Warning: Bad language. No nudity. You got to see Baldwin's ass last week, so deal.
Here goes the longest "Previously on NYPD Blue" yet: Di tells Kirky the job is watching her prick loser ex-husband Don, Kirky goes and tells Don he's a conspiracy collar anytime they want him, Don gets arrested and Fancy tells him not to blab about Kirky to anyone ever or else, Di tells Denby Jill had nothing to do with Don's dealings, Di asks Kirky if she could have had anything to do with Don's dealings and Kirky says maybe ("I could have dropped off pastries his mom made for parties...."), Kirky helps Don get away, Don STEALS BOBBY'S RING, Denby finds a body in a dumpster with Bobby's ring and Di gets it back, Di asks Kirky if "there would be any point in knowing the details" if something bad happened to Don, Kirky cries, Denby asks Di to drink with him and then for kisses, which she gives him. Eww.
Some feedback-y guitar that sounds just like Sonic Youth's 100% turns into those stoopid keyboards and we arrive at the station house. John is getting biz-zay with some whiteout. Work it, John! A big old burly man with a mustache comes in. He looks just like Lachs Walensa, so we'll call him Wally. By way of introduction he gives John his card and introduces himself. He does body work on cars. John perks up. Ooh, butch. Ricky gets up and is like, do you need to talk to a detective? Nah, John will do. Kidding. Wally lumbers over to Ricky and Sip's desk area and starts his sad story: "A guy I love with is doing armed robberies. My wife got involved with a good Samaritan-type prison rehab program -- she had me put him to work in one of my shops - and she had him move in. I smell funny smells when they hang out in the living room late at night..." Ricky interjects, "Like burning Styrofoam?" Wally says yeah. "Is that some kind of drug?" Ricky says some people say crack smells like burning Styrofoam. I'm glad I don't know that first-hand...it's disgusting. Wally gets all maudlin as he proceeds to the self-pity part of his visit. "I was an athlete in high school...a very active bowler..." Oh, boo hoo! Sip rolls his eyes at the speed of light. I have to learn how to do that. "...now I'm so depressed." Ricky asks about the stick-ups. How did Wally know? "Every so often he ("he" being felon Joey Fica) waves around some cash. I started writing down dates." Ricky says they'll check the dates against unsolved robberies. Sip asks (kind of rudely) how long this has been going on. This is a real issue for Sip: He demands immediacy. You know something, you act. Or that's what he wants. Wally says four and a half months. Sip says, "Four and a half months," so sneeringly I think Wally will cry. Ricky says they'll check, again. Wally gets up and says falteringly, "I'll tell you, low as I've been feeling lately, I wouldn't be surprised if I was a little slow on the uptake." Wouldn't you now! Neither would anyone else, Wally. He leaves and Sip waits until he's gone to yell, "Hey, don't be to hard on yourself. Your wife's smoking crack with a convicted felon in your guest room; there's gotta be a million good reasons for THAT." (Insert rimshot here followed by the sound of weak clapping)
Woosh! Bloosh! Subway! Credits!
Di's cooling her heels in a coffeeshop. The waitress gushes her thanks because Di helped recover the money on some bad checks they were written. Wow, coffeeshops accept personal checks? In gritty, gritty New York City? Cool. As Di waits she sees Denby across the street. She goes, "Eww," then stares. Who's that guy with him? Denby sees her and gets a very faint "oh, shit" look on his face as he hops in a cab. The waitress comes over to give Di a cake box and a hug and Di cranes her neck to look at the guy...cheap sunglasses...bad bleach blond dye job...stupid wrinkly jacket...then Di gets that look: oh, shit! Is that DON? A bus zooms by and when it passes, Maybe-Don is gone. Nice trick. Maybe Maybe-Don is a stupid magician. I hate Don.
Ricky's doing the hunt-and-peck on the first computer I've ever seen in the station house. Sip leans over his shoulder. "So, where's all the porn at? Just type in 'P-O-R-N.' C'mon, let's get porn! What else do you do with computers, a.k.a. porn machines!" Kidding. Ricky's putting the dates Wally gave him into the magical machine called a com-pu-tor and seeing what comes up. Sip's ranting about what a "doofus" Wally is. Um, takes one to know one, ya nerd. Kidding. Whoops! The system just went down. Boy, that can be frustrating. Technical difficulties suck, yes? We at Mighty Big TV know that very well. Di comes in just as Fancy leans over Ricky's shoulder to read the error message: "You are locked out." But we can still get porn, right? Kidding. Sip sneers at the computer, "So dra-MA-tic." Um, pot, kettle? You two know each other, right? Di says to Sip, "Got a minute?" Since there's no porn to be had, Sip excuses himself and leaves the computer to Ricky.
In the coffee room, Di tells Sip she knows she saw Denby and she thinks she saw Don. Denby said he was dead, and she got Bobby's ring back, but she thinks she saw Don. Sip suggests reaching out to Denby, but Di says she'll wait for him to reach out to her. Oh, and don't tell Kirky.
Sip comes out and Ricky just looks at him. Are you talking about me? Sip ahems and says it was something to do with Bobby, about one of his possessions. Di comes out with coffee for all of them. "Wanna go check on those gas stations?" Ricky says yeah. They all sip their coffee in mismatched mugs. One-two-three: Sluuurp.
Keyboards, stationhouse. An old geezer comes in. Man, he's old. He yells at John, "I got a question on my mind about whether I'm being bilked!" Di and Kirky lead him towards their desks as he continues to explain: he's paid $18,000 this week to the men repairing his house. Jesus! He's alone, his son moved away. "I'm worried I'm being a dope." Kirky says, "Everyone's a dope sometimes." Oh boy, are those words ever coming back to haunt you later on.
I'm beginning to hate those funky keyboards that lead us to a gas station. Thanks for not making any corporate affiliations. An Indian man with a bandaged arm yells at a car driving off, "DON'T tip me ten cents then! Lousy cheap BASTARD." Dude, I thought your people invented yoga? Look into it. Relaaax. Sip, who hates when anyone is more vitriolic than he, mutters, "Oh, brother." Sip-Dude, you're one to talk. Ricky starts talking to Mr. Patel about being robbed and cut and Mr. Patel starts yelling AGAIN. "Eighty percent severed tendon...." That sucks. Ricky asks him to look at photos of suspects and Mr. Patel says, "Or what, you'll hang me upside down and beat me with a bamboo cane?" Sip growls, "Don't put ideas in our heads." Mr. Patel grudgingly looks at photos until...there's one that looks familiar. "Knife-cutting pig-faced BASTARD!" He spits. "Filthy BASTARD." Ricky says okay and shows him a new set of photos -- women this time. Mr. Patel sifts through them until he sees one and flings it on the ground and stomps on it. "Big-nosed thieving bitch-woman!" Sip cracks, "For a guy with a temper he's got good recall." Mr. Patel has now totally lost it. "Ask him why he cut my hand when I gave him money. Ask him why he cuts me then!" He hugs Ricky and cries loudly. Oh, what a passionate people. "He hurt my hand so bad! Ask him why!" Sip glowers as Mr. Patel blubbers.
The gritty gritty street scenes lead us to Fancy's office, where Di and Kirky are talking about "Scottish gypsy hustlers." Fancy says he wants then out of the precinct. "Put in a call to Tyrone and see if you can get a video setup. And if you don't collar up, tell them how pretty Pittsburgh is in the spring."
Phone! John has it. Oh Di, it's Denby. Di picks up. "Hi. Is that right, I just popped into your head. It's your dime, am I supposed to entertain you? Okay, we can talk. Three minutes in front of the station house."
Ricky and Sip are hauling a cheap-looking bleach blonde lady and a dirty-haired skinny skel up the steps. The lady says, "These are the most troublesome events I've ever been involved with!" The guy says, "I can't believe you let these assholes in." Ricky says, "That's what you get for consorting with non-felon types." The lady continues, "I have no idea what that pipe paraphernalia is...I never said I was Julie Andrews!" Ricky leads her away and asks who Julie Andrews is.
Di's sitting at her desk, thinking so hard you can actually see her brain working. She gets up and asks Baldwin if he's got a minute. He follows her into the coffee room. Look, if it's about his ass, you got to see it last week. She asks Di to follow the guy she's going to be talking to, and shows him a photo of Don. "His hair will be red now." Sweet, sweet Baldwin asks, "Do I need to know who this is?" Di says no, and thanks.
Ricky and Sip are in the bathroom, washing up. Ally hands them each a towel. They talk about their crack-smoking, gas-station robbing couple and note she's 15 years older then he is. Ricky asks, "You think that means something?" Sip says he'll go at him that way. "Maybe he's a mama's boy." They burst into the pokey and Joey the skel looks skyward, complaining weakly. "This is bogus...calling me a monkey...I can take a beating." Sip says he'd love to deliver one. Ricky asks about the post-robbery cutting, "that's what my partner doesn't understand." Joey the skel says, "Your partner has a sadistic streak of sadism." BA HA HA! Is it sadistic of me to find that funny? I must have a real sadistic streak of sadism then. Sip goes, "Sure, make me the issue. That guy you cut can't use his hand anymore, and him being a towel-head makes that a hate crime. But you cry about me." It's all about you, Sip! Learn it, live it. Ricky says, "That's twenty-five years, without extenuating circumstances." Sip goes, "Here we go with the extenuating circumstances, oh boo hoo." Joey Skelly yells, "Sick sadistic bastard! Did your dad ever burn you with cigarettes?" Ricky asks if that's why he robbed six gas stations. "Ever have an addictive drug problem?" Sip has, and he "held an honest job." Ricky says again, "I'm trying to understand the cutting." Joey Skelly loses it: "You don't understand nothin'! The difference between crack and booze! Here!" He gets up and lifts up his shirt, showing his scarred back. "He burned me and he cut me! All right!" Sip and Ricky make calm-down noises. Joey Skelly breaks down. "You sick sadistic bastard, boo hoo!" Oy.
Di meets Denby outside. He goes, "I like to think of this as our spot." She says, "You don't let a day go by, do you." What? "Without you looking bagged." He goes, "A day without getting loaded is a day wasted." Wow, remind me to get that embroidered on a pillow sometime. They pass on the small talk, Denby makes a big show of spitting out a mint - Patooie! - and he says he saw her outside the diner. Di loses her patience and asks if he knows how stupid this conversation sounds. Imagine writing it down! Now that's stupid. Denby says he liked it when Di watched him drink and she leaves him in disgust. He goes, and Baldwin stealthily follows. I love it when Baldwin's around, but it's also nice to see him leave, if you know what I mean.
Di bursts back into the office and yells, "What an asshole. Coffee?" Sip gets glowerly until John recognizes that that's his cue to leave. "May I feed your fish?" Sip says yeah, but "be careful!" Di tells Sip that Denby knows she knows something. Sip suggests that maybe Denby is working with Don now. Di goes, "Oh god! Oh god!" In walks Kirky. What's the matter? On the spot, Di and Sip make up a fake story about her cousin getting a speeding ticket that the trooper wouldn't take back. What a jerk, ANYWAYS. Di whispers to Sip that Baldwin's following Denby and that it's too soon to tell Kirky. Sip, as a nod to the late twentieth century, says, "Duh." Di says she'll tell Ricky now.
In the coffee room, Ricky makes a big deal about when she brought him coffee. Di tells him all about Don and Denby and says it's a "mess. There was no point handing you a bag." Ricky, using his brain, says, "It looks like Denby lied." Where's Sip to say duh when you need him? Di says -- say it with her -- ANYWAYS.
Ricky comes out and says, "Explain the context of your earlier explanation of your conversation." Sip didn't even understand what. "You wanna talk to the skel Sonia or you wanna linger breaking my balls." Ricky, gentleman, says, "After you."
Di ahems (the close captioning actually says "Ahem"!) and says to Kirky that they should go check on the old guy. Okay.
Sonia the skel is protesting too much. "I'm a mother with children! I've never been in a police station. I had my honeymoon in Bangkok." What now? "Did Al the mutt call the ASPCA?" She smirks as Sip yells at her about being a strung-out crack addict. Ricky suggests that she just give Joey up since he's a collar anyway, and that she could just say he threatened her to go along with him against her will, and she blubbers, "I'm in a nightmare hallucination! I don't know if I can quit! All right! You'll go along with me...he threatened the kids!" Sip and Ricky look disgusted.
Di and Kirky are in the locker room. Di's rocking a powder blue tank top. Is that a Playtex bra under there? It better be. Kirky says, "Did I hear John say Denby called you?" Oh yeah, heh heh. "What's that about." Di says he was "thinking with his dick." "So he called out of the blue just to hit on you?" Di asks how Kirky's feeling about Don these days. "You know how it was with Bobby...not that Don and I had the same relationship." Or that Don was even a good person. "I told the kids not to expect to see him around again. It's a real big adjustment." For the fifth time this episode, Di says, "ANYWAYS." Kirky says thanks for asking.
We get some shots of the Lower East Side (hello, Katz's Deli!) and we land in the old guy's house. Di's playing his niece as they try to snag the corrupt house repair people. Di's flirting up a storm. One of the guys oh-so-discreetly squirts water from a teeny tiny bottle in his pocket and says whoops, look at this. We need more money for new tools now. Cut to them being on video. Cut back and Di gushes, "I'm so glad you came into my Uncle Tim's life." One of the scumbags says, "How about dinner and a movie and we'll call it even." Di swats him on the arm and says, "He's TERRIBLE!" Two cops along with Kirky and Medavoy are hiding/waiting outside. Medavoy swaggers up and says, "We got it -- you be backup." The two fake-contractors come out and he goes, "Police! We got a problem." The bigger one goes, "I was just making a delivery," and takes off running. Medavoy grabs onto his waist and hangs on. He's dragged half a block before the other two cops pop up with their guns drawn. The big goon gives up and kneels down. Medavoy, panting, gets up and says, "You want more my friend? Cause I got more." Ha ha, not.
Di and Kirky are interviewing the big fake construction guy. He has a number of aliases. "I'm a legitimate repair specialist now!" Sure you are. Di says a (gritty!) New York City building inspector says no actual repairs were made -- they just silver spray-painted the roof and wiring. "I'm sorry Mr. O'Leary was unhappy with the work that was done. Maybe we can adjust the cost down." Di suggests a full restitution and that they "get on a bus" afterwards. Yeah, I hear Pittsburgh is beautiful in the spring. The goon says, "I can be back with the cash in half an hour." Di suggests (so many good suggestions, that Di) that they send "one of the scumbags that works for you" to go get the money. The goon says, "We can do it that way too." Good.
Wally comes in. Sip says, "Oh good, the ostrich." Wally says, "My suspicions were borne out." Sip cracks that maybe he also suspects that cars are not just a passing fad. Wally says he's got a lawyer for his wifey, but "don't you think the judge will drop the charges, because she was under duress?" What? "He threatened the children!" Sip narrows his eyes and says, "Al. Al, of Al's body repair." Ricky tries to stop Sip by saying "ANYWAYS," but it's no use. "I know you take a good hard look at life. We police sometimes give people an excuse to cling to just to get them to say they did it, then the DA takes their excuse apart in court, so all they're left with is their confession." Wally, dim to the end, says, "What's that go to do with Sonia?" Um, everything, retard. She robbed gas stations for crack? What don't you get? Sip backs down and says that he'll want to keep legal representation. Wally adds, "I could have felt real guilty about Sonia being in a cell. I would have felt like a real homewrecker." Yeah, more than your gas-station-robbing-crack-smoking-wife does. He leaves and Sip opens his mouth to says what I just said and Ricky says, "He's married to her, Andy."
Baldwin sidles into the office. Where were you? "Yeah, I was on lost time," he lies. Medavoy brags that he used his "anchor takedown on one of those scummers." Baldwin goes, "Yeah, huh. ANYWAYS, Di, wanna talk away from Sip's prying eyes?" Sip says his eyes don't pry no mo'. Ricky says -- and this has to be a shout-out to me -- "The owl has left the building." John looks like he's rolling his eyes but he's just figuring out a way to get around the hunky mass that is Baldwin. "I need to get upstairs."
Sip asks, "What's the anchor takedown, when he grabs the guy's waist and holds on for dear life?" Wow, it's like you were there. Kirky takes the fifth. Medavoy says, "Exhausting the perpetrator is a good technique." Sort of like how this show wears people down? News flash: It's not always a good technique.
Di locks the door to get Baldwin's report: "Denby met two guys outside a Citibank. He met (Don), bought a bunch of lottery tickets and scratched them on that guy's back." Di mutters, "A couple of criminal masterminds." Baldwin comments on Don's bad dye job. Di says, "Oh, you don't think half-assed blonde-red is his natural color? ANYWAYS...thanks, Baldwin." Baldwin asks if Di could leave first. She does and he goes to pee.
Di comes back into the office and says -- once more, with feeling! -- "ANYWAYS." Kirky looks up and she and Sip go into the fake speeding ticket story again. Kirky puts on her coat and asks if Di would mind staying for the restitution because she really has to go, ahem, home. Why that doesn't send off any red flags for Di I don't know. Everyone says a special goodnight to Kirky, which should send off red flags to HER, but you know. She's totally unaware at the moment. The second Kirky is out the door, the phone rings. Di gets it and Sip's face gets uber-owly. Di says, "Not for a couple hours. Some of us still work our jobs, asshole. Yeah okay. I can't wait." That last part was sarcasm. Silence in the office. Di gets up and leaves. Baldwin looks at everyone but no one says anything. So he goes over to Medavoy's desk and says in a jovial manner, "Let's hear about it, tough guy." Thank god the scene ends so that we don't have to hear about the clown act yet another time.
Di's out at the water fountain. John tiptoes down the stairs and sees her, face in the stream, eyes wet. He whispers, "Are you all right?" Di straightens up, teary, and says yeah. "Thanks, John." She pushes open the bathroom door to be alone. John watches her go, then -- sniff! Oh! -- chokes up himself and has to use Di's water fountain trick. He straightens up again and -- ahoo! Whimper! -- it's so sad he has to go down a second time. Thar he blooows!
It's night. They show us the exterior of an Irish bar that isn't Paddy O'Furniture's. Inside, Denby is drinking and rattling on like any fucked-in-the-head person does. Di has her head thrown back and her eyes slitted into narrow slots, staring at him. "Life gets more tawdry, more dangerous..." Dude, I am so not transcribing this. He says sex is still of interest but that he shoots blanks now. Now I'm paying attention. "We can't say life gets less interesting..." Di interrupts, "Coke, huh, Denby. You have a romance with coke now? You stopped caring about if the job finds out?" He starts blabbing incoherently/philosophically some more until Di punctuates his babble with a slap in his face. Yay! She asks rhetorically, "What are you doing, Denby?" Other than annoying everyone by being a drunken ass? And covering shit up? Not much. "Before you struck me...blah blah moral entropy, blah blah run away with me to an exotic locale." Di asks if he's come into money. "I have had a vision that I am destined to win the lottery." Di says yeah, "That's how those cartel guys got rich." Denby goes on some more about running away with Di, "...let's let out livers get fat and scarred on the Falkland Islands, or anywhere of your choice...." The scary keyboard music starts up and Di says, "Denby, if you hurt anyone I care about I'll put a bullet in that brain you've wasted." Denby seems to like this and says, "Please, let's not lose decorum at this late juncture. Like people we've both known, let's not lose our heads." Di shoots this: "Who was that guy in the dumpster that lost his head?" Denby, clearly enjoying himself, says, "There are so many doubts in life. Isn't that the one thing we were sure of?" Di gives up a little and says, "I'd really like to drink. I'd really like to be drunk right now so I could kill you." Denby practically drools in anticipation and pushes his glass toward her. "I'd really like to see you drink, Diane. I'll roll those dice." Di's lips pull downward and she looks a little broken. Don't, Di! Don't let the Don and Denby debacle drive you to drink! She pulls her self together and looks right in Denby's stupid face and says, "I'll kill you. Look in my eyes and see if I'm kidding." Denby can only look in her eyes for a fraction of a second, and looks all around the bar before he can answer her. "Do you really think I'd care?" Di pushes his glass back and leaves. The scary music gets louder. Cliffhanger, woo!