The Nana

We open with a driveway shot of the Big House. It's dawn, and Ryan and Luke are bleary-eyed from searching for Marissa through the night. Luke -- who has suddenly become a brunet -- wants to stop, but Ryan won't give up: he suggests that Marissa would run to someplace she felt safe. And as much as I hate to say it, Ryan: duh. Then again, it's Marissa we're talking about. She's probably halfway to L.A. by now, ready to cash in on a job vacancy about which she recently became aware. Luke posits that Marissa might have called Seth, and Ryan hopefully adds that Seth might have already gone to get her. As they enter the pool house, they quickly determine that that didn't happen, since Seth is asleep, curled up cutely in the fetal position under a blanket. When Luke kicks him to wake him up (nice!), Seth jumps to a sitting position and mutters, "It's my precious. You can't have it." Hee. Luke accuses him of falling asleep, and Seth -- whose bed head is quite fetching -- insists that he was just "adjusting [his] back." Ryan and Luke inquire as to whether Marissa called, and Seth responds that even if he was sleeping, which he wasn't -- he was adjusting his back! -- he would have heard the phone. As he looks at the phone, he notes the peculiarity of a missed call. Ryan grabs the phone as Luke snits that they've been driving around all night "like idiots." Are idiots known for driving around all night? Is that a trademark of your basic idiot? When Seth counters that it's Luke's fault, Luke orders him to "shut up" because it was an "accident." Seth asks whether Luke accidentally slept with Lady Heather, or accidentally told Marissa about it. He follows up by advising Luke to "keep it in [his] board shorts time." Ryan announces that the call was from Marissa, who is okay but said not to follow her. In other words, "I'm needy! Come find me! And make it snappy!"

Lady Heather slithers up in the background wearing a bright orange shirt. And either she fell asleep in a tanning bed or ate a few million too many carrots because the woman is as orange as her shirt. She asks where Marissa is, and Ryan vows that she's not at the Big House. Disbelieving him, Lady Heather stomps inside, surveys the room, and then notices Luke and asks what's going on. Ryan awkwardly explains that Marissa ran away last night after their return from L.A., to which Lady Heather instantly rebuts, "Why? What did you do to her?" Ryan points out that he didn't do anything, but says Lady Heather did. Well, if we're getting technical about it, she did something to Luke. Luke interrupts to tell Lady Heather that "they know," and she snaps that he should "shut up," obviously still hoping to salvage their secret. I would so not have been allowed to watch this show when I was a kid: The Electric Company was forbidden because my mother swore she heard one of the characters say "shut up." Luke further explains about the motel sighting, and that Marissa knows, too. None of the boys will look Lady Heather in the eye throughout this disclosure, perhaps because they know that if they do, their balls will spontaneously shrivel up and fall off. That woman's got quite the glare on her. Still, she maintains her composure, asking the others to leave so she can "have a talk" with Ryan.

So Seth and Luke leave, and Lady Heather begins to lecture Ryan, but he cuts her off to say all he cares about is Marissa's safe return. And his new blow dryer, apparently. He's had quite the coiffure in the past two episodes. Lady Heather questions whether he really doesn't know where Marissa is; he knows she's okay, and that's it. Lady Heather snits over what she should do: the last time Marissa took off, she almost died! Lady Heather turns to call the police; Ryan stops her by asking what she'll tell them when they ask why Marissa left. Lady Heather reconsiders, and then insists that she should at least call Marissa's doctors. Ryan asks why -- so she can have Marissa locked up again? Lady Heather will do whatever it takes to keep Marissa from hurting herself! Ryan suggests that she should have thought of that before sleeping with Marissa's ex-boyfriend. Point. Lady Heather would love to stay and "chat" with Ryan, but she's got to find her daughter. Not if Ryan finds her first!

Tinkle.

Seth and Ryan emerge from the pool house in matching blue shirts, except Seth's has a logo on it and Ryan's doesn't. Ryan isn't quite the logo-shirt type, although I can see him working the whole "Kiss Me I'm From Chino" thing. Seth asks, "What's the G.P.R.A.?" then translates that it means, "What's the game plan, Ryan Atwood?" Ryan asks why Seth is talking in initials, and Seth claims it's to save time. Ryan points out that it doesn't save time if he has to translate everything, to which Seth responds, "G.P." Seth asks whether Ryan's plan is to keep "rid[ing] around Newport on [his] bike looking for Marissa's car" while Seth talks to Summer, and Ryan asks if he's got a better idea. Seth suggests that he might after breakfast, just as they walk into the Big House and an extravagant breakfast magically appears before them, Hogwarts-style. It turns out to be the work of Hailey, who has whipped up eggs, waffles, three different kinds of pancakes, a variety of fruits, and two cans of whipped cream. How many people live in the Big House, again? Seth asks about the occasion, and Hailey responds that she was pretty messed up the night and didn't have a chance to thank them for bringing her home. Kirsten enters and makes goo-goo eyes at the food, but Hailey missed a major chance to score points, as the table is sadly bereft of bacon. Seth enthuses that Hailey made three kinds of pancakes and waffles, which he declares "deliciously redundant." He then throws a blueberry at Kirsten, telling her they're "goooooood." I wish Adam Brody would throw a blueberry at me. I think that might be enough. Hailey serves up Kirsten's coffee as Kirsten notices that she's already reading the want ads. When Hailey responds that it's mostly restaurant gigs, since she has no other skills (none that are mentionable in mixed company, that is), Seth volunteers that he knows of a hostessing job at The Lighthouse! Kirsten agrees that it's a good idea, but suggests that they wait to ask Sandy when he's in a good mood.

We don't have to wait long to find out about Sandy's bad mood; he stalks into the kitchen and declares, "We have to get all the bread out of the house!" I know the feeling: the South Beach Diet put me in a pretty bad mood, too. Sandy paces the kitchen and dumps all carb products into a giant file box. When Kirsten draws his attention to the pancakes, he tells her to enjoy them now, because they only have two hours to "unleaven" the whole house. Ryan doesn't know what any of this means, and Sandy reveals that they're not on Phase I after all, but preparing for a visit from his mother. Because if she walks in and sees them eating pancakes on the first day of Passover, she'll plotz. Which, according to the Alternative Yiddish Dictionary, means "fall down dead right now," as opposed to "take a dump," which is what it sounds like it should mean to me. Seth mutters, "I love it when The Nana comes and suddenly Dad's all Jewish again." Hee. The boys hurry out of the kitchen, and Hailey follows. So who's going to eat all that food? Sandy roots through the fridge, asking whether they don't have any brisket in there somewhere. Kirsten points out that the Ackermans usually do the Seder dinner while the Cohens do the wine. Sandy divulges that he told his mother they were having Seder this year, which seems kind of rude to the Ackermans, if you ask me, since food for an extra six people requires extra work that exceeds one day's notice. Of course, it's probably Rosa's feisty, sexy sister Lupita who will have to prepare that feast. Sandy explains that he told his mother they host the Seder every year, and also that Kirsten converted. As Kirsten stares at him in disbelief, he says he's just kidding, but only about the conversion part. She scolds him, but he cuts her off to say she won't have to do anything: he'll shop, The Nana will cook, and the kids will help. When Kirsten asks whether they're just going to sit back and let The Nana take over the house, Sandy rebuts that she'll take over anyway; at least this way they'll get a decent meal out of it. Ah, mothers-in-law. Sandy tries to take the pancakes from Kirsten, but she hangs onto them with her Kung Fu Noopsie grip.

We join Seth in Summer's bedroom as he explains to her that although they don't know where Marissa is, Marissa did call to say she's okay. When Summer reveals that Marissa already called her, Seth can't believe Summer didn't tell him, but Summer explains that Marissa told her not to. Seth asks whether Summer knows where Marissa is; the answer is not, surprisingly enough, wedged into the half-inch space between Summer's box spring and mattress. When Summer suggests that all Marissa needs is time, Seth points out that they don't have time; his Nana gets into town today. Summer squeals, "Wait. Your nana? That is so sweet!" She enthuses over meeting The Nana, but Seth insists that she really doesn't want to do that. When Summer claims she loves old people -- "They're so cute" -- Seth rebuts that The Nana's not so cute, causing Summer to conclude, "Really? She's ugly." Hee. Seth says she's not ugly but scary, and Summer maintains that she can be scary too, so she can handle it. Seth doesn't think Summer can, though, because The Nana is judgmental, political, and opinionated. Summer's all, "And I'm dumb and shallow and have no opinion whatsoever?" She accuses Seth of being ashamed of her, and he sweetly insists that he's just being protective. He jumps off the bed and delivers a very sweet kiss to Summer's forehead before announcing that he's got to go pick up some stuff for the Seder. She's all, "The what now?" He slow-talks, "The Seder. For Passover." When Summer remains blank-faced, Seth concludes, "Yeah. You're not meeting The Nana."

In the Beautiful Blue Bedroom, Sandy changes the bed while Kirsten points out that Rosa just put new sheets on. Sandy knows, but thinks those sheets are too fancy. Kirsten counters that they are fancy -- seven hundred thread count, in fact. When Sandy explains that he doesn't want The Nana to know he's been sleeping on such luxury, Kirsten asks how she'll know, and Sandy suggests that she might check. Oh, my mother-in-law would so check; she also sneaks upstairs and goes through my suitcase to check the label on my pants whenever we visit because she likes to know what size I wear and apparently she can't trust my answer when she asks me to my face in front of the entire family. I wish I were kidding. My own (literal) baggage aside, Kirsten asks why The Nana would care about the thread count of their sheets, and Sandy exclaims that she's been a social worker in the Bronx for forty years, so whatever extra money she can scrape together goes to the ACLU or a woman's shelter -- not to fancy sheets. Kirsten points out that she's the one who bought them, which I'm guessing wouldn't count for much with The Nana. Sandy concludes that between Kirsten "with the sheets" and him going into private practice and opening his own restaurant, they're giving The Nana a lot to complain about. Kirsten suggests that it's called "success," but Sandy counters that it's not "success" to Sophie Cohen, or even in some case to Sandy Cohen. Kirsten has an even bigger scarf around her neck this week, further convincing me that Kelly Rowan is hiding something. And I'd pegged Hailey for the Adam's apple! In any case, Sandy posits that The Nana isn't coming for the holiday, but to stage an intervention to put him "back on the path to righteousness or -- in [his] mother's case -- self-righteousness." When Kirsten argues that The Nana just wants him to be happy, Sandy contends that she doesn't believe in happiness, because being happy just means you're not working hard enough. Kirsten gives up and heads off to find the sheets that "don't feel so fancy."

Jimmy stands outside The Big House nervously fidgeting around, probably because he's trying out a new color shirt having, in an unprecedented bold move, traded off navy blue for baby blue, and he's concerned about how it will go over. My tape fritzes to a quick clip of a Whitesnake video in which a skanky, big-haired woman poses in the doorway. Oh wait. That's just Hailey. Jimmy explains that he was on his way to The Lighthouse and wanted to see how Hailey was doing after the night's "big adventure." She winces that she's fine, but embarrassed. Jimmy insists that there's nothing wrong with a good strip club, and there's some banter about how he would or would not know that. When Jimmy asks about her plans, Hailey asks his opinion; he points out that she has family, friends, a place to stay, people who care about her, and an old babysitter and ex-boyfriend of her sister who wants to sleep with her right here in Newport! This show had better be careful -- in half a season, it's become more incestuous than the first five seasons of . Really, someone should diagram it. From inside, Kirsten yells for Hailey, interrupting Hailey and Jimmy's flirty revelry. Hailey invites Jimmy inside, but he's got to go to work. More banter follows about whether or not he and Hailey will see each other later. Somehow I think they will.

In the kitchen, Hailey and Kirsten unpack groceries together. Is that why Kirsten was calling Hailey? Because if it is, that's kind of obnoxious. Kirsten should unload her own damn groceries, or at least use her own damn maid to unload her own damn groceries. As Seth mopes at the counter, Ryan enters, asking if they want help. Although it makes Seth seem bratty, it also highlights how comfortable he is in his own home while Ryan is still playing the role of a guest who wants to make a good impression. Seth quickly tells Ryan they're fine without his help, and that he should take a seat. Sandy joins the group in the kitchen, looking for volunteers to go to the airport with him to fetch The Nana. He's met only by averted eyes. As Sandy pleads, Seth buries his head in his hands and sneaks a pointing finger in Ryan's direction. Hee. A desperate Sandy concludes, "You're not ready for The Nana, are you? Well, no one's ever ready for The Nana. That woman is scary."

We learn just how scary she is as a voice bellows out from the foyer. Sandy mutters, "It couldn't be," as the others look alarmed and -- in Ryan's case -- confused by the others' alarm. The voice continues whining that the front door is wide open and that "a person could walk in here, take everything, and kill us all!" Seth ominously concludes, "It is. It's The Nana." And these Cohens have a bit of a problem with being ambushed in their own home by their parents. Sandy runs to the foyer to greet his mother. How is she? And how are Mel and Flo and that lovable Vera? And Tommy? Oh, that Tommy. I always felt like I should have a crush on Tommy, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Those teeth! The Nana -- who is played by the spectacularly-good- in-this-role Linda Lavin -- explains that she took a taxi to surprise him, and then envelops him in a giant hug, calling him "sweetheart," which visibly shocks him. The Nana then admires Kirsten: "The hair and the nails, those classic features." Kirsten also gets a hug, and looks as confused as Sandy. Sophie moves on to Seth, complaining that he "never writes, never calls, 'cause he's too busy being chased by the California girls." Aw; she calls him "Sethleleh." The Nana proceeds to Ryan, exclaiming how happy she is to meet him, and welcoming him to the family. As she hugs him, she rocks back and forth a bit while Ryan stiffens in her arms. When The Nana greets Hailey -- "You, I don't know" -- Kirsten reminds The Nana that they've met before. The Nana recalls, "Oh, right. The bad seed." As she hugs Hailey, The Nana tells her, "I always liked you best. Don't tell the others." The Nana walks through the room, admiring the house, yard, and views of the ocean. She says, "I'm sorry but I just gotta say it --" before pausing dramatically and giving Sandy time to groan, "Here it comes." She continues: "California. Not so terrible!" The camera pans back to show the Cohen/Nichol family, frozen in a tableau of bewilderment.

The boys have returned to the pool house, and Ryan wants to get back to finding Marissa. Seth, however, is stuck on The Nana -- he doesn't know exactly who that woman was, but it wasn't The Nana! Ryan says that she was nice, and Seth insists that that's exactly it: The Nana's not nice. He adds, "I love her, but she's nuts. Kind of part of her charm." Seth hates to suggest that Marissa may be with Oliver, and Ryan reveals that he already spoke with Natalie at the hotel, who said that Oliver is still in the hospital. Seth still can't get over The Nana, and points out that she was even nice to his mother. He continues, "And The Nana has never exactly cared for The Kirsten." When Ryan asks why, Seth explains that "she's the Green Arrow to my mom's Hawkman." This does nothing to clarify things for Ryan, who throws up his flummoxed arms. Seth continues, "The Wolverine to her Cyclops, dude. Two people who have nothing in common suddenly getting along. It's not right. It's not natural." And with that, Ryan knows where Marissa is!

We return from the commercial to Chino. This show really needs a more believable Chino set. I mean, there are actually trees on this one. Theresa opens the door to her home and finds Ryan on her porch; she snits that it took him long enough, and that Marissa won't be happy to see him. Ryan can't believe Marissa went there, and neither can Theresa. I can, but only because every single one of Marissa's acts on this show to date has been both the opposite of rational and the embodiment of selfishness. When Ryan reprimands Theresa for not calling to let him know, she explains that Marissa told her not to. And what's with all the doing-as-Marissa-says, anyway? She probably forces them into compliance by threatening to cut them. With her jutting collarbone. As Ryan starts inside to get Marissa, Eddie appears behind him, toting a case of beer and asking Ryan what the hell he's doing in Chino on the "day of." Eddie orders him to stay away, then pushes past Theresa into the house. Ryan's all, "'Day of'? Day of what?" Their engagement party, of course!

Back at The Big House, Kirsten asks The Nana if Hailey can pick something up for The Nana? A dollar bill? A cigar? But as it turns out, Kirsten doesn't mean with Hailey's vagina, but at the store. The Nana insists that she's fine, and that whatever the Cohens do every year will be perfect. Sandy was hoping they could talk her into the "Sophie Cohen Special," with the brisket and the macaroons, but The Nana says she doesn't "do macaroons" anymore. Which is a shame, because who doesn't love a good macaroon? Sandy wheedles that it's Ryan's first Seder, and Seth tells him not to make that assumption: "They have Jews in Chino. Why do you think they want a P.F. Chang's?" Do Jews love P.F. Chang's? I don't even need to duck for that joke to go right over my head. Sophie likes that Ryan returns to his old neighborhood; she then segues to telling Sandy that she ran into Shawn Sullivan. We don't learn what good old Sully's up to these days, but I'd wager he's a drunken beat cop with fifteen kids and a beloved wife who died in childbirth. Since this show is so fond of the stereotypes. Sophie explains that Sully and Sandy used to "run in a gang together," and Seth's all, "Yeah? Bloods or Crips, Father?" Hee. When Sandy counters that it was "more of a youth group," Sophie explains that after her husband left the family, she had to work so much that Sandy was practically raised by the entire neighborhood. I didn't think there was a thing that could make me love the character of Sandy Cohen anymore, but there it is: scrappy little street urchin Sandy. Can't you just see him banging his wooden bowl on the table and leading a chorus of, "Food, Glorious Food"? Sandy snits that somebody had to raise him, and an awkward silence ensues, which is finally interrupted by Sophie, to Sandy's pleasant surprise, asking to see the new restaurant. The Nana hustles out of the kitchen to freshen up. Why do all grandmothers have such giant breasts? It's kind of disturbing. In an alarmed whisper Sandy asks, "Who is that woman?" to which Seth emphatically responds, "Not The Nana." When Kirsten points out that Sophie could have changed and may actually want be there, Sandy stares at her until she concedes that something must indeed be up. Sandy vows to find out what it is, and Kirsten begs him not to because, whoever she is, Kirsten loves her. The doorbell chimes, and The Nana cheerfully announces that she'll get it, causing further shocked reactions on the part of the Cohens in the kitchen. Sandy spins in a circle with his hands raised above his head as Kirsten begs him just to leave it alone.

It's Summer at the door, and she's wearing a knit skullcap that may or may not be a homage either to a yarmulke or to the departed Anna. She introduces herself to Nana with a "Shalom," and says she was just in the neighborhood and thought she could drop off some macaroons for tonight's Seder. The Nana coos over Summer's sweetness, saying she shouldn't have; Seth joins them and echoes The Nana's sentiment with an entirely different meaning to his delivery. The Nana asks if they're a couple, and Summer happily declares, "Yes we are!" while Seth, for some reason, appeared to be heading in different direction with his response. The Nana concludes that Summer will be joining them tonight, and suggests that she ask the Four Questions, which sadly will not include, "Why does Mischa Barton suck so much?" "But really, why does Mischa Barton suck so much?" and "Seriously. Mischa Barton sucks. Why is that?" and "Tell me again just how much Mischa Barton sucks." When The Nana says she was just getting her Hagadah to have copies made, Summer volunteers to do so for her: "I love a good Hagadah." Summer turns to Seth and explains, "You know it's the prayer book containing the Seder ritual?" The Nana concludes that "somebody knows her stuff," and tells Seth he's a lucky man. We get a close-up of The Nana squeezing his grimacing cheeks. When The Nana leaves, Summer swats Seth, because The Nana isn't scary at all! He says Summer's the one who's scary, "with the hitting and the cookies." Summer tells him he shouldn't worry that she'll embarrass him, because she's going to study the Hagadah so hard that she'll "out-Jew" him. As Summer leafs through the book, Seth tells her, "You're reading it backwards." Summer snits off with the Hagadah, in hand, and Seth yells after her, "Thanks for the cookies!"

Back in Chino, various people bustle about setting up for the party as Theresa reveals that the wedding is scheduled for June. Since sweeps is in May, we're due for at least one pre-wedding anxiety plotline. Ryan and Theresa exchange awkwards about what Theresa wants and how they've been meaning to call each other and Eddie's love for Theresa and Theresa's lack of love for Eddie. Theresa yells that Ryan can't just show up in Chino on the day of her engagement party and question her relationship. He didn't know it was the day of her engagement party, since she didn't bother to tell him! She didn't tell him because she knew he'd act this way! Ryan points out that Theresa ran away to Newport to get away from Eddie and then left without even calling Ryan, to which Theresa's all, "Yeah, like when you left Chino?" Well, where was Theresa when Ryan was desperately assaulting payphones, anyway? Theresa's mother emerges from the house, enthusiastically greeting Ryan: she knew he'd come if they invited him! Theresa explains that Ryan didn't come for the party, just as Marissa appears in the doorway to explain that he came for her. Of course he came for her. She's Marissa. But. She's not going anywhere!

Back in Chino, Marissa has changed into -- what else? -- an orange dress. Ryan, a fan of the piercing collar- and hip bones, admires her, and she says that the dress is Theresa's. She notices a scratch on his arm, and apologizes for Ryan's getting beat up again. He insists that he's fine, but that they need to leave. What they need, Marissa says, is some alcohol to clean him up. She tells him they're not going anyway; he should just answer his ringing phone. Meanwhile, she'll go tell Eddie how he should act in his own home on his own special day.

It's Seth calling from his bedroom, where he and Summer lie side by side on their stomachs on his bed. She swings her legs around. It's cute. Seth tells Ryan to come home, because The Nana is scary again and everyone keeps asking for him. Ryan shares that Marissa won't leave, even though he's being threatened by both Eddie and Lady Heather. The things a man will do for a bony piece of ass. Meanwhile, Summer reads the Hagadah and perkily recites, "Why is this night different from all other nights?" Seth suggests that Ryan just come home since Marissa's fine, and now it's Lady Heather's problem. Ryan insists that he can't leave her there. Not in Chino! Never! Seth says Ryan can't stay either: "We have The Nana happening." Summer answers her own question, mispronouncing "chametz" and "matzah" as "chamis" and "matza." When Seth corrects her, she earnestly repeats the guttural "ch" sound. Ryan tells Seth that he'll try, and then Seth has to go because Summer is having a "Hebrew hernia."

At Lady Heather's house, Luke wants to apologize, but she can't believe that he's there because Caitlyn is in the kitchen! No one is allowed to see Caitlyn! She's hideous! Hideous, I tell you! Lady Heather insists that it's not Luke's fault: she's the grown-up -- the one who should have known better and who lost her daughter as a result. Luke asks whether she'll really have Marissa locked up, and Lady Heather says she doesn't know what else to do. Marissa's a kid who keeps running away and needs to be kept safe, so what other choice does Lady Heather have? Well, she could just roll over with Marissa's every whim and command like everyone else does, but she's immune to the power of the collarbone!

Outside the Big House, The Nana sits and smokes. Sandy approaches her, slows down when he sees the cigarette, and then speeds up to exclaim, "You gotta be kidding me!" She calls him "my darling," insisting that the only positive to having cancer is that she can smoke all she wants, and that he shouldn't ruin that for her. Sandy sits down and stares at his mother with condescension in his eyes; he announces that he called Dr. Tally, who said The Nana hasn't been returning his calls. In the background, we see Seth standing in the doorway, clearly within hearing range of their conversation. The Nana insists that she's been busy as Sandy continues that Dr. Tally said that although there's no cure, The Nana can slow down the progression of the disease with chemo and radiation. The Nana complains that the treatment will slow her down too, which Sandy doesn't think would be a bad thing. When The Nana insists that there are kids in the Bronx who are counting on her, Sandy counters that her own kids and grandkids are counting on her too. She asks what for, and he gently responds, "To be there. That's all." Sandy confesses that it was all he ever wanted from her, and when he left home so young, he was surprised that she even notices. She commends him on saying what a dying mother loves to hear, and then lights another defiant cigarette. Seth, meanwhile, bites his lips and looks sad. Aw. Sad Seth is just as cute as happy Seth. Sandy says that while The Nana was working all the time taking care of other people's kids, marching for causes, circulating petitions, and picketing city, it felt like she had no time for the family; she quickly corrects that it was his father who ran away, not her. As Sandy heads back inside, he leaves her with a dismissive "Enjoy your cigarette." The Nana can't enjoy it now, though, and stubs it out. She turns to notice Seth in the doorway. They briefly lock eyes before he turns and leaves.