Casa Cohen. Kirsten is ordering dinner and sucking down a glass of wine. Kirsten Cohen Drinkwatch 2005: One. As each member of her family enters the kitchen, she adds another dish to the order (dumplings! Soup! More dumplings!) until it's truly gargantuan. And now I want Thai food. Thanks. Because they've ordered so much food, Sandy suggests that the boys invite their "female cohorts" for dinner. Ryan explains that Lindsay is with her mom, for "family therapy and then a Truffaut retrospective." Because Lindsay, although screwed up, is an intellectual. I feel like Lindsay and her mother's family therapy isn't truly complete without her absentee father, her reluctant half-sister, her nephew Seth, her adopted nephew-boyfriend Ryan, her other half-sister, that half-sister's ex-boyfriend who is also her stepmother's ex-husband and the father of her stepsister, and said stepsister and stepmother, and Summer, just because I don’t want her to feel left out. "What about Alex?" Sandy wonders. She's not related to Lindsay, Sandy, as far as we know. Oh, you mean for dinner.
Cut to the Bait Shop. Enter Seth, because, instead of calling Alex to ask her to dinner like a normal person, he actually went outside, got in the car, and drove all the way to the Bait Shop to ask her in person, just so that Alex can act all squirrelly and weird and eventually reveal that her ex is in town unexpectedly. And by, "in town" she means "in her office." And, um, technically? Not really an ex? Since it turns out that they haven't actually broken up yet. "I really do want to come have dinner with your family, so maybe we could do it after the ex leaves?" Alex offers. Probably not if you don't pull the trigger and break up with him or her first, kiddo. Seth wonders when the ex is leaving, and Alex hems and haws that she doesn't exactly know: "I didn't know this was going to happen and now it has and now I have to deal with it, and if you could let me figure it out, that would be great." Well, sugar, Seth didn’t know you were still in a relationship, and now he does, and now you both have to deal with that, and if you could have been honest with both him and your "ex," that would probably also be great. Seth interprets this all as meaning, "Stay away while the ex is in town." Alex confirms this, snapping, "Unless you're cool with the three of us hanging out." Dude, why is she so shirty? He just came over to ask her to dinner. And now it turns out that she's been in a relationship this whole time and never got around to mentioning it? That's kind of a red flag. "I'm gonna have to get back to you on that," Seth says, and walks out of Bait Shop, looking all perturbed. As soon as he's gone, a girl comes up to Alex and wraps her arms around her. "I like the new club. Ready to get out of here?" she asks. "In a minute," Alex says. The Ex -- for this woman is she, and, yes, she is a she -- kisses Alex on the cheek. Alex looks conflicted as we head into the credits. That would have been a much better reveal if Josh Schwartz hadn't already spilled the Marissa Is Curious, Pink plotline to the press.
Harbor Private School for Everyone Who Lives In Newport, Except Alex Because She's Rebellious. Seth, Ryan, and Lindsay walk and talk. Well, Ryan and Lindsay walk, while Seth yammers on about Alex's ex, and about exes in general. Seth's primary and neurotic concern is that this ex is "a thug with a heart" -- someone "sensitive, mature, seasoned." Which implies, I guess, that Seth is none of those things, and while I would argue that Seth is sensitive enough, he is certainly neither mature, nor seasoned. Anyway, Ryan is all, "So you're not okay with this?" Seth sighs dramatically. "Not at all, Ryan, not at all," he says, then sweeps off frame. "So, he's spiraling," Lindsay says. Ryan sighs and says that Seth hasn't even begun.
Enter Marissa "Donna Martin" Cooper. Lindsay compliments Marissa's skirt and shoes -- which, for the record, are fairly cute. Lindsay politely neglects to mention Marissa's shirt, which makes Marissa look as though she was ravaged by a feral cat on the way to school. In return, Marissa insincerely compliments Lindsay's backpack. Everyone in earshot -- and even people out of it -- realizes that Marissa isn't really all that into Lindsay's ever-so-quotidian L.L. Bean pack, and the world is therefore relieved when she awkwardly makes her exit, suggesting that they all "hang" that weekend. As she goes, Lindsay metas that "every day, [Marissa] looks like she could be on the cover of a fashion magazine." Dear Writers: Nothing is more tiresome than being told which character I am supposed to find most attractive. Ryan just sort of grunts affirmatively. "Good thing I'm not competitive," Lindsay drawls, before explaining that Ryan hangs out with Marissa, "like, constantly." Ryan's response to this is to suggest that Lindsay and Marissa should "become friends," so that it won't "be weird" when they all "hang out." If Lindsay had any friends, this is where she would run over to them to reenact this conversation, so they could be all, "Oh my God, are you kidding me?" "He wants you to be friends with her?" "She's his EX!" "Seriously, I heard she was an alcoholic." "I hate that bitch." And so forth.
This is the second episode in a row where Kirsten attacks Sandy in the bedroom before work. Not that I'm judging. I mean, good for her. Anyway, this time, she starts massaging him. Sandy announces that she must really need something, and Kirsten insists that it's just "a tiny favor," adding, "It's about work. As you know, the Newport Group's reputation is pretty much in the toilet." Sandy nods that this is a well-deserved trip to the crapper, which Kirsten pretty much ignores. She explains that the board wants them to come up with a plan to improve their image: "I figured, who better to ask than you, the man who practically invented hating the Newport Group?" Sandy admits that he hated the Newport Group way before it was trendy. He's got a good idea, though: they could fund this low-income housing project the city council's been working on. Kirsten is thrilled, and coos that Sandy's earned "more than a massage!" Sandy is, needless to say, pleased by this vote of confidence. "Where I come from," he tells her, "that means only one thing." Wait, I know this one! Bagels?
At school, Summer is doing her French homework. Bonjour, Summer. Zach comes up behind her and covers her eyes. "I have a surprise for you," he says. "I love surprises! Especially when they're named Jimmy Choo," Summer perks. Zach unveils a cupcake and lights a candle on it. "Am I about to get whacked?" she asks. The first time I saw this, I thought she said, "Am I about to get waxed?" I thought that she smelled the candle wax, do you get it? I think my line is a little bit funnier, frankly. At any rate, Summer is very pleased to see the cupcake, as one should be when surprised with a cupcake. "Doesn't have stiletto heels, but I'll eat it anyway," she smiles, although she does mention that it's not her birthday. Zach knows that. It's their six-month anniversary. Neither Summer nor I can believe it's been six months. Zach can't either. He says he's never been in a relationship this long. Neither has Summer. To celebrate, Zach wants to take her to a romantic dinner at The Arches: "What do you say?" But Summer says nothing
Walking with Marissa, Summer explains that she finally told Zach that she was "fasting for an upcoming colonoscopy." Marissa snorts that she's sure that's exactly what poor Zach wanted to hear. "Six months? I did not even date Cohen that long. When did I get so old? When did life get so complicated?" Summer sighs. Marissa makes sympathetic faces, but she's really just thinking that she's so very hungry. This leads, somehow, to the girls waxing tiresomely poetic about Full House, which leads, of course, to a Candace "DJ" Cameron/DJ the Lawnbot joke, all of which leads to Summer suggesting that they have a real girls' night out. "Full House is on Nick at Nite," Marissa says. Oh, girls. I remember the banter about The Golden Girls. This banter worked with The Golden Girls (sorta). And you, Full House, are no The Golden Girls.
Newport Group. Kirsten comes into Julie's office to float the Low-Income Housing idea, and it turns out that Julie has a bright idea of her own. A magazine! Let's call it Newport Living. The mockup of which is about seven feet tall and has a huge photo of Julie herself on the cover. Well, I'm sold. Seriously. The regular columns in that magazine would rock. They would be, like, "Gold-Digging For Fun and Profit," "Cocktail Parties For Fun and Profit," and "Cleavage for Fun and Profit." Kirsten manages not to scream when she sees the mock-up, and instead just says, "Oh my. There's so much you here." Julie explains that the magazine will be about "selling Newport Beach as an aspirational brand." Yes! With the cocktail parties and the cleavage. I'm with you, Julie. Tell me more. Kirsten explains Sandy's idea, which Julie calls "kind of cute." Julie then reminds Kirsten that the people they need to win back are the Newport elite: "Bored, rich gossip-mongers who like to shop. They're me. And I don't care about low-income housing." Kirsten concedes her point.
Lunchtime at Harbor High. Lindsay thanks Ryan for "walking her" and tells him to "have fun at [his] emergency comic book meeting." Ryan sighs that he has the feeling Seth won't be talking about comics. "Are you sure you'll be okay?" he asks, and Lindsay perks that she likes eating alone. Sweetie, no one likes eating alone in high school. Here's a suggestion: boyfriends are great, but a girl needs girl friends. Who else can you talk to about your boyfriend? Ryan suggests that Lindsay go eat with Marissa and Summer, who are just sitting down with In N Out. I would hope that, had they seen her eating alone, they would have invited her to sit with them anyway, but I guess we'll never know. Of course, I also think Lindsay needs friends who hate Marissa. You need friends who can, on a dime, promptly hate every woman that your boyfriend has ever liked, even if you actually like the girl yourself. You always need someone to whom you can snort, "She's a skank," even if the girl in question has just taken the veil, should the need arise. Of course, it is to be hoped that you are secure enough not to denigrate the other girls in your boyfriend's past, but we all have weak moments of cattiness and you need someone willing to sink into the mire with you and then pretend that you would never say those sorts of things about another girl, later, when you're over it. Anyway, Ryan tells Lindsay that the sooner she gets to know Marissa, the sooner Marissa will stop being Ryan's ex, and start being Marissa's friend. Why do Lindsay and Marissa even have to be friends? Other than for purposes of the plot, of course. So, anyway, poor Lindsay sits down with Marissa and Summer.
Ryan scampers, and Marissa "eats" her cheeseburger and coos about how good it is, so that all the girls in the audience learn from the character who allegedly had an eating disorder that it's important to eat things. Lindsay comments that it will probably take hours on the elliptical trainer to work off those burgers, and Summer snorts that Marissa never exercises. Cue further blah blah blah about how Summer and Marissa eat and eat and eat and eat and never work out. Which is really just as unrealistic an example to be setting. I get that they’re setting it up so that Lindsay feels inferior to these girls, but nothing is worse than very slender actresses talking about how they eat whatever they like and they never work out. That's rarely true, and it makes young girls feel like there's something wrong with them if they can't maintain a weight of 103 pounds on a constant diet of burgers. Lindsay tells the girls that she's eating a Zone meal: "It's low-carb." Actually, the Zone diet is pretty balanced. I think it's either twenty or thirty percent carbs, which isn't super-crazy. And this concludes the Jessica Waxes Poetic About Diets portion of the recap. Finally, the girls stop talking about their lunches, and Marissa explains that they were just planning a Girls' Night Out: "Want to join us?" Lindsay blinks: "Me? Okay. Sure."
Comic book club. "So, break it down for me, guys, and don't be afraid to be honest," Seth says. One of the guys affects a hilariously "masculine" voice and explains that Seth should have said, "'Take all the space you need, I know this must be hard.' Boom, you're a hero!" Seth turns to Dork Two, who agrees: this would make him sound confident, but like he still cares. "That is so the way I should have played it," Seth groans. "When do we discuss the new Avengers?" asks a kid I think we've seen before. "Okay, Philip? Your membership has been revoked. You're not there for me, I'm not there for you. Now beat it," Seth snaps. Zach steps in immediately to do damage control and explain that Seth doesn't mean this. He's just upset. Seth turns to Dorks One and Two. "I don't care that you're still in junior high. I think you're on to something," he says. "I like it! You know what, I'm giving her a call, telling her I'm giving her some space," he finishes, getting up to go do this. Zach is in hot pursuit, attempting to prevent Seth from committing relationship suicide. Just let him hang himself, Zach. You won't always be there to prevent Seth from making as ass of himself around a girl.
Ryan, I guess en route to the meeting, runs into Seth coming out of the building, already mid-dial. "He's calling her," Zach yells, coming out of the building. "What? No!" Ryan says, and actually goes and wrestles the phone out of Seth's hands. These boys are such girls. Seth announces that he's going to go down to the Bait Shop, shrieking, "If I'm going to lose her, I want to see the guy I'm going to lose her to!" Ryan, wisely, thinks this is a very bad plan. Seth explains he's just going down to pick up his paycheck: "She owes me thirty-eight dollars. I have to go down there. How am I supposed to live without that money? A man's got to eat!" Ryan suggests that he go and scope out the situation and report back to Seth. Seth agrees to this plan, just as Zach comes running up, and whispers that Seth has got to talk to Philip: "He took that really hard." Seth hisses that Philip has always been "the weak one," but he does apologize -- kind of patronizingly -- to Philip. "Sometimes Bruce Banner turns into the Hulk," he adds. I am so using that from now on.
Cohen house. There is a pile of mail on top of the enormous Julie Cooper magazine mock-up. I can think of no reason for Kirsten to have hauled that home, but whatever. Kirsten is working on something, and appears to be drinking coffee. I will give her the benefit of the doubt and assume her coffee is not Irish. Sandy comes in, talking about a conversation he had with the guys at the housing office. "They are on Cloud Nine over there," he says, coming around the island as Kirsten tops off her coffee cup. Sandy picks up the mail, and blinks. "Honey, I don’t want to alarm you, but there is a giant Julie Cooper on the table," he says. Kirsten explains that it's Julie's contribution to Image Makeoverpalooza. "I assume you nipped this one in the bud," Sandy says, but Kirsten sighs that the proposal actually wasn't that bad: "There are a lot of ideas on the table, Sandy." Sandy just asks that, when she shoots down Julie's, "be sure to toss this, will you? It's giving [him] the willies."
Ryan. Bait Shop. Check? Lesbians!
After the ads, we come in on Ryan lying to Seth that he didn't see anything at the club resembling an ex, despite the fact that we learned last week that Ryan is a phenomenally bad liar. He stressed that he definitely didn't see any guys. Seth actually asks Ryan to reenact everything that happened at the club, and Ryan looks steadily horrified until Zach comes in and saves him from Seth, who was probably about five minutes away from taking out hand puppets to aid with Ryan's story. Ryan runs right over to Zach and shakes his hand, hard. "How are ya? HOW ARE YOU?" he asks, intensely, giving him the "sweet Jesus, save ME" look. "I'm good," Zach sings, until he sees Ryan's look of desperation and Seth's look of self-centered despair and corrects himself and says that he's TERRIBLE. And things aren't that good for him, for reals: Summer bailed on their anniversary date in favor of some Girls' Night thing at the Bait Shop, and she's also not returning his calls: "Maybe some new comics will ease the pain." I like him, I'm sorry. They need this role -- Luke used to fill it, somewhat more interestingly -- or the Ryan/Seth stuff just gets too repetitive. I do, however, think it might be more interesting if Zach were Seth and Ryan's friend without being Summer's boyfriend. Does everyone have to be hooked up? I know that real life is often that incestuous, but the show might be more interesting if people got set loose. Anyway, Seth feels that pain. "Maybe we should go down to the Bait Shop tonight and give the girls a talking-to," he suggests. Yeah, because girls love that, and it's not at all creepy and stalkery and off-putting. Ryan desperately suggests that they do a Guys' Night Out instead. "I like my plan, where we go to the Bair Shop," Seth whines. I liked it when you weren't such a pain in the ass. Oh, God, did I really say that? Seth, baby, I'm sorry. I hate it when we fight. But you've got to work with me, here. You're making it very hard for me to love you. And that's all I want to do, baby. I just want to love you. Ryan wisely points out that they spend every night with the girls: "Let's try one night without them." Zach sighs that it could be fun. "Could be just what I need," Seth nods. "A reinvestment in my manhood. Time to reflect on what it means to be a man!" I swear. This boy. He gets some ass, and he immediately loses his mind. Ryan is all, "Seth," like, "Chill out, dude." Seth is all, "Yeah," like, "Yeah, I know. I nailed Alex and went out of my mind."
The Cohens' front door. Caleb. Sanford. El Nichol is there to have a chat with Sandy and Kirsten about Julie's "ungodly magazine idea." Sandy sighs that he has an eighty-foot mockup of said magazine in his kitchen: "It’s going to haunt me in my sleep." Caleb says that Julie will embarrass everyone if she launches this magazine. "So, how are you gonna break it to her?" Sandy wonders. "The woman is a warrior, Sanford," Caleb says. "I'm not facing her alone." He thinks they need to tell Julie, as a united front, that the magazine is a terrible idea. Sandy cocks The Brows. "How about that? I actually agree with you," he says. "Dude, I think this is a terrible idea," The Brows say. "Have you met Julie Cooper? She will cut you!"
That evening, Ryan gives Lindsay a lift to Marissa's. He tells her to relax, because she's going to have fun. Lindsay rolls her eyes, and says that not only does she get to spend the night with Marissa, she also has to see her dad, who barely acknowledges her. Ryan tells her that he checked, and that Caleb is going to be out at dinner. Lindsay looks a little sad about this. "So, when did you guys meet?" Lindsay asks, changing the subject. "When did you [and Marissa] start going out in the first place?" Ryan makes a subtle "can we please not do this" face, but obliges and tells her the entire Standing Outside, Pretending To Smoke -Door Neighbor thing. This is all tweely reflected in flashback in the windshield of the SUV, and I don't know if that is lame or cool. "I don't know. We just connected. Like nobody I'd ever met before," he concludes. That is so what the new girlfriend wants to hear! "Until you," Ryan covers. "Right," Lindsay says.
Marissa opens the front door as they pull up. "Have fun," Ryan calls. I don't know how Lindsay refrains from saying, "Thanks, DAD." I must add that Marissa is wearing a deep green tunic over jeans, and while I often think her wardrobe is fugly, this ensemble is quite beautiful, and she looks lovely in it. Ryan tells Marissa to take care of Lindsay for him, and Lindsay finally turns to him and says, "Okay, Ryan? I'm not eight." Marissa looks pained. "I promise I'll take care of her, Dad," she says. "Or I'll try, anyway." Ryan makes an uncomfortable face, and drives off. I have to say, while I don't cut Marissa much slack, if she does in fact still have feelings for Ryan -- which is implied in the scene -- then it must be very difficult to be forced by him to be friendly with his new girlfriend.
Lindsay and Marissa head into Marissa's room. Lindsay tells her not to feel like she has to "babysit," but Marissa shrugs that it's just Ryan: "He gets very protective. You'll see." The girls both look uncomfortable as Marissa takes a seat at her seriously fabulous mirrored dressing table, which I need to have for my bedroom immediately. "So, this is where you live," Lindsay starts awkwardly, sitting on the bed. "I mean, of course it is. I mean, it's really nice," Lindsay adds. Marissa thanks her, and then they sit in silence. Which is a little hard for me to believe. I mean, Marissa is on the social committee, so surely she knows how to make small talk. At the very least, can't they talk about homework? Or something stupid that someone did at school? Harbor gossip? The Valley? Instead, Marissa wonders if Lindsay could use "an icebreaker," and takes a silver flask out of her dressing table. Lindsay says she doesn't really...and Marissa says it's totally cool if she...and Lindsay doesn't judge....and, awkward. Lindsay, just have some booze. It makes difficult social situations easier. Look at my family Christmases! Soon, they are saved by the bell, which rings downstairs. Marissa heads down to grab the door. While she's gone, Lindsay looks around and notices that Marissa has picture after picture after framed picture of herself and Ryan, all over her room. See? She's still into him. "What am I doing here?" Lindsay whispers to herself.
Cohens'. Seth comes out and tells Zach that it's "oh seven hundred hours. Let the record show that Guys' Night Out has official begun!" Zach wisely points out that "oh seven hundred hours" is seven in the morning. "Okay, nobody cares that you were in ROTC," Seth says. He continues, and says that tonight? Newport? Is their bitch! "So let's go out there and do what guys do!" he finishes. Ryan comes in and grunts a "yeah!" Seth turns to him. "Ryan, what do guys do?" Across the country, people's parents look at each other and say, "Oh, is this that Homoeroticism, Yay! Thing that the kids are always talking about." Ryan's suggestions of Things That Guys Do include: Los Angeles club, road trip to Vegas, Tijuana. Seth reminds him that the last time they went to TJ, it didn't really go that well. It is my great tragedy that I never saw that episode. I think it is the only episode of this show I never ended up seeing. Thank God my officemate Grant reenacted it for me the morning, complete with carrying the pillow from our futon out of the hallway like he was Ryan and the pillow was Marissa. "You want to stay home and play videogames, don't you?" Ryan finally asks. "So bad," Seth admits. Zach pipes up that "this Summer thing" has got him tied in knots. Ryan really, really thinks they need to get out of the house. But Seth wants to stay in. "Guys' Night In," Ryan repeats, the way some people would say "cockroach infestation."
Bait Shop. Triumvirate of Female Awkwardness. Lindsay wonders what happens now. Summer wants to walk around the bar and see if anyone checks them out, but Marissa reminds her that there are no boys allowed tonight. Or, for her, maybe EVER AGAIN. They sit in silence some more. I can't believe they don't have anything to gossip about. Summer points out that if they don't have boys to talk about, they have nothing. What about clothes? How about school? What about the current paralysis plot on Passions? Lindsay immediately suggests that they get drunk, and Marissa takes out her flask. She rolls her eyes at Summer, like, "Don't give me shit about this," and takes a big gulp. Lindsay takes a huge swig, and starts coughing. Marissa races off to get Lindsay some lime and tonic.
Over at the bar, Lesbian Girlfriend Jody and Alex are arguing about Alex calling Seth. So if Jody knows about Seth, WHY IS JODY STILL IN TOWN? If I were Jody, I would have screamed at Alex about cheating on me -- which she was, if she took up with Seth before breaking it off with Jody -- and then pushed her down the stairs before burning down the club. I mean, if I were on a nighttime soap. Not in real life. I have not yet been pushed to arson. Although I have not yet been wronged by a person who owned anything to burn down. Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes. Alex points out that she didn't have a chance to warn Seth about Jody, and Jody is all, "Are you EMBARASSED TO BE A BIG OLD LESBIAN LADY LOVER?" -- you know, basically -- and this is when Marissa chimes in that she's sorry to interrupt, but that she's got to enable some underage drinking, so if she could get some limes, that would be GREAT. Oh, wait, she just says that there are no paper towels in the girl's bathroom. That is NOT going to sop up Lindsay's booze. Other than, of course, after it comes up again. Alex says she's all over it, and comes around the bar. She quietly thanks Marissa for saving her from a conversation she didn't want to have: "I know all about those. I have them with my mom all the time." Marissa, you are going to be having even more of them if Julie finds out you are into ladies.
Casa Cohen. Seth and Zach are sharing girlish sob stories as poor Ryan attempts to balance the remote control on his nose. "And she just never gets around to telling me?" Seth squeals. Zach knows! He just wanted to celebrate their six-month anniversary! Sweetpea, if Summer doesn’t want to let you take her out for a romantic fancy dinner, I venture that she might not be that into you. "This is SO NOT how I imagined our Guys' Night Out," Ryan groans on the sofa. Seth announces that he wants to go down to the club and put up a fight. Ryan refuses. But Zach gets all excited, and points out that their girlfriends are out drinking, at a club: "Have you seen the infomercials for Girls Gone Wild? This is how they begin!" This sells Seth. He's going. And no one can stop him! Ryan leaps off the sofa to try, anyway: "Seth. I'm telling you as a friend. Don't do this." Seth narrows his eyes and says that he thinks Ryan knows something he's not telling him. Ryan: "No. I don't. I don't know anything, don't ask me." Seth then announces that he is "a man in the desert, [he's] dying of thirst, and [Ryan] has a thermos full of Kool-Aid." He wants to know if Ryan met the ex! Once and for all! And Ryan finally cracks. "Well, who is he?" Seth asks. "HE'S A SHE," Ryan says. Seth: "What?"
Over at the Bait Shop, The Thrills are singing. I love The Thrills. And Lindsay is drinking. I love drinking. Marissa tops everyone off, but Summer thinks it's time to try to sober up, so she goes off to track down some coffee. Lindsay slurs that Marissa isn't scary anymore, but Marissa assures her that Lindsay had nothing to worry about to begin with: "Ryan really likes you." Lindsay drunkenly wonders if a boy can ever get over a girl like Marissa. I dunno. I kinda think all the alcoholism might get tiresome after a certain point.
Over at the bar, Summer runs into a kid from her Comp Lit class. His name is Matt Miller, and, man, does he seem gay to me. He asks her where Zach is, and explains that he knows him from the water polo team. "Happy anniversary," he adds. Summer can't believe he knows it's her anniversary -- and are the writers currently obsessed with anniversaries, or what? I almost wonder if they originally planned to have this plotline in last week's episode, but then decided it was Too Many Anniversaries for one hour -- and Matt tells her that Zach mentioned it in the locker room: "Six months is big! We were all talking about it." Summer snarks that Zach is turning the locker room into a Lifetime movie. I hope he's turning it into Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?. Matt informs her that the water polo team is "very sensitive." Then he suggests they head up to the balcony, in order to see the band better. Summer agrees.
The boys drive. Ryan tries desperately to convince Seth that this isn't a big deal, this whole "lesbian" thing. Seth shoots him a dirty look: "Ryan. My girlfriend dated a girl. It's a very big deal." Since when is she even your official girlfriend? I thought you guys were just hooking up. "There's only one thing I can do to make it okay," Seth says. "You're gonna hook up with a guy?" Zach asks. A certain subset of the viewing public loses consciousness because all the blood rushes out of their brains. Seth rolls his eyes, and says that he meant he needs to see the girl because his imagination is running wild. Zach nods appreciatively. "Dude, so is mine. She's hot, right?" he asks Ryan. Ryan so doesn’t want to be having this conversation. Seth blurts that he knows this is supposed to turn him on, from his extensive reading of Maxim and Stuff. But really, he just feels even more that Alex is out of his league. Dude? She is. Not in the sense that, like, she's better than him, or something, but in the sense that the two of them aren't even playing the same sport. Ryan asks him to calm down and wait it out. But Seth makes some noises about how his testosterone is pumping and testosterone is exactly what Alex's relationship is missing, and then he gets all road-ragey. "This should go well," Ryan deadpans.
Dinner with Julie and Caleb and Sandy and Kirsten. Kirsten Cohen Drinkwatch 2005: two. Julie is telling the table that she thinks her magazine could absolutely go national: "Why wouldn't America be fascinated with the lives and loves of Orange County's rich and fabulous?" Maybe because they've choked on all the meta? LET THE META GO, SCHWARTZ. Blah blah meta blah blah blah. I'm so tired of the constant self-referential comments on this show. It's cute once in a while, but every episode is too much. Julie actually uses the phrase "cultural phenomenon," like, don't tear your rotator cuff patting yourself on the back, kids. Caleb wants to hear what Sandy and Kirsten have to say about Newport Living. Sandy thinks it's a lousy idea. Julie points out that Kirsten wasn't nearly so negative at the office, and Kirsten finally stammers that "this has promise." She then apologizes to Sandy that "it had to come out this way." Well, it wouldn't have had to come out that way if you'd told him that you thought the idea was promising, you know, in the car on the way over there, or at home before you left. Sandy snorts that he's just sorry that he ended up "caught in this game of Hungry Hungry Hippos," and he's out! Literally. He leaves. Everyone glares at each other.
The boys finally arrive at the Bait Shop. They agree to split up to look for the girls, although Ryan is still protesting this incredibly self-destructive plan. Seth finds Alex working the bar, and opens with: "So, where is she? Because I will totally fight a girl." Hot, Cohen. Alex snaps that she has a job to do. "If you came down for some big dramatic confrontation, it'll have to wait," she tells him. "Fine! I WILL WAIT," Seth yelps.
Elsewhere, Summer complains to Matt that her relationship with Zach makes her feel really claustrophobic. Matt shrugs that maybe she doesn't want a boyfriend. "If he's not right for me, than nobody is," Summer says. Ah, Summer, that's not what he said. He said that maybe you don't want a boyfriend, period. Not that maybe you don't want Zach as a boyfriend. Here's a thought: maybe no one is right for you right now, because you need to get over the Cohen thing. It's called "choosing youself" and it worked for Kelly Taylor. Look into it.
This is the moment that Zach makes his big entrance, of course. Summer races over to him, and he asks what the hell she's doing with Matt Miller: "That guy will hit on anything that moves." Including, I suspect, Zach and other members of the water polo team. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Summer knows that, she says, and they get bickery, and finally she asks what he's doing at her Girls' Night out. "I don't know. BAD IDEA," he yells, like it's all her fault, when, in reality, it WAS a bad idea and yet he DID IT ANYWAY.
Ryan finds the current and former girlfriends drunkenly sitting in the lounge. Well, Lindsay is wasted. Marissa seems fine, although she's surely had plenty to drink. She also looks terribly guilty when Lindsay sings that her "numb is tongue." Ah, for me, it's the teeth that go numb. Different strokes. She then chortles that she needs some fresh air. Ryan shoots Marissa a vaguely dirty look, and tells Lindsay that he thinks that is a good idea. He escorts her outside.
Kirsten Cohen Drinkwatch 2005: three, at least. Caleb comes back into the almost empty restaurant and tells his drinking daughter that he just put an angry Julie in a cab. Apparently, she's mad at him for not sufficiently supporting her idea. Kirsten nods and tells him that marriage is all about supporting your partner, no matter what: "Which is why I'm going to support Sandy at the board meeting." Caleb nods: "Putting the marriage ahead of the company. Bold move." Kirsten ignores this and gently tells him to support Julie: "You won't regret it. You know, you're not as stubborn as everybody thinks you are." Caleb sort of smiles and tells her that's just the wine talking. Caleb? WE KNOW. Seriously, can we just get her falling-down drunk and get this over with already?
Speaking of falling-down drunk, Lindsay and Ryan are taking a little stroll on the beach. She drunkenly enthuses that she totally wants to go swimming, and he firmly but kindly opines that this is perhaps not the best idea ever. She then falls over. Ryan chuckles kindly -- having a soft spot for the lushes, you know --and asks how much she drank. "I don't know. As much as Marissa?" she slurs. Ryan, a bit tightly: "That's a lot." Lindsay slurps that she's "on a liquid diet," and Ryan finally tells her to hang on. He's going to get her some greasy fries and a lot of coffee, "the Dawn Atwood special." Lindsay slurs that this sounds great and then he TAKES OFF AND LEAVES HER THERE. Who leaves A DRUNK GIRL ALONE ON THE BEACH AT NIGHT? Even if she didn't just announce that she wanted to go swimming, that's an invitation to get lost, or mugged, or worse. And yet, it must happen! We must serve the promo department!
Bait Shop. Seth pounds on Alex's office door. Dude, leave her alone. Now I want to break up with him. She tears the door open with a glare. "Are you trying to wait me out? Because it's not working," he says." Yeah, it is. That's why you're not waiting," she snaps. Seth is acting like he's about twelve years old, and while his immaturity can be charming, if he's your boyfriend? It can also be hella tiresome. Finally, Alex invites him to come in and tell her everything she's done to wrong him. Seth: "For one thing, you lied to me." Alex tells him that she didn't. She just sort of omitted information. Seth tells her that he feels like this is part of her "move": "You've got this too cool JEM and the Holograms thing going on and I feel like your consistently blowing me off is part of your act." Ah, yes, JEM. JEM is her naaaaaame! "So now you think it's an act?" Alex asks. Seth spits that he thinks it's a "crutch. With the hair and the tattoos and the whiskey and cigarettes for breakfast." And then he makes this very strange and neither timely nor funny The Banger Sisters reference, like is The Banger Sisters a big movie for the hipsters and I didn't get the memo? Anyway, Seth is all, "It was really fun for a while, but it's just not working, so see ya." In all fairness, Alex totally should have broken up with her ex before starting up with Seth, but Seth has also acted like a complete infant throughout this relationship. Alex asks what he's going to do. "I don't know. Maybe I’ll find a new girl to walk all over me," he passive-aggressives. Hey, dude, I can TOTALLY do that, if you like. "Or maybe, be cool to me," he brats. Oh, whatever. These boys who complain all the time that they keep dating girls who are too complicated or too mean to them or whatever also seek out those very sort of girls ON PURPOSE -- if subconsciously -- because they're not ready to have a real relationship. I can't work up a lot of pity for them. Alex just sighs.
Ryan comes back to the sand and there is no Lindsay to be seen! Just a lone, sad, I Want To Be Just Like Marissa pointy flat, floating sadly on the surf. He calls Lindsay's name. Nothing. He calls and calls for her. Nothing. Just her sad little handbag sitting there, silently. And so Ryan strips off his coat and he dives into the ocean! There's ever so much flailing around in the water and screaming and if only they had the balls to actually kill someone on this show, but the sad truth is that this act-out, my dears, is a totally lame cop-out....
....because when we get back from the ads, Ryan's still all failing and screaming, and Seth sees him and runs down there to the beach and yells, "Ryan? What are you doing?" and Ryan explains that Lindsay has drowned, and Seth makes this face and then yells back, "Lindsay's FINE! I just saw her! She's FINE! She's passed out in Alex's office." So...hold the phone. Lindsay was up there the entire time Seth was breaking up with Alex? How is that possible? How did she have time to take off her shoes, and her sweater and leave her purse and walk back to the Bait Shop and find Alex's office and lie down and pass out? That's bullshit. Ryan looks both annoyed and very wet.
Ryan and Seth storm into the office, where Marissa is tucking Lindsay in. Alex explains that she's sleeping it off, but Ryan thinks he should get her home. "I can do that," Marissa says. "I think you've done enough," Ryan spits. Marissa stands and asks if this is the part of the conversation where he blames her for everything and Ryan says that, yeah, this time it actually is: "Feel good to see someone else messed up for a change?" Marissa explains that the whole getting-drunk thing was totally Lindsay's idea: "And, okay, so it got a little out of control." "It always does with you! You spent all last year trying to drag me down with you!" Ryan yells. "And now her?" Marissa flinches. Everyone else is all, "Duuuuude." But Ryan isn't done yet. "You want to make a mess out of your own life? FINE. You're doing a pretty good job of it, if you ask me," he snaps. "No one asked you," Alex pipes up. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Ryan barks at her. Punch her! Punch her! Seth quickly suggests that they get out of there, but Ryan says he isn't leaving Lindsay. Alex finally says she'll take care of the wee drunkard. "You go," she says, firmly. Seth finally manages to talk Ryan into leaving. Marissa looks like she's trying not to cry. "Just call and let us know that she's okay," Seth says quietly, as they go.
Across town, Summer shows up at some coffee shop and orders a milkshake. As she waits for her drink, she notices Zach sitting alone with his own milkshake, and she goes over and joins him. "So, I'm sorry for being UltraBitch2000 tonight," she says. Wow, Microsoft Spellchecker doesn’t ding "UltraBitch2000." Guess Bill Gates has a bad breakup in his past. "'Tonight'?" he asks. "Fair enough," Summer admits, and then confesses that her entire dating experience amounts to "a six month angst-fest with Cuckoo For Cohen." So when she's with a normal boy, she says, it's like she was "raised by wolves." He wonders if maybe she needs the drama. Summer stretches the metaphor beyond all comprehension: "Do you mean, do I miss the wolves? No. Because, see, wolves? They pee all over the place, marking their territory. Gross. But, while I am learning how to not howl at the moon, I need to take baby steps. Like this anniversary thing?" Zach smiles and tells her that he gets it. He promises that if they're still together at the one-year mark, he will TOTALLY blow it off. That is so romantic! Then they share a milkshake. Ice cream does equal love.
Seth. Ryan. Pool house. They get word that Lindsay is home safely. Seth sighs that he totally screwed things up with Alex. Ryan nods. "I don't think me and Marissa will be hanging out any time soon," he says. "I was really too hard on her, huh?" Seth admits that there were flashes of "the old Ryan Atwood." Ryan looks sad. "It just brings up old issues," he says. "Marissa. My mom." Seth nicely offers that he doesn't think Ryan needs to lump Lindsay into that category: "She's just trying to let loose." Ryan wonders if Marissa pressured Lindsay into drinking. "I think if Lindsay felt any pressure, it was probably coming from you," Seth offers gently. He adds that forcing the girlfriend and the ex to be friends probably goes against nature. And he knows that he should apologize to Alex, too. "It's just my pride," he says. "What pride?" Ryan asks. "Yeah, I guess there's nothing standing in my way," Seth admits. So they get up to go eat some crow.
Inside Casa Cohen proper, Sandy drinks a beer and watches an old movie. Enter Kirsten. She takes a seat on the sofa and tells him that he has every right to be angry with her for backing Julie at dinner. Sandy tells her he's not angry at all. Caleb's been grooming him to be his henchman, and he's been letting him, he says. And he knows now that he needs to figure out what to do with his life . Kirsten says she plans to recommend the housing project to the board. Sandy would rather she didn't. "Julie's magazine is always going to give me the heebie jeebies, but business-wise, it's always going to be your best bet," he tells her, because Sandy Cohen comes from the Bizarro World where magazines are good investments and huge money makers. "Besides, if I work with you, your father will ambush us every time we have a date," he adds, and Kirsten laughs that it was their worst date ever. Worse than the time they ended up at the key party and came home to find out that Hailey had a huge party in their house? Okay, if you say so.
Seth and Ryan arrive at Teen Emancipation Apartment. They knock. Alex answers. "It's like you're stalking me," she drawls. And not in a sarcastic way that would indicate her secret pleasure about the stalking. Seth tells her he came to apologize. "So did I," Ryan says. Alex tells them Marissa is inside and lets Ryan in. Why didn't Marissa go home? For that matter, how did Summer get to the coffee shop? Who is driving whom where? Oh, whatever. My head hurts enough from recapping Desperate Housewives. "So is Jody," Alex tells Seth, and steps outside.
Marissa and Ryan stare at each other. Marissa looks sulky. "Look, I don't know," Ryan begins. "I....I...I guess I was hoping this could be easy. For you and me to stay friends. For you and Lindsay to be friends." "And have us all live happily ever after?" Marissa asks sarcastically. "Yeah, something like that," Ryan admits. Marissa reminds him that it really hasn't been that long since they dated, and maybe he's over it, but she's kinda not: "Maybe it doesn't mean anything to you anymore. Maybe it never did. But it meant a lot to me. You meant a lot to me. Still do." There is much staring at each other. "It's not like that. I don't know what it's like," Ryan finally admits, and then confesses that it was probably a bad idea for him to think that she and Lindsay should or could be friends. "Why? I like her," Marissa says. "And if you do the math, she's my stepsister, so...." They stare at each other some more, and Marissa finally tells him that it's going to be weird between them for a while. "I know, you're right," Ryan says. "I'm sorry. That's what I came here to say." Marissa blinks sadly. "I'm sorry, too," she tells him. And he leaves. Nicely done scene, on both their parts.
Outside, Alex and Seth finally put a bullet in the head of their relationship. She tells him that she doesn't think she's getting back with Jody, because Jody is a pain in the ass. But this has just screwed her and Seth up beyond repair. Seth tells her that he's willing to wait, because that's what adults do: "So I’ll wait. Adult-style." I would point out that adults don't generally chase their partners around like lunatics, screaming about punching girls and giving space and banging on office doors, but -- and kids, I hate to burst your bubble -- that's not strictly true. Anyway, Ryan comes out, and tells Seth they should go. Alex tells Seth she's sorry, and kisses him chastely on the cheek. Seth shoots Ryan the old "hey, I tried" brows, and Ryan pats him on the back and they leave.
Inside Teen Emancipation Arms, Marissa is watching the same old horror movie that was on at the Cohens'. "Jody went to sleep," she says, when Alex comes in. So why are you still there, princess? Alex sighs that she thinks they've seen the last of the boys. Marissa says she wouldn't be so sure of that. Alex takes a seat and says she's had enough of girls and boys. "Are you cold?" she asks Marissa, who is. Alex reaches over Marissa's body and covers them both with a blanket, and there's all this Subtle Lesbian Glancing between the two of them. I actually think they both might be more interesting as lesbians, frankly. SO BRING ON THE LESBIANISM.