Outside The Big House. Night. Marissa gets out of the car as Ryan holds the door open for her. She suggests that, the time they go see a movie, it shouldn't be a three-hour period piece about boats. Ryan corrects her that they're called ships, and that he liked the movie. Getting all up in Ryan's face, Marissa opines that Russell Crowe just doesn't do anything for her; people say he's good-looking, but she doesn't see it. Ryan ponders this, admitting that he never really thought about it. ["This has to be a shout-out to the fact that every profile of Benjamin McKenzie in the history of time points out the resemblance between him and Crowe." -- Wing Chun] Clinging to Ryan's chest, Marissa points out that there's only one day left in 2003. Ryan knows, and sweetly says that it's been a good year. When she snits that her parents got divorced, her father went bankrupt, and she overdosed, Ryan explains that he meant it's been a good year for him. Which is a surprise, since it's usually all about her. Marissa knows it's been a good year for Ryan, and she can't wait to celebrate with him. They kiss, and she asks what he wants to do. She starts to say she heard about some parties, but he cuts her off to suggest that they take it easy after what happened at Christmas. She's all, "What happened at Christmas? It's all kind of a blur, actually." When Ryan just stares at her she bursts out, "Kidding!" to which Ryan's all, "Funny." He proposes that they hang out at The Big House and rent a couple of Russell Crowe movies: "So I know you'll be safe." Aw. More kissing. We see Marissa's face over his shoulder; looking content and at ease, she says, "I love you." Ryan's body stiffens, and we see her facial expression switch from delight to dismay. She clears her throat and pulls away, all, "I mean, I, I, I didn't mean. I..." Ryan commences with the tongue-lolling before volunteering, "Thank you?" Marissa stares at him, and responds, "Uh. You're welcome?" Without looking Ryan in the eye, Marissa hurriedly cites a midnight curfew, and rushes into her car. Ryan leans in the window to kiss her awkwardly, and then bumps his head on the doorframe. Marissa makes a series of confused faces and screeches away while Ryan stands, immobilized, in the headlights.
Ryan walks into the pool house, throws himself against the wall, and mutters, "Huh. 'I love you. I love you.' How hard is that to say?" A female voice startles him by answering, "Saying it's easy. Meaning it? That's the hard part." The camera pans over to reveal a manly woman brushing her teeth and strutting around in an undershirt and panties. She asks who the hell he is, and Ryan says, "Long story," before responding in kind: who the hell is she? She snits that it "doesn't work that way, dude," because it's her pool house. Ryan clarifies, "Actually, dude, it's my pool house." She fingers her t-shirt in his direction and seductively asks, "So this is yours? You want it back?" Ryan's all, "I got plenty. Thanks." Hee. Ryan deduces that she's Kirsten's sister, Hailey. Which would make her Seth's aunt. She feigns surprise that Ryan's heard of her, and snipes that Kirsten probably doesn't remember her at all. Ryan points out that Kirsten didn't say Hailey was coming, and Hailey reveals that Kirsten doesn't know she's there. She suggests that they get it sorted out over breakfast; in the meantime, "the living-room couch is pretty comfortable." She picks up a pillow and shoves it at Ryan, who catches it, and turns to go. Hailey stops him to mock, "Oh! And. Love you too." Ryan leaves without looking back, but you can just make out his head bobbing around as if he's whinily repeating, "Love you too."
Prolonged tinkling due to expanded credits, now including Rachel Bilson and Melinda Clarke. Yay!
Morning. Ryan sprawls on the couch as Seth shuffles in and asks what happened. Sleepy Ryan reveals that the pool house was occupied by Hailey. Seth's all, "Hailey's here? Awesome!" Seth continues into the kitchen, where Sandy and Kirsten share a bench as they work on a crossword puzzle, causing Seth to comment, "Whoa. Separate seats, you guys. Come on. There's no sex in the champagne room." He appears to have quite a Chrismukkah present -- a package, if you will -- in his pants, by the way. He asks where Hailey is, and Kirsten says she doesn't know -- Thailand? Morocco? Sandy suggests that she's planting trees in Tacoma, while Kirsten corrects that she's actually building churches in Costa Rica. Sandy thought she was in Nicaragua, and that they were hospitals. Seth cuts off this exchange to reveal, "She's in the pool house." Kirsten and Sandy stare, and Kirsten asks what he's talking about? As Seth asks if they didn't notice Ryan sleeping on the couch, a yawning, sleep-rumpled Ryan hobbles into the room and confirms, "Your sister's here." Disbelievingly, Kirsten asks, "Wait. You saw her? You were talking to her?" She asks whether Hailey said why she was there, and Sandy pipes up with two guesses, "Either she's run out of money. Or, she's run out of money!" Seth -- whose robe has fallen open to reveal a t-shirt bearing the taunting question, "Have you hugged my t-shirt today?" says -- "Three-letter word for 'hilarious': 'Dad.' Write that down." Under his breath, Seth admits, "She is probably out of money, though."
Just as Kirsten repeats, "Hailey's here," shaking her head and laughing incredulously, Hailey saunters in wearing the same clothes -- or lack thereof -- as she had on the night. She greets the Cohens casually and asks, "Guess who's back?" Sandy greets her in amusement, averting his eyes, and an abashed Seth grins, all, "Aunt Hailey! Later when you're dressed, we'll hug." Kirsten, meanwhile, is not so entertained and mandates, "Seth. Robe. Her. Now." Hee. Seth removes his robe and hands it over to Hailey, without looking at her. Hailey wishes everyone a Happy New Year, and they respond with varying degrees of earnestness. Kirsten hugs Hailey, snitting that they would have picked her up at the airport or the train station, and Sandy adds, "Or the border." When Hailey explains that it was late and her phone got shut off, Sandy's all, "When you ran out of money?" Kirsten attempts to confirm whether Hailey intends to stick around, but Hailey is noncommittal, so Kirsten announces that she'll make up the guest bedroom. She turns to Sandy and says, "Bedding. Sheets. Now. Hmm?" Sandy throws his arms up in mock dismay and says, "Married seventeen years. The first things that go are the full sentences." He hugs Hailey, welcoming her back enthusiastically, and heads off to get the linens.
Hailey struts over to Seth, proclaiming that he's "looking good." He thanks her and explains, "Puberty happened." Hailey can't believe it's been that long, but he advises that she should be glad she missed it. He enthuses, "Oh, check this out, though," dramatically tugging down the crewneck of his t-shirt. Hailey admires, "Chest hair!" and Seth preens victoriously. Hailey asks about Seth's "new friend" (Ryan, not the solitary chest hair), and Seth explains that "he's, um, he's kind of a long story." Uninterested in said long story, Hailey asks -- now that Seth's a man -- whether he has any New Year's Eve plans. Any girls to kiss? Seth reveals that he had two, but that now he has none, which is fine: "I swore off women. I took myself off the market." He announces that he'll do whatever Ryan and Marissa do, and Hailey asks if he's talking about the "short chick" from door. Seth says, "No! Puberty happened." Gesturing at the ceiling, he finishes, "She's a Laker." Hailey snarks that Marissa and Ryan won't be doing much "because of the three little words Ryan couldn't say." Across the kitchen, Ryan pauses in discomfort as Hailey asks, "Where's [sic] the Frosted Flakes?" Seth points out that that sentence is actually four words long, and Hailey slowly reveals, "'I. Love. You.'" A gape-mouthed Seth confirms that Marissa actually said it, and then asks what Ryan said in return. When Ryan drops the "thank you" bomb, and Seth is even more stunned, concluding that he and Ryan will be staying in tonight with "Carson Daly and a ball dropping." He pauses and considers, "There is [sic] two images that should never be said in the same sentences."
Marissa, carrying an adorable blue quilted purse, huffs into the waiting room at the doctor's office, where Oliver awaits; he announces that it's nice that doctors keep their offices open today, what with all the resolutions that need to be analyzed before they're broken. Marissa unenthusiastically agrees. Oliver prods her about her resolutions, and Marissa claims that she's going to eat more vegetables. He cracks that she and the doctor really went deep, and asks about dairy and grains. Marissa's all, "Actually, we feel good about the grains." Oliver changes the subject to New Year's Eve; as social chair, she must have organized several events. Ferris wheels? Balloon animals? Marissa's "done that," and so he asks what the deal is. When she points out that he asks a lot of questions, he responds that one of them has to. Which isn't exactly the case, since the other option is to sit silently and remain occupied with the development of one's own inner life for the five or ten minutes they'll have to wait, instead of projecting their own neuroses and inadequacies out on strangers in the form of forced conversation. Small talk is a pet peeve of mine, if you couldn't tell. Marissa asks what Oliver's doing, and he reveals that he's having a party at his place. From this particular camera angle, Marissa's skirt is really, really small. Oliver hands over a paper invitation; an impressed Marissa examines it, and then asks, "You live at the Four Seasons?" He tells her to come by and he'll explain everything. When she says, "Maybe we will," he hopefully asks whether "we" is a friend. Marissa reveals that the "we" refers to her and her boyfriend, who wants to stay in because he's not social. Oliver thinks up a girlfriend who feels the same way; her name is Natalie and she'll also be at the party. Marissa remains noncommittal, and Oliver wheedles, "There'll be veggies. No painkillers. But crudite. Some celery. Dip." Suitably intrigued, Marissa responds, "Well, as long as there's dip."
The Beautiful Blue Bedroom. Hailey rummages through Kirsten's closet as Kirsten begs her to "focus for a moment." Hailey snips, "On the fact that someone's gotten matronly in the past two years?" Kirsten wants to focus on the "two years" part, but Hailey's too busy wondering what she's going to wear tonight. She throws items on the bed while contemplating, "A little Ann Taylor? A little Ralph Lauren?" She then pauses -- staring at a particular item -- and exclaims, "Oh my God! Is this from Talbot's?" Hee. Kirsten takes the sweater away from Hailey and embarrassedly explains, "It was a gift." Hee. She points out that Hailey's been living in a hostels, out of a backpack, and wearing hemp-made clothes, so she's not one to judge. Hailey claims that was last year, calling Kirsten "Kiki," and Kirsten responds, "Don't call me 'Kiki'! Only dad calls me 'Kiki,' and only because he won't...not." Hee. Kirsten snippily asks whether Hailey remembers Caleb, and Hailey snips back that she has "a vague recollection." Kirsten ponders what will happen when Caleb learns that Hailey's back, and Hailey insists that she was going to tell him herself. When Kirsten reveals that Hailey's got two weeks before Caleb returns from Paris with Lady Heather, Hailey expresses amusement over the pairing. Kirsten's all, "Well, at least he's dating somebody my age instead of yours." Hailey asks how Jimmy Cooper feels about it, and Kirsten says he's doing well, now that he and Lady Heather are getting divorced. When Hailey comments that things are picking up around the neighbourhood, and that Hailey should come back more often, Kirsten cuts her off to ask what exactly her plans are.
Sandy breezes in, dorkily announcing that he's going surfing. He and Kirsten go back and forth, finishing each other's sentences about missing sunglasses and tonight's dinner reservations while Hailey watches in disgust. After Sandy leaves, she's all, "You guys are like...married!" When Kirsten responds, "Well, that was the idea. When we had our wedding?" Hailey clarifies, "No, I mean like, deeply, deeply married." Kirsten just stares. Hailey returns the subject to Kirsten's plans for the evening, and Kirsten jumps in to say that she and Sandy are going to the same restaurant they go to every year, and will be home in time to watch Dick Clark and the ball drop. She echoes Seth's earlier sentiment: "Two images that should not be used in the same sentence." Hailey suggests that it's too bad the Cohens are busy tonight, because she knows this great party where they'd have "like, actual fun." She says she understands, goading Kirsten: "You're boring now." As Kirsten insists that she's not boring, Sandy enters, having both found and donned his goofy sunglasses, all, "Hey, baby, I, I, I can't find --" Kirsten cuts him off to say, "Keys? Check your --" And he's all, "Pants! Ah! You're good!" Who's good, though, is Peter Gallagher. Really, really good. Hailey emerges from the closet clutching Gucci and announcing, "Now you're talkin'!" Kirsten grabs the dress and says she'll be wearing it. Sandy asks if it isn't fancy for the usual routine, and Kirsten asks how he feels about going to a party after their "annual dinner." Hailey grins.
Pool house. Ryan argues to Marissa that they're not going to a party because they made plans. Marissa clarifies, "To do nothing." She studies the invitation, and when Ryan asks who Oliver is, she explains that he's "a guy from therapy." She adds, "Hey! There'll be crudite! And dip!" Ryan stares at her in confusion as she apologizes because it's "more of an inside joke." He notes that she and Oliver have inside jokes, and viciously throws clothes into a bag. Since one item appears to be a sequined red dress, they are presumably Hailey's and not Ryan's. Although, if this show goes the route of (and I'm well aware how its audience hopes that won't be so), Ryan will inevitably be cross-dressed at some point or other during its run. Marissa insists that the party will be fun because "there'll be people!" Which, Ryan points out, is the opposite of the original plan: to be just two. When he reminds her that she'd previously agreed to do nothing, she begins to explain that she did, but.... He cuts her off to finish, "Right. Before...I...It." She prods him to finish, and he's all, "Because I didn't say -- " and she's all, "What?" and he's all, "When you said -- " and she's all, "What?" and then he's all, "Never mind." Marissa breezily asks if Ryan's going to the party, and he responds that he's staying at the pool house and watching movies, as planned. Marissa sighs and offers that if he changes his mind, Ryan can join her. He asks whether she's actually going to the party, and she says, "Like I said? Yeah." I don't understand this plot point at all, and I think her motivations are impurely designed out of contrivance, as opposed to out of something a person would actually do. Why would she go to a party without her boyfriend on New Year's Eve? I wish they had come up with a more plausible explanation -- like, Summer needed to get out because of the Seth disappointment, and as her best friend, Marissa had to go along. It would have been easy! And better! Marissa kisses Ryan and leaves, tossing back a casual "Happy New Year!" Ryan mutters, "Happy New Year" back at the closing door.
Videogame. Ryan and Seth fiddle with their joysticks as Seth rubs it in: "You know what you did? You know what you did? You blew it, buddy, almost as bad as I did. But you know what? We're both single now. It's a new year. I think we should join Friendster! Meet new people." Ryan qualifies that he and Marissa didn't break up; they're just not spending New Year's together. Seth argues that New Year's is "only the most important chick holiday of the year besides Valentine's Day," adding that he doesn't understand why Ryan doesn't just go to the party. Ryan replies, "Because we had plans and...because I mean, who's Oliver?" Aw. He turns to look plaintively at Seth, who commends Ryan's clear motivation. But as I just said, it's not Ryan lacking the reasonable motivation. Sandy and Kirsten enter, announcing their departure; Kirsten's Gucci doesn't look too dressy at all. When they ask if the boys need anything, Seth's all, "Yes. Ryan needs a tear in the space-time continuum so he can go back and say 'I love you' to Marissa." Hee. Kirsten asks -- with part disbelief and part "isn't that cute"-ness in her voice -- if Marissa really said that, and Ryan just sadly nods his head. Sandy enthusiastically asks what Ryan said back, and Seth gleefully reveals, "Thank you!" Ryan tells Seth, "Thank you," in an entirely different tone. Attempting encouragement, Sandy tells Ryan, "Well, that was polite." Hee. As Sandy and Kirsten turn to leave, Seth yells, "Love you guys." Sandy animatedly responds, "Thank you!"
Sandy and Kirsten giggle into the hallway as Hailey descends the steps, proclaiming that they "look hot." Sandy tells her not to look so surprised. She urges them to move along, finger-wagging that she doesn't want to see them home before 2. Kirsten thanks her, and says that when they get back, they can talk about her plans -- how long she'll be in Orange County, and why. She mothers over whether Hailey will be okay for the night, and Hailey insists that she's just going to catch up with some friends, and that they shouldn't worry about her. About her? No. About their house? An entirely different story. Hailey says that the Cohens deserve to have fun. Sandy couldn't agree more. They leave.
Hailey walks into the den, surprised that the boys are still home and not even dressed yet. Seth insists that he already told her they're not going out, reiterating, "Carson Daly! Balls!" Hailey thought he was being sarcastic -- which, he responds, is "usually a safe assumption." Kirsten asks where Ryan's "lady friend" is, and Ryan doesn't cease playing to say curtly that she's at a party. Hailey incredulously repeats that his girlfriend's at a New Year's Eve party alone, and Seth corrects, "She's not alone. She's with some guy named Oliver," leading Ryan to comment dryly, "You've gotten really glib." Hailey asks whether they broke up, and Ryan reveals that they didn't break up; they're just not spending New Year's Eve together. Hailey warns that the way you spend New Year's Eve is the same way you'll spend the rest of the year; she dramatically adds that at the countdown to midnight, Marissa will be looking around for someone to kiss while Ryan's sitting at home "playing videogames about pirates." Seth quickly corrects, "Ninjas." Hee. As tense, jangly music escalates in the background, Hailey adds, "And it's like: ten, nine, eight -- and she's all alone when she sees this guy Oliver. Seven, six, five -- fireworks start, music swells. Four, three -- people are pairing off. Who's she gonna kiss? Two...One." Ryan looks at Seth in alarm.
Cut to the boys, dressed and ready to go. If by "dressed," you mean the usual denim shirt for Ryan and for Seth, the most fugly, spotted purple shirt (with matching fugly, spotted purple tie!) ever. Hailey proclaims them hot and Seth asks, "Too hot? Because I'm tryin' to keep a low profile these days." Ryan thanks her for getting him out of the house, and she puts her arm around him to say he's part of the family now, and that they look out for their own. She shoves them toward the exit. Seth pauses to ask if she wants to come, but she insists that she's just going to "hang out, take it easy, lay low." The boys open the front door to leave, and about a hundred people dressed in 2004-wear and bearing exploding bottles of champagne pour into the house. Apparently, they've been milling outside just waiting for the door to open so that they could enter and start rearranging the furniture. Because that's immediately what they do. Through the champagne spray, Ryan looks over at Hailey, all, "'Take it easy'?" and Seth adds, "'Lay low'?" Hailey responds, "Just a couple of friends." People continue to enter the house; men waggle champagne bottles around phallically. Who acts like that?
Elevator. While Marissa looks unsure, a weirdly tan Summer enthuses that the night is going to be "like, totally, fun": they're at the Four Seasons! When Marissa starts to whine, Summer cuts her off to say that the way she spends her New Year's Eve is the way she'll spend the rest of the year. This show likes this repetition device, but it's getting to be a little much. Marissa's all, "It is?" Summer links her arm in Marissa's, spins her around toward the party, and announces that Marissa's not going to think of Ryan and she's not thinking of Seth Cohen -- after all, how pathetic it is that he's sitting home on New Year's Eve "probably playing, like, a stupid videogame about like pirates or, like, ninjas or somethin'." Hee. They reach the entrance and survey the scene, which consists of more 2004 attire and pink wigs. And there's Anna! She rushes over to them all, "Hey! People I know!" And she's wearing the cutest outfit! And the cutest little dangly pearl earrings with bows! Summer, meanwhile, is all attitude and, "Where?" Marissa asks what Anna's doing there, and Anna explains that her parents are friends with the parents of the guy who's throwing the party. Marissa expresses amazement that Anna knows Oliver, and Anna's all, "Who?" At that moment, Oliver swoops in to greet them. He takes Marissa's elbow to show her around, leaving Marissa and Summer to stare at each other. Anna asks where Seth is, and Summer says she doesn't know: why doesn't Anna tell her? Anna doesn't know either, nor does she care! Neither does Summer! Summer adds, "Seth Cohen is, like, so 2003." She observes that, in seventy-four minutes, they'll never have to think about him again. Anna corrects her, "Seventy-three." They grin.
The Big House. Men dash toward the pool in various states of undress, yelling, "Skinny-dipping!" One extra has some trouble getting his pants off at the last minute and nearly trips. Hee. Seth and Ryan witness the scene in dismay as Seth concludes, "Okay, that's a lot of genitalia in my pool." They turn their backs on it, and Ryan says that they should go. When Seth insists that they can't, Ryan asks, "What about the whole Marissa kissing Oliver countdown?" Seth says that was before he took or a "faceful of dong." Seth implores Ryan that they can't leave Hailey because The Big House will get trashed and Hailey's insane! Ryan points out that Seth said she was awesome, and Seth clarifies that she's "insanely awesome." Ryan orders Seth to tell Hailey the party's over; Seth scratches his head, considering this option, and then whines that he doesn't want to be "the dad," and that telling his aunt that she can't have a party is embarrassing. He says that Ryan should do it, instead. Ryan points out that it's Seth's house, and Seth's all, "Right. And it's your girlfriend with some dude named Oliver." Ryan stares as Seth explains that he's just trying to help Ryan track his motivation. Ryan argues that Hailey is Seth's family, which Seth says is exactly the point: Cohens are notorious for conflict avoidance, while Atwoods thrive on conflict. Ryan concludes that he's not going to win the argument, and Seth agrees. As Ryan heads off to find Hailey, Seth tells someone in the pool, "Hey! No ball-dropping until midnight." When someone throws a beach ball at him, he's all, "Thanks. That's what I was talking about." A woman takes off her shirt; Seth clutches his ball and stares.
Silent shiny car. GPS pierces the silence, instructing a left turn in one quarter of a mile. Sandy asks Kirsten what's going on. She says it's nothing, and he continues to drive. She then asks, "Are we in a rut?" He laughs and asks, "That's nothin', huh? We're not in a rut; we're in a marriage!" When she adds that they finish each other's sentences and always know what the other is thinking, Sandy enthusiastically groans, "Ah! That's my favorite part." Kirsten worries, "I own a sweater set from Talbot's!" and he quickly rebuts, "That was a gift." Hee. Sandy doesn't think anyone would think they're boring, but Kirsten questions whether they need to take more chances. The GPS pipes in to tell them to turn left in 400 feet. Sandy ponders and says, "Yes! We do need to take more chances!" Kirsten stares at him as tinkly music begins. Suddenly, Sandy proclaims, "GPS Lady says to turn left. I'm goin' right." Kirsten tries to dissuade him as he continues, "Nah, no, no, no. You can't stop me. No one can. Hang on. Here we go." We see the car slowly turn right. The GPS Lady calmly instructs, "When possible, please make a U-Turn." Sandy contemplates the dashboard and yells, "No, no! I won't! I will not!" Kirsten continues to "Sandy" him, but he's too far gone: "Oh, baby. We're living on the edge, honey! We're livin' on the edge! Woohoo!" Kirsten whines that they're not living on the edge -- they're getting lost! She insists again that the devilishly amused Sandy just listen to the GPS Lady, who repeats her command. Sandy expresses relief at Kirsten's instruction, because he hates to defy the GPS Lady: "She...she gets so cross." Hee. Kirsten bemoans whether they're fun, finally cracking a smile. Sandy does think they're fun; he also thinks it's nuts that Hailey's so far inside Kirsten's head. He adds that no one's as fun as Hailey, because that's her life's calling; she's "ten pounds of fun in a five pound bag." When Kirsten asks what that means, Sandy replies, "It means she's fun." Hee. He further rants that Hailey's "a Nichol; she's a putzer, a ball-buster, a button-pusher." He says Hailey's pushing Kirsten's buttons, and Kirsten agrees that she is. Sandy points out that they're going to a party where they won't know anyone, and where anything could happen. Kirsten concedes that it's true, and Sandy declares that that's fun. Kirsten suggests that they skip dinner and go straight to the party. Meanwhile, the GPS Lady gets in one last "When possible, pleaser make a U-Turn." Sandy stares at Kirsten and teases, "Oooh, you are dangerous!"
The Four Seasons. Marla Sokoloff wears a hot pink wig and flirts with a fellow partygoer. Marissa perches on the kitchen counter and devours a slice of lime. Food! She congratulates Oliver on the cool locale of his party, and he says his parents own a bunch of them. She asks, "Hotel rooms?" and he's all, "Hotels." Gesturing toward his bartending, Marissa announces that she's never had one of what he's making before. We learn that they're talking about mojitos, which Oliver says are excellent. He then reveals that these are virgin mojitos, which won't "take the edge off and numb the pain," but are fun to identify. He zestfully announces, "Mojitos!" She repeats it back, "Mojitos!" My ears bleed. And who drinks virgin mojitos anyway? Marissa tries to get down from the counter without exposing any secondary sex organs, because her dress? Well. It's missing some critical pieces. When Marissa insists that just because she's not drinking doesn't mean Oliver can't, he responds that his sponsor would be disappointed, and then proudly reveals that he's been clean and sober for eleven months. She expresses amazement, and he points out that he did meet her in therapy. They banter about their absent significant others; Oliver explains that long-distance relationships are always "so fraught with peril." And "fraught with peril" is quite the mouthful for this actor. Marissa concludes, "An older woman?" and Oliver explains that he and Natalie are the same age, but since she wasn't kicked out of three schools in three years, it was easier for her to graduate on time. Marissa fake-smiles as Oliver adds that he's now doing his senior year again while Natalie's doing her "freshman thing," with the fun and the partying and the dropkicking of dorky boyfriends. Well, without that last part. Instead, he reveals that Natalie doesn't want to be in a serious relationship anymore. Marissa asks if he loves her, and Oliver enthusiastically nods his assent. Marissa looks perplexed, and then asks if he's told her. He's all, "Of course. All the time!" Oliver toasts to Ryan; Marissa toasts to Natalie. Oliver insists that they can have fun without them, and Marissa says she hopes so. It's not the "inspiring answer" Oliver was looking for, but he'll take it. They drink their sugar water. And if I went to a swank party at the Four Seasons, I wouldn't expect the primary source of sustenance to be a vat-like bowl of pretzels.
Ryan stalks through Hailey's party past a guy clutching some sort of furry, brown doll. What is that? And please don't send me emails -- I don't really want to know. Ryan enters the house and heads upstairs, where we hear Hailey's angry voice saying she understands that someone is upset. Ryan knocks, and Hailey responds, "One minute." He bangs again, insisting that he needs to talk, and she's all, "I said one minute!" Inside, Hailey begs another girl to hear her out. The other girl doesn't even know what Hailey's doing back in Orange County -- Hailey still owes her three grand! Hailey promises that she'll return the money, but Other Girl points out that Hailey said the same thing two years ago before she skipped town. Hailey asks if Other Girl's trust fund ran out, and Other Girl says she was about to ask Hailey the same thing. She concludes that Hailey's just home to "make a withdrawal" from her father, and then will split again. Hailey doesn't need this from Other Girl! She's supposed to be Hailey's friend! Other Girl spits that Hailey doesn't have any friends! She burned all those bridges! Hailey points out that it doesn't look like it from tonight's showing, and Other Girl rebuts that they're only there because no one "throws a rager" like Hailey Nichol, and she's the one to go to if people need "some good blow" or "some clean speed." Outside the door, Ryan looks dismayed. Hailey tells Other Girl that the conversation is over, ordering her to go. Other Girl's not going without her three grand, though. She warns that Hailey had better hope Cameo doesn't show up tonight after what Hailey did to Alex. D'oh! Hailey stalks out the door, where Ryan awaits, suggesting that it's time to end the party. Hailey doesn't agree, but Ryan says he thinks the cops might. Hailey asks if he's a narc now, suggesting that they find a quiet place to talk it over. Ryan follows her.
Sandy and Kirsten enter a party where techno music throbs. Kirsten looks around skeptically, while Sandy concludes, "This place isn't so rockin'. I mean, we're way more fun than these people." Kirsten can't believe this is Hailey's big party, and Sandy's all, "Ah, she's up to something. A deviled egg. I'm starving." Hee. Noopsie #1 scurries over in head-to-toe silver, forcing me to observe that whoever casts this show has something against women with hips. Noopsie can't believe Kirsten's there! She had no idea Kirsten "was...so much fun!" We learn that Noopsie's name is Taryn, and Kirsten points out that Taryn knows Sandy. Taryn's all, "Well, if I don't now, I might at midnight." Sandy looks down in confusion and laughs out a flustered "Hello!" Taryn instructs him to put his watch in the bowl, and then leans in to tell Kristen, "Whoever ends up with him is one lucky lady." As Taryn rushes off, Sandy moans, and Kirsten concludes, "I think we're at a swingers party." She announces that she'll kill Hailey, but comments that they can at least still make their dinner reservations. Because they can't stay there...can they? When Sandy scoffs, "We're not in this big a rut!" a hurt Kirsten replies, "You think we're in a rut! You just said it!" He dodges the question, all, "Where's that deviled egg?" Kirsten laments that they don't have enough nerve to stick it out at the party, and Sandy answers, "No, we don't. So let's go." It's not a matter of nerve, though, which is an obvious point both of them seem to be missing. Kirsten asks, "Could we?" and Sandy points out that they could indeed. There's a brief pause before Kirsten challenges, "I dare you." Sandy's all, "Don't dare me unless you mean it." She repeats the dare, and he insists that he will. She raises it to a double dare, and he's all, "Okay," and she's all, "Go ahead," and he's all, "You got three seconds to stop me." He walks over to the bowl, removes his watch, and dangles it on one finger over the bowl while counting, "Uno, dos, tres." His expression shows uncertainty, but Kirsten conceals her concern better. Only when Sandy's back is turned as he drops the watch does she look angsty.
The Big House. Some clown swims laps in the pool. Who goes to a "rager" and swims laps there? Not to mention, the pool remains filled almost entirely with naked men. Seth looks around in dismay and Seth concludes, "We'll be chlorinating for weeks." Hailey leads Seth and Ryan through the party, suggesting that they go somewhere private to talk, without getting the cops involved. As they reach the pool house, Hailey says she knows Kirsten is going to kill her, and that she's really sorry, but it's New Year's Eve and she's having a party. Just as the boys step into the pool house, she closes the door and twists the lock. They scream for help and stare at each other.
Pool house. A woman with insanely good posture sits by the pool wearing a red bikini bottom. Ryan concludes that the situation is just great, as Seth stares at the door and begins pawing at it manically. This isn't good! He can't breathe! He's claustrophobic! Ryan points out that the place is huge and has a kitchen and a bathroom. (No phone, though, apparently.) When Seth pleads with Ryan not to use up all the oxygen, Ryan's all, "You want a sandwich? A shower? We got all that here." Seth giggles crazily, "We're gonna die and I'm the glib one?" Ryan insists that he sleeps in the pool house every night, and that three of the walls are windows! ["None big enough for them to crawl out of?" -- Wing Chun] Seth yells, "Yes, which currently look out on naked dudes, man. We're trapped like rats!" Ryan yells back, "Rats in an enormous pool house!" That cracked me up. Ryan mocks that Seth's aunt is pretty cool, and Seth agrees that she's also pretty unpredictable sometimes. Seth climbs onto a chair, hunches up, and clutches at his shirt while making gasping sounds and moaning that it's "wrinkling [him]." Ryan watches with disdain, before whining that while his girlfriend is kissing someone else, he's stuck with a lunatic.
Sandy charms a brunette with his impressive eyebrows. In the background, a blurred Kirsten comes into focus; she looks upset. Taryn sits down beside her and tells her she understands. The first one of these can be a little challenging; the key is to drink a lot. Kirsten explains that she's easing into it, and Taryn says it's worth it -- this party saved her marriage in 1998! Kirsten insists that her marriage doesn't need saving, because she and Sandy are not in trouble. Taryn commiserates, "Oh sure, not trouble. Nah. Just...a rut." She knows, because she was there, too. Kirsten insists that she and Sandy aren't in a rut, but Taryn is too busy going on about how so many people just sleepwalk through their lives and don't even know they're asleep until someone wakes them up. So it's like The Matrix but without the leather? Kirsten insists, "I'm up!" but Taryn urges her to take a chance. She asks what's the worst that could happen? One evening of crazy sex with a total stranger? When she claims that, in college, that was just a Thursday night, Kirsten sadly laments, "For you, maybe." They watch Sandy and the brunette drink wine at each other; Taryn points out that Sandy seems to be having a lot of fun for someone who's not in a rut. She leaves Kirsten to mull things over as Sandy and the women clink glasses on Sandy's dorky "Here's to you!"
The Four Seasons. Anna and Summer sit side by side on the couch. Summer asks if Anna feels like drinking. Anna doesn't, and neither does Summer. Across the room, a guy smiles in their direction. They both smile back in tandem. It's cute. They realize it, and laugh over the coincidence. Anna insists that he was probably smiling at Summer, but Summer counters that his and Anna's "eyelines totally matched." The guy smiles at them again. Anna concludes that he's clearly showing interest in Summer, and Summer asks, "You think?" More smiling. More tandem smiling in response. Anna insists that it's all about Summer, but Summer deems it "too close to call." She insists that they're not ringing in '04 the same way they spent '03. She's on the case, and drags along a resistant Anna.
Summer pops up in front of the guy, followed by an awkward Anna. Summer asks whom he was smiling at. When the guy responds that they're both cute, she's all, "Not happening, Okay? One or the other. You have to choose between us. Someone has to choose between us!" Aw. Anna stops Summer to say she can they guy him, but Summer won't be stopped. She turns her back on the guy to passionately insist to Anna that Seth Cohen just wants to be their friend. As she continues that she doesn't know anything about this guy, he interrupts to say, "Uh, I'm Alan. From Tulsa. Oklahoma?" Summer dismisses him with a vague wave and a "Yeah. Don't care." She adds that all she knows is that "this guy" doesn't just be her friend. Anna insists that he's not her type, and tells Summer to go for it. Summer's all, "Oh. What's your type? Seth Cohen?" Anna looks bewildered, and Summer looks dismayed.
Walking away, Anna passes by Marissa and Oliver, the latter of whom is showing off the promised crudite. Marissa jokes about actually having to eat the veggies, and he says she doesn't have to. Until midnight, that is. He announces that when Marissa asked him if he told Natalie he loved her, "it struck [him] as an interesting question...revealing." She says he should be a therapist, and he guesses what happened -- that she said it to Ryan and he didn't say it back. She reveals the dreaded "thank you" response, and Oliver echoes Sandy's "At least he's polite." (See what I mean about that?) Oliver heads off to get another mojito, and Marisa trails behind. As they walk through the party, she rationalizes that Ryan might not have responded in kind because he wasn't ready. Oliver says, "Yeah, or because, you know...." His voice trails off, and Marissa finishes, "Because he doesn't love me." Oliver pretends to backtrack out of it, asking what he knows; he doesn't even know Ryan.
Swingers Party. It's Kirsten's turn to be in deep conversation, and Sandy's turn to be blurry. As her partner in conversation goes on about how he traveled to Alaska to see the blue heron, Kirsten's all, "I had no idea that that involved that much travel. An ornithologist! That's fascinating!" A now-focused Sandy interrupts the conversation, curtly announcing that he's ready to go. He introduces himself to Kirsten's friend with a tipped finger to the head, all, "Sandy Cohen! Pleasure swingin' with you!" Hee. Kirsten asks why they're leaving already, because she's just starting to have fun! She baits Sandy: "Did you know that Bob studies birds?" Sandy's all, "Birds! Bob, that's great!" Sandy returns his attention to Kirsten, insisting that if they hurry, they can still get a table, but Kirsten wants to stay! Bob gets the hint and leaves. When Kirsten says goodbye, Bob responds with a smarmy "Maybe I'll see you later." Sandy sadly asks what Kirsten's doing, and Kirsten says she's having fun. Sandy asks, "What? Discussing the pigeon with Bob?" When Sandy can't believe Hailey has gotten so far under Kirsten's skin, she insists that it's not about Hailey. Sandy looks shocked as Kirsten adds that they might need to do this, because they're in a rut and they didn't even know it! Sandy's all, "So you wanna swing?" And Kirsten's all, "I'm swinging." Hee. The brunette walks by, and Sandy flags her down, insisting that she finish telling him her story about the Galapagos Islands.
Pool house. Ryan is sprawled on the bed, while Seth is sprawled on the floor, breathing into a brown paper bag. Ryan complains that it's forty-five minutes until midnight; he announces that if they ever get out of there, Hailey's dead. Seth realizes that he never asked why Ryan didn't just say "I love you" back to Marissa, and Ryan says he doesn't know. He adds, "'Cause I never have." Seth asks, "But you do, right?" and Ryan says he isn't sure. He asks how you know, and Seth says, "I just think you know." Ryan considers it momentarily and concludes, "Yeah. I do." It's his turn for the difficult question; he asks why Seth didn't just choose a girl, because he had to like one more than the other, right? In response, Seth breathes into his bag, before concluding that now he doesn't deserve either because he blew it. Ryan did, too. They throw themselves back down into sprawl positions as Seth adds, "I'm optimistic about this Friendster thing, though." Ryan continues the countdown: forty-three minutes.
The Big House. People revel. Hailey walks through the crowd, accepting congratulations on the fete. At the door, a tough chick walks in straight out of 1993, all, "Where is that bitch? I can't believe she'd even show her face in here!" Other Girl -- who is standing by the door -- just shrugs and says she doesn't know. 1993, it turns out, is Cameo, and she's brought her crew. An alarmed Hailey spots them and hightails it to the pool house. She quickly lets herself in and asks for Seth and Ryan's help. Seth glees, "Fresh oxygen," but ends up with his cheek smooshed up again the glass as Hailey shuts the door just before Seth can crawl outside. Ryan can't believe that Hailey would ask for their help after locking them into the pool house. Hailey replies, "Pretty much," and Ryan is not amused; he announces that he's leaving. Hailey explains that there's a girl at the party who wants to kill her, and Ryan snides, "Just one?" He further comebacks that there's a girl who's going to want to kill him if he doesn't get to her in thirty-nine minutes. Hailey begs Ryan to shut the party down, but Ryan insists that he's not helping her! Hailey reveals that the others will tear the place apart, and insists that he's got to help, for Sandy and Kirsten! Ryan finally concedes, and resignedly tells Seth, "Let's go. We gotta clear this party out." The camera pans down to show Hailey's sandals, Ryan's shoes, and Seth slumped on the floor with his baggie. He whimpers, "That's what I do best."
Cut to Ryan and Seth ushering out partygoers with flashlights in hand. When Hailey asks how they did it, they explain that they turned the power off and told people the police were coming. Ryan is fidgety, and Seth urges him to go, insisting that he'll clean up. With thirty-one minutes to go, Ryan is off. He dashes for the door, leaving Seth behind to stare at Hailey, Hailey to stare at Seth, and both to stare at the trashed house.
Close-up on the face of a watch. Swingers Party. Taryn beckons all the partygoers because it's 11:30, and they need to make their selections so that they have someone new to ring -- or swing, if you will -- in the new year with. Watch-picking ensues. The first woman gets Bob's watch, and Sandy delivers an artful "Way to go, Bob!" We get various shots of hands fumbling around in the bowl. People pair off. More shots of the watch bowl. Watches dwindle. People dwindle. We get a close-up of Sandy's eyes. We get a close-up of Kirsten's heavily shadowed eyes. Taryn picks the watch of a less than attractive man who looks quite pleased with himself. Before rallying to be with him, Taryn whisperingly wishes Kirsten better luck. More pairing. More watch bowl shots. Suddenly, it's down to the Cohens and one other couple. The other woman reaches in, selecting the only remaining watch in the bowl. Her partner jumps to his feet in excitement. Hee. Meanwhile, Kirsten and Sandy stare at each other and grin. Sandy says he doesn't get it -- everyone else got picked. What happened to his watch? When Kirsten tells him it had better be in his pants, he reveals it with a grin. Kirsten holds Sandy's face in her hands and kisses him gently. He says, "Come on, swinger. Let's go home."
Ryan's stuck in traffic. On the radio, a DJ announces that the traffic is bad out there, and that New Year's Eve is always ugly on the road, but at least it's almost over. And why are people in their cars at midnight on New Year's Eve, anyway? I can see right after New Year's, but why before?
At the Four Seasons, Anna sits on the couch looking sad. On the patio, Summer looks sad, too. She and Anna exchange waves, and then Summer perks up to continue her conversation with the smiling guy. Anna finds Marissa and announces sadly that she's going to leave. When Marissa asks why she'd go so this close to midnight, Anna tearfully reveals that the party is depressing for her. The girls hug, and a distraught Anna leaves. Aw. Oliver corners Marissa again, and she admits that it sounds stupid, but that she keeps watching the door, hoping Ryan will show up. Oliver counters that he also keeps hoping to see Natalie, but "sadly" he thinks it's just the two of them tonight. But at least they have each other, right?
The Big House. A car pulls into the driveway. We haven't had a driveway shots in a while! Sandy and Kirsten enter and stop in their tracks. We see the overturned couch as Sandy concludes, "I think we're in the wrong house." Kirsten's all, "I don't." Seth appears, and Sandy angrily asks what the hell happened. Seth responds, "Okay, I don't even know enough people to cause this much damage." Hailey casually ambles into the room, asking how the party was. When Kirsten asks what she did, Hailey insists that it's nothing that can't be undone with a little Palmolive and elbow grease. Seth looks concerned and responds, "Oooh, nobody said anything about elbow grease." Kirsten's all, "Seth. Garbage. Out. Now." Wearing his adorably confused grin, Seth walks by Sandy, who yells, "I look forward to waking up to a clean house tomorrow!" As Sandy storms out, Hailey tosses a casual "goodnight" his way, and then tells Kirsten she's going to get back to the dishes. Kirsten scream that Hailey can't walk away from her, and Hailey replies that Kirsten's not her mom and can't talk to her that way. Kirsten screeches that it's her house and her upside-down sofa, and she'll talk to Hailey any way she wants! Hailey walks away anyway.
Upstairs, Sandy hears giggling. He opens the door to The Beautiful Blue Bedroom, and three heads pop up out of the covers. Flustered, Sandy tells them, "Oh? Oh! I should really learn to knock...in case there's a threesome going on in my bedroom." It was "hee"-worthy then, and it remains so.
Back in the kitchen, Hailey loads the requisite blue and red beer cups into a trash bag as Kirsten yells that she can't keep living her life like this -- like she has no responsibilities and is still a child! It used to be cute, but now it's just embarrassing! Hailey unconvincingly apologizes for the party's getting out of hand, as Kirsten adds that people Hailey's age have college degrees and jobs and spouses! Hailey insists that she'll leave in the morning, and Kirsten yells that she's not asking Hailey to leave! She just wants Hailey to grow up! Kirsten calms down to walk slowly toward Hailey, proposing that since it's a new year, Hailey can make a new start. Hailey pissily asks why -- so that she can grow up to be just like Kirsten? Working for Caleb? Selling "McMansions"? Planning charity events with the Noopsies? Kirsten protests that she loves her life, her family, and her rut. She asks whether, having devoted her whole life to the pursuit of fun, Hailey is even having any. Hailey looks sullen as Kirsten offers to help her clean up, but Hailey doesn't want her help! She's going to bed!
Outside, Seth hauls two giant containers of trash toward the curb as Anna shyly comes up the driveway. When Seth greets her in surprise (but also with mild delight), she head-bobs that she didn't want him to be alone on New Year's. She then clarifies that, actually, she didn't want to be alone on New Year's. He points out that he's not alone, because he's got both Captain Oats and Carson Daly. Anna is now wearing a black velvet blazer and a sparkly pink pin over her darling outfit, making it even more darling. Yay, wardrobe people! Turning to go, Anna agrees that Carson and Captain Oats are an "unbeatable combination," which is either lazy writing or a strange and intentional coincidence. Seth urges her to wait, explaining that Captain Oats had too much champagne, and Carson Daly's "kind of a ginormous tool," so Seth could use the company. Anna slowly advances toward him like she's going in for a kiss, and at the last minute veers off to grab a trash can.
Dramatic music plays as Ryan runs through the lobby of the hotel. He fanatically pushes at the elevator button, but it's taking too long. He heads for the stairwell.
Marissa looks sad.
Ryan dodges.
Marissa looks around nervously. Oliver smarms, "Twenty seconds." She looks at the door.
Ryan pauses, out of breath. He looks at his watch and keeps running up the stairs.
Summer glances toward the door. Marissa glances toward the door. They make eye contact, and Summer makes a sad, empathetic face. Aw. The countdown continues.
In slow motion, Ryan yanks open the door of the stairwell and emerges into the party's entryway.
Oliver advances toward Marissa. Their glasses move toward a toast.
Ryan elbows his way through the crowd. His hopeful expression changes as he sees something ahead.
But yay! Marissa's still in mid-clink with Oliver. She sees Ryan and heads toward him.
We shift back out of slow motion as Marissa and Ryan advance toward each other. They kiss. It's sweet. The cameras swirls around them. Sparkly confetti descends.
The Beautiful Blue Bedroom. Sandy changes the sheets, and Kirsten emerges from the bathroom in an ugly nighty. Sandy dangles his watch at her goofily. She takes it from him. They kiss.
Upstairs, Seth and Anna lie on his bed and kiss slowly. He rolls atop her. In the background, the ball drops on TV. They pause to watch together.
The Four Seasons. Summer kisses the smiling Oklahoma guy, and then abruptly pulls away, mumbling, "You're not Seth Cohen." When he asks who Seth Cohen is, she looks disoriented and responds that she wasn't talking to him. She sadly says she has to go, and half-heartedly wishes him a happy new year. On her way out, she stomps past Oliver, who nods in her direction. He turns to look at Ryan and Marissa, who are just finishing their kiss. Ryan says, "I love you." Marissa is surprised, and makes him repeat it. He does, and she says (of course), "Thank you."
The O.C. returns in three weeks, and when it does, Hailey asks why, if Oliver has a girlfriend, he's always hanging around with Marissa? Also, Anna may or may not have something to tell Summer; Sandy takes on Hailey; Oliver gets thrown up against a fence by a cop; and, in a very move, there's a band appearance. Rooney!