on my heart and mind." Must I point out again, my dear, sweet, bed-headed, lispy Seth, that you are the one who abandoned Summer to go sail around on your little boat? That ship sailed because YOU decided to haul up anchor and go. To use a rather apt metaphor. So the reason you are still awaiting your great romance is because you gave up the first one to begin with. I mean, I feel you and all, but you did this -- you did ALL OF THIS -- to yourself. In other words: wah.
As Seth starts to go upstairs, Sandy sneaks into the house in his stocking feet. He sure sat out in the car for a long time. Seth watches quietly, and eventually Sandy turns around and sees him standing there. Sandy, please get a haircut. Please. You look like the lost member of the Partridge Family. "Are you sneaking in after curfew?" Seth asks. "Busted! Am I grounded?" Sandy asks. Seth sighs that he's willing to show some lenience here in exchange for his father returning the favor for him one day. "Keep dreaming," Sandy tells him. "It was worth a shot," Seth shrugs.
Sandy sneaks into his bedroom. Dude, it's daylight and you and Kirsten share a bed. I bet good money that she already knows you never came home last night. I am proved correct when Kirsten comes out of the bathroom and tells Sandy she was worried about him. He sighs that he's "just beat." Kirsten looks concerned, and asks how Professor Max took "the news about Rebecca." Oh, you mean the news that she is alive, although she looks like she might have actually had to dig her own way out of her rumored grave? Tell her, Sandy! Instead, Sandy sighs, "How do you think he took it?" Kirsten can't imagine. And Sandy is saved from having to continue that conversation any longer when his cell phone rings. It is the Zombie Queen herself. She's hanging out on the pier. "Want me to grab you some coffee?" she asks. Sandy tells her that he'll just see her at 9. Presumably they're meeting to see if she has any news from the underworld for him. Sandy turns to Kirsten and tells her that things are going to be hectic for a while. She rests her chin on his shoulder and tells him to try to get some sleep. "You look exhausted," she says, as she heads into the bathroom. What he primarily looks is guilty. Sandy? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LYING TO HER? There is absolutely no way for her not to find out about this, and then there will be hell to pay.
Okey doke. So, Kirsten comes down into the kitchen and tries to make conversation with the still-studying Ryan. She asks him how things are going with Lindsay, and he hesitates a moment before telling her that thing are "good." Kirsten catches what she calls his "definite hesitation," and assures him that "whatever [he] did can be undone." Ryan tells her he didn't do anything: "Although thanks for your confidence." He tells her the entire unfortunate story of last week's non-meal with Caleb. Kirsten makes sympathetic noises. "He thought she wanted money?" she asks. "He must have gotten her confused with my other sister. Or his wife." Ryan admits that he's not Caleb's biggest fan, but, "Luke Skywalker was happy to have a dad, even if he was Darth Vader." Dude, what version of Star Wars are you watching? In my version, there's a lot of "nooooo," and then someone loses a hand. It's not so much "happy to have a dad," as it is, "aw, shit, are you serious? That guy? DAMMIT." At any rate, Kirsten agrees that Lindsay needs a father. "I'll handle this," she assures Ryan, telling him that she's going to have them all for dinner, and that she's going to make sure that Darth Caleb behaves himself.
Over at Teen Emancipation Arms, Marissa and Alex are running around in their panties, because that's what girls do when they're alone. First, you run around in your panties, then you sing into your hairbrushes, then you have a pillow fight, and then you experiment with lesbianism. They're also cleaning up their empties and talking about how much they drank last night. "Who knew you Harbor chicks could throw down like that?" Alex asks. "Yeah, well, I'm not like the other girls," Marissa says. BECAUSE SHE'S A LESBIAN. In case you hadn't heard. I must note that Marissa looks very pretty here, although she's wearing an awful lot of eye makeup for someone who just woke up. Marissa, sleeping in your eye makeup is very bad for your skin. Do you want to age yourself even more? Anyway, Alex cracks that this is probably the time to show Marissa the meth lab in the basement. "I thought you'd never ask!" Marissa smiles, and they giggle. And then exchange Meaningful, Possibly Gay Looks. Alex quickly changes the subject, saying she supposes Marissa ought to head to school. "Say hi to Seth for me," she adds. "I kind of miss his little chicken arms. What's he been up to? He hasn't bugged me for a while." Marissa, naturally, has no idea, since she hasn't seen Seth in weeks, and, what's more, she doesn't give a shit. Also, she's skipping school again: "How much is there to learn about the Aztecs, anyway?" Well, there's a lot of interesting stuff about human sacrifices, for one thing. Alex is also unaware of the fascinating history of the Aztecs, and suggests she give Marissa "that surf lesson." Is that a euphemism? At any rate, Marissa thinks this is "awesome," and heads off to take a shower, taking her shirt off en route. She stops halfway to the bathroom and, holding her top over her breasts, coyly wonders if she can borrow another one from Alex: "This one smells like cigarettes." Alex is sort of speechless, in face of the boobies, and just nods. Marissa flounces to the shower. She is such a tease.
At the Pier, Rebecca enjoys the feeling of the sun on her recently-released-from-the-crypt face, and says that she can't believe "Sandy Cohen" is living in Newport. This show is approaching Dawson's Creek-like levels of First Name Last Name banter. "Who'd you end up marrying?" she asks. "Wait, let me guess. Left-wing, radical, from Long Island, Reformed?" Sandy tells her she's not even close: "Rich, conservative, Presbyterian. And she grew up...well, right here basically. Blonde. Blue eyes. Cute little nose. Like a button." Possibly alcoholic. Currently being lied to. Rebecca comments that Sandy's full of surprises, and wonders how Kirsten took the news of Rebecca's return from the great beyond. Sandy explains that he's a big lying liar, telling Rebecca that he doesn't want Kirsten to be considered "an accomplice, what with [his] harboring a fugitive." I'm so sure. Sandy, this is so out of character for you, this lying. It's very disappointing. Rebecca sort of has no reaction to this, so Sandy asks her if she ended up getting married: "Got those five kids you always wanted to have?" Rebecca tells him she never even got close: "There hasn't been anybody since you." Wow, that is one epic dry spell, even for a dead lady. She points out that it's hard to meet people when you're on the run from the law. But isn't there some sort of Fugitive Underground Railroad in Canada, full of hot Canadians helping former draft dodgers, and so forth? I might have just gleaned that from a movie, but it seems like that's the way it ought to be.
Anyway, Sandy can see how being a fugitive from justice might "salt [Rebecca's] game." Rebecca mocks his Orange County patois, and Sandy laughs: "Stick around, you'll be saying 'rad' in no time." Rebecca tells him that she's not going to stay. She's going to hang out with her dad for a couple of days, and then disappear again: "How can I stay? You said yourself, I'm a fugitive. The Feds are looking for me. I don't want to get you in any trouble." Can we just take a moment to reflect upon how totally absurd and not-in-keeping with this show this plot is? Fugitive from the Feds? Nuclear reactor explosions? Fake deaths? None of those things is good when it comes attached to tertiary characters. Now, if Marissa turns into a violent anti-nuke activist and fakes her death to flee the country? That is drama. But introducing this weird legal/political/mid-life crisis plotline for Sandy just feels weird and desperate, and it's too early in this show's run for weird and desperate. Anyway. Sandy asks if Max knows she's leaving so soon. "I was hoping you'd help me out with that," Rebecca tells him. You have got to be kidding me. Do you run from everything, Deadsy McBloaterton? Sandy says nothing as his mullet just blows in the wind.
Ryan greets Lindsay at her locker with a kiss on the cheek and a big grin. "So, what do you want for dinner?" he asks, and then explains Kirsten's big Smooth Over Familial Relations dinner plan. Lindsay rolls her eyes. "One horrible dining experience wasn't enough?" she asks. Moreover, she (a) can't believe Ryan told Kirsten about their abortive dinner with Caleb; (b) doesn't need anyone's help with this; and (c) doesn't want to have dinner with her father. Ryan trots out his horrible Stars Wars analogy again, and Lindsay, thank goodness, reminds him that Like Skywalker came out of that whole thing sans hand. She tells him not to worry about "[her] family, or...[their] family. Just let it be!" She storms off, and Ryan looks sad, because he always wants to fix everything even when he just ought to mind his own knitting.
Kirsten comes stomping into Caleb's office. He clearly knows he's in for it, because he launches right into the ass-kissing. "Yogilates or cardio bar or whatever it is you've been up to is working wonders on your figure," he tells her. Some posters on the forums thought this was sort of gross and inappropriate, but I think Caleb just has no idea how to relate to women. He wants to say the right thing to his daughters more often than not, I think, but it never comes out right. It's a flaw in his character that he'll need to address if he ever wants to make the switch over to Truly Pure Evil. If you're Truly Pure Evil, you need to be able to flawlessly sweet talk the very people you're screwing over. In other news, I own Kirsten's shirt, but in black. Caleb tells her it's "fetching." Thank you, Caleb. If Julie never comes back, I would be more than happy to marry you and make everyone else's life pure hell. We begin with Marissa. Kirsten waits for Caleb to finish kissing up, and then tells him that she needs to ask a favor: "I need you to have dinner with me, Lindsay, and Ryan, and I need you to not be the world's biggest ass." What a terribly polite invitation. Caleb pretends he doesn't know what she's talking about. "You accused her of wanting money!" says Kirsten. "Not that you ever viewed that as a personality flaw before." Caleb points out that Lindsay did turn up with "that inland street thug." Tee hee. You can tells that Alan Dale is not from southern California, since he pronounces it "in-land," whereas a native would pronounce it more like "inLUND." This statement is brought to you by a third-generation Los Angeleno. I have also decided that Seth should get Ryan a sweatshirt from Neighborhoodies that reads "Inland Street Thug." Anyway, Kirsten just rolls her eyes: "Dad. Listen up. Ryan, the assumed street thug, has been living with us for a year and half now. He is a brother to Seth and a son to me and Sandy." But Caleb! He questions Ryan's motives! "I'm just protective of my family," he tells her. Kirsten reminds him that Lindsay just wants to get to know her father: "Now, tonight, you are going to show up for dinner and you are going to be a real dad to this girl, or you're going to lose two daughters. Got it?"
We cut to Sandy's Surf Shack/Law Office, where Rebecca "The" Bloom "Is Off the Rose" is explaining to her father that she can't stay because she's "endangering Sandy," and, also, that if she spends anymore time in the SoCal sunshine, she'll burst into flames. I feel like she and Max decided to endanger Sandy when they showed up at his office in the first place, so I don't know why she's repeating herself here, but I suspect it's to make herself look good. Then there's all this blah blah I don't want to lose you all over again blah, and Rebecca refuses to turn herself in and SNORE. Max just wants Sandy to clear Rebecca's name. "That's going to be very hard to do, considering what happened," Sandy says. And that's when we learn that Rebecca never set the fire at all. She chickened out, she says, and didn't even go. But she didn't want to have to testify against her friends, so she went on the lam for twenty two years. That is absurd. She could have refused to testify, I'm sure, and done a much lesser sentence for obstruction of justice, rather than choosing RUN FROM THE LAW FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. This opinion was brought to you by Law & Order: Reruns. At any rate, Max thinks Sandy is up to the legal challenge. Rebecca doesn't want to put Sandy at risk like that: "He has a family now." Max sniffs that the Blooms used to be his family, and thus guilt-trips Sandy into agreeing to tackle the case. Because everyone's favorite part about The O.C. is THE LEGAL ASPECT.
Harbor High School and Coffee House. Seth draws. Summer takes a seat to him. "Is that Marissa?" she asks, looking at his drawing. It is. Seth explains that Marissa's superhero name is "Cosmo Girl," and she's got "a passion for fashion, and a magic flask!" Summer sort of wrinkles her nose. "Alcoholism as a superpower," she says dryly. "That is an interesting take." She examines the drawing: "You must think Marissa is super-hot. You're not going to draw me all short and stumpy are you? Like, to punish me for not liking you anymore?" Yes, yes, and Donna Martin is a really talented designer, I know. Seth finally tells her that he's worried that his shared history with Summer might "compromise [his] vision." Summer tells him that if he writes her out, she will compromise his vision all right: "Do not forget about my rage blackouts!" Seth assures her that he hasn't: "In fact, it's part of your superpowers," he tells her, saying that she's really very "Hulk-like." Summer jokes that this is just a way for him to get her to rip off all her clothes. Oh, you two. Just do it. I'm not getting any younger here. Seth explains that this is exactly what he's talking about. Summer rolls her eyes: "Are you forgetting about our third partner? Zach? Superhero nickname: The Boyfriend? He has the power to make me forget you." Seth squeaks that he's just worried that things might turn all weird and sexy. He's starting to explain his "close quarters" theory when Zach comes bounding in, with great news! His dad? Knows an intern! Whose uncle? Works at this unbelievable comic-book company! In a nice piece of blocking, he squeezes right in between Seth and Summer, his back to his girlfriend. "I pitched them the shape of the idea! They love the world of Orange County, man! They think it could be really hot right now! They said if they like the artwork they might want to set up a meeting! So get ready, man! Late nights! High stress! Close quarters! Oh, and Cohen? You gotta nail Summer!" At this, of course, Cohen does a classic spit take. Zach explains that Seth has to nail Summer's drawing. Because he explained Summer's character to...these people...and they loved her! "They did?" Summer asks. "Yeah," he tells her. "But we've got to lock down her likeness! You've got to start drawing her right away! Like tonight! This is going to be great!" he says, and bounds off. Summer and Seth exchange worried glances. I don't understand why she has to pose for him if he drew her from memory all summer, but who am I? I'm just your lowly recapper. In other news: clueless enthusiastic Zach is my new favorite character.
Sandy gets home and finds Kirsten setting the table for her Dinner of Doom. "We're not having a party, are we?" he asks as he kisses her. "One never knows." She explains that it's just dinner with Caleb. "Don't worry, you're not invited," she adds. Sandy mutters that he has to go back to the office anyway. Kirsten sounds a little disappointed by this, but, hey, she did just disinvite him from her dinner party. What did she expect him to do? Stay in the kitchen and do the washing up? "Are you working with Max?" she asks. He tells her, carefully, that he is. Kirsten wonders what's left to do, what with Rebecca being all moldering six feet under and all. "What if I told you he wants me to clear Rebecca's name? Prove she was innocent?" Sandy asks, very, very cautiously. I have a suggestion. WHAT IF YOU TOLD KIRSTEN THAT YOUR UNDEAD QUEEN NOW WALKS THE EARTH? Thank you. Poor, clueless Kirsten thinks this would be wonderful: "The man's daughter died. And if you can't bring his daughter back, at least you can clear her name." Sandy looks guilty. "SHE'S ALIVE SHE'S ALIVE SHE'S ALIVE," The Brows yell. They could never keep a secret. "I knew you'd understand," Sandy says. Don't be a douchebag, Sandy.
Kirsten finds Ryan in the kitchen and wonders why he's not dressed. For dinner, I mean. He's not standing in front of the fridge in a towel. Confidential to the writers: get Ryan in front of the fridge in a towel. "Is Lindsay here?" she asks. Ryan explains she's not coming. Why didn't you tell Kirsten that before she started making dinner? What's up with all these people? Why are they so unschooled in the rules of etiquette? Kirsten asks why. "Because she joined the Peace Corps and moved to Tanzania," Ryan says. Not really. Actually, he explains that it's because she doesn't want to have anything to do with Caleb. I feel like a smart woman like Kirsten should have been able to figure that out on her own, but maybe this little exchange is for that viewer who spent the last three weeks making a sandwich. Kirsten tells him to go and fetch his girlfriend, but Ryan doesn't want to be in the middle anymore. Kirsten points out that if he doesn't put himself in the middle, it's going to be just the two them and Caleb for dinner. What about Seth? Has he been banned from the meal as well? Is he being forced to forage for leaves in the back yard? Ryan just doesn't know what to say to Lindsay anymore. Kirsten makes a thoughtful face and tells him to set the table. She runs off to put herself in the middle of the situation.
Bar. Marissa sees a drawing of Seth's pinned to Alex's office wall, and asks Alex what it is. She really has checked out of her regular life, hasn't she? I can't wait for Julie Cooper to get back into town and smack the Harbor right back into her. Alex explains that Seth left it there: "It's a demon water polo player, I guess." How very Buffy. "Maybe in ten years I'll sell it on eBay or something," she mutters, as they walk out to the bar. Marissa asks what "the deal was" with Alex and Seth. Alex shrugs. "We never really left the ground, you know? We taxied down the runway but never achieved liftoff." Oh, Cohen. That happens to every guy. Especially if they've been drinking. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Marissa says she just got out of one of those. A relationship where the guy couldn't get it up? Well, then I certainly have no idea why she was with DJ for as long as she was, then. I thought it was sex, because it certainly wasn't conversation. Oh, right: to piss off her mother. Okay, carry on. Alex says those kind of relationships are good for getting over someone. "Or, getting you ready for someone," Marissa offers. Alex turns around to do some bar-type work, and makes these sort of hilarious "what is up with this?" faces to herself. Oh, Alex. We've all been there. When someone is randomly flirting with you and you can't tell if they're really flirting or they're just flirtatious. Then Marissa wonders if she "can crash" with Alex again. "Anything to avoid hanging out with my stepdad," she sort of whines. Alex says this is fine, but she has to ask her a question: "What are you doing with me?" Good for you, kid. Marissa nervously offers that they're watching movies and eating ice cream? Alex, brave girl, presses on: "Sleeping over all the time, borrowing my clothes...things that never happened with Seth and I was dating him." Marissa nervously cracks that Seth wasn't her size. "No, but he was, however briefly, my boyfriend," Alex says. Alex is so much more likeable as the no-bullshit lesbian hottie than she was as Seth's Inappropriate Girlfriend. Marissa yelps that she should just sleep at home anyway, and scampers off, all confused by her strange, strange feelings.
Lindsay is practicing the oboe at home in her bedroom, her hair pulled back far too tightly for her face. Kirsten pops her head in the room, and there's some talking about the oboe. Lindsay is playing Brahms. Caleb loves Brahms! Can we just get this over with, already? Finally, Lindsay tells Kirsten that she's not coming to dinner, period. Kirsten sighs. "No one has been more thoroughly crushed by our dad than me," she begins, but Lindsay rightly retorts that she's not really interested in joining that club. Kirsten pleads that Caleb is tough, but that he's really a good guy once you figure him out. "Really?" Lindsay asks. Kirsten laughs sort of helplessly and admits that she's never been able to figure him out. Well, that's a ringing endorsement for dinner if I ever heard one. Let's all go!
Over in the land of the Lying Liars and the Dead Ladies Who Love Them, Sandy decides that Rebecca should hole up at his office while she's on the run from the law. And he's taking her case. Bloaty McZombie is thrilled to hear it, and hugs him and chirps that she wants to celebrate. With tequila! And some weed, which she brought with her from Canada ["where, by the way, it's practically legal, y'all" -- Wing Chun], because nothing is smarter than sneaking pot back into the country when you're a fugitive from justice. I am so transfixed by Kim Delaney's wonky eye-tooth that I don't hear any of this blah blah about how Sandy knows how to turn anything into a bong, but it doesn't matter because Sandy thinks they should just stick to tequila. Oh, famous last words.
Seth comes over to draw Summer. She lets him into her bedroom, holding her robe closed all up at the neck. Seth cracks that it's nice that she's dressed up for the occasion, but she kind of ignores him. "Ready?" she asks as he sits on the bed. He says he is, but from the expression on his face when she drops the robe, I don't think he really was. Summer is wearing pleather hot pants, a bustier with hot pink sequined accents, black high boots, and pink fishnets. She looks adorable. And sexy, in a Comic-Con kind of way. Seth is sort of beside himself and just looks stunned. "What?" Summer pouts. "This is my costume! I told you I have wardrobe approval. Less drooling, more drawing. And don't give me any junk in the trunk, either." Seth promises to put to paper the gifts God gave her. As he draws, she stands and looks uncomfortable. "Hold your arms akimbo," he directs. "A what-bo?" Summer asks. And so Seth has to go arrange her, and there's much touching and sexual tension. It's a bit hot. Or it would be, if her pleather wasn't so squeaky. "Are your dirty paws done manhandling me?" Summer finally asks, and then looks over at Seth's sketch pad to see that he's already drawn her face quite adroitly. Summer is very impressed, but it's not like he hasn't been drawing her all year anyway, so I don't know why she's that surprised. She turns to a fresh page, and notes that every time she tries to draw a person, it's "one big head with legs coming out of his chin." Seth gets on his knees to her, and starts instructing her on how to hold a pencil, like he's going to help her with her golf swing, then her batting stance and then how to properly hold a pool cue. Just make out, you two. Jesus. Anyway, instead, there's all this staring at lips and flirty lowered eyes and they're about two second away from just jumping each other when Seth breathes that he's got all the angles he needs. "I can do the rest from memory." Summer lets out her breath: "Good. Because my costume is starting to ride me." Seth tries not to think about this, clearly, and just promises to come back later to do Princess Sparkle. Oh, holy Christ. JUST KISS EACH OTHER. I'm aging rapidly here, and I'm tired of all this tip-toeing around. Anyway, Seth gathers all his stuff and scampers out of there, heaving a giant sigh once he's safely on the other side of the door.
Dinner with Caleb and Friends. Caleb tells "Kiki" that this is the best meal she's ever made, and she notes that fondue isn't that hard. Ah, but no less delectable for it, Kiki. Don't denigrate the cheese! Kirsten sips her wine and tells Caleb that Kirsten plays the oboe. "Do you play any Brahms?" Caleb asks. Lindsay says that she tries. Riveting. Kirsten tells the table that Caleb has a box at the Hollywood Bowl. Caleb tells Lindsay that she's welcome to the tickets, and Lindsay -- because she has suddenly turned into a moron -- doesn't say "thank you," but instead goes and invites Ryan along. Caleb doesn't think Ryan would be interested: "A boy like Ryan would probably get bored with a show like that." Ryan just rolls his eyes. "Right," Lindsay sasses. "Because they don't have music in Chino." Ryan tells Lindsay just to let Caleb insult him, which, also? Right sentiment, wrongly expressed. Caleb insists that he didn't mean to insult Ryan: "I just had no idea that you were a classical music fan. What's your favorite Brahms concerto?" Classical music and legal maneuvering. This episode is full of juicy bits. Ryan gets up and says that he's just going to let Lindsay and Caleb make up for lost time. "What are you insinuating?" Caleb snaps. Ryan says that Caleb and Lindsay have a lot to catch up on: "I don't want to see you waste all your time insulting me." Lindsey yelps at Ryan to stay, and Caleb echoes this sentiment: "Stay as long as you like. Live in our house, eating our food, dating our children." Well, Ryan's really just dating Lindsay. Unless Caleb thinks Ryan is also dating Seth, in which case...yeah, I guess he has a point. Kirsten tells Caleb that this is way out of line, but Caleb points out that he's forgiven Ryan for any number of things. You know, burning down the model home. Teaching Seth how to steal cars. Starting a brawl at his Man of the Year party: "And everyone seems to have forgotten that he impregnated a girl!" Well, he's got a point. What? He does. At this, Ryan just snaps: "Something you might know a thing or two about, except I didn't pay her off to stay quiet." Well, now he's got a point. And it is at this point that the shit hits the fan, as you might expect. Because Caleb has had just about enough! But Ryan is just getting started! And that's when Caleb has a heart attack, falling ever so slowly onto the floor and taking -- OH GOD NO -- the fondue with him. Kirsten tells Ryan to call 911 as we slam into commercial.
After the ads, everyone is waiting at the hospital. Well, everyone but Sandy, who, I presume, is off attending to his Zombie Queen. Kirsten sighs that this is the last time she tries cooking. Seth -- yet again looking adorable with bed head; I am a sucker for the bed head -- announces that he's starving, and gets up to look for a vending machine. Ryan says he'll go with him to get coffee, and Lindsay offers to stay with Kirsten. Everyone exchanges tortured looks. After the boys leave, Sandy shows up. He and Kirsten embrace. Sandy: "I'm sorry. Not that I haven't wished it on the man, but how's he doing?" Again, that's something you think, but not say. Kirsten just says she hasn't heard yet. She kisses him. "Have you been drinking?" she asks. Takes one to know one. Sandy is saved from answering this question by the appearance of the doctor, who tells them that Caleb suffered a minor heart attack, but that he's going to be okay. Kirsten is relieved. Lindsay asks if they can see him, and the doctor tells her that the visits are restricted to family. "I'm his daughter," Lindsay admits, and everyone looks at her like she just announced she was having his baby or something. She is his daughter, people. Everyone knows it. I get that this is supposed to be a moment, where, like, she accepts it and blah blah blah, and I guess I would care more if, you know, I cared about Lindsay particularly, and I must admit that I am suddenly totally over her. Anyway, the doctor shows her to Caleb's room. Kirsten says she'll be there in a moment, and turns and talks to Sandy, who tells her that he should go, since he and Caleb are arch-rivals so Sandy doesn't care if he drops dead, and he's also got a lot of work to do. What with the dead lady and all. But Sandy offers to stay if Kirsten wants him to. Kirsten tells him that she has Lindsay, Ryan, and Seth. And so Sandy leaves. He seems a bit disappointed to be dismissed, but he's the one who was so excited to get back to his old dead girlfriend.
Across town, Summer and Marissa hang out on Summer's bed and have girl talk with Princess Sparkle. "Oh my God, you almost kissed him?" Marissa squeaks. "Shouldn't you be at the hospital?" Summer asks. Marissa shrugs: "Eh, whatever. It's just Caleb. Ryan said he'll be fine. Besides, he's like a cockroach, you know? He'll outlive us all. Again: you almost kissed Cohen?" Summer ties a cape on Princess Sparkle, and insists that it was not an "almost kiss": "It was a nose graze. Totally different." Marissa nods. She says that, sometimes, you have "a moment with someone," when you're doing something "totally random, and it's just like, charged, or something." A real poet, that Marissa. Summer is all, "Who you been nose-grazing with?" Marissa just shrugs and asks if Summer knows what she means, and Summer says that she does: "Even when you're dating a totally hot guy who really likes you, you can still get flustered by a bobble-headed geek in size 27 jeans." Marissa wonders why that is, and what you're supposed to do about it. Summer offers that, if it's Cohen, "you use all the weapons in your designer handbag to defend yourself. If it's a normal person, than you go for it." Summer, sweetpea, I hate to break it to you at such a tender age, but...it's never a normal person. No, you might think he's normal, and he might act normal, but I assure you: he's not normal. And neither are you. Marissa thinks about this: "What if it's someone whose nose you never thought you'd graze?" Summer thinks about this, and announces that Marissa is young, single, and in possession of a cute nose, "so why not put it out there?" Marissa does not explain that she's scared to put her nose out there because she's worried that she might be a lesbian.
Hospital. Caleb tells Kirsten and Lindsay that he's never been better. "Are you on morphine?" Kirsten asks, but he explains that he owes them both a huge apology: "It's a shame it took a coronary for me to realize how terrible I've been, and I've been terrible." Kirsten tells him that it's okay, but he corrects her, and rightly so: "It's not okay. Now that I've got a second chance, well, I'd like a second chance." He takes both of their hands. Seriously, where is Julie Cooper? Shouldn't she come sweeping in, wearing some hot boots, ready to kicks some hospital ass? Kirsten looks stunned. "Can we start over?" Caleb asks. Lindsay gets teary. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't even think I liked you, until I almost lost you," she tells him. "Does that mean you forgive me?" he asks. She sniffles that she does. Ryan comes by with coffees at this very moment, but decides not to interrupt this family moment. I wish, privately, and just for a moment, that he'd decided to go in and throw a coffee in each of their faces. Just for the drama, you understand.
Sandy's Law Office and Surf Shack. "Am I going to jail?" Rebecca asks. Yes. For crimes against fashion. What is that tunic you're wearing? "Not necessarily," Sandy tells her. Do I care about Rebecca's well-being? Not at all. Does this plotline interest me? Not in the least. Anyway, Sandy tells Rebecca that clearing her name is not going to be easy, but that he'd like to look into plea bargaining so that she can stay with Max. After an agonizing amount of legal blah blah blah, Sandy excuses himself to call Kirsten, but gets the voicemail. He leaves a message: "I guess we'll catch up back at the ranch for dinner. Call me if you need anything. I love you." As he talks, Rebecca sits her bloated zombie ass down to him. She suggests that he go be with his family. "I don't think she really wants me there," he says. "Her father and I don't get along so well." Yes, but maybe you could be there for her. Since you're married and all. But instead Sandy tells The Leader of the Undead that he wants to get started on her snoretastic case. Because the sooner he gets started... "...the sooner I get out of your life and you get yours back," Rebecca finishes for him. Sandy assures her that it's not like that, but she tells him that it is: "Go home to your wife. We'll work on this in the morning."
Kirsten comes into the hospital hallway, where she finds Ryan, who hands her a cold cup of coffee. He tells her he didn't want to interrupt their family moment with something as trivial as caffeine. And that Seth went home to take a shower: "I figured I'd stay here. It was the least I could do." "Ryan. No one blames you for this," Kirsten assures him. "Really."
Back at the house, Seth opens the door to Alex, who's brought his drawing back. "It might be worth a lot of money some day," she smiles. He invites her in and gives her a soda. After some snarky pleasantries, he asks if she's seeing anyone: "Multiple people, perhaps? Female? Life partner?" Alex laughs: "Don't make me hurt you in your nice house." Seth chuckles that she hurt him enough already. Oh, you silly boy. Seth does a lot of swanning about, moaning about how sensitive he is, but I feel that that's mostly because he's rather self-involved and doesn't think about what he's done to the hearts of several of the girls around him. Can you tell that I got enraged when he took off on his boat at the end of last season and left poor Summer all alone? I am trying to move past it, but it's hard. Maybe if he got on a coffee cart and declared his love for me. Alex just smiles at him. "I didn't hurt you," she tells him. "It was never that kind of thing," she adds, idly flipping through his sketch book. "We were each other's in-between people, you know? You helped me get over Jody. And I helped you get over..." Alex's voice trails off as she comes to a drawing of Summer in Seth's book. "Summer," she finishes. Seth looks perplexed as Alex shuts the book. "It's kind of cool, actually," Alex tells him. "We helped get each other ready for what's ." "Well, good luck with that," Seth offers. "Good luck with Summer," Alex tells him quietly, and goes. That was a nice scene.
Kirsten comes home to find Sandy making her favorite dinner. "My hero," she says, kissing him. "You shaved," she notes. "I clean up nice," he grins. She says that he's been spending a lot of time at his new office. How does he like it? Sandy tells her that it's a little rough around the edges. "Just my style," he smiles. And just like the fugitive from the law that he's got tucked away in there! Kirsten tells him that if he's going to be spending a lot of time at said office, he'll have to spruce it up a bit. "I like it unspruced," Sandy cracks. Kirsten smiles, and tells him that, while he's cooking, she's going to run to the store to pick up some stuff for Caleb. She kisses him. "I love you," she says. He loves her, too. And we all know where this is going, right? Yes. Yes, we do.
Meanwhile, Seth goes over to Summer's, and after quite a bit of hemming and hawing and staring and gazing and lusting, he tells her that he thinks they probably shouldn't spend as much time together. And he doesn't need to look at her anymore to draw her: "I've got your image just seared in my memory." Summer agrees that the best way for them to maintain their professional relationship is to spend no time together at all. It is, of course, at this moment that Zach comes bounding in like a puppy. "WHO'S READY FOR A ROAD TRIP?" he chirps. Heh. He explains that he's talked to the comic book people, and they've got a meeting scheduled. "WE'RE GOING TO SAN DIEGO! JUST THE THREE OF US!" Heh. I laugh every single time I watch him deliver that line. Also? San Diego? Like maybe an hour away. So not so much a road trip. But I'll allow it, thanks to Zach's infectious delivery. "That's great," Seth and Summer say unenthusiastically.
Over at the Bait Shop, a lady singer with really unfortunate hair wails ovary-style. People make out. And Alex looks miserable....until Marissa comes over and takes her hand. OH MY GOD, DUDE, TWO CHICKS HOLDING HANDS!
Ryan sleeps sitting up at the hospital. Why is he the only person still there? Because he's so very sensitive, doncha know? Anyway, Lindsay sits down to him and wakes him by taking his hand. She smiles sadly at him. And we all get back on the Lindsay and Ryan Break-up/Make-up Merry-Go-Round.
thing you know, Lindsay's dropping Ryan off at home. "This is my fault," he says. She tells him it's no one's fault. But she thinks Caleb has changed. He really wants a relationship with Lindsay. "Uh, that's great?" Ryan asks. Lindsay nods and tells him that the problem is, she thinks that relationship is going to be hard to negotiate with Ryan around. She's sure Caleb will come around to liking Ryan, but for now, she's picking her dad over her boyfriend. Ryan is seriously like, "Sure, we'll take time off for the ninth time. No sweat! See you later!" and hops out of the car and goes to the front door, and Lindsay looks all weepy, but I think Ryan's pretty much already over it.
At Sandy's Surf Shop, Law Office, and Fugitive Headquarters, Rebecca gets a call. They let fugitives have cell phones? Interesting. She tells Sandy -- for it is he -- that she's hitting the sack, and Sandy assures her that he'll see her in the morning. He hangs up and, again, makes guilty faces. Rebecca just looks like she's wondering where she can get some Midol for this killer water retention. She turns out the lights.
Seth draws in his room. The phone rings, and he tries -- unsuccessfully -- to use The Force to pick it up rather than get up and walk over to it. I've often wished I could use The Force to avoid having to get up to fetch another Diet Coke. Anyway, Kirsten wants to talk to Sandy, but Seth lazily lies that he has no idea where his father is. She tells him that she's dropping a few things off at Sandy's office, as a surprise, but she'll be home soon...
...you know, after she discovers Rebecca at the office. Which is what happens in the scene, surprising only people who suffered a massive head injury in the last twenty seconds. Yeah, this is going to go over great.