Sick props to Jessica, who simultaneously saved and cracked up my shit lo these last few weeks. Thanks, Jessica. And props to Wing. And Sars. And all my other peeps kickin' it down in the TWoP-osphere. Holla!
Sorry about that. An hour of strictly white people ought to cure me of this sudden, spontaneous dash of urbanism.
Inside the Cohen kitchen, Ryan "The Great G-" Atwood pours himself some cereal and stands among enough bouquets of roses to cloud our view of the main character, clog the sinuses of any allergy sufferers in a fifty-mile radius, and ensure that the third most popular Outkast song of last year will never, ever, ever leave your head, ever again. He pours his Plot-Develop-I-Os into a large bowl, just in time for "Sideshow" Seth Cohen to enter, note the flowers, and take a big, heaping spoonful of the aforementioned cereal, kicking things off, "Ryan, I had no idea you felt this way." Awwww. We did! But Ryan, eager to keep the Oxford English Dictionary definition of HoYay from growing even more entry longer (for which we thank him, because I still don't know about that word), disavows his feelings for Seth with a cutting, "Don't look at me. They were here when I came in." Just at that moment, Sandy enters the room, looking harried and toting two more bouquets. As he puts them down on the table and thinks about how his wife had better not be allergic to flowers or transparent overcompensation, Seth reminds him, "You do realize Valentine's Day is tomorrow, right?" Well, I hadn't, Seth, but since it would have taken us out of time and space to be even more literal about the purpose of this hour by saying, "You do realize this is the episode that ends with the lesbian kiss sweeps stunt, right?" I guess they could have done worse with the early-episode exposition. Sandy retorts that they'll be "starting a little earlier this year," adding, "Your mother deserves an extra-long holiday." He mentions the fact that her father has been in the hospital, and Seth piles on that Sandy has been "burning the midnight oil," which simultaneously implicates his father in Kirsten's long, slow descent into madness, but in the process at least swaps out Outkast in favor of "Beds Are Burning" for a while, so at least there's that.
Sandy drags the boys out to the car and says there are more flowers to collect, Seth warning him, "There's such a thing as overkill." But it's no use, as Sandy is already out the door, leaving Ryan to wryly comment, "Man, your parents are pretty hardcore about Valentine's Day." Seth hopes merely to "survive this hateful holiday," and the two of them start the walk-and-talk toward the car as Ryan asks, "Still broken up over the Alex breakup?" Seth registers this look that's all, "We used to DATE? I thought I dreamed that" before explaining that his Alex dalliance was "emotional child's play compared to what we're dealing with now." Dodging yet another bullet by not asking, "Well then, I guess that means that you too are feeling the HoYay," Ryan waits patiently for Seth to explain, "Summer's back." Ryan actually deigns to express surprise at this shockingly non-shocking development, Seth telling Ryan that he hadn't expected this to happen, but apparently, "the universe had other plans." Finally, FINALLY reaching the front door of the house -- because apparently those shady contractors from early on in the season built a whole addition and then completely forgot to add back in any spatial logic, those crooks -- Seth vamps on that this is the one-year anniversary of Seth and Summer's "sexualtte--tte." It's been a year since their sexual two-seater sofa? Hot. Hot AND couch-y. Picking up on the bastardized French timbre of their chat, Ryan warns that it had better not become "a mnage a trois," reminding Seth that he'll actually be the rou de troisime (or "wheel of third," an expression that works equally badly in English and in French) on their upcoming trip to San Diego. Seth agrees, carrying an armload of flowers back into the house and saying he doesn't even want to go to San Diego or, in fact, be anywhere near Summer whatsoever. But the universe intercedes. The stupid, stupid universe.
“ Seth editorializes, 'Looks like I'm not the only one at odds with the universe.' An entire morning in the kitchen with Sandy Cohen and not one reference to the word 'shmear'? I think we're ALL feeling a little at odds with the universe. ”
Still? Still we're talking about this? Don't we have some hot, lesbo action to attend to? We haven't even gotten to the kiss yet, and in the real world, they would already have kissed, rented the U-Haul, and hung the flag outside their cute little house in P-Town that they moved into three days later, before settling down to send me some barbed hate mail about how I shouldn't fall back on tired clichs about the domesticity habits of the average free-range lesbian. Sorry about that, guys. Uh, "ladies." But yet Seth rants on, informing Ryan that it would be easier for him to take this trip if he and Summer hadn't so recently made out. Ryan is all, "Guh?" so Seth has to explain what he means by employing the ever-inconvenient truth, clarifying, "Our noses grazed. And it was, like, the most sexually-charged nose graze in the history of nose grazes." Ew. Stop saying "nose graze." Thank you. "It's essentially nose-humping, is what it is." And DEFINITELY stop saying "nose-humping." In fact, any kind of nose-as-sex metaphor is strictly off-limits from now on, before you figure out you have some weird nose-sex fetish, start calling yourself "Pinocchio," and telling lies on purpose so that your nose, well, y'know. Seth finishes off his tirade by asking, "What am I going to do?" Besides having about a thousand Eskimo babies from all of their kind of kissing you've been doing. Ryan counsels: "I'm gonna tell you what you're gonna do." He informs Seth he'll be going to San Diego with Summer and Zach, adding, "and you're gonna keep it in your trousers." Trousers? Was this episode written by my grandmother? Why not just tell him to keep it in his slacks? Doesn't he know that heavy petting gives you consumption?
And Sandy's back, tending to his Garden Of Clichd Romantic Plant Life Delights, asking Ryan (who is wearing a red sweater and completely disappears into the surrounding dcor, the perfect war camouflage should Ryan find himself forced to fight the War of the Roses har har har a little gentle Valentine's Day humor for you there, folks) if he has any plans with Lindsay. Ryan reminds us all that this is the ten-minute period of every episode this season that finds them on "a break," during which time Lindsay is getting to know her father. Seth does the math: "So for Valentine's Day, you're giving Lindsay Grandpa?" Seth asks Sandy to "step in," though what he would be able to do here is a mystery. Sidestepping such potential awkwardness or perhaps a jaunty musical number called "What A Lady Wants (Is Not The Gift Of Her Dying Father)" from his upcoming Valentine's Day musical entitled Seeing Red!, Sandy turns the topic to his own ability to romance the lady he loves, telling us, "I hope I've learned something after twenty years with your dear mother." With which a be-robed Kirsten "The New And Improved Shiksa Quattro" Cohen enters the kitchen, looking tired and mad. Sandy approaches her brandishing a bushel of seasonal allergies without a Claritin to be found, romancing her, "Here's my Valentine." With which Kirsten wordlessly takes the flowers, crams them in the garbage disposal, and exits. Seth editorializes, "Looks like I'm not the only one at odds with the universe." An entire morning in the kitchen with Sandy Cohen and not one reference to the word "shmear"? I think we're ALL feeling a little at odds with the universe.