The Shower

Kitchen. The Big House. The camera pans in onto a wedding invitation tied with a bow, as Kirsten tromps around lamenting that Caleb and Lady Heather's nuptials are in only two weeks. Except instead of speaking in coherent sentences, she's randomly exclaiming phrases like, "Two weeks!," leading Seth to comment, as he and Ryan enter the room, "Oh! It's the Tourette's flaring up again." He sidebars to Ryan that it happens every once in a while, but that it's fine. Ryan expresses disbelief that "they're really doin' it," and Seth complains of the "unfortunate image" that "just leapt into [his] mind." Kirsten ponders their rush just ias Sandy joins the group in the kitchen and explain that they should not be surprised that Caleb and Lady Heather have taken the "shock and awe approach to courtship." He's wearing white board shorts festooned with giant orange paisleys, and his hair is slicked back. It's not his most attractive look. Kirsten whines that Sandy is being "flip" over the marriage, and Sandy scoffs that he's actually "kind of softening on the guy." He backstories that while Caleb might not be friendly, ethical, or fun, he is either generous or "in love and delusional," since the figure for which he offered to purchase The Lighthouse "ain't chump change." Why am I so sure there will be two chumps named Sandy and Jimmy by the end of this storyline? When Kirsten concludes that Caleb bought Sandy's acceptance of him, Sandy agrees: "But at a very high price!"

Sandy cheerfully changes the subject, asking Ryan how Marissa is dealing with her "new stepdad." Considering Marissa's history of mental instability and flailing about with her weapon-like elbows, it's surprising that Sandy would find humor in anything further threatening her emotional state. I, however, find all the humor in the world in her suffering. As long as it takes place offscreen. Kirsten is more earnest in asking how Marissa is doing, and Ryan points out that she agreed to be in the wedding. Sandy asks if Ryan and Marissa are back together, and Ryan volunteers that they are, and that it's "really good." Sandy marvels that, for Ryan, "really good" is "like singin' from the treetops," which led me to the mental image of a little red robin with Ryan's face perched in on a tree branch, warbling away. Seth inappropriately asks whether this means that Ryan and Theresa's relationship is over, and Ryan agrees that it is. Seth suggests that, since the issue of Ryan's love life has been resolved, they "take a step back and untangle this incestuous web that [he] like[s] to call the Julie-Caleb union." Ryan looks eager to hear how this is going to go as Seth adds that when "this bizarro knot gets tied," Lady Heather will be Sandy's mother-in-law, to which Sandy's all, "Oh," and Seth's all, "Yeah. Enjoy." When Seth continues that Lady Heather will be Kirsten's stepmother, Kirsten whines that her head is spinning. Seth further concludes, "Me and Marissa? We could be related. I don't know. I can't even do the math." I did. Last week, in fact. He says that the "real kicker" is that Lady Heather will be his grandma. He says incredulously, "My grandma wears Uggs. Think about it." Ryan grimaces and mutters, "I am thinkin' about it." But Ryan hasn't had a problem thinkin' about -- and doing more than thinkin' about -- Seth's potential grandmas in the past.

The phone interrupts this diagramming of inappropriate relationships before Seth gets to the really interesting stuff. (And I have no doubt that it will get even more interesting before the end of the show's run -- someone just has to become his own grandpa.) Sandy answers, and we see that it's Theresa calling from a pay phone, but when Sandy offers to get Ryan she hesitates her way through an explanation that she actually wants to talk to Sandy, because she has a legal question. Or maybe she just prefers older, more sophisticated, eyebrow-hair-endowed men. When Sandy agrees to meet, she reveals that she's now working some catering shifts at the Balboa Bakery, and tells him to stop by later. Before hanging up, she begs him not to tell Ryan that she called. He agrees, but looks concerned. Theresa also looks concerned as she hangs up, as well she should, since when she turns to face the camera we see that she's sporting a serious black eye, and although she's rich enough to stay in a semi-decent hotel, she's too poor to afford some $1.99 cover-up.

Luke's already gone from the credits. That was fast! Mournful tinkling in his honor.

Lady Heather barges into Kirsten's office at the Newport Group while Kirsten shuffles papers distractedly and attempts to carry on her phone conversation despite Lady Heather's going on about how hard it is to plan a spectacular wedding in two weeks. Which is why people generally take more time than that. She complains that the caterer refuses to serve beef due to "something about a mad cow threatening to wipe out Newport Beach," and the irony of a honeymooning minister, and the "passive-aggressive nitwit" of a wedding planner with the audacity to question Lady Heather's taste in music. She announces in outrage, "Bob Seger is not 'so over.'" Maybe Bob Seger will play the wedding. Two weeks' notice and a free meal? I'm sure he'd be all over it. Kirsten concludes that she's not going to be able to finish up her phone conversation, and announces that she'll call back the person on the other end. She unenthusiastically asks how she can help Lady Heather, and Lady Heather offers up "one small thing": a shower. "And by 'help' I mean 'host.'" When Kirsten whines that she can't, Lady Heather responds that she thought, as Maid of Honor, Kirsten would want to? The whole Maid of Honor thing is news to Kirsten, but Lady Heather points out that Kirsten's Lady Heather's closest friend, so who else would it be? I don't know. Maybe a winged monkey? Kirsten proposes Marissa, and Lady Heather points out that Lady Heather is not exactly Marissa's favorite person right now. Still, she explains, Caleb is convinced that he can get Marissa to help. She then reveals that Caleb has already made all the necessary arrangements for the shower at the country club, and so Kirsten really has no choice but to agree. Lady Heather turns to go, and then turns back with "one more thing." She mandates that they not have "one of those tacky, girly showers with the lingerie and the games about making whoopee," causing Kirsten to groan, "[Lady Heather], don't say 'whoopee.'" Lady Heather ignores her and adds that she has in mind an elegant couples' shower, which she explains is "a cocktail party with gifts." Elegant indeed, particularly if she gets that whole "with gifts" part onto the invitation somewhere. She tells Kirsten to call Marissa with any questions, and then breezes out of the room, leaving Kirsten to spin around in dismay in her office chair.

Inside, Kirsten and Sandy have already kicked off the festivities with some pre-shower libations. When Kirsten, wearing a very fetching turquoise-colored dress, announces that she hasn't seen Sandy "like this" in a while, he's all, "What? Flustered? Upset? Heading to a Newport party against my will?" She counters, "Passionate. Driven. This is the man I married." And I don't know if that's a compliment more of the man he is at this moment, or an insult to the man he's been in recent months. They exchange jokes over facing "the happy couple." The "gruesome twosome" joke, though, is pretty much played out.

Theresa and Ryan shuffle into the kitchen; Kirsten says she hopes Theresa decided to join them at the shower. When Theresa declines, since she's "not looking [her] best," Kirsten volunteers that her cover-up works like magic. Sandy chimes in, "She's right! You should see her without the stuff on. Terrifying!" Hee. Marissa clunks into the kitchen, and then manages to throw an awkward "hey" in Theresa's direction. When Ryan explains that Theresa's in town for a while, Marissa unconvincingly invites her to the shower. She's just so gracious to the less fortunate!

The shower looks fancier than a fancy wedding. There's a lot of pink tulle, and I have no criticism for pink tulle. I know I should, but I don't. Because it's pretty! A Noopsie congratulates Lady Heather on the wedding and Kirsten on the shower. As both women swipe glasses of champagne from a passing waiter, Lady Heather asks if it's too early to start drinking, and Kirsten says she hopes it's not, or else she's in trouble. Considering that she and Sandy got the party started hours ago, I wonder what time this shower is taking place.

Meanwhile, another Noopsie tells Marissa that after everything Lady Heather's been through, she deserves a man like Caleb Nichol; the Noopsie says they'll never have to worry about money again. Marissa snits off, charging through the party like she's wearing her shoes on the wrong feet.

Elsewhere at the fete, Cyndi fusses with Caleb's suit, leading Lady Heather to tell Kirsten that she's flirting with her sister's boyfriend like she's in seventh grade again. Watching Jimmy and Hailey, Kirsten responds, "For once, I know what you mean." And I know Newport is a small community, but there's really no reason in the world why Jimmy should be at this particular bash. Maybe he'd make the wedding-guest list out of some strange sense of propriety, but the shower? As Lady Heather continues to watch Caleb and Cyndi's conversation, she suddenly gasps, "Oh my God. Did she just say 'monster trucks'?" Hee. Kirsten asks, "Julie, you were into monster trucks?" as Lady Heather scurries off to break up the conversation before the wedding ends up getting called off. Jimmy, meanwhile, raises his glass at Kirsten, to which she turns her back. Lovely.

Cyndi giggles and rubs her nose as Lady Heather joins them; I'm assuming it's supposed to demonstrate that she lacks manners rather than that she doesn't lack cocaine. Cyndi giggles that she was just telling Caleb about their times together at Knott's Berry Farm. Lady Heather banishes her sister to go try some pastries, which she suggests might "soak up some of that whiskey." Cyndi leaves, but not before offering to bring them back tequila shooters. When Lady Heather apologizes for Cyndi's behavior, Caleb sweetly kisses her on the forehead and admires that she has "spark," just like her sister. If Caleb's affection for Lady Heather is an act, it's a pretty good one.

Yet another Noopsie explains to Summer that Lady Heather looks fabulous due to yogilates. Summer trails along after her, expressing her desire to try it out; a left-out Seth follows announcing, "Me too! Maybe we'll take a class together, you and I." Summer is not amused.

We see that Marissa has run off to hide on a bunch of packing crates in the caterers' tent, and I'm sure the people trying to serve food to rich people for minimum wage are really enjoying her presence. When Theresa shows up, Marissa explains that she was feeling lost at the party. Theresa empathizes that Marissa probably needs Ryan right now, but that Marissa's presence is getting in the way. Which is nothing like what Marissa did to Theresa a month ago when she crashed her engagement party. Except Marissa was running away from yet another self-indulgent problem, while Theresa is now running away from her fiance's fist. One of those behaviors seems infinitely more acceptable than the other. Theresa reveals that one of the reasons she didn't want to tell Ryan about Eddie was because he seems so happy now, and it's all because of Marissa!

It's time to open the presents, and Lady Heather acts excited to receive a juicer. Caleb can muster no such enthusiasm. Across the bash, Cyndi proposes that they liven things up with a game. Before anyone can stop her (not that anyone even appears to try), she strides into the center of the lawn and asks whether any of the guests have ever played "How Well Do You Know Them?" Lady Heather snaps that since everyone at the party already knows her, it wouldn't be much fun. Cyndi ignores Lady Heather's objection and announces that she'll ask questions, and whoever gets the most correct answers wins! And what do they win? A carton of cigarettes! Except not really. It's only a pack.

Cyndi asks, "What is Julie's favorite meal?" A Noopsie volunteers an answer -- Chilean sea bass with roasted baby carrots. Which is just so random. I get the sea bass part, but what's with the carrots? Although it does back up my theory about her unfortunate carrot habit. The Noopsie is wrong, though, as Cyndi announces that Lady Heather's preferred meal is actually the "double double cheeseburger, heavy on the special sauce, large fries, and an orange soda." The crowd gasps. But really, who's surprised that Lady Heather likes the special sauce?

Ryan, meanwhile, has located the girls in the caterers' tent. He awkwardly announces, "Hi! I've been looking for ya...Both...of ya." Marissa asks if everything is okay, and he explains that showers aren't really what he does. Theresa's cell phone rings. How is it that she manages to have a cell phone in hand now when she's wearing minimal attire and carrying no purse, when only moments ago she called Sandy from a street-corner payphone? She checks the number and explains that it's Eddie calling to apologize again. Ryan grabs the phone and grunts, "Leave her alone," as Theresa charges after him, asking what he thinks he's doing. She orders him to stay out of it, and he points out that she's the one who came to Orange County, and what did she think he'd do when he found out? I love how Ryan gets all breathless and husky-voiced when he's upset. It's sex-ay. It also makes me wonder if Ben McKenzie wouldn't get to that carton of cigarettes before the quiz winner could. Ryan yelps that Theresa can't go back to Eddie, and she insists that it's not that simple: Ryan knows Eddie -- he may have made a mistake, but he's not a bad person. Ryan argues that she doesn't believe that, and Theresa insists that she does. When Ryan scoffs that she's such an expert on the subject that it seems like it's not the first time, Theresa just lowers her head in response. He figures out that it's not the first time, and then stomps off.

Cyndi's question is, "Growing up, who was Julie's first love?" A Noopsie yells, "Rick Springfield!" Wrong! Instead, it was "the entire defensive line of [their] eighth-grade football team." At this, Lady Heather huffs that she won't sit there and be humiliated. She runs off, leaving Cyndi to lament, "Oh, crap." So wait. She actually thought it was going well?

Ryan fumbles in Marissa's handbag for her keys, and is interrupted by Seth, who jokes about whether Ryan carries a purse now. He determines that Ryan is going to "steal" Marissa's car as Ryan takes off through the party. Seth chases after him as Ryan moans that if he doesn't do something, Theresa will marry Eddie. Seth argues that Ryan can't go back to Chino, because it's a horrible idea; also: "My dad said not to." Hee. That's so high-school. When Ryan insists that he doesn't have a choice, Seth grabs his arm and insists that he does. A steel-jawed Ryan orders Seth to unhand him. (Except Ryan doesn't use the word "unhand," which would have been awfully amusing. And then they could have jousted or something.) Marissa emerges from some nearby tulle, and asks Seth if Ryan left. Seth says he did and adds, "Probably took your car."

Ryan's all seatbelt-ed and ready to go when Sandy pops up at the window and orders him out of the car. When Ryan tells him that Eddie's hit Theresa before, Sandy points out that it's usually a pattern, a fact which really doesn't help his case, since it directly makes Ryan's point for him: "That means he'll do it again." Sandy tells Ryan to stop trying to fix this situation; he announces that as Ryan's guardian, he's the one who gets to call the shots. Ryan argues that someone needs to stop Eddie, which Sandy counters by insisting that Theresa needs to make that decision on her own. Ryan snits that he knows about these things -- "Theresa, Eddie, Chino" -- and Sandy doesn't. Sandy points out that he does; in fact, he's seen too many kids like Eddie, and he knows Ryan won't suddenly make him change. Ryan bellows, "So you want me to do nothing?" and Sandy emphatically agrees, "Yes!" Ryan can't do nothing, though, and screeches out of the parking lot. Lordy, this show has a lot of stomping through parties and screeching out of parking lots.

Back at The Club, Kirsten is settling up the bill when she is joined by Jimmy, who jokes that he always did love Cyndi. Hee. He asks if Kirsten wants to talk about "it," and then adds that he knows it's weird that he's dating her sister. Kirsten responds that it's not jealousy, but that she doesn't want to see Jimmy make a mistake, and that this is what Hailey does: uses people to get back at Kirsten. Jimmy snits that it's not about Kirsten: what he and Hailey are feeling is real! Kirsten half-heartedly assents, but adds that he's starting do to well and she "[doesn't] want to see him --" He cuts her off: "Happy? Because that's what I am." He reveals that it's the first time since Lady Heather left that he hasn't felt completely alone; can't Kirsten just feel happy for him? She says she can, but not happy enough not to turn her back on him and walk away. Considering that Kirsten, Marissa, and Summer all made debuts, you'd think they'd have learned to walk as opposed to tromping and stomping and plodding and trudging as they so frequently do. Lady Heather, who was not a deb, out-graces them all.

Lady Heather pouts on the couch, magnificent legs crossed in front of her. When Cyndi joins her, she snits over what Cyndi could want. Money? Because why else would Cyndi come and embarrass Lady Heather in front of all her friends? Cyndi counters that "those people" aren't Lady Heather's friends because they don't even know her, and Lady Heather's all, "And you do?" Cyndi softly says that she used to, back when Lady Heather had big hair and wore tight jeans; she backstories that they were going to get out of Riverside together, move to L.A., and marry rock stars, but then Lady Heather ditched Cyndi. Lady Heather explains that she couldn't exactly take Cyndi with her, which Cyndi knows, but she still misses Lady Heather sometimes. Lady Heather visibly softens as Cyndi apologizes for what happened; she guesses, though, that she won't be invited to the wedding. Caleb conveniently descends a nearby staircase to announce that of course Cyndi will be invited to the wedding, and that they wouldn't have it any other way. Except Lady Heather clearly would, but for some reason Caleb doesn't care. As Cyndi heads outside to scrounge up some smoke-able butts, Lady Heather complains that Caleb must have found Cyndi's visit "very revealing." He earnestly tells her that there's nothing he could find out about her that would make him walk away. And even if the Luke affair didn't prod him into taking a little stroll, my guess is that there are indeed things that could give him pause -- like if she eats babies or has sex with horses or something.

Outside the party, Seth approaches a table where Summer is sitting alone. He points out that she's been avoiding him and concludes, "That's cool. I kinda like it. It's kind of a throwback. Feels very eighth-grade." Summer doesn't see the humor, and can't even muster a laugh. Seth joins her in sitting, and guesses that this has something to do with his bombing with her dad. When she agrees that it was a "train wreck," he tries to laugh it off as nerves. She whines that he didn't stop talking, and he defends that he gets "chatty when he's...completely terrified." Which would pretty much make him completely terrified all the time, then. He offers to be the "strong silent type" time, or "just...silent." When Seth attempts to cover Summer's hands with his, she pulls away with the explanation that her father is her best friend and he's never been wrong about anything! Seth asks what Dr. Roberts was expecting: "Someone taller? Blonder? Presbyterian? What?" She doesn't answer the question, but just says her dad is being protective. Seth announces that he's sorry her father doesn't think he's good enough, and that it sucks that he feels that way, but that it really doesn't matter because Seth doesn't have to be "his type": the only thing that matters is him and Summer. This declaration of love doesn't have the same effect as the last, and Summer sobs that she has to go, then runs off, leaving forlorn Seth alone at the table.

Ryan enters Theresa's hotel room, and she expresses surprise that he's not in Chino by now. He explains that he got as far as Corona before realizing that it wasn't Eddie he needed to talk to. It was his hair stylist. Oh, and Theresa. When he asks why Theresa's going back to Eddie, she claims he promised it wouldn't happen again. And besides, her whole life is in Chino! Ryan counters by pointing out that his was, too, and she's all, "Right. Okay. So, what? I wait for some rich perfect family to adopt me and stick me in their beautiful pool house?" Ryan volunteers that she can stay with the Cohens, and I guess things change pretty quick once there's a black eye involved. Pretty soon, all the Near-Adults in Chino will be using grease paint to black out their eyes any time they want a swank vacation. Or just hitting themselves in the eye with a hammer or something -- anything's better than Chino. Theresa insists that she can't stay with the Cohens -- what would happen after that? Ryan doesn't know, but he does know what will happen if she goes back to Eddie. And it won't be all green cake and carnations, either.

At The Big House for Wayward Chino Near-Adults, we get a completely random close-up of Kirsten's bare feet as she whines that she's never throwing another party again. Sandy moans, "Aw, honey. Don't tease." She asks if he's noticed that nothing good happens at their parties, and they commiserate over the cementing of Lady Heather and Caleb's relationship, the outing of Hailey and Jimmy's, and the fact that Ryan is probably on his way back to juvie as they speak. Kirsten says, "And if he is, I know just the guy to get him out." Aw. But he's not headed back to juvie, after all! He enters the pool house, trailed by Theresa. Kirsten and Sandy scramble to their feet, asking if he's all right and asking how Eddie is. Sandy looks wonderfully relieved when Ryan reveals that he decided to take his lawyer's advice and talk to Theresa instead. Kirsten welcomes Theresa to stay as long as she wants, and Sandy offers up the pool house, telling Ryan to "bunk in" with Seth on the air mattress. And once again rises the question of why the Cohens would build themselves a giant house, containing what at most can be only three bedrooms? Kirsten takes Theresa off to settle in, leaving Ryan to thank Sandy for his help and advice. Sandy says, "Kirsten and I would to anything for you, you know that." Ryan whispers back, "Yeah, me too." Double "aw" with an exclamation point! Sandy breaks up the awkward moment by saying he's glad to hear it, since they lost the pump for the air mattress, and "somebody's gonna have to blow that sucker up."

Marissa shows up at The Big House for Wayward Chino Near-Adults, calling Kirsten by her first name. I don't know why, but that rubs me the wrong way. If Summer did it, it would of course be cute. But from Marissa, it's presumptuous and superior. When Marissa asks if Ryan's home, Kirsten explains that he's in the pool house helping Theresa get settled. Marissa snottily concludes that Theresa's staying, and Kirsten tells Marissa that Ryan loves her, but that she should make room for Theresa in his life, because she's not going anywhere. Go Kirsten! Maybe if more people talked to Marissa like that, she wouldn't be such a bitch. Well, she'd still be a bitch, but at least she wouldn't be a bitch treated like an angel.