Cohen Household. Morning. The birds sing. The flowers bloom. Blah blah blah. Ryan pours a bowl of corn flakes. Did he use that bowl to cut his hair? Because he's working some new bangs and they're not really doing it for me. Maybe if he took off his shirt I would feel better. The phone rings just as he's digging into his breakfast, and he takes a big old bite before answering. It's Seth on the other end, all whispering. Seth? Sweetpea? Your parents can't hear you through the line. That's the magic of the phone, really. Well, that, and being able to communicate with people who are entirely other locations. "If you're alone, cough twice," Seth rasps. "I'm alone," Ryan deadpans at full volume, and wonders where, exactly, Seth is. Seth switches back to his normal speaking voice and explains that, last night? When he said he was going to bed? He wasn't exactly lying, but nor was it exactly his own bed. The camera pulls back, to reveal that he's in Alex's Apartment of Legal Teen Emancipation. Alex walks out of the bathroom, pulling her t-shirt down over her bra. Well, this isn't going to end well. And I must admit that I preferred it when Seth had more...you know, social problems. He was more interesting (read: "hot") as the dorky, quirky outcast than he is as the kid who's banging the hot chick who works at the local all-ages bar and has her own apartment. Anyway. Alex waves a textbook around and wonders if Seth is interested in sticking around for some "home-schooling." Is she home-schooling herself? How plucky, yet illegal. On the other end of the line, Ryan explains that both Sandy and Kirsten are awake, and Seth asks Ryan to cover for him. "Yeah, let me think about that....no," Ryan responds. Seth -- being tickled by Alex, and I'd just like to mention that I don't think tickling is a legally recognized home-school class -- manages to make a valiant attempt to change Ryan's mind by pointing out that the Cohen parentals don't want to think about their baby boy spending the night "with a lady." "You know how fragile they are in the mornings," Seth squeaks. "Okay? Thank you."
Cut to the Cohen Marital Bedroom. Sandy puts on his tie, and I need take this moment to put out a plea to the hair people on this show: every man who steps into your trailer needs a haircut. Please. I'm not saying they all need buzz cuts, but the floppy flyaway '70s look doesn't work on everyone and it certainly does not work on Peter Gallagher. Don't make his bangs compete with his brows, people! A man can only have so much hair around his eyeballs! So, Kirsten slides up behind Sandy and starts manhandling his...er, man-handle, I presume, or something man-handle-adjacent, and Sandy looks pleased and surprised. "Top of the morning to you too," he chuckles. Kirsten cozies up around his neck. "Happy anniversary," she coos. The Eyebrows fall. Oh, SANDY. You are not the sort of man who would forget your wedding anniversary! No, no! I will not hear of this. Sandy Cohen is a wonderful husband. This I believe now and forever. La la la la! "Yeaaaaaaah, happy anniversary to you as wellllll," Sandy breathes, like, good cover, dude. He then confidently announces that he loves Kirsten now more than he did nineteen years ago. Kirsten backs up a bit, and corrects him: it's their twentieth anniversary. Sandy sputters something about the newlywed year not counting, but Kirsten is irked and getting irkeder. "Who forgets their twentieth wedding anniversary?" Sandy stammers. "Apparently you," Kirsten says, icily. Sandy digs himself in deeper by saying that if he thought this was only their nineteenth anniversary, he would not have planned a celebration only worthy of their twentieth. "You planned something," Kirsten eyebrows. "Yeah. It's gonna be awesome," Sandy assures her, then announces that he's got to get out of there immediately.
Downstairs, Sandy sweeps into the kitchen and wonders if Ryan needs a ride to school, "like, right this second." Ryan explains that he's going to take his bike, but Sandy grabs him and begs him not to leave, not right now: "I need reinforcements." Sandy then realizes that he's missing a teen, and wonders where Seth is. Ryan lies that Seth left early for school, just as Kirsten wanders into the kitchen. She finds it doubtful that Seth would go into school any earlier than he absolutely had to. Ryan says that Seth had to finish a report. "About what?" Sandy asks. "The history of agriculture in twentieth-century California," Ryan rattles off. "Wow, that's specific," Kirsten says dryly. "Yeah. Happy anniversary," Ryan says and tries desperately to leave. Sandy calls him back: "I was a public defender for many years. I've been lied to by the best. Seth snuck out to see his girlfriend, didn't he?"There's a long pause as Ryan just looks at them both. He's saved when Kirsten snorts doubtfully. "No, he didn't," she mutters. Ryan just smiles us into the credits.
CALIFORNIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. HERE WE COOOOOOOOOOOOOME. Sorry, I had to get that out.
Harbor Student Union. Do you think all those coffees the kids are always guzzling are free? In my fantasy, they are. In my fantasy, I am also the hot new young English teacher, whom all the boys are in love with, and I also have really good shoes. "The history of agriculture in twentieth-century California?" Seth parrots as he and Ryan take a seat on the sofa. "Ryan, the key to lying is to remain vague. Have I taught you nothing?" Ryan reminds Seth that Ryan is a very bad liar. Seth points out that Ryan doesn't seem to have much of a problem hiding his relationship with Lindsay. Technically, that's not lying so much as it is not telling the whole truth, but...I'll let that go. "Well, we're both in trouble now," Ryan offers rather cheerfully. Seth then says something about someone deserving something, but I don't quite catch the line because it gets all caught up in Adam Brody's lisp. Of which, for the record, I heartily approve, except when it makes it impossible for me to understand what he's saying. What if his line were, "Jessica, run away with me"? Ryan suggests that Seth find someone else to cover for him time. "Cover for me?" Seth asks. "Listen, if we were buddy cops -- and sometimes I like to think that we are -- I'd be riddled with bullets right now." Ryan just sort of rolls his eyes. Enter Summer and Zach. They take a seat across from the boys. Zach wonders if Seth has read "the new Whedon X-Men." Seth has, he says, and he'd like to tell Zach his "problems with it." Ooh, do any of those problems involve our getting to say mean things about Alyson Hannigan? No? Fine. Sadly, we never hear what said problems actually are, as Summer pipes up that it's too early for comic-book talk. "Are you getting a coffee?" she asks Zach. He smiles at her. "No, I'm getting two," he says, and toddles off.
Once Zach's gone, Seth observes that Summer certainly seems to be drawn to the lovers of the comic books, and she retorts that while Zach does read of the comics, he also plays of the water polo and looks like an Abercrombie model. Let me guess: the actor used to be in Abercrombie ads? I love this show, but they need to dial it down with the meta commentary. It's fun about every six or seven episodes, but having it in every episode is way too much. And if Zach wasn't in an Abercrombie ad, then this show just annoyed me for absolutely no reason, but entirely as a result of its own missteps this past season. Anyway, Summer continues and notes that Seth just reads comic books and "wears the same clothes [he] slept in." Seth says he didn't sleep in them: "It was just all I had." Summer sarcastically wonders if he "shacked" at his girlfriend's house and "did the walk of shame this morning." Man, I totally didn't do that until college. Kids today are so advanced! Ryan's face at this point is screaming, "Please, Summer, don't give him this moment," and Seth's is all, "AT LAST! MY MOMENT HAS ARRIVED!" Seth just looks at Summer triumphantly. "You shacked at Alex's? You guys are shacking?" Summer asks. Oh, this is a rough moment in the life cycle of a breakup. Learning that your ex has started nailing an elderly teen bar manager is never easy. Ryan tries to smooth over the awkwardness by saying that, actually, their washing machine is broken, but Summer just shoots him a dirty look and tells him that he's a really bad liar. She then assures them both that it's totally cool, and she totally doesn't care who Seth is nailing, but when Zach comes back with the bevvies, she announces that it's too early in the morning for coffee, and that just thinking about it makes her feel nauseated, and she speeds off.
The House That Dropped Plot Points Built. Julie Cooper is yammering on about a photo shoot at the house and Caleb is pointedly ignoring her. "Cal? Cal? This photo shoot is important. You could at least feign interest," Julie says. Caleb -- wearing, for no explicable reason, a hot pink polo shirt -- says that's exactly what he's doing. Enter Marissa. "I need money," she greets them. "Well, good morning to you, too," Julie says. She then exposits that Riviera magazine wants to do a big photo shoot of them, and that she thinks it's a good opportunity to "demonstrate the resilience and strength of [their] family." Moreover, it will be "wonderful exposure." Marissa rolls her eyes. "Any chance to expose yourself," she brats. Julie ignores this, and just tells her to show up, and to wear Marc Jacobs. She doesn't mention anything about THE HAT, but I assume it is rightfully verboten. Marissa makes the obligatory "I don't want to participate in anything that gives credence to the farcical idea that we are a happy family"-type noises. "Then I can't give you any money," Julie says smoothly. "For the love of God," Caleb grits, and gets up and hands Marissa some cash. I hope that bill was just a single. Marissa thanks him and leaves. "Great. Way to undercut my power," Julie complains. Caleb tells her that he agrees with their underage boozehound, for once. They're not a happy family, and he sees no sense in lying about it. With this, he storms out. Poor Julie. She just wants to be in Riviera magazine! Is that so wrong?
At school, Ryan seems to be explaining to Lindsay what a bad liar he is, but I really have no idea what's happening in this scene because she appears to be wearing merely a bra under an open cardigan and it's very, very distracting. I presume they're talking about how they're keeping their relationship a secret from Kirsten. Lindsay opines that they should absolutely tell Kirsten, but that maybe they ought to wait a little bit before they do it: "The point is, we're still getting to know each other." Ryan reiterates that he doesn't want to lie. Lindsay says that she doesn't want to lie, either: "I could still come over tonight, and say we're going to study." Ryan mmm-hmms appreciatively. "And REALLY STUDY," Lindsay tells him, poking him. "Okay, sounds good," Ryan agrees. Lindsay swears they'll come clean soon enough, and kisses him.
Cohens'. Kirsten? Drinking a glass of wine. Kirsten Cohen Booze Watch 2005: in full effect. Drink Count: one. Sandy gets off the phone and tells her that he's taking her -- his beautiful bride of twenty years -- to "the beautiful Montage Resort in breathtaking Laguna Beach." Kirsten is giving him the Ice Queen treatment, big-time. She finally forces out that she can't believe he got a last-minute reservation. He yelps that he was just confirming their reservation! He wanted to make sure they didn't give away the suite he booked "so many months in advance!" Kirsten rolls her eyes. "I don't think we should leave Seth alone right now," she finally says. Sandy assures her that Seth will not be a problem: "Not after I get done disciplining him." That noise you hear is several hundred pervy fanfic writers starting up their laptops. The front door swings open. "Start packing your bags," Sandy whispers to Kirsten, then hollers, "Seth Ezekiel! Kitchen! Now! And bring Mister History of Agriculture with you!"
The boys shuffle in sheepishly. Seth launches into an apology, and lies that he and Alex just fell asleep watching TV: "Like Mom does every time we put on a movie." Kirsten pipes up that she's just "resting her eyes," but Sandy is at least capable of keeping his eyes on the prize, and grounds the boys. "Don't be a smart-ass," he adds, to Seth. "Do you know what this weekend is?" Seth looks glum. "Sure, it's your twentieth anniversary," he says. There is a long silence as Sandy processes the fact that the only person who didn't know this was his anniversary weekend was him. "That's right. It is. And I have been looking forward to this weekend for quite a while," he finally says. Kirsten irritably clears her throat. Kirsten, let it go. Sandy's making the appropriate amends. Sandy explains that he and Kirsten are going away to celebrate, and that if they can't trust the boys to stay home alone, then they're going to have to stay with Caleb. "Which means you're going to have to stay with Julie Cooper," he adds. At this, the boys exchange a look and swear they can be trusted. Sandy takes a moment and then sends them off to do their homework. As he exits, Ryan shoots Sandy this hilarious "holy shit, pulling out the big guns" look, and swiftly skedaddles to the pool house. Once they're gone, Sandy chuckles. "Nothing like a little Julie Cooper to strike terror in the hearts of children everywhere," he grins. Kirsten smiles weakly and calls her husband's performance "very impressive." Sandy picks up the phone again and wonders if he should schedule "a couple's massage."
Meanwhile, over in Summer's bedroom, she and Marissa do their French homework. Marissa demonstrates a shocking inability to retain information as she wonders aloud what the gender for "maison" is, something I learned on day one of French I. But Summer isn't concentrating on her French homework. She's cranky because she can't believe Seth is having sex again before she's having sex again. "What happens with Seth and Alex has nothing to do with you and Zach," Marissa offers mildly, yet again demonstrating her total cluelessness. Marissa, what you don't understand is that anything that happens between your ex and the girlfriend after you ALWAYS has something to do with you. At least in your own mind. "I know, but I always thought that I would have sex first and Cohen would catch syphilis a public toilet," Summer whines. Marissa just blandly says that Summer should wait until she's ready to have sex again. Thanks, Marissa. That's not advice I could get from Dear Abby's Handbook About Sex For Teens or anything. "You know what, Coop? You're right," Summer says thoughtfully. "You know what I just realized? Zach and I are ready. Ooh, are we ready. Woo." Yeah, I might believe that if I ever even saw them kiss. Marissa finally offers to put the French away and talk this over in greater detail. "What's French for, 'let's have sex'?" Summer asks. "Voulez....poulez... something or other? Why don't they ever teach us anything we can use?" Darling, wait until you get to Algebra.
Speaking of doing homework WITH SEXY RESULTS, Lindsay arrives Chez Poolhouse, her bra safely tucked away beneath her clothing for once. And yet, not for long. She and Ryan kiss hello, but she reminds him emphatically that they're going to study, and only study. They then stare blankly at their books and wonder how long they have to wait before they can take off their pants.
Inside the house, Sandy wonders if he's handling this whole thing the wrong way. Kirsten rolls her eyes and notes that for someone who's such a convincing hard-ass, he's really quite a softy, deep down. Sandy wonders what the kids are going to learn if they only punish them by sending them to their rooms to do their homework. "Their homework?" Kirsten offers. But Sandy wonders if they ought to be logging "quality parent-child time right now." Kirsten furrows her brow. "Watching TV?" she asks. "Why not?" Sandy sings. "It's Bill O'Reilly! That'll be punishment enough! I'll go get Seth!"
And so he does...catching him climbing out the window. Seth waves sheepishly. "You've got to be kidding me," Sandy just says.
Meanwhile, the sound of Journey's "Open Arms" is pouring out of the pool house. Hee. I secretly love that Ryan loves Journey. Inside the pool house, Ryan and Lindsay are really going at it, and it was exactly at this moment, I think, that I fell a little out of love with Seth and a lot in love with Ryan and his hot upper body. What am I going to do with my "Mrs. Seth Cohen" t-shirt now? Anyway, there's a lot of making out and a lot of hot upper arms, and then Kirsten, of course, knocks and opens the door and walks right on in. "OH MY GOD," she yelps and we smash into commercial.
Morning dawns at the Cohen house. Kirsten tells Sandy that it's quite clear that they can't leave the boys home alone -- there might be MAKING OUT if they do. OH GOD NO NOT MAKING OUT NO! Sandy promises her that he really lectured the hell out of Seth last night, but Kirsten admits that she's more concerned about Ryan and her sister. "We can't fight a war on multiple fronts," Sandy tells her. "Have we learned nothing from the Nazis?" So true.
Kirsten and Sandy enter the kitchen to find both Seth and Ryan smiling sunnily and unconvincingly, standing over several giant stacks of pancakes. They've got blueberry! Banana! Chocolate chip! Sadly, the parentals are not swayed by this generous variety of delicious carbs. Ryan immediately launches into this whole bit about how he really, really wanted to tell them about him and Lindsay. "You were too busy studying," says Kirsten. "I know. I saw." "Ouch, tag out," Seth says, and he tells Sandy that he's really sorry, and that he knows Sandy isn't going to believe it, but.... "You were doing chin-ups on the window sill?" Sandy asks dryly. "He's good. Tag in," Seth says. "You trusted us. We lied to you. They're no excuse," Ryan finally says. Seth then claims that they're totally willing to taken their punishment. "You guys have no idea how badly you screwed up," Sandy tells them. "No more apologies. No more pancakes. You come straight home after school, capisce?" Seth tries to yammer something about the pancakes, but his argument withers under his father's glare, and he finally capitulates, "Capisce." The boys leave the room. Kirsten looks at Sandy. "We can't leave them alone," she says. Sandy pleads with her to give him a day to deal with this: "We are going to celebrate our anniversary, and the kids are not getting in the way."
Maison Marissa. Arrivezle LawnBot. Marissa comes tramping out of the house to meet him, but Julie stops her and reminds her about the photo shoot the day. "Great! Still not coming," Marissa brats. Julie rolls her eyes and stops her. "Look, I know things haven't been easy around here, with Caleb and your father leaving," she begins, "but this is the only family we have and I really want it to work. And not just for the photo shoot." She then wonders if maybe they ought to take a little trip to Puerto Vallarta. "So now you're bribing me?" Marissa squeaks. "Does that mean you'll be there?" Julie asks smoothly. Julie is my idol. I want to go to Puerto Vallarta with her and make her my mentor. We would swan around with mojitos, wearing sexy yet functional caftans and making cutting remarks about everyone. Anyway, Marissa finally grudgingly admits she'll come to the photo shoot...but that she's bringing DJ. Julie purses her lips irritably. "Marissa. He's not even our yard guy anymore," she says. "You understand this is a portrait of our lives?" I think Julie is beginning to suspect what we already know: that Marissa is painfully dim. Marissa just sings that the LawnBot is a part of her life. A tiny wooden part. Like a wee wooden spoon. The kind you get in frozen malteds at baseball games. "So I'll see if he's free and just get back to you," Marissa finishes, skipping off. Poor Julie. She's just trying to improve their lot in life!
Physics Lab. Ryan and Lindsay sit down at their lab table, and Lindsay shamefacedly apologizes for "running away," and says that she should have stayed at the Cohen house last night to apologize. Ryan shrugs that it's okay, and says that they both knew they wouldn't be doing a whole lot of studying. "You at least had honorable intentions," Lindsay says ruefully. Ryan shoots her a look. "Toward Kirsten, not me," she corrects with a smile. They chuckle. "At least she knows, right?" Lindsay says. "Just needs a little time to get used to it." She offers to talk to Kirsten about it: "I have to talk to her. After all, we're sisters." Ryan points out that this is exactly the problem.
The Peach Pit After Dark. Sandy comes in to talk some sense into Alex. Can I just say that she is so very old-looking? If she's seventeen, so am I. Sandy says that he came to apologize for keeping Seth from sneaking out of the house to see her: "Terrible thing, leaving you hanging like that,." Alex nods. "You want me to stop seeing him, don't you?" she asks, drying a glass wearily. Oh, poor world-weary home-schooled seventeen-year-old Alex. She's such a snapshot of realism, don't you think? Sandy says he does want Seth to stop seeing Alex, but seeing as she's covered in tattoos and runs a club, he isn't expecting a miracle. So why is he there, are you wondering? Was he suddenly overcome with the desire for a Yoo-Hoo? No. "You're a bartender, you listen to people's problems," he begins. "Hear mine. This is my twentieth anniversary. It's not going so well now that my wife is convinced that she can't leave Seth alone." I am a bit confused, honestly. I mean, I'm going with it and all, but I'm not exactly sure what Kirsten thinks is going to happen if she leaves for the weekend. Seth is sneaking out to nail Alex when Kirsten's home, so what does she think will be different if she leaves? I guess she might be concerned that Seth will nail Alex at home. But...I mean, it's not like Seth is going to die if Kirsten leaves for the weekend. I think that part of this issue is that Kirsten is making kind of an irrational deal out of leaving Seth and Ryan simply because she's trying to punish Sandy for forgetting their anniversary, but that isn't coming across very well, I don't think. Anyway, Alex snidely wonders whether Sandy needs her to babysit. Shut it, old lady. "You think I'm corrupting Seth?" she asks. Sandy thinks about this, and finally tells her that he thinks she's "a smart girl, and [Seth] will listen to her. More than he'll listen to his parents right now." Well played, old man. Alex blinks: "Wow. No dad has ever asked me to straighten out his son before." Because, if you haven't gotten the memo, she's mad, bad, and out of control. You can tell from the purple streak in her hair. Sandy further explains that he doesn't like going behind Seth's back, but he thinks that "sometimes, in order to be a good dad, you've got to be a bad guy." I love me some Sandy, but: oy. Although this, apparently, is when Alex fell in love with Sandy Cohen. She sort of blushes and stammers that she doesn't have much experience with good dads. "Well, listen, you stop over by the house anytime," Sandy tells her kindly. "Kirsten and I would be happy to ground you, too." She might as well. Marissa apparently moved in last week, after her father abandoned her. Not that we've seen her Chez Cohen at all this week. On the other hand, what with Kirsten being so crabtastic, no wonder Marissa would rather mope around the mansion with her mother.
Fantasy High School Coffee House. Summer comes in wearing the same plaid skirt and blue knee boots that she wore the day Marissa wore THE HAT. I like that they're repeating some clothes on them -- it feels more realistic. I also have to admit that I secretly really, really covet those blue boots. Summer sidles up to Zach and kisses him. "So, I've been thinking. Maybe we could do something tonight. Just you and I. Alone." Zach smiles, and they sit down. He can't: he has to pick up his sister at the airport. "Why? Is she handicapped or something?" Summer asks very sincerely. Zach just smiles and explains that she's been out of the country for a very long time. Summer gets it. She moves back into Operation Talk Zach Into Sleeping With Her. Far be it from me to correct her technique, but it seems to me that she maybe needs to do this a bit more organically. First, she should try making out with him, and then go from there. Anyway, Summer tells Zach that they've been dating for a few months, and that she really likes him. Zach grins that he really likes her too. "Cool," Summer coos, and tells him that she's ready to take it to level. And he's totally into it. The problem? She means sex. He means introducing her to his parents and sister. Summer's face falls, but she ratchets back up to cheerful in time to agree to meet the family at lunch the day. "This is going to be great," Zach grins. Here's the thing with Zach: as a TV character, he's slightly snoozeville. But as a real-life boyfriend, he seems kinda divine.
So, Seth shows up at Alex's Teen Apartment. "Hello!" he sings. "I am here for my home-school tutorial in the art...of getting it on." He moves in for the kiss, but she puts up a hand to stop him. "Is this the advanced class?" he asks, and tries to suck on a finger. That bit of blocking had to be an ad lib. Alex just walks away and takes a seat on the sofa. "All right. Maybe my magic hands can be of service," Seth offers, starting to rub her neck. "What are we doing?" Alex wonders plaintively. "I call this part 'prepping the oven.'" Oh, Cohen. Ew. Alex explains that she's wondering what they're doing in a more GLOBAL sense. "Did something happen?" Seth finally wonders. Alex mutters that Seth's parents are worried about him. "Did my dad come by the club?" Seth moans, and buries his head in his hands. "That's embarrassing." Alex explains that she never listened to her own parents, but suddenly she feels compelled to listen to his. "Sandy Cohen has that effect on people," Seth groans. Alex stands up. "So you're going to need some space?" he offers dully. Space, yes. She could also use some time, she says, showing him out. "I'm sorry," she says. "Cool," Seth retorts shortly. "Tell your parents happy anniversary," she calls after him, and shuts the door. Please, Seth. Don't tell me you thought this was actually going to work out.
Cohens'. Kirsten sits by the pool -- drinking, natch. Drink Count: two. Sandy runs up, all enthusiastic about getting on the road for their romantic vacay the day. They've got a full tank of gas for the arduous twenty-minute drive from Newport to Laguna! Kirsten, sadly, is quite cranky. Sandy assures her that the boys are going to be totally fine at Caleb's: "I talked to Seth's girlfriend. She's a bit of a character, but she's a good kid." Kirsten wonders if that's why Seth isn't home yet: "I'm not letting the boys stay with Julie Cooper, but they can't stay home alone," she reiterates. Sandy finally breaks it to her that Ryan and Seth are adolescent boys, and, as such, like girls. Kirsten swigs some booze. "One of whom happens to be my sister," she mutters. "So what?" Sandy asks, along with the rest of the audience. "We're gonna forbid them?" Kirsten snaps that she knows Sandy certainly won't, since he's "too busy being their best friend." And Kirsten always has to be the bad guy. Sandy protests that he's never done more grounding than he has in the last twenty-four hours. "Who let Seth run away to Portland?" Kirsten finally bursts out. Sandy can't believe they're back to this old chestnut. "And who went up there and told him he could stay?" she adds. Poor Kirsten. She's had a rough year, and I think she could use a little therapy. "It's a good thing I did," Sandy tells her. "If you'd gone up there and dragged him back, we could have lost him forever." Kirsten points out that Sandy's permissiveness is exactly why this is all happening: "He thinks he can do whatever he wants and you will just keep me from coming down on him!" Sandy angrily snaps that he can't believe she thinks she can be prevented from coming down on someone if she wants to. "Right. And I should find it adorable that you forgot our anniversary!" she yells. Ouch. Man, I hate it when Mom and Dad fight. Sandy wonders if they can talk about this later. "We have all weekend. I cancelled our reservations," Kirsten snaps. Sandy just swills his beer.
Later, Sandy sits in the den and drinks coffee. Enter Seth, who turns and tries to sneak out when he sees his dad. Sandy catches him, though, and calls him into the den. "Let's do this thing," he says. "So what's going on with you, huh? Where'd this Bizarro Seth come from?" Seth wearily compliments the comic-book reference, and takes a seat. "So. You spent the night at this girl's house. Are you...having sex?" Sandy asks. Seth sighs that Sandy doesn't ever have to worry about that happening, now that he's shown up at the club. Sandy retorts that Seth left him no choice: "What did we do? Are you angry at us?" Seth swears he's not. "Then it's about the girl," Sandy says. Seth explains that when he's around Alex, he feels like he constantly has to prove that he deserves to be around her. Well, that makes for a healthy relationship, and is totally fun and relaxing for the girl in question. "Even if it's at the expense of your parents' relationship?" Sandy asks, laying on the guilt. Seth doesn't have to answer this, because Ryan comes home and Sandy calls him into the Guilt-athon. "So, last time I checked in with you, you and Lindsay were headed into the Friend Zone," Sandy says. Ryan perches on the side of Seth's armchair and apologizes for lying. Sandy thinks it's too late for apologies: "From any of us. My wedding anniversary weekend is officially ruined." Ryan wonders how they can help.
Kirsten's holed up in her office at the Newport Group. She does not appear to be drinking. Lindsay sort of shuffles in and apologizes. "Ryan and I started seeing each other before I found out about everything, and it all happened so fast and it was a lot...I never wanted to upset you," she says. Kirsten sighs that she knows that, and admits that she probably overreacted. "No. It was...embarrassing," Lindsay offers. Kirsten says that she thinks maybe she and Lindsay should take some time: "Accepting Ryan into my home as my son was a huge deal for me, and taking you in as my sister, which I am thrilled about...it's just complicated." Lindsay extrapolates this to mean that Kirsten doesn't want her to make out with Ryan to Journey anymore. Kirsten lies that she would never say that. When in fact, she just basically did. She adds, "It's just that, while you're seeing him, maybe we should take a step back." Lindsay can't believe that her sister is dumping her: "So does that mean we're like cousins now?" "Maybe we should be friends?" Kirsten asks. And Lindsay sort of gulps, "Friends. Great. Bye," and leaves. Kirsten just sighs deeply. Kirsten is in such an emotional muddle right now.
It's time for Summer's Taking It To The Step Luncheon. "I'm not nervous, so you're not nervous, right?" Zach asks. Summer assures him she's great with dads. Zach breaks it to her that his dad couldn't make it. He then introduces her to his mother and his sister, Abby. Everyone exchanges pleasantries, and Summer and Zach sit. Abby says, "So, all I was trying to say, MOTHER," and Mother cuts her off, saying she doesn't think Summer would be interested in their conversation. Summer urges them to continue. Which, in light of what happens, seems like a mistake, but which was clearly the only polite thing to say. What was she supposed to say, "I'm sure I wouldn't be"? So Abby starts talking about "what's happening in Kashmir," and Summer jumps right in, very enthusiastically, about pashminas -- you know, mistaking "Kashmir" for "cashmere." Oy, poor Summer. "Um, no. Um, Kashmir? As in, the disputed region between India and Pakistan?" Abby explains, patronizingly. Um, Abby? Shut up. "They fought three wars over it?" Abby adds. Summer tries not to look lost, and confidently lies that she totally agrees. "With what?" Abby snots. Mother clarifies, asking if Summer thinks the Indians should cede Kashmir to the Pakistanis, or whether it should remain an independent state. Zach looks vaguely amused by all this, which irks me on several levels. I assume we're supposed to think that Zach likes Summer because she's not a wonk like the rest of his family, but I also think that, as her boyfriend, he shouldn't be amused by a situation wherein his girlfriend is being made to feel like an idiot. Summer just hems and haws and finally says that there are two sides to every story. Both Mother and Abby stare at her. Zach looks thrilled. I hate to say it, but I think Summer is Zach's Yard Guy. Anyway, poor Summer tries to change the subject and compliments Abby on her wicked tan. Was she in St. Barts? "I was building an irrigation system in a village in southern India," Abby self-righteously announces. "Hmm," Summer responds. Zach jumps in and offers that he thinks they should order. "Lovely," Summer says dryly. Oh, poor sweet Summer. Come over here and sit to me. We can talk about Zach's mother's ugly suit and then I can show you these great shoes I just got and then we can gossip about how Jessica Simpson has a total horseface and do you think I need eye cream, and if so, what kind?
In Da Club. Alex is wearing a jumpsuit. With shorts. I cannot cosign that. Anyway, Seth comes in, of course, and asks for his old job back. While we're asking for things, can I get the old Seth back? Alex refuses. Seth explains that his parents are pissed and they've cut off his allowance. He needs the money. Alex isn't buying it. "Look, I get why you're upset," Seth finally says. "No, you really don't," she snaps. "Um, because my dad broke up with you for me?" he offers. "Okay, now I know you don't," she tells him. "You don't realize how lucky you are." Seth furrows his brow: "That my dad showed up and humiliated me?" Ugh, Seth. You are so cute, but sometimes I just want to smack you! Wow, and you all just got, in that outburst, a wee snapshot of how I felt about every boy I've ever dated. Alex: "That he showed up at all? That he cares? That there's something wrong and his first reaction isn't just to throw you out of the house?" They stare at each other. "Still base minimum wage," she finally tells Seth, and hands him a mop. "You know where the bathrooms are." Seth grins. "Are there any other perks?" he asks. Alex sighs. "What's the point, Seth? It's not like they're ever going to approve of me." Seth offers that maybe there's a way to show Sandy and Kirsten that she's not so bad. Then he sticks a finger in her dimple to get her to smile.
Oh, I totally forgot about Julie's Sure To Be Disastrous Photo Shoot. Marissa looks sulky as she stands to Caleb and her mother. The photographer looks deeply irritated and totally put-upon. Behind them, DJ comes down the stairs. Oh, this is not going to go well. "Okay, if you can ALL smile," the photographer asks. "I AM smiling, dammit," Caleb says. The photographer looks tragically aggrieved, and his face only falls farther when Marissa asks him to hold for DJ. Dude, this is so crazy. Even if DJ were...well, Zach, there's no way he should be in this photo shoot. He and Marissa aren't married, for Pete's sake. "Oh my GAWD," Julie spits, when she sees him. "Is that the guy that mows the lawn? Can't he reschedule?" Caleb asks. Heh. "I'll handle this," Julie tells him. "Handle what? TELL HIM TO COME BACK TOMORROW," Caleb yells after her. "AND CHECK FOR POISON OAK."
So Julie comes over. "What is he doing here?" she asks Marissa. "I thought you said she was cool with this," DJ tells Marissa. "You must be joking," Julie and I say in unison. Marissa snaps that either DJ is in the photo, or Marissa's out. She is so terrible. This is really very mean to DJ, and I don't even like DJ. "No, you know, I'll save you the hard choice, I'm leaving," says DJ. "Works for me," Julie drawls. "Thanks a LOT," DJ snaps at Marissa, and rolls out. Marissa starts to go after him, but Julie stops her and offers to go bring him back. "Like he'll listen to you," Marissa crabs. "Well, considering I'm not the one who lied to him, I think I have a better shot than you," Julie says. Oh, burn.
Julie finds DJ out at his car, and yells at him to wait. "What, you need some hedges trimmed?" he asks. Is that a euphemism? Julie sings that he shouldn't be so self-deprecating. "I wanted to thank you for not causing more of a scene back there," she says smoothly. DJ woodenly tells her to save it, because he knows she hates his being with Marissa. Julie confirms this, and offers him five grand to go away and never come back. "How do you spell your last name?" she asks, pen poised over her checkbook. "Never mind, you can fill that part out." DJ spits that she's "unbelievable." Dude, you should have asked for ten. I'm just saying. Julie tells him that she's doing him a favor: "You and I both know Marissa's just using you to get back at me. What did you think today was all about, hmmm? Only seems fair you should get something out of this relationship, too." She hands him the check. DJ looks thoughtful.
Across town, Lindsay meets Ryan at the pier. And he tells her that he can't go out with her anymore: "It's causing problems for Kirsten and Sandy, and I just can't do that to them. I owe them too much, you know? I just think we should take some time. Space. For a while. Be friends." Oh, poor Lindsay. She's having a rough day. "Great," she spits. "Two hours ago, I had a sister and a boyfriend, and now all I have are friends." She starts to go, but he pulls her back and asks her what she means. Lindsay explains that she was just at Kirsten's office, and Kirsten asked Lindsay, "without asking [her]," to choose between her sister and her boyfriend. And Lindsay chose Ryan. "Had I known that you had this whole time/space plan, I might have chosen differently," she snaps. Ryan offers that he didn't know, and apologizes. "Oh, you're sorry? Cool. Because that fixes absolutely nothing," Lindsay says, and storms away. Ryan looks sad in his hoodie. Oh, Ryan, buck up. They don't have beautiful views like this in Chino. Just girls who may or may not be having a baby who may or may not be yours.
Cohen home. The boys do homework, and Kirsten supervises. Sandy comes in, kisses his wife, wishes her a happy anniversary, and tells her that it's time to get ready to go. He's taking her to The Arches for dinner, and he's gotten babysitters for the boys: it's two cops he used to know when he was a public defender.
The Arches. Kirsten knocks a few back (Drink Count: three, and, let's face it, probably also four and five), while Sandy waxes poetic over his steak. Finally, Kirsten apologizes for throwing the Portland thing in his face: "It's just that Seth is growing up so fast, and I don't want to lose him." Sandy brushes it off, and reminds her that it's their anniversary. They should enjoy themselves. "Look on the bright side," he says. "We got all of this out of the way before Valentine's Day." Kirsten smiles, but her face falls when the Babysitting Cop Brigade shows up. They don't know how it happened, but the boys have escaped. Remind me to get arrested in Newport.
Summer's boudoir. Marissa opens the door to find her diminutive friend watching CNN. Summer waves her inside. "I cannot believe what Chirac said to the Farmer's Union! You go, Jacques," she says. Marissa furrows her brow and flips through Summer's reading material. "The Economist? The Nation? The New Republic? Okay, what are you doing?" Summer announces that she's informing herself: "It's impossible. There is so much news. The worst part is, it's constantly changing. If everything could just stop for like one day, maybe I could catch up." Marissa suggests that Summer turn off the TV and call Zach back. He's left her, like, nine messages. "If Zach wants to dump me, he can do it in person," Summer says. Marissa sighs that she hasn't heard from DJ since her mother tackled him. Summer just shrugs that she's resigned to her fate. Marissa doesn't think the lunch could possibly have gone that badly. "Remember lunch with my dad and Cohen? Compared to my performance today, Cohen came off like Kofi Annan." Marissa has no idea who Kofi Annan is, but Summer explains that it's some guy Zach's mom knows: "I think he works for United Airlines."
Meanwhile, the cops have loaded Sandy and Kirsten into their SUV and are driving them....I don't know where. I also don't know why they didn't let them take their own car. Sandy has a hunch about where the boys could be, and tells the police to pick it up. "You got it, Sandy," one says, and turns on the siren.
Sandy's hunch leads them to the Peach Pit. Sandy and Kirsten spill out of the police car, Sandy making some noise about how it's gonna be "no more Mister Nice Guy" from here on out. "So now you admit that you're Mister Nice Guy?" Kirsten asks, as they go inside. Sandy asks her not to make this all about him: "We show a united front. We show no mercy. I can be bad. But first...." The lights flip on and everyone screams, "Surprise!" The bar is full of the Cohens' friends and family. I am very concerned that no one is going to get punched at this party. Kirsten smiles and looks down at the stage, where Seth and Ryan give a heartfelt toast to their parents. It's a very long, meandering toast, but the gist of it is, "We are terrible children. Thank you for adopting/not killing us. Cheers!" Everyone raises a glass, and the boys call Sandy onstage to sing, to Kirsten's terrible embarrassment and great secret pleasure. Before launching into song, Sandy notes that he wants to thank his kids, "Seth and Ryan," and "a new friend of the family, without whom none of this would have been possible." That would be Alex. He then dedicates his song to "the love of his life." (That's Kirsten, for those of you keeping score at home.) He launches into it, as Kirsten wraps her arms around Seth and Ryan and rests her head on Seth's shoulder.
Zach enters the bar and finds Summer, who is holed up in a corner reading the newspaper. She tells him she's reading about the Serbian situation. "I think I know what's going on here," he finally tells her. "What? That you're breaking up with me because you and your family think I'm an idiot?" she asks sadly. Zach tells her that there are lots of ways to be smart: "It's not just knowing that Kuala Lumpur is the capital of Indonesia." Zach tells her that he likes her because she's not like the rest of his clan. "Then you must like me a whole lot," Summer smiles. They kiss, and he tells her that he really does. "Just so you know," she tells him, "Jakarta is the capitol of Indonesia." He smiles and kisses her again.
Marissa is hanging out at the bar, as is her wont. Julie comes over and tells her that she's better off without DJ. "You don't even know him," Marissa brats. "I know that I offered him five thousand dollars as a test to stay away, and he took it," Julie tells her. She bats her lashes and tells Marissa that she just wanted her to know what DJ was really like. Marissa, naturally, stomps off.
Elsewhere, Sandy is still singing. Kirsten ignores him in order to apologize to Ryan for freaking out about the Lindsay thing. "She's great," he tells her. "I like her. More than anything, you two should be friends." Kirsten nods. "We will," she tells him. "But right now, I think you two should go and dance." He looks across the bar to see Lindsay making her way down the stairs. He goes over, and she tells him that Seth invited her. Ryan is so glad to see her, or so he claims. Finally, he apologizes, and tells her he's over the time/space plan: "It's a bad, bad plan." Lindsay asks about Kirsten. "She wanted me to ask you if you wanted to dance with me," he says. And so they dance. I find them really sort of very cute together. And I've tried not to. I really have.
Across the bar, Seth introduces Kirsten to Alex. "Thank you so much for the party," Kirsten says politely. Alex blushes that it was the least she could do. "That's true," says Kirsten, who then offers, "Lovely tattoo." "Thank you! Your husband ROCKS, by the way!" Alex gushes. "I mean, WOW." "Please don't tell him that," Kirsten mutters. Sandy? Still singing. Quite ably, too. Bless his heart. Please, please tell me that, for Valentine's Day, he choreographs a ballet for Kirsten.
Outside the bar, Marissa is moping and staring sadly into the middle distance, which is her way. LawnBot approacheth. He says he's been thinking about them. "I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry," he says. "So you took the money," Marissa says. DJ insists that he didn't take the money, but it doesn't change anything: "This isn't about your mom. You can't blame her for everything." DJ points out that if Julie hadn't been against them, Marissa never even would have gone out with him. Marissa just stares at him. "I'm not saying you didn't like me. Just not as much as you hate her," DJ says. It thinks! Marissa finally apologizes. "Why? We had fun," DJ tells her. He hands her the check, explaining that Julie left it blank. "So why don't you go on a shopping spree on her?" he says. Dude, why didn't you give the money to a charity? Marissa's got plenty of cash, and if she doesn't have enough, she just steals whatever she likes. With an anemic "take care," DJ then leaves. That scene was the best acting he did all year. "Is this because I'm a lesbian?" Marissa calls after him.
Inside the Peach Pit After Dark, Sandy is singing, still. And everyone seems to be having a great time. Marissa -- over the whole DJ thing already -- comes inside with a big smile. And everyone listens to Sandy sing as we head into the credits.
week: LINDSAY DROWNS! Well, maybe.