The Third Wheel

Much as we do at the start of every episode, we pan over coastal scenery to The Big House. A strange, yawn-like noise punctuates the boppy soundtrack tune. The yawn may or may not be coming out of Hailey, who is headphoned and rocking out at the kitchen table. She's reading the paper, eating a bagel, and drinking orange juice. All of this will become relevant later. There is also the usual lemon/lime centerpiece, which will have no relevance. Ever. Sandy enters the kitchen, and proceeds to make a big, stinking fuss over locating a bagel. He looks in the breadbasket, around the breadbasket, and under the breadbasket; he picks the breadbasket up, turns it over, and shakes it. Nope! No bagels there! Ryan enters the kitchen, patting the chest of an exasperated, bagel-less, Sandy on his way past. Ryan removes a carton of orange juice from the fridge, looks momentarily perplexed, and then pours a drop into his glass before realizing that it's empty. He turns his angry gaze across the kitchen to Hailey, who is obliviously drinking from her full, Cohen-size glass. it's Seth's turn; he shuffles through the newspaper, unable to find the section he's looking for. When he notices Hailey reading "Arts & Leisure," he throws the paper down in frustration. There's nothing left, apparently, for Kirsten to be pissy about, so they repeat the bagel shtick with her. As they all stare at her back, Hailey rocks on, completely unaware.

The Cohens tromp out into the hallway, where Sandy whines that Hailey's eating the Cohens out of house and home! When Kirsten tries to placate him by saying that it's just a bagel, Sandy's all, "No! No! No! It's never just a bagel!" As a "lifelong shut-in," Seth asserts that Hailey never leaves the house, and Ryan suggests that it's because all her friends want to kick her ass. When he apologizes for the bad language, Sandy yelps, "Why? I'd like to kick her ass!" Seth nods emphatically in agreement, and no one nods emphatically in agreement like Adam Brody does. Hailey yells into the hallway that they're out of coffee; can Kirsten make more? And not the harvest blend, either, but the good French roast? Sandy makes a series of emphatic "no" gestures toward Kirsten, but she heads to Hailey's aid anyway, promising to talk to her. Sandy concludes, "I guess I'll have to survive on English muffins."

Seth trails Ryan into the pool house, pretending to look for Marissa because, he jokes, she's always there. Ryan's not amused, so Seth continues that with Hailey always in the living room and Marissa always in the pool house, he's been lost; he laments, "What happened to Seth-Ryan time? That was quality time." There's some debate over whether Ryan is whipped, before he offers to fit Seth in right now. Seth faux-commends him on the gesture before accepting. He explains that he and Anna have "decided to take it to the level." With a delivery which would, I think, perfectly befit this character -- neither excitement nor condemnation -- Ryan deduces, "You're gonna have sex," to which Seth is all, "No, but that's a good idea, though." He reveals that he and Anna are going to tell Summer about their relationship, because as much as he fears Summer hurting him "what with the rage blackouts and all," he's more scared of hurting her feelings, because they're friends now. Marissa suddenly jumps out from behind the floor lamp where she's been hiding by turning sideways, and lopes across the room. As she attaches herself to Ryan's neck like some sort of short-skirt-wearing barnacle, Seth Xanders that they were just talking about "guy stuff. You know, hunting, and shaving and shoes. Uh, the cleats? For the...sports?" Marissa hurries the boys off to school, but not before Seth makes Ryan promise to finish their conversation after school. As Ryan turns back to fetch something, Seth's all, "Uh. You forgot your balls." (Speaking of balls, whatever happened to Ryan's soccer career?) As Marissa drags Ryan bodily from the room, Seth makes a whip-cracking gesture, accompanied by a startlingly realistic whip-cracking sound.

Tinkling.

As Ryan and Marissa walk through the hallways of the Harbor School, Marissa wears a skirt that's a little on the long side for her. Which just means that it covers her vagina. They discuss whether they've become one of those couples who spend all their time with each other and dis all their friends in the process. What they should really be concerned about, though, is whether they've become one of those couples who finish each other's sentences. Because they have. And it's not good. While Marissa seems mostly amused, Ryan looks concerned; he suggests that they spend the night apart. Marissa jokes that she's kind of sick of Ryan, and here's our chance for Ryan to say -- even in jest would be fine -- that he's sick of her, too. But he doesn't and instead goes the "I'm sick of me, too" route. Well, I'm sick of her. Go away, Marissa. Go hide behind a pole vaulting pole or a particularly tall piece of chalk or something. They momentarily part ways until Marissa's back and wheedling, "Walk me?" Ryan puts his arm around her and they're off.

Meanwhile, in the library, more annoying coupling happens. A greasy-haired Anna wears a bright blue scarf wrapped around her neck, and a long-sleeved pink t-shirt under a bright yellow short-sleeved shirt. Her eye shadow manages to encompass all the colors of her wardrobe. She's like Rainbow Brite. Except more like Rainbow Bwrong. Anna and Seth sit side by side and tease each other in a way that's meant to be cute but is more awkward than anything else. Seth flips her book shut, and then she flips his book shut, and then there's some poking, which culminates in Seth's attempt to bite her hand. Sex-ay. Except not. When Summer approaches, Anna and Seth quickly cease their scuffling. Summer is curt toward Seth, but friendly as she asks if Anna is doing anything this weekend. Seth -- who can apparently now talk without moving his lips (was I the only one to notice this bizarrely bad dubbing?) -- responds, "What Anna's trying to say is she's not gonna do anything. We're both not doing anything. That's what we're both doing. But in fact we're doing nothing. But. Doing that by myself." Summer stares at him while Anna drops her head in shame. Summer sarcastically thanks Seth for reminding her that she needs her Bio textbook "'cause we're studying monkeys." As Summer leaves, Anna whines that she hates liars! And now she is one! When Seth promises that he'll talk to Summer, Anna volunteers for the job, but Seth insists that he'll do it after he and Ryan have a little "goodwill strategy meeting." He and Anna then resume their flirty page-turning and rib-jabbing and nail-nibbling and booger-throwing and nit-picking and other activities comprising their extremely unsexy flirtation.

The gang hangs out by the entrance to the concert. Sadly, Marissa's clothes haven't changed. Even more sadly, the actress who plays Marissa hasn't, either. They look around awkwardly for Oliver, and then head inside to check for him. The nasty woman checking V.I.P. names has never heard of Oliver Trask, so Marissa heads off to call him. As two normal-looking girls walk past, Luke loudly announces, "There's a lot of freaks here, huh, Cohen?" Considering that Anna -- in a shiny, ruched pink jacket -- and Seth are the two of the mostly oddly garbed people I've seen yet, that's a little pot calling the kettle black-ish of him. A mortified Seth commends Luke on trying to make new friends. Seth twitches and whines that they'll miss the first song, and Rooney has only one album! Anna promises that they'll have fun tonight, even if they don't get into this concert. Then they try to poke each other in the nose. I know it sounds strange, but that's what they do. Summer bubbles up, wearing a modified femullet and heart earrings. If anyone could pull it off, she could. Which is not to say she actually does. Summer greets Seth with little enthusiasm, but Anna more fondly. As Marissa returns to the group, revealing that she just got Oliver's voicemail, Luke freaks out with the pointing and the "Dude. Dude! Look at that freak!"

The dejected group ambles through the parking lot, looking like they just missed the rave because they couldn't find the convenience store where they were supposed to exchange their egg. Summer asks if Anna will ride with her, because Summer came alone, and Seth can't believe they are giving in so easily; he suggests that he can "grease some palms." Oliver appears, and Luke practically tears his arm off trying to shake his hand. Oliver claims he said the back door, and Ryan is quick to correct that he didn't. A car door slams, and the camera pans over to reveal Rooney, who traipse through the group as Summer waves at them cutely. Just after they've passed by, Luke's all, "Which one's Rooney?" Oliver identifies the gang as his "posse" to the person working the door. And I'm not sure the word "posse" has been uttered on national television since Ian Ziering trod the hallowed halls of West Beverly. As they head inside, Marissa hugs Oliver, who explains that he and Natalie had another fight so he's dateless tonight. She's all "no way" and volunteers that she and Ryan will be his date. Ryan is not pleased.

At The Big House, Sandy and Kirsten plan on taking a hot tub with wine in the privacy of their home. First, though, Sandy mandates that they need to interrupt all of Hailey's TiVo programs. Suddenly, Hailey pops into the hallway, offering them pizza and proclaiming that they're just in time. We see Jimmy sitting on the couch in the background; playing Operation, he greets Kirsten and Sandy with a tip of his head and a "Doctor. Doctor." Hee. When a gape-mouthed Kirsten asks if Jimmy and Hailey aren't going out tonight, Hailey explains that she found a Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime, so instead she decided to dig up all her old favorite board games; Jimmy adds that their evening is meant to be a "throwback" to the old babysitting days. As Kirsten and Sandy attempt to recover, Hailey coos over an episode in which Rose adopts a pig.

Backstage at the concert, Luke stares at someone tuning a guitar. Oliver hands over an "all access" ticket, and then asks if Luke can borrow a spare guitar that just happens to be sitting there. Luke announces that he's written a few songs, and then strums as the camera zooms in ominously. His voice is fine, but the words? "The first time I saw you eyes I knew we'd get it o-o-o-o-on....!" Hee. An embarrassed Oliver excuses himself as the camera pans away to where Seth and Anna continue arguing over where and when to tell Summer about them; Anna argues for here and now. Oliver interrupts to hand over their tickets, all, "So. Luke...he...." Seth interrupts to finish, "Yeah. We don't let him out much." The camera pans back to Luke, whose song has swiftly changed from ballad to funk as he screams, "No he di'int! Yes, he do do do do do. Whoosh!" It's very "Joe Lies." They pause briefly to stare, and then Anna continues whining. Seth suggests that if he doesn't tell Summer tonight, she'll be able to look back and remember the concert as fun, which will cheer her up. Anna points out that there will never be a good time to tell Summer, but that tonight might not be bad, because there are lot of musicians around, and girls like musicians. Seth considers this, and then asks if he's flattering himself that Summer would even care about him compared to all the other guys who are there. As he surveys the crowd, Summer returns and asks, "Are you checking out dudes again, Cohen?" Hee. Anna awkwardly segues that there are plenty of guys around tonight, and that she's going to go find some herself! Summer starts to say something about Seth and Anna; he cuts her off laughing, all, "Me and Anna what? What?" Summer shyly asks if they'll stand with her at the concert, because she's alone. Seth thinks that would be nice while Luke finishes up his song, which may or may not be about Rosa, the Cohens' housekeeper.

Outside, a panicked Oliver yells into his phone that "your boy" was supposed to be here an hour ago! He doesn't care who comes! As long as "it's good" and it gets there quick! I'll bet Oliver just ordered a pizza! And if it doesn't get there in under thirty minutes, it's free!

Back at the Rooney concert, it's Ryan's turn to cling to Marissa. Oliver complains about being "stuck behind a row of giants," and considering he's talking to the very tall Marissa, it's a strange thing to say. Still, he urges her to follow him up front; she does, trailed by an eye-rolling Ryan.

Elsewhere, Seth is awkwardly explaining to Anna that he didn't yet tell Summer -- who is, in fact, just "bringing some refreshments for her friends." A drink-bearing Summer returns, looking particularly sweet and earnest. Seth mouths, "I'm sorry" at the distraught Anna, who bluntly announces, "I gotta pee. You gotta pee?" Summer volunteers to "come with," and as the girls head off together, Anna gestures to Seth that she'll tell Summer.

At The Big House, Sandy sullenly watches a rousing game of Connect Four while Kirsten and Jimmy reminisce about the time her parents went to Palm Springs and Jimmy and Kirsten flushed the beer down the toilet and Caleb caught them throwing out the empties. No one mentions how drunk they must have been to think that flushing beer down the toilet was a reasonable plan for its disposal. Hailey fesses up that she wasn't sleeping through all of their antics, claiming that she learned everything she knows from Kirsten. When Kirsten cheerfully responds, "So the student becomes the master," Hailey takes the joke too far and continues, "And the master becomes dad's slave." She then goes even further, rambling on about "turning paradise into a parking lot, or at least a three-car garage." This is followed by awkward silence until Jimmy scores a Connect Four. Sandy sees an exit opportunity and leaps to his feet: "Congratulations! Saturday, Yahtzee!" Hailey urges Sandy to stay for Battleship or Uno, but Kirsten says she's tired, too; plus, she has to show a home the day. Hailey sees another opportunity to bust on Kirsten's job, claiming that the home has been "airlifted from the mansion factory and dropped from the sky." Jimmy tries to defuse the situation by saying that the house sounds great, but Hailey obliviously continues, "Yeah, if by 'great,' you mean 'overpriced, overbuilt, and exactly like this one'!" Sandy sarcastically congratulates her on the comment, and Hailey claims she was kidding, to which Kirsten responds that she's laughing on the inside. Sandy's not, though; he lays into Hailey who's living in his house, insulting his wife, and driving his whole family crazy. How very caveman of him. Hailey looks shocked as Sandy adds that they all know what Hailey's doing in Newport. Jimmy speaks up for Hailey, insisting that she didn't mean anything; it's just sisterly teasing. He puts a comforting arm around Hailey's shoulder while Sandy goes on about how Hailey's talk about plans and growing up is "shtick," and it's tired. Kirsten announces that she is what's tired, and suggests that they just stop. Sandy tells her to stop protecting Hailey, and then yells that Kirsten is the only reason the Cohens put up with her. Hailey snits that they won't have to put up with her for much longer; she stomps out of the room, taking out the Connect Four game on her way past. Checkers everywhere! Jimmy volunteers, "Sorry?" When Kirsten insists that it's not his fault, he explains he meant the board game. Hee.

Concert. Bathroom. The girls reapply lipstick as Summer sweetly sings the theme song to The Golden Girls. She's got a bluesy, Norah Jones-type thing going on. Anna makes a gesture of excitement, and then joins in the chorus. They exclaim over their mutual love of the show, and Anna's all, "I mean, it's not Rose's fault. She just is that way." Summer can't believe Anna's Rose, because she's Blanche! And we've already got our Dorothy, thank you Hailey. Summer echoes Hailey's earlier comment about relating to a seventy-year-old woman, and why do I have the feeling that's a thought Josh Schwartz has had at least once in his lifetime? Because the man loves The Golden Girls. They squeal over various episodes, and such plot points as blackouts and pig adoptions and lost glasses and pigs mistaken for babies. Anna visibly reconsiders breaking the news to Summer.

Jimmy quietly leaves The Big House as Hailey trails after him, apologizing for her "little tantrum." He excuses her, because her relationship with Kirsten is complicated and always has been. When Hailey asks if Jimmy really has to leave, Jimmy responds, "Yeah, I don't know if I ever told you, Hailey. But I'm an extremely. Important. Person." Hee. As they sit on the steps, she suggests that tonight felt like the good old days; Jimmy responds that it was more like "two kind of pathetic people grasping for the old days." As they giggle, he points out that the good old days are exactly that, asking whether she would really want to be back in high school? She would, and so would he. Hailey asks whether he really thinks she's pathetic; he does, but not pathetic enough for him not to kiss her. As they kiss, he reaches in her direction -- more specifically, in the direction of her breasts -- and then pulls away. She asks if he knows she always had a crush on him, and he awkwardly responds that since she was eight when he went away to college, he wasn't exactly thinking of her like that. Hee. After another kiss, he pulls away again. When he moans that she's Kirsten's sister, Hailey responds, "So I've heard all my life." Jimmy goes on about not wanting to make a complicated situation more complicated, adding that the last thing they need is Sandy or Kirsten catching them. He slows down to suggest that maybe that's exactly what Hailey wants, though. She looks caught as he tells her that Kirsten and Sandy are amazing; both he and Hailey are lucky to have the Cohens looking out for them. He leaves, but turns at his car door to look back at her and make weird, fishy faces at her with his mouth. She does the same back at him.

Back at the concert, Rooney's lead singer's shirt turns from green to blue to green again with the lights. Oliver and Marissa look at each other and nod to the beat. It might be intended as dancing. At the front of the stage, a random guy randomly pumps his fists in the air. Likely, it's the same person who swam laps at Hailey's New Year's Eve party. Ryan pushes his way through the crowd to talk to Marissa, but Oliver interrupts him to compliment the band. As Ryan grabs Marissa and pulls her away, Oliver scratches his nose, scratches himself, fixes his hair, twitches, and brushes off the imaginary insects crawling all over him. He needs a fix, get it? In the stairwell, Marissa and Ryan make out. Ryan thinks it's better out here, but Marissa whines that they're missing the concert! Yet another Oliver-related argument ensues, during which Ryan questions Marissa's two-week "friendship" with Oliver. When Marissa explains that he's also in recovery and she can talk with him about what she's going through, Ryan's all, "Unlike me." A vein in his jaw pulses. Angry, angry vein! Marissa says she knows that Ryan didn't want to go to the concert, so if he wants to leave, he can. Ryan immediately storms off, and a bothered-looking Marissa calls after him, but doesn't follow.

As Ryan charges through the crowd, a voice singing along gets louder and louder. The camera pans over to reveal that the voice belongs to Luke, who is happily bouncing up and down and throwing up rabbit ears. Beside him, Seth looks put out and attempts to pull the old "You know who sings this song? Well, you should keep it that way" joke, but is thwarted by Luke's eager yelp of "Rooney!", combined with a particularly enthusiastic bout of air guitar.

Ryan busts out of the side door to find Oliver being thrown up against a fence. He runs to Oliver's defense, but the aggressor pulls out a police badge. When Ryan suggests that there's got to be a mistake, the cop explains that Oliver just tried to score three grams of coke. As he's led away in handcuffs, Oliver tells Ryan not to tell anyone.

Ryan returns inside, where he finds Seth gesturing fanatically (and unsuccessfully) to get the attention of the bartender. Calling him "barkeep" probably isn't helping Seth's case. As Ryan approaches, the bartender immediately asks what he can get him, and Seth's all, "How'd you do that?" Ryan is typically reticent. When Ryan orders a "Mountain Dew," the bartender asks, "How many?" which is just strange. If you order a drink, I think it's generally assumed that you're asking for one, but it does get the point across: Seth needs not one drink, or two, but three. Get it? He explains to Ryan that Anna is telling Summer about them right now, and when they get back from the bathroom, he'll officially be in a relationship with Anna. Unless Summer kills him, he tells Ryan: "In which case you've been like a brother to me." Throughout Seth's rambling, Ryan is fidgety. He quickly says he's glad to hear it, because he needs Seth's keys and phone. Seth asks if he's okay, and Ryan reveals that it's actually about Oliver. As Ryan heads off, Seth yells after him, "You're gonna miss a hell of a show though, man! And Rooney's not bad, either." He practically "ba dump bump bump"s on the bar, cracking himself up over his joke. Turning back to the bar, he expressed frustration over the absence of Mountain Dew awaiting him.

Back at The Big House, Kirsten and Sandy fret over Hailey's condition. She won't open her bedroom door for Kirsten, who suspects that she's packing to sneak out in the middle of the night. Sandy is fiddling around in the oven throughout this scene. He's not wearing oven mitts so presumably he's cleaning it. Or retrieving his hidden bagels. Kirsten admits that she'd rather have Hailey at The Big House than anywhere else, but Sandy thinks that her being around forever isn't good for anyone. They're interrupted by a phone call from Ryan, and Sandy's off to the police station!

Seth finally gets his Mountain Dews just as the concert ends. He sadly walks through the crowd and is approached by Anna. When he asks how it went, Anna enthuses over the fact that Rooney played the whole album! He clarifies that he meant how it went with Summer -- did Anna tell her? At that moment, Summer appears, all, "Tell me what?"

Cut to Summer sitting on the couch while Seth and Anna stand side by side above her. She snacks on a carrot and concludes, "So you're a couple." Seth exclaims, "No!" while Anna goes with "Yes!" Seth quickly explains that they wanted to tell Summer before they officially became a couple. Waving the carrot around, Summer further deduces, "So you chose Anna." Seth says, "Nooooo..." but corrects himself upon a stare-down from Anna: "Kind of. Yeah." When Seth continues that Anna came over on New Year's Eve, Summer is perplexed, because Anna was with her that night. Anna explains that Summer was technically with Alan, and she kept insisting that Anna find someone to kiss, so she did. Anna clings possessively to Seth throughout this scene; it's not really the way to go, I don't think, if her interest is truly in not hurting Summer's feelings. If it's in rubbing it in, though, then it's perfect. Seth explains, "Yeah. I was takin' out the garbage; she was in the driveway; you know how these things go." Summer gnaws on the carrot -- seriously, I half-expected a "What's up, Doc?" -- and responds, "Okay, well. Congrats." Seth can't believing Summer's not mad, while Anna gasps with relief, because she didn't want this to affect their relationship. The camera closes in on Summer's face, and we see she's wearing so much bronzer that it looks like she's been hiding in the oven with Sandy's bagels. Summer considers Anna's plea, and then insists that she at least has to say that "Rose would never have pulled that New Year's stunt on Blanche." When Anna apologizes, Summer matter-of-factly adds, "Although Blanche would have done it to Rose. So." Seth looks momentarily perplexed, and then asks if they can still hang out. Summer enthusiastically says that of course they can; in fact, what are they doing right now?

Juvie. We see Ryan through the gate -- this time on the other side of the gates, though. Sandy shuffles toward him, announcing that Oliver's been released. Ryan asks how Sandy managed it, and Sandy's all, "I'm just that good," before revealing that he used to play poker with the jail keepers. Ryan earnestly thanks him. When Sandy anxiously asks if Oliver is his friend, Ryan explains that he's Marissa's friend, and he claims he's been clean. A dismayed Sandy confirms that Oliver was trying to buy coke; he marvels over the fact that Oliver's parents left him on his own like that. Ryan's all, "Yeah. Imagine that." Sandy plaintively looks at him and concludes, "I'll never understand it." Ryan responds, "I hope not." Aw. Sandy is glad that Ryan called him, and Ryan is glad, too. Oliver gets escorted out, and Sandy heads off to finish the paperwork. Oliver is wearing a pink shirt and jacket. I like pink shirts on men. That doesn't mean I like his on Oliver. Maybe on Hailey, though. Oliver awkwardly sits beside Ryan and thanks him, saying that Sandy is cool. Ryan and I both agree. When Oliver asks why Ryan helped him, since he doesn't even like him, Ryan points out that he doesn't really know him. Oliver says he doesn't like himself very much right now, either. Ryan asks what happened, and Oliver explains that Natalie's no-show and Ryan and Marissa's sickening public displays of affection combined to make him realize how alone he is: his parents are gone and his friend disappeared when he got clean. Ryan considers Oliver's plight, and then offers that Seth likes Oliver's taste in music and "Luke pretty much likes everybody at this point." Oliver wheedles that Ryan must like him at least a little to get him out of jail. Ryan corrects him that it was Sandy who got him out of jail. Ryan's cell phone rings; he checks it to see that it's Marissa. When Oliver asks if he going to tell her, Ryan hands over the phone: "No. You are."