We open with a driveway shot of the Big House. It's dawn, and Ryan and Luke are bleary-eyed from searching for Marissa through the night. Luke -- who has suddenly become a brunet -- wants to stop, but Ryan won't give up: he suggests that Marissa would run to someplace she felt safe. And as much as I hate to say it, Ryan: duh. Then again, it's Marissa we're talking about. She's probably halfway to L.A. by now, ready to cash in on a job vacancy about which she recently became aware. Luke posits that Marissa might have called Seth, and Ryan hopefully adds that Seth might have already gone to get her. As they enter the pool house, they quickly determine that that didn't happen, since Seth is asleep, curled up cutely in the fetal position under a blanket. When Luke kicks him to wake him up (nice!), Seth jumps to a sitting position and mutters, "It's my precious. You can't have it." Hee. Luke accuses him of falling asleep, and Seth -- whose bed head is quite fetching -- insists that he was just "adjusting [his] back." Ryan and Luke inquire as to whether Marissa called, and Seth responds that even if he was sleeping, which he wasn't -- he was adjusting his back! -- he would have heard the phone. As he looks at the phone, he notes the peculiarity of a missed call. Ryan grabs the phone as Luke snits that they've been driving around all night "like idiots." Are idiots known for driving around all night? Is that a trademark of your basic idiot? When Seth counters that it's Luke's fault, Luke orders him to "shut up" because it was an "accident." Seth asks whether Luke accidentally slept with Lady Heather, or accidentally told Marissa about it. He follows up by advising Luke to "keep it in [his] board shorts time." Ryan announces that the call was from Marissa, who is okay but said not to follow her. In other words, "I'm needy! Come find me! And make it snappy!"
Lady Heather slithers up in the background wearing a bright orange shirt. And either she fell asleep in a tanning bed or ate a few million too many carrots because the woman is as orange as her shirt. She asks where Marissa is, and Ryan vows that she's not at the Big House. Disbelieving him, Lady Heather stomps inside, surveys the room, and then notices Luke and asks what's going on. Ryan awkwardly explains that Marissa ran away last night after their return from L.A., to which Lady Heather instantly rebuts, "Why? What did you do to her?" Ryan points out that he didn't do anything, but says Lady Heather did. Well, if we're getting technical about it, she did something to Luke. Luke interrupts to tell Lady Heather that "they know," and she snaps that he should "shut up," obviously still hoping to salvage their secret. I would so not have been allowed to watch this show when I was a kid: The Electric Company was forbidden because my mother swore she heard one of the characters say "shut up." Luke further explains about the motel sighting, and that Marissa knows, too. None of the boys will look Lady Heather in the eye throughout this disclosure, perhaps because they know that if they do, their balls will spontaneously shrivel up and fall off. That woman's got quite the glare on her. Still, she maintains her composure, asking the others to leave so she can "have a talk" with Ryan.
So Seth and Luke leave, and Lady Heather begins to lecture Ryan, but he cuts her off to say all he cares about is Marissa's safe return. And his new blow dryer, apparently. He's had quite the coiffure in the past two episodes. Lady Heather questions whether he really doesn't know where Marissa is; he knows she's okay, and that's it. Lady Heather snits over what she should do: the last time Marissa took off, she almost died! Lady Heather turns to call the police; Ryan stops her by asking what she'll tell them when they ask why Marissa left. Lady Heather reconsiders, and then insists that she should at least call Marissa's doctors. Ryan asks why -- so she can have Marissa locked up again? Lady Heather will do whatever it takes to keep Marissa from hurting herself! Ryan suggests that she should have thought of that before sleeping with Marissa's ex-boyfriend. Point. Lady Heather would love to stay and "chat" with Ryan, but she's got to find her daughter. Not if Ryan finds her first!
Tinkle.
Seth and Ryan emerge from the pool house in matching blue shirts, except Seth's has a logo on it and Ryan's doesn't. Ryan isn't quite the logo-shirt type, although I can see him working the whole "Kiss Me I'm From Chino" thing. Seth asks, "What's the G.P.R.A.?" then translates that it means, "What's the game plan, Ryan Atwood?" Ryan asks why Seth is talking in initials, and Seth claims it's to save time. Ryan points out that it doesn't save time if he has to translate everything, to which Seth responds, "G.P." Seth asks whether Ryan's plan is to keep "rid[ing] around Newport on [his] bike looking for Marissa's car" while Seth talks to Summer, and Ryan asks if he's got a better idea. Seth suggests that he might after breakfast, just as they walk into the Big House and an extravagant breakfast magically appears before them, Hogwarts-style. It turns out to be the work of Hailey, who has whipped up eggs, waffles, three different kinds of pancakes, a variety of fruits, and two cans of whipped cream. How many people live in the Big House, again? Seth asks about the occasion, and Hailey responds that she was pretty messed up the night and didn't have a chance to thank them for bringing her home. Kirsten enters and makes goo-goo eyes at the food, but Hailey missed a major chance to score points, as the table is sadly bereft of bacon. Seth enthuses that Hailey made three kinds of pancakes and waffles, which he declares "deliciously redundant." He then throws a blueberry at Kirsten, telling her they're "goooooood." I wish Adam Brody would throw a blueberry at me. I think that might be enough. Hailey serves up Kirsten's coffee as Kirsten notices that she's already reading the want ads. When Hailey responds that it's mostly restaurant gigs, since she has no other skills (none that are mentionable in mixed company, that is), Seth volunteers that he knows of a hostessing job at The Lighthouse! Kirsten agrees that it's a good idea, but suggests that they wait to ask Sandy when he's in a good mood.
We don't have to wait long to find out about Sandy's bad mood; he stalks into the kitchen and declares, "We have to get all the bread out of the house!" I know the feeling: the South Beach Diet put me in a pretty bad mood, too. Sandy paces the kitchen and dumps all carb products into a giant file box. When Kirsten draws his attention to the pancakes, he tells her to enjoy them now, because they only have two hours to "unleaven" the whole house. Ryan doesn't know what any of this means, and Sandy reveals that they're not on Phase I after all, but preparing for a visit from his mother. Because if she walks in and sees them eating pancakes on the first day of Passover, she'll plotz. Which, according to the Alternative Yiddish Dictionary, means "fall down dead right now," as opposed to "take a dump," which is what it sounds like it should mean to me. Seth mutters, "I love it when The Nana comes and suddenly Dad's all Jewish again." Hee. The boys hurry out of the kitchen, and Hailey follows. So who's going to eat all that food? Sandy roots through the fridge, asking whether they don't have any brisket in there somewhere. Kirsten points out that the Ackermans usually do the Seder dinner while the Cohens do the wine. Sandy divulges that he told his mother they were having Seder this year, which seems kind of rude to the Ackermans, if you ask me, since food for an extra six people requires extra work that exceeds one day's notice. Of course, it's probably Rosa's feisty, sexy sister Lupita who will have to prepare that feast. Sandy explains that he told his mother they host the Seder every year, and also that Kirsten converted. As Kirsten stares at him in disbelief, he says he's just kidding, but only about the conversion part. She scolds him, but he cuts her off to say she won't have to do anything: he'll shop, The Nana will cook, and the kids will help. When Kirsten asks whether they're just going to sit back and let The Nana take over the house, Sandy rebuts that she'll take over anyway; at least this way they'll get a decent meal out of it. Ah, mothers-in-law. Sandy tries to take the pancakes from Kirsten, but she hangs onto them with her Kung Fu Noopsie grip.
We join Seth in Summer's bedroom as he explains to her that although they don't know where Marissa is, Marissa did call to say she's okay. When Summer reveals that Marissa already called her, Seth can't believe Summer didn't tell him, but Summer explains that Marissa told her not to. Seth asks whether Summer knows where Marissa is; the answer is not, surprisingly enough, wedged into the half-inch space between Summer's box spring and mattress. When Summer suggests that all Marissa needs is time, Seth points out that they don't have time; his Nana gets into town today. Summer squeals, "Wait. Your nana? That is so sweet!" She enthuses over meeting The Nana, but Seth insists that she really doesn't want to do that. When Summer claims she loves old people -- "They're so cute" -- Seth rebuts that The Nana's not so cute, causing Summer to conclude, "Really? She's ugly." Hee. Seth says she's not ugly but scary, and Summer maintains that she can be scary too, so she can handle it. Seth doesn't think Summer can, though, because The Nana is judgmental, political, and opinionated. Summer's all, "And I'm dumb and shallow and have no opinion whatsoever?" She accuses Seth of being ashamed of her, and he sweetly insists that he's just being protective. He jumps off the bed and delivers a very sweet kiss to Summer's forehead before announcing that he's got to go pick up some stuff for the Seder. She's all, "The what now?" He slow-talks, "The Seder. For Passover." When Summer remains blank-faced, Seth concludes, "Yeah. You're not meeting The Nana."
In the Beautiful Blue Bedroom, Sandy changes the bed while Kirsten points out that Rosa just put new sheets on. Sandy knows, but thinks those sheets are too fancy. Kirsten counters that they are fancy -- seven hundred thread count, in fact. When Sandy explains that he doesn't want The Nana to know he's been sleeping on such luxury, Kirsten asks how she'll know, and Sandy suggests that she might check. Oh, my mother-in-law would so check; she also sneaks upstairs and goes through my suitcase to check the label on my pants whenever we visit because she likes to know what size I wear and apparently she can't trust my answer when she asks me to my face in front of the entire family. I wish I were kidding. My own (literal) baggage aside, Kirsten asks why The Nana would care about the thread count of their sheets, and Sandy exclaims that she's been a social worker in the Bronx for forty years, so whatever extra money she can scrape together goes to the ACLU or a woman's shelter -- not to fancy sheets. Kirsten points out that she's the one who bought them, which I'm guessing wouldn't count for much with The Nana. Sandy concludes that between Kirsten "with the sheets" and him going into private practice and opening his own restaurant, they're giving The Nana a lot to complain about. Kirsten suggests that it's called "success," but Sandy counters that it's not "success" to Sophie Cohen, or even in some case to Sandy Cohen. Kirsten has an even bigger scarf around her neck this week, further convincing me that Kelly Rowan is hiding something. And I'd pegged Hailey for the Adam's apple! In any case, Sandy posits that The Nana isn't coming for the holiday, but to stage an intervention to put him "back on the path to righteousness or -- in [his] mother's case -- self-righteousness." When Kirsten argues that The Nana just wants him to be happy, Sandy contends that she doesn't believe in happiness, because being happy just means you're not working hard enough. Kirsten gives up and heads off to find the sheets that "don't feel so fancy."
Jimmy stands outside The Big House nervously fidgeting around, probably because he's trying out a new color shirt having, in an unprecedented bold move, traded off navy blue for baby blue, and he's concerned about how it will go over. My tape fritzes to a quick clip of a Whitesnake video in which a skanky, big-haired woman poses in the doorway. Oh wait. That's just Hailey. Jimmy explains that he was on his way to The Lighthouse and wanted to see how Hailey was doing after the night's "big adventure." She winces that she's fine, but embarrassed. Jimmy insists that there's nothing wrong with a good strip club, and there's some banter about how he would or would not know that. When Jimmy asks about her plans, Hailey asks his opinion; he points out that she has family, friends, a place to stay, people who care about her, and an old babysitter and ex-boyfriend of her sister who wants to sleep with her right here in Newport! This show had better be careful -- in half a season, it's become more incestuous than the first five seasons of . Really, someone should diagram it. From inside, Kirsten yells for Hailey, interrupting Hailey and Jimmy's flirty revelry. Hailey invites Jimmy inside, but he's got to go to work. More banter follows about whether or not he and Hailey will see each other later. Somehow I think they will.
In the kitchen, Hailey and Kirsten unpack groceries together. Is that why Kirsten was calling Hailey? Because if it is, that's kind of obnoxious. Kirsten should unload her own damn groceries, or at least use her own damn maid to unload her own damn groceries. As Seth mopes at the counter, Ryan enters, asking if they want help. Although it makes Seth seem bratty, it also highlights how comfortable he is in his own home while Ryan is still playing the role of a guest who wants to make a good impression. Seth quickly tells Ryan they're fine without his help, and that he should take a seat. Sandy joins the group in the kitchen, looking for volunteers to go to the airport with him to fetch The Nana. He's met only by averted eyes. As Sandy pleads, Seth buries his head in his hands and sneaks a pointing finger in Ryan's direction. Hee. A desperate Sandy concludes, "You're not ready for The Nana, are you? Well, no one's ever ready for The Nana. That woman is scary."
We learn just how scary she is as a voice bellows out from the foyer. Sandy mutters, "It couldn't be," as the others look alarmed and -- in Ryan's case -- confused by the others' alarm. The voice continues whining that the front door is wide open and that "a person could walk in here, take everything, and kill us all!" Seth ominously concludes, "It is. It's The Nana." And these Cohens have a bit of a problem with being ambushed in their own home by their parents. Sandy runs to the foyer to greet his mother. How is she? And how are Mel and Flo and that lovable Vera? And Tommy? Oh, that Tommy. I always felt like I should have a crush on Tommy, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Those teeth! The Nana -- who is played by the spectacularly-good- in-this-role Linda Lavin -- explains that she took a taxi to surprise him, and then envelops him in a giant hug, calling him "sweetheart," which visibly shocks him. The Nana then admires Kirsten: "The hair and the nails, those classic features." Kirsten also gets a hug, and looks as confused as Sandy. Sophie moves on to Seth, complaining that he "never writes, never calls, 'cause he's too busy being chased by the California girls." Aw; she calls him "Sethleleh." The Nana proceeds to Ryan, exclaiming how happy she is to meet him, and welcoming him to the family. As she hugs him, she rocks back and forth a bit while Ryan stiffens in her arms. When The Nana greets Hailey -- "You, I don't know" -- Kirsten reminds The Nana that they've met before. The Nana recalls, "Oh, right. The bad seed." As she hugs Hailey, The Nana tells her, "I always liked you best. Don't tell the others." The Nana walks through the room, admiring the house, yard, and views of the ocean. She says, "I'm sorry but I just gotta say it --" before pausing dramatically and giving Sandy time to groan, "Here it comes." She continues: "California. Not so terrible!" The camera pans back to show the Cohen/Nichol family, frozen in a tableau of bewilderment.
The boys have returned to the pool house, and Ryan wants to get back to finding Marissa. Seth, however, is stuck on The Nana -- he doesn't know exactly who that woman was, but it wasn't The Nana! Ryan says that she was nice, and Seth insists that that's exactly it: The Nana's not nice. He adds, "I love her, but she's nuts. Kind of part of her charm." Seth hates to suggest that Marissa may be with Oliver, and Ryan reveals that he already spoke with Natalie at the hotel, who said that Oliver is still in the hospital. Seth still can't get over The Nana, and points out that she was even nice to his mother. He continues, "And The Nana has never exactly cared for The Kirsten." When Ryan asks why, Seth explains that "she's the Green Arrow to my mom's Hawkman." This does nothing to clarify things for Ryan, who throws up his flummoxed arms. Seth continues, "The Wolverine to her Cyclops, dude. Two people who have nothing in common suddenly getting along. It's not right. It's not natural." And with that, Ryan knows where Marissa is!
We return from the commercial to Chino. This show really needs a more believable Chino set. I mean, there are actually trees on this one. Theresa opens the door to her home and finds Ryan on her porch; she snits that it took him long enough, and that Marissa won't be happy to see him. Ryan can't believe Marissa went there, and neither can Theresa. I can, but only because every single one of Marissa's acts on this show to date has been both the opposite of rational and the embodiment of selfishness. When Ryan reprimands Theresa for not calling to let him know, she explains that Marissa told her not to. And what's with all the doing-as-Marissa-says, anyway? She probably forces them into compliance by threatening to cut them. With her jutting collarbone. As Ryan starts inside to get Marissa, Eddie appears behind him, toting a case of beer and asking Ryan what the hell he's doing in Chino on the "day of." Eddie orders him to stay away, then pushes past Theresa into the house. Ryan's all, "'Day of'? Day of what?" Their engagement party, of course!
Back at The Big House, Kirsten asks The Nana if Hailey can pick something up for The Nana? A dollar bill? A cigar? But as it turns out, Kirsten doesn't mean with Hailey's vagina, but at the store. The Nana insists that she's fine, and that whatever the Cohens do every year will be perfect. Sandy was hoping they could talk her into the "Sophie Cohen Special," with the brisket and the macaroons, but The Nana says she doesn't "do macaroons" anymore. Which is a shame, because who doesn't love a good macaroon? Sandy wheedles that it's Ryan's first Seder, and Seth tells him not to make that assumption: "They have Jews in Chino. Why do you think they want a P.F. Chang's?" Do Jews love P.F. Chang's? I don't even need to duck for that joke to go right over my head. Sophie likes that Ryan returns to his old neighborhood; she then segues to telling Sandy that she ran into Shawn Sullivan. We don't learn what good old Sully's up to these days, but I'd wager he's a drunken beat cop with fifteen kids and a beloved wife who died in childbirth. Since this show is so fond of the stereotypes. Sophie explains that Sully and Sandy used to "run in a gang together," and Seth's all, "Yeah? Bloods or Crips, Father?" Hee. When Sandy counters that it was "more of a youth group," Sophie explains that after her husband left the family, she had to work so much that Sandy was practically raised by the entire neighborhood. I didn't think there was a thing that could make me love the character of Sandy Cohen anymore, but there it is: scrappy little street urchin Sandy. Can't you just see him banging his wooden bowl on the table and leading a chorus of, "Food, Glorious Food"? Sandy snits that somebody had to raise him, and an awkward silence ensues, which is finally interrupted by Sophie, to Sandy's pleasant surprise, asking to see the new restaurant. The Nana hustles out of the kitchen to freshen up. Why do all grandmothers have such giant breasts? It's kind of disturbing. In an alarmed whisper Sandy asks, "Who is that woman?" to which Seth emphatically responds, "Not The Nana." When Kirsten points out that Sophie could have changed and may actually want be there, Sandy stares at her until she concedes that something must indeed be up. Sandy vows to find out what it is, and Kirsten begs him not to because, whoever she is, Kirsten loves her. The doorbell chimes, and The Nana cheerfully announces that she'll get it, causing further shocked reactions on the part of the Cohens in the kitchen. Sandy spins in a circle with his hands raised above his head as Kirsten begs him just to leave it alone.
It's Summer at the door, and she's wearing a knit skullcap that may or may not be a homage either to a yarmulke or to the departed Anna. She introduces herself to Nana with a "Shalom," and says she was just in the neighborhood and thought she could drop off some macaroons for tonight's Seder. The Nana coos over Summer's sweetness, saying she shouldn't have; Seth joins them and echoes The Nana's sentiment with an entirely different meaning to his delivery. The Nana asks if they're a couple, and Summer happily declares, "Yes we are!" while Seth, for some reason, appeared to be heading in different direction with his response. The Nana concludes that Summer will be joining them tonight, and suggests that she ask the Four Questions, which sadly will not include, "Why does Mischa Barton suck so much?" "But really, why does Mischa Barton suck so much?" and "Seriously. Mischa Barton sucks. Why is that?" and "Tell me again just how much Mischa Barton sucks." When The Nana says she was just getting her Hagadah to have copies made, Summer volunteers to do so for her: "I love a good Hagadah." Summer turns to Seth and explains, "You know it's the prayer book containing the Seder ritual?" The Nana concludes that "somebody knows her stuff," and tells Seth he's a lucky man. We get a close-up of The Nana squeezing his grimacing cheeks. When The Nana leaves, Summer swats Seth, because The Nana isn't scary at all! He says Summer's the one who's scary, "with the hitting and the cookies." Summer tells him he shouldn't worry that she'll embarrass him, because she's going to study the Hagadah so hard that she'll "out-Jew" him. As Summer leafs through the book, Seth tells her, "You're reading it backwards." Summer snits off with the Hagadah, in hand, and Seth yells after her, "Thanks for the cookies!"
Back in Chino, various people bustle about setting up for the party as Theresa reveals that the wedding is scheduled for June. Since sweeps is in May, we're due for at least one pre-wedding anxiety plotline. Ryan and Theresa exchange awkwards about what Theresa wants and how they've been meaning to call each other and Eddie's love for Theresa and Theresa's lack of love for Eddie. Theresa yells that Ryan can't just show up in Chino on the day of her engagement party and question her relationship. He didn't know it was the day of her engagement party, since she didn't bother to tell him! She didn't tell him because she knew he'd act this way! Ryan points out that Theresa ran away to Newport to get away from Eddie and then left without even calling Ryan, to which Theresa's all, "Yeah, like when you left Chino?" Well, where was Theresa when Ryan was desperately assaulting payphones, anyway? Theresa's mother emerges from the house, enthusiastically greeting Ryan: she knew he'd come if they invited him! Theresa explains that Ryan didn't come for the party, just as Marissa appears in the doorway to explain that he came for her. Of course he came for her. She's Marissa. But. She's not going anywhere!
The doorbell rings at The Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad. Hailey enters, bearing the file box loaded with pasta, cookies, and cupcakes "in all their leavened goodness." As she walks past Jimmy, he totally checks out her ass. He missed out, since it was on full display just last night. Hailey also bears an invitation to tonight's Seder dinner, "all courtesy of The Nana Cohen." When Jimmy says it's his lucky day, Hailey flirts that he has no idea. Smooching ensues, but not for long. Jimmy breaks way to say they can't do this. But Hailey thought since he showed up in L.A. and brought her back to Newport...? He explains that he was worried about her, but Kirsten is his best friend and Sandy is his business partner and the restaurant is all he has. She yells that he doesn't care about her, and he insists that he does. She agrees that he might, but not as much as he cares about Kirsten, Sandy, and the restaurant! She leaves in a huff of bad hair and acid-washed jeans. To be honest, I can't say with any certainty that Hailey actually wore acid-washed jeans in this scene, but if she didn't, she should have.
Back in Chino, we learn that they actually have flowers. But only carnations, so I'm not even sure if that counts. And orange carnations at that. Marissa arranges the orange flowers while wearing an orange shirt. The costumer must have really been into orange the week they shot this episode. Ryan appears behind her, announcing that everyone is worried about her, to which she's all, "Who? Luke? My mom?" He responds that it's over, but she points out that it's not over for her: she's still got to live with it, but she doesn't have to live in Newport. Ryan insists that she can't hide out in Chino forever, and she claims that she can for now, because Theresa has offered up Arturo's room as well as help in finding a job so that Marissa can save up some money to run away. Ryan reveals that Lady Heather has been threatening to call the police and the doctors and the Screen Actors Guild to have Marissa's union card revoked for bad acting. Marissa asks what Ryan wants her to do, since she can't go back! Well, he's not going back without her! Then she guesses he's not going back! It's all a bit redundant when put to paper.
The Nana and Sandy return to the Big House from their visit to The Lighthouse. Sandy is lamenting the unfinished state of the floors. Kirsten asks about the tour, and Sandy takes instant umbrage at The Nana's use of the word "nice." In response, The Nana adds a "very" and asks what he wants her to say. He says wants her to say what she really wants to say, since he's not buying "this Jewish Mary Poppins act." Was Mary Poppins categorically Christian? When Sandy asks why Sophie's really there, she reminds him that he invited her, and he counters that he invites her every year. She blames her caseload, which, he says, is exactly why he left the public defender's office -- to spend more time at home. When she snaps that that's not why he left his job, he adds that he also left so he'd have more resources to help the needy in the community. With this, The Nana vamps out: "You're not helping people! You're opening a restaurant!" She cuts off Kirsten's attempt to back up Sandy by snapping, "Who's talking to you?" Sandy orders The Nana not to talk to Kirsten like that in the Big House. Outside in the street, however, would be just fine. The Nana apologizes, and declares that Sandy won't have to put up with her much longer. Sandy interprets this as the typical maternal guilt trip, and heralds the return of "the Sophie Cohen we all know and love." Sophie asks if he thinks it's funny, because they'll see how funny it is when she's dead. Sandy nervously continues the joke, insisting that she'll outlive them all out of spite, whereupon the The Nana plays her card: Dr. Tally disagrees with Sandy; she's been diagnosed with advanced lung cancer and has only four to six months to live. Sad tinkles tinkle. Sophie asks if Sandy really wants to know why she came? She came to say goodbye!
Back in Chino, the editors have hauled out the old grey-toned ChinoCam. It's very Blair Witch. I hope Marissa goes and stands in the corner soon. Ryan emerges from the house fiddling with his cell phone just as Eddie rounds the corner, followed by his gang, which includes a black man with astonishingly big breasts. He's not even a grandmother! When Eddie asks why Ryan is still there, Ryan insists that he's only there for Marissa. Eddie bellows that neither he nor Marissa wants Ryan there; he's going inside, and Ryan had better be gone when Eddie gets back. Ryan maintains that he's not leaving without Marissa, and the big-boobied thug gets all up in his face then shoves him onto the sidewalk with a fey, open-palmed push. Ryan hits the sidewalk and rolls around for a little bit. We see a quick flash of stomach and tightie-whities, and if that happened every time, you could put me down for Ryan's getting his ass kicked more often. Nice tummy. Ryan's phone rings, and we see Lady Heather on the other end, now wearing an orange poncho. When Ryan refuses to tell her where Marissa is, she threatens to call the police and tell them he's holding Marissa against her will. She commands him to get Marissa home right now. Ryan hangs up and rolls around on the sidewalk some more.
At the Big House, Sandy begs Sophie to sit down so that they can talk, but The Nana only wants to talk about brisket. Kirsten helps The Nana with the oven door, and The Nana thanks her, delivering a back-handed, "Sandy said you were a lox in the kitchen." When Sandy asks The Nana not to change the subject, she insists that she's not talking, she's cooking. Sandy pleads that she can't just drop a bomb like that and not talk about it; why didn't she tell him? Sophie responds that she didn't want to tell Sandy, but that it slipped out, and no one else knows yet -- neither his sister nor his brother. She orders him not to tell anyone, especially not Seth. When Sandy insists that Seth deserves to know, The Nana snaps that it's her business, and she'll tell him when she's ready. Sandy asks what the doctor recommended for treatment, and The Nana asks what the point is? By the time she saw the doctor, the cancer had spread. Her voice quavers the smallest bit as she emphatically concludes, "So. That's that." Wow. I see where Sandy got his acting chops: he inherited them from his television mother. Sandy asks what she plans to do, and Sophie responds that she'll make dinner and enjoy what's left of the rest of her life; she hopes Sandy will do the same. Sandy suggests that she see a doctor in Newport, and The Nana says it's not going to happen. When Kirsten chimes in to point out that her mother had an incredible oncologist when she was sick with ovarian cancer, The Nana asks if Mrs. Nichol had the treatment with the chemo, the hair loss, and the nausea? Her voice breaks as she flatly asks if it worked. Kirsten admits that it didn't, and Sandy points out that it gave them a chance to spend more time with Kirsten's mother. The Nana asks why Sandy would want to spend more time with The Nana, since he left home at sixteen and moved all the way across the country. Sandy rebuts that he had a scholarship and a chance to make something of himself, and The Nana continues that he then married a woman whose father represents everything she's fought against her entire life! Sandy yelps that he married Kirsten for love -- not because of her father's politics or principles. At this point, Seth and Summer enter the house looking confused by all the yelling; Seth quickly ushers Summer upstairs. The Nana, meanwhile, throws a dishtowel and yells, "Oh, God! What am I doing here? I hate this state! I hate the sunshine! I hate the ocean! I hate Schwarzenegger!" And I just had a terrific idea for Terminator 4: Judgment By The Nana Day.
Back in Chino, Marissa has changed into -- what else? -- an orange dress. Ryan, a fan of the piercing collar- and hip bones, admires her, and she says that the dress is Theresa's. She notices a scratch on his arm, and apologizes for Ryan's getting beat up again. He insists that he's fine, but that they need to leave. What they need, Marissa says, is some alcohol to clean him up. She tells him they're not going anyway; he should just answer his ringing phone. Meanwhile, she'll go tell Eddie how he should act in his own home on his own special day.
It's Seth calling from his bedroom, where he and Summer lie side by side on their stomachs on his bed. She swings her legs around. It's cute. Seth tells Ryan to come home, because The Nana is scary again and everyone keeps asking for him. Ryan shares that Marissa won't leave, even though he's being threatened by both Eddie and Lady Heather. The things a man will do for a bony piece of ass. Meanwhile, Summer reads the Hagadah and perkily recites, "Why is this night different from all other nights?" Seth suggests that Ryan just come home since Marissa's fine, and now it's Lady Heather's problem. Ryan insists that he can't leave her there. Not in Chino! Never! Seth says Ryan can't stay either: "We have The Nana happening." Summer answers her own question, mispronouncing "chametz" and "matzah" as "chamis" and "matza." When Seth corrects her, she earnestly repeats the guttural "ch" sound. Ryan tells Seth that he'll try, and then Seth has to go because Summer is having a "Hebrew hernia."
At Lady Heather's house, Luke wants to apologize, but she can't believe that he's there because Caitlyn is in the kitchen! No one is allowed to see Caitlyn! She's hideous! Hideous, I tell you! Lady Heather insists that it's not Luke's fault: she's the grown-up -- the one who should have known better and who lost her daughter as a result. Luke asks whether she'll really have Marissa locked up, and Lady Heather says she doesn't know what else to do. Marissa's a kid who keeps running away and needs to be kept safe, so what other choice does Lady Heather have? Well, she could just roll over with Marissa's every whim and command like everyone else does, but she's immune to the power of the collarbone!
Outside the Big House, The Nana sits and smokes. Sandy approaches her, slows down when he sees the cigarette, and then speeds up to exclaim, "You gotta be kidding me!" She calls him "my darling," insisting that the only positive to having cancer is that she can smoke all she wants, and that he shouldn't ruin that for her. Sandy sits down and stares at his mother with condescension in his eyes; he announces that he called Dr. Tally, who said The Nana hasn't been returning his calls. In the background, we see Seth standing in the doorway, clearly within hearing range of their conversation. The Nana insists that she's been busy as Sandy continues that Dr. Tally said that although there's no cure, The Nana can slow down the progression of the disease with chemo and radiation. The Nana complains that the treatment will slow her down too, which Sandy doesn't think would be a bad thing. When The Nana insists that there are kids in the Bronx who are counting on her, Sandy counters that her own kids and grandkids are counting on her too. She asks what for, and he gently responds, "To be there. That's all." Sandy confesses that it was all he ever wanted from her, and when he left home so young, he was surprised that she even notices. She commends him on saying what a dying mother loves to hear, and then lights another defiant cigarette. Seth, meanwhile, bites his lips and looks sad. Aw. Sad Seth is just as cute as happy Seth. Sandy says that while The Nana was working all the time taking care of other people's kids, marching for causes, circulating petitions, and picketing city, it felt like she had no time for the family; she quickly corrects that it was his father who ran away, not her. As Sandy heads back inside, he leaves her with a dismissive "Enjoy your cigarette." The Nana can't enjoy it now, though, and stubs it out. She turns to notice Seth in the doorway. They briefly lock eyes before he turns and leaves.
Chino. Theresa wears a flower in her hair and emerges from the house, walking duck-footed and carrying a giant bowl of what looks like tamales. Well, it looks like a bunch of things, but on this show it's obviously tamales. Meanwhile, Marissa attempts to hold a healthy-looking eight-year-old who probably weighs more than she does, while Eddie pulls the girl's hair. I don't know why. I just recap it. Marissa joins Theresa, and they talk about the greatness of Eddie. Marissa also thinks Theresa is great, and she can't thank her enough, but is it really okay for her to stay there, particularly considering her history with Ryan? Theresa insists that Ryan is her oldest friend, but that's all he is. When Marissa snoops about what went down between Ryan and Theresa in Newport, Theresa claims it was just a mistake: she went to Ryan because she was afraid and he was safe, but when she returned to Chino and talked to Eddie, she realized that she had nothing to be afraid of. And neither, she says, does Marissa. Ryan hauls ice. Shouldn't ice melt in the Hell that is Chino? Theresa points out that Ryan didn't come here for Theresa; he came for Marissa. Of course he did.
Eddie, looking positively satanic -- his hair might even be twisted into shampoo horns in this scene -- points out that Ryan is still at the party, and Ryan snits that it's not his choice. Eddie says it's too bad, and hands Ryan a beer. Obviously, Marissa has talked to him and smoothed things over, because she's so good at avoiding conflict and problem-solving. Eddie admits that he's been thinking a lot about their "old crew." With both Trey and Arturo in jail (when did that happen? Over the car-parts heist, perhaps?), he and Ryan are the only ones left. Ryan thought Eddie didn't want him there, though. Eddie responds that Marissa talked to him and explained that Ryan's not there for Theresa. When Ryan laments that Marissa doesn't want him there, Eddie points out that of all the places she could have gone, she picked the one place only Ryan could find her.
Seth lies on his bed, clutching a pillow and looking sad. The Nana knocks at the door, calling for "Setheleh." She offers to save him the "shlep" of coming downstairs and asks if "a person" can come in. The Nana creeps inside, and we learn that Summer went home to change out of her skullcap for dinner. Seth snits over whether The Nana planned on telling him about her illness, and she admits that she didn't want to if she could help it. He asks if she thought he couldn't handle it, and she says she knew he could, but didn't know about herself. She adds that she wanted to spend this last time together getting to know him, but not as The Dying Nana with whom every conversation could be the last. He asks if that isn't true, though, and she says that it's always true -- cancer or not. When she says they could all be dead tomorrow, he commends her on the "comforting" sentiment. The Nanas asks about "Seth Cohen": does he like comic books? Music? Videos? He does, but he thinks it all seems trivial compared to cancer, which she points out is exactly why she didn't want to tell him. He asks whether she won't even consider chemo, and she responds that it's very complicated. When Seth earnestly asks if she's afraid, and she asks what he thinks. He doesn't know, but Sandy always says she's not afraid of anything. The Nana tells him, "Your dad doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does." She touches a hand to Seth's face; in response, he takes her hand. He points out that she's the one who doesn't want to stick around, so whose fault is that? Yeah. I mean, who wouldn't want to stick around Adam Brody?
Is it possible that the world's skinniest girl can don the world's most unflattering dress and suddenly look like she's got a big ass? Marissa stands with her arms crossed and back to the food, watching Theresa and Eddie's engagement photo shoot. There's a concrete wall in the background to remind us that this is Chino where, for every happy party, there's also a dead end. Ryan approaches and asks what Marissa thinks of Chino; she jokes that she can get into more trouble where she's from. He apologizes for everything, and insists that they need to get back, because the longer they stay, the worse it will get. Seriously. The winged, fire-breathing Chino monsters should come screeching out of the nearby portal-to-a-Hell-dimension any minute now. Marissa asks how the situation could get worse, and Ryan points out that she could be committed. She snits that they'll have to find her first. And good luck, because there are plenty of flagpoles and lampposts in this world for her to hide behind!
Marissa stomps away to some sort of shack/guest room and changes her clothes in front of Ryan. She doesn't know where's she's going! She doesn't know what she's doing! But she can't go back there! I don't know where she's going! And I don't know what she's doing! But I shouldn't have to look at her painful shoulder blades while the issue is being settled! Ryan insists that she can't keep running away, and he can't keep chasing after her. She points out that she didn't ask him to, and wonders why he's even there. He yells -- really yells -- that maybe she should think about his reasons for once instead of always thinking about herself. She tries to shove past him, but he blocks her path. They have a shoving match as she keeps screaming for him to get out of her way, until she finally collapses into his arms, sobbing that she can't go back there. His eyes closed, Ryan insists that it's okay. A knock at the door asks if Ryan's in there, and shouldn't all of Chino know that Ryan's in there after all the screaming? I mean, we can hear the speaking voice of a woman outside announcing that Ryan has a visitor, so shouldn't all of the guests outside been able to hear Marissa's shrieky hissyfit? Then again, they've grown immune to the sounds of pain and anguish in Chino. Anyway, Luke turns out to be the mysterious visitor, and he's there to bring Marissa home!
Back from commercial, and Ryan mandates that Luke can't be there. Luke reveals that Lady Heather isn't joking around (is she ever?) and is really planning on calling the police. Ryan points out that, aside from Lady Heather, Luke is the last person Marissa wants to see. Luke's all, "Yeah, well, she's gonna!" Luke and Ryan commence their very own shoving match which does not, however, end with Luke's collapsing into Ryan's arms, sobbing that he can't go back there. Eddie breaks up the fight: it's his engagement party and they need to calm down. That whole "it's my party" shtick hasn't really worked out all that well for him so far. Marissa emerges from the guest shack and orders Ryan to get away from Luke. She bitch-slaps Luke, while everyone at the party stares and Eddie attempts to stifle a smirk. Marissa orders Luke to leave, and asks if Lady Heather said that she's crazy and the whole thing is in her head? That'd be a pretty big scam for Lady Heather to pull off: convincing Luke that they never slept together and that it's all a giant figment of Marissa's imagination. Luke insists that it's not what Marissa thinks, but she orders him again to go. So he does, but not without a flip of his pretty, pretty hair.
The Big House. As Kirsten sets the table, Summer clomps in, announcing that it smells good, and do they really have to wait to eat for six hours? Kirsten asks whether The Nana's Seder can really last that long, and Summer asks, "Have you seen her Hagadah?" Rachel Bilson clearly delights in saying the word "Hagadah." Kirsten responds with an "Oy," and then tells Summer not to tell anyone. Summer whines that being Jewish is hard, and Kirsten says, "You chave[sic] no idea," in a Yiddish-type accent. Summer chomps on a carrot, putting Bugs Bunny to shame with her carrot-chomping adorability. Summer sweetly asks if Kirsten knows what happened to "make The Nana scary again," just as The Nana enters the room. Summer scurries off in fear, explaining that she's got to go study and that she'll see them at "dinner. Seder. Sorry." The Nana asks what they were talking about, and accuses Kirsten of telling Summer her secret. Kirsten insists that she'd never do that, and that they were talking about "how scary" The Nana is. The Nana admits that she is scary, and Kirsten agrees that she would be, too, if she got sick and suddenly had to depend on her kids. The Nana counters that the difference is that she isn't going to be dependent on her kids. Kirsten responds, "No. You'd rather die." The Nana admires Kirsten's honesty; she didn't know Kirsten had it in her. Kirsten points out that's because The Nana never wanted to know Kirsten, and it cost The Nana her own son. The Nana claims that Sandy made a choice, and Kirsten contends that The Nana can make a choice, too: get some treatment and spend time with Sandy and her grandson, or if that's not important to her...? The Nana concludes that Kirsten is guilting her, and asks if Kirsten's sure she's not Jewish.
Ryan sits at a table and sulks; he's joined by Theresa, who proclaims that while Marissa is doing well, Luke is going to have a handprint on his face for a week! Ryan apologizes for showing up and ruining the party, and Theresa's all, "Hey. Does it look ruined to you?" Besides, Theresa tells Ryan, she would have kicked his ass if he had missed her engagement party. She admits that she should have invited him, and he tells her to invite him to the wedding. Aw. Theresa tells him to bring Marissa. Not so "aw." Eddie and Marissa join them, offering up cake, but Ryan has to get back for dinner with the Cohens. Theresa looks sad to hear this, and tells the two they can stay as long as they want. She hints at Eddie that her mother needs help in the kitchen. Through a mouthful of green icing, he whines, "I'm eating cake!" which she counters with, "No, you're not," before dragging him inside. As he trails after, he turns back to grinningly point out that he's not even married yet, but she's already bossing him around. I think there needs to be a spin-off sitcom about Theresa and Eddie. Maybe they could both get jobs at a P.F. Chang's and there could be lots of hysterical P.F. Chang-loving Jews there. Big laughs, people!
Marissa insists again that she doesn't want to go back, and Ryan points out that she didn't do anything wrong and everyone knows that. He insists that Lady Heather is afraid Marissa is going to tell, and Marissa asks why she'd do that. She doesn't want to see them again and she doesn't want to go back! Ryan reminds her that Jimmy, Caitlyn, and Summer are waiting for her back in Newport. He sweetly asks what he'll do without her, joking that he would get over her eventually, but that it could take a while. She laughs because it's obviously a joke: who ever gets over Marissa?
Back at the Big House, The Nana carries a dish through the kitchen, announcing that she couldn't find an actual Seder plate, so she's making do. Sandy fesses up that they've never hosted a Seder before, but had reason to this year, with both The Nana and Ryan in the picture. The Nana says she's been working with kids like Ryan for forty years, but that she never once thought to bring one home with her; she jokes that Sandy had to show up his mother. With obvious pride, Sandy tells her that Ryan is a good kid, and suggests that she spend some time with him. The Nana says she can't, because she's flying home early the day. Before Sandy can react, The Nana adds that he wouldn't want her to miss her first cancer treatment, would he? Sandy sweeps her into a hug, and then points out that she could have her treatment in Newport. She can't, though, because she likes Dr. Tally, her other children are back home, and "you know how I hate California." Sandy offers to visit, and she guilts that it's the least he can do as she goes through chemo. She gently pats his face, and then caresses his shoulder. And why does "caress" seem like such a dirty word? As The Nana leaves, Sandy touches his hand briefly to his face, and then to his heart. It's the briefest moment, and so perfect. Many kudos to Peter Gallagher and Linda Lavin for their work in this episode. It almost makes up for Alice. Man, did I hate that show.
Ryan and Marissa pull up outside Lady Heather's house, and Ryan asks if she's sure she wants to do this. Marissa insists that she has to, because her clothes are inside. Wouldn't her clothes be at The Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, since that's where she actually lives? The editors of this episode seem to have forgotten that completely. Lady Heather hurries outside, thanking God that Marissa is back, but Marissa snits that she only came to get her stuff and go. When Lady Heather declares that she's not going anywhere, Marissa urges her to call the doctors or police, and while she's at it to call Jimmy and Caleb too, since Marissa would really like to tell them why she ran away. Lady Heather tells her to get her stuff and go, to which Marissa's all, "Gladly."
door at The Big House, Jimmy shows up with a "holiday-appropriate bouquet." Hailey and her death-metal hair greet him, and he admits that he gave what she said a lot of thought as he ate the cupcakes and an entire box of cookies. He says that she's right, and she says that he's right, and he asks whether she's sure, since that's rarely the case. Hailey points out that she and Kirsten are finally getting along, and that she has a second chance with Caleb, so why should she risk that? According to Jimmy, Hailey should because it would be fun and because he's "totally self-destructive" and also because she's incredible and he can't help himself. Thoroughly wooed, Hailey asks if they're really going to do this. He points out that they already are. In order to avoid "sustaining bodily injuries" from Kirsten, though, they agree that she doesn't need to know right away.
In the pool house, Summer recites another passage from the Hagadah, and Seth rouses himself from his comic book to disbelievingly ask if she just said it all by heart? She self-consciously asks if it was okay, and he kisses her as he says that it was perfect. Aw. He then points out that it's okay if she uses the book; didn't he tell her that? She squeals at him, and he calls her something that sounds like his "little heifer," but can't be since it results in giggling as opposed to in a rage blackout. Marissa and Ryan show up, and Summer rushes over to confirm that Marissa's okay. Seth asks if they saw Luke, and Ryan says they did, but that they won't be seeing him much anymore because Marissa smacked him. Summer congratulates Marissa with a "Nice, Coop!" and Seth concludes, "Well, I guess she's been hanging out with [Ryan] too much." Sandy collects them to eat, and as they leave the pool house together, he swings an arm around Ryan and asks how everything was "at home." Ryan responds, "You tell me. I was in Chino." Aw. Aw!
We join the Cohen dinner table as Sandy reads a lovely passage about celebrating rebirth, new beginnings, and freedom, while taking responsibility for ourselves, our families, our communities, and the world. Throughout the reading, he glances happily over at The Nana. As he finishes the passage, Ryan asks, "Do we eat now?" Seth tells him to "strap in," because it will last about six more hours. As the camera pans away through a window, we see that all the men are wearing yarmulkes and that Jimmy and Hailey are holding hands under the table, but not that Hailey's wearing pasties and a g-string.
There are only four episodes of The O.C. left this season, and in at least one of them, Ryan and Marissa kiss. No! Caleb declares his desire to marry Lady Heather, which Kirsten calls an "unholy alliance." Hee. Jimmy and Sandy argue, and someone -- not Marissa, sadly -- ends up on a stretcher.