Kitchen. The Big House. The camera pans in onto a wedding invitation tied with a bow, as Kirsten tromps around lamenting that Caleb and Lady Heather's nuptials are in only two weeks. Except instead of speaking in coherent sentences, she's randomly exclaiming phrases like, "Two weeks!," leading Seth to comment, as he and Ryan enter the room, "Oh! It's the Tourette's flaring up again." He sidebars to Ryan that it happens every once in a while, but that it's fine. Ryan expresses disbelief that "they're really doin' it," and Seth complains of the "unfortunate image" that "just leapt into [his] mind." Kirsten ponders their rush just ias Sandy joins the group in the kitchen and explain that they should not be surprised that Caleb and Lady Heather have taken the "shock and awe approach to courtship." He's wearing white board shorts festooned with giant orange paisleys, and his hair is slicked back. It's not his most attractive look. Kirsten whines that Sandy is being "flip" over the marriage, and Sandy scoffs that he's actually "kind of softening on the guy." He backstories that while Caleb might not be friendly, ethical, or fun, he is either generous or "in love and delusional," since the figure for which he offered to purchase The Lighthouse "ain't chump change." Why am I so sure there will be two chumps named Sandy and Jimmy by the end of this storyline? When Kirsten concludes that Caleb bought Sandy's acceptance of him, Sandy agrees: "But at a very high price!"
Sandy cheerfully changes the subject, asking Ryan how Marissa is dealing with her "new stepdad." Considering Marissa's history of mental instability and flailing about with her weapon-like elbows, it's surprising that Sandy would find humor in anything further threatening her emotional state. I, however, find all the humor in the world in her suffering. As long as it takes place offscreen. Kirsten is more earnest in asking how Marissa is doing, and Ryan points out that she agreed to be in the wedding. Sandy asks if Ryan and Marissa are back together, and Ryan volunteers that they are, and that it's "really good." Sandy marvels that, for Ryan, "really good" is "like singin' from the treetops," which led me to the mental image of a little red robin with Ryan's face perched in on a tree branch, warbling away. Seth inappropriately asks whether this means that Ryan and Theresa's relationship is over, and Ryan agrees that it is. Seth suggests that, since the issue of Ryan's love life has been resolved, they "take a step back and untangle this incestuous web that [he] like[s] to call the Julie-Caleb union." Ryan looks eager to hear how this is going to go as Seth adds that when "this bizarro knot gets tied," Lady Heather will be Sandy's mother-in-law, to which Sandy's all, "Oh," and Seth's all, "Yeah. Enjoy." When Seth continues that Lady Heather will be Kirsten's stepmother, Kirsten whines that her head is spinning. Seth further concludes, "Me and Marissa? We could be related. I don't know. I can't even do the math." I did. Last week, in fact. He says that the "real kicker" is that Lady Heather will be his grandma. He says incredulously, "My grandma wears Uggs. Think about it." Ryan grimaces and mutters, "I am thinkin' about it." But Ryan hasn't had a problem thinkin' about -- and doing more than thinkin' about -- Seth's potential grandmas in the past.
The phone interrupts this diagramming of inappropriate relationships before Seth gets to the really interesting stuff. (And I have no doubt that it will get even more interesting before the end of the show's run -- someone just has to become his own grandpa.) Sandy answers, and we see that it's Theresa calling from a pay phone, but when Sandy offers to get Ryan she hesitates her way through an explanation that she actually wants to talk to Sandy, because she has a legal question. Or maybe she just prefers older, more sophisticated, eyebrow-hair-endowed men. When Sandy agrees to meet, she reveals that she's now working some catering shifts at the Balboa Bakery, and tells him to stop by later. Before hanging up, she begs him not to tell Ryan that she called. He agrees, but looks concerned. Theresa also looks concerned as she hangs up, as well she should, since when she turns to face the camera we see that she's sporting a serious black eye, and although she's rich enough to stay in a semi-decent hotel, she's too poor to afford some $1.99 cover-up.
Luke's already gone from the credits. That was fast! Mournful tinkling in his honor.
Lady Heather barges into Kirsten's office at the Newport Group while Kirsten shuffles papers distractedly and attempts to carry on her phone conversation despite Lady Heather's going on about how hard it is to plan a spectacular wedding in two weeks. Which is why people generally take more time than that. She complains that the caterer refuses to serve beef due to "something about a mad cow threatening to wipe out Newport Beach," and the irony of a honeymooning minister, and the "passive-aggressive nitwit" of a wedding planner with the audacity to question Lady Heather's taste in music. She announces in outrage, "Bob Seger is not 'so over.'" Maybe Bob Seger will play the wedding. Two weeks' notice and a free meal? I'm sure he'd be all over it. Kirsten concludes that she's not going to be able to finish up her phone conversation, and announces that she'll call back the person on the other end. She unenthusiastically asks how she can help Lady Heather, and Lady Heather offers up "one small thing": a shower. "And by 'help' I mean 'host.'" When Kirsten whines that she can't, Lady Heather responds that she thought, as Maid of Honor, Kirsten would want to? The whole Maid of Honor thing is news to Kirsten, but Lady Heather points out that Kirsten's Lady Heather's closest friend, so who else would it be? I don't know. Maybe a winged monkey? Kirsten proposes Marissa, and Lady Heather points out that Lady Heather is not exactly Marissa's favorite person right now. Still, she explains, Caleb is convinced that he can get Marissa to help. She then reveals that Caleb has already made all the necessary arrangements for the shower at the country club, and so Kirsten really has no choice but to agree. Lady Heather turns to go, and then turns back with "one more thing." She mandates that they not have "one of those tacky, girly showers with the lingerie and the games about making whoopee," causing Kirsten to groan, "[Lady Heather], don't say 'whoopee.'" Lady Heather ignores her and adds that she has in mind an elegant couples' shower, which she explains is "a cocktail party with gifts." Elegant indeed, particularly if she gets that whole "with gifts" part onto the invitation somewhere. She tells Kirsten to call Marissa with any questions, and then breezes out of the room, leaving Kirsten to spin around in dismay in her office chair.
Student Disunion. The Harbor School. Marissa snits, "A couples' shower?" into her cell phone before hanging up. When Ryan asks what a couples' shower is, she pouts, "Something I am not throwing for my mom!" She then explains that that she just listened to a message from Caleb soliciting her help "per [their] arrangement." Ryan asks if she told Jimmy she's moving out yet. Marissa uncertainly says she'll do so today. When Ryan suggests that she just stand her ground if she really doesn't want to throw the shower, she's all, "Standing my ground is not really my strong suit." But if it involved pouting, crying, flailing around, and/or running away, she'd be more than up to the task.
Marissa turns her attention to the Pac-Man machine as we pan across the room to where Seth and Summer watch on the couch. A grimacing Seth asks what's going on with "the Pac-Man and the getting along and the happy times?" Summer counters that Ryan and Marissa are just playing videogames: "It's not a Mandy Moore movie." Having never seen a Mandy Moore movie, I can gladly say I don't know what that joke means. An undeterred Seth insists of Marissa and Ryan that "she's supposed to be crying and he's supposed to be brooding; that's how it works." Summer answers her cell phone and makes cutesy talk at the person on the other end, "yeah"-ing about fajitas for dinner and "making margs" and full of "just kidding"s and "oh my god"-ing and "no you are"s before hanging up, before revealing that the conversation was with her father. Seth can't believe she talks to her dad like a friend; I go a step further and can't believe she talks to her dad like a boyfriend. It's disturbingly flirtatious for a daughter-father relationship. Unless this has suddenly turned into an episode of Law and Order: SVU. When Summer explains that her father is her best friend, Seth asks why he's never met Summer's dad, then? Seth was beginning to wonder if Summer even had parents or that she was "maybe, like, made in a lab or hatched in a pod or something." And if her extracurricular movie career goes the way of the typical FOX/WB female star, her summer hiatus will consist of a movie wherein a character is involved with exactly that sort of plot. If all the first-victim- of-the-random- mass-murderer roles are already taken, that is. Summer concedes that they haven't yet done "the whole family meet 'n greet," and Seth thinks that's odd, since she's met all the Cohens as well as Captain Oats. I thought Captain Oats was a Cohen, but I guess he's just an Oats. Summer explains that she's never introduced a boyfriend to her father before, and that it's a big deal. Seth rebuts that she's forgetting a key factor, which is that parents love him because he's "got this non-threatening, non-sexual vibe and they see that." I don't know if I'd go around boasting of my non-sexualness. Seth suggests that they go mini-golfing or hot-tubbing together, which Summer shoots down because her stepmom is at "Canyon Ranch." I guess those are activities for foursomes? When Seth asks if Stepma Summer is "drying out," Summer explains that she has "anxiety issues," and is on "some stress-management program." In other words, she's drying out. Summer suggests a lunch meeting, and Seth asks if she's sure she doesn't want to take the most awkward hot tub in the world with her boyfriend and her boyfriendly father? He concludes that lunch is good, but warns, "Your dad's not gonna need a menu...because he's gonna be eating out of the palm of my hand." They goof around and extra cuteness ensues, ensuring that no good will ultimately come of this meeting.
At the Balboa Bakery, Sandy "Oh my God"s over Theresa's black eye. She justifies that Eddie's been under a lot of stress lately, having lost both his job and apartment, and then having a few drinks on top of it all. She still has made no effort to cover up the shiner, and I'm sure that makes the carefree, donut-buying public feel very comfortable. When Sandy expresses hope that she'll leave Eddie, Theresa explains that it's "complicated," even though she knows it should be simple: "Your boyfriend hits you and you leave him, right?" Sandy sweetly empathizes, "It's never simple." He kindly asks how he can help her, and she asks what will happen to Eddie if he does it again and she decides to press charges. Sandy explains that it depends on the circumstances, but that it could result in a restraining order or jail time. He suggests that someone asking these questions should not still be thinking about marriage. Someone asking these questions, however, should be thinking about getting to Rite-Aid for some concealer.
At The Big House, Summer struts into Seth's bedroom. The costumers for this show love to put her in giant heels. It's like they've raided RuPaul's wardrobe for all of Summer's footwear. When she announces that the lunch is on, Seth confidently predicts that by its conclusion, he and Summer's father will be "smokin' Cuban cigars, you know what I'm sayin'? Tradin' Viagra yucks." When he says he might even put on some Dean Martin, Summer tells him, "Well, you know he's not seventy-five, right?" Seth is aware, but points out that male bonding is a very old-school activity; he suggests that they might not even make it for lunch but just "skip straight over to the Russian baths." Summer instructs Seth to sit under a light, because her father wants to be able to see Seth well, and to order a steak because he thinks greens are effeminate. Seth concludes, "Celery's gay. Got it." So he might want to rethink the baths, as well. He asks for more scoop on Summer's father so that he can prepare for the meeting and "bring his A material." When Summer starts with the fact that her father is a plastic surgeon, Seth cuts her off to say he already knows that: "And that's fun; we can have fun with that, but let's also talk about things like hobbies and what you guys talk about; what do you guys talk about?" She's all, "Hmm. Mostly we talk about me." Seth looks curious, leading her to explain, "It's, like, our common interest." Hee. When Seth continues to look dubious, she points out that Seth's the one who wanted to meet her father. She earnestly tells him that her father really loves her and that she really likes Seth, so her father should really like Seth, too. That's something like inductive or deductive reasoning; I don't know. It's reasoning. We'll leave it at that. In any case, Summer sounds very confident in this right up until a final, "Right?," which pretty much reduces her seemingly confident proclamation to nothing.
At the Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, we interrupt Jimmy and Hailey mid-mackage, where he is nuzzling downward into her bosom. It's incredibly risqué for primetime television and yet incredibly unsexy at the same time. Jimmy wants to take it to the bedroom, and let's just hope there's not a camera in there, too. Hailey points out that Marissa will be home soon. Right now, in fact! She enters and immediately sizes up the clothes-adjusting and couch-scrambling and penis-taping. Jimmy shit-mouths that Hailey was "just over to help [him] fix [his] um..." Hailey cuts him off with an enthusiastic "Faucet!" Jimmy runs with it, all, "My faucet! Which was...remember it was leaking? And, uh, you know she's, um, an expert on, uh, plumbing." Hailey says she should go "now that the faucet is, you know, fixed." And since neither of these people is a particularly successful liar and yet both have histories of stealing from their friends and deceiving their loved ones, it doesn't say much about the intellectual capacities of said friends and loved ones. Jimmy walks Hailey to the door with his thanks and the promise that if anything else breaks, he'll give her a call. He turns back to Marissa, who tells him that he and Hailey really need to work on their "improv skills." Jimmy mumbles that he wanted to talk to Marissa about it, but that with everything else going on, it was the last thing Marissa needed to deal with. She insists that she's not only fine with it, but happy for him. Jimmy is concerned, as well he should be, since when has Marissa ever expressed happiness for someone else without somehow making it about her own issues? Marissa sees a window and explains that Caleb and Lady Heather are moving into "this new house." Thinking so highly of his daughter, Jimmy immediately knows where this is going: Marissa wants to live in a nicer house. He explains that since Caleb is buying the restaurant and they're talking about millions of dollars (but has he yet made restitutions to all the people he owes?), he and Marissa will be able to move into a real house and start over. It's nice that Jimmy knows his daughter so well, even if that just means he knows she's a greedy, self-centered bitch.
Seth, Summer, Marissa, and Ryan hang out at The Big House. Marissa is amused that Seth is going to meet Summer's father; she sarcastically announces that it's going to go well. Seth mock-falsettos back at her that it is going to go well because he's great with the parents; he adds that he's actually better with the parents than with the daughters, and then puts a cute arm around Summer: "And I think we know I'm pretty good with the daughters, if you know what I mean." Hee from me, as well as from the group.
Cut to Sandy snooping on them from the kitchen (seriously, he's practically got a glass jar up to the door) while Kirsten expresses disbelief that Eddie actually hit Theresa. Sandy further laments that unless Theresa changes her mind and agrees to press charges, Sandy's basically powerless to help. Kirsten points out that Sandy at least gave Theresa someone to talk to and a place to go, but Sandy counters that it lasts only until she goes back to Chino and marries Eddie anyway. Kirsten suggests that Ryan must be beside himself, even though "you wouldn't know it from looking at him." Sandy reveals that Theresa swore Sandy to secrecy because she knew Ryan would fly off the handle and, in Kirsten's words, "beat the living daylights out of Eddie." Sandy explains that if Ryan did that, he'd break his probation and end up back in juvie. When Ryan enters the kitchen and rummages in the fridge for a drink, Kirsten awkwardly asks if he wants a soda, and he waves the juice he's just retrieved in her direction. He asks what's going on, and they unconvincingly insist that it's nothing. Ryan returns to the living room looking suspicious, while Sandy and Kirsten return to their drinks looking...well, thirsty.
Upstairs in Seth's bedroom, Seth futzes over what to wear to lunch, and Ryan calls him on his bragging about being good with the parents. Seth's all, "Yeah. 'Cause I've got so much experience being introduced to my girlfriends' parents." When he immediately chides himself for being sarcastic, Ryan points out that "sarcasm's like breathing" for him, leading Seth to explain that Summer's father thinks it's a sign of weakness. Ryan thinks Summer's father sounds like a smart man. Seth rambles that he's got to fool Summer's father and "spin an elaborate web of lies -- smoke and mirrors" to earn his trust. Ryan hopes Seth's not going to be like this during lunch. I hope he's not going to wear those gigantic slippers during lunch. Seth pulls a shirt from the closet and asks Ryan's opinion; Ryan points out that it's a plain, white-collared shirt. Seth agrees that it's a "good point," because white shirts make his teeth look yellow. If yellow teeth are a concern, he should also stay away from red lipstick. Seth's further manic deliberations are interrupted by the doorbell, and Ryan runs downstairs to intercept Marissa before she runs into Lady Heather, who is also at The Big House.
When Marissa learns that her mother's around, she says she'll come back later, but Ryan insists that everything will be fine, and suggests that she take the high road. Hearing the words "Marissa" and "the high road" together in one second makes me chortle. In the kitchen, Lady Heather envelops the stiff Marissa into a hug, and concludes that she stopped by to help them with the shower. Marissa clarifies that she stopped by to help Kirsten. So Lady Heather gets the point and leaves, and Kirsten asks if Marissa is okay. Because we should not only ignore bad behavior, we should further enable it. When Marissa asks how she can help, Kirsten rambles off the guest list (the Noopsie and yogilates crowd) before revealing that no one from Lady Heather's family made the list. Marissa explains that Lady Heather doesn't speak to her parents, but suggests that there's always Aunt Cindy. And I'm just going to cut to the chase and spell it "Cyndi": I'm giving this character added dimension by deciding that at age ten she changed the spelling of her name from "Cindy" to "Cyndi" in homage to Cyndi Lauper. Kirsten asks if Marissa will get in touch with Cyndi, and Marissa perks up to say she will. When Kirsten leaves to take a phone call, Ryan commends Marissa on taking the high road; she grinningly points out that he's never met Aunt Cyndi.
Back at The Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, Caleb, Jimmy, and Sandy meet, and the camera closes in on a $2.5 million check. Caleb asks what they think, and while Jimmy can only stutter his amazement, Sandy points out that it's more than twice what they put into the restaurant. Caleb explains that they caught him at a good time, because a man in love has no business doing business: "Besides, we're family." Jimmy's all, "Right. Although, are we? I don't know. I can't keep track." Sandy likes this, and grins at Jimmy. It's cute. Caleb excuses himself because he farted. Actually, he excuses himself to go help his "fiancée" pick out the linens for the wedding; he whines that he "had no idea there were so many shades of beige." After Caleb's exit, Sandy expresses suspicion that Caleb's up to something, and Jimmy agrees that it's either that or he's "on some serious painkillers." He doesn't care, though, because of the money! Sandy laments that he wishes their restaurateuring efforts had resulted in the payout, as opposed to Caleb, and that he "thought [they'd] be rescued by meatloaf and dirty martinis." Jimmy tells him to think of all the meatloaf he won't have to make now. Was Sandy really making the meatloaf? Jimmy adds that Sandy can focus on his work now, and Sandy points out that the restaurant was intended as a respite from work. Jimmy means his real work: rescuing kids and "down-and-out guys who are millions of dollars in debt." He claps a hand down on Sandy's shoulder and announces that there's a stray out there right now waiting for Sandy to swoop down and save the day. Her name, we already know, is Theresa.
Back at The Big House, a tacky lady wearing a white t-shirt with pink bubble letters on it trails Kirsten through the house telling a story about being stuck with Lady Heather in the woods and having to "go like nobody's business" and "dropping trou" and getting poison ivy in her hoo-ha, and that Lady Heather told the whole school: "What a bitch, right?" World, meet Aunt Cyndi, who clearly Just Wants to Have Fun. Kirsten commends her on the "charming story,"and then watches in dismay as Cyndi whips out a cigarette with a dismissive "Mind if I smoke?" As Kirsten stutters her lack of response, Cyndi apologizes and explains that she tried to quite once and ended up putting on thirty pounds: "Who wants to have sex with that, right?" Marissa shows up, and squealing and hugging between the two women ensues; Marissa introduces Ryan as her "boyfriend." Kirsten explains that Cyndi has been telling some "priceless stories" about Lady Heather. Cyndi takes this as an opportunity to out Lady Heather for her more illicit past activities, including The Love that Shall Not be Named (also known as Def Leppard fandom) and ticket-scalping in Anaheim. This episode makes quite the case for a flashback episode. Ryan can't believe Lady Heather was into heavy metal, but does Def Leppard really qualify as such? Kirsten, meanwhile, can't believe Lady Heather ever went to Anaheim. Cyndi asks where Julie is -- at yoga? Getting Botoxed? For some reason these questions -- which actually suggest that Cyndi does know a thing or two about Lady Heather -- lead Kirsten to deduce that Cyndi and Lady Heather might not have the most communicative relationship; Cyndi insists that they do talk, but only if "you call once every seven years 'often.'" When she admits her shock at being invited by Lady Heather, Marissa pretends to be into the guest list while Kirsten stares at her angrily. Cyndi, meanwhile, adds that despite her foggy memory "on account of the Jell-O shots," she's pretty sure the last time she and her sister got together, Lady Heather told her to "get lost" for good. Does anyone, besides Kirk Cameron in old episodes of Growing Pains, really use the expression "get lost" anymore? Just as Kirsten asks for a word with Marissa, Lady Heather breezes into the room and upon seeing her sister ices, "What the hell are you doing here?" Cyndi comebacks that it's nice to see her too, and explains that she was invited by Marissa. When Lady Heather asks if it's true, Marissa just laughs that they have tons of catching up to do; she's on her way to the bakery to pick up the cake, so the sisters will have some alone time.
We join Seth, Summer and her father at lunch, as he proudly rambles on about Christmukkah. Summer's father is not impressed and concludes, "Well, that must be a lot of fun for you." Seth agrees that it's a good time before adding, "But I don't want you to think I'm all about holiday cheer -- I'm not hoarding all of them or anything." He reveals that he has other hobbies, which include comic books. When Dr. Roberts dismissively repeats, "Comic books," Seth announces that he can hear the skepticism in Dr. Roberts's tone, but that he should understand that the comic book is an art form. There's some more going on about "panache" and "old-school vibe"s and "lyrical sophistication," none of which amuses Summer or impresses her father. Seth suspects that Summer's father is a "fan of the classics," and suggests that he might like Batman or Superman. When Dr. Roberts fails to respond, Seth implores, "Iceman? He freezes things...." Finally sensing that things aren't going so well, Seth attempts to change the subject to a more appealing topic: "Isn't Summer the best? A little force of nature just sittin' there. A live wire." Dr. Roberts agrees with this, but Seth can't just cut his losses, and instead goes into full-on panic mode, babbling that Summer is full of "vim and vigor" and asking, "What would you say, in your professional surgical opinion, she has more of? Would you say it's 'vim' or would you say it's 'vigor'?". Summer snappily asks what Seth's talking about, and his voice cracks as he chokes out, "Summer, Summer! I'm just sayin' that I think you've been extraordinarily blessed with vim....and vigor, too. Sir." A clearly irritated Dr. Roberts throws down his menu and suggests that they order, to which Seth's all, "Okay. I like foooood." We wrap the scene with Dr. Roberts demurely sipping his wine while Seth slurps his beverage noisily.
At The Big House, Hailey continues to be in dire need of a haircut. Her split ends are distractingly visible. She and Jimmy are planning to announce their own affair, but at the last minute come up with a series of excuses concluding that it's not the right time. Right time or not, the door opens just as they are mid-kiss. Kirsten and Lady Heather look on with matching shocked expressions.
Meanwhile, at what is presumably The Only Bakery in Ocean County, Marissa enthuses over the look on her mother's face when she saw Cyndi, leading Ryan to conclude, "So much for the high road." Marissa points out that "this way is more fun." She approaches a random bakery worker, who is not behind the counter, and announces that she's picking up a cake for "Cooper." Why doesn't it surprise me that Marissa is so mannerless as to forego a line and instead make her request to some random woman walking by. While she and Ryan wait, Marissa noses up to a plate of brownies, picks one up, and shoves it into her mouth. And if there are any two seconds of footage which best prove that Mischa Barton is accomplished as neither actress nor eater, these are them. Not to mention, I'm not sure those brownies are even samples, since they pretty much look full-sized. She forces the rest of the brownie into Ryan's mouth, and the squealing and brownie-shoving and giggling and elbow-jutting continue until a black-eyed, tray-wielding Theresa appears, and Ryan chases after her. He guesses that Eddie did the damage, and she whines that even though she didn't want Ryan involved, Sandy must have told him anyway. Heartbroken, Ryan asks, "Sandy knows about this?"
Sandy enters The Beautiful Blue Bedroom; he's been out surfing, which he thought would help him sleep, but it didn't. I've heard of warm milk, Tylenol PM, and soothing music as sleep aids, but surfing? Sandy bears coffee, over which Kirsten coos creepily. Sandy announces that, depending on the traffic, he might be late for today's shower. When Kirsten points out that they live ten minutes from The Club, he reveals that he'll be in Chino paying Eddie a visit. Kirsten dryly "uh huh"s this information, as she does through his further explanation that he's going to "knock some sense into [Eddie]...metaphorically, of course." Not enjoying her less-than-impressed response, Sandy jokes that he'll take back the coffee. Kirsten says she knows that Ryan is upset, and Sandy asks what he can do, since Ryan won't even talk to him. Kirsten suggests that he explain (which would kind of go along with the whole "won't even talk to him" bit just lamented by Sandy -- how can you "explain" something without a willing counterpart?) instead of attempting to match Ryan "glare for glare." She points out that Theresa, the actual victim, is sitting alone in a very nice hotel room through all of this. Sandy reconsiders, and tells Kirsten to keep the coffee.
Sandy takes Kirsten's advice and heads to the pool house, where Ryan is fumbling with baskets of clothes. He keeps his clothes in baskets? Sandy is wearing a breezy white shirt. It's a little pirate-y; I'm sure Seth would have a joke about it. In fact, I know what that joke would be. He'd call it "minty." Ryan is wearing his wifebeater, because that's what he always wears when his Chino temper flares. And I know that use of the term "wifebeater" is in particularly questionable taste in this episode, but please spare me your emails. (And be warned: if Eddie makes an appearance later in the episode wearing similar attire, it may or may not be referred to as a "fiancéebeater.") Sandy explains that he couldn't tell Ryan without Theresa's okay, since he's a lawyer and she has a right to privacy. I'm not sure if he's saying their conversation fell under lawyer-client privilege, or just suggesting it as a convenient excuse. Considering he told Kirsten, I guess it's the latter. Regardless of the reason, Ryan still can't believe that Sandy knew Theresa was getting beat up but didn't say anything. When Sandy asks what Ryan would have done with that information, Ryan yelps that he would have helped her! Sandy presses the issue, asking how -- by ending up in the hospital or jail? Sandy explains that both he and Theresa were protecting Ryan, because they knew he'd get all riled up and do something stupid; Sandy hopes Ryan won't prove them right. Sandy then reveals that Theresa is on her way to The Big House for Wayward Chino Near-Adults, because if she's around people who actually care about her, she's less likely to go running back to Eddie. So virtual strangers Sandy and Kirsten Cohen care for her more than anyone in Chino does? Ryan snits that he's going to take a shower, as Sandy yells after him, "Do we understand each other?" Sandy certainly understands a door in the face.
Seth enters Summer's bedroom all done up like a bumblebee -- yellow, striped shirt, black jacket, and black pants. Sadly, it includes no wire wings or little antennae headband. Because how adorable would that be? Summer fusses at her vanity as Seth asks if her father is around, and then rambles about wanting to say "hey or something." He gets to the point: did Dr. Roberts say anything about lunch? Summer coldly responds, "Not really." Seth knows they got off to a bad start and that it "got a little awkward there in the comic-book part," but he thought they turned a good corner at the breadbasket. Summer repeats, "Breadbasket?" as Seth explains that Dr. Roberts asks him to pass the bread, and in doing so, Seth suggested that he go with a breadstick, which Dr. Roberts did. Seth concludes, "That shows he trusts me," but Summer "didn't clock that." When Seth can't believe he didn't get a review at all -- "nothing involving thumbs or stars?" Summer ignores him and flounces out of the room.
Back at The Big House for Wayward Chino Near-Adults, Theresa ambles around the pool. When Ryan joins her, insisting that she should have told him, she points out how well he would have taken the news. She thinks he would have tried to kill Eddie; he thinks Eddie would have deserved it. Theresa argues that it's not Ryan's problem, and that she's the one who has to figure it out. He asks what's to figure out, since she's not going to stay with him, right? She volunteers that she'll "take some self-defense classes" (which might be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard on this show besides Marissa gurgling the words "mac and cheese)," and she and Eddie will live "happily ever after." He asks how she can joke about that, but she's just tired of crying.
Inside, Kirsten and Sandy have already kicked off the festivities with some pre-shower libations. When Kirsten, wearing a very fetching turquoise-colored dress, announces that she hasn't seen Sandy "like this" in a while, he's all, "What? Flustered? Upset? Heading to a Newport party against my will?" She counters, "Passionate. Driven. This is the man I married." And I don't know if that's a compliment more of the man he is at this moment, or an insult to the man he's been in recent months. They exchange jokes over facing "the happy couple." The "gruesome twosome" joke, though, is pretty much played out.
Theresa and Ryan shuffle into the kitchen; Kirsten says she hopes Theresa decided to join them at the shower. When Theresa declines, since she's "not looking [her] best," Kirsten volunteers that her cover-up works like magic. Sandy chimes in, "She's right! You should see her without the stuff on. Terrifying!" Hee. Marissa clunks into the kitchen, and then manages to throw an awkward "hey" in Theresa's direction. When Ryan explains that Theresa's in town for a while, Marissa unconvincingly invites her to the shower. She's just so gracious to the less fortunate!
The shower looks fancier than a fancy wedding. There's a lot of pink tulle, and I have no criticism for pink tulle. I know I should, but I don't. Because it's pretty! A Noopsie congratulates Lady Heather on the wedding and Kirsten on the shower. As both women swipe glasses of champagne from a passing waiter, Lady Heather asks if it's too early to start drinking, and Kirsten says she hopes it's not, or else she's in trouble. Considering that she and Sandy got the party started hours ago, I wonder what time this shower is taking place.
Meanwhile, another Noopsie tells Marissa that after everything Lady Heather's been through, she deserves a man like Caleb Nichol; the Noopsie says they'll never have to worry about money again. Marissa snits off, charging through the party like she's wearing her shoes on the wrong feet.
Elsewhere at the fete, Cyndi fusses with Caleb's suit, leading Lady Heather to tell Kirsten that she's flirting with her sister's boyfriend like she's in seventh grade again. Watching Jimmy and Hailey, Kirsten responds, "For once, I know what you mean." And I know Newport is a small community, but there's really no reason in the world why Jimmy should be at this particular bash. Maybe he'd make the wedding-guest list out of some strange sense of propriety, but the shower? As Lady Heather continues to watch Caleb and Cyndi's conversation, she suddenly gasps, "Oh my God. Did she just say 'monster trucks'?" Hee. Kirsten asks, "Julie, you were into monster trucks?" as Lady Heather scurries off to break up the conversation before the wedding ends up getting called off. Jimmy, meanwhile, raises his glass at Kirsten, to which she turns her back. Lovely.
Cyndi giggles and rubs her nose as Lady Heather joins them; I'm assuming it's supposed to demonstrate that she lacks manners rather than that she doesn't lack cocaine. Cyndi giggles that she was just telling Caleb about their times together at Knott's Berry Farm. Lady Heather banishes her sister to go try some pastries, which she suggests might "soak up some of that whiskey." Cyndi leaves, but not before offering to bring them back tequila shooters. When Lady Heather apologizes for Cyndi's behavior, Caleb sweetly kisses her on the forehead and admires that she has "spark," just like her sister. If Caleb's affection for Lady Heather is an act, it's a pretty good one.
Yet another Noopsie explains to Summer that Lady Heather looks fabulous due to yogilates. Summer trails along after her, expressing her desire to try it out; a left-out Seth follows announcing, "Me too! Maybe we'll take a class together, you and I." Summer is not amused.
We see that Marissa has run off to hide on a bunch of packing crates in the caterers' tent, and I'm sure the people trying to serve food to rich people for minimum wage are really enjoying her presence. When Theresa shows up, Marissa explains that she was feeling lost at the party. Theresa empathizes that Marissa probably needs Ryan right now, but that Marissa's presence is getting in the way. Which is nothing like what Marissa did to Theresa a month ago when she crashed her engagement party. Except Marissa was running away from yet another self-indulgent problem, while Theresa is now running away from her fiancée's fist. One of those behaviors seems infinitely more acceptable than the other. Theresa reveals that one of the reasons she didn't want to tell Ryan about Eddie was because he seems so happy now, and it's all because of Marissa!
It's time to open the presents, and Lady Heather acts excited to receive a juicer. Caleb can muster no such enthusiasm. Across the bash, Cyndi proposes that they liven things up with a game. Before anyone can stop her (not that anyone even appears to try), she strides into the center of the lawn and asks whether any of the guests have ever played "How Well Do You Know Them?" Lady Heather snaps that since everyone at the party already knows her, it wouldn't be much fun. Cyndi ignores Lady Heather's objection and announces that she'll ask questions, and whoever gets the most correct answers wins! And what do they win? A carton of cigarettes! Except not really. It's only a pack.
Cyndi asks, "What is Julie's favorite meal?" A Noopsie volunteers an answer -- Chilean sea bass with roasted baby carrots. Which is just so random. I get the sea bass part, but what's with the carrots? Although it does back up my theory about her unfortunate carrot habit. The Noopsie is wrong, though, as Cyndi announces that Lady Heather's preferred meal is actually the "double double cheeseburger, heavy on the special sauce, large fries, and an orange soda." The crowd gasps. But really, who's surprised that Lady Heather likes the special sauce?
Ryan, meanwhile, has located the girls in the caterers' tent. He awkwardly announces, "Hi! I've been looking for ya...Both...of ya." Marissa asks if everything is okay, and he explains that showers aren't really what he does. Theresa's cell phone rings. How is it that she manages to have a cell phone in hand now when she's wearing minimal attire and carrying no purse, when only moments ago she called Sandy from a street-corner payphone? She checks the number and explains that it's Eddie calling to apologize again. Ryan grabs the phone and grunts, "Leave her alone," as Theresa charges after him, asking what he thinks he's doing. She orders him to stay out of it, and he points out that she's the one who came to Orange County, and what did she think he'd do when he found out? I love how Ryan gets all breathless and husky-voiced when he's upset. It's sex-ay. It also makes me wonder if Ben McKenzie wouldn't get to that carton of cigarettes before the quiz winner could. Ryan yelps that Theresa can't go back to Eddie, and she insists that it's not that simple: Ryan knows Eddie -- he may have made a mistake, but he's not a bad person. Ryan argues that she doesn't believe that, and Theresa insists that she does. When Ryan scoffs that she's such an expert on the subject that it seems like it's not the first time, Theresa just lowers her head in response. He figures out that it's not the first time, and then stomps off.
Cyndi's question is, "Growing up, who was Julie's first love?" A Noopsie yells, "Rick Springfield!" Wrong! Instead, it was "the entire defensive line of [their] eighth-grade football team." At this, Lady Heather huffs that she won't sit there and be humiliated. She runs off, leaving Cyndi to lament, "Oh, crap." So wait. She actually thought it was going well?
Ryan fumbles in Marissa's handbag for her keys, and is interrupted by Seth, who jokes about whether Ryan carries a purse now. He determines that Ryan is going to "steal" Marissa's car as Ryan takes off through the party. Seth chases after him as Ryan moans that if he doesn't do something, Theresa will marry Eddie. Seth argues that Ryan can't go back to Chino, because it's a horrible idea; also: "My dad said not to." Hee. That's so high-school. When Ryan insists that he doesn't have a choice, Seth grabs his arm and insists that he does. A steel-jawed Ryan orders Seth to unhand him. (Except Ryan doesn't use the word "unhand," which would have been awfully amusing. And then they could have jousted or something.) Marissa emerges from some nearby tulle, and asks Seth if Ryan left. Seth says he did and adds, "Probably took your car."
Ryan's all seatbelt-ed and ready to go when Sandy pops up at the window and orders him out of the car. When Ryan tells him that Eddie's hit Theresa before, Sandy points out that it's usually a pattern, a fact which really doesn't help his case, since it directly makes Ryan's point for him: "That means he'll do it again." Sandy tells Ryan to stop trying to fix this situation; he announces that as Ryan's guardian, he's the one who gets to call the shots. Ryan argues that someone needs to stop Eddie, which Sandy counters by insisting that Theresa needs to make that decision on her own. Ryan snits that he knows about these things -- "Theresa, Eddie, Chino" -- and Sandy doesn't. Sandy points out that he does; in fact, he's seen too many kids like Eddie, and he knows Ryan won't suddenly make him change. Ryan bellows, "So you want me to do nothing?" and Sandy emphatically agrees, "Yes!" Ryan can't do nothing, though, and screeches out of the parking lot. Lordy, this show has a lot of stomping through parties and screeching out of parking lots.
Back at The Club, Kirsten is settling up the bill when she is joined by Jimmy, who jokes that he always did love Cyndi. Hee. He asks if Kirsten wants to talk about "it," and then adds that he knows it's weird that he's dating her sister. Kirsten responds that it's not jealousy, but that she doesn't want to see Jimmy make a mistake, and that this is what Hailey does: uses people to get back at Kirsten. Jimmy snits that it's not about Kirsten: what he and Hailey are feeling is real! Kirsten half-heartedly assents, but adds that he's starting do to well and she "[doesn't] want to see him --" He cuts her off: "Happy? Because that's what I am." He reveals that it's the first time since Lady Heather left that he hasn't felt completely alone; can't Kirsten just feel happy for him? She says she can, but not happy enough not to turn her back on him and walk away. Considering that Kirsten, Marissa, and Summer all made debuts, you'd think they'd have learned to walk as opposed to tromping and stomping and plodding and trudging as they so frequently do. Lady Heather, who was not a deb, out-graces them all.
Lady Heather pouts on the couch, magnificent legs crossed in front of her. When Cyndi joins her, she snits over what Cyndi could want. Money? Because why else would Cyndi come and embarrass Lady Heather in front of all her friends? Cyndi counters that "those people" aren't Lady Heather's friends because they don't even know her, and Lady Heather's all, "And you do?" Cyndi softly says that she used to, back when Lady Heather had big hair and wore tight jeans; she backstories that they were going to get out of Riverside together, move to L.A., and marry rock stars, but then Lady Heather ditched Cyndi. Lady Heather explains that she couldn't exactly take Cyndi with her, which Cyndi knows, but she still misses Lady Heather sometimes. Lady Heather visibly softens as Cyndi apologizes for what happened; she guesses, though, that she won't be invited to the wedding. Caleb conveniently descends a nearby staircase to announce that of course Cyndi will be invited to the wedding, and that they wouldn't have it any other way. Except Lady Heather clearly would, but for some reason Caleb doesn't care. As Cyndi heads outside to scrounge up some smoke-able butts, Lady Heather complains that Caleb must have found Cyndi's visit "very revealing." He earnestly tells her that there's nothing he could find out about her that would make him walk away. And even if the Luke affair didn't prod him into taking a little stroll, my guess is that there are indeed things that could give him pause -- like if she eats babies or has sex with horses or something.
Outside the party, Seth approaches a table where Summer is sitting alone. He points out that she's been avoiding him and concludes, "That's cool. I kinda like it. It's kind of a throwback. Feels very eighth-grade." Summer doesn't see the humor, and can't even muster a laugh. Seth joins her in sitting, and guesses that this has something to do with his bombing with her dad. When she agrees that it was a "train wreck," he tries to laugh it off as nerves. She whines that he didn't stop talking, and he defends that he gets "chatty when he's...completely terrified." Which would pretty much make him completely terrified all the time, then. He offers to be the "strong silent type" time, or "just...silent." When Seth attempts to cover Summer's hands with his, she pulls away with the explanation that her father is her best friend and he's never been wrong about anything! Seth asks what Dr. Roberts was expecting: "Someone taller? Blonder? Presbyterian? What?" She doesn't answer the question, but just says her dad is being protective. Seth announces that he's sorry her father doesn't think he's good enough, and that it sucks that he feels that way, but that it really doesn't matter because Seth doesn't have to be "his type": the only thing that matters is him and Summer. This declaration of love doesn't have the same effect as the last, and Summer sobs that she has to go, then runs off, leaving forlorn Seth alone at the table.
Ryan enters Theresa's hotel room, and she expresses surprise that he's not in Chino by now. He explains that he got as far as Corona before realizing that it wasn't Eddie he needed to talk to. It was his hair stylist. Oh, and Theresa. When he asks why Theresa's going back to Eddie, she claims he promised it wouldn't happen again. And besides, her whole life is in Chino! Ryan counters by pointing out that his was, too, and she's all, "Right. Okay. So, what? I wait for some rich perfect family to adopt me and stick me in their beautiful pool house?" Ryan volunteers that she can stay with the Cohens, and I guess things change pretty quick once there's a black eye involved. Pretty soon, all the Near-Adults in Chino will be using grease paint to black out their eyes any time they want a swank vacation. Or just hitting themselves in the eye with a hammer or something -- anything's better than Chino. Theresa insists that she can't stay with the Cohens -- what would happen after that? Ryan doesn't know, but he does know what will happen if she goes back to Eddie. And it won't be all green cake and carnations, either.
At The Big House for Wayward Chino Near-Adults, we get a completely random close-up of Kirsten's bare feet as she whines that she's never throwing another party again. Sandy moans, "Aw, honey. Don't tease." She asks if he's noticed that nothing good happens at their parties, and they commiserate over the cementing of Lady Heather and Caleb's relationship, the outing of Hailey and Jimmy's, and the fact that Ryan is probably on his way back to juvie as they speak. Kirsten says, "And if he is, I know just the guy to get him out." Aw. But he's not headed back to juvie, after all! He enters the pool house, trailed by Theresa. Kirsten and Sandy scramble to their feet, asking if he's all right and asking how Eddie is. Sandy looks wonderfully relieved when Ryan reveals that he decided to take his lawyer's advice and talk to Theresa instead. Kirsten welcomes Theresa to stay as long as she wants, and Sandy offers up the pool house, telling Ryan to "bunk in" with Seth on the air mattress. And once again rises the question of why the Cohens would build themselves a giant house, containing what at most can be only three bedrooms? Kirsten takes Theresa off to settle in, leaving Ryan to thank Sandy for his help and advice. Sandy says, "Kirsten and I would to anything for you, you know that." Ryan whispers back, "Yeah, me too." Double "aw" with an exclamation point! Sandy breaks up the awkward moment by saying he's glad to hear it, since they lost the pump for the air mattress, and "somebody's gonna have to blow that sucker up."
Marissa shows up at The Big House for Wayward Chino Near-Adults, calling Kirsten by her first name. I don't know why, but that rubs me the wrong way. If Summer did it, it would of course be cute. But from Marissa, it's presumptuous and superior. When Marissa asks if Ryan's home, Kirsten explains that he's in the pool house helping Theresa get settled. Marissa snottily concludes that Theresa's staying, and Kirsten tells Marissa that Ryan loves her, but that she should make room for Theresa in his life, because she's not going anywhere. Go Kirsten! Maybe if more people talked to Marissa like that, she wouldn't be such a bitch. Well, she'd still be a bitch, but at least she wouldn't be a bitch treated like an angel.
Melancholy music plays upstairs as Ryan sets up his stuff. And only a good kid like Seth would be so tolerant of sharing his bedroom indefinitely with the family stray. That will majorly cut into the ceiling painting. Ryan apologizes for bailing at the shower, and Seth asks if the apology shouldn't be directed elsewhere -- like to Marissa? Ryan insists that he didn't want to act like that, but that he had to, and again Seth cuts him off to say that the apology should go elsewhere. He then announces that if it makes Ryan feel any better, things with him and Summer suck. Ryan deduces that they're on the outs because of Dr. Roberts, and Seth sadly laments, "Of all the love triangles to sink us, it is the least sexy." I'm not so sure about that, since the triangle involving Anna Stern was pretty damn unsexy as well. Seth again tells Ryan to go talk to his girlfriend, because one of them should be able to. Aw. Poor Setheleh.
Poolside. Marissa sits on a lounge chair, and Ryan hurries to join her. She immediately clutches his shoulder as he apologizes for not being there today. She absolves him, but he adds that she has a lot to deal with in her future, and that they'll get through it together. They'll be fine. She says, "I...." and then looks inside the pool house to see Theresa making up the bed, as a good maid should. Ryan whispers, "What?" and she hesitantly continues, "I think we are gonna be fine." But they don't look so fine as the ominous music plays and they sit there, looking neither happy nor content nor fine.
Only two episodes are left this season, but they look like good ones! There's Vegas! There's a bachelor party! There are strippers dressed like firemen! Kirsten refuses to go to a place called the "petting zoo" (what? She doesn't like to hold nice furry little animals in her hand?), and Theresa won't drink because she may or may not be pregnant. Caleb manhandles Sandy, and Hailey manhandles Lady Heather. The catfighting women end up in the pool.