We open this week's show with knocking at the door of Jimmy's Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad. It's Oliver "Poor Little Rich Boy" Trask, and Marissa looks unhappy to see him -- not because a crazy cokehead stalker tracked down her address and showed up on her doorstep, but because she's embarrassed that her house is not impressive enough to be seen by said crazy, cokehead stalker. She grudgingly admits him, immediately explaining that the Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad is only temporary because Jimmy lost his job, news to which Oliver responds, "I don't judge." What he does, however, is apologize. He goes on about having reached a new low, and then claims to have come clean with his parents, reunited with his sponsor, and gotten back together with his imaginary girlfriend Natalie. Except he leaves out the "imaginary" part. Marissa expresses her amazement in the most non-emotive way possible. Is she upset? Is she happy? Is she a carbon-based life form? Oliver credits Ryan for rescuing him, and backstories about last week's arrest and how he should still be in jail. Marissa asks if he wants Ryan's number to thank him, but how would an entire episode be written around that? Instead, Oliver announces that his family has a house in Palm Springs, and as payback he wants to bring Ryan, Marissa, and all their friends there: "Even Luke." He offers that they can meet his parents and Natalie, and Marissa echoes, "Palm Springs" like he just said Planet Xepticon from the Solar System Zagbara and not a town that's a hundred miles away from their current location. When Oliver claims that Natalie's been dying to meet her, Marissa seems particularly enticed. Oliver dangles, "Little getaway; just the gang; on me," and Marissa finally succumbs, heading off to call Ryan, and leaving Oliver alone to boil her pet bunny rabbiton the stove. He restrains himself from doing so just yet (they're saving that for sweeps), but does inspect a picture of Marissa and Ryan together, before ominously slipping it behind a picture of Marissa and Jimmy. Ooooh!
Tinkling! Palm Springs, California here they come!
The camera zooms in on a golf ball, and then on a shiny club between a pair of legs. Sandy's voice calmly coaches, "Just let it hang like a pendulum. Nice and easy, nice and easy." Ryan balks when Sandy advises him to "keep breathing," and then flubs his shot. The golf ball misses the coffee-cup hole and ends up in the swimming pool; a split second later, a snorkel gear-wearing Seth surfaces with the victorious cry, "I got it!" before disappearing into the water again. Hee. We learn that they've already been to the driving range, and a frustrated Ryan announces that he doesn't play golf. Seth replies, "Not true, buddy. You just don't play well." When Sandy suggests that there are other things for Ryan to do in Palm Springs, like go to a spa, Ryan's all, "Nah, I don't spa." Sandy retorts, "You don't golf, you don't spa, what do you do?" which immediately launched in my head -- and which stayed there for the full week, no less -- the chorus of Adam Ant's "Goody Two Shoes," with, "Don't golf, don't spa. What do you do? Don't golf, don't spa. What do you do?" substituted for the real words of the song. In a "Do you have any Grey Poupon?" accent, Seth adds, "Yes, Ryan, what exactly do you do...besides musicals and punching people?" Hee.
Sandy points out that Ryan's "good with the ladies," and Seth and Sandy vigorously agree on this fact. Ryan doesn't like being talked about while he's standing right there, and resolutely announces that he's not going. Seth argues that Ryan should let Oliver repay him by taking him to "his mansion," and also that, without Ryan, there's no trip for the rest of them. But why would Seth be that interested in Oliver's mansion when he lives in one of his own? Sandy, too, marvels at the fact that Oliver's family owns a mansion on a golf course, which to me also doesn't seem anymore impressive than owning a mansion on a bluff in Orange County. When Seth adds that Oliver also has a ski chalet, Sandy suggests that "sometimes it's good to be Oliver," and Seth echoes, "Sometimes it's great to be Oliver." I suspect that there are a number of Newport denizens who think it's pretty great to be Nichols. Err, "Cohens." Catching Ryan's less-than-pleased expression, Seth rushes to say that he and Ryan don't care about these things, and neither does Marissa. He pep-talks that he knows what does impress Marissa: "Look over there, huh? Who's got himself a pool house?" Hee. Sandy adds, "With ocean views!" The golf lesson resumes, and Sandy questions the boys about Oliver's parents, whom they admit they haven't yet met. As Seth rambles on about how cool they probably are, Ryan scrunches up his face and nails the golf ball. This is followed by the sound of shattering glass, and identical confused expressions on the faces of Seth and Sandy. Ryan explains, "I don't do 'nice and easy.'"
In the kitchen, Kirsten and Sandy debate Oliver's trustworthiness. Sandy doesn't trust Oliver, but he does trust "our guys." Aw, with the "our guys." Sandy and Kirsten take solace in the fact that Oliver's parents will be there; besides, Kirsten says, "Seth knows to call hourly." Hourly? Well, there's another response to the question of why Seth -- so funny and cute -- was such an outcast dork before Ryan came along. Sandy concludes that they'll just have to resign themselves to worrying all weekend. Kirsten acts confused about the golfing thing, and so am I. What sixteen-year-olds get all excited about a weekend away to golf? To party? Yes. To ski? Sure. But to golf? ["I just chalked that up to the fact that they're rich, and thus I don't understand their ways." -- Wing Chun] Sandy asks when he'll get Kirsten on the golf course, and she randomly transitions to another subject: the return of the gruesome twosome, a nickname which Sandy trumps this week by moaning at the return of the "ugly Americans." When Kirsten confirms that Caleb and Lady Heather are indeed coming back today, Sandy cuts in to add, "After having confirmed all of Europe's worst suspicions about Americans, I'm guessing." And unless they're actually somewhere in the Middle East asserting their military power and democratic ways over a third-world regime, I think they're at least clear of that particular accusation. Kirsten is most focused on what Caleb's return means for Hailey; she suspects that Hailey will, as usual, take his money and leave.
Hailey enters at this opportune moment and gets right to the point, asking about Caleb's return; Kirsten announces that they'll all have dinner together tonight. With an exaggerated eye-roll, Sandy groans, "Oooh, I'm sorry I'll have to miss that." Hailey whines about Lady Heather's being there, since she's only with Caleb for his money. Sandy mocks, "That is such an unattractive quality." Kirsten nervously offers up a bowl of pastries to Hailey: "Pumpkin muffin?" Sandy responds, "Yes, darling?" Hee. Hee!
Back at Jimmy's Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, Summer has donned a sailor suit to enthuse sarcastically over the fun weekend ahead. Marissa squats so that the sarcasm can go right over her head. Summer asks what could be more fun than "Couplefest 2004," and lists off the groupings, including "Anna and What's-his-face Cohen." Marissa finally realizes that Summer is being sarcastic, and insists that it won't be like that -- they'll all hang out together and have fun. Marissa, having been nearly committed just a few months earlier, has apparently taken this season's fashion inspiration from asylum-wear, and is now wearing a belt across her shoulders. Or maybe it's around her shoulders because no belt is small enough to fit around her waist. In any case, Summer asks, "What's more fun then watching some nerdy neurotic bat his eyelashes at his carefree pixie chick?" and punctuates this question by resting her face in her hands and batting her eyelashes at Marissa. Marissa comments that Summer is clearly okay with the "just friends" thing, and it's Summer's turn to miss the sarcasm, which is completely forgivable since Mischa Barton's monotone line delivery never expresses anything. When Marissa and Summer finally mutually determine that they're both being sarcastic, Summer complains, "Which we never were before Cohen showed up and taught us all irony. Jackass." Marissa asks why Summer's even going on the trip since it will be hard for her. Summer responds that she told them she was fine, and that she has a reputation to keep up. And besides, she reveals, "I can't sabotage the trip if I'm not there." She grows increasingly hysterical, suggesting putting laxatives in his coffee or a "dead frog in [Seth's] X-Men Underoos." Hee. Her mania escalates into screaming as she proposes putting his hand in water while he's sleeping: "It totally makes you pee your bed, and then Anna wakes up, sees he's a bed wetter, and that is awesome! That is just....awesome!" She catches herself in mid-spaz and calmly concludes that she's losing her mind; Marissa agrees, "Little bit." Bemused, Summer adds, "And over Seth Cohen."
Sandy, wearing a very tight sweater, runs into Jimmy on the boardwalk and attempts to confirm that they're on for dinner that night. Jimmy reveals that he just got turned down for the manager's position at The Only Restaurant in Orange County. He points in the direction of the restaurant at "that kid," who was deemed "better suited to the rigors of the job." This leads to a lingering, five-second shot of "that kid" as he casts a dirty look back at Jimmy. Maybe it's a Josh Schwartz cameo; no offense to "that kid" -- I know the teen years aren't easy on any of us -- but if he's not Josh Schwartz, we may be hearing from Josh Schwartz shortly to clear his name. Because that kid got hit with the ugly crab claw. Jimmy's not in the mood for dinner, and suggests rescheduling, but Jimmy points out that The Lighthouse, the restaurant where they planned to eat, is closing down for good tonight. Jimmy acknowledges how poetic it is that he and the restaurant are both done in Orange County. He whines to Sandy that he has no chances left in Newport anymore, and is planning on joining his brother in Phoenix. Sandy, incidentally, doesn't look good in sunglasses; whoever would have guessed he'd actually look less goofy with his eyebrows obscured? Sandy whines that Jimmy can't leave, to which Jimmy responds that he can't stay, either. Sandy announces that he's just headed into the office, and he knows they have some open positions -- nothing glamorous, but entry-level things like paralegal work, filing, and clerking. And while Sandy's intentions are good, I'm not sure that -- of all places -- a law firm wants to hire a law-breaker. Still, an optimistic Jimmy jumps at the offer, announcing that he'll do anything to stay with Marissa. But fuck Caitlyn, right? Sandy blows off Jimmy's gratitude by claiming that since Jimmy is sparing him an evening with Caleb and Hailey, it's the least Sandy can do.
At the pool house, Ryan is packing as Marissa and Summer clomp in. For two girls who can't weigh very much, they sure make a lot of noise when they walk. Marissa and Ryan immediately commence with the making out, leading Summer to shriek, "All right! And so it begins!" She concludes that she's just going to have to get used to it, and Ryan points out that Seth's up in his room. Summer knows where it is, and heads off to make sure Seth's packed. Marissa snivels that they need to be nice to Summer because she's worried that the weekend will be just "couples doing, like, you know, couple-y stuff." Ryan asks if it isn't, and then concludes for himself that they'll be hanging out with Oliver. Marissa tells him that Oliver and Natalie made up, and then asks if Ryan has a problem with Oliver. When Ryan points out that Oliver showed up out of nowhere and is hanging around all the time, Marissa's all, "Yeah. Guy shows up out of the blue. Knows no one. Abandoned by his family. Sound familiar?" As Ryan stares at her, Marissa adds that Oliver wants to repay Ryan for his nice act. Ryan's all, "By playing golf?" Marissa insists that it will be fun; when Ryan points out that she's never seen him play golf, she laughingly responds, "Then I guess it'll be especially fun for me!"
Upstairs, we get an aerial shot of Anna and Seth lying on the bed beside a half-built Jenga tower. Anna is wearing a rainbow shirt, which is different from than the rainbow shirt Hailey had on last week. Who would have thought there'd be two adult-sized shirts with rainbows on them existing in the modern world? I guess eBay makes all things possible, but like human organs, perhaps they could also make illegal the sale of such egregiously wrong items of clothing? Hailey's shirt, by the way, lacked the two fluffy white clouds directly over the nipples. We interrupt Anna and Seth mid-conversation as Seth ponders, "A little gold, a little shvitz." As Seth and Anna fumble with each other's hands, Anna worries that the trip sounds so "old." Seth agrees, but insists, "Somewhere inside of me, there's an old Jewish man who's very excited." He rethinks the comment because it "came out a little disgusting." Creepy background music plays, which may be to set off Summer's impending interruption, but mostly makes us think their relationship is a horror story. Blech. Maybe they'll get out their science textbooks so that there will at least be some chemistry in the room. Seth explains that the "geriatric part of [him]" loves a good Early Bird special, shuffleboard, and mah jongg. He thinks that old people are too old to enjoy being old, but that he's ready to retired for a life of leisure. He's all, "Palm Springs is my mecca." Anna rolls toward him and proposes that what she's looking forward to is a weekend without their parents; Seth sees where she's going with this, and exclaims that they can have dinner whenever they want! He so wouldn't be thinking about meal times -- even jokingly -- with Summer lying to him on the bed. Anna leads him to the point: they can have their own room. They banter back and forth, all "Be still my pacemaker" and "Dirty old man" and "If the orthopedic shoe fits." How such a conversation leads to making out, I'll never understand. The creepy music crescendos and then screeches to sudden silence as Summer busts into the room without knocking, but with an enthusiastic cry of "Hello, friends!" She eagerly asks if they're ready to go, and then swings her purse around to obliterate the Jenga-tower, which had magnificently erected itself in the few minutes since we last saw it. I suspect it's not the only non-erect thing in the room. Summer fake-apologizes, "Oh, sorry. God, Anna, it looked like you were doing so well, too." Anna snippily tells her not to worry about it, and Summer continues babbling about the great weekend they're going to have together. She extends both her arms, opening and closing her fingers in a grabby gesture, before taking both of them by the hands and continuing, "All of us hanging out...as friends."
Outside, the boys load up the car with their gear, including several cases of beer. When Seth asks if he robbed a liquor store, Luke responds that you can't play golf without a buzz on. Seth calls him "Bagger Vance," which doesn't seem particularly funny to me, but I didn't see the movie, so if there's some kind of inside joke there, it escapes me. Again, I expect your emails. (That's not to say I want them.) As Seth lowers a contraption into the car, Luke commends him for bringing along a blender. Seth reveals that it's a humidifier for his nosebleeds. Summer snarks that it's romantic, and Anna defends that she thinks it's sweet and will make their room "like a tropical paradise." Summer snits over how cute it is that Anna finds all of Seth's weaknesses adorable, and he's all, "I'm not weak, okay? I'm just delicate." Hee. Summer joins Luke in the back of the truck; he looks her over and smarms that they're the only two singles. She calmly tells him that she's going to lie down on the driveway so that he can just back the truck right up over her.
A hangdog Oliver approaches, announcing that he and Natalie are over, so maybe they shouldn't go on the trip. Ryan's all, "Maybe we shouldn't." Marissa, though, thinks Oliver needs to talk about it, and besides, they all need to get out of town. Marissa suggests that they talk about it on the way down, then asks Ryan if it's okay if she rides with Oliver, or they can ride together? A confused Ryan is invited to ride with Luke. Meanwhile, Summer scurries up to Anna's convertible, asks if she can ride with them, and then jumps into the front seat with a hurried cry of "Shotgun!" Anna puts on her seatbelt in the driver's seat as if the effort is causing her great pain, while Seth looks flummoxed in the back seat. Marissa thanks Ryan for understanding, and the nice man on the soundtrack starts to scream as a dismayed Ryan walks away. He appears to be carrying his golf clubs back into the house, but when we meet them, they're all in Palm Springs, so I'm not sure what's up with that besides what's getting to be typically bad continuity and laziness on the part of the writers.
Meanwhile, Kirsten is opening the door to find Caleb "Hangin' With Mrs. Cooper" Nichol, Lady Heather, and new flippy hair! On Lady Heather, not Caleb, though that would be particularly noteworthy, what with the baldness and all. Lady Heather hands over a giant wheel of cheese, patronizingly identifying it as brie. In response to Kirsten's inquiry about France, Caleb snits, "Aside from the French...." He immediately begins looking for Hailey, while Lady Heather grumbles that he wouldn't even let her go home first because he was so excited about getting to see his younger daughter. When Kirsten says that Hailey looks good, Caleb immediately concludes that she's too thin. When she insists that Hailey's "spirits are high," Caleb deduces that it means that she's high. When she restates that Hailey's "up," Caleb concludes that she's "on uppers." Finally, Kirsten clarifies that Hailey seems "balanced." She turns her attention to admire Lady Heather's hair; Lady Heather pats the flip and proudly asks, "Isn't it François [sic]?" A smug-looking Hailey enters, and she and Caleb kiss on each cheek, which is just strange. I could see Lady Heather doing that while trying to act cultured and French, but why Hailey? Kirsten and Lady Heather watch, looking pleased and annoyed, respectively. Hailey snits, "Julie, your hair," and Lady Heather snits, "Hailey, you're here." Hee. Caleb starts in on how long its been since he's seen Hailey, but she cuts him off about starting on her already, which he agrees is fair enough -- he'll just stick to hearing about her adventures. Lady Heather interrupts to ask if they can swing by the house, but Caleb ignores her, instead asking Kirsten to whip up some lunch. He and Hailey head off together deep in discussion, leaving Kirsten and Lady Heather to drown their sorrows in brie.
A sign informs us that we're now in Palm Springs, as "It's Not Unusual" plays. As they unload a giant cooler from the car together, Ryan asks how much beer Luke brought, and Luke Steve Sanders that you never know when you might need it. As they walk into the house and put down the cooler, the music abruptly stops once again. Marissa and Oliver, deep in conversation on the couch, express surprise that Luke and Oliver made it to Palm Springs. When Ryan snits that they tried to follow Oliver and Marissa, Oliver admits that he got wrapped up in telling his saga to Marissa. Luke is preoccupied with refrigerating the beer before it skunks, and Oliver volunteers to show him the kitchen, but not without first commenting on how much beer there is. Luke is surprised that everyone keeps saying that, but considering that two of their seven don't even drink, and they're only there for one night, it is a reasonable question. Ryan joins Marissa on the couch, where she explains that Oliver really just needed someone to listen to him. She calls him "fragile," and suggests that getting out of town will help him. Oliver returns, cracking an unsuccessful joke about whether they've been talking about Ryan in his absence. Oliver apologizes to Ryan for "taking [his] girlfriend away," which is not a comment any man would happily receive, never mind one as rightfully untrusting as Ryan. Ryan responds that he wasn't worried, while Marissa shifts around a lot in an attempt to express "discomfort" or quite possible "itch on ass."
We hear Summer's voice complaining, "I'm trying to give you some culture, Cohen," as the remaining three enter. He responds, "Yeah, well, the audio version of The Da Vinci Code is not culture." Anna and Seth are wearing matching athletic-type jackets, which confirms for me that the writers of this show can't possibly want the audience to like their coupling. Because no one likes a couple who dresses alike. Unless they're heading up a variety show, and even then it's an inexplicably unappealing phenomenon. Summer rebuts that it's a true story, the distinction between fact and fiction evidently being something she has a hard time with. Seth answers his cell phone, groaning that six calls in two hours sets a new record. My in-laws, incidentally, have that handily beat. We don't hear Sandy's end of the conversation, just Seth sarcastically suggesting that he'll call from every hole. Luke reenters from the kitchen, holding three beers. Would that be triple fisting?
When Ryan asks about the missing Trask Seniors, Oliver unconvincingly responds that their plane got delayed in Zurich, so they won't be able to make it after all. He changes the subject to welcome the group, and announces that he set up two tee times, figuring that he, Luke, Marissa, and Ryan would golf together while Seth, Summer, and Anna "could be our threesome." Summer looks amused, while Anna and Seth exchange a concerned glance.
Cut to Oliver opening the door of what will be Ryan and Marissa's room, and claiming that he forgot it had two twin beds. Marissa insists that it's fine before heading into the bathroom to change. Oliver expresses appreciation at Ryan's coolness about Oliver's friendship with Marissa, and I suppose "coolness" could be interpreted in two entirely different ways. As they push the beds together, Oliver adds that the last thing Ryan needs, "after everything that went down with Luke," is another guy in Marissa's life not to trust. A wary Ryan asks Oliver to repeat what he just said, and Oliver goes on about how Ryan thought Luke and Marissa were getting back together. Zeroing in on Ryan's weakness, Oliver explains that he's not judging, "but if anyone should have trust issues...." Ryan asks what that's supposed to mean, and Oliver's all, "Just your background." He explains that Marissa filled him in on the ride down in terms of "how amazing it is that [Ryan is] so healthy -- well-adjusted, considering." Ryan stares and echoes, "'Considering,'" while Oliver looks pleased by the damage he's just inflicted. Marissa bursts out of the bathroom, and we learn that despite her family's new poverty, tennis whites are still high on the priority list. When she asks how she looks and spins to model, Oliver smarms, "Perfect." Ryan fails to muster equal enthusiasm.
Back in Newport, Sandy unloads his car trunk in his office parking lot, where he's interrupted by a co-worker, who's also working on the weekend and "trying to buy some time away from the wife and kids." Nice. Meanwhile, in the background of the shot, Sandy's automatic truck takes a distractingly long time to lower itself. When Sandy brings up the prospect of Jimmy's joining the firm, his co-worker asks if Sandy's out of his mind. As one of the most reputable firms in the county, what will it do for their profile to hire its most "notorious criminal"? Jimmy Cooper -- who didn't even serve any jail time -- is the best Newport can come up with for the county's most notorious criminal? I grew up in a small town and we had a bigamist with an entire arsenal in his basement, but all the entire county of Orange can produce is one white-collar thief? Sandy goes the "no such thing as bad publicity" route before pointing out that until Jimmy went down, he was Newport's "most beloved" citizen. The other guy -- whose name we learn is Tom Wellington -- points out that all of that was before Jimmy ripped everyone off. Sandy argues that it was a mistake which is being paid off; doesn't Jimmy deserve a second chance? Tom responds that he might, but not at this firm; he suggests that the best thing Sandy can do is "stand upwind. He'll get his stink all over you." To Tom Wellington's credit, Jimmy does look like he'd wear some bad cologne. Sandy insists that Jimmy's a good guy, and Tom rebuts that if that's true, why doesn't Sandy go into business with him himself? Considering that Sandy also works at the firm, didn't he just try to do that?
Hailey and Caleb catch up on the porch as Lady Heather and Kirsten watch them through the kitchen window. Kirsten laments that Hailey looks so much like their mother that whenever Caleb looks at her, he can't say no to anything. She goes on about how Hailey's playing him with lies about plans to help people, while Hailey's only looking for a paid bender to some exotic place. Lady Heather thinks it's amazing that Caleb can't see that Hailey's only nice to him for his money, which is rich, coming from Lady Heather. Kirsten -- who looks particularly pretty when she's sad -- adds that each time Hailey leaves, it's for a longer and wilder trip; she worries that one day she won't come back at all. Lady Heather responds that since Kirsten is the only person to whom Caleb listens, she should stop him from letting Hailey go.
Back in Palm Springs, it's tee time. Marissa swings and looks around for approval, opening the door for Oliver to do the typical guy thing and attempt to guide her physically through the swing. Much to Ryan's dismay, this involves Oliver's putting his hands on Marissa's hips and making humping motions behind her. Ryan curtly yells, "I think she's got the idea," as Luke looks at him with an expression that perfectly conveys the question "What are you going to do about this guy?" Marissa grimaces through her shot as Oliver smarms, "For a beautiful girl, that is one ugly swing." Ryan's up , and hitches up his pants before taking a very hard swing. Oliver's all, "Don't suppose you were using creative visualization? My face into the golf ball?" Again with the lazy. And the line wasn't even that good the first time.
Elsewhere in Palm Springs, the town is in an uproar. A plaid factory full of touring senior citizens has just exploded, and the remains have landed on Seth and Anna. Seriously? There are no words. While Summer looks very chic and Ali McGraw in white capri pants and a plaid shirt and headband, Seth and Anna are covered in eighty-year-old golfer parts. Anna wears plaid shorty pants, an argyle vest over a polo shirt, and a hat that matches her pants. Seth also wears a cap, but with khakis and a bright yellow cardigan over an electric blue shirt. They both have fuzzy covers on their golf clubs, although since Seth is also lugging Summer's bag, they could be hers. I prefer to think they're Seth's, though. As Anna and Seth drag along after her, Summer cheerily thanks Seth for carrying her clubs, since she really thinks she threw out her back. Anna snidely suggests that they take a golf cart, causing Summer to ask if she's "like, against nature?" Anna rebuts that it's not nature; it's a golf course, while Seth mutters to himself, "I think I have a hernia." Continuing to walk ahead, Summer enthuses that, this way, they can spend more friendly time together! Seth and Anna stop in their tracks, and Anna -- who is in imminent danger of being swallowed by her very large hat -- asks why when Summer says the word "friend," it sounds like a threat. Seth credits her inflection, but insists that they did say they'd try to be friends. And besides, he asks, who else will Summer talk to? Luke? Seth claims that Luke "only recently learned how to walk upright." I know they said they could all be friends, but I have no idea why Seth and Anna are putting up with Summer, who is obviously not behaving in a "friendly" way. We cut back to Summer, who nearly falls over from her swing, and then cutely asks Seth to help her find her ball. She warns Anna to stay back, though, because she might get poison ivy. When Seth whines that he doesn't want to get poison ivy, Summer's all, "Cohen. I thought you were my friend." He grudgingly follows to help her while Anna shoulders her golf bag and snits, "Wow. Looks like Summer's not the only one who lost their [sic] balls."
Ryan takes a bad swing, and Oliver razzes him, pretending to offer sympathy. Marissa giggles, and she should so know better at this point. Luke mumbles to Ryan, "I could hurt that guy"; so could Ryan. Luke casts Oliver a particularly funny dirty look. Oliver asks Marissa if he's trying too hard, because he feels like Ryan hates him, and Marissa insists that Ryan doesn't. As they continue their discussion, Ryan misses a putt while Luke watches Marissa and Oliver skeptically. He quietly tells Ryan, "Hey! Nobody's looking," and urges him to kick his ball into the hole, which Ryan does. Luke happily yells, "Oh! Nice shot, buddy!" Hee. Oliver suggests that they've "torn up the course long enough," and proposes that the last guy back buys the first round, which makes absolutely no sense on several accounts: they're all too young to be sold alcohol; two of them don't even drink; and they don't need to buy any liquor with everything Luke brought along that's back at the house. But whatever. I guess they needed an excuse to commence a crazy golf-cart chase. And so it commences. Oliver and Marissa get a head start since they're standing right by their cart, while Luke and Ryan are left behind to scramble after them. Marissa eggs Oliver on, laughing and clinging to the cart. (Because Ryan's not nearby and she's got to cling to something.) Ryan drives the second cart, out of which Luke hangs while screaming, waving his club in the air, and somehow finding the time to pop open a bottle of beer. Wouldn't the club's security be all over this? Oliver and Marissa's cart crests a hill and disappears; it then suddenly reappears from the opposite direction, turning the chase into a game of golf-cart chicken. We see that Oliver's expression has changed from glee to anger, while Luke and Ryan look concerned. The camera doesn't bother showing Marissa's expression since it's pretty much always the same. Ryan dodges away at the last second; his cart narrowly misses hitting a tree and ends up in some brush. Oliver laughingly gets out of his cart and commends Ryan on his driving. Ryan stalks toward him wanting to know what his problem is. When Oliver says he thought they were just joking, Ryan's all, "Yeah, good joke. Come down here and tell me another one." Oooh, I like the return of Chino Ryan. Oliver snits off back to the house, while Marissa remains behind long enough to defend that Oliver was just playing; she then chases after him. Luke ominously tells Ryan, "That guy was not playing."
Sandy enters The Big House, donning his jacket by shoving both arms into the sleeves and hunching his way into it. Kirsten commends his appearance (but not his crazy dressing technique), and he notes that she doesn't look like she's going to have dinner with her father. She reveals that she's not going: Hailey and Caleb need some one-on-one time, and she doesn't want to be there for it. Sandy groans that he doesn't want to be at his dinner, either. After today, he's realized that Jimmy is indeed done in Newport; his best shot is to leave and start over, so tonight they will eat, drink, and talk about Jimmy's move. Kirsten mocks him for planning to get Jimmy drunk, and Sandy's all, "How do you think I got you to marry me?" Hee. Caleb charges in, all, "So you were drunk!" He concludes that that explains everything. Sandy leaves, sarcastically announcing that it's always a pleasure.
Caleb notices that Kirsten's not dressed; she says she's not going because they both know why Hailey's there. When Caleb claims that Hailey just wants to catch up with her family, Kirsten says she can't believe he buys that. Caleb chides her for being jealous of her "baby sister," because he loves them both equally. Kirsten responds, "You don't, but that's okay." What's not okay, however, is for Hailey to take advantage of Caleb's love for her. Caleb deduces that Kirsten wants him to cut Hailey off; she thinks he wants to, as well. Caleb ponders.
Seth stares into his humidifier, announcing that his "old Jewish man is very happy right now," because they had dinner at 6 and are in bed at 8. Anna urges him to "stop futzing," because it's humid enough in the room. He's all, "No, no, I can't. Futzing's what I do, my darling. I almost have it." And again, if Summer were there, Seth would not be wasting his time with the futzing. Anna -- who has scraped the rainbow off her shirt and pasted it onto her face -- waits for him in bed, wearing a satin pink negligee with a white t-shirt underneath it. Seth finally dashes back toward the bed while making cat-like sounds to demonstrate that the humidifier is "purring like a kitten." Anna tries to be sexy as she points out that the two of them are alone in bed, but she comes off less sexy than mentally challenged. Seth seems hesitant to join her in bed, and stands rubbing his face into a pillow and admiring the fact that it's polyfill which, while not as comfy as down, is "good for our little allergies, our sniffles." He pinches Anna's nose while she giggles. He finally throws himself onto the bed, wriggling around, kicking up his legs, and marveling over the fact that it's "posturepedic for [his] back...and [her] back." He tickles her in the back, and tickling -- not to mention on the back -- is so not sexy to me. As Seth finally settles down, he moans, "My catheter fell out." And I'm not finding Adam Brody so adorable in these scenes, by the way. He's trying awfully hard.
The screeching sound happens again as Summer interrupts with a chipper "Hey guys!" She complains that Luke is hogging the remote, and that her choices are football or porn, so can she watch TV with them? Anna points out that they're not watching, and a head-scratching Seth reveals that they were just about to go to bed. Summer disbelievingly announces that it's only 8, and asks if they're "like, seventy?" Seth responds, "On the inside, yes." Summer says she gets that the friends thing is whatever works for them, "like specific friend hours, right?" or "an on-off switch." She rambles on about needing an appointment book, and her voice rises toward the manic as she asks if she has to schedule friend time in advance. Anna and Seth rush to insist that she doesn't, and she immediately says, "Great!," launching herself onto the bed between them. She grabs the remote, sits cross-legged, and begins flipping through the channels, stopping to admire the latest Enrique Iglesias video. ["Which would be another meta moment, since that video co-stars Mischa Barton." -- Wing Chun] She asks if Anna can imagine being with a guy with abs like that, and then leans over to pat Seth's stomach and conclude, "Huh. Yeah. Apparently not."
Oliver interrupts Ryan as he's doing dishes, insisting that Ryan doesn't need to do that. When Ryan says he doesn't mind, Oliver leans across to turn off the water. When Ryan turns it right back on, Oliver announces that he can at least help. Ryan reveals that Marissa is getting changed for the hot tub, nearly causing Oliver to ejaculate. He gains control of himself, and then asks if he and Ryan can start over again; he thinks they got off on the wrong foot and he wants them to be friends. He plaintively asks what he can do, and Ryan's all, "time you wanna be alone with my girlfriend? Let me know so I can stay home." They stare at each other, and Oliver suddenly throws the plate he's holding into the sink, where it shatters. He beats his fist against the sink while yelling that this always happens! Natalie! His Pacific friends! And now Ryan! Beating his head with his hands, he completely freaks out, yelling at himself, "You're so stupid! Dammit!" It's all very "hot water hurt baby!" of him. Ryan watches him in confusion as Oliver continues ranting that everyone who knows him for more than five minutes ends up hating his guts. Ryan unconvincingly insists that no one hates Oliver, and looks around for a TV Guide to see if People's Court might be coming on soon. Marissa suddenly appears in her bikini, asking if Oliver's okay; he claims he just needs fresh air and is going to get breakfast for tomorrow. When she offers to go with him, he tells her to stay with Ryan. After he leaves, she immediately turns on Ryan, amazed that he managed to drive Oliver out of his own house. Her eyes are so big, she looks like a Precious Moments figurine. She's lovely. But she still sucks. (And if the sequence of the three sentences somehow led you to the conclusion that I think Precious Moments figurines are lovely -- for the record, I do not.) Ryan explains that Oliver just went off; when pressed, he reveals that they were talking about Marissa. Marissa says that Oliver may have problems, but that Ryan's the one who's paranoid! When she asks what his problem is, he snits that it might be that she spent the whole car ride to Palm Springs telling Oliver everything about him. She claims that she was just talking about her life, and Ryan's part of it! She doesn't understand what's going on with him!
Jimmy and Sandy drink martinis at The Lighthouse, as Sandy slurs that there must be something else he can do for Jimmy. Jimmy says he's tried everything, and that this is for the best. He adds, "I never really wanted to be a financial planner. Or a thief." Hee. Sandy asks him what he wants to do, and all Jimmy can say is what he doesn't want to do: be forty years old, divorced with two kids, and trying to figure out what he wants to do. Well, really. I wouldn't want those two kids either. Jimmy reveals that he always wanted to be a pilot, because he likes stewardesses, while Sandy claims he wanted to be left fielder for the Yankees: "In fact, it was the pursuit of that dream that carried me all the way through law school." Hee. Jimmy reveals that the most enjoyable job he ever had was managing this very restaurant, the summer he married Julie. Sandy expresses surprise as they commiserate over the restaurant's closing. Sandy points out that John Wayne and Gary Cooper used to go there, and that "it's the last bit of old Newport." They get on a roll talking about how all the restaurant needs is a facelift. Jimmy thinks the land value alone would pay for the renovations, and with an updated menu and a revived happy hour, it could thrive. Sandy nods happily, and they agree that it would be fun. The kids would come in! Jimmy could hit on them! They agree that it would be more fun than a lawsuit, or moving to Phoenix. Sandy stops and stares at Jimmy, while Jimmy asks what he's thinking. Sandy beckons the waitress for more drinks.
Back in Palm Springs, Seth and Anna "ooh" over a commercial for Egg McMuffins. Seth jabs his clenched hands into her stomach and wonders why McDonald's can't serve Egg McMuffins all day; she agrees and asks, "What technological innovation is preventing that?" He ponders why they can put a man on the moon, but they can't serve an Egg McMuffin after 10:30 AM; he enthusiastically concludes, "Can't figure it out! Doesn't make sense!" At the foot of the bed, an annoyed Summer changes the channel. Anna exclaims, "Cabbage Patch Kids!" and it's not like they have commercials for those things today, so either Summer just flipped past I Love the 80s, or it's a contrivance for Josh Schwartz to air his neuroses about those ugly-ass dolls. (Not including, of course, preemie Ace Xerxes, who wears a fetching blue sailor suit and still holds a place of honor on my childhood bed at my parents' house.) In any case, Seth grimaces as he says, "I don't really get the whole, like, legend of the Cabbage Patch. It freaks me out." Anna responds, "What? Babies harvested from the heads of cabbage? What's so freaky about that?" As Seth rambles on that the Patch is like a "child slavery ring," Anna giggles. He mutters that it's disgusting, and that it makes him want to vomit. We pan back down again to Summer, also about to vomit but for entirely different reasons. Seth and Anna continue to paw at each other and then enthuse over the Smurfs. Anna coos, and Seth asks if she knows how big they are. She doesn't, and he sings something about their being "three apples" high. She thinks that sounds big, and so do I. It takes them out of the realm of cuteness and into full-on creepy. Assuming an apple is three inches tall, that's almost a foot! Inch-high, pants-wearing blue creatures are cute. Foot-high pants-wearing blue creatures are frightening. ["I'd just like to add that Anna and Seth are too young to get nostalgic about either Cabbage Patch Kids or Smurfs; those are both things from my childhood -- or my sister's, if you want to push it, and she is long past high school." -- Wing Chun] When Seth suggests that there should be a channel of the two of them watching television, Anna agrees, "We are that good." Summer enthusiastically turns to commend their whole "witty banter thing." They're just like brother and sister! They could totally be related! She skips off to bed, leaving Seth and Anna in the awkward wake of that uncomfortably V.C. Andrews-ish sentiment. Seth removes his hand from Anna, and she stiffly rolls over to go to sleep.
Marissa stares into the fireplace; she tells Ryan that Oliver hasn't returned or called, and that it's been two hours. She reveals that Oliver's been battling depression for a while, and has also had substance-abuse problems. The phone rings, and Marissa eagerly greets Oliver. We cut to him, reclining on a couch in the penthouse and groaning that "something happened" and he "messed up real bad." He sure did. It's really bad. When he reveals that he drove back to Newport and took a bunch of pills, Marissa urges him to call an ambulance, but he refuses. He says he's scared, and suggests that he could just throw them all up. Marissa agrees that he should do that, and he says he'll try, before whiningly asking if she'll come back, because he's so scared. She agrees to leave immediately, and then hangs up and jumps into action, while Ryan stands by looking curious and probably weighing her beauty against her annoyingness.
In the car, Marissa worries that Oliver's not picking up the phone, and Ryan points out that she just talked to him. As Marissa continues trying to reach him in her panic, we cut back to the penthouse, where Oliver -- who is no Carlton Banks -- bops around the room, drink in hand, to "It's Not Unusual." He sits down, pops the lids off various pill bottles and scatters them across the room; he then dumps the pills onto the coffee table. The phone rings and rings as he pulls a jar off the end table, removes the lid, and dumps the pills into it, before replacing it on the table. He reclines, sips his drink, and waits.
Kirsten snuggles up in The Beautiful Blue Bedroom under a Beautiful Blue Blanket. Hailey storms into the room, yelling about Kirsten's conversation with Caleb. As Kirsten tries to defend herself with the fact that she and Caleb had agreed on the subject, Hailey whines that the one thing they agreed on was how to screw Hailey over.
Moments later, Hailey is storming down the steps as Kirsten chases after her, cajoling that Hailey doesn't have to go. But Hailey thought that was what Kirsten wanted -- Hailey out on her own, taking neither Caleb's money nor room in The Big House. Kirsten argues that she never said Hailey couldn't stay, but Hailey snits that Kirsten wanted her to live her own life, and then sabotaged her relationship with Caleb! Kirsten questions the existence of a relationship in the first place: all Hailey ever does is take Caleb's money and leave! Hailey points out that their relationship is between herself and Caleb. She qualifies the statement: "Was between me and dad." Kirsten just doesn't want to see Hailey get in more trouble, and Hailey points out that she won't have to, now. We hear the honking of a horn, and Hailey explains that it's her cab. When Kirsten pleads that Hailey doesn't have anywhere to go and no money, Hailey's all, "Well, whose fault is that?" She claims she'll find another way. Kirsten suggests that she could work for Caleb, and Hailey replies, "Why? So I can be as independent as you are? Living off his money in the McMansion he built you?" And really, she does have a point there. I'm no Hailey fan, but Kirsten seems to think that as long as she lives in Caleb's back pocket, she's more entitled to his money than her sister is. Hailey announces that Kirsten is right: she needs her own life, and the only way to do that is to get as far away from Caleb and Kirsten as she can.
Having arrived at the Four Seasons, Marissa throws herself up against the penthouse door, screaming Oliver's name. She thinks they might have to call Security. I think since she's in The Four Seasons, she just did. People don't take well to screaming in five-star hotels. Just as Ryan turns to go for help, the door opens and Marissa throws herself around Oliver's neck because he's okay. When she asks why he didn't answer the phone, he claims he was in the shower doing a lame Alfonso Ribeiro imitation. Oliver tells them to go, and enjoy the rest of the weekend, but Marissa insists that they're not going anywhere, and charges into the apartment. Oliver happily watcher her enter, and then turns back to lock eyes with Ryan, who trails her slowly into the room. Marissa makes her way into the penthouse, looking around like she's expecting something to pop out at her. Oliver reveals that he took a bunch of sleeping pills and some painkillers; when Marissa asks how many, he claims he doesn't remember, but promises that he got them all out of his system. Marissa asks if he drank any water, because he's probably dehydrated, and then suggests that they call room service for ginger ale or Gatorade. Ryan suggests that they take Oliver to the emergency room, but Oliver shortly responds that if he still had drugs in his system, he'd have felt them by now. When Ryan asks why they should take that chance, Oliver responds that if he goes to the hospital, he'll be put under a seventy-two-hour suicide watch, and that the police will call his parent in Zurich. What would be so wrong with that, again? If Oliver hadn't made all of this up, I mean. Oliver insists again that he's fine; he just wants to crawl into bed and forget the day ever happened. Except for the part where he saw Marissa in a bikini.
Back in the Beautiful Blue Bedroom, Kirsten is lying in bed reading when Sandy enters and exaggeratedly closes the door, and then backs into the room, looking startled to come face to face with the bureau. Kristen watches in amusement, and finally interrupts by saying his name. Sandy's all, "Hey! You're awake!" before doing a funky slow jog across the room to her. He stubs his toe on the bed, and kisses her as he continues to groan from the pain. When she asks if he's drunk, he makes a "just a little bit" gesture with his hand. She details the whole fiasco with Hailey, and then he trumps her by revealing that he might have just gone into business with Jimmy. Kirsten asks, "Really? And what kind of business is that?" When Sandy reveals that it's a restaurant, she concludes, "Oh, you are drunk." He's all, "Oh, in an adorable way, I think? Oui? No?" Hee. Kirsten asks what he'll do about the law firm, and he claims that they'll have his body, adding, "And so will you, by the way," but that the restaurant will have his soul, income, and savings. When Kirsten asks how he'll manage, Sandy yelps that he's making more money then ever, but that he's having way less fun. He whines that he used to help people for a living, and that Jimmy really needs his help, because if he doesn't make this happen, Jimmy will have to leave town, and he doesn't want that. He tells Kirsten, "It's been a long time since I had a friend in Newport. I don't wanna have to find another friend in Newport." Sandy asks Kirsten if he's crazy, and concludes, before she can answer, that he is. He lies down beside her with his head on her chest, and she strokes his hair, contentedly saying he'd have to be crazy to go into the restaurant business, but that it means a lot to her that he wants to help Jimmy. She'll have to tell him again tomorrow, though, because he's already asleep.
Luke's car rolls into the driveway of The Big House. He checks out the back seat and whispers to Summer, "Aw. They're sleepin'"! Clearly, he thinks Seth and Anna are cute like puppies, as opposed to human beings. Summer is not so amused, and reaches across Luke to slam her hand down on the horn. After Seth and Anna exit, Luke points out that it must be weird for Summer to be so into Seth and see him with someone else; it was like that for him with Marissa. "Whatevs," says Summer; she's over it, moving on, and ready for her "victim." For the record, Luke tells her, whoever that is will be a "lucky dude," because she's looking hot these days. Summer smiles bashfully as Luke adds, "Real hot." She thanks him, and he stares at her for just a little too long. She jumps up to exclaim, "Ohmigod, ew! Oh, God. I'm sorry, Luke. You're cute and everything, but there's just no way." Used to rejection by now, Luke puts the car into gear and tells her, "No worries."
Back at the penthouse, Ryan is playing Hardy Boys -- he's the Frank to Seth's Joe -- crawling around on the floor, examining empty pill bottles. Marissa returns from playing nurse to Oliver, telling Ryan that Oliver's going to be all right, because she'd know, what with her medical degree and all. Ryan is not amused when Marissa says she's going to stay the night just to be sure, but Marissa insists that she can't leave Oliver alone because what if he tries it again? Hence the necessity of the hospital's seventy-two-hour suicide watch? Ryan leadingly asks, "If he tried it the first time?" He slams the pill bottle in his hand on the end table right to the jarful of hidden pills, as Marissa angrily asks what he's talking about. Ryan asks why Oliver wouldn't let them call the hospital, and Marissa points out that he didn't want his "parents shipping him off to an institution." She's not projecting or anything. Ryan asks what kind of person does this, causing Marissa to shake her head and back away as Ryan shit-mouths that he didn't mean it, and besides, she wasn't trying to kill herself. Marissa points out that Oliver might not have wanted to kill himself either, but that he's her friend, and she won't just leave him alone tonight! As she orders Ryan just to go home, Oliver emerges from the bedroom to thank Ryan for everything. He apologizes for ruining the trip, and wishes him a good night. Marissa snits that she'll call Ryan tomorrow, and then follows Oliver into the bedroom. Ryan watches her go, and then looks around the penthouse one last time as the angry music flares again and grows louder. Ryan walks out into the hallway, closes the door behind him, and pauses. The camera pulls away. He turns back to stare at the door.
time on The O.C., Oliver transfers to Harbor and tells Ryan that there was an "incident" at his last school. Ryan and Seth have words over Oliver's intentions, and Ryan breaks into Oliver's confidential file for proof. There's some parenting, and Ryan makes lots of Angry Eyes.