The L.A.

We open at the Mermaid Inn. My guess is that the Mermaid Inn is not actually in Orange County, but in a county adjacent, because would the denizens of Orange County really allow a motel in their midst? Seth and Ryan amble through the parking lot, as Seth questions Ryan about when he took is watch off. We're joining this conversation late, so I'll spare you my confusion: Ryan took his watch off during sex with Theresa and left it behind when she either skipped town or turned into a cleaning woman. Ryan doesn't like Seth's line of questioning, and asks whether Seth wants to wait in the car; Seth obliviously misses Ryan's insinuation and responds, "No, that's cool. I got [sic] more questions." He rambles about whether Ryan took his watch off during sex or during foreplay, which he thinks would seem presumptuous. He expresses no worries about how it would seem for Ryan to stop mid-thrust to remove his timepiece. A grimacing Ryan interrupts to point out that, in the car, Seth could put the radio on and the windows up, but Seth is not so easily deterred and goes on about how he prefers to leave his watch on during sex to see how he's doing and if he's "beating [his] old time." He explains, "The thing is, it's sort of a sex marathon, not a sprint." Ryan looks visibly relieved to have reached the desk clerk by this point, and asks about the watch. The desk clerk, who resembles Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street, enthuses about the niceness and beauty of Theresa, asking if she's Ryan's girlfriend. An awkward pause follows, as Ryan blinks repeatedly. Is he attempting to respond in code or something? He finally speaks up to say she's not his girlfriend, leading Mr. Hooper to waggle the missing watch in his face and say he'd be a lucky guy if she were.

As the boys leave, Seth suggests that one day they'll look back on this situation and laugh; Ryan insists that he's already fine, since Theresa is back with Eddie, where she should be. Seth proposes that it's a good time for Ryan, because he finally has "no women to protect from violent goateed factory workers or pill-popping manic-depressives." Originally, I typo-ed "pill-pooping manic-depressives," which would indicate an entirely different kind of problem. Seth adds that it's been "nothing but lady drama" with Ryan since he arrived in Newport; he officially declares it an "angst-free Ryan month," which Ryan thinks might be a little extreme. Seth concedes, "Angst-free Ryan week, with an option for an additional week." He lowers his voice to whisper, "If you like it."

Across the parking lot, something catches Seth's attention. The camera pans over to reveal Luke, backing out of one of the motel rooms. Seth asks if Ryan told him about his watch, and Ryan wonders why he'd do that. The mystery of Luke's presence at The Mermaid doesn't last long, and its solution is heralded by music of the non-tinkly variety. Lady Heather emerges from the room and directly into a kiss with Luke. Seth and Ryan stare, and then scurry behind a car. In the process of doing so, they may or may not briefly clasp hands. I couldn't tell you why, but check your tapes. They continue to watch in gape-mouthed surprise as Luke leaves and Lady Heather chases after him to deliver a feisty butt-slap. Aw. Doing an eighteen-year-old brings so much happiness! A frustrated Ryan whispers, "Didn't even last the night." But seriously, if I were a parent in Orange County up to no good, I'd steer clear of Ryan Atwood.

And because we've been on hiatus for so long: Tinkle tinkle tink. Tinkle tinkle tink. Tinkle tinkle tinkle tink. California here we come right back where we started from. California! (Aw, Cal!) California! California! Here we come. (Tinkle tinkle tink.)

Back at The Big House, Ryan suddenly has Donny Osmond hair. And if we have to endure the hair, then we at least deserve a compensatory verse or two of "A Little Bit Country, A Little Bit Rock 'N Roll." He and Seth process. Seth can't believe Luke and Lady Heather were at the motel, because it's so cheap and tawdry. Ryan's all, "Yeah. That's the real moral of the story here." Seth points out that they'll have to see Luke at school today, and wonders how he could do it. He then qualifies that he gets how he could do it, seeing as how it's Lady Heather and all. Ryan counters that it's not about Lady Heather -- it's about Marissa. As everything is. Ladies and gentleman, the new Joey Potter. Seth insists that Marissa can't find out, since she "doesn't handle the bad news well at all," and they agree that it's got to end. Seth selects Ryan to make that happen.

In the kitchen, Sandy spazzes out over the toaster as waffles pop up and surprise him. I'd make fun of that, except my toaster always scares the crap out of me. Kirsten heralds Jimmy's entrance, and he perkily announces that they're screwed! Sandy rebuts that there's nothing like optimism in the morning, and Jimmy insists that he's serious: opening day for the restaurant is coming up, and they have no contractor or designer. He asks when Sandy last looked at the books, and Sandy responds that he hasn't, since that's Jimmy's job. Jimmy chooses now to reveal that he's blown through their whole budget, leading Sandy to conclude, "Well, you're really not so good at managing the money, are you, Coop?" Jimmy thinks it over and concludes, "No, I'm really not." Jimmy explains that construction, labor, and permit costs ate up their money which, if I'm not mistaken, are all things that should be part of a budget. What, exactly, was in their budget? The food? A lifetime supply of blue, button-down shirts?

Kirsten exclaims over a letter that's just arrived from Hailey, in which she says she's now an aerobics instructor at a Club Med in Turks and Caicos. There's surprise all around, but particularly from Sandy, who can't believe Hailey actually got a job! Kirsten, by the way, is apparently attempting to conceal with a giant, knotted scarf evidence of her autoerotic asphyxiation pastime. Jimmy announces that he's going to spend the weekend interviewing designers, and Sandy jumps in to say he's also going to work: "So I can make some more money that you and I can lose!" Kirsten asks whether Jimmy is really looking for a cheap designer, and then suggests Lady Heather. ["Well, we already know she's kind of cheap." -- Wing Chun] This freezes Sandy -- who is on his way out of the kitchen -- in his tracks. He turns back into the kitchen, wide-eyed and chewing, and Peter Gallagher is just shamelessly good. How many actors would allow themselves to be filmed with little particles of food hanging out of the sides of their mouths? And how many actors could succeed in doing so without totally grossing me out forever? Jimmy emphatically responds in the negative, as Kirsten insists that Lady Heather's good. Jimmy's all, "Yeah! At, at, at manipulating others and backstabbing, pot-stirring, and generally creating an atmosphere of hate and distrust!" Through a full mouth, Sandy chimes in that Lady Heather's work at the Newport Group was elegant and tasteful; he looks to Kirsten for back-up as he concludes, "It was shocking, really." Hee. Jimmy insists that The Lighthouse is supposed to be his "happy place," in which to rebuild his life post-Lady Heather, and that he won't let her do to the restaurant what she did to his marriage. Which was what, exactly? Respond to his cheating and lying and law-breaking in a perfectly understandable way? Damn the woman! In any case, Sandy points out that since free is cheap, what other choice do they have? And why am I so certain it's not the first time Lady Heather and the word "cheap" have been mentioned in the same sentence? ["Not even the first time in this paragraph!" -- Wing Chun]

As they walk along the beach, Summer insists to Marissa that it's best that she and Ryan take some time off. Ever since Summer has known her, Marissa has had a boyfriend, and isn't it time she was by herself? She urges Marissa to be independent: "How else are you gonna find a new guy?" Hee. Summer Dr. Phils that Marissa can't be with someone until she can be by herself. When Marissa insists that she can be by herself, Summer interrupts to explain, "And 'by yourself,' I mean still hanging out with me." Here, Mischa Barton has evidently mixed up the stage directions from a page in her O.C. script with those from the script of a modern-day production of The Miracle Worker in which she's planning to play Helen Keller; she clutches at Summer's arm and mumbles, "Okay. Good."

Further up the beach, the girls notice a film shoot going on, featuring poor Colin Hanks. He has a pompadour. There's some bad, bad hair in this episode, and it only gets worse. Summer loses it when she sees him, jumping up and down and screeching about Grady Bridges. (And for those of you who live under rocks, "Grady Bridges" is meta for "Adam Brody," which is either a well-disguised shout-out or blatant thievery.) Marissa pretends she doesn't know who Grody is, and Summer explains, "Jake Needleman? The Valley?" Summer squeals over the cuteness of Grody, which surprises Marissa, and which is a sentiment expressed recently (and rudely so) by Mischa Barton about her male co-stars in last month's Elle. Summer agrees that Grody's not cute in the traditional sense, but that he's hilarious (pronounced, "hil-air-eeeeeeee-ous") because he improvises all of his scenes. Poor Colin Hanks hams it up, taking pictures with fans, and trying to act like he's not bitter or anything. I mean, the guy has Tom Hanks for a dad and the best he can do is get killed off Roswell? Summer enthuses that they should go say hello, ordering Marissa to "be cool." It's not Marissa she needed to worry about, though, as Summer marches up to poor Colin Hanks and throws her arms around him in what is essentially a full-body tackle, the force of which actually causes poor Colin Hanks to grunt in response. Summer enthuses that she and Marissa are his biggest fans, and that The Valley is her favorite show. Poor Colin Hanks recovers from getting the wind knocked out of him to thank her. Marissa asks what the film crew is doing there, and poor Colin Hanks goes all didactic: "Well, we are on what they call a location. Which basically means that we're shooting a scene." He adds that his character starts dating a Newport girl, but Summer squeals and covers her ears -- he'll ruin it! Poor Colin Hanks asks whether Marissa is as obsessed as Summer -- because Marissa's opinion is what matters, of course -- and Marissa admits that she's never seen the show. Except we know she has, at least in part. Summer hits Marissa to "shut up," as poor Colin Hanks watches in amusement and proclaims, "See, now that's funny." Summer happily cozies up to Marissa, all, "Funny girl."

At the Harbor School, Ryan and Seth are still stuck on Lady Heather and Luke. We interrupt their conversation as Seth suggests that the two don't actually have sex -- they "just got to a hotel and spoon and watch Charlie Rose." But really. Would that be more or less disturbing? The boys round a corner and run straight into Marissa and Summer, the latter of whom shrieks that she has the craziest news ever, and that nothing Ryan or Seth could say could top it! Ryan and Seth exchange a glance in which Ryan's eyes may actually cross themselves. Summer reveals that they met Grady Bridges! Star of The Valley! The best show ever! The boys just stare vacantly in response. Summer reveals that Grody invited them to his birthday party tomorrow night, which finally catches Seth's attention. Through visibly gritted teeth, he's all, "That is awesome!" Summer tells him not to be jealous because she could never date an actor. And again, with the meta, since in real life, Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody are allegedly a couple. Summer reveals that she also scored a couple of "plus-ones," and then hurries off to show everyone her pictures with poor Colin Hanks, expressing gratitude for camera phones, which she says are the "autograph of the twenty-first century." Seth chases after her, whining about seeing the pictures. Standing awkwardly in the hallway, Marissa asks Ryan about Theresa. He gives her the scoop: she left Newport, and they're taking time apart. Bell. Ben McKenzie's eyebrows are doing nearly as much heavy lifting as Peter Gallagher's, lately.

A the Newport Group, Lady Heather has been called in to look at pictures of The Lighthouse. She admires its good light, but not its exposed brick, which she claims is "a bit '80s," but excuses because trends are cyclical. There's some going on about south-facing windows and floor sanding and white enamel and really, it all goes in one ear and out the other for me because I'm not Deborah. Lady Heather agrees to take on the project, and Sandy announces that they can't pay her, which might have been good to tell her before getting her involved. It doesn't matter, though, because Lady Heather has to start somewhere; she claims that The Lighthouse will become her calling card, and that its presence in her portfolio will make giving out a freebie worth it. And again, why does Lady Heather's name fit so naturally into the same sentence as "giving out a freebie"? Throughout this conversation, Jimmy fidgets his discontent in the background.

Sandy says they should start right away, and Lady Heather points out that they'll have to pay for the floors, linens and silverware: "Unless you want your patrons eating with their hands, like Jimmy does." Hee. Jimmy rolls his eyes and repeats to himself, "Oh, happy place, happy place, happy place." And kudos to Lady Heather for making her own shirt by rolling around in glue and then standing outside during a 4th of July ticker-tape parade. Seriously. What's with the shirt? It's like the cast of The West Wing exploded all over her. In any case, Lady Heather suggests that the project will cost "low six," and Jimmy exclaims that they don't have that kind of money -- is she planning on skimming off the top? And did he walk right into that one. Lady Heather rightfully responds, "No, sweetie. That was you." Jimmy paces around while groaning, "My oasis is, is, is being violated. My happy place is very unhappy right now." And really. No one needs to know about Jimmy's "happy place." Kirsten offers to pitch in, which Sandy emphatically refuses, going on about the "separation of church and state." "Don't shit where you eat" would have been better, but perhaps gets a bit confusing where there's an actual restaurant involved. Jimmy calls Sandy out for using the restaurant as his own happy place, while Lady Heather points out that Caleb could help. Sandy yelps, "No! This is my happy place! It's my oasis from the rich and insufferable!" Lady Heather points out that it would be a good investment for Caleb, as well as the best solution for The Lighthouse. Kirsten chimes in to add that Caleb could be a silent partner, and Sandy's all, "A silent assassin!" He insists that Caleb would ruin everything, and then mutters something about having "goulash on the menu." For no apparent reason, Jimmy suddenly changes his tune and points out that they don't have a choice, since they can't raise the cash themselves in time. Sandy gasps. So if they're bringing Caleb in now, does that mean Kirsten is in, too? Or does that mean Sandy would rather have Caleb as his business partner than Kirsten? It's all just contrivance to give Caleb another opportunity to say the word "meatloaf."

In the Student Disunion, Luke lines up a pool shot. Ryan approaches; they exchange niceties, and then Ryan gets right to the point: "So. Did you have sex with Mrs. Cooper today?" Luke misses his shot and nearly wipes out, all, "What, what, what, what, what?" Ryan explains that he saw Luke and Lady Heather at the hotel, and what's Luke thinking doing it with Marissa's mom? Luke claims it's not like that, and goes on about how they've "got a connection," to which Ryan responds, "Yeah. Not anymore, you don't." Luke insists that Marissa won't find out, and Ryan needles, "Just like she didn't find out about you in Tijuana?" Ryan explains that it's a small town in which people talk -- it's only as a matter of time before they find out. And Luke, really, should know all about that. Luke pleads that he never felt this way about a "girl/woman" before, but Ryan doesn't care! Marissa is going to L.A. tomorrow, and Luke is going to end things with Lady Heather! Ryan repeats that it's got to end, and further punctuates the statement with some exaggerated nostril-flaring. Take that, Luke!

At The Big House, Seth watches The Valley, explaining to Ryan that he picked up the first season on DVD. When Ryan reveals that he talked to Luke, Seth silences him until the end of the episode. Ryan asks if Grody is on screen, and points out that he's kind of like Seth. Seth's all, "What? Handsome and charming?" and Ryan's all, "Geeky and sarcastic." Seth huddles up to the screen and groans, "Oh God. He is like me. His is like me except with his own TV show." Ryan explains that he's kidding, because Grody is just a character, and Seth rebuts that Grody improvises all of his own lines: "That's totally him, and he's totally me." His voice escalates in panic as he asks, "And Ryan, dude. If you could have the real me or you could have the TV me, which one would you take? You'd totally take the TV me!" He yelps that they're not going to L.A. because he'll lose Summer to the "real-life TV Seth Cohen." Ryan slow-talks that they are going to L.A., because Luke is breaking up with Lady Heather while they're gone. Seth is surprised that Ryan already took care of it, but is pleased that they'll be back to angst-free Ryan in no time.

Marissa shows up at The Big House, and she wants to talk: she's not going to L.A.! She agrees with Ryan that "time apart is the best thing" and then goes all, "Since you showed up" on his ass. Since before he showed up she was drinking hard alcohol out of her purse and passing out in driveways, she can't really blame all her problems on him. Not to mention that Caitlyn's mysterious yet felicitous disappearance coincided with Ryan's arrival. But whatever. He's from Chino. Everything's his fault. Marissa parrots Summer by saying that they need to be away from each other, and independent. Ryan is fine with it, but asks why she wants to start today. She goes on about clean slates and being by themselves, and then commands him to go to L.A. while she spends time with her mother. Considering Marissa's Summer's friend and Ryan's no fan of the The Valley, why wouldn't she go instead of him? Contrivance is why!

Kitchen. The Big House. Seth question's Ryan plan, which we learn is that if he doesn't go to L.A., Marissa will. When Seth insists that Ryan is going, Ryan points out the likelihood that the Cohens will object, and asks whether Seth plans to lie to them. Seth claims that was the old him; he's since "evolved" into a "man of honor." Instead, he says, Ryan needs to talk to them, since that's more Ryan's "specialty." Ryan notes that Seth is saying a lot of things are his specialty these days, and Seth proclaims that great leadership is all about delegation. Ryan disbelievingly concludes, "So now I'm your employee." Seth argues that they're partners: he's working on the "business plan," which he claims will be awesome, but Ryan just needs to convince the Cohens and Marissa while he "supervise[s]." He walks out of the kitchen and announces, "God, it's so easy!" leaving Ryan to mutter, "I should go into business for myself."

Sandy and Kirsten sit outside on the patio, and Seth creeps up toward them like he's framing a shot; he admires them through the bushes, asking if Ryan doesn't agree that they get better-looking every day. Sandy and Kirsten don't buy it, and ask what he wants. Seth asks why he can't "admire the beauty of his parents in the morning light." Sandy snickers as Seth continues schmoozing that Kirsten doesn't "look a day over perfection." He quickly follows up with a mumbled "There'sapartyinHollywoodtonight," to which Sandy responds, "Hell, no!" Seth whines that he's "trying to establish a bond of trust here," and that he could have lied and said he was going to Comic-Con or an IMAX movie or something. Kirsten cuts him off: "I knew that you never went to the IMAX movie." Seth turns to Ryan and tells him, "Tag. You're tagged in." Ryan flatly explains that it's just a birthday party and that they'll be home by midnight; there will be no drinking, no drugs, and no fighting. And it was going so believably up to the "no fighting" part! When Seth reveals that it's Grody's birthday, though, it's as good as bacon, baby. Kirsten swoons that she loves him and he's so cute! Seth explains that poor Colin Hanks can have any girl he wants, and that he wants Summer, so Seth has to go to L.A. Everyone looks to Sandy for his decision, and he concedes that they can go, but only if they call when they get there and get home by 11:30. 11:30? The party wouldn't even start until then! Sandy warns them not to stay an extra minute in L.A.: "This town will steal your soul." Hee. Seth worries that poor Colin Hanks will steal Seth's girlfriend, and that Seth's the only thing that stands between Summer and a development deal. Kirsten requests an autograph and a cell-phone picture. Seth adds that they just have to convince Marissa now, and Ryan asks if he's supposed to do that, too? Seth goes with the "business partners" line again, and points out that they "serve different functions." He tells Ryan, "I'm the brains; you're the brawn. I'm in the ivory tower; you're down there on the streets makin' it happen." We see Ryan's flummoxed reaction shot, but I would much rather have seen Sandy trying to make sense of Seth's ramblings.

Ryan heads over to Lady Heather's house to talk to Marissa, who can't even hang up a cell phone convincingly. She snits that when she said they should spend some time apart, she meant more than a couple hours. Ryan questions what she's holding in her hand, and she explains that it's Luke's puka shells, which she just found. Were I Ryan, I'd be questioning why she's wearing a string of candy hearts messenger bag-style across her torso, but I guess he's used to her less-than-rational fashion choices by now. Ryan explains that not going to L.A. because of him doesn't make her independent: "To be really independent, we both need to go to L.A. independently, but together at the same time." She says he's starting to sound like Seth, and he responds that it "rubs off." Ryan insists that he has to go to L.A. because "Seth, unsupervised in the big city?" That sounds like the title of a really bad soft-core porno. Marissa understands Ryan's predicament, and he insists that he doesn't want her to miss out on a fun experience because of him. When she points out that he never thinks anything will be fun and that she always has to talk him into things, he responds that things change, and that since they coexist at the same school, they have to learn how to "do things independently...but together." She asks whether he really wants her to go. How dumb is she? He's just spent the past ten minutes convincing her. He announces that it's not about what he wants; it's about what she needs. She bursts into laughter and heads off to get ready. Her arms are easily twisted. And snapped in two like the twigs that they are, I'd imagine.

Back at The Newport Group, Caleb examines photos of The Lighthouse and goads, "So you need me, eh Sanford?" Sandy groans, "Aw, here we go," leading Kirsten to "Dad" him. Caleb proclaims that it's his turn to do Sandy a favor, and asks what the chef's got. Sandy snits, "Nothing, really. TV dinners, mostly. He's terrible." Caleb knows when he's not wanted, which Sandy counters, "And yet you're always at our house!" Jimmy interrupts to laud the qualifications of the chef, and to suggest he prepare a meal for Caleb that night. When Caleb says he can't, because he's got a big business meeting, Lady Heather jumps in to point out that Caleb's meeting is with the "tastemakers of Newport Beach," which she knows because they used to be Jimmy's clients. She suggests that the chef cook for all of them, because of the free publicity: "If you're gonna have a restaurant, you gotta be able to cook for a lot of people." Shaking his head, Sandy repeats, "If you're gonna have a restaurant, you gotta cook for a lot of people. That's our mission statement!" Jimmy insists that they need the money and the press, and Caleb commends Lady Heather on the idea. Kirsten squelches Sandy's last appeal that The Lighthouse is in the middle of construction by offering up The Big House.

L.A.-bound, Ryan, Seth, Marissa, and Summer are stuck in traffic. Seth and Ryan share the front seat as Seth groans that they haven't moved in forever, and to wonder how people live like this? Summer announces that at times like these, she wishes they had a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and Seth responds, "I always wish we had a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It's a fine car!" Seriously. Who wouldn't want a flying car? Marissa hangs up her cell phone and complains that her mother is never home anymore whenever she calls. "Speaking as a child of divorce," Summer announces that her mother started blowing Summer off when she had her affair. The boys don't like the direction this conversation is taking, and Seth shrieks, "Oh! It's a flying car!" As the girls exchange glances in the back, Seth corrects, "No, that's not it, actually. That's a plane." Hee. Ryan explains that Lady Heather is probably working a lot, and Seth adds, "Special woman." Ryan adds that she's "busy," and in the back seat, Summer's all, "Gettin' busy!" Seth asks who will be there tonight, and Summer reveals that she's hoping for Orlando Bloom: "Legolas is so hot." I just don't get Orlando Bloom. I can see why he stood out in a movie populated by jigging, short-waisted men, but in general he just doesn't do it for me. Seth announces that he's hoping for Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, or Kate Bosworth. ["Keira Knightley or Kate Bosworth, huh? Damn you, Schwartz, you plagiarist!" -- Wing Chun] When Summer swats at him, Seth asks why it's okay for her to pine over Legolas, and she responds, "Yeah, he's an elf, okay? He saved Middle Earth. That is a huge part of European history!" Ryan inspires further suspicion in the girls when he tells them not to worry because tonight will be fun. Under his breath he mutters to Seth, "He better get it done."

Caleb drops Lady Heather off at her house and asks about their date. She defers that they should wait and see how tonight goes, because she wants him focused. His car pulls away, and she is fiddling with her house keys when Luke suddenly dashes out of the bushes and onto her porch. She gasps over whether anyone saw him, but he's too busy asking what she was doing with Caleb: "Shouldn't he be washing his dentures or something?" He asks if they're back together and whether she was just using him until "Grandpa" came back. They make out, and she urges him to come inside, since they don't have a lot of time. He agrees, but insists that they'll talk about it after the sex.

As they gang enters a club called "Luna Chicks," we see that Marissa is wearing a cute green tube top that would probably work as an arm band for a woman who actually eats. Poor Colin Hanks greets them by putting an arm around each girl, and then ushers them off for introductions. He speaks almost entirely in falsetto for no discernible reason. People are snorting cocaine right in the middle of the club, and Marissa comments that she thought it was a clich that young Hollywood did cocaine with strippers. Grody introduces them as "Summer, Marissa, and some guy" to "Team [Grody]," which consists of his manager, lawyer, publicist, and producing partner. I'm fairly certain the producing partner is Enrique Iglesias. He's even got the mole. Seth questions why Grody has a producing partner, and Grody reveals that they control several properties and just got the rights to The Golden Girls. Summer squeals her excitement until Grody reveals that they're going to turn it into a movie, but that they're going to "make the golden girls, you know, young and hot." Which, as someone on the forums pointed out, would be Sex and the City. ["Someone on the forums, and many, many magazine articles." -- Wing Chun]

A big-haired girl dances on the bar behind Ryan as he leaves a threatening message for Luke. Grody leads Summer through the crowd trailed by Seth. Paris Hilton cuts between Seth and Summer with a snitty "Excuse me." She and Seth smile at each other. Paris Hilton sure is shiny. You'd think she was rich enough to do something about that. Summer's not loving Paris, who tells her to relax: "L.A. chicks are so lame." Summer retorts that she's from Orange County, leading Paris to deliver an infinitely inferior "Orange County? Ew." There's just not one reason I can think of that Paris Hilton should be in this episode except that Josh Schwartz wanted to get into her pants. It must be awfully crowded in there. Ryan and Marissa witness Seth and Summer's troubles, and Ryan's happy that they're not the ones fighting, for once. Marissa agrees, saying she's glad they're not "one of those couples...or any kind of couple." The big-haired stripped grabs Ryan by the shoulder to ask if he's having fun yet. If he likes watching a manly stripper who also happens to be his pseudo-aunt figure, then yes, he's having a blast. Commercial.

Jason Priestley looks awfully puffy these days.

Back at Luna Chicks, we rejoin Ryan and Hailey as they exchange confused "What are you --"s with each other. A bald bouncer-type breaks up the reunion to command Hailey to keep moving, as well as to remind her that "couples pay extra." So she's for hire now, too? Marissa asks whether Kirsten knows about Hailey, and Ryan doubts it, since she worries about Hailey all the time. As well she should.

Back in Orange County, Luke and Lady Heather rush out of the house, post-sex. Lady Heather whines that she's late and thought they were only "gonna do it once." Luke asks if they can talk, but she shushes him into silence, and then heads off to join the "adults."

At The Big House, Caleb delivers a speech about how Newport used to be a glamorous town frequented by Hollywood stars like John Wayne and Robert Mitchum. He announces that The Lighthouse is their chance to "bring those people back." Sandy filches an easy joke from me: "Now wait a minute, Cal. I don't think even the Lighthouse could bring back the Duke." Everyone chuckles while Caleb pretends to be okay with being the butt of a joke. He doesn't mind being an ass, clearly. But not a butt. He adds that The Lighthouse is the first step in the "renaissance of Newport for destination dining," and claims that it will become a magnate for glitz, glamour, and cash. Sandy pipes up to say that while he and Jimmy want to restore the restaurant, they view it as "something from Newport, for Newport." To Sandy's irritation, Kirsten chimes in to claim it could be both -- "an icon of the past, a beacon of the future." Jimmy won't be left out of the conversation, and further enthuses that it will be "a bridge! From the past to the present! From Newport to...the rest of the world!" Clapping follows from the group, and then Lady Heather appears, and Caleb commends her on her "glowing" appearance. She claims she's just "excited." Outside, we see Luke in his car, checking his cell-phone messages. He considers Ryan's frantic message, and then turns the car around and heads back toward Lady Heather's.

In the kitchen of The Big House, Sandy asks whether Jimmy's happy, and then whines that they're going to be stuck with these people, and it's not what they wanted! When Jimmy insists that they need the money, because without Caleb they've got "nothing," Sandy argues that "nothing" is probably better than this. Jimmy thinks that's easy for Sandy to say, since he's got another job, but this is all Jimmy has. And whose fault is that exactly?

Sandy's cell phone interrupts the conversation: it's Ryan, with the news about Hailey. Sandy's big reaction is, "There are strippers at this party?" Which shows just how highly he thinks of Hailey. When Ryan asks what they should do, Sandy orders him to do nothing, because Hailey isn't his responsibility. He then asks where they are, and repeats, "Luna Chicks?" in what may be his best delivery ever. And that's saying a lot. Sandy orders the kids to come home right away, hangs up, and explains to Jimmy about Hailey. Jimmy's ready to take action, but Sandy won't let Hailey ruin another evening: they're busy enough as it is, and he doesn't want Kirsten to find out.

Lady Heather and Kirsten appear in the kitchen, enthusing over the success of the party. Caleb trails them, all, "What is that smell?" Hee. The camera pans over to show a chef fussing over a mound of meat as Sandy explains that it's meatloaf -- his mother's specialty! Caleb snits that he has the "most sophisticated palates in the county" in the dining room, and he's supposed to offer them "Nana Cohen's meatloaf?" Hee. Kirsten placates that it's on the menu, to which Caleb responds, "A menu for lunatics!" Lady Heather groans that she'll have to call Catherine Zeta-Jones's "people" because she was planning to get her for the opening. Caleb may or may not call Marco the chef "Paco," banishing him off to the Crab Shack to pick something up to serve. When Sandy insists that it's his restaurant, Caleb announces, "You don't have a restaurant without me. And you don't have me with meatloaf." Jimmy finally grows a spine (which we later learn is less spinal and more penile) and proclaims that a man's life comes down to a few decisive moments, and that this may be one of them. He whines that the restaurant was supposed to be fun, and that if Caleb wants to ruin that, Jimmy doesn't want any part of it. He snits off, which seems kind of crappy, since Sandy's had the same objection all along and Jimmy just expected him to suck it up. Maybe Jimmy's really pissed that Nana Cohen's meatloaf made the menu when Nana Cooper's didn't. Caleb mutters, "That's why the man is bankrupt," but finally caves, telling Sandy to go ahead and do whatever he wants, but to make it quick because he's starving. Sandy tells Marco, "There's a lot riding on this meatloaf." Kirsten, meanwhile, notices a hickey on the neck of Lady Heather, who claims it's a "curling-iron burn." Maybe she should borrow Kirsten's scarf from the first scene.

Back at Luna Chicks, Ryan and Marissa argue over whether they can leave without Hailey. Ryan thinks it's none of his business, but Marissa insists that she's family! As usual, Marissa gets her way.

Meanwhile, Summer, Grody, and Team Grody are cozied up together in a booth doing shots together, although Summer appears to be abstaining. Across the club, Seth stands at the bar when Paris Hilton flounces by. Since she appears to be wearing a tutu, "flouncing" is really the only appropriate word. There's some eardrum-shattering conversation in which Paris pretends it's remotely conceivable that she could be a grad student who has been up all night working on her thesis in "magical realism in American literature." How about some non-magical realism in American television? They talk Thomas Pynchon, which I just cannot bring myself to recap. Paris tells Seth not to tell anyone she's in grad school. Who would believe him anyway?

Grody asks Summer if she wants to see an unaired episode of The Valley; she does, and looks around for Seth to bring him along, only to catch him with Paris's hand down his pants. Except not that way, thank God; she's just fishing for his cell phone so that she can take her own picture with it. She repeats Summer's line about cell phones being the "autograph of the twenty-first century," which serves absolutely no comic purpose. Actually, it serves no purpose at all. Why do they do that on this show? I think I've said it was getting old before; it's frigging Mischa Barton old by now. Summer doesn't like what she sees, and takes Grody up on his offer. Meanwhile, Paris is propositioning Seth to call her; he agrees that he will, and then notices the empty booth where Summer and Grody sat minutes ago.

Back at The Big House, Sandy mopes poolside. Caleb joins him, asking if he's waxing philosophical about why Jimmy quit the business. Sandy explains that Jimmy went after Hailey; he outs her as a Hollywood stripper (something every father loves to hear about his beloved youngest child), and then tells Caleb, "That's where my partner went. That's why he's my partner." Aw.

In Grody's limo, Summer can't believe he's both on screen and in the car with her at the same time. He shushes her so she'll hear a line he improvised on the show, which turns out to be "Latro!," as in a new spin on "later." He tries to tell her how glad he is that she came to his party, but it's her turn to quiet him: she's watching! He asks why, since he's not even in the scene. Summer whines that the show is just so good, and that she wishes she were from the Valley. Poor Colin Hanks seems to employ slovenly gum-chewing as his primary acting device.

Ryan and Marissa track down Seth, who moans that Summer disappeared with Grody while he was "talking about Pynchon for, like, two seconds." In response to Ryan's serious demeanor, Seth points in the direction of the back of one of the strippers (can you guess which stripper that might be?) and says that since Ryan now has a clean slate, he should get in a little private dance time with her. At that moment, the stripper turns. It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a stripping Hailey! She and Seth instantly recognize each other, and Seth looks so sad and confused in this scene; he takes off toward her, but she runs away. Seth catches up, grabbing her arm and asking what the hell she's doing; when she snits that the truth wouldn't go over so well, Seth agrees that Kirsten would freak. Hailey suggests that Seth not tell her, then, since Kirsten wouldn't care anyway. Ryan insists that Kirsten would care, and Hailey asks what's so wrong with stripping, anyway, since she's making good money. Seth says she looks terrible; he offers to go find Summer so that they can figure this out together. Hailey appears to be considering his offer, but the conversation is interrupted by another bouncer, who shoves Hailey back onto the stage, asking if she didn't do enough coke. Ryan gets in the guy's face about not telling Hailey what to do, and Seth attempts to defuse the impending argument by explaining that they're just going to grab his girlfriend and his aunt "more gently than, say, you." Hee. "Gentle" is not in this bouncer's vocabulary, and he hurls them out the back door, yelling that he doesn't want to see them in the club again. As we go to commercial, Ryan looks pissed. Nobody puts Ryan in an alley!

The kids sit outside under a giant poster of someone famous. I think it's Jimmy Stewart, but please don't send me emails. ["It looked like Frank Sinatra to me, if I recall correctly, but I don't have the episode on tape anymore." -- Wing Chun] They debate what to do about Hailey, but Seth is equally concerned at this point with finding Summer. He suggests that they split up, announcing that he's going to "scale a wall, find a fire escape, climb through a window, the uzhe [as in the first syllable of "usual"]." As Ryan and Marissa stare, Seth explains that he was "very stealth" at Capture the Flag at Camp Takaho when he was growing up. He throws himself against the wall, scrambles momentarily, and then crumples to the ground before concluding that he'll just go around.

A (dim, very dim) light bulb goes off in Marissa's head. She has an idea: they'll go in the VIP entrance! Ryan argues that they're not VIPs, but she counters that they're in Hollywood, and that he should just meet her in a minute.

Back at The Big House, the dinner has been served and a snooty woman proclaims, "This meatloaf is fantastic!" Caleb tells the group it's exactly what they had planned -- comfort food and the sense that "what's old is new again." Sandy snits that he couldn't have said it better himself, and in fact already did. Lady Heather heads to the kitchen to get more wine, which is obviously just a contrivance to get her into the kitchen, since Lady Heather serves no one. She faces out the window at the sink, when Luke appears clawing at the window and beckoning her to come out. Chris Carmack might consider taking it down a notch: you're supposed to be knocking at window, man, not buried alive in a coffin. Lady heather panics at seeing him and gestures for him to duck down. She then shiftily heads back into the dining room, where Luke appears in another window. More spastic coffin-clawing follows. Lady Heather stomps through the house while we see Luke running alongside her outside the house. Through the kitchen door, he insists that they have to talk, and she banishes him "behind the bushes or something." He leaves, and Lady Heather turns back to the curious stares of the kitchen staff, whom she dismisses with a haughty "Back to work!"

Luna Chicks. A giant bouncer yells at Marissa that the entrance is for VIPs only. It must have been difficult for Mischa Barton even to pretend not to be a VIP, seeing as what a big star she is and all and what with all the poor, legless soldiers out there for whom she won't deign to sign autographs. An uncomfortable Ryan appears, and Marissa starts "Oh my God"-ing him. She squeals that he's her favorite character, and then turns to ask if the bouncer watches The Valley. The bouncer snits that he has a job, which is an odd response. Do people with jobs not typically watch television? Marissa Summers that it's "only, like, the best show ever," and then turns back to Ryan; holding him out at arm's length, she tells him, "You are...actually a little shorter than I imagined, but still so hot." The bouncer asks if Ryan's there for the party, and Marissa begs to go in with him. The bouncer tells him, "Take advantage, kid. You're only a teen idol once." Is he speaking from experience?

Limo. Poor Colin Hanks hangs on Summer, who has evolved from excitement to boredom now that they've moved on to watching dailies. Grody asks her opinion on a take, and she whines that she doesn't know because it's "booooooring." He tries to regain her attention with something else: his band's first CD, but she's clearly over him. He pretends to frame her face with his hands as he says he likes her; he doesnt know why, but she's "got something." He smarms that he's a "big fan of" hers, and then goes in for a kiss; she pulls back in surprise and revulsion, asking what he's doing. At that moment, Seth opens the car door, and they all greet each other awkwardly. He explains that he heard some "really, really awful music" and says he knew it could only be "self-indulgent actors with instruments." And if you haven't gotten what this episode is all about by now, Adam Brody is in a band. Adam Brody is also, if you go by this episode, terribly self-indulgent. He asks what Summer's doing there, and she's all, "Leaving!" The opposite side car door opens to reveal a girl, over whom Summer coos because she's also on the show. The girl, April, is not as interested in Summer as she is in what Grody is doing with her, and he shit-mouths a complete lack of explanation. Summer determines that the two are dating and questions whether that's a good idea, since if it doesn't work out, what will happen to the show? April snits that they're about to find out, then runs off with Grody chasing after her; he pauses to tell Summer to make sure to lock up the car. Summer sweetly asks Seth if they can just go home to someplace with real people, and Seth points out that home is Newport Beach. As Summer scoots out of the car, he peeks inside at the television, asking, "Is that a new episode?"

Hailey hasn't had time to remove her eye makeup, but she's undergone an ionic hair straightening. ["I think all her curly hair was a fall or a hair appliance or something." -- Wing Chun] She emerges from the dressing room with pin-straight hair pulled back in a bun, rubbing her coke nose. Ryan and Marissa appear, insisting that Hailey's coming with them. Hailey commends Ryan's sweetness and the "whole Save the Stripper campaign," but claims that she's fine. She urges them to go before they're spotted, but it's too late: big, bad, bald bouncer is just looking for another chance to display his superhuman strength by hurling all 60.5 pounds of Marissa out of the club again. Ryan gets up in his face, and the bouncer's all, "What're you gonna do? What're you gonna do now, big shot? What're you gonna do?" Jimmy saunters up, all, "What're you gonna do? Hit a kid?" Marissa greets him with a surprised "Dad?" The bouncer's all, "What're you? Dad?" and Jimmy's all, "What're you? A guy who's my age and still thinks he's twenty-five?" I don't really get this scene, with all the "what're you"s, but it's kind of funny. The bouncer -- suitably chastised and questioning his life choices ("Why didn't I get married to a money-grubbing bitch; bear two spoiled, self-centered children; and steal money from my friends?") -- tells Jimmy to keep his kids out of the club, and then heads back inside. Jimmy explains that Sandy got held up in Newport; he'll give Hailey a lift (is that what they're calling it these days?), and the kids should head back on their own.