We open with beauty shots of Newport, and finally arrive on the pier, where Ryan, Zach, and Seth are ambling. Seth is still talking about Alex. I like to think that he's been talking about her since we last saw him. Nonstop. "I want to drive over there and ask her, 'Alex, are we in a relationship or not?'" he says. Oh, Seth. If you have to ask, you aren't. Also, didn't she totally dump your ass last week? Zach totally thinks Seth should go over there and find out what's up. Ryan acts as the voice of reason -- as usual -- and vetoes this idea. "It's been almost a week and I still don't know where I stand," Seth complains. Sweetie, you guys totally broke up last week. You're standing in Singlesville, Pop: YOU. Seth also wants to know if Alex is back together with "the lesbian ex" and, if so, would the two of them be open to some "ménage à threeway, as in the film Summer Lovers?" Which I believe is an obscure Peter Gallagher film. I want to know when they're going to reference Center Stage already. Please, Schwartz, I'm begging you. Also, I would like to point out that last week, Seth was not at all turned on by the lesbianism. Although maybe he hadn't yet, er, inserted himself into the action. I am grossing myself out. I'll stop now. Anyway, Ryan is all, "If you have to wonder about it, it's probably not happening," because, like I said, he's the Voice of Reason, and Seth is all, "Which part, the threesome or the relationship?" and I am all, "Please see the sixth sentence of this recap."
The boys enter the diner, and take a seat at a booth by the window. Zach asks Ryan if he ever had any doubt about his relationship with Lindsay, and he admits -- after some cough-prompting from Seth -- to having had a moment or two. Seth tells Zach that Ryan just showed up on Lindsay's doorstep and told her that he wasn't going away until she gave him a shot. Which is something that girls seriously love if they like you, and which seriously freaks them out if they don't. Zach thinks Seth needs to just go to Alex and "tell her what [he wants]." Seth sort of gives him a look and asks if that's how it is between him and Summer. Zach thinks about this and reconsiders his advice. He thinks maybe Seth should just focus on himself. Or on comics! Zach needs to focus on GETTING A HAIRCUT. "At least I got my friends," Seth sighs. And...enter Summer. She takes a seat to Zach. Enter Lindsay. She takes a seat to Ryan. And poor Seth, feeling like a left out singleton -- the adolescent Bridget Jones of Newport, if you will -- leaves rather than be the fifth wheel. On the way out, he scribbles in his journal, "Obsessive thoughts about Alex: 679. V. bad."
CALIFOOOOOOORNIA. Dude, haven't you gotten there yet? It's been almost a year and a half. Put the pedal to the metal!
Morning at Casa Cohen. Sandy is reading the personal ads en route to the real estate listings. You see, he's looking for a new office out of which to practice law. Let me break the boring real estate dialogue down for you, quick-like: Sandy is going back to practicing public interest law and wants something rustic and cheap-o, while Kirsten votes for a big fancy office building. I love the two of them and all, but snore. "Tell me about it," The Brows mutter. "Can't we open something with a little more heft to it? Real estate is boring." Blah blah blah, Kirsten insists on going with Sandy to meet his realtor, presumably to keep him from making a Real Estate Mistake He'll Never Forget. Kirsten, don't be such a pain. Let him waste away in a dump, if that makes him happy.
Caleb and Julie's House of Great Bitchery. Marissa is drinking a screwdriver, dancing around her bedroom in her lingerie. I do that every Saturday morning. Okay, EVERY morning. Don't judge. Caleb knocks quite loudly on her door, but she doesn't hear it over the bitching Freedom (From Julie Cooper) Rock, so he just ends up opening the door. She turns around and jumps and hurries to cover herself up, although she's not particularly naked. Caleb apologizes, and tells her he heard the music. "You're not at school," he says. "You're not at work," she retorts. He crabs that he's running late: he's down to his last clean shirt and they're out of coffee: "You mother leaves town and my life goes to pieces." Aw, I love those two Komodo dragons together. I really want to see Caleb and Julie Cooper join their forces of Evil and rule Newport with fists of iron. Marissa puts on her robe and says that Caleb should have gone with Julie: "You could use a vacation." Caleb points out that Julie isn't on vacay, she's researching Newport Living. Marissa rolls her eyes: "She's in Europe, doing research for a magazine about Orange County?" Caleb just sighs and asks if Marissa needs a ride to school. See, I really think Caleb is trying to be parental and helpful to Marissa. He just doesn't realize that she'll never accept his overtures because she's a brat. She stammers that she doesn't feel well enough to go to school, and Caleb says he'll call his personal doctor and have him make a house call. See? House calls equal love. Marissa says she'd rather just sleep it off, "in case it's West Nile or something." Right, because she totally shouldn't see a doctor for the West Nile. Caleb says that, in that case, he'll call and check up on her. She stutters that she might not pick up, if she's sleeping. Caleb, unfamiliar with the signs of Totally Ditching School To Run Around Town With the Local Hot Lesbian, just nods with concern and goes.
As soon as Caleb leaves, Marissa calls Alex: "So, what are we doing today?" Alex, who answers the phone in her underwear, wonders if Marissa should be going to school. Marissa doesn't think she feels like it. She feels like going to breakfast and then doing some shopping with her new BFF. Wow, well sometimes I don't feel like going to work, but I...okay, that's when I call in sick. Fine. Continue, lesbians. "Aren't you sick of me yet?" Alex asks. "We've hung out every day this week." But Marissa isn't sick of her. Alex claims she isn't sick of Marissa yet, either, but...Jody is still there. See, she was supposed to go back to Los Angeles, but then she and Alex had this huge fight and spent the rest of the night having hot lesbian make-up sex. Someone knocks on Alex's door as she's explaining this, and Alex rolls off the sofa, wondering who could be at her door at 9 in the morning. "Are you calling me from outside my door?" she asks, as she heads over to open it. "Because that would be...creepy," she finishes, as she sees Seth standing there. Hee. "Good to see you too, Alex," he mutters. "Seth," Alex greets him. "Seth?" Marissa asks on the other end. Alex tells Marissa she'll call her back, and hangs up. "Doesn't anyone go to school anymore?" she asks Seth. And then there's some business about Seth hearing the shower running, and Alex explains that Jody is still there and Seth is all crabby-crabby, and this is why you avoid the Ex for a while, Cohen. Seth tells her that he just has to know where he stands. Alex sighs: "Seth, I told you. I just. I don't...do relationships." Seth bitterly says that she did Jody, "so to speak." Alex rolls her eyes. "Yes, and look how well that turned out," she points out. It is at this moment, of course, that Jody comes up behind her. "What's that supposed to mean?" she asks. Seth: "Jody." Jody: "Seth." Me: "Newman!" Alex looks pained. "Sorry. I would have introduced you guys, but I didn't want you to meet," she says, and then announces that she's going back to bed, and storms off. "You maybe want to grab breakfast?" Seth begins, but Jody just slams the door in his face. Seth writes in his diary, "Number of lesbian rivals bested: zero. V. v. bad."
School. Lindsay and Ryan are in what looks like Plate Tectonics class, which conveniently ends just in time for the beginning of this scene! Lindsay wonders if Kirsten and Sandy are going to be peeved that Seth ditched first period. Ryan shrugs that they're pretty easy-going. "Well, Sandy is. Kirsten is more...." He trails off. "Like her dad?" Lindsay asks. Ryan guesses so. He so doesn't want to be having this conversation. "Am I? I mean, he's my dad too," Lindsay says, in case any of the viewers have just recently awakened from a month-long coma. Ryan wonders if this is a trick question, and Lindsay admits that since Ryan knows her father and she doesn't, she's naturally curious: "Is he a monster?" Ryan stammers that Caleb is not very nice to him: "He thinks I'm after the Cohens' money. But other than that, he's great. You should call him." Ryan's hair is once again bizarre. Sometimes, it looks fine and other times it looks like he got in a hair-pulling match with a rabid badger. "And say what?" Lindsay wonders. "'Hi Dad, it's your illegitimate daughter. Want to have lunch?'" I actually think that sounds fine, if she leaves "illegitimate" out of it. Ryan offers that she could ask Kirsten to talk to him, and Lindsay says that she has: "So, he'll call, right? I mean, he's got to, sooner or later." Wow, have I said those words before. Although not about my Dad. Thank God. Ryan anemically agrees. Lindsay looks sad. Ryan looks helpless. The bell rings.
In the scene, Sandy has been transformed into a Real Estate Miracle Worker who has found himself an $850 beachfront guest house in Newport. Kirsten acts like it's hideous, but it's clearly going to be adorable after fifteen minutes and a bit of elbow grease and Sandy takes it. Can we just get to the part about his ex-girlfriend? Because as much as I am interested in home décor, this ain't all that dramatic. Ah! Ask and you shall receive: Sandy takes the place, AND a phone call from "Max," his "professor from law school." Max wants to see him later. About a matter of great importance that must be discussed in person! A matter which, I wager, has nothing to do with square footage.
Harbor School Coffee House. Summer and Zach are in line for java. Seth sits nearby, sketching and looking blue. Summer waves at him. He sort of flops his hand back. "What's up with Cohen?" Zach wonders if maybe it didn't go so well with Alex. "She broke up with him?" Summer asks. "I don't know, maybe," Zach shrugs. Summer sends Zach to go find out. Rookie mistake, Summer. Boys rarely get enough detail. I've so had the following conversation: Boy: "So and So broke up." Me: "What? Why?" Boy: "He cheated." Me: "What? When? With whom?" Boy: "Some other girl." Me: "WHEN? How did this happen?" Boy: "I'm not sure."
Zach plops down to Seth and asks how it went. "The good news is, she told Jody to get the hell out, too, so..." Seth trails off sadly. Zach is sorry to hear this. "At least now you can get back to your life, right?" he asks. Seth keeps drawing petulantly. "I don't have a life, remember?" he says, crabbily. Zach suggests, not snidely, that he get one: "Do something for you. Go sailing! Or...continue to doodle." He looks down at Seth's drawing, which is of Alex. "Cohen! This is what you should be doing!" he says. "What? Drawing the women who wronged me as whip-wielding warrior princesses?" Seth asks. Exactly! In his own comic! It is at this point that Summer shows up and hands Seth a coffee: "I got you a double latte, because you looked sad." That is sweet. "Cohen's going to do his own comic!" Zach squeals. Seth sort of brushes this off, but Zach is very -- and adorably -- enthusiastic about it, suggesting that they bounce some ideas around in study hall, right now! "Let's go!" And so they go, leaving Summer alone, but thanking her for the coffee. "You're welcome?" she shrugs as they go.
Over at the Teen Emancipation Arms, Alex and Marissa are hanging out and listening to Interpol. Marissa wonders what happened with Seth, and Alex says they're friends, she hopes: "Someday." But she and Jody are finished for good. If they could turn down the Interpol, that would be great, because the singing on this song is so talky that it's fighting with the dialogue. Anyway, Alex -- pawing through her jewelry box -- explains that Jody hates her now. "That bitch! She stole my necklace," she spits suddenly. "We bought each other these matching heart-shaped necklaces like a year ago and mine's gone. I can't believe her!" Alex further explains that Jody was using the fact that Alex was still wearing said necklace as a sign that Alex wasn't over Jody yet. But Alex totally is over Jody. She just loved that necklace. Marissa looks at her for a long moment. "So, let's go get it," she suggests. "Come on. You can't let her steal your heart." Oy, they did not just go there.
Newport Group. Caleb calls Marissa and, of course, gets the machine because Marissa is out exploring her latent homosexuality. He looks concerned and hangs up, just as Ryan comes into the office. I'm sure this is going to go swimmingly. "It's about Lindsay," Ryan says. Caleb asks him to shut the door, and then asks, "What about her?" Ryan explains that Lindsay's been pumping him for information on Caleb. Ryan, sugar, sweetpea, muffin top, stay out of this. You are not going to help. "And even though I told her, she still wants to get to know you," he adds. Caleb asks if Lindsay sent Ryan there to say all this, and Ryan explains that he came on his own: "I just thought maybe I should...." "Continue to position yourself between me and members of my family?" Caleb finishes for him. "Ryan, if I wanted a relationship with Lindsay, I would have one." Caleb has totally been reading He's Just Not That Into You, nodding and saying things like, "So, I'm not that into her!" Ryan says that's what Lindsay says. "Smart girl," Caleb says. "You have no idea," Ryan tells him. "You should, though," he adds, and turns to go. "How's your relationship with your father, Ryan? He still in jail?" Caleb asks, icily. Oh, burn. "And you would be too, if it weren't for Sandy," Ryan says. Oh, burn. "I guess Lindsay and I are both better off." BUUUURN. With that, Ryan thanks Caleb for his time and storms out.
Sandy is already moving into his fabulously cheap beach front property. I think they've trimmed the Brows, but I also just noticed that his sideburns are alarmingly Dylan McKay-esque. And he's a surfer. And Dylan got admitted to Berkeley. Oh my God, the similarities are alarming. I don't know how I didn't notice this to begin with. I hope this doesn't mean The Nana is going to get blown up in a mob hit that is really a cover for her joining the FBI Witness Protection Program. To bring it all home, Max the Professor comes in at this point, and he is a dead ringer for one Mister Aaron Spelling. Please God, let this mean that Shannen Doherty is going to join the cast as a sexy lesbian who comes between Alex and Marissa. Anyway, there is hugging and exposition galore, as Max explains that he recently left Berkeley and moved to Princeton: "I am retired now." That's fascinating, Max. But what brings you to Newport? Well, he needs Sandy's help. He needs to find....Rebecca. Sandy wonders why. Why now? Why, after all this time? Why, God, why? Why? Max takes a seat and explains that, of course, he's dying. I'm dying right now, too, but in a totally different way. Of boredom. I understand that introducing new plotlines like this is often clunky, but oy. Can we get to the meat of this thing? Thank you! "I just want to be able to see my daughter once again," Max announces. Sandy explains that he hasn't heard from Rebecca "since she ran away to Canada. Twenty-two years ago." ["I'm sure she's fallen in love with a lumberjack and is never coming back." -- Wing Chun] Max says he and Rebecca weren't on speaking terms even before "the accident." But he thought she might have contacted Sandy, since he was "the love of her life." Sandy quietly says that was all a long time ago. "We were kids." Max shrugs that, kids or no, Rebecca loved Sandy: "Now, will you help me find her?" he asks. Sandy promises to see what he can do. Max thanks him and adds that he hates to stir things up when he knows Sandy has a wife and family. Sandy assures him that Kirsten will understand. "WILL SHE?" Max asks. Told you he was Aaron Spelling. And with that we DUM DUM DUM DUUUUUM into the break.
After the ads, Sandy tells Kirsten he's heading to the Lompoc prison to visit an activist he knew while he was at Cal. Kirsten wonders why he needs to talk to some old jailbird, and Sandy explains that he's looking for a "missing person, doing a favor for a friend." Kirsten, no dummy, realizes that he's looking for someone for the professor, and asks him who's missing. "Rebecca," Sandy admits, a bit reluctantly. "As in Rebecca Bloom, Love of Your Life?" Kirsten asks. Sandy, of course, responds that Rebecca is not the love of his life. Kirsten exposits that they were "engaged to be married," and Sandy counter-exposits that they were "engaged to be engaged." Kirsten narrows her eyes. "Until she burned down a [nuc-yoo-lar] lab site," she further exposits. God, the exposition! It's...everywhere! Sandy tells her that they don't know for sure that she did that. "Sandy, she fled the country," Kirsten says. Sandy knows that, but Rebecca's dad is dying, and said dad was his mentor in law school: "I can't say no." Kirsten asks what Sandy's going to do if he finds this Rebecca person. He's going to convince her to turn herself in and let the case go to trial, Sandy tells her. I am so sure she's going to go for that. Kirsten just looks thoughtful. I was going to say that Sandy is a little young to have comrades who ran off to Canada to escape the long arm of the law, but then I remembered that I went to high school with a girl whose parents burned down the B of A in Santa Barbara in a protest. Oh, and then I remembered that I'm almost thirty years old, and Sandy is considerably younger than my parents and therefore a bit too young to have comrades who ran off to Canada escape the long arm of the law.
Now Marissa is the one blasting Interpol. This just in: Interpol turns you into a lesbian. Someone call Focus on the Family! Caleb bangs on her door several times, and finally just opens it. She's doing her makeup. "Looks like someone's feeling better today," he says. "Not really," Marissa brats. Caleb is sorry to hear that, he says, as he comes in and turns down her stereo. He says that he called her yesterday to check up on her and she never answered, and then she wasn't home when he got in. "I was worried," he says. Someone honks outside, and Marissa puts on this hideous be-buttoned blazer and says she has to go. I have to mention that she is wearing a side-ponytail. I want to grab it and pull it toward the opposite ear, until it lines up properly with the back of her head. Caleb asks where she's going. "Out. To the doctor," Marissa lies, and starts to scamper off. Caleb orders her back. "Or what? You're not my father, Cal," Marissa spits. "You know, if you want to parent someone, why don't you go over to Lindsay's house and ruin her life?" She waits a very calculated beat. "Oh, that's right. You already have," she says, and rolls her eyes. "Don't wait up," she calls as she goes. Caleb! Lock her in the dungeon! Seriously. I know you've got one. You're married to Julie Cooper, after all. I imagine it was in the prenup.
In study hall, or somewhere, Seth, Ryan and Zach do some brainstorming for the comic book. "What's it about?" Ryan asks. "Heroes, and you know, villains," Seth stammers. "Good and evil," Zach contributes. "Sure. Darkness...and then you have light," Seth adds. Ryan makes his confused puppy face: "You have no idea, do you?" Seth admits that, indeed, he is clueless, but tells Ryan that he has to admit that it's pretty cool to have your own comic book. Zach enthusiastically suggests that it could be autobiographical. "Yeah, it could," Seth says. "Yeah, the life of, like, a young Jewish boy growing up in Orange County. I like it very much already." Heh, that line was beautifully delivered. I knew you would come back to me, Seth Cohen. You can't stay away. The love we have? It's too strong to fight! Come over here and let me love you. "A young Jewish boy...WITH POWERS," Zach adds. "With a secret!" Seth says. Zach nods. "In a town...FULL OF SECRETS," he says. "Fistfights, fashion shows," Ryan metas. Seth nods. "Sure, exactly -- basically, life in Orange County," he says. "BUT WITH POWERS," Zach reminds them. I am seriously a little in love with him, at least in the role of Friend of Seth and Ryan.
Enter Summer, who has also fallen prey to the insidious side pony, and who appears to be dressed like it's Halloween and she's going as a Heather. "What have you done to my boyfriend?" she asks Seth, and Seth points out that this whole comic book thing was all Zach's idea. "And we just had a major breakthrough!" Zach chirps. Summer groans: "Do you realize how lame you just sounded?" Seth warns her that, if she's not nice, she might not end up in the comic at all. Summer is all, "Shaking in my boots, Cohen." She then tells Zach that she'll meet him out front after school. Zach explains that he's working on the comic after school, but he sure would love to see her: "Perhaps dinner and a movie?" Summer sighs: "Well, I guess. Just not a comic book movie." Seth snorts that everyone knows comic book movies suck. "Dude, you didn't like X2?" Zach asks, and the boys start to bicker again, and Summer has just had it. She gets ready to leave, but tells Seth that if, after the sun goes down, "Brainstorming Boy" doesn't turn back into her boyfriend...you know, hell to pay and whatnot. She doesn't get to finish this thought, though, because all the boys start riffing on the idea of "Brainstorming Boy." Summer just closes her eyes and walks off. Seth is really running with her idea: "At night, he's Brainstorming Man, and what that is, is, he's a GENIUS."
Newport Group. Kirsten is giving Caleb all these Very Important Papers, and he's acting all spacy and distracted. Finally, he tells Kirsten -- who is wearing this very weird ruffled shirt that looks like it used to be a straitjacket of some sort -- that she takes better care of him than he deserves. "What does that mean?" Kirsten asks. "It means I haven't always been the best father," Caleb says, and Kirsten kind of agrees with that. He asks her if she's in touch with Lindsay. "Yeah, are you?" she asks. Caleb huffs that Lindsay never bothers calling him. Kirsten rolls her eyes: "Dad, she's in high school. If you want to hear from Lindsay, you have to call her." She hands over her sister's digits.
Harbor. Lindsay and Ryan walk the halls. She tells him that he was right about Caleb being a big old bad guy. She explains that she did something on the internet that I, an old person, would have called "Googling him," but instead she uses some other word and I really did listen to the line over and over again and I still have no idea what the hell she said. The number "nine" appears to be involved? I don't know. I'm old. You kids stay off my lawn! Anyway, according to the O.C. Weekly, Caleb Nichol is the devil himself. And speaking of the devil, Lindsay's cell phone rings and it is in fact Caleb. "I'm thinking it's time you and I sat down," he tells her.
So Lindsay wanders into class and tells Ryan that she just talked to Caleb and he wants to have dinner with her. Ryan is surprised, and he's even more surprised when Lindsay asks him to come along. Ryan -- and the rest of the world -- doesn't think this is a very good idea. "Please?" Lindsay asks. "I'm not going to go without you." Lindsay, Lindsay. Don't. Bring Kirsten if you need backup, but Ryan is not a good idea. Ryan says as much, and tells her that Caleb is not going to be happy to see him. "Do you really care about Caleb Nichol's happiness?" Lindsay asks, and Ryan, of course, tells her that he cares about her happiness. "And I want to see you tonight," she tells him.
Rilo Kiley sings on the soundtrack as our pretty pretty lesbian princesses drive up the coast in Alex's Jeep. Marissa gestures to Alex's tattoo and asks what the butterfly means. "It's a tribute to my deep and forever love of Mariah Carey," Alex says. Okay, she really just says that it means she was drunk. The girls laugh and laugh because teen drinking is hilarious. Alex explains that she had just been legally emancipated from her parents, "and the words 'Mom' and 'Dad' with a huge X through them was too expensive." Also, ugly and bitter and weird. Marissa thinks that being legal emancipated is totally dreamy. Alex explains that her parents were happy to get her off their hands once they found out that she liked lady parts in the dirty way. Marissa sighs that she's tried to piss her parents off enough to get them to agree to set her free, but hasn't had much luck with that yet. "They must really love you," Alex says. Marissa makes wistful faces and asks Alex if she ever misses her family. Alex claims that she does, sometimes, but that her friends are her family now. Marissa totally gets it! I think she's been legally emancipated from that family, for that matter, since none of her alleged friends seem to have noticed that she hasn't been in school for ages.
Lompoc. Jail. Sandy meets with the first actor I've seen on this show who can go Brow to Brow with him. It's like the Battle of the Network Brows up in here. This heavily browed gentleman, Joe, takes a set and announces that Sandy looks good: "What happened? You sell out?" No, he married a rich girl. And now he's here for some information. Joe indicates that he might tell Sandy what he wants...if Sandy will work up an appeal for him. Sandy points out that Joe confessed. "To an act of civil disobedience," Joe says, "not manslaughter." Sandy rolls The Brows. "You set the place on fire, and a man died," he says. Joe tells him that was an accident: "The custodian wasn't supposed to be there, and you know it." Dude, what show am I watching? Did I sit on the remote? Is this Law & Order all of a sudden? Can someone punch someone again? Anyway, at last we get around to the point: Sandy tells Joe that he's looking for Rebecca. "Sandy Cohen has come to me, looking for Rebecca," Joe smarms, nodding. "Let it go. This isn't about you and me," Sandy says. "When it comes to Rebecca, it's always been about you and me," Joe says. Joe? I don't care. Let's get a move on. We've got lesbianism and comic books to get to. Sandy says that, now, it's about Rebecca's father. He's dying. And he's looking for her. Joe says that Sandy can look "as far and wide as [he wants] to." But he's never going to find Rebecca. BECAUSE SHE'S DEAD.
Back at Casa Cohen, Kirsten is having her first drink of the episode. She waited thirty-five whole minutes. "She's dead? I'm so sorry. I can't believe this," she says sincerely. Neither can Sandy, and he means that he literally doesn't believe it. He says that he's calling "one of the guys in the group," who's a lawyer now in Vancouver, to check on this story. If she's dead, there's got to be proof of some kind, like a death certificate. "So you don't think she's dead," Kirsten says, looking exhausted. Sandy can't believe Rebecca wouldn't contact her dad if she were dying. Maybe she got run over by a bus, dude. It happened in Mean Girls. "Or you," Kirsten says. Sandy just walks out of the room. The camera focuses right in on Kirsten's wine glass, which she sets down very carefully and very deliberately pushes away. I don't know why they just don't put Sandy in a t-shirt that says, "I'm With Boozy," and get it over with.
Alex and Marissa finally get to L.A. It's already dark out, so I think they must have taken the long way. Like via Hawaii. Alex tells Marissa that they're just going to get what they came for, and get out. Marissa comments that Alex seems nervous, but Alex lies that she isn't: "Just don't let her intimidate you. And let me do ALL the talking. And, uh, don't mention anything about the necklace." Marissa wrinkles up her nose. "I thought you were over her," she says. Alex: "I am. I am. And DON'T let her talk me into staying the night." Wow, I've said that about practically every boy I've ever broken up with. Marissa looks alarmed, as well she should in that hideous '80s jacket, and points out that Alex can't spend the night because she has to drive Marissa home. "Good one," Alex chatters nervously. "Remember that." They finally get to Jody's door. She is also playing Interpol. I guess "Evil" is the Lesbian Theme Song, which seems needlessly homophobic to me. (Not really. Please don't email me, angry Interpol fans.) Jody opens the door and smiles when she sees Alex. Her face falls when she notices Marissa. "What is she doing here?" she asks. Alex is speechless, literally. "We came to get Alex's stuff," Marissa jumps in. "And we're not staying." Jody shrugs. "If you say so," she says, and lets them in. Those crazy lesbians.
Casa Cohen. Ryan comes into Seth's room, all dressed for his Disaster Dinner with Caleb. Seth is working on his comic. "Hey, Bryan Gatwood!" Seth greets him. "AKA 'Kid Chino,' the strong but silent youth from the wrong side of the tracks who, when provoked, unleashes his Fists of Fury." See? This is amusing meta. I love anything that involves the phrase "Fists of Fury." Ryan doesn't have a huge response to this. Seth finally gets a load of Ryan's outfit and cracks that maybe they should change his Superhero Name to "Overdressed Lad." Ryan explains that Lindsay asked him to "be the buffer" between her and Caleb. Seth doesn't see how this could be anything approximating a good idea, since "Grandpa hates [Ryan]." Ryan says he told Lindsay that. "At least you show up on his radar," Seth says. "He once asked my mom if I was mildly retarded." I actually laughed aloud at Adam Brody's delivery of that line. It was perfect. Ryan sort of snorts. "Wait until he finds out about your powers," he says, and Seth sadly comments that he doesn't make a very convincing superhero. He shows Ryan his book of drawings, and expresses unhappiness with the way he's turning out. Ryan takes the notebook and tells Seth that he totally has powers. He flips through the book, which is full of these totally amazing comic-book style drawings of Superhero Summer. Seth explains that's just stuff he did in Portland. "The Summer without Summer," he says sadly. It was a Summer Without Summer entirely due to your own actions, sweetie. I have to point that out. Ryan wonders if Zach has seen these. Seth says that he hasn't, and Ryan suggests that it stay that way. "They're really good, though," Ryan adds. Seth thanks him, and tells him not to let Caleb get to him. "Remember, you're Bryan Gatwood, Fists of Fury," he says. This doesn't seem to comfort Ryan a whole lot.
Apartment of Lesbianism. Jody sips a beer and glares at Marissa, who is waiting for Alex. "Sure you don't want a beer?" Jody offers. Because Marissa Doesn't Need to Drink When She's With Alex, she turns it down and reiterates that they have to drive back to Los Angeles tonight. Alex comes barreling out of Jody's bedroom, arms full of stuff: "So far, I have found two t-shirts, a bra, and my fat [Phat?] jeans. What else do you have of mine?" Jody breathes that she's welcome to look all night if she wants. Alex just rolls her eyes and promises Marissa she won't be long. She heads back into the bedroom. "Breakups, huh?" Marissa asks rather saucily. I kind of am into bratty lesbian Marissa. She's got some sass to her. "Get ready, you're ," Jody says, and Marissa insists that she and Alex are not involved. "I'm sure you're not," Jody drawls. Alex comes back into the living room, this time yelling about her motorcycle boots. "Those are mine," Jody says. The girls bicker and Marissa excuses herself to go the bathroom. Instead, she snoops around Jody's bedroom and finds the heart necklaces, ever so carefully hidden away in Jody's jewelry box by her bed. The same place Alex kept hers. How dumb is Alex, dude? I guess the home-schooling isn't going very well.
Marissa comes out to the living room, where Jody tells Alex that she wants Alex to stay: "I want to talk about what's going on here." She tells Marissa to take Alex's car; Jody can bring Alex back later. Alex shoots Marissa a look that says, "Save me!" Marissa shakes her head. "I can't. Do you really think I'm going to leave my girlfriend alone with you overnight?" she says. "I thought she wasn't your girlfriend," Jody says. Marissa tosses her ponytail. "Yeah, well, think again," she perks, rather sassily. Alex looks impressed, and they leave arm in arm.
"Okay, that was awesome!" Alex tells her, once they're outside. "Do you think she bought it?" Marissa says. Alex says that Jody totally thought they were sleeping together when she met Marissa at the club last week. In other words: Marissa pings the gaydar. "She did?" Marissa twitters, as they get in the Jeep. "I defended your honor," Alex assures her. She's so happy to have her stuff back, she sighs. "And who cares if I didn't get...my heart," she says, as Marissa hands it to her. Oh, the symbolism. So powerful. "How did you...?" Alex asks. Marissa smiles that she's "sneaky like that," and hands her the matching necklace. "And now you have both." Alex is amazed. As I am: that is one ugly necklace. "No, this one's yours," Alex says, and drapes it around Marissa's neck. Oh, just make out already, you two. After some staring, Alex says she had better get Marissa home. But Marissa has a better idea.
Seth's bedroom. Zach is looking through Seth's drawings. He thinks they are swell. Well, he calls him "the missing link" between Jack Kirby and Eric White, but I don't know that that means. Soon, Summer comes in, and man, is she peeved. "You were supposed to pick me up over an hour ago!" she tells Zach, whacking him with her bag. Zach is sorry! They were working! Summer announces that she doesn't want to hear it. "What are you guys, like, Kavalier and Gay?" Seth and I both laugh. Come on, that was brilliant. Especially since Kavalier and Gay WERE Kavalier and Gay. "That was funny," Seth tells her. She knows. But they're leaving. As they get ready to go, Summer gets distracted by the drawings, and flips through Seth's notebook, seeing all of her friends and Captain Oats captured in pen. "Where am I?" she asks. Seth explains that she's not done yet. "Just wanted to get the attitude right. There's a lot of attitude," he tells her. Summer just cocks a brow.
The three of them head downstairs. Zach thinks they have made a lot of progress. Seth agrees that this little project has helped keep his mind off girls. "Keep talking comics, Cohen, and I don't think girls will be an issue ever again," Summer snarks, and Seth mock-groans. Summer realizes that she forgot her purse in Seth's room and runs back upstairs.
I think we all know where this is going, don't we? Summer races into the bedroom, and, in her haste, knocks Captain Oats on to the floor. "Sorry, Captain Oats," she says, and bends down to get him. "Hope you don't pull up lame." As she picks him up, she spies Seth's notebook under the bed. She looks mildly guilty, but snatches it anyway, and opens it. When she sees the drawings, she looks sort of thoughtful. But Seth and Zach are yelling for her, and she doesn't have time to really examine the drawings, so she shoves the notebook into her bag and heads out.
Across town -- or wherever -- Caleb and Lindsay are at dinner. And they're getting along very well, really, chatting about school, and Caleb is actually being rather charming and kind and decent, and then Ryan shows up -- claiming that traffic was terrible -- and it all goes to hell. Caleb didn't know he was coming, you see. Lindsay apologizes -- as she should, since the host of the dinner should be made aware of any additional guests, per standard etiquette. "I should have assumed Ryan would have wanted to make himself part of this," Caleb says, and Lindsay explains that she asked Ryan to come. She really, really should have asked Kirsten instead. I get where both Ryan and Lindsay are coming from here, but this is NOT the way to handle someone like Caleb. Ryan should have minded his own business -- I know he was trying to help, but he knows Caleb better than Lindsay does, and therefore he knows that even if she thinks she wants him there, that Caleb is not going to like that and it's going to backfire on her. And Lindsay should have listened when Ryan tried to explain that Caleb doesn't like him. Anyway, Ryan offers to leave. "You've already scammed your way into one of my daughter's lives, why stop there?" Caleb asks. Ryan says this isn't about him. Caleb: "Isn't it? You set this whole thing up. You came to my office, you show up at dinner." And I can see why he thinks this, honestly. Of course, Ryan had the best of intentions, but if you already think he's a grifter, this looks like more of the same. "You went to his office?" Lindsay asks. Ryan sighs that he was just trying to help, which of course he was, but this was not his most brilliant idea, unfortunately. "He said you wanted a relationship with me, but if that were true, he wouldn't be here," Caleb says. "So what is it that the two of you really want? Money?" Lindsay looks shocked. "What?" she asks. "A new car? An Ivy League education? Have your accomplice here drop by my office with a list of demands," Caleb says, tossing a wad of cash on the table. "This should cover it. Good night," he says, and swoops off into the night. Lindsay looks wounded, but frankly I think she handled that whole thing naively at best. Leave Ryan out of your relationship with your father if you know that said father hates Ryan. At least for now.
At Casa Cohen, Sandy is making call after call to his contact in Vancouver, in an attempt to track down the exact deaditude of Rebecca. Kirsten looks tired and asks him if he's planning on staying up all night. Sandy tells her that he's not at all tired, and he's gotten no confirmation that Rebecca is actually truly most sincerely dead. Kirsten wonders what happens if she's not dead: "One way or another, she's gone. What is it going to take for you to let her go?" Sandy is all, "What are you talking about?" Kirsten sighs: "Rebecca Bloom. The smart, political Jewish woman that you were supposed to marry, before you ended up with me. You're still in love with her." Sandy walks right over to her. "That is not true," he tells her. "Then come to bed," Kirsten tells him. The phone rings at this moment, of course, and Sandy answers. He listens. He thinks. He thanks. He hangs up. "She's dead," he says, and then walks past Kirsten and down the hallway. Kirsten stands in the door jamb and looks very alone.
After the ads, Kirsten finds Sandy in the bedroom. "What are you going to do?" she asks. He says he needs to call Max, but that he wants to give him the bad news in person. "I'm sorry. It was a long time ago," Kirsten says, sitting to him. "Maybe I need to let go of her, too." Sandy just says he's going to go, but he promises her that he won't be long. He takes his jacket and leaves. Kirsten sighs.
So, Summer finally gets home from the movie, plops down on her bed, and takes out the purloined notebook. "Princess Sparkle, you are not going to believe this," she tells her horsy, and they look through the book together. Her face gets all tender as she looks at the drawings, which are kind of amazing. My heart would melt, too, and it is generally a lump of cold, cold ice. Oh, Cohen.
Lindsay drives Ryan home, and this is where I would wonder how he got to the restaurant and why he was complaining about the traffic if he needs a ride home, but whatever. I'm tired. You get a pass this time, Schwartz. But don't get too comfortable. Lindsay apologizes for making him come to dinner: "I know how much you hate him." Ryan sighs that he doesn't hate Caleb. "Well, he hates you," she says. Nice of you to sugarcoat it, kid. "So for you to have gone to his office for me was..." she begins. "A mistake," Ryan finishes for her. But Lindsay just says that she didn't really want anything from Caleb. Just to ask some questions: "Stupid stuff. Maybe I don't need a dad. You know, I've gone all this time without one. And I turned out okay, right?" Tears well. Ryan just kisses her, and then offers to talk to Caleb or have Kirsten talk to him. "You've done enough. More than enough," Lindsay says, but not in the bitter "haven't you done enough?" way. "And you said it yourself. He's not a good guy." Ryan considers this. "Yeah, but he's your dad," he says. Is she sure she doesn't need him to intervene again? She's sure. Ryan, we're all sure. Stay out of this mess, sweetpea. He kisses her goodbye and heads into the house.
Marissa's room. She tells Alex, "Let me just change my shirt and then we can get out of here." Alex swears that her shirt is fine. "Why is it sticking to me?" Marissa asks, taking off her shirt. "Am I bleeding?" That bra truly is a miracle on her. Alex takes the bandage off of Marissa's new tattoo and tells her to take a look for herself. Marissa admires her new body art in the mirror, as Caleb storms in. "OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" he asks. He has been having a rough night, man. None of the women in his life is making it any easier. Marissa tells Caleb to get out of her room, but he wisely points out that this is his home. She throws on a jacket and says that they will leave, then. "You're not going anywhere," Caleb tries. "Oh, really? Are you going to stop me?" she asks. There is a moment. "Yeah, that's that I thought. Come on, Alex," she says, and flounces out. Alex smiles sunnily at Caleb. "Nice house," she smarms, and leaves.
Summer comes into Seth's room. "Hey, what are you doing here?" he asks. Adam Brody's speech patterns are weirdly reminiscent of a boy I know, and sometimes it freaks me out how they sound exactly alike. Like, exactly. This is one of those times. Summer tells him that she's returning something she stole. Seth pops his head right under the bed. "Oh. You found it," he says. Summer says nothing, because he launches right into a little speech: "Okay. Here's the thing, I know that it's totally creepy, okay? I know that. It was just a very long summer, and I'm sorry and I will destroy all of them right now, I just need to find my Exact-o knife." Summer stops him, smiling sort of sadly: "Don't. I think they're really good." Although the boobs are a bit big, she thinks. Seth says he can redo the boobs. And she doesn't like the mask either. He shows her his latest version of her, and her mouth sort of falls open, but she gets a grip and sings, "Now that's what I'm talking about," like she isn't totally sort of in love with him all over again. She asks if she can have one of the old ones. "You can have them all if you want," Seth says, but suggests she not tell Zach. Summer says that she was thinking the same thing. "It might upset the partnership," Seth points out. Wow, it IS like Kavalier and Clay. Except without the Nazis. And the magic. Summer and Seth sort of stare at each other for a long moment before Summer says she's going to let Seth get back to work. "I expect my own action figure by Chrismukkah," she perks. Seth says he'll see what he can do. "Thanks, Cohen," she tells him. "Yeah," Seth says. And she goes. They are so getting back together. And if I may drop my recapperly cool for a moment: EEEEE I CAN'T WAIT!
Sandy calls Max from a bar. I guess he's on his way to alcoholism, too. Maybe Promises has a Couples Retreat. Anyway, he tells Max to meet him at the office.
Ryan is playing games in the pool house. Enter Seth. How was dinner? Ryan explains that Caleb took off before they could order. "Because you punched him in the face?" Seth asks. No, Ryan says. Seth: "But you wanted to. I could tell you wanted to. Listen, man. He deserved it, I'm sure. I love the guy, but come on. He's Lex Luthor." Ryan agrees, but also points out that, in trying to help, he totally made everything worse. Aw, sugar. That's okay. You might feel better if you took off that shirt, though. Seth says that this is exactly what heroes do. What, make it worse? That is going to be one sad comic book. "What else are you going to do with Fists of Fury? Homework? Dishes?" he asks. Ryan just wonders how it went with Zach. "Great, until Summer came over and stole my sketch book," Seth explains. Ryan is all, "Do tell me more, kind sir," and Seth says, "I thought she was going to get a restraining order, but it turns out she's just going to get her own action figure." Ryan thinks for a sec. "So she liked it," he says. Seth nods: "I think Summer and I may be taking a step forward in our relationship." Ryan sighs that he and Lindsay are taking a step back: "So between the two of us..." "We're right back where we started," Seth finishes. He notes that at least they haven't lost any ground. "It's you on me," he says, nodding at the TV, and that's when they get to the videogaming. THE VIDEOGAMING. Don't be so dirty.
Sandy's Office. Knock knock! It's Max! Sandy says he's sorry he called so late. Max says he was going to call him, anyway. "I have something to show you," Max says, and that something is Kim Delaney. Who looks...how can I best put this? Bad. Possibly recently exhumed. As recapper Heathen put it to me later on IM, "She's retaining all the water that seeped into her coffin from the soil." She may, in fact, be a zombie. And she appears to be wearing a poncho. All in all: ew. "Sandy Cohen," she says. "Rebecca," Sandy breathes. And we're out!