Outside The Big House. Night. Marissa gets out of the car as Ryan holds the door open for her. She suggests that, the time they go see a movie, it shouldn't be a three-hour period piece about boats. Ryan corrects her that they're called ships, and that he liked the movie. Getting all up in Ryan's face, Marissa opines that Russell Crowe just doesn't do anything for her; people say he's good-looking, but she doesn't see it. Ryan ponders this, admitting that he never really thought about it. ["This has to be a shout-out to the fact that every profile of Benjamin McKenzie in the history of time points out the resemblance between him and Crowe." -- Wing Chun] Clinging to Ryan's chest, Marissa points out that there's only one day left in 2003. Ryan knows, and sweetly says that it's been a good year. When she snits that her parents got divorced, her father went bankrupt, and she overdosed, Ryan explains that he meant it's been a good year for him. Which is a surprise, since it's usually all about her. Marissa knows it's been a good year for Ryan, and she can't wait to celebrate with him. They kiss, and she asks what he wants to do. She starts to say she heard about some parties, but he cuts her off to suggest that they take it easy after what happened at Christmas. She's all, "What happened at Christmas? It's all kind of a blur, actually." When Ryan just stares at her she bursts out, "Kidding!" to which Ryan's all, "Funny." He proposes that they hang out at The Big House and rent a couple of Russell Crowe movies: "So I know you'll be safe." Aw. More kissing. We see Marissa's face over his shoulder; looking content and at ease, she says, "I love you." Ryan's body stiffens, and we see her facial expression switch from delight to dismay. She clears her throat and pulls away, all, "I mean, I, I, I didn't mean. I..." Ryan commences with the tongue-lolling before volunteering, "Thank you?" Marissa stares at him, and responds, "Uh. You're welcome?" Without looking Ryan in the eye, Marissa hurriedly cites a midnight curfew, and rushes into her car. Ryan leans in the window to kiss her awkwardly, and then bumps his head on the doorframe. Marissa makes a series of confused faces and screeches away while Ryan stands, immobilized, in the headlights.
Ryan walks into the pool house, throws himself against the wall, and mutters, "Huh. 'I love you. I love you.' How hard is that to say?" A female voice startles him by answering, "Saying it's easy. Meaning it? That's the hard part." The camera pans over to reveal a manly woman brushing her teeth and strutting around in an undershirt and panties. She asks who the hell he is, and Ryan says, "Long story," before responding in kind: who the hell is she? She snits that it "doesn't work that way, dude," because it's her pool house. Ryan clarifies, "Actually, dude, it's my pool house." She fingers her t-shirt in his direction and seductively asks, "So this is yours? You want it back?" Ryan's all, "I got plenty. Thanks." Hee. Ryan deduces that she's Kirsten's sister, Hailey. Which would make her Seth's aunt. She feigns surprise that Ryan's heard of her, and snipes that Kirsten probably doesn't remember her at all. Ryan points out that Kirsten didn't say Hailey was coming, and Hailey reveals that Kirsten doesn't know she's there. She suggests that they get it sorted out over breakfast; in the meantime, "the living-room couch is pretty comfortable." She picks up a pillow and shoves it at Ryan, who catches it, and turns to go. Hailey stops him to mock, "Oh! And. Love you too." Ryan leaves without looking back, but you can just make out his head bobbing around as if he's whinily repeating, "Love you too."
“ Seth appears to have quite a Chrismukkah present -- a package, if you will -- in his pants, by the way. ”
Prolonged tinkling due to expanded credits, now including Rachel Bilson and Melinda Clarke. Yay!
Morning. Ryan sprawls on the couch as Seth shuffles in and asks what happened. Sleepy Ryan reveals that the pool house was occupied by Hailey. Seth's all, "Hailey's here? Awesome!" Seth continues into the kitchen, where Sandy and Kirsten share a bench as they work on a crossword puzzle, causing Seth to comment, "Whoa. Separate seats, you guys. Come on. There's no sex in the champagne room." He appears to have quite a Chrismukkah present -- a package, if you will -- in his pants, by the way. He asks where Hailey is, and Kirsten says she doesn't know -- Thailand? Morocco? Sandy suggests that she's planting trees in Tacoma, while Kirsten corrects that she's actually building churches in Costa Rica. Sandy thought she was in Nicaragua, and that they were hospitals. Seth cuts off this exchange to reveal, "She's in the pool house." Kirsten and Sandy stare, and Kirsten asks what he's talking about? As Seth asks if they didn't notice Ryan sleeping on the couch, a yawning, sleep-rumpled Ryan hobbles into the room and confirms, "Your sister's here." Disbelievingly, Kirsten asks, "Wait. You saw her? You were talking to her?" She asks whether Hailey said why she was there, and Sandy pipes up with two guesses, "Either she's run out of money. Or, she's run out of money!" Seth -- whose robe has fallen open to reveal a t-shirt bearing the taunting question, "Have you hugged my t-shirt today?" says -- "Three-letter word for 'hilarious': 'Dad.' Write that down." Under his breath, Seth admits, "She is probably out of money, though."
Just as Kirsten repeats, "Hailey's here," shaking her head and laughing incredulously, Hailey saunters in wearing the same clothes -- or lack thereof -- as she had on the night. She greets the Cohens casually and asks, "Guess who's back?" Sandy greets her in amusement, averting his eyes, and an abashed Seth grins, all, "Aunt Hailey! Later when you're dressed, we'll hug." Kirsten, meanwhile, is not so entertained and mandates, "Seth. Robe. Her. Now." Hee. Seth removes his robe and hands it over to Hailey, without looking at her. Hailey wishes everyone a Happy New Year, and they respond with varying degrees of earnestness. Kirsten hugs Hailey, snitting that they would have picked her up at the airport or the train station, and Sandy adds, "Or the border." When Hailey explains that it was late and her phone got shut off, Sandy's all, "When you ran out of money?" Kirsten attempts to confirm whether Hailey intends to stick around, but Hailey is noncommittal, so Kirsten announces that she'll make up the guest bedroom. She turns to Sandy and says, "Bedding. Sheets. Now. Hmm?" Sandy throws his arms up in mock dismay and says, "Married seventeen years. The first things that go are the full sentences." He hugs Hailey, welcoming her back enthusiastically, and heads off to get the linens.
“ Some clown swims laps in the pool. Who goes to a 'rager' and swims laps there? ”
Sandy and Kirsten enter a party where techno music throbs. Kirsten looks around skeptically, while Sandy concludes, "This place isn't so rockin'. I mean, we're way more fun than these people." Kirsten can't believe this is Hailey's big party, and Sandy's all, "Ah, she's up to something. A deviled egg. I'm starving." Hee. Noopsie #1 scurries over in head-to-toe silver, forcing me to observe that whoever casts this show has something against women with hips. Noopsie can't believe Kirsten's there! She had no idea Kirsten "was...so much fun!" We learn that Noopsie's name is Taryn, and Kirsten points out that Taryn knows Sandy. Taryn's all, "Well, if I don't now, I might at midnight." Sandy looks down in confusion and laughs out a flustered "Hello!" Taryn instructs him to put his watch in the bowl, and then leans in to tell Kristen, "Whoever ends up with him is one lucky lady." As Taryn rushes off, Sandy moans, and Kirsten concludes, "I think we're at a swingers party." She announces that she'll kill Hailey, but comments that they can at least still make their dinner reservations. Because they can't stay there...can they? When Sandy scoffs, "We're not in this big a rut!" a hurt Kirsten replies, "You think we're in a rut! You just said it!" He dodges the question, all, "Where's that deviled egg?" Kirsten laments that they don't have enough nerve to stick it out at the party, and Sandy answers, "No, we don't. So let's go." It's not a matter of nerve, though, which is an obvious point both of them seem to be missing. Kirsten asks, "Could we?" and Sandy points out that they could indeed. There's a brief pause before Kirsten challenges, "I dare you." Sandy's all, "Don't dare me unless you mean it." She repeats the dare, and he insists that he will. She raises it to a double dare, and he's all, "Okay," and she's all, "Go ahead," and he's all, "You got three seconds to stop me." He walks over to the bowl, removes his watch, and dangles it on one finger over the bowl while counting, "Uno, dos, tres." His expression shows uncertainty, but Kirsten conceals her concern better. Only when Sandy's back is turned as he drops the watch does she look angsty.
The Big House. Some clown swims laps in the pool. Who goes to a "rager" and swims laps there? Not to mention, the pool remains filled almost entirely with naked men. Seth looks around in dismay and Seth concludes, "We'll be chlorinating for weeks." Hailey leads Seth and Ryan through the party, suggesting that they go somewhere private to talk, without getting the cops involved. As they reach the pool house, Hailey says she knows Kirsten is going to kill her, and that she's really sorry, but it's New Year's Eve and she's having a party. Just as the boys step into the pool house, she closes the door and twists the lock. They scream for help and stare at each other.