We open with a shot of Marissa's tearful face during the closing credits of a movie. Considering that by the end of this episode, Lady Heather is poised to become Kirsten's potential new mother; Kirsten, Haley, and Marissa are soon-to-be sisters; Luke won't just have been sleeping with Marissa's mother, he'll also have been sleeping with Seth's new grandmother; and Marissa will be Ryan's potential new aunt, there's a lot more worth crying about her in her immediate future. And despite all the badness in her life, I still feel worse for me and you than for Marissa. Because the more miserable she is, the more miserable are we: subjected to infinite pretend crying scenes. And while no one can dispute that Mischa Barton looks particularly lovely while pretending to cry, that doesn't mean we enjoy suffering through the very worst of her bad acting every week. Then again, I'll take Mischa Barton being "sad" over Mischa Barton being "funny" any day. The camera zooms in on her teary face for a full ten seconds while the dramatic movie music swells. We pan back to see that Marissa, Ryan, and Summer are together at the theatre. Ryan looks concerned and asks if she's crying because of the movie; she warbles that she is, but claims to be "emotionally stable." Besides, she points out, she's not the only one crying. The camera moves over to reveal an equally tearful (and lovely, for that matter) Seth, who defends himself, "I'm allergic, okay? And there's so much pollen in here right now it's ridiculous!" Hee. He announces that they'll watch football tomorrow, and Summer points out that the season is five months away. He claims he meant old games on ESPN Classic, and I don't for a second believe that the character of Seth would have even heard of that channel, never mind that he would watch it. Unless they showed old chess matches or sailing regattas or something. Summer sweetly wipes the tears from Seth's eyes, and they're just so cute together! When Ryan proposes that they see a comedy time, Marissa insists that she's okay and can see sad movies. Unsurprisingly, it escapes her completely that he was talking about his own preferences as he tells her, "Yeah. I know you can." As Seth and Ryan rise from their seats, Seth insistently whispers to him over the girls' heads, "I'm sensitive!" Hee. We see that the credits are rolling over a background shot of Paris at night. I don't know what movie it is, but forum talk says the names on the credits are O.C. insiders, so it's a bit of an inside joke. Inside jokes on this show? Unheard of! And by "unheard of," I mean "totally and completely heard of."
As the group emerges from the theatre, they try to figure out what to do . Summer says they'll do whatever Marissa wants to do, and the others agree that of course it's all about that. Summer suggests that they have a mass sleepover, and what fifteen-year-old's parents let that happen? Please, please, please spare me your emails that your parents let you and little Joey from up the creek shack up. Because that's not normal. Seth adds that they can sleep in shifts: "That way, one of us will be up at all times." When Marissa asks, "Doing what?" Summer announces, "Whatever you need us to do!" Summer's hair is tied back Rhoda-style in a scarf, and it's quite fetching. But really, if she wore a Superfresh bag around her head, it would look quite fetching. Marissa insists that she's fine, and they all rush to ask why she wouldn't be. She spins to snit, "I don't know. Because the guy I lost my virginity to had sex with my mom?" A young couple walking into the movies hears this proclamation and turn to give Mischa Barton a dirty look, obviously pissed off because their own acting is way better than Mischa Barton's, but because they're not so pretty or thin, they don't get speaking parts and end up resigned to glowering in background shots. The male half of the couple has quite a glower on him, by the way. Marissa again insists that it's not a big deal; she suggests that they go to Java Juice. Happy for something to do, everyone agrees; a particularly enthusiastic Seth declares, "Oh, that's a great idea! I love juice!"
Over at (where else?) Java Juice, Lady Heather angrily enters and joins Luke at a table. She's attempting to go incognito in a green bucket hat. When he thanks her for meeting him, she snits that she didn't have a choice since he's been calling and emailing; she had to block him from her "Buddies" list because he was so "incessant." Hurt, he's all, "You blocked me?" Hee. When he asks if she wants something to drink, she snaps that she's not staying, and demands to know what's so important that she had to meet him there, anyway?
We pan across the restaurant to see Marissa, Ryan, Seth, and Summer entering as they discuss the resulting brain freeze from drinking too fast. Marissa assumes that this is all about her, and snits that she "can drink a cold beverage." But can she drink it convincingly? I think not. She begins to insist that she's fine again, and then notices Luke and Lady Heather noticing her across the room. She admits that she's not okay, and stomps off, trailed by Ryan. Lady Heather stomps off in the opposite direction, trailed by no one, but leaving behind a particularly forlorn-looking Luke. Seth concludes to Summer that they'll skip the Razzmatazz, which sounds like a plan because no one should drink anything with such a stupid name. ["But it's good! It's no Orange Berry Blitz, but still, very tasty." -- Wing Chun]
Tinkle.
The editors of this show have apparently decided to offset the displeasing shots of weepy Marissa with pleasing shots of naked Ryan. He struggles into a wifebeater as Seth enters the pool house, apologizes, and quickly looks away. Seth expresses awkward surprise that he hasn't caught Ryan changing before, and then clarifies that he's not disappointed that it hasn't happened, but just commenting on the mathematical odds. When Ryan points out that Seth cries during chick flicks and walks in on him naked, Seth defensively asks what Ryan's point is, because Seth's not getting it. He then looks Ryan over and asks, "Do you work out?" Ryan says he doesn't, but that's a lie because I see those small-yet-defined muscles. Lie or not, Seth is pleased by Ryan's answer, and responds, "Cool. Me neither." ["Also a lie; Adam Brody's neck is way thicker now than it was when he was Dave Rygalski." -- Wing Chun] He's off to go watch some hockey until Ryan points out that hockey season is over. ["I live in Toronto, and I wish that were true, but it is not." -- Wing Chun] Sadly, Ryan has donned a shirt over the wifebeater, leading Seth to ask where he's going. Ryan explains that he's going to find Luke and "kick the crap outta him." Seth asks, "Where shall this can of whoop-ass be opened?" which my Word grammar guide wants to change to "This can of whoop-ass shall be opened..." and cracks me up. Ryan offers up some possibilities until Seth cuts him off to suggest their own back yard, as Luke appears behind them. Luke explains that he just had to talk to Lady Heather, and Ryan snits that the time Luke needs to talk, he should go to Ryan, Seth, or anyone but Lady Heather. At the "Seth" part of that sentence, the camera cuts to Seth emphatically shaking his head "no." Luke whines that no one will talk to him, which Seth points out is the general result of sleeping with your ex-girlfriend's mother. Luke thought they were his friends, and Ryan snaps that Luke has no friends. Luke says he knows, and it's sad. Seth looks suitably chastised, getting the whole "no friends" thing as he does. Luke reveals that he's leaving town and needs their help; since his parents' divorce is final, his father wants to head to Portland, and Luke is going with him. Seth and Ryan look shocked, as Luke pleads with them not to tell anyone because he doesn't want to make a big deal out of it; he explains that his imminent departure is why he was talking to Lady Heather, and why he wants so badly to talk to Marissa. Ryan isn't convinced that it's a good idea; Luke begs some more, and then leaves, to go get a haircut, I hope.
Inside The Big House, Kirsten pours coffee while Sandy checks the paper for "any impending natural disasters before tomorrow's grand opening." Kirsten asks why he's nervous, and Sandy points out that if their "friends and family pre-celebration" tonight goes badly, they'll have no time to fix the problems before the opening. He adds that anticipating the worst at all times is a "Cohen family trait." A cheery Jimmy shows up wearing an oatmeal-colored shirt, and he should really stick to the blue. He and Sandy commence a ten-minute handshake that includes waggling spirit fingers at each other. And we get it. They're white. Kirsten looks on in amusement as they explain that, as business partners, they need their own secret handshake, and that it's a guy thing she couldn't possibly understand. Sure. An eight-year-old guy thing. Hailey wriggles into the room in a slinky black dress, wondering if it "puts the 'ho' in 'hostess.'" Kirsten thinks it looks great, and then conveniently turns to Jimmy for his opinion, since it's his restaurant. Cut to Jimmy, eating nuts and ogling Hailey. He awkwardly lobs the question to Sandy, just as Hailey complains about her lack of shoes. Sandy cracks that her dress will suitably distract the customers from the fact that they won't be drinking, announcing that he just got a letter from the liquor board reneging the Lighthouse's liquor license. Jimmy exclaims that they already have a permit, and Sandy suspects a mix-up; he leaves to call the inspector, commenting that Cohens are always right to anticipate the worst since the worst always happens. Kirsten scurries after him on a shoe-finding mission. Hailey remains behind to wriggle at Jimmy and flirtatiously ask if he likes the dress. He offers that it's "a keeper," but presumably not a Keeper as in the new feminine protection method or the Quidditch goal-keeper. She asks if he'll sit in her section, and he scoffs that she can even make waitress-speak sound "untoward." Smooching follows. Kirsten yells in advance of reentering the room, but they still don't break away fast enough to avoid at least some degree of suspicion on her part. Both Hailey and Jimmy grab random items from the counter to fiddle with, but Kirsten looks wary.
Meanwhile, at The Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, Marissa answers the door to find Summer chattering about what spa treatment they should get today. Marissa snits that she's "not really into exfoliating right now." Maybe she should be, since she's not getting (or looking) any younger. Besides, she says, she's meeting Ryan for lunch. Summer enthuses over that plan: "Corn dogs and pizza! You know I read an article in Stuff that said carbs send endorphins to your brain and that makes you happy!" She singsongs this in such a way that I have to rewind at least ten times to get what she's saying, and it's total testament to Rachel Bilson's adorability that I don't mind. She's just so cute, even when mumbling incoherently. Which I guess, come to think of it, is a trait she shares with Adam Brody. They'll make cute, incomprehensible babies together. The ringing of a telephone interrupts, and Marissa stomps upstairs to get it while Summer chases after her, confused that Marissa actually has a bedroom. We see that the room is full of boxes and unpacked suitcases as Summer expresses her sarcastic admiration for what Marissa's done with the place. Marissa finally locates the phone, but she's missed the call and doesn't bother to check the number to see who called. Who does that? Marissa moans that she hasn't gotten around to unpacking yet, while Summer expresses horror that her "t-shirts are touching [her] sweaters." Marissa admits that she thought if she didn't hang anything up, it wouldn't be permanent. How old is she again? Does she also cover her ears with her hands and chant "La la la la la I can't hear you" when someone delivers bad news? Summer looks sad for Marissa or, more specifically, for the fact that Marissa has the emotional development of a five-year-old. When Marissa heads out to meet Ryan, Summer asks permission to stay behind and watch television, since her "step-monster" just got her wisdom teeth pulled and she's "all whacked out on Percoset, leaving a trail of drool all over the house." Marissa shrugs that it's fine, instead of acknowledging that someone else in the world might actually have a problem that requires friendship or concern. Marissa's hair in this scene is pulled back like Elaine from Seinfeld's "Wall of Hair," and I'm not a fan. I'm not a fan, period, "Wall of Hair," or no.
At the pier, Marissa and Ryan trudge along; Marissa holds a Balboa Bar, which she doesn't eat, but just waves around. She can't believe Luke and Lady Heather are still seeing each other, and Ryan reveals that he talked to Luke and they're not. She snits at the fact that Ryan and Seth are still hanging out with Luke, and Ryan explains that Luke wants to apologize to her. She examines the ice cream bar, all, "What is this block of cold something on a stick?" Clearly, she didn't buy it to eat, but to have something handy to hide behind the time she runs away. Marissa whines that while she can forgive Luke for assaulting our eyes with cheating on her, she can't forgive him for doing Lady Heather. She explains that she'd rather keep that part of her life separate from "this part of my life," and I'm not really sure where she's going with this statement unless it's a roundabout way of telling Ryan to butt out? He's using less hair product in this episode, and it's much more appealing. He asks, "You know what we haven't done in a while?" And she's all, "Talked about me and how beautiful and great and smart and popular I am, and how the fact that I talk like my mouth is full of sixty-five and a half marshmallow Peeps doesn't matter because I'm so very beautiful and great and smart and popular?" Actually, she doesn't say that, but we all know she's thinking it. Instead, they put forehead to forehead, nose to nose, hips to hips, and finally lips to lips. The camera pans back to show the abandoned ice cream bar lying on the pier.
Back in The Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, we see that Summer has recruited Seth to help fix up Marissa's bedroom, except he misunderstands her intention and announces that while he's "all for getting it on in exotic locales," he's not sure about using Summer's best friend's bedroom. He comments on the disheveled state of the room, claiming to get, "like, a garage sale vibe" from it. Summer stiffly announces that "your external life influences your internal life," which she read in Elle Décor. She suggests that this may be the reason for Marissa's depression, while Seth asks whether "a little feng shui" will really help Marissa forget that her mother fucked her ex-boyfriend. Seth starts to comment on the sweetness but impossibility of Summer's plan, then stops to note that if they put a mirror on the opposing wall, it would "open up the energy flow in this room." Summer announces that they should go to the hardware store, and Seth's all, "Whoa. Whoa, whoa. The hardware store with like the bolts and the grouting and the skill saws?" Summer juxtaposes Seth's dislike of hardware stores and crying in sad movies, then jokes, "The thing you're gonna tell me [is] you walk in on Ryan changing!" It's the first of several such jokes that fall flat in this episode. Seth scoffs that Summer's being crazy, and then suggests a trip to the hardware store. The lesson, ladies? Appeal to a man's homophobia and get your way!
At The Lighthouse, Sandy stands on a brick wall and looks really, really short. Is Peter Gallagher that short? I imagine they'll keep Ben McKenzie far away from such height-emphasizing (or, more appropriately, lack-of-height-emphasizing) props. He greets the representative from the liquor board, telling him about the "craziest thing" that happened when he opened his mail and read about the reneging of the license. Liquor Lackey is all, "Yeah." Sandy asks, "Crazy, yeah?" and Liquor Lackey says, "Yeah, your license has been reneged." Sandy whines that The Lighthouse can't succeed without a liquor license: "This is Newport Beach -- everyone here's a borderline alcoholic!" Liquor Lackey explains that the temporary license was issued before the newly appointed Liquor Commissioner became involved. He asks if the name Steve Paiser means anything to Sandy, and it doesn't. Liquor Lackey points out that the name would mean something to Jimmy Cooper; Jimmy was Liquor Commissioner's financial advisor before Jimmy stole $250,000 from him, which forced Liquor Commissioner back into the workforce. So. Liquor Lackey's advice to Sandy is to ask Jimmy to step down. And also to have his eyebrows trimmed, since Liquor Lackey's eyebrows are very precisely groomed.
Ryan watches television at The Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad while Marissa offers up lunch options: "Mac and cheese or mac and cheese." Weren't they just at the pier for lunch? And wasn't she just pretending to be eating an ice cream bar? It's the same day, because she's still sporting the Wall of Hair. She leans over the back of the couch to kiss him, and then slides over onto his lap, claiming to have "forgot[ten] how fun this was." He's all, "Pretty fun." Ryan suggests that lunch can wait, to which she responds, "We are having a pretty big dinner." And it took me a while to realize that that was not supposed to be some oral sex joke, but was actual commentary on the fact that they're having dinner out at The Lighthouse. Marissa should not have both tears and jokes in one episode; it's just not fair to the viewing audience. A knock at the door interrupts their mackage; Ryan suggests that it's Jimmy, and Marissa points out the obvious -- that Jimmy might actually have a key to his own house. He may be spineless, but he can at least manage that.
The visitor turns out to be Caleb, who request a "private word" with Marissa. Ryan's keen to leave, but Marissa snits that she and Ryan don't have secrets, and that she wants him there. Who cares what Caleb wants? Caleb warns that the conversation can't leave the room, and then orders Marissa to sit in her own house. She does. He takes a chair opposite her and starts in on how wonderful Lady Heather is, leading Marissa to respond incredulously, "She is?" Undeterred, Caleb adds that Marissa is very important to Lady Heather, so it's important to him to have her blessing. Mischa Barton attempts a surprised reaction, which consists of a random neck roll. When Caleb explains that he's going to ask Lady Heather to marry him, Marissa responds, "You want to marry my mom?" Her delivery is so off in this scene. Substitute "dog" for "mom" in that sentence, and that's how the line is delivered. I can't believe they didn't have Mischa re-deliver that line; then again, who cares how it sounds when her legs are that long! Caleb insists that he loves Lady Heather very much, leading Marissa to exclaim that he doesn't even know her! Ryan suggests that Marissa just needs some time to adjust to this news, and Caleb yelps, "Impossible!" He intends to propose tonight at the restaurant, with all their family and friends in attendance, which is one way to take Jimmy and Sandy's big night and make it all about himself. Marissa guesses she can't stop him, and Caleb rises to say he'll see them tonight, adding an unconvincing "dear" to the end of the sentence. He leaves, and Marissa laments that if Lady Heather marries Caleb, she'll be the most powerful woman in Newport. There's a "Mwah ha ha ha!" joke in there somewhere. Ryan's all, "Not if you tell Caleb the truth." Ominous tinkling.
Luke waits outside The Big House as Ryan wheels up his bicycle. Luke hopefully asks whether Ryan talked to Marissa yet, and Ryan reveals that he doesn't think it's going to happen, because she's dealing with so much family stuff right now. Luke can't believe she won't even see him for thirty seconds, and Ryan cites tonight's restaurant opening as the reason. When Luke yelps that he's leaving town forever, Ryan points out that Marissa doesn't know that yet, which Luke counters with the fact that she won't talk to him so that he can tell her so! Ryan lamely suggests that Luke write a letter, and Luke can't believe Ryan would make that suggestion after Luke had his back with Oliver. Ryan suggests that it's not the same thing as sleeping with her mom, but Luke's hardly saying it is, is he? Luke yelps that he's in love with Lady Heather, and Ryan mutters, "Don't need to hear about that." Hee. Luke thinks Marissa does need to hear about it, though, and he won't leave town without making it right! He revs off in his giant, phallic symbol of a truck, while Ryan ponders his teeny-weeny bicycle.
Summer unearths a lamp base that I recognize from Pottery Barn Kids. And yes, I shop too much. She explains that they'll briefly make an appearance at The Lighthouse, and then sneak back to The Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad and "make magic happen." Seth agrees with this idea, claiming to be "extremely stealth," having been the "1996 All-School Hide-and-Seek Champion." He conspiratorially whispers, "And I do believe Joel Gordon is still looking for me. That foo'." Hee. Summer enthuses over a yearbook she's found, while Seth uncomfortably suggests that they put it away because they have work to do. Summer doesn't pick up on Seth's lack of enthusiasm, and flips through it, cooing over his picture. The caption reads "Sailing Team," and the photograph shows Seth standing alone, straight-faced, holding a small, model sailboat. Aw. Summer comments that she didn't know Harbor actually had a sailing team, and Seth mumbles that it did, but that it never got off the ground. Summer looks lower down on the page and sees another picture titled "Comic Book Club." The photo is much the same, except that Seth is holding comics instead of a toy boat. When pressed, he explains that he was the club's "president and only member." On the , we see Seth holding a video camera to his face accompanying a caption reading "Film Preservation Society." He mumbles that it was a long time ago, and it wasn't fun. Summer watches him with an earnest expression on her face, softly asking if she was really mean to him. Seth pauses, looks down, and answers, "No. That would have required you to speak to me...or anyone to speak to me." Strummy music starts up in this very aw-worthy scene, as Summer says that a lot has changed in a year. She sighs sadly, and then reads aloud Luke's yearbook autograph to Marissa, in which he wrote that she was "the greatest," "this summer will rock," and that he'd "love [her] forever." Seth agrees that a lot has changed, and that Marissa's going to need a "whole lot of feng shui." Summer leans in for a sweet kiss, cupping Seth's chin with her hand.
At The Big House, Sandy sits pensively in the kitchen, joined by Kirsten. The women on this show may be beautiful, but they walk like linebackers. She asks if Sandy shouldn't be celebrating, and he tells her that Jimmy is the stumbling block in front of the restaurant's getting its liquor license, and that there's no point in even opening up the restaurant! Sandy's been on the phone call day trying to call in favors, but came up with nothing. The only way Liquor Commissioner will consider changing the ruling is if Jimmy steps down, which is something Sandy won't consider. Sandy's such a good -- if misguided -- friend. Kirsten points out that there is one last, unappealing option: Caleb. Sandy groans and then groans again; he says he'll need a few more drinks before he turns to Caleb. But when Kirsten reminds him about "desperate times..." he responds, "This is that."
Night. Luke's weapon of mass destruction -- I mean "car" -- screeches up to The Lighthouse, where the party is in full swing. He drinks beer and stares inside. That can't be going anyplace good. Especially if you saw the preview.
Inside, Marissa gingerly places a small square of cheese on her plate. Dinner! Sandy prowls the party in the background. As Seth walks up; Ryan innocently asks what's going on, and Seth's all, "Huh? What? What? What?" When Ryan repeats the question, Seth spazzes, "Nothing! Not one thing! Okay?" Across the room, Summer makes a series of hand motions at Seth; it's not the Macarena, but it could be. He returns the message with a mock hand jive. Ryan catches the tail end of this display, and Seth pretends to be motioning to him: "I'm gonna go pee. So if anyone asks, that's where I am...for a while." Hee. As Seth scurries off, Marissa says, "He's getting weirder." Ryan didn't think that was possible.
Marissa and Ryan leave the buffet and cross paths with Lady Heather, who is wearing a white dress with silver sequins on it. It looks like one of my dance costumes from when I was little. And I'd know, since my parents still have the very embarrassing pictures to prove it. Displayed all over the house. Lady Heather coldly greets Marissa, receiving a curt "Mom" in return. Lady Heather complains to Caleb that it was the warmest conversation they've had in weeks, and he offers his help, announcing that he's been "known to be quite persuasive."
Kirsten and Hailey watch the gruesome twosome from the bar, and Kirsten asks why Caleb is "all warm and mushy" these days. Except she pronounces "mushy" as "moooooshy." (She pronounces "warm" as "warm.") In the second joke of the episode that falls painfully flat, Hailey suggests that it's his new blood-thinning medication. Kirsten awkwardly segues to asking about Hailey's romantic life, and Hailey grinningly looks across the room at Jimmy as she responds, "Not much." She enthuses over how excited Jimmy is -- he's like a totally different person! The camera shows Jimmy chortling obliviously, as yet unaware that he didn't get off free and clear from the thievery after all. (In fact, by the end of this episode, he'll have significantly profited from it. Go ahead, folks! Steal from your friends and community!). But really. Is Hailey trying to throw their hidden relationship in Kirsten's face? Kirsten's expression freezes in unhappy comprehension.
Jimmy and Sandy marvel over their success. Actually, Jimmy marvels while Sandy just pretends. Jimmy admits that "Nana Cohen's meatloaf [is] trouncing Nana Cooper's!" Sandy knows The Nana would expect no less. Nor would I. When Jimmy asks how it went with the liquor board, Sandy dodges that he's working on it, and that Jimmy should just enjoy the moment because it won't happen every day. Jimmy proclaims, "It's fantastic!" Sandy and Jimmy make googly eyes across the restaurant at Hailey and Kirsten. Hailey gives an indiscreet little wave in return. Why not just make humping motions at each other and be done with it?
Outside, Luke emerges from his car, but not before taking one last swig of his beer.
Inside, Marissa is typically pissy, but happy that Ryan is there so she doesn't have to be pissy without an adoring audience. Ryan's all, "You know me. Can't get enough of this stuff."
Caleb clinks his glass and welcomes the group to The Lighthouse; he hopes that they are enjoying the night, and then transition to expressing is own enjoyment in the past few months due to "a very special lady -- [Lady Heather]." The camera closes in on Ryan and Marissa's clasped hands, and this show really needs to be better about creating new poignant moments as opposed to recycling old ones. It's okay if it's a meaningful reproduction, but when it's not, it's just sloppy and annoying. Marissa spots Luke entering the restaurant, and Ryan heads off to intercept him. Lady Heather also notices Luke as Caleb rambles on about her work on the restaurant's décor. Luke whines that no one there will even look at him, but maybe that's because they're looking at Caleb, lowering himself to his knees at the center of the room? This is followed by reaction shots from every partygoer, including the chef at the carving station. Caleb asks Lady Heather to marry him, and then whips out a giant emerald ring. Lady Heather quickly sizes up the number of carats, and then agrees. We see more reaction shots, including blatant guffawing from the major players: Hailey, Kirsten, Jimmy, and Sandy. Lady Heather turns to Kirsten, points at the ring, and yells, "Kiki!" Luke, meanwhile, storms out of the restaurant, chased by Ryan who wants to drive him home. Luke raises a threatening fist at Ryan, all, "Don't make me!" So Luke gets into his giant penis, and Ryan watches them screech out of the parking lot in concern.
Marissa wafts out of the restaurant just as Ryan is turning to go back inside. Ryan interrupts her snit over Luke's having the nerve to show up by asking for her car keys. She yelps that he can't have them because it's like saying Luke didn't do anything wrong! Yeah! Keep all the drunk people on the road; otherwise they'll never learn their lessons! Ryan insists that he's not taking anyone's side, and Marissa yells that he should, because Luke needs time alone to feel bad about what he did. Ryan argues that Luke does feel bad, which is why he's leaving! When Marissa warbles her confusion, Ryan explains about Portland. Resigned, he asks for her keys again, because Luke's had a lot to drink.
Back inside, Kirsten is well on her way. She polishes off a bottle of champagne as Sandy hopefully looks on, glass extended. When she passes over his glass for her own he says, "That's cool. That's cool. I didn't want any anyway." Hee. Kirsten, attempting to deal with the announcement, emphatically repeats, "Julie Cooper is my stepmom." Sandy thinks it's time for another bottle of champagne, and Jimmy agrees that she should drink up. Kirsten rambles on about the "unholy alliance" and "two storm fronts colliding," and that it's "the apocalypse for us all." Hee. Sandy suggests that she "lay off the sauce," and she turns to Jimmy for backup, asking if, in all the time they spent together growing up, he ever thought Caleb would marry his ex-wife. He didn't, but neither did he think he'd end up screwing Kirsten's then-eight-year-old sister. Let's hope, anyway. Jimmy's all, "Yeah, give me a glass." Calling him "Jimbo," Sandy proposes that the marriage could be the best thing that ever happened to him, but Kirsten insists that there's nothing good about it: "This marriage is an asteroid that's hit the earth. Now we just have to wait and see what species survives." Hee. Good line.
At the Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, Seth and Summer work side by side on Marissa's bedroom. Seth successfully hammers a nail into the wall, and then turns to Summer for approval. With her hair casually pulled back, she looks particularly fresh-faced and pretty. She acknowledges his success: "Bob Vila's your bitch, Cohen." Not for long, though, as with his hammer stroke, Seth punches a hole through the wall. When Summer reminds him that he has to "find the stud," he's all, "You mean like you did, Summer?" Hee. She feigns annoyance as she orders him to hand over the stud finder and he's all, "Oh, Summer. I think you are the stud finder." Summer wields the hammer in his direction, and he scurries to work. She also needs a level, and he doesn't know what that is except for "something you advance to in a videogame." She thinks it's funny that "the tool doesn't know about tools." Seth rebuts that his "people" aren't handy; he suggests that they just get a contractor. Summer threateningly raises a power drill in one hand and the hammer in the other, and God forbid she suffered a rage blackout with those things in hand. Seth quickly offers to paint, and she's all, "And here I thought you could only paint the ceiling." Well, that's a little risqué if it means what I think it means. Oh, and there's a nice little close-up of Adam Brody's jeans-clad ass in this scene. Thank you, O.C.!
We see a shot of the Orange County skyline, then pan down to see Luke sitting on the hood of his car, downing more beers, and listening to "Night Moves." His phone rings, and he's hopeful that it'll be Marissa, but it's just Ryan using her phone. And either Marissa's still refusing to talk to Luke, or both she and Ryan are too stupid to realize that imminent catastrophe might be averted if Luke was just allowed to apologize. Inside the car, Mischa Barton demonstrates a completely overdone reaction of "surprise," for no apparent reason. Presumably, she knew Ryan was calling Luke, so why act shocked that Luke actually answered? Luke insists that he's fine; he's at the park drinking beer and "rockin' out to Seger -- you know the drill." Ryan doesn't know the drill, or at least won't cop to it. If it were Steve Perry, though, he'd be all over it. Luke pleads with Ryan to tell Marissa that he gets it and doesn't deserve her forgiveness, since he's scum. He moans that all he ever did was let her down. Ryan begs him to tell him where he is; didn't he already say he was at the park? Ryan says that Luke can't leave without saying goodbye, and Luke's all, "Right. Goodbye." He freaks out on his car for a bit, throws a just-opened beer off the overlook, and calls Lady Heather, leaving a particularly drunken-sounding message that he's leaving the day and he needs to see her and he's on his way! As he fumbles his way into the car, he screams that she at least owes him a goodbye.
At The Big House, Caleb has been apprised of the dilemma with the Liquor Commissioner; he agrees that there's no point in even opening the place. Sandy explains that he was hoping for a favor, and Caleb makes him repeat the request -- not because he didn't hear him the first time, but because he likes hearing Sandy ask for help. Sandy snits that he'd rather take the hit than have this conversation with Caleb, but that he's doing it for Jimmy, because The Lighthouse is all he's got! Caleb points out that Sandy could just drop Jimmy and get the license, but he's too much of a martyr. Calling him "Sanford," Caleb preaches that business should never be mixed with friendship, which leads Sandy to announce, "You're right! From now on, I'm doin' all my deals with you!" Hee. Sandy calls in the Uncle Sean favor, and Caleb is ready to be out of Sandy's debt and back to holding stuff over his head. Kirsten interrupts their conversation, shuffling in to get water because she "tried to lay [sic] down; got the spins." Caleb, too, has to get back to his "bride-to-be," leaving Kirsten to conclude, "Oh, yeah. Definitely might vomit."
Back in Marissa's car, she's leaving a message for Luke to return the call. A faint siren in the background gets louder as the car slows to the red, flashing lights of an accident scene. Marissa makes unconvincing perplexed faces. Ryan makes more convincing perplexed faces. The camera pans over to show Luke's car, with a bloody-faced Luke being loaded onto a stretcher. If any of this is supposed to shock the audience, our emotions have been blunted by all the falling anvils.
At the hospital, a sassy nurse walks down the hall. She doesn't say anything, but I can spot the sass. Marissa, Ryan, Seth, and Summer sit together in a waiting room; Marissa rests her head on Ryan's shoulder and sniffles that when she saw Luke last night, she wished for something like this to happen. I've been mad at plenty of people in my life, but I'm not sure I've ever wished a potentially fatal accident on any of them. Seth has his head on Summer's shoulder; her legs are spread like a trucker's. She closes them as Luke's father enters with the news that Luke is out of surgery with the worst behind him; he tells them to go home, since Luke will be asleep for a while. When Summer suggests that she and Seth should go so they "can finish," Seth snippily suggests an alternative: sleep. We know who will prevail in that debate. Marissa moves to follow Seth and Summer out, but Ryan says he'll stay behind, just in case. Marissa settles back into the couch; she'll stay, too. Oh, goody!
At The Big House, the conversation is not about Marissa for once, but about Luke. Jimmy enters, announcing that he's less inspired to get that liquor license in light of Luke's drinking. Sandy attempts to change the subject, but Jimmy suggests that he will take over affairs on the matter with City Hall while Sandy "hold[s] down the fort." Sandy argues that it's not necessary, and that Jimmy should stay at The Lighthouse and "man the ship." Jimmy asks whether they're going to "refer to the restaurant as a ship or as a fort," and suggests that they need to tie it down soon. Sandy cuts him off to say that it's best described as a "sinking ship" right now, but couldn't it equally well be represented by a "burning fort," as well? Jimmy doesn't approve of this uninspiring metaphor. Sandy urges him to sit down, but Jimmy insists that he can't because he's got to go figure out what the holdup with the liquor license. Sandy's all, "You're the holdup, Jimmy." He explains all about Liquor Commissioner, causing Jimmy to gasp that the restaurant was supposed to be his escape from his past, but he guesses there's no escaping! Sandy cites "one possible Houdini-esque escape yet," and reveals that he's asked Caleb for help. When Jimmy points out that Sandy hates going to Caleb, Sandy explains that he had no choice. Jimmy presents the obvious choice: asking Jimmy to back out. Sandy firmly responds, "Like I said, I had no choice."
Hospital. Marissa is sprawled out on the waiting-room couch while Ryan takes up the tiniest inch. Mr. Ward returns to announce that Luke is awake, and that they can go home now. He thanks them for waiting. Marissa considers, and then asks him to tell Luke that she's there and would like to see him. Mr. Ward grins knowingly while Marissa hunches up on the couch like Gollum.
At The Big House, Lady Heather is already in full-blown wedding-planning mode, wondering whether she should ask Diana Cohen for advice, since she's been married at least a half a dozen times. Kirsten wearily takes this in, until Lady Heather notices and asks why she's not excited. When Kirsten explains that it was a rough night, Lady Heather knowingly mimes throwing back a drink. Hee. Seth trudges into the room, and Kirsten wonders why he isn't asleep; he's all, "Because Summer's a slave driver?" He asks if Ryan came back yet from the hospital, and Lady Heather happily perks up, all, "Hospital?" Clearly she likes hearing the words "hospital" and "Ryan" in such close proximity. Kirsten is surprised that Lady Heather hasn't heard the news yet about Luke's wrapping his car around a telephone pole. She adds that it was just a few blocks from The Big House, and that Luke was drinking, which is "so unlike him." How would Kirsten know, exactly? Seth looks concerned as he watches Lady Heather's initial reaction, then annoyed as she suggests that the accident occurred because Luke never recovered from his humiliation over his father's outing. Seth nods and snipes, "Yeah, that must be it."
At The Lighthouse, Caleb sidles up to the bar, ordering Jimmy to pour him a Bloody Mary, since it's the last drink they'll serve. Sandy asks if that's it, and Caleb states, "No license. No opening. No restaurant." Jimmy resignedly adds, "No comeback." Sandy can't believe that "as big a bad-ass" as Caleb is, he couldn't do better.Caleb responds that he had no affect on Liquor Commissioner and tells Jimmy that he "sure know[s] how to piss people off." He suggests that Jimmy could even teach him a thing or two, which is really saying something. Jimmy suggests that Caleb seems awfully glib, and Caleb cryptically responds that everything happens for a reason. Sandy proposes that he at least feign some sensitivity for their misfortune, and Caleb's all, "You know what they say: 'One man's misfortune is another man's fortune.'" Jimmy marvels that he's never seen Caleb smile before, and Sandy adds, "I didn't know he had teeth." Caleb tells them to make themselves some drinks, because they should talk. Jimmy and Sandy exchange skeptical glances, and so do Piglet and I. Who else thinks Caleb didn't talk to Liquor Commissioner?
Back at the hospital, Luke's "accident" makeup consists of blush and lipstick. Marissa enters sadly and asks if he's okay. Because it's all about her, Luke immediately starts apologizing that he didn't mean for any of it to happen, but that he didn't have anyone! I don't have anyone either, but I'm not about to have sex with Lady Heather. ["Oh, Joanna, now, come on. Have you seen that ass? I mean, really seen it?" -- Wing Chun] Luke explains that he's going away to "give things a chance to go back to normal for [Marissa]," because as long as he's around, they won't. What about normal for him? I hate how everyone is always throwing themselves on their swords for Marissa, who doesn't do anything to earn such undying allegiance. Luke needs to know one thing before he leaves, though: can she forgive him? She can, she says, and then takes his hand and kisses it. She says she'll miss him, pats his hair, and sobs her way out of the room. Ryan walks to the bedside as Luke sniffles and looks away, before asking who ever would have thought when Ryan moved to Newport that Luke would be the one who had to leave? Well, considering the entire show is about Ryan and not Luke, for one: me. Luke thought he'd live in Newport his whole life, and if that's the case, he's really doing himself a favor here. Ryan insists that he'll start a new life, and Luke jokes that he'll show up in Portland and fall for the girlfriend of the captain of the football team, to which Ryan responds, "And he can kick your ass." Luke laughs and mutters, "Welcome to Portland, bitch." The boys laugh, and Luke says he'll email or drop back in some time. I hope he does. Ryan leaves, but not before wishing Luke luck.
Marissa waits outside the hospital room and immediately launches into a tirade against Lady Heather. She hates her so much! Lady Heather tried to drive Ryan away, destroyed Jimmy, and nearly killed Luke! I know Lady Heather's no Mother Teresa, but two of those three things aren't really on her, and Marissa should know that. Marissa says she has to do something, and Ryan's all, "Okay. So where're we going?"
We cut to Marissa busting into Caleb's office at the Newport Group. He welcomes her, asking if everything's okay. She whines that it's not okay; they need to talk about her mom, and he was just thinking the same thing! Caleb takes over the conversation, explaining that although he knows Marissa and her mother have had a "rocky" year, he was hoping they could put the past behind them. Marissa alleges that Caleb has no idea what Lady Heather is like or what she's done, and he cuts her off with a knowing "I know. I know. Everything." Huh? Does he really know everything, or does he just think he knows everything? I'll bet we find out soon enough! Caleb suggests that it's time for their relationship to heal and make a fresh start, because family is very important to him and he wants them to be a real family! He says that Caitlyn deserves that, as well as to be let out of the trunk they're keeping her in until she gets past that awkward adolescent stage. Marissa whines that they already have a dad, which Caleb insists he knows; he's not trying to replace Jimmy. In fact, as of today, he's Jimmy's only chance! Caleb explains that he offered to buy The Lighthouse from Jimmy and Sandy for several million dollars, and considering it would never have opened otherwise, it's a good deal for them. He perches on the end of the desk as he threatens that if he changes his mind, Jimmy will be "ruined, penniless, run out of town." In that case, he can hang out with Theresa. Marissa deduces that this is where she comes in, as Caleb calmly states that she is important to her mother, and that her mother is important to him. He asks her to be part of the family, since she's already part of the wedding. And when did that happen? Caleb announces that after he and Lady Heather are married, Marissa will come live with her family in Caleb's house. That's a kind of creepy demand, if you ask me. When Marissa suggests that he's joking, Caleb ominously says, "It would mean everything to her." Marissa vacantly stares, and then nods her assent. She confirms that he'll definitely buy the restaurant, which he will, as long as their conversation remains confidential. She snits, "You mean you wouldn't want my mom to know that you blackmailed me into living with her?" I don't know why, though; you'd think Lady Heather would consider that kind of devious behavior to be up there with good fro yo. Caleb ignores Marissa's allegation, and concludes that they have a deal. He herds her out of his office.
Marissa and Ryan enter the Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, and Ryan asks if she's okay. When she whines that she's "a prisoner in her own life," Ryan insists that she did what needed to be done. Their conversation is interrupted by a loud thump from upstairs and Summer's cry of "I told you, no touching anything ever!" For some reason, I feel like she's said those words to Seth before, but in a totally different context. Marissa and Ryan run up the stairs!
Summer and Seth are trading barbs over who is the bigger "dandy," when Marissa shows up in the doorway and "Oh my God"s all over the room. Seth and Summer look hopeful and worried at the same time; Seth asks if Marissa's crying tears of joy, and she explains that she's happy. Seth announces that Summer did all the building and heavy lifting and wiring of electronics, while he did the painting. He points out an unbelievable mural on the wall which mimics the background of the credits of the movie they saw at the beginning of the episode. He tells her, "I know you're a Paris fan." Marissa throws herself onto the bed and looks around in awe, as Summer explains that while they looked through her toys and didn't find any plastic horses, they did find something. Marissa yelps, "Share Bear!" and follows it up with a brain-curdling "Wow." Seth adds, "Yeah. She'll watch over you. With her Care Bear Stare." And that out-creeps Caleb. Was that really the Care Bear motto? ["It was something they did on the cartoon. Basically, it involved shaming people into being good." -- Wing Chun] Ryan asks how Seth knows about the Care Bear Stare. How does any of them know about it? They're supposed to be fifteen; Care Bears were big before they were even born. I think the writers of this show -- and all teen shows, for that matter -- sometimes mix up their own childhood nostalgia with that of their characters. In any case, Seth dodges the question by pointing at the mural and repeating, "I painted that!" The four of them wedge themselves onto the bed in various states of cuddling. Marissa thanks them, because she really needed this. Amazingly, she doesn't take the opportunity to shoot down their efforts by explaining that she'll have to move out soon. Seth says it was "nothing," and Summer's all, "Yeah, for you!" As the view slowly fades to black, Ryan asks again how Seth knows about the Care Bear Stare, and we close with them laughing, giggling, and passing around Share Bear.
time on The O.C., Kirsten becomes Lady Heather's maid of honor; we learn that Lady Heather's first love was the entire defensive line of the football team; and Theresa shows up with a black eye. So I guess she and Eddie aren't so cute together after all.