Warning: Adult language and a very, very brief glimpse of Baldwin's ass. Will it be worth the wait? You decide. It's at the very end of the episode. Just wait for it. Or rush right to the last paragraph. Either one.
Previously on NYPD Blue, Baldwin meets Nicole, the determined hussy -- I mean reporter -- staking out Pete McGreeney's house. Later, she clumsily attempts to seduce him, saying, "Would it be easier to get you into bed if I told you I was a sister?" You mean, lie? Sure, tell him you're gorgeous and talented too, maybe that'll work.
Boom boom go the drums, flap flap go the gritty gritty pigeons, and we land in the weight room in the station house. There's Baldwin pumping…um, iron. In sashays stupid Nicole. "I should have known you were telling the truth about working out before your shift starts. And here I am just getting home." Ugh, you smell. She sits to him on the weight bench and they don't look at each other. "Someone does me a favor, and I'm not comfortable unless I go to bed with them." Well, then that makes you a slut, right? Or at the very least, slutty. Baldwin's not interested in not-nice girls. Now leave. Baldwin makes a shocked-face and says, "It's nice to know there are still grateful journalists out there." Yeah, yeah. The Pete McGreeney story was the biggest in Nicole's career, and she's grateful, AND she wants to do Baldwin. "You're offering me thank-you sex after you've been out all night working on a story, more or less?" SAY NO, Baldwin. Here on the boards there are plenty of people willing to do you just for being YOU. Stupid Nicole says, "I told you I was a sister to make you happy - do you want me to tell you I'm a virgin too?" I hate Nicole. Baldwin's beeper goes off and Nicole starts singing the theme song to Saved By The Bell. Loser. Baldwin says, "Wanna hear something weird? I LIKE YOU." Oh, no, no, NO! You can't, you mustn't! Don't get naked with this skeezer! He offers to call her and get dinner and Nicole closes her legs and sits up, muttering, "That's one way to go about it. Cool." Baldwin says, "Bet." She moves to touch him but he gets up and she only touches air. Let's hope the scene-with-nudity goes the same way. As Baldwin walks out of the weight room Nicole yells, "Do you thank God every day for the way you look?" What a terrible line. May I suggest a few? How about, "Are those space pants you're wearing? Because your ass looks out of this world." There's also, "Are you as beautiful as you look?" A stumper, because it's about INNER beauty, see? Makes you think. Baldwin says in retort, "I thank Him everyday I wake up." Yeah, you godless hussy! I hate Nicole.
Whoosh! Bloosh! Hold on, Baldwin's naked ass is coming!
A dead lady is lying in the gritty, gritty alleyway, surrounded by trash bags and cops. The Blue cops squat around the dead lady and describe the details: Semen on her face and hair, panties duct-taped around her ankles. She was a dump job, but still alive when brought to the alley. Sip growls, "That prick." He means the rapist/killer.
Station house. A classy-looking older man walks in and addresses John. "'Ello." Hey! He's ENGLISH! Or should I say "Oi!" A retired, "off-the-job" policeman, Jimmy Cheedam. Apparently, the DOA in the alley is very similar to a murder in the 25th Precinct that happened on April 19th, and Cheedam is on the case. Sip and Ricky come in and say, "How's it going." Cheedam replies, "Ow's it going." They're gonna get along great. Sip's like, "Where you from, England?" Jimmy perks up, "London, right." Okay, we get it, he's English. He also knows the duct-tape-panty-rapist-killer, get to that. Cheedam thinks the killer will strike again; three victims is his pattern, "the twisted sod. Then he rests. He's already killed six in London and three in Manchester." The killer's name is Andrew Conover, and Cheedam followed him over here to the states. The cop Cheedam talked with in the 25th, Lou Simpkins, "Gave me a rub-up and sent me on my way." Sip translates for Ricky: "Hand job." Cheedam also knows Conover is working as an embalmer. Creepy! Then Sip, master of subtlety, offers Cheedam some tea. Cheedam, my new best friend, says, "Must I?" Hee. Sip says no, then adds inexplicably, "My partner drank tea. He passed away last year. Earl Gray." Cheedam just looks at him. "That was the brand." Quick, what's Cockney for "Duh?"
Ricky and Sip are peeing side by side...in the bathroom, of course. Ally runs in and yells at them for daring to say she looks too thin. Boy, this show is gritty. They agree that Cheedam is "a nice enough guy," and that "He feels the DOAs are on him."
After washing up, they cone out into the office. Di is riffling through Ricky's desk. Oh, hey, hi, how's it going. Have you met Jimmy Cheedam? Oh yeah, he seems nice. English, right? "He's lying down upstairs." Is that supposed to be some reference to Upstairs, Downstairs? I know it isn't. Sip bites his knuckle when he hears Cheedam is -- gasp! -- lying down! Do think we're supposed to care about this guy? Oh, and Di looked through Ricky's notebook and saw the name Robert Zisk -- what's up with that? Um, he's the mortician that hired the rapist-murder, Conover. Di "collared him for dickie-waving." Sip suggests Di interview him, "since he showed her his joint," and runs off to go check on good-old-Jimmy Cheedam. Ricky hopes Di's "rummaging in (his) notebook was an isolated incident." Suuuure, it was.
Jimmy's upstairs, resting, if resting means looking ill and uncomfortable. Sip knocks and enters. "Ow's it going, I can't nap, if I do I'll never adjust to the time change." Oh, and he has a female friend visiting that's volunteered to help entrap Conover. Since she's not a cop she can do things outside of and above the law. Cool! Sip offers aspirin, Cheedam says he has ibuprofen. "And Andy -- keep it to yourself." Sip closes the door and the sad keyboards start up. Again, do you think we're supposed to have sympathy for Jimmy Cheedam?
Di and Kirky are interviewing Zisk. He's English too. Did he hire a new embalmer. Oh no. Oh wait, yes he did. Whoops. Name of Jimmy Cheedam, the jerk. And yes, they can set up surveillance stuff in his morgue. No problem. And no, he doesn't know anything about any murders or rapes, oh noo.
Ricky and Sip talk about Jimmy some more. "He's all right, that Jimmy?" "He's probably got time change." "Throws your rhythms out of whack." "It could be the middle of the night over there." Then they take sledgehammers out of their desks and hit me over the head until I really, really start to like Jimmy. Ow, okay, I like him!
Medavoy and Baldwin are hanging out in the coffee room, like cows chewing cud. Baldwin tells Greg how Nicole came by after being out all night (in effect, a booty call), and Greg says, "Yeah, huh. She could be the party type." Baldwin, gentleman, says, "Oh, is that right?" Greg backs down faster then a baby crawling on a glass partition and says, "superficial first impression."
Sip's talking to Ricky, who just got off the phone with the hand-job cop. "Did Lou give you attitude? When's he coming over?" Sip can't wait to ruin his day. Di comes in and says, "That twitch ID-ed Conover, using the cop's name." Sip growls, "Arrogant murdering prick." Enter Alice Kenyan, Jimmy's former "partner," ahem. She's a pretty, black Englishwoman. She gets introduced all around by Sip, to Di ("This is a female American detective"), and to John (!), the civilian aid, with Sip ahem-ing all over the place. He further explains that since Alice is here privately, they can get around those "pain-in-the-balls entrapment statutes that apply" as they try to entrap Conover. That's convenient. Sip drags her into the coffee room to get tea, which the lack of makes all English people shrivel up and blow away, and -- "oh, God," -- there's Baldwin and Medavoy, chillin'. Oh no! Those uncouth louts! Sip gingerly introduces them to Alice and adds, "We got our tea in bags there. You're welcome. Jimmy's upstairs resting." Alice asks, "Is he resting comfortably?" She then says that, back in England when she tried to help arrest Conover (and failed) she wore a wire. Not this time though. Gee, Alice is brave. Baldwin offers to go check on Jimmy and Sip says about a hundred times to knock first, and the camera waves over to his fist knocking on a cabinet to demonstrate exactly what kind of knock it is to administer. Baldwin gives him a look and says okay. Alice follows him. When they are alone, Medavoy asks Sip why in hell he told Baldwin to knock. Sip goes, "Where are these people from?" Oh my god. ENGLAND. Sip says, "All right. That's what I'm saying." Because in England, if you don't knock, they take away all your tea and biscuits and behead you.
Sip goes out to the office and gets this from John: "Lou Simpkins is parking his car." Sip starts to sweat and freak out some more, saying, "Whatever they get at the UN, they are underpaid." Because Sip feels like a diplomat, see?
Baldwin and Alice are walking up stairs to see Jimmy. Alice wins points instantly by asking, "Do you know the American writer James Baldwin?" Know him? Baldwin blushes, kicks at the dirt and says, "I was named for him actually." They don't get to knock because Jimmy meets them on the stairs. "Ow's it going, Baldwin." And, below them, in comes Lou Simpkins. This is some kind of an Upstairs, Downstairs thing. "'E gave me the rub-off...I want to see this." Alice discreetly touches the side of her head and Jimmy smoothes his rumpled, napped-on hair before heading downstairs. Alice and Baldwin watch him go.
Fancy's office. Lou Simpkins sounds a bit like Chief Wiggum on The Simpsons, but more hard-boiled -- not as much as Jimmy Cagney though. He even says, "Hello, boys." It's an homage. "So you think we're dealing with the same guy?" Jimmy stays in the doorway until Sip invites him in. Lou says how's it going, Jimmy 'ow's it going back. Lou, thick as a brick, continues. "You think the perp's English? Oh, you're the guy that tipped me off. I ran the name Andrew Conover, nothing came up." Yeah, the killer's using a fake name, genius. I can see why that hadn't occurred to you. "Oh, he's an embalmer? That would have been nice to hear." Sip says, "Nice enough so you'd ask for it?" "Oh, so I'm gonna end up holding the bag for this?" Sure are, Lou. "So you wanna work the case together, share info?" Sip crosses his arms. Fancy stares daggers. Sip leaves the room, Jimmy follows, and Lou trails in third. Lou is trying to save face. "Jimmy, I hear embalmer and I'm all over it." Sure you are, Lou. Jimmy says, "My mistake, Lou." He's the only one that remembers a woman died because the cops were lazy. Lou gets in Jimmy's face, "Am I getting attitude from you now?" No, but you should. Sip is in full-on owl mode, glaring so hard I'm scared. Lou makes the mistake of asking, "What are YOU looking at, Sipowicz?" Oh, boy. "Nothing." "Is that supposed to mean I'm nothing?" Sip, on the high road for maybe the first time in his life, says, "Nah. Just someone who can't admit when he made a mistake." Yeah, someone died, remember? Lou, lover of trouble, says, "I'd have to make as many as you to get the hang of it." Sip wonders if Lou has a "bottle hid" somewhere, and if that may be why he's so "pissed off and sensitive at present." Lou yells, "This coming from one of the known fall-down drunks on the job, Jimmy." Sip asks, "Who'd know better?" Ricky suggests they not work together "hands-on" and that Lou go wait by the phone. "I wanna be apprised -- and I don't want any rumors circulating about me and booze!" Exit Lou. Ricky says, "I didn't mean to jump your play," and Sip blows it off, saying, "Nah -- I'm getting to that age," and WINKS at Jimmy. How long can Sip keep this nice-guy bullshit up? Place your bets. I think he's gonna blow!
Alice and Baldwin are in the pokey. He's worried about her because she won't wear a wire and instead will just have a tape recorder in her purse. Baldwin asks, "Is he the type to give your purse a toss?" She says, "'Toss' having a different meaning here?" He meant look through, hee. She still won't wear a wire. "I'm brimming with confidence in your surveillance techniques." Then, "He's my favorite writer, James Baldwin." Baldwin giggles and blushes some more.
It's night, on the gritty gritty streets of NYC. Actually, it looks like the set of Friends. Is that Central Perk? Sip, Ricky, Medavoy and Jimmy are crammed in a van. Alice gets out of a cab and pretends to wait for another bus. She's wearing black high heels and a red dress, yowsa. Perfect Andrew Conover bait. A creepy guy cruises up to Alice and asks, "Are you from London?" He's a Brit too. She recognizes him. "Your hair's grown longer...Andrew. Drewy!" "And you're Alice, the girl that got shy. I was inappropriate in the park. You've got lovely breasts - that's all I can say in apology." Oh my god, creepy. Cut to the van where the guys are listening intently. Alice says, "Apology and compliment accepted." They blab about living in the US and that they're doing. Andrew says he's an embalmer. "Can I take you to where I work? It's also where I live. Tomorrow night?" Alice isn't sure. "I'm more spur-of-the-moment. Tomorrow I'll be frightened!" Andrew, creepy to the core, says, "Being a little frightened is exciting." Word! But yikes. Alice flirts and they plan to meet in the same spot tomorrow. Andrew says he believes in fate now, and Alice retorts that it may have more to do with "140-pound air fares." "Clever girl." Medavoy says, "You got that right, asshole." All the Blue cops agree she did a good job.
Keyboards. Station house. Fancy's office. Sip talks about the stakeout in the morgue. "He's got some routine. He's going around like there's a ritual he does." Fancy asks how Jimmy held up. Sip's like, what do you mean. "He's an old guy, Andy." Sip says Jimmy was "normally tired." Whatever.
Baldwin's on the phone with Stupid Nicole. BREAK UP WITH HER NOW. "Asking me fifty times what I'm working on is not my idea of conversation, Nicole!" Break up with her. In walks Alice. Baldwin says -- say it with him, people -- "ANYWAYS." Alice goes to make tea and Baldwin follows her into the coffee room. He assures her, "No one's gonna get hurt before we move on this prick. Excuse my language." Alice is cool.
Sip tells Ricky Jimmy isn't feeling so good. "He asked me not to say nothing." Blabbermouth. Put it on the Internet, why don't you? In walks Jimmy. Morning, 'Ow's it going. Alice comes in and says fondly, "Hello young man."
Surveillance van. Medavoy says to Baldwin, "She has a very protective impulse towards Jimmy, notice that?" Baldwin ignores him, or, shut up Medavoy. Andrew Conover is showing Alice the morgue. Ugh, eww. She asks, "Am I your first?" Oh, EW. Andrew, giant creep, says, "I'm going to kiss you now," and does. Then, "I've got one here now." A corpse, he means. Then, "Aren't you going to ask for some money? A hundred? Dollars, not quid. I've got two hundred. There's some special things I want to do." Alice says casually, "Don't talk to me like I'm a prostitute." Andrew flips out and grabs her face. "Hypocrite whore! I know who you are!" He starts to choke her. Jimmy says into her earpiece, "Get him to say he murdered them!" Alice says, "Did you kill them?" Andrew says, "Yes, Alice." In rush Ricky and Sip, then Baldwin and Medavoy, guns drawn and everything. They get Andrew off Alice and she's okay. "Where's Jimmy?" He comes in, all cool, just like Stephen Soderburgh's The Lymie and says, "Hello, Drewy. Now we're all gonna have a nice, long chat."
Station house bathroom. Sip is watching Jimmy wash his hands. Sip loves Jimmy. Ricky comes in and says "Some job, Jimmy." Jimmy says, "Thanks very much." Jimmy did a good job. He leaves and Ricky says, "I'd confess to get that stare off me." So Jimmy got Andrew to confess. Ricky and Sip talk about how great Jimmy's interview technique is. Jimmy is great at everything. Jimmy should write a book.
Lou comes in. "Congrats on collaring up. I was remiss, all right, hindsight, I was remiss. I'll tell it to the English guy, okay, and don't put it in your fives. And Sipowicz, I can admit I have a problem, will that get you off my back?" Sip says, "It's not me on there." Lou says, "Well that is that thing? Get it off! Get it oooooff!" Kidding. Ricky says - wait for it - "ANYWAYS, we'll see." Lou barks out, "Yeah, sure. Tell this English guy I made the circuit on my knees." Sip hollers, "The English guy's name is Jimmy Cheedam!" And don't you forget it, because he'll be back season! Just you wait! Until December!
Jimmy's in the coffee room, holding a mug someone gave him as a gift. Ricky and Sip come in like gangbusters. "That Lou Simpkins could take some serious rip for rubbing you up. Us dropping it from our files depends on your attitude, otherwise it looks like we're suppressing evidence." They wait, practically drooling. Jimmy, gentleman 'til the end, just says, "Well, I didn't get into this line to rat out other cops." Isn't he the GREATEST! What a guy. Sip, not to be outdone by a stupid coffee mug, opens his desk and takes out some pins and other tchochkes. "This is the big apple...here are some courtesy playing cards, you get one free murder with one of them...this is a toy police car I was going to bring home to my boy." Jimmy makes no move to take the car from Sip, and just says, "I bet he'd like that." Yes, kids do like toys.
Baldwin's on the phone. "As far as missing dinner last night, I'm past begging with my legs up in the air like a dog..." -- Nicole, take the clue bus, that means you -- "...you'll have to take it up with my boss." He hears the door and quietly puts the phone down and tiptoes out.
Jimmy shows Sip some teeny tiny pin. "At 'ome, we gives the blokes these when they retire." Sip goes through his pockets and whips out something equally tiny. No, not that. "This is a dinosaur pin, you get it after twenty-five years on the job." Hee hee, Sip's a dinosaur. Sip then gives Jimmy two kinds of NYPD hats and a sweatshirt. "Water-repellent." Now Jimmy has a bag full of stuff. Awww. We all love him so much now, it sucks to see him leave! And with Kirky leaving, there's going to be a hole in the office! Whatever shall we do?
Baldwin's STILL on the phone with Nicole. "That's right, in the tradition of our national past-time I'd like you to ask me to have one last swing. Thanks." You're outta there!
Alice comes out to see Baldwin hovering. "Are you standing watch? I'm going to send you my marked-up study copy of Go Tell it on the Mountain." Baldwin flushes with pleasure. "It was an honor to see you work with Jimmy." Alice looks into the office and watches Jimmy go through all his NYPD loot and says, "I love him. Isn't that good luck?" Baldwin's face goes blank. Dang.
It's nighttime. Baldwin and Stupid Nicole are having dinner, sitting side by side, not looking at each other, eating out of white Chinese food takeout containers. It looks like a bad date, in which no nudity should occur. But we all saw the warning, so just wait for it. Stupid Nicole, following in her oh-so-charming tradition of judging Baldwin without really knowing him, says, "I figured you for the diet type." Baldwin says no. She snaps, "Thanks for guiding the conversation," and Baldwin points out, "No one's guiding the conversation." She gets up and clears her takeout carton, saying, "Okay Baldwin, your play." Oh, I hate Nicole. Baldwin takes her hand and...is he going to start hitting her with her own hand, and ask "Why are you hitting yourself, Stupid Nicole? Why are you hitting yourself?" No, he doesn't. Life is so unfair. He TAKES HER HAND and says, "I don't play, Nicole." Then he picks her up in his arms -- to throw her out of his apartment? NO! He carries her into the bedroom. Then he puts her down and -- oh, I can barely watch this -- kisses her tenderly. She does not deserve this. The Twin Peaks-y keyboards start up and the Log Lady comes out with a log to beat Stupid Nicole away. Or, I wish she did. Nicole (bitch!) untucks Baldwin's shirt and we get a great shot of a shirtless Baldwin. Just hold your hand up to cover the part of the screen with Nicole in it. Then Baldwin takes off Nicole's dress, we see a black bra and thong, and Nicole's ass, and who cares. Baldwin lowers Stupid Nicole to the bed and -- hurry, she's prone, run away, run away! Nope, he GETS ON TOP OF HER. Oh god, this isn't going the way I wanted it to at all. He kisses her stupid head, her stupid nose, and her stupid lips. Bile rises in the throats of millions of viewers. The camera glides up Baldwin's delicious naked back and we see him hold Stupid Nicole's stupid wrists down. Then, a word picture: Nicole's leg Nicole's leg Nicole's leg BALDWIN'S NAKED ASS! I want a Baldwin's naked ass do-over, WITHOUT NICOLE this time. BEFORE the season ends. My will be done. Thank you.