We open this week's show with knocking at the door of Jimmy's Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad. It's Oliver "Poor Little Rich Boy" Trask, and Marissa looks unhappy to see him -- not because a crazy cokehead stalker tracked down her address and showed up on her doorstep, but because she's embarrassed that her house is not impressive enough to be seen by said crazy, cokehead stalker. She grudgingly admits him, immediately explaining that the Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad is only temporary because Jimmy lost his job, news to which Oliver responds, "I don't judge." What he does, however, is apologize. He goes on about having reached a new low, and then claims to have come clean with his parents, reunited with his sponsor, and gotten back together with his imaginary girlfriend Natalie. Except he leaves out the "imaginary" part. Marissa expresses her amazement in the most non-emotive way possible. Is she upset? Is she happy? Is she a carbon-based life form? Oliver credits Ryan for rescuing him, and backstories about last week's arrest and how he should still be in jail. Marissa asks if he wants Ryan's number to thank him, but how would an entire episode be written around that? Instead, Oliver announces that his family has a house in Palm Springs, and as payback he wants to bring Ryan, Marissa, and all their friends there: "Even Luke." He offers that they can meet his parents and Natalie, and Marissa echoes, "Palm Springs" like he just said Planet Xepticon from the Solar System Zagbara and not a town that's a hundred miles away from their current location. When Oliver claims that Natalie's been dying to meet her, Marissa seems particularly enticed. Oliver dangles, "Little getaway; just the gang; on me," and Marissa finally succumbs, heading off to call Ryan, and leaving Oliver alone to boil her pet bunny rabbiton the stove. He restrains himself from doing so just yet (they're saving that for sweeps), but does inspect a picture of Marissa and Ryan together, before ominously slipping it behind a picture of Marissa and Jimmy. Ooooh!
Tinkling! Palm Springs, California here they come!
The camera zooms in on a golf ball, and then on a shiny club between a pair of legs. Sandy's voice calmly coaches, "Just let it hang like a pendulum. Nice and easy, nice and easy." Ryan balks when Sandy advises him to "keep breathing," and then flubs his shot. The golf ball misses the coffee-cup hole and ends up in the swimming pool; a split second later, a snorkel gear-wearing Seth surfaces with the victorious cry, "I got it!" before disappearing into the water again. Hee. We learn that they've already been to the driving range, and a frustrated Ryan announces that he doesn't play golf. Seth replies, "Not true, buddy. You just don't play well." When Sandy suggests that there are other things for Ryan to do in Palm Springs, like go to a spa, Ryan's all, "Nah, I don't spa." Sandy retorts, "You don't golf, you don't spa, what do you do?" which immediately launched in my head -- and which stayed there for the full week, no less -- the chorus of Adam Ant's "Goody Two Shoes," with, "Don't golf, don't spa. What do you do? Don't golf, don't spa. What do you do?" substituted for the real words of the song. In a "Do you have any Grey Poupon?" accent, Seth adds, "Yes, Ryan, what exactly do you do...besides musicals and punching people?" Hee.
Sandy points out that Ryan's "good with the ladies," and Seth and Sandy vigorously agree on this fact. Ryan doesn't like being talked about while he's standing right there, and resolutely announces that he's not going. Seth argues that Ryan should let Oliver repay him by taking him to "his mansion," and also that, without Ryan, there's no trip for the rest of them. But why would Seth be that interested in Oliver's mansion when he lives in one of his own? Sandy, too, marvels at the fact that Oliver's family owns a mansion on a golf course, which to me also doesn't seem anymore impressive than owning a mansion on a bluff in Orange County. When Seth adds that Oliver also has a ski chalet, Sandy suggests that "sometimes it's good to be Oliver," and Seth echoes, "Sometimes it's great to be Oliver." I suspect that there are a number of Newport denizens who think it's pretty great to be Nichols. Err, "Cohens." Catching Ryan's less-than-pleased expression, Seth rushes to say that he and Ryan don't care about these things, and neither does Marissa. He pep-talks that he knows what does impress Marissa: "Look over there, huh? Who's got himself a pool house?" Hee. Sandy adds, "With ocean views!" The golf lesson resumes, and Sandy questions the boys about Oliver's parents, whom they admit they haven't yet met. As Seth rambles on about how cool they probably are, Ryan scrunches up his face and nails the golf ball. This is followed by the sound of shattering glass, and identical confused expressions on the faces of Seth and Sandy. Ryan explains, "I don't do 'nice and easy.'"
In the kitchen, Kirsten and Sandy debate Oliver's trustworthiness. Sandy doesn't trust Oliver, but he does trust "our guys." Aw, with the "our guys." Sandy and Kirsten take solace in the fact that Oliver's parents will be there; besides, Kirsten says, "Seth knows to call hourly." Hourly? Well, there's another response to the question of why Seth -- so funny and cute -- was such an outcast dork before Ryan came along. Sandy concludes that they'll just have to resign themselves to worrying all weekend. Kirsten acts confused about the golfing thing, and so am I. What sixteen-year-olds get all excited about a weekend away to golf? To party? Yes. To ski? Sure. But to golf? ["I just chalked that up to the fact that they're rich, and thus I don't understand their ways." -- Wing Chun] Sandy asks when he'll get Kirsten on the golf course, and she randomly transitions to another subject: the return of the gruesome twosome, a nickname which Sandy trumps this week by moaning at the return of the "ugly Americans." When Kirsten confirms that Caleb and Lady Heather are indeed coming back today, Sandy cuts in to add, "After having confirmed all of Europe's worst suspicions about Americans, I'm guessing." And unless they're actually somewhere in the Middle East asserting their military power and democratic ways over a third-world regime, I think they're at least clear of that particular accusation. Kirsten is most focused on what Caleb's return means for Hailey; she suspects that Hailey will, as usual, take his money and leave.
“ Summer has donned a sailor suit to enthuse sarcastically over the fun weekend ahead. Marissa squats so that the sarcasm can go right over her head. ”
Hailey enters at this opportune moment and gets right to the point, asking about Caleb's return; Kirsten announces that they'll all have dinner together tonight. With an exaggerated eye-roll, Sandy groans, "Oooh, I'm sorry I'll have to miss that." Hailey whines about Lady Heather's being there, since she's only with Caleb for his money. Sandy mocks, "That is such an unattractive quality." Kirsten nervously offers up a bowl of pastries to Hailey: "Pumpkin muffin?" Sandy responds, "Yes, darling?" Hee. Hee!
Back at Jimmy's Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, Summer has donned a sailor suit to enthuse sarcastically over the fun weekend ahead. Marissa squats so that the sarcasm can go right over her head. Summer asks what could be more fun than "Couplefest 2004," and lists off the groupings, including "Anna and What's-his-face Cohen." Marissa finally realizes that Summer is being sarcastic, and insists that it won't be like that -- they'll all hang out together and have fun. Marissa, having been nearly committed just a few months earlier, has apparently taken this season's fashion inspiration from asylum-wear, and is now wearing a belt across her shoulders. Or maybe it's around her shoulders because no belt is small enough to fit around her waist. In any case, Summer asks, "What's more fun then watching some nerdy neurotic bat his eyelashes at his carefree pixie chick?" and punctuates this question by resting her face in her hands and batting her eyelashes at Marissa. Marissa comments that Summer is clearly okay with the "just friends" thing, and it's Summer's turn to miss the sarcasm, which is completely forgivable since Mischa Barton's monotone line delivery never expresses anything. When Marissa and Summer finally mutually determine that they're both being sarcastic, Summer complains, "Which we never were before Cohen showed up and taught us all irony. Jackass." Marissa asks why Summer's even going on the trip since it will be hard for her. Summer responds that she told them she was fine, and that she has a reputation to keep up. And besides, she reveals, "I can't sabotage the trip if I'm not there." She grows increasingly hysterical, suggesting putting laxatives in his coffee or a "dead frog in [Seth's] X-Men Underoos." Hee. Her mania escalates into screaming as she proposes putting his hand in water while he's sleeping: "It totally makes you pee your bed, and then Anna wakes up, sees he's a bed wetter, and that is awesome! That is just....awesome!" She catches herself in mid-spaz and calmly concludes that she's losing her mind; Marissa agrees, "Little bit." Bemused, Summer adds, "And over Seth Cohen."
“ No offense to 'that kid' -- I know the teen years aren't easy on any of us -- but if he's not Josh Schwartz, we may be hearing from Josh Schwartz shortly to clear his name. Because that kid got hit with the ugly crab claw. ”
Sandy, wearing a very tight sweater, runs into Jimmy on the boardwalk and attempts to confirm that they're on for dinner that night. Jimmy reveals that he just got turned down for the manager's position at The Only Restaurant in Orange County. He points in the direction of the restaurant at "that kid," who was deemed "better suited to the rigors of the job." This leads to a lingering, five-second shot of "that kid" as he casts a dirty look back at Jimmy. Maybe it's a Josh Schwartz cameo; no offense to "that kid" -- I know the teen years aren't easy on any of us -- but if he's not Josh Schwartz, we may be hearing from Josh Schwartz shortly to clear his name. Because that kid got hit with the ugly crab claw. Jimmy's not in the mood for dinner, and suggests rescheduling, but Jimmy points out that The Lighthouse, the restaurant where they planned to eat, is closing down for good tonight. Jimmy acknowledges how poetic it is that he and the restaurant are both done in Orange County. He whines to Sandy that he has no chances left in Newport anymore, and is planning on joining his brother in Phoenix. Sandy, incidentally, doesn't look good in sunglasses; whoever would have guessed he'd actually look less goofy with his eyebrows obscured? Sandy whines that Jimmy can't leave, to which Jimmy responds that he can't stay, either. Sandy announces that he's just headed into the office, and he knows they have some open positions -- nothing glamorous, but entry-level things like paralegal work, filing, and clerking. And while Sandy's intentions are good, I'm not sure that -- of all places -- a law firm wants to hire a law-breaker. Still, an optimistic Jimmy jumps at the offer, announcing that he'll do anything to stay with Marissa. But fuck Caitlyn, right? Sandy blows off Jimmy's gratitude by claiming that since Jimmy is sparing him an evening with Caleb and Hailey, it's the least Sandy can do.
At the pool house, Ryan is packing as Marissa and Summer clomp in. For two girls who can't weigh very much, they sure make a lot of noise when they walk. Marissa and Ryan immediately commence with the making out, leading Summer to shriek, "All right! And so it begins!" She concludes that she's just going to have to get used to it, and Ryan points out that Seth's up in his room. Summer knows where it is, and heads off to make sure Seth's packed. Marissa snivels that they need to be nice to Summer because she's worried that the weekend will be just "couples doing, like, you know, couple-y stuff." Ryan asks if it isn't, and then concludes for himself that they'll be hanging out with Oliver. Marissa tells him that Oliver and Natalie made up, and then asks if Ryan has a problem with Oliver. When Ryan points out that Oliver showed up out of nowhere and is hanging around all the time, Marissa's all, "Yeah. Guy shows up out of the blue. Knows no one. Abandoned by his family. Sound familiar?" As Ryan stares at her, Marissa adds that Oliver wants to repay Ryan for his nice act. Ryan's all, "By playing golf?" Marissa insists that it will be fun; when Ryan points out that she's never seen him play golf, she laughingly responds, "Then I guess it'll be especially fun for me!"
Upstairs, we get an aerial shot of Anna and Seth lying on the bed beside a half-built Jenga tower. Anna is wearing a rainbow shirt, which is different from than the rainbow shirt Hailey had on last week. Who would have thought there'd be two adult-sized shirts with rainbows on them existing in the modern world? I guess eBay makes all things possible, but like human organs, perhaps they could also make illegal the sale of such egregiously wrong items of clothing? Hailey's shirt, by the way, lacked the two fluffy white clouds directly over the nipples. We interrupt Anna and Seth mid-conversation as Seth ponders, "A little gold, a little shvitz." As Seth and Anna fumble with each other's hands, Anna worries that the trip sounds so "old." Seth agrees, but insists, "Somewhere inside of me, there's an old Jewish man who's very excited." He rethinks the comment because it "came out a little disgusting." Creepy background music plays, which may be to set off Summer's impending interruption, but mostly makes us think their relationship is a horror story. Blech. Maybe they'll get out their science textbooks so that there will at least be some chemistry in the room. Seth explains that the "geriatric part of [him]" loves a good Early Bird special, shuffleboard, and mah jongg. He thinks that old people are too old to enjoy being old, but that he's ready to retired for a life of leisure. He's all, "Palm Springs is my mecca." Anna rolls toward him and proposes that what she's looking forward to is a weekend without their parents; Seth sees where she's going with this, and exclaims that they can have dinner whenever they want! He so wouldn't be thinking about meal times -- even jokingly -- with Summer lying to him on the bed. Anna leads him to the point: they can have their own room. They banter back and forth, all "Be still my pacemaker" and "Dirty old man" and "If the orthopedic shoe fits." How such a conversation leads to making out, I'll never understand. The creepy music crescendos and then screeches to sudden silence as Summer busts into the room without knocking, but with an enthusiastic cry of "Hello, friends!" She eagerly asks if they're ready to go, and then swings her purse around to obliterate the Jenga-tower, which had magnificently erected itself in the few minutes since we last saw it. I suspect it's not the only non-erect thing in the room. Summer fake-apologizes, "Oh, sorry. God, Anna, it looked like you were doing so well, too." Anna snippily tells her not to worry about it, and Summer continues babbling about the great weekend they're going to have together. She extends both her arms, opening and closing her fingers in a grabby gesture, before taking both of them by the hands and continuing, "All of us hanging out...as friends."
Outside, the boys load up the car with their gear, including several cases of beer. When Seth asks if he robbed a liquor store, Luke responds that you can't play golf without a buzz on. Seth calls him "Bagger Vance," which doesn't seem particularly funny to me, but I didn't see the movie, so if there's some kind of inside joke there, it escapes me. Again, I expect your emails. (That's not to say I want them.) As Seth lowers a contraption into the car, Luke commends him for bringing along a blender. Seth reveals that it's a humidifier for his nosebleeds. Summer snarks that it's romantic, and Anna defends that she thinks it's sweet and will make their room "like a tropical paradise." Summer snits over how cute it is that Anna finds all of Seth's weaknesses adorable, and he's all, "I'm not weak, okay? I'm just delicate." Hee. Summer joins Luke in the back of the truck; he looks her over and smarms that they're the only two singles. She calmly tells him that she's going to lie down on the driveway so that he can just back the truck right up over her.
A hangdog Oliver approaches, announcing that he and Natalie are over, so maybe they shouldn't go on the trip. Ryan's all, "Maybe we shouldn't." Marissa, though, thinks Oliver needs to talk about it, and besides, they all need to get out of town. Marissa suggests that they talk about it on the way down, then asks Ryan if it's okay if she rides with Oliver, or they can ride together? A confused Ryan is invited to ride with Luke. Meanwhile, Summer scurries up to Anna's convertible, asks if she can ride with them, and then jumps into the front seat with a hurried cry of "Shotgun!" Anna puts on her seatbelt in the driver's seat as if the effort is causing her great pain, while Seth looks flummoxed in the back seat. Marissa thanks Ryan for understanding, and the nice man on the soundtrack starts to scream as a dismayed Ryan walks away. He appears to be carrying his golf clubs back into the house, but when we meet them, they're all in Palm Springs, so I'm not sure what's up with that besides what's getting to be typically bad continuity and laziness on the part of the writers.
Meanwhile, Kirsten is opening the door to find Caleb "Hangin' With Mrs. Cooper" Nichol, Lady Heather, and new flippy hair! On Lady Heather, not Caleb, though that would be particularly noteworthy, what with the baldness and all. Lady Heather hands over a giant wheel of cheese, patronizingly identifying it as brie. In response to Kirsten's inquiry about France, Caleb snits, "Aside from the French...." He immediately begins looking for Hailey, while Lady Heather grumbles that he wouldn't even let her go home first because he was so excited about getting to see his younger daughter. When Kirsten says that Hailey looks good, Caleb immediately concludes that she's too thin. When she insists that Hailey's "spirits are high," Caleb deduces that it means that she's high. When she restates that Hailey's "up," Caleb concludes that she's "on uppers." Finally, Kirsten clarifies that Hailey seems "balanced." She turns her attention to admire Lady Heather's hair; Lady Heather pats the flip and proudly asks, "Isn't it Franois [sic]?" A smug-looking Hailey enters, and she and Caleb kiss on each cheek, which is just strange. I could see Lady Heather doing that while trying to act cultured and French, but why Hailey? Kirsten and Lady Heather watch, looking pleased and annoyed, respectively. Hailey snits, "Julie, your hair," and Lady Heather snits, "Hailey, you're here." Hee. Caleb starts in on how long its been since he's seen Hailey, but she cuts him off about starting on her already, which he agrees is fair enough -- he'll just stick to hearing about her adventures. Lady Heather interrupts to ask if they can swing by the house, but Caleb ignores her, instead asking Kirsten to whip up some lunch. He and Hailey head off together deep in discussion, leaving Kirsten and Lady Heather to drown their sorrows in brie.
“ Seth answers his cell phone, groaning that six calls in two hours sets a new record. My in-laws, incidentally, have that handily beat. ”
A sign informs us that we're now in Palm Springs, as "It's Not Unusual" plays. As they unload a giant cooler from the car together, Ryan asks how much beer Luke brought, and Luke Steve Sanders that you never know when you might need it. As they walk into the house and put down the cooler, the music abruptly stops once again. Marissa and Oliver, deep in conversation on the couch, express surprise that Luke and Oliver made it to Palm Springs. When Ryan snits that they tried to follow Oliver and Marissa, Oliver admits that he got wrapped up in telling his saga to Marissa. Luke is preoccupied with refrigerating the beer before it skunks, and Oliver volunteers to show him the kitchen, but not without first commenting on how much beer there is. Luke is surprised that everyone keeps saying that, but considering that two of their seven don't even drink, and they're only there for one night, it is a reasonable question. Ryan joins Marissa on the couch, where she explains that Oliver really just needed someone to listen to him. She calls him "fragile," and suggests that getting out of town will help him. Oliver returns, cracking an unsuccessful joke about whether they've been talking about Ryan in his absence. Oliver apologizes to Ryan for "taking [his] girlfriend away," which is not a comment any man would happily receive, never mind one as rightfully untrusting as Ryan. Ryan responds that he wasn't worried, while Marissa shifts around a lot in an attempt to express "discomfort" or quite possible "itch on ass."
We hear Summer's voice complaining, "I'm trying to give you some culture, Cohen," as the remaining three enter. He responds, "Yeah, well, the audio version of The Da Vinci Code is not culture." Anna and Seth are wearing matching athletic-type jackets, which confirms for me that the writers of this show can't possibly want the audience to like their coupling. Because no one likes a couple who dresses alike. Unless they're heading up a variety show, and even then it's an inexplicably unappealing phenomenon. Summer rebuts that it's a true story, the distinction between fact and fiction evidently being something she has a hard time with. Seth answers his cell phone, groaning that six calls in two hours sets a new record. My in-laws, incidentally, have that handily beat. We don't hear Sandy's end of the conversation, just Seth sarcastically suggesting that he'll call from every hole. Luke reenters from the kitchen, holding three beers. Would that be triple fisting?
When Ryan asks about the missing Trask Seniors, Oliver unconvincingly responds that their plane got delayed in Zurich, so they won't be able to make it after all. He changes the subject to welcome the group, and announces that he set up two tee times, figuring that he, Luke, Marissa, and Ryan would golf together while Seth, Summer, and Anna "could be our threesome." Summer looks amused, while Anna and Seth exchange a concerned glance.