Yay! Hooray! The disclaimer features adult language and partial nudity! Oh please let it be the new guy! Please please please! Lord, if the nudity features Baldwin, make no sign. Thy will be done. Yay!
Last time on Blue, the new guy Baldwin Jones arrived, even though Fancy was not alerted to his impending arrival before it happened. A simple telephone call would have worked, but noooo. Baldwin and Greg Medavoy hit it off just fine, and Baldwin said, "I appreciate you extending yourself to me." So sweet! And Mary wouldn't eat the lasagna she made for Ricky because she's too nervous. Ricky says that's silly of her. I think it's just weird. Eat, why don't you, your collarbones are sticking out like knives!
After a wicked keyboard solo (I should say "wykked!") we arrive at Ricky's apartment where he's having a nightmare. He says over and over again, "Stay away!" Mary's asleep right to him in bed, but that's not the reason he's having a nightmare. He finally wakes up, tosses off Mary's Extended Arm of Concern and she goes, "All right!" Excuse you, missy! Don't you touch him! Ricky sits on the edge of the bed and collects himself: "Brother. Sorry, Mary." Not me, Mary. Ricky was having a nightmare about a scary fire, where he had to rescue his sisters: "You know who didn't help at all?" Mary puts on her Dr. Freud Beard & Mustache Set to listen. Ding ding ding! It was his MOTHER. Mary takes off the beard and says, "It was just a dream." How insightful, not. Ricky goes, "Anyways, good morning." Mary says she's off work today and was thinking of trying her "gnocchi extravaganza." Mmm, I wish I dated someone that cooked. And Mary doesn't even eat! More for me! Ricky says, "Here?" Like, use your own kitchen, Betty Crockerino! Mary makes a face and says, "Not necessarily...you don't really have the facilities." Mary so wants to move in. Then, grumping out, Mary asks, "Why are you so angry at me for? I didn't make you have a bad dream." Ricky says he's sorry and leaves her to her snit fit. Jeez, Ricky, you could use a more patient, mature woman...like maybe Diane?
Woosh! Bloosh! The subway rushes toward us, and the roar of its engine becomes lost in the pounding drums that are the very heartbeat of New York City! Boom boom boom! Theme song! Go keyboards!
Some weird vocals join the keyboards and we land at a crime scene just as the drums stop pounding. Boy, New York is loud and has dramatic music. Kirky and Di roll up to a stopped bus and a crowd of people. A uniformed cop explains to them that there's a DOA under the bus. Wow, a DOA! That's a new one, not. Di goes and takes a look and is totally grossed out, joining the club of which I'm a member. "She's really mangled under there." GROSS. She and Di go to quiz the poor bus driver, who says, "I hit a cat once and it took me a year to get over THAT." Poor guy. He also says he saw someone throw the woman from a van right under the wheels of his bus: "Face first, like he was aiming." He didn't get a license plate number because he "didn't think that quick." Bummer. As Di and Kirky split, the uniformed cop hands over a necklace found at the scene, with some Latin phrase on it? Maybe it was a saint's medal? I couldn't see; my TV is really small. Sorry.
Back at the precinct, a blonde lady comes in and asks John to speak with a "detocktiv." She has a Russian accent, so could you read all of her dialogue with one? Thanks. While you're at it, would you put your hands in the air and wave them all around like you just don't care? Just do it, you'll feel better. Now take a deep breath and hold it. Hold it. Now slowly let it out. Isn't that refreshing? Anyway, the yummy Baldwin comes over to speak with the lady and she takes a look at him and says, "Ees dere another vone?" Ah, a bigot, perhaps? She goes on to explain that her children have been missing for three days and her husband, also with a Russian accent, pooh-poohs her and says the kids are with his sister. Then Baldwin suggests that perhaps they should speak with Sip and they say that would be preferable. Oh boy, these people do not know Sip, now, do they? And do their eyes work? Baldwin is HOT. And Sip is so not. Anyway, as Baldwin leads Meester Zhivago to Sip he pats the Russkie on the shoulder. The Russkie flinches a leetle at Baldwin's touch. Creep.
In the coffee room, Sip, Ricky, Baldwin and the Zhivagos hunker down. "Our boys are four and seven, too young to be avay!" says Meesees Zhivago. The night Meester Zhivago took the boys to be with his "seester," the Zhivagos had had a fight. The Meester says, "Tell! It is too stupid for me to say." The wife had eaten a shrimp off her son's plate and the couple buys food separately. Okay, who was thinking, "plate of shrimp"? "The food doesn't belong to her!" yells the husband. "Eet vasn't hers to take! So she goes into the bedroom for more kadeen." The Blue cops all look at each other until Baldwin asks, "What's kadeen?" The Ruskie goes nuts, yelling, "You don't know what kadeen is? You've never heard of kadeen? It's an expensive medicine. Painkillers." A giant lightbulb goes off Sip's head and he says, "Codeine." The Ruskie says, "Yes. Cangreetulations." The wife finds her voice and says, "Eef you have teken them back to Russia I vill haate yooou." Oh my God, why aren't these two out to get that Moose and Squirrel? Maybe their "boys" ARE a moose and a squirrel! Wow, that would be weird for Blue, but I think the audience can accept it. I know I'm ready. The husband, who I will now call Boris, pronounces this "a vaste of a morning," and makes to leave. The wife (Natasha, of course) says she will bring in photos from the living room for the cops to see. Boris mocks her, and they go.
As Boris and Natasha leave the station house, Greg comes in with these very Vanilla "Cold As" Ice sunglasses on. I'll try to describe them further; you know when someone thinks they look really cool and people are staring at them, not because they look cool but because they look like an idiot? Wait, I'll try again. They look like BA HA HA HA HA!! Sorry. Boris bugs out at the sight of DJ Kool Greg ("You take me to a crazy place") and so does everyone else. Sip and Ricky are half looking away and Baldwin is just struck dumb. Ricky asks what the hell is up with those glasses and Sip tells him, "TAKE OFF THEM GLASSES." Greg has some eye refraction and has to keep the glasses on for a while because he got special eyedrops put in. This is called comedy, people. Baldwin suggests Sip interview Boris's sister because Boris was a bigot, and Sip growls first to Baldwin then to Greg, "Don't make assumptions. Do not talk to anyone outside this building with those glasses on." Greg says he has twenty more minutes with the sunglasses and leaves with Baldwin, shooting a look at John, who for ONCE does not get a reaction shot to play with. Hello, I'd like to report a robbery! John the PA has lost his reaction shot! Sip glowers at Ricky, who looks like he's thinking of taking a paper clip but changes his mind.
After the ads (including the one for Fed Ex featuring the ballerina commando dudes, hee!), Di and Kirky head in to talk with Fancy. They've found the boyfriend of Edie the mangled-bus-girl, whose name is Lucas. He's currently "puking his guts out in the john," sick with stomach flu. I'm just going to stop writing "gross" at this point, but you know I'm thinking it. Di and Kirky haven't questioned him yet, so they have yet to see how he reacts to the news that his girlfriend's dead. Fancy asks if it looks like he tossed her under the bus, and Di is like, "This guy looks like he couldn't toss a bean bag." So much for not making assumptions, right?
Natasha returns with a photo of her boys (real-life boys, not a moose and squirrel) for Ricky and Sip. Ricky, all good-cop-y, is like, "That's real helpful." Aww. Then Natasha says that her husband's sister can't be hiding her sons because Natasha and she are homies: "We take walks, we drink tea." You know, Russian lady stuff. Then she says that her husband is a building manager but recently has been a "day trader...you know, internet stocks." Ding ding ding! I don't know about you, but I equate "day trader" with "insane person," and not just since that horrible shooting incident in Georgia. Oh, and Boris? Also "hears voices," and has been checked into Bellevue. Okay then! Nuts it is! Sip and Ricky rush off to find him because they know that if committed he can't go to trial, and they are in the arresting game, not the tell-me-about-your-voices game.
Di and Kirky head into the interrogation room where Lucas is looking rather green. Di says generously, "Sorry you're feeling so lousy." So thoughtful! Kirky says they have "unhappy news" for him. Lucas, all innocently, says, "She didn't make it? She got killed in that bus accident? Oh my God..." The unconvincing waterworks start up as he continues moaning, "She was the sweetest person!" Di and Kirky un-roll their eyes from the backs of their heads and start asking questions. Was he out this morning? No, he was sick with the flu. Did anyone have a reason to want to harm Edie? "People LOVED Edie," Lucas cries. Can Lucas drive a van, or does he know anyone that drives a van? "I don't get these questions." It looks like there's a LOT you don't get, Lucas. But anyway...Di and Kirky have to "go talk to [their] boss" before they let him go, and Lucas seems very upset about this: "I'm sick and dehydrated!" Di says, "You know what's good for that? Push fluids." Kirky sets a garbage can by him and they leave him to twist in the wind.
Out in the hall, Fancy relays the results of the toxicology report. Edie was killed BEFORE she was tossed under the bus, either by a massive amount of heroin (found in her bloodstream) or by the gutting given her. Hee-Haw! Edie was a drug mule! Now Lucas' little virus takes on a new light.
Di and Kirky stride back in there. Kirky grabs the garbage can back, asking if he used it. Di starts with, "Do you know what a mule is, Lucas?" Um, are they just plain stupid with a stubborn streak, like in the song? No, the nice cop means DRUG MULE. "Oh my God!" exclaims Lucas. Are you surprised that he's surprised? Kirky asks incredulously, "Are you trying to tell us that you didn't know your girlfriend was out of the country?" Lucas, who couldn't be digging himself any deeper than if he had a backhoe, asks, "Well, how long would she be gone for? Twenty-four hours? I'm sick, I have to leave!" Yeah, right. Di and Kirky get the Blue Cop lackey du jour, Lou, to fetch a basin and keep bodily fluid watch. When Lou protests, Di says, "You wanna catch him barehanded?" Oh, I hate scatological humor.
Over at the hospital, Sip and Ricky arrive panting and gasping, just in time to convince Boris's doctor to let them talk to him about his two missing boys before she commits him to the loony bin. The doctor decides to postpone treatment, even though Boris is seeing and hearing things, and Ricky and Sip drag Boris away. He's totally gone, though. NUTS.
Cut to Lucas being dragged down the hall to the bathroom, with dope-filled condoms dropping from the cuffs of his jeans. Lou and Hank, on other-duty, ask John to stand guard on the hall full of heroin balloons. John looks properly horrified and grossed-out. If I had a reaction shot I'd do it the same way.
So, Lucas is in the john, doing the poop thing, with lovely sounds to illustrate, and Di comes in with a smug look on her face, like she just KNEW Lucas was a mule too. Lucas is like, "Could they bust inside me?" Di's like, "You wouldn't be so chatty if they had busted." Then all three cops do once-twice-three-SHOOT for poop-sorting duty. Lou loses, and Hank is like, "One small win for the black man." Di's like, "Give a name," and Lucas gives up someone named Rico. Rico paid Edie and Lucas $5000 each to make drug runs. That's a lot of cash! I bet real drug mules get paid lots less. Like, in drugs or something. Lucas continues with the truth-telling: "Edie looked bad in the van coming back from the airport. She died, like, so fast?" So who cut her open, and threw her under the bus, Lucas? "My eyes were closed, with sickness and with sadness for Edie!" So, if Rico was cutting her open, who was driving the van? Lucas is like, "Uh oh." Retard. Lou hands over a poop-'n'-drug-filled basin to Hank, who takes it to the sink muttering, "They only let you THINK you win." Sing it, brother.
Now Ricky and Sip are dragging Boris up the precinct. Boris, still nuttier than a fruitcake, is yelling, "Voices screaming! Can you hear that roar like Niagara Falls!" Uh, no, that's all you, Boris. Sip and Ricky lock him up in the pokey.
Out on the office, Fancy reports that Greg and Baldwin have got a tenant with info about Boris. She's totally flirting with Baldwin, saying he "could be a male model." Good eye, honey, now can we get down to business here? (I'm just jealous.) It seems she had come home one day and found Boris SHOWERING in her bathroom, talking about "all the blood." Then she says she "wouldn't be surprised if he was touching himself." Sip rolls his eyes about a mile and even Baldwin has to look askance at this. Sip totally yells at her for mot reporting this weirdness and she says if she reported every weird thing Boris had done since she moved in she "wouldn't be able to hold down a full-time job." You tell him, lady! Sip's like, "We gotta go at this guy," and he leaves with Ricky, muttering, "touching himself." The lady grumps about Sip's bad attitude and then asks if Baldwin needs her address. Greg says they've got it, and his eyes hurt. He puts the wack sunglasses back on and Baldwin looks like he wishes the ground would open up to swallow Greg whole and take him back to Nerd World.
Back in the pokey, Boris is having a fight with his voices ("Son uv a beach ME! Son uv a beach YOU!") and Ricky slams him up against the wired wall. "Playtime's over!" Sip adds, "Where are the boys, you twitchy geek?!" Boris whines, "Don't you vish I knew? Blooood....My bloood is my own business! The building is blind! I prevent that to hear your domination! Screw you! Die you black devils!" Ricky throws him on the floor and he and Sip leave.
Back in the office, they tell Fancy that, in "wack language," they think Boris has the boys hidden somewhere in the building he manages. Then Sip thinks Baldwin should have a crack at Boris. Ricky adds the bizarre rants about "black devils and domination." Baldwin asks, "Should I go at him in my tribal gear?" Hee. Just get your shirt off and get in there! Greg comes out and says, "I might not be much asset in there," and toddles off to the eye doctor. Baldwin asks Fancy, "you want me to go in there?" Fancy fixes Baldwin with his most authoritative stare and asks, "You got any tribal gear?" Baldwin smiles at his boss (aww!) and looks like he's wondering if Fancy's seeing anyone. I think it's loooove.
In Baldwin goes to rattle Boris's cage. After a few moments of silent glowering from Baldwin, Boris bursts out, "Don't you speek English yet!? Didn't you learn!?" Baldwin slowly advances towards him and straddles a chair. "Don't theenk I'm frightened by your devil eyes! I don't see you! I don't hear you!" Baldwin waits until Boris is totally trembling and then says, all Darth Vader-y, "Give them to me. [long pause] Give them to me and I'll stop the screaming." Boris says, "Dead. Dead! I told yooou!" Baldwin's expression changes slightly to one of sadness mingled with a little triumph and he says, "Give them to me dead. Tell me where they are." Boris whimpers and cries, "So you don't have power to know," and then goes totally fetal on the floor.
Cut to a basement where a Russian maintenance guy is leading Ricky and Sip somewhere. All three of them comment on a strong, nasty smell, like bleach. I thank God once again that I don't have Smell-o-Vision. He's describing finding Boris here, acting nuts (surprise) right around when his boys went missing. The maintenance guy describes finding Boris sitting there, "toying with a knife. Like this," and then the camera waves down to show him making a figure eight. Creepy! The nasty smell gets stronger near a cubbyhole. Then Ricky climbs up to peek inside the cubbyhole and sees dusty little boots, attached to little legs. "Oh no, Andy." Sip says, "Oh God."
Di and Kirky are facing off with an oily, black t-shirt and Armani-jacketed man. Rico? Suave. Kirky, making fun of his smoooth confidence, says, "Check out Rico's body language. What if Luke's girlfriend was still alive when he gutted her? Then you'd be looking at a murder collar." Rico must have watched a lot of cops shows on TV, because he's cool as ice when he says, "I don't find that credible. If I was there, the lady had already passed away." Di's like, "Ooh, 'the lady.'" Smirking their faces off, Kirky and Di tell Rico (Suave) that Lucas has already done a full flip on him, but since Rico is "such a stand-up guy," he won't flip on Lucas. Di snarkily says, "Rico wants to be looking at his Ricky Martin poster in slam." Di will wear you out! Living la vida loca, come on! Rico says, "Is that a racial put-down? Let me say something racial about Edie and Lucas. They're white, they look good. When you tell them they could make $5000, their eyes light up, 'Honey, did you hear that? We could move and get a big house in Vermont!' Two white chumps -- clueless." Wise words, Rico, but I think the real white chumps are the people that believe drug mules make $5000 per trip. And anyway, is $5000 worth O.D.-ing, and being gutted and tossed under a bus? Uh, NO. Rico then says gutting someone means he's "an adult" who knew what had to be done. Kirky asks what adult would then toss a corpse under a bus, and Rico's like, Aha! "You said corpse!" Then Di's like, Aha! All that heroin makes for a felony and about fifteen years in prison! Rico says, "I withdraw everything I just said." Di goes, "Ever try squeezing the toothpaste back into the tube?" Then she and Kirky smirk out on Rico (Suave). So, what size Ricky Martin poster would you like? Bon or Bon-Bon?
Meanwhile Baldwin is typing up his report on Boris's confession and Greg runs over to add that he personally heard everything. Baldwin is all like, Say what? Then Sip and Ricky run over to add that they read Boris his rights on the way back from the hospital. Baldwin is like, Is he gonna remember that? Baldwin looks like he doesn't dig this lying thing but he'll go along with it, and makes to leave. Sip says, This is squad work, and Baldwin is like, "Did I say I had a problem with it? You wanna cut out reading my mind -- you're not that good at it." Sip says, "It's your case," and shuts up. After Baldwin is gone, Sip opens his mouth again and says, "I used to have a yellow laminated card, and when I'd collar up I'd shove it in the guy's face and say, 'You see this, prick!' Then I could testify I gave him his Miranda." Fancy says dryly, "Years ago, right?"
Natasha walks in and looks at Ricky, all quivery. The sad music starts up super-loud. Ricky just walks over to her and she hugs him and cries. The sad music must have tipped her off. John has a really nice reaction shot, in profile. Classy.
Baldwin is getting Boris's confession. He goes through the Miranda step by step. After each right, Baldwin asks if Boris understands, and Boris says "Yes," or "Yeees," or "Yes my friendly friend. And not vonce do the voices come." Baldwin makes Boris mark the report 12:15 PM, so that it matches with Sip and Ricky's report. Boris is totally nuts. Baldwin is bummed.
Baldwin walks back into the squad room and Sip says, "You're thinking Milton Berle at the Texaco Story Theater." Oh BOY, Sip is way out of the pop-culture loop. Baldwin and every viewer under the age of fifty goes, "What?" Sip says, "You're right, I'm not good at reading your mind." Ooh, Sip made a funny! Come here, you big lug! Mmm. Baldwin, still sulking, says he's going for a run. Sip says going running at thirty-five degrees means the building can hold more than one head case at a time. Zing! Forgive me for not actually slapping my knee! Then Sip mentions he noticed Baldwin might feel bad about....Baldwin says, "Lying?" Sip restates, "This is squad work," and Ricky adds, "We're working for the victims." We know! This isn't The Practice where things get all legal and constitution-y! Baldwin says, "I'm learning the ropes. I know you've got your doubts about us." Sip gets up and says, "You see that," and leaves. Greg asks, "He earn that from you?" Baldwin says, "I heard he earned it," and Ricky goes, "Not from you he didn't." Oh yeah, Sip's real sensitive, look out for his feelings! Fancy just says, "Good work," about Baldwin's report. Baldwin goes, "I made a new friend from Russia." Fancy says, "Was that the new friend you made?" Like, it sure wasn't Sip! Sip comes back and says good night to everyone but Baldwin, who finally thanks Sip for his help on the case. Sip tells him to think nothing of it, and Ricky takes a few paper clips. Storm moving in! Hurricane Sip!
Nighttime outside the precinct. Ricky's waiting outside. Di comes out and asks, "Waiting for Mary?" No, but he's meeting her later. "I don't know if I'm supposed to be with anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone." Di says, "You don't seem hurtful to me." Ricky says, "Anyways, goodnight, and KISSES DI ON THE CHEEK! Then Di KISSES HIM BACK!
Ricky's house. Mary comes in with a covered dish. It's her gnocchi extravaganza. He puts it on the counter and takes her shirt off. Okay, has everyone seen Mary's boob by now, from many different angles? Good, now put it away and give us some DIFFERENT nudity.