We open at The Big House, where Seth is grilling Ryan about what kind of kiss he shared with Theresa. And I know they're good friends and all -- brotherly, in fact -- but Seth's interest is still a bit icky. Ryan agrees, and is typically taciturn in his response: "I don't know. A kiss. My lips. Theresa's lips. A kiss." Seth mocks that lips are interesting, but what's more interesting is tongue. Ryan asks if Seth really wants to know, and he says he doesn't, but that he is looking for what "level of kiss" they're talking about: a Christina/Madonna peck? A Britney/Madonna smooch? A "full-on, like, a, like a [sic] Al and Tipper Gore lip lock?" And as disturbing as Seth's fascination with Ryan's sex life may be, it's nothing compared to the fact that the kid has obviously spent some time thinking about Gore mackage. Throughout this conversation, Seth stalks Ryan through various rooms of The Big House, up a flight of steps, through the courtyard, and into the pool house, all while babbling a stream of questions regarding whether Theresa and Ryan are now a couple, and whether she's staying in Newport, and where she'll live, and how she'll stay regular -- whether she prefers dried apricots or prune juice, specifically -- and how she likes her meat cooked, and whether she prefers purple or pink, and whether her middle toe bigger than her second toe (would that be called the "pointer toe"?), and what her credit is like, and is she talking about a lease of a year or month-to-month or maybe she's looking to buy? Ryan contests that there is no lease, which doesn't deter Seth, who has a different set of questions prepared for this very development: is Theresa going back to Chino, and will Ryan commute back and forth, and in what car? He asks, "How you gonna pay for gas? How you gonna do that? What freeway? Is your freeway of choice? You gonna take the 55 to the 5, or you gonna take the 91 to the 71? If you're gonna take the 71 --" Ryan interjects, "Whoa. Just. Just. Whoa," to which Seth is all, "Okay, I'll just whoa."
But then Seth totally doesn't "just whoa" at all; instead, he insists that Ryan and Theresa need to have a plan, because they kissed and -- because this show suddenly takes place in seventeen-century Puritan New England -- it's a big deal. She's ruined! Twitchy Ryan insists that he'll make an honest woman out of Theresa and marry her so that she does not have to live with the shame of premarital kissing and walk around with a giant blue (because everything is blue in Newport) letter "K" on her chest for "Kisser." (And if we're really overthinking this, is it no small coincidence that "Theresa" and "Hester" share nearly all the same letters? I think I smell an O.C. doctoral thesis.) Ryan insists that Seth's making it a big deal, and that he doesn't even know when he'll see her again. Seeing as how this is television and all, such a comment ensures that he will actually see her again right this very moment. She enters as Seth announces that they were just discussing her plan, to which she's all, "What plan?" and Seth's all, "Yeah. Exactly." Theresa tells them she had the morning off and thought they might need a ride to school. Seth and Ryan awkwardly act like they're glad she came by, but their acting becomes even less convincing when Marissa appears, having had the same idea. She greets Theresa, "Didn't think you'd be...." Her voice trails off, but Seth eagerly finishes the sentiment: "Staying? Yeah, well." Awkwardness ensues as Seth debates their various potential riding options as both girls mumble their embarrassment. When Theresa suggests that it makes more sense if Marissa takes them to school, Marissa snaps, "Why? Because we go to the same school or because I live here?" Or how about this one: because you're a witch and your broom seats three? As Ryan visibly chokes down the nastiness, Seth repeats his suggestion for how they should travel, and Marissa looks abashed. As well she should. I thought she was champion of the helpless? Only if there's a penis and/or penthouse involved, I guess. The girls simultaneously mutter that they should have called, and then leave. Ryan half-heartedly chases after them, as Seth concludes that it looks like they're hitchhiking. I've never noticed the number of floral things that bedeck the pool house before, but I guess Ryan is overcompensating for Chino's complete lack of vegetation except for weeds and brussels sprouts.
Tinkling.
Kitchen. Sandy greets Kirsten with a sweet "Good mornin', beautiful." This reminds me of "Top of the mornin'," which leaves me most hopeful that there will be a St. Patrick's Day episode. Because this show rocks the holidays, but also because green beer always brings on the wacky hijinx. Marissa surprises them by traipsing through the kitchen and issuing the sullen greeting "Kirsten. Sandy." Shouldn't there be entryways to the pool house other than through The Big House at what is presumably about seven o'clock in the morning? And do the Cohens not lock their doors? Sandy looks confused by the intrusion, but Kirsten moves on to announcing that Sandy won't believe who is Riviera magazine's "Man of the Year." She yelps Theresa's name in surprise as Theresa, in turn, appears in the kitchen. She is clearly the better choice for Ryan, by the way, greeting the Cohens with the far more respectful "Mr. Cohen" and "Mrs. Cohen." Sandy makes a crack about Theresa's being a good kid and deserving the award, leading Kirsten to reveal the magazine cover, from which Caleb's jowly face glares outward at the world. Sandy groans and says that his vote stays with Theresa.
When Seth and Ryan enter, Kirsten curiously announces that a couple of Ryan's "friends" stopped by. Sandy would so have said "lady friends." An onslaught of inappropriate questions into Ryan's personal life commences as Ryan squints up his eyes and remains silent, while Seth babbles away all his confidences. Sandy points to Ryan and marvels, "It's amazing! His lips don't even move." Kirsten asks how long Theresa is staying, and Seth begins to answer but is immediately silenced by Blue Plastic. When Ryan explains that they're figuring out her situation, Sandy echoes Seth's stream of earlier questions culminating in the ridiculous "Can she afford to buy?" Maybe a hair clip, but a whole house? She's seventeen! After witnessing Sandy's display, Seth justifies his own snoopy nature: "I am this way for a reason." When Kirsten asks whether Theresa's going back to school, Ryan sees an out and announces, "School. Bye." Trailing after Ryan out the door, Seth turns back to tell his parents, "Now you know why I do the talking." Kirsten's off to work, but not before she asks Sandy if Caleb will be in a good mood. Sandy refrains from making any kind of "that depends on whether the babies he had for breakfast were fresh enough" crack, and instead dodges the question by pointing out that he should be in a good mood, since he's Man of the Year. Kirsten meant about the case: will Sandy take it? When Sandy explains that he's still considering it, Kirsten reveals that she and Sandy are hosting the reception for Caleb's award, and that it would be nice if Uncle Sean was able to be there. Sandy musters a half-hearted joke: "Not if we have to pay for the bar tab." Kirsten insists that she's serious, and Sandy repeats that he's thinking about it.
Harbor School. Luke sits under a tree and plays guitar. Happily or not -- depending on how you see it -- this song has no words. Marissa pops up wanting to ask him a question, which is surprisingly not how Ryan could possibly not want to be with her, seeing as how she's so perfect and beautiful and very useful as a coat hanger at parties. Instead, she asks whether it was hard for him to see her and Ryan together after they broke up. He immediately says that it was, and manages not to beat himself repeatedly over the head with the guitar as he admits that they wouldn't have broken up if he hadn't deserved it. Marissa says she knows what that feels like now, and then dramatically looks across the quad to where Seth and Ryan are walking together. Luke reaches into his pocket, produces a fortune cookie, cracks it open, pulls out the fortune, and reads it aloud: the sooner Marissa realizes that it's never going back to the way it was, the sooner she can move on.
Marissa moves on, all right -- right into Ryan's face. She ambushes him on the quad and apologizes for what happened that morning -- she didn't know that Theresa would be there, which is hardly an apology because it implies that she should have been informed of Theresa's potential whereabouts at all times. Ryan explains away Theresa's presence as a "change of plans" as opposed to his own damn business. Marissa has some serious beeswax of her own that needs minding. When Marissa asks how long Theresa plans to stay, Ryan grumbles that she needs a job and a place to live. Marissa offers her help; Ryan thanks her and takes off. Theresa can hang her own coat!
Summer, Seth, and Anna sit together in the Harbor School's dining area. As Summer reads the latest issue of Riviera, Seth points out that Caleb looks so angry on the cover. Anna's all, "That's because he is." Summer can't imagine why he'd be angry, since he's on the cover of a magazine, and Anna mocks that it's hard to believe he's not entirely happy and fulfilled entirely because of his cover status. Summer misses the sarcasm and agrees, "Totally! I know!" She professes her love for the society page and the fact that suddenly all the people they know are famous. Perusing the pages, she outs someone named "Diana Cohen" for having gotten a chin implant. Assumedly, this Cohen is not related to our Cohens. Incidentally, our Cohens, I've read, were originally called the "Needlemans," which would have been a big mistake. Needlemans are an entirely different breed of misfits than Cohens. No offense all you Needlemans out there, but it's true. You're weird. You wear your pants around your neck. Accept it and move on. Anna and Seth simultaneously stroke their chins as they ponder the existence of chin implants. Summer announces -- as, for the first time, we find out what her father does for a living -- that her dad does them all the time: "Chins are the new nose." What's the old nose, then? When Anna's all, "So did Picasso!," Summer asks what hospital he works for, and Seth and Anna are without words for the possibility that Summer doesn't know who Picasso is until she busts out that she's kidding -- she's not dumb, just shallow! Seth asks if all the talk of Newport and plastic surgery is boring to Anna, who is not bored at all right now because she's patting her lips with a napkin. Pat! Pat! Pat! Must be clean! Anna announces that she's actually savoring the conversation because she's leaving and won't be hearing it much longer. Seth thinks she's just going to get dessert, but she explains that she's moving back to Pittsburgh to live with her aunt and uncle. She takes off after dropping this bomb, leaving Seth and Summer looking confused and sad. Summer even closes her magazine! And, as it turns out, there's at least one person of color who is actually allowed to sit down and dine at Harbor School; you can kind of see her behind the kids throughout this scene. Or maybe she's just catching a breather after carrying them back and forth between classes.
Theresa has her own car and fairly nice clothes. The car is yellow; the clothes are not. I was wondering how she got the car, and then I remembered that her brother is apparently involved with a maternally sanctioned chop shop operation. Theresa and Ryan sit in the car in the Harbor School parking lot, reading the want ads. He suggests that she be a "park ranger cadet," but she objects that she wouldn't look good in the hat. He points out that she'd get to put out forest fires. Hee. They agree that classifieds are depressing, and he says they'll figure it out together. She's glad he called her to meet him, though, because she didn't know that being unemployed could be so much fun. The bell interrupts their conversation, and he heads off to class, but not before they exchange a cute, hidden kiss behind the cover of the newspaper. Aw. Ryan once again assures her that it's okay, and I love it when Ryan smiles. Theresa turns on the car, and maybe I've watched one too many spy movies (or seen a certain episode of about 578 times), but every time I hear a car ignition catch on television, I automatically expect the shot to be of a fiery ball, and then a funeral scene with adult Dylan McKay and child Dylan McKay wearing identical baseball caps and carrying on a conversation with each other.
As it turns out, Luke as a way with all the Cooper women, and let's hope we never see how that manifests itself with China. Luke turns up at the Cooper house, and Caitlyn escapes from the closet or wherever they've been keeping her to coo at him. Lady Heather appears in an orange shirt which perfectly matches her orange hair, which is sadly not as flippy as usual. Lady Heather asks what's going on, and Caitlyn clearly wants her to butt out, but Lady Heather just banishes her back into the armoire. When Lady Heather admonishes Luke for coming to the house, he says he thought she needed help with her DSL. Lady Heather responds that, as much as she wants high-speed internet access, it's not worth Caitlyn's becoming suspicious. Jimmy motors up, and Lady Heather hurriedly explains that Luke just came by to "defrag [her] hard drive." And who knew such seemingly innocuous computer talk could be so sexy? thing we know, she'll be inviting him to stick his floppy in her disk drive or suggesting that she help increase his bandwidth or announcing that he's checking out her docking station or show her his dongle or finger her users or show him her insertion point or import his data. And then there's the RAM and the RIMM and something about a gopher and come to think of it, are there any computer terms that aren't sexually loaded? Jimmy accepts this excuse for Luke's presence, looking slightly suspicious.
While grilling swordfish, Sandy asks if he should put another piece on for Marissa or Theresa or "any other ladies [Ryan plans] on having over." Hee. Ryan explains that he's just on his way to pick up Theresa, and Sandy amiably throws another fish on the grill. He snoops about how their relationship is going, and Ryan admits that he's trying to figure it out. When Sandy asks if Ryan wants to know his opinion, Ryan asks, "You're gonna tell me either way, right?" Sandy says, "Like my own son." Aw. Aw! He then launches into a not-so-aw-worthy speech about how since Ryan is in high school and Theresa should be, they're both in way over their heads. Theresa has no job! No place to live! Sandy lowers his voice to implore Ryan not to ask if she can stay at The Big House. Ryan says he wouldn't do that, to which Sandy responds, "Good. 'Cause you have no idea what Kirsten did the last time I floated such a concept." But they could just sneak Theresa into the kitchen to fry up some bacon, and Kirsten would be thoroughly charmed. Sandy goes on about Theresa's life and family in Chino, and how running away isn't the answer. Ryan admits that it's crazy, and Sandy rebuts, "It's sweet. It's totally misguided. But, ah, it's kind of charming." And that added up to the most confusing and least helpful advice I've ever heard.
Inside, Caleb attempts to confirm that Kirsten's going to do "that thing with the white lights" in the backyard for the party, because he loves them. I love them, too! Caleb doesn't want cilantro, either, because he hates it! Me too with the cilantro hate! Kirsten insists that since he's "Man of the Year," she's sure the caterers can accommodate him. Caleb muses that he'll have to make a toast, asking asks if Kirsten still has that bottle of '73 Dom in the wine cellar. She jokes that he went through it on his birthday. Ryan enters the kitchen, greeting Caleb as "Mr. Nichol." When Kirsten suggests that he start calling him by his first name, Caleb is visibly displeased. Better "Caleb" then "Grandfather" or "Poppy" or "Pee-Paw" or whatever other humiliating names grandchildren call their grandparents. In what is possibly the worst breach of continuity yet on this show, Caleb chops vegetables throughout this scene. The Caleb Nichol we know does not deign to chop vegetables, particularly not for a party in his honor. In any case, when Ryan congratulates him on the award, Caleb dismisses the praise, snitting that the magazine is just lucky he even agreed to pose for their cover. Kirsten suggests that he use that in his speech. Hee. She asks if she should set a place for Theresa, and Ryan says he'll get back to her on that, leaving Kirsten and Caleb to banter about the wine selection and his role as salad maker. When Kirsten says she's going to check on the Dom, it sounds an awful lot like "dong," which takes the scene to an entirely different place. Kirsten's exit leaves room for a private conversation between Caleb and Sandy, who reveals that he's "decided what it'll take to make [him] decide": Caleb's telling Kirsten everything. Caleb insists that she's better off not knowing, but Sandy disagrees, because she's already implicated. Caleb doesn't think they should worry her with it, because the problem might go away, but Sandy rebuts that it might not go away, and that he won't spend the year lying to Kirsten. So if Caleb wants Sandy's help, he must tell Kirsten everything. She'll probably take the news about Uncle Sean's illegal exploits in stride, but there's no telling how she'll take the news that her baby sister is actually a man.
Ryan sits in his car outside Theresa's hotel room, and then musters up the courage to go inside and confront her. But she has news for him, too, and he lets her go first. Don't people on television know by now that whoever goes second in these scenarios gets screwed? Theresa announces that she called Eddie and told him she's not coming home. He didn't take it well, but Theresa feels so free! Like she's in a tampon commercial! Ryan, meanwhile, is clearly wearing those bulky pads. Theresa asks what he wants to talk about; he wants to talk about swordfish!
Back at The Big House, Seth and Ryan pout in tandem before exchanging misunderstanding banter about the leaving/staying of Anna/Theresa. They finally get to the point: Anna is going and Theresa is staying. Marissa is also staying, which is the real cause for disappointment, at least on the forums. Ryan sweetly commiserates that Anna's imminent departure sucks, and Seth questions his role in her leaving before concluding, "I can't believe I caused a girl to leave the state." The county? Fine. But not the state! Ryan asks if it's really because of Seth, and Seth points out that they broke up; then she went back to Pittsburgh and had a good time, only to return to Seth and Summer making out on a coffee cart while Seth declared his eternal love. Pretty much anything that takes place while standing on a coffee cart can't be all good. The lemon/lime centerpiece has gone the way of all the other secondary characters on this show, and in its place now resides a boring fruit bowl. This is Orange County, props people. Away with the plain old bananas! Down with apples and oranges and grapes! These people have kiwis and persimmons and mangos and lychees in their fruit baskets! Ryan points out that Anna might not feel that comfortable in Orange County because not everyone does; Seth says he gets this possibility, but that if it is because of him, he wants to talk her out of it, but he can't come right out and ask her directly if he's the cause, because then he'll sound self-absorbed. Ryan has dropped out of this one-way conversation, but gets brought back into it by Seth's insistent "And I'm not self-absorbed, right Ryan? Me. Me. Me." Ryan apologizes that he was just thinking about Theresa and whines, "She's staying. What am I gonna do?" Seth in turn whines, "She's leaving. What am I gonna do?" There are so many damn parallel storylines on this show, each writer must contractually get a paycheck, the right to sniff Adam Brody's used t-shirts, and a ruler.
Kirsten wears a thong. She's also wearing a black dress, but the thong stands alone. Which, come to think of it, is a slightly disturbing concept. Because what would it take for a thong to actually stand? In any case, you'd think with the multitudes of people working on this show, one person a week could be appointed as lookout for unsightly panty lines. Particularly since the whole point of the thong is to avoid that very thing. If we can see her thong, we might as well see her giant, baggy, white granny panties instead. But then I guess we'd be watching Sex and the City. Kirsten enters a restaurant, where Caleb greets her very formally, and then gets right to the point: Joel McEwan was staying in the hotel room into which Uncle Sean "accidentally" stumbled. Kirsten points out that it's quite a coincidence, since Joel McEwan happens to be the leading lumber supplier on the west coast. When Caleb guiltily slurps his wine, Kirsten concludes, "Not such a coincidence." Caleb announces that it wasn't the first time Uncle Sean stumbled into a hotel room, and I knew that whole Johnny Depp thing seemed wrong! What did he ever do to Uncle Sean, anyway? Kirsten knew Uncle Sean was a "tough negotiator," but breaking and entering and theft? She laughingly asks what else she doesn't know about -- blackmail, racketeering? Caleb's lack of laughter confirms the sad truth. Kirsten asks if Uncle Sean is jail-bound, and Caleb says he's not if Sandy can help it. Kirsten worries that they'll go after Caleb and he responds, "I'm afraid it's not just me." No! Leave Johnny alone! He's suffered enough!
Marissa enters the Student Disunion. There are rainbows on her sleeves, confirming that while Anna may be leaving Newport, bad taste is there to stay. She greets Ryan, noting that he's catching up on Western Civ. He mocks the fun of the Spanish Inquisition, and if this is such a great school, why are they studying the same thing in March they were back at the beginning of the school year? Eddie interrupts their banter just as it is beginning to be less-than-completely-painful. He storms into the Disunion and slams Ryan's book shut! Then he breaks all Ryan's pencils in half! And snubs up all of his favorite erasers! Wardrobe, by the way, has put Eddie in his blue-collar best for this scene. He's missing only the grease stains on his fingers and the cigarette tucked into the pocket of his name-bearing coveralls. And the actual, blue collar, I suppose. A wary Ryan asks what's going on, and Eddie waggles his finger in Ryan's face because he knows exactly what's going on. His voice breaks as he asks if Ryan slept with Theresa. Marissa stands by, looking particularly interested in this part of the conversation. Ryan insists that he didn't, and Eddie asks why she'd stay in Newport, then? Yeah, why would his fiancée stay in a town that has music and flowers and food and actual colors if she's not getting fucked? Eddie shrugs off Ryan's attempts to placate him, and tells Ryan not to touch him. Yeah, because Chino is catching! How quickly they forget. He can't believe that after everything he did for Ryan when they were growing up, Ryan can't be a man now and tell him the truth. He can, however, manage not to wipe the spit off his face while Eddie's still talking to him. I hate having to stand there all wet and slobbered-on just to be polite. What's polite, people, is not spitting when you talk, okay? Ryan insists that he's not sleeping with Theresa, and then a trollish faculty member enters the Disunion to boot Eddie. The lounge is only for faculty, students, and people not from Chino! Eddie storms out, heavy-breathing that he won't let Theresa go. Ryan follows shortly after, leaving Marissa to revel in Ryan's lack of sex with Theresa.
Harbor School. Seth chases Anna up a flight of steps, making small talk about the weather and the Lakers. She's noncommittal -- both to Seth and to any sort of reasonable wardrobe choices. Purple tights may be better than Smurf Blue, but that doesn't mean they're good. When Seth asks why she's leaving Newport, Anna says she has to get to class. He rebuts that she's got at least three minutes, and she insists that the situation is more complicated than that. He asks her to start with "one, main overriding reason," and she says she misses the seasons -- fall foliage, the snow, spring. Summer, not surprisingly, is conspicuously absent. Seth has trouble accepting this particular excuse, goading Anna to go on about her "little dog, Swifty" and the Jimmy Stewart museum and peanut butter cup pies and the vinyl selection at Record Village and a particular flea market. Seth asks if there isn't one other thing, and she emphatically announces that there's not. He gives up for the time being, telling her about Caleb's party; she immediately declines, because she leaves tomorrow, then recants to say she'll stop by to say goodbye, and she'll wear the most offensive, eye-assaulting, inappropriate clothing -- if you can call it that -- she can find.
Ryan locks up his bike, and Marissa asks if she can help. Ryan snits that he can lock up his own bike. Well, actually he doesn't. He does snit, though (and I love it when Ryan snits), about whether Marissa can provide a place for Theresa to live, or a job. Marissa asks if she needs a friend, and I'm sure Theresa could really use the friendship of Marissa, who was so nice to her earlier in this episode. Marissa's bangs, by the way, have mysteriously disappeared in this scene. Marissa suggests that Ryan invite Theresa to Caleb's party, and aside from the questionable fact that Marissa would be an immediate choice for the guest list (it's not like she, Jimmy, or Lady Heather are on any good terms with Caleb), who is she to tell Ryan whom he should and should not invite to a party at the home of his legal guardians? When Ryan asks why Marissa would want him to invite Theresa, she tells him in a spurt of unprecedented self-awareness, "Look. I'm used to getting what I want, which I know is not the most attractive quality." But she also knows that she can't compete with a girl Ryan's known his whole life, not after everything they've gone through together. Ryan tells her that Theresa doesn't have clothes, and a light bulb (a very, very dim bulb) goes off in Marissa's head.
At The Big House, Kirsten sits outside and drinks. Sandy appears, and she asks how his day was; he sweetly responds that all he could think about was getting home to check on her. She admits that she knew Caleb wasn't "above board," but that this is beyond anything she imagined. Sandy vows that that they'll figure it out, and that he'll protect her, but she doesn't want him to! She insists on getting outside counsel, because she doesn't want Sandy involved at all; when she asked for his help, she didn't know what she was asking for! This is her mistake, and she won't let him compromise himself, not even for her. She's off to call the caterers to make sure there's "no cilantro for the Man of The Year." But I'd say Caleb's latest disclosure is cause for a full-on cilantro-fest.
Seth and Summer perch on the hood of her car and kiss. For some reason, their smooching sounds are distractingly amplified. I don't know why sound editors think we like that sound. We don't. If we did, we'd get it on our alarm clocks so we could wake up to it in the morning and we'd call our radio stations to request it so it'd be on the top ten at 10. It doesn't help the plot along, and it's just kind of gross. So lay off, sound people, okay? Seth breaks the kiss to complain that Anna is lying. Summer can't believe Seth's thinking about Anna at this moment, and Seth whines that he wishes he could convince Anna not to leave just because of him. When Summer asks if that's why he thinks she's leaving and he points out that it makes sense, she responds, "Yeah. But even if I thought it, I wouldn't say it. I mean, that's a little self-absorbed, Cohen." Hee. Seth adds that he never wanted to hurt Anna's feelings, but maybe if he pretended he cared before -- when her feelings were hurt but she wasn't leaving -- this situation could have been avoided. Summer echoes Ryan's earlier suggestion that Anna might not like it in Newport because it rains in January. She wants more kissing, but Seth wants a cheeseburger. (Actually, I'm assuming it's a cheeseburger, because as far as I am concerned, there's not one reason in the world to eat a hamburger without the cheese. Not one reason. I don't even want to think about a world with cheeseless hamburgers.) Anyway, choosing a cheeseburger over kissing cannot be good for a relationship. ["It really depends on the cheeseburger, I have to say." -- Wing Chun]
At the Mermaid Inn, Theresa lights candles. People from Chino might not have much, but they always have candles. Perhaps Chino's eternal state of darkness has something to do with that. Ryan enters, and Theresa throws herself at him, begging for a foot massage because she's been on her feet all day. When Ryan says they need to talk, she asks if he can't do that while massaging. She then attempts to de-jacket him, and ends up tugging and twisting and pulling to get it off his arms. And if it wasn't meant to be funny, it was anyway. Ryan whines that he doesn't know what to do or how to help Theresa find a job and there's a quick "I live in a pool house" crammed in there, leading her to tell him to shut up. She pushes him onto the bed, announcing that she doesn't need him to take care of her because she's not one of those "Newport chicks" who needs a trust fund to survive; she allows that his concern is "sexy." They kiss. He pulls away to ask about Eddie, and she says she told him she can't marry him right now. Ryan points out that just because Theresa's okay with it doesn't mean that Eddie is. She says that she's not okay with it, but knows it's for the best. She's here to be with Ryan! They get back into the kissing, and he asks, "Are we doin' this?" and she's all, "Not like we haven't before!" The camera pans over the bed, telephone, his jacket, the candles, and out the window and -- hey -- when did Spike get here? And what's Eddie doing in his car? Eddie taps on the windshield in irritation, and then watches the light in the hotel room turn off. He screeches out of the parking lot, sadly unaccompanied by Sid Vicious screeching about doing it his way.
It's now morning at the Mermaid Inn, Where Newport Snobs Get Their Chino and Riverside Slummin' in. Ryan wakes up spooning Theresa; he kisses her shoulder before rolling out of bed. Aw. That's sweet. Ryan rolls out of the tacky sheets, the first character in network television history to refrain from taking all the bedding with him. Theresa rolls over and checks him out. She likey. Me likey, too. Because he is ripped. I don't care if he is five foot two. Theresa asks what's the matter, and Ryan says he has people now who notice if he doesn't come home. Theresa has the day off, and suggests that they go to the pier or the beach together. He has "a thing," though, which isn't an acceptable excuse to her; he clarifies that Caleb is being honored, and that the Cohens are hosting a cocktail party for him. Without looking her in the eye, he asks if she wants to come. Theresa asks if he wants her to, because she's not getting that vibe. He insists that he does, but adds, "You know what these things are like...these people." She also points out the awkwardness in the fact that "the girl who serves food at the party is now a guest at the party." It'd be more awkward, I suppose, if this was a different kind of television show in which "the girl who serves food at the party is now the food at the party." They go back and forth with the "I want to go but I want you to want me to go if you want me to go and I know you want me to go and you know you want me to go so I know you want me to go" and the "I only want you to go if you want to go and I know you want to go but you don't have to go but of course you can go if you want to go and if I know that you want to go and if you know that I want you to go." It's exhausting. Finally, they work it out: she won't go, but only because she has nothing to wear. And it would have been so much easier if they had just figured that out in the first place. Theresa invites Ryan over afterward, though, so they can both wear nothing. For once, we see that she's sleeping naked and not in her t-shirt or camisole which would not have come off in either really bad sex or really really good sex.
We find ourselves at the public golf course. We know we're at the public golf course because there's a man of color there, and he's not carrying the clubs. We also know because they let Sandy in while wearing his homeless man costume. He greets Otis, who turns out to be the District Attorney, and who announces that things are much better at the DA's since Sandy left the public defender's office, because his people are winning more cases now. Sandy jokes that he left because he felt bad for the DAs. When Otis wonders aloud why he suspects that it's not a "wild coincidence" that Sandy has crashed his golf game, Sandy exclaims, "Well, you have trust issues!" and then makes some joke about Otis's never having been married. I didn't find jokes about the travails of marriage funny before I was married, and I don't now, either. Otis announces that Sandy's presence will save him a phone call, since they have a deal to offer Uncle Sean. Sandy insists that Uncle Sean isn't his client, and that he's such a drunk that you can't take what he says seriously. Otis is taking him very seriously, though. Sandy asks "out of curiosity" what kind of deal is being offered, and Otis reveals that if Sean cooperates and outs his employer, they'll consider pleading him down to a lesser charge. Sandy suggests that if the plaintiff dropped the charges completely, Sean would have no reason to talk, and Otis points out that the plaintiff has no reason to do that. Except Sandy's silence says the plaintiff totally does. Otis tells Sandy that the Newport Group is Orange County's Enron. Does that make Kirsten the Martha Stewart? And I've always gotten a strong Kato Kaelin vibe from Jimmy. And Lady Heather is so the town's Monica. Otis threatens that if Sandy makes the case difficult, he'll be forced to come down hard on him. Sandy gripes that it's an election year, and Otis insists that he want to spare him because they've been friends for years, but that "it used to be Sandy Cohen's moral compass wouldn't point him anywhere except the direction of truth." That sounds like great comic-book language: "Eyebrow Man: his moral compass points only in the direction of truth." And I think I'd go with a purple leotard for Sandy -- possibly with a turquoise cape. Sandy leaves, but not without taking another random swipe at Otis's marital status.
Back at The Big House, Ryan eats cereal as Seth whines about where he was last night; Seth covered for him, but Ryan shouldn't be doing this! Ryan claims that he just feel asleep, but Seth heard about "some scary guy that showed up at school." As they talk, the kitchen is swarmed by a zillion black-clad caterers -- or possibly English graduate students. Ryan attempts to change the subject, and asks whether Seth talked to Anna. Seth tells him not to change the subject, and then pauses and mutters, "I'm powerless not to talk about it." He says he tried, and Anna gave him a list of reasons why she's leaving town. Ryan's all, "You didn't make the cut, did you?" Seth argues that she's lying, and says he just wants her to know that she shouldn't be doing this because of him. Ryan proposes that Seth just tell her, and Seth's all, "Just tell her, huh? Simple. Honest. Direct. No wonder I never considered it." Seth says he'll do it tonight, but only after he has some champagne first. He says, "A little veritas in vino. Know what I mean?" to which Ryan's all, "Hardly ever." Hee.
Theresa emerges from the shower to answer a knock at the door. And while a white plastic chip clip is an acceptable means of displaying her utter Chino-ness, a scrunchy would have been a better choice. It's Marissa and her bangs, which have miraculously returned. Marissa says, "There's a party tonight," and it's like I've been sucked back twenty-five years to a time when Blair was at once embarrassed by Cousin Geri and jealous of her popularity with the gang. Because it's as if the line has been voiced over, for no explicable reason, by Geri Jewell. Marissa adds that she thought Theresa might want to go, and Theresa laments that she didn't bring any of her nice clothes with her. Marissa suddenly produces a garment bag, raises it in the air, and wriggles it around in front of Theresa's face.
At the party, Caleb gets his twinkle lights after all. Sadly, they're hanging from trees as decoration, and not in the preferred location Kirsten would have liked to shove them. Sandy answers his cell phone and greets "Joel," telling him that now is a perfect time. Meanwhile, Caleb and Kirsten are having an uncomfortable photo shoot together; he tells her to smile, and she snits that she's smiling on the inside. She should be, because she looks fine in that dress. Grey is her color. Grey doesn't really sound like it would be anyone's color, but it works for Kelly Rowan. Seth watches his father pass by, and picks up a glass of champagne from a glass directly in Kirsten's line of sight, which shows either a really bad lapse of editing or the agitated mental state Seth is in to risk getting caught from Kirsten. Sandy, meanwhile, continues to weave through the party; in case we didn't get that he's talking to the lumber supplier/plaintiff in Uncle Sean's case, he pointedly calls him "Mr. McEwan." He announces that they've reached a deal, with which Caleb will be pleased, and also that people do what they must. That can't be good.
Summer sidles up to Ryan and asks if Theresa's coming? Nope. In turn he asks about Marissa, and Summer says she doubts it. Summer levels with Ryan: she knows why Ryan is doing what he's doing, but Marissa really loves him. Well, I really love Double Stuf Oreos, but that doesn't mean I should date them. In any case, Ryan flatly says he knows. Summer adds that she knows the thing with Oliver was messed up, but that since Marissa dated Luke for years, Ryan can't exactly trust her judgment. And that's supposed to be a reason why he should date her? A history of bad judgment? In any case, Summer insists that Marissa has a good heart.
Marissa sashays into the party, followed by Theresa, and clearly you need a flat iron to clean up Newport-style. Neither girl's dress particularly impresses me, but since neither offends me either, I can't complain. Summer gasps, and Ryan "wow"s. Theresa's all, "Tell me about it, stud." And I just realized that I used that joke before, but it works so well here that I can't help myself. Theresa tells Ryan she had some help, and non-implanted chins are nodded in each others' directions. The camera man in this scene is really, really obsessed with the fruit display. I'll bet he's on a low-carb diet.
Caleb urges Seth to join him in a picture because he's the future of the company. Seth grimaces, "There's something to look forward to." Caleb declares that Seth will one day grow out of comic books and into wanting to be rich. Does that mean I will one day grow out of wanting to be rich and into comic books?
Anna flounces into the party, running directly into Summer. She explains that her plane is leaving soon, but that she wanted to say goodbye. Summer sadly determines that Anna is really leaving, then announces that although Anna might not believe it, she's going to miss her. Anna thinks it's even more unbelievable that she's going to miss Summer. They giggle and call each other "Blanche" and "Rose" again. At first I was all excited, because I thought that made Marissa Dorothy, but she really can't be anyone but Sophia, seeing as how they're in the same age group.
Random Noopsie gossip. Boob jobs and face lifts and chinplants, oh my!
Theresa overhears the Noopsie conversation, and asks about the whole chinplant thing just as Anna repeats Summer's earlier assertion that chins are the new noses. Ryan introduces the two girls, and Anna would have made a nice friend for Theresa. Ryan concernedly asks if Anna's there to say goodbye to Seth; in response, she bites her lips and watches the photo shoot. She hands a letter to Ryan and asks him to give it to Seth, because while it's supposed to say everything that she couldn't say, she can't seem to say anything at all. They share a sweet farewell hug, and he thanks her for teaching him how to waltz. He thanks her for teaching him how to waltz. She earnestly tells him, "Have the best life. You deserve it." And with that, I am smitten, Smurf Blue tights and all.
Lady Heather drinks champagne, because she's a guest at a party to which there's no good reason she ever would have been invited. Luke's there, too, and he's suffering from the same problem. How would these two make the guest list? Luke checks her out, complimenting her hotness. She orders him to behave, to which he responds, "I know. But. It's just. Your ass." Luke's delivery of the word "ass," curiously, suggests that he may be a Parseltongue. He discreetly runs a hand down her back, but not discreetly enough for Jimmy.
Sandy corners Caleb to reveal that he met with the DA, and that it didn't go well. Caleb jabs that he thought Otis was Sandy's friend; didn't they used to make deals all the time? When Sandy points out that it's an election year and Caleb's not too popular with the people, Caleb scoffs at Sandy's meager attempt, and huffs off to make his toast. Sandy stops him to announce that he'll make the problem go away, but that it's going to cost Caleb: Joel McEwan needs to be the chief lumber supplier for the big Newport Group contract, and it won't be wholesale, either. But it will work. Caleb goes in for the celebratory handshake, but Sandy's all, "Not if you were Man of the Century." When Caleb argues that Sandy shouldn't be upset, because he cuts deals for clients all the time, Sandy rebuts that usually they're the ones who broke the law, not him.
Jimmy and Lady Heather face off with a "Jules" and a "James," but their voice tones are more like "Bitch" and "Loser." He tells her, "You know forgive me. But this can't. Possibly. Be. Happening. I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm crazy. To even think it, right?" She's all "Think what?" and he emphatically states that "it" would destroy Marissa, and doesn't Lady Heather think she's been through enough? Lady Heather snorts at him, and continues to insist that she doesn't know what he's talking about.
As Caleb takes the podium and "blah, blah, king of the world"s, Eddie enters the front door of The Big House just as Ryan leaves Theresa to deliver Seth's letter. Marissa sees Eddie and jumps into action. If by "jumps into action," you mean "does absolutely nothing to prevent what she knows is an imminently combustive situation," that is. Caleb, meanwhile, continues to go on about "[his] favorite -- well, [his] only grandson -- Seth," before calling him to join him on stage. Seth is not pleased and rolls his eyes, neck, shoulders, hips, ankles, and any other body part capable of being rolled.
As the Cohens, sans Sandy, line up on stage, Eddie locates Theresa and begs her to leave the party. As he tries to drag her out by her elbow, Ryan turns back to help. Eddie tells Ryan to stay away, but of course he doesn't, and then Ryan gets thrown down on the cameraman's lovely fruit display. Ryan charges back at Eddie, and we have ourselves a fight, ladies and gentleman. I wonder if waiters in Newport get medical benefits, because these guys need it. They're in the line of fire at these soirees. Luke pushes through the crowd to break up the fight, but it's too late. Ryan ends up in the pool, which is kind of fun to watch in reverse. Also, it's got a kicky half-twist to it. I give it a 7.5, but keep an eye on the Russian judge. As Luke and Jimmy hold back Eddie, who is screaming that Ryan is dead, Sandy tells him to leave before the police arrive. Theresa stands poolside and looks sad and also, oddly, a bit like Summer.
Inside, Ryan holds an ice bag to his head. In Newport they have both iceandplastic bags. Sandy admires his potential shiner and enthuses, "But hey! They look good on ya!" Theresa apologizes, and Kirsten insists that it's not her fault. Sandy heard there was a rumble in the bedroom, and heads off to break it up. Meanwhile, Seth laments the fact that Anna failed to show, and Ryan produces the letter. When Seth expresses his disbelief that Ryan waited until now to give it to him, Ryan defends, "I was a little distracted!" Seth can't read it, though, because it went for a swim in the pool. He takes it outside to read, because apparently the light of the moon is more illuminating than a standard bulb. Summer grudgingly trails him outside, and joins him as he attempts to make out a phrase which he thinks is either "I love you as your bijon" or "I love you as your Aztecs." Summer says, "Aspirin?" and Seth asks if she thinks that's what the letter says; no, she says, but he's giving her a headache and she wants some. , they struggle is over a "c" word, which causes Summer to announce, "Confusing." Again, it's not her interpretation of the letter, but an expression of her own feelings -- why does Seth care so much about what the letter says? Seth buzzes and whirs that Anna couldn't even say goodbye, and that he doesn't want her to leave because of him. Summer announces that he was declaring his love for her last week, and now he's all, "Anna's letter! I can't read it!" Hee. He slow-talks that it's not like that: Anna is his friend, and he doesn't want her to leave. Summer thinks it over, and tells him to go and stop her, then. Seth kisses Summer's forehead and dashes off.
Inside, Ryan asks what Theresa's is going to do, and for some reason she's the one who looks like she went into the pool. Actually, Seth kind of does, too. Why is Ryan the driest-looking person in the room? And why is he still in his suit, which now appears to be dry? Either he left his wet suit on so long that it dried, or he put on a new, dry suit. Either action is senseless. Theresa says she needs to call Eddie and straighten things out, and Ryan insists that everything will be okay. Seth interrupts their conversation because he needs Ryan to drive him to the airport to stop Anna. He can't drive himself because the champagne goes straight to his head. I'd say a lot of things go straight to Seth's head lately.
Outside, Lady Heather overstays her welcome at a party to which she should never have been invited. Caleb smarmily calls her "Juju"; they exchange unpleasantries, and he asks if he can drive her home. She snits that she can walk down the driveway. Caleb announces that it's been a busy time, and that he'd like to take her on a "real date," because he knows he didn't appreciate her, but he wants to now. She orders him to plan the perfect date and run it by her, and then they'll see. She should make him draft up a proposal with color diagrams and a cover page any everything!
The thumping bass of Journey's "Separate Ways" plays as Seth urges Ryan to drive faster; when Ryan argues that he's going 75 in a 65, Seth responds, "Everyone knows 80s the new 75," and Ryan's all, "Who talks it like this?" This entire car scene parrots Seth and Summer's conversation in the car to Tijuana. If there's a scenario in which that makes particular sense, I'm blind to it. I think some writer got a little ruler-happy. Seth fusses with the air conditioning, whining that his "Jewfro" is frizzing out and he looks like Screech. He then moves on to dissing the music, which is one step to far for Ryan, who warns, "Do not. Insult. Journey. All right?"
Theresa, still looking wet, shows up at Jimmy's Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad. There's no reason in the world why she should know where Marissa lives, but she does. Marissa asks how she is, and Theresa claims she's embarrassed, because she can't believe Ryan and Eddie had a huge fight at a fancy party. Marissa tells her, "Actually not the first time that's happened and every time it's happened before it's been about me. Me! You hear that? Men fighting over me!" Well, except without that last little bit. But you know it's what she's thinking. Theresa hands over the dress, apologizing because she won't have time to get it dry-cleaned before she goes. Marissa repeats, "Before you go," but clearly she's really thinking, "You're from Chino. I wouldn't wear this dress again if you boiled it." Anyway, Theresa says she's been fooling herself and made a mess out of everything; both she and Ryan need to figure out their lives. She leaves Marissa with the always annoying, "Take care of him."
Meanwhile, in the Beautiful Blue Bedroom, Kirsten joins Sandy and announces that she knows what he did. He finishes, "Obstructed justice. Tampered with a witness." So if she's Martha Stewart, does that make him Peter Bacanovic? Kirsten asks what happens now, and Sandy points out that since it's an election year, the DA can't afford to lose, and without their star witness, they don't have a case. He adds, "If you're gonna go after the king, Caleb, then you had better know that you can kill the king." And that might be the strangest, most awkwardly scripted piece of dialogue I've heard on this show. It's like they wrote the line and then decided that the average audience member wasn't smart enough to realize that the "king" in the metaphor is actually Caleb, and so they contextualized it for us to the detriment of common sense. We're too dumb, clearly, to understand what Sandy would have meant if he'd just said, "If you're gonna go after the king, then you had better know that you can kill him." Kirsten repeats that she didn't want Sandy involved, but he insists that he'll always do what's best for his family. Kirsten would rather have him in jail, though, than in bed with Caleb. He rebuts that he'd rather send her to jail than end up in bed with Caleb, so they're even. She sits beside him and sadly says that there's no going back, which he says is "kinda like prom night." He then tells her, "Believe me. If anybody's gonna be puttin' you in handcuffs, it's gonna be me."
A cover of OMD's "If You Leave" totally rounds out the many John Hughes/teen '80s movies connections that punctuate this show. But does that make Seth or Anna Duckie Dale? Seth runs into the airport, pausing to grab a pamphlet from a Moonie. He spots Anna as she goes through Security, and yelps for her to wait. And what a way to get the hopes up of a girl who's trying to get over you! Poor Anna. She runs toward Seth probably expecting a declaration of love, but instead gets his incoherent ramblings about how he doesn't want her to leave because of him. He knows she loves him because he read the letter and he gets it and he's sorry if he did anything to hurt her feelings. And what's with the "if"? She says she does love him, but as a friend, to which he's all, "It doesn't say 'as a basha'?" She gracefully tells him that he's an amazing guy -- if a little self-absorbed -- but that if there's one thing their relationship taught her, it's that they don't have any chemistry. Amen. They both tear up as Seth asks for the last time if she's leaving because of him; also for the last time, Anna dodges the question: "I'm leaving because I need to leave." She suggests that they might be perfect for each other one day, but that right now she has to go to Pittsburgh; she then flatly tells him she's moving because she thought she could make this her home, but she can't. Aw. They hug, and she heads back through Security. Seth trails after her in desperation, asking what he'll do without her. I don't know. Maybe appreciate her for once. Man. This is kind of painful. He goes on about what he'll do without her to play Jenga with, leading her to deliver a tearful "Confidence, Cohen." And what fitting last words for this character! As she drags her cheery little red suitcase along, Anna turns back for a sweet smile in response to Seth's panicked banging on the glass. Seriously? That is so not the way to act in an airport. Seth presses his nose up against the security glass and tries to look cute; in homage to Anna, my appreciation for said potential cuteness is distracted by the amount of germs teeming through his pores at this very moment. Because no one is cute wearing the bacteria of three million strangers.
After having suitably toyed with Anna's emotions for the very last time, Seth takes Ryan to the Mermaid Inn so that he can check on Theresa. Either she's gone and she took all her candles with her, or she's gotten a job as the hotel's cleaning woman, and is starting by vacuuming her very own room.
The boys eat pizza on the pier. Seth eats with one hand stuffed in his pocket. It's cute, except I'm really hoping he washed his hands and face after the airport incident. Seth wonders whether the girl he's supposed to be with just went back to Pittsburgh, and Ryan asks, "What if she went back to Chino?" to which Seth's all, "Why would Anna go back to Chino?" Ryan says that they at least have each other, and Seth points out that he has Summer now, but offers to "put a little Seth-Ryan time on the books." Ryan sarcastically thanks him, and then claims that he could always hang out with Luke. Ryan wonders aloud about what Luke's doing right now, and Seth's all, "Discovering fire? Hunting and gathering? Shaving his chest with a pocket knife?" He suggests that the two could do that together and as the camera slowly pulls back from the pier, we hear Ryan laugh, "I do do that." Hee.
In three weeks on The O.C., Seth and Ryan catch Luke and Lady Heather, and Ryan is not happy about it. Kirsten suggests that Jimmy use Lady Heather as an interior designer for the restaurant; he objects, but it's so going to happen. Also, Marissa wears a cute green top; Colin Hanks shows up with long, shaggy hair; Paris Hilton is also there for some reason; and Hailey turns out to be a big-haired, bigger-shouldered stripper!