For some reason, this week ABC ran late, so I got no warning about language or nudity (dang) and the only "previously" shown bit was about Kirky tipping Don off about his imminent arrest. Boy, do I hate Don.
First thing we get hit with is a shot of three dead, naked, tattooed, bound-and-gagged men. Maybe this has something to do with the episode title -- hmm. A uniform tells Sip, "Twelve years on the job and I've never seen anything like this." There are four more corpses in the dining room. Ricky, Diane, and Kirkendall are all on the scene as well, looking perturbed, and for clues. The men are all twenty-one and under -- no clothes are in sight. There's a few sodas in the fridge, Di reports, and Sip notes that they all were shot in the head except for one lucky victim who had his throat slit. A gangland execution? Sip wonders. Nah, says Ricky: "Why would they strip them for a hit?" A gay sex club? wonders Sip: "They got kinks we never heard of." Really? So Sip the Giant Het never heard of getting tied up? Poor thing. Ricky pooh-poohs this idea too, rhetorically pointing out, "Does a gay guy get 'Raquel' tattooed on his arm? These guys were straight." Sip wonders, "Switch-hitter?" Oh my God, QUIT IT with the obsessive homophobia! Sip starts getting steamed, saying, "Make up your own theory," and Ricky says he doesn't have to -- they just arrived on the scene a minute ago. Sip grumps around some more and finally says, "Seven DOAs. It's gonna hit the fan now." I guess you could say you have seven bags of crap to hold! Seven naked bags of...oh, never mind.
Woosh bloosh, the credits! Pound those drums! Make me feel that synthesizer!
After some gangsta-synthesizers, we land at the precinct where Sip and the gang tell Fancy about the newest bag of crap that they have to hold. "Seven naked male Hispanic DOAs," says Sip. "Naked?" asks Fancy. "Buck naked," confirms Sip. Not to be confused with George Costanza's porn star name or the newest addition to the scuzz rock scene, Bif Naked. Sip just meant that the DOAs had no clothes on. Remember? When Fancy asks WHY they might have been naked, Sip lamely trots out his crackpot theory: "Possible nude sex cult aspect." No one has confidence in this theory, including Sip. Diane notes that there "wasn't a stitch of clothing in the place," and try as I might, I cannot think of a pun for this. Sorry. The apartment was rented to a Joe Rodriguez two months ago; he paid in cash. Fancy asks, "Was he clothed at the time?" Hee. Then, because he's the boss, he asks, "Any sign of drugs?" Yeah! Remember in the movie New Jack City when Chris Rock worked in the crack factory? All THOSE people were naked! And it wasn't pretty. Movies starring Judd Nelson so rarely are. Cabin on the Lake, I'm looking at you. So anyway, there was no sign of drugs -- just a broken-into padlocked closet -- and the windows were nailed shut. Ricky asks if they're "going to get the benefit of minds greater than our own" to help solve the case, and Fancy confirms that they will. "No talking to the media," Fancy says as the gang files out of his office. Sip mumbles, "Seven totally naked DOAs...possible nude sex cult tie-in...no news angle there." Ricky looks over his shoulder at Sip in a gesture that reads "quit yer yammering, you old coot." Agreed.
Woosh bloosh whizz, and we're over in Chinatown with Martinez and Medavoy. Guess what! It's another DOA. For a change. Medavoy gets all happy because there's a pretty paramedic on the scene with whom he's in looove. WOOOO! Sorry, forgot where I was. Martinez teases Medavoy, reminding him that he's clammed up every other time he's been around this pretty paramedic, and that he'll never get anywhere that way. Medavoy is all, watch me go! and starts peppering the pretty paramedic with questions about the DOA until she asks, "What are we, on Candid Camera?" They figure out that it wasn't a mugging, and that he didn't jump from the window. "So it was a dump job," says Medavoy, "a dump job, miss," but the pretty paramedic has gone poof! Martinez busts on Medavoy...well, he doesn't say anything, but he's thinking it. We all are.
Back at the precinct, Fancy is entertaining some people in his office. Sip is all straining his neck to get a look at them, and Ricky suggests that they are "the minds greater than our own," and that they'll help them locate a "man who walks upright." Sip gets pissed when he sees the Bald Profiler: "This is a specific asshole, believe you me." Fancy comes out to introduce them, and it's Guy Jarvis! Oh no! Bad cop from the past! He's the one that made things bad on the Bucci case. The other guy is Jay Morrison, not a profiler; he's with the organized control bureau. He's acting sort of like the good cop. They're to help with the Naked Seven. The no-clothes thing is throwing the cops off. "They could have walked in wearing Italian suits," says Jay. "Stripping them is humiliating. Taking their clothes the ultimate indignity." Hey, that happened to Chandler on Friends once! It was very undignified to be caught with no clothes on, but he did get to live, so that was good. That's what separates the comedies from the dramas: Death. Jay continues, "I hate to butt in here with a practical idea, but maybe taking their clothes was to prevent identification." Duh! Or theft, maybe! The Profiler jumps on the clue train and says, "The one with his throat slit was the one they really hated; the others they just wanted out of the way." Sip, still pissed at having to work with the Profiler again, yells, "You wanna contact the victims' families!" The Profiler is like, "I never contacted the family of that dead girl!" and then Sip asks where he'll need to set up his desk and crystal ball, and the Profilers is like, "I don't need a desk or a crystal ball!" as he runs on out of there, away from the wrath of Sip. Ricky gestures to Jay and says, "We can cuddle up at my desk." WOOOOOH! Look out, Mary! Jay looks nervous and says, "Don't hate me for riding in the same car as that guy," and Ricky goes, "Why would I hate you?" Yeah, because Ricky is not in third grade anymore! He may LOOK it, but he isn't! Then Jay says, "I didn't feel like turning over what I got in front of that dickhead profiler guy, and for that matter, your boss. I like a guy for the homicide." Ricky is like, the seven DOAs? Yup, those guys. Sip makes a palms-up "well?" gesture. Fancy looks out the window of his office as Jay continues. The suspect-to-be is named Vincente Ramos, who was talking in a salsa club about "making a bloody movie." Sip is still in super-gruff mode, and says, "You got a place to look for this guy...you assume we want to cut our boss out of this collar." Jay is all, what'd-I-do? and asks "What's you think I want to cut out your boss?" Um, maybe because you just SAID SO. Sip goes to tell Fancy what they're about to do and Ricky says of him, "He gives a bad first impression." Hey, Sip gives as good as he gets!
In his office, Fancy asks why Jay didn't mention that he liked a guy for the seven homicides. "Slipped his mind," Sip grumps. Oh, I love it when Sip's in a bad mood.
Di and Kirky come in to the office, each saying hi to Gay John, who actually gets a line and says hi back, with much gravity to Kirky. She also has a message, which he hands over and then folds his hands, like it's the Message of Doom or something. It is, in a way: Don's been arrested. Kirky asks if she can see him, and then asks Di to let the boss know that even though he was SUPPOSED to leave town, her loser ex has been arrested, and whoops...here comes Fancy. Di is all, "I'll bring the boss up to speed," and Kirky splits. Fancy asks, "You wanna tell me what that was all about?" Because if Kirky tipped Don off she could be in BIG TROUBLE, and she did, so she is. Fancy mentions something about trying to save her job now, and Di looks nervous as she says, "I don't know what she meant!" Fancy looks twice his normal size when he's mad. Gay John just wrings his hands, all Greek-chorus-y as usual.
Martinez comes up to Medavoy and tells him, "The DOA with the broken neck? Has a bunch of petty larceny arrests." Medavoy is all, "I expect people to read my mind." Huh? says Martinez. Medavoy is talking about the pretty paramedic. Martinez makes a crack about the advances in modern technology that might enable Medavoy to get in touch with her. Excellent point! I hate wimps who can't make moves. In walks a uniform cop and a guy blabbering away on a cell phone in Spanish? Arabic? I can't tell. The cell phone guy had $10,000 worth of merchandise stolen out of the warehouse where the DOA got his neck broken. A connection, perhaps? The merch included forty to fifty pairs of leather pants and some silk shirts. Perhaps indeed. Wait, the cell phone guy has a call coming in. It's his cousin! He knows where they're selling some stuff on the street right now! I totally believe this because an old friend of mine had a huge tribe of cousins and you could not travel anywhere in the five boroughs without running into one (or more) of them. We'd be driving around the Bronx and hear a horn honking like crazy and it'd be this Wise potato chip truck and a guy would jump out with bags of chips and it'd be my friend's cousin. And the like. The perks of being in a large family. And these were the days before cell phones! So let's go bust the guys selling stuff out of their trunk! But leave the cell phone guy at the precinct, he's too mad. He wants to put a hurting on whomever stole his leather pants.
Staked out in a cop car are Sip, Ricky, and Jay from the O.C.B. in the back. They're casing out the guy Jay likes for the Naked Seven. Jay seems to miss being close to the gritty, gritty street, and is blabbing about how great making an arrest is. Since he seems not to notice that they're just SITTING IN THE CAR, he just rambles on, all excited to be there and in love with the sound of his own voice as Ricky and Sip roll their eyes and exchange looks with each other. "The downside of the O.C.B. is that it's tough to be as field-responsive as you'd like...making this kind of quick strike on a perpetrator," Ricky says, "Of course if the quick strike doesn't bear fruit you did let your boy know he's hot." I love this cop-speak. Two dudes -- one carrying the other in his arms -- come out of the building Ricky, Sip and Jay are casing and they all three rush over to intercept. The one being carried gets helped into a wheelchair and Sip is like, who's our guy? "The one being pushed," says Jay. They get there and Jay totally starts taking over, yelling at Vicente, who looks a little gray in his wheelchair. He's not well: "I got polyps in my anus!" The guy pushing him says something in Spanish, which does NOT translate to "bloody movies" as Jay thought, but rather translates to "bloody bowel movements." Hoo boy -- O.C.B. really knows how to run things. Keystone fucking Kops. Jay tells Vincete to not move and he whines "I gotta go get diagnosed!" As the cops stalk off Sip cracks, "He looks healthy." Hee.
Another gritty gritty street scene and Martinez comes up on two flamboyantly dressed dudes in leather pants and loud silk shirts selling stuff out of the back of a car. "For you, $20. What size do you wear? Here's a thirty-eight." Martinez looks like he's enjoying this and says, "Thirty-eight? These [pants] are a thirty-four. Where'd you get all this stuff? " The guy says that a warehouse went out of business and that he bought them wholesale. Right. Then he hands over a pair of leather pants and all hard-sell-y, starts pitching Martinez: "When I look at you, I see a man who knows how to dress." Sure! And when I look at Martinez I see a good actor who needs more to do on this show. Oh right, he's leaving to star in and write his own show for the WB fall. Good! The guy continues: "How much money do you got on you right now?" Martinez goes to pull out his wallet and flashes his badge. Busted! Medavoy pops up and they cuff the guys, with the head salesman still negotiating. "Tell me, before you put the cuffs on, just tell me, why me?" Ask that down at the station, baby!
Whoosh over to the 113th Precinct where Don is -- FINALLY! -- behind bars. Kirky strides in and Don, all locked up, starts whimpering, "Thank God! Thank God, Jill. How are the boys holding up?" OH MY GOD! Kirky hisses, "How can you ask about the boys at a time like this?" Because Don is a manipulative, evil fucker with no fucking conscience, that's how! He'd steal your liver to feed to his dog. "I need your help," whines Don, and Kirky snaps, "No, you're just too lazy to take care of yourself." WOOOO! Then Don says, WAY too loudly, "From the moment you gave me the heads-up, I knew I couldn't leave town because it would be an admission of guilt, and I'm INNOCENT." Kirky looks really upset and pleads, "Keep your voice down! Do you realize I could lose my job if anyone finds out that I gave you the heads-up?" Uh, YES, Don realizes that, but he just doesn't CARE about anyone but HIMSELF. He has NO morals or ethics. Do you finally UNDERSTAND that, Jill Kirkendall? Can this PLEASE be the final lesson? Don continues his despicable weaseling: "Can you think of some other way to help me? 'Cause I gotta look after myself, Jill. I can't do time." Oh, and you also can't seem to figure out a way to support yourself other than being a fucking delivery boy for drug dealers, you huge loser! And you also can't seem to have any respect for your former wife, nor for your children! Jill turns away, fights back tears, and says, "I understand." That Don is a huge loser and not worthy of being eaten by slugs? GOOD. Don goes ON to say, "'Cause if you think I want the boys humiliated like this than you gotta think...." Kirky strides off, thank God, and Don calls after her, "Honey? Honey? Will I hear from you soon?" Oh man, you'll be hearing from the backside of my hand in about one second, Don. And it's going to sound like pain.
Back at the station house, Kirky is slowly walking in. One foot in front of the other, Kirky. Di, John, and Fancy all give her meaningful looks, but she just walks to her desk wearily without seeing them. Din finally comes over and asks, "What did Don say?" but Kirky just says, "They got the wrong guy. Maybe you shouldn't be talking to me," because she doesn't want Diane to get in trouble. Di protests, "The boss is on your side," and then Fancy comes out and booms, "You wanna come in here, Jill?" Uh oh.
In his office, Fancy says, "The guard commander at the 113 is going to keep your name out of the report." Whew. "That doesn't mean some scumbag won't drop a dime to the papers." Shit. Damn that Don! Fancy continues," Does your ex-husband have enough decency and concern for your children to not [sic] give you up?" Uh, NO. Kirky says, "He's going to give me up to prove that he's innocent, because a guilty man would have left town. No, he doesn't have enough decency, because he's a self-involved asshole who has never considered the consequences of his actions other than does he feels good when he gets off and is the chili going to upset his stomach!" You got that right, Kirky! And don't ever forget it. Fancy isn't invited to Jill's pity party though, and says, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. What did he ask you for?" Kirky didn't ask. Fancy sees hope and asks, "So he hasn't given you up yet?" He decides to go down to the 113th Precinct and kick some ass, to be followed by some taking of names. Thank God!
As Fancy leaves, he passes Sip, Ricky and Jay from O.C.B. on the stairwell. Sip says dryly that that collar "didn't really bear fruit." No, it laid an egg, in fact. But what's this? There's a cabby parked by John's desk who has some info on the Naked Seven. He heard about it on the radio and came in. Jay jumps all over himself offering a reward if his info is good, and Sip grabs Jay by the neck and says cheerfully, "That's the last you'll be hearing from him!" Dis-missed! Ricky negotiates three "busy days' pay" for the cabby, who then spills it: "I picked two guys up from that building they showed on the news. They were high...acting crazy. They had garbage bags filed with stuff. Puerto Rican types. Gave me a $5 tip!" Sip looks intrigued and says, "They could be cartel guys, higher-ups from an extreme level." So the gay sex cult lead is out? Oh right, it was ALL IN YOUR HEAD. Go on.
In an interrogation room, Martinez and Medavoy are questioning the fast-talking street salesman. Or rather, he's pitching them on his innocence: "You must know that I'm the least responsible partner in this." This guy really has the gift of gab so he starts convincing the cops that people sell stuff all the time on the streets of New York -- like books and records -- and why aren't they going after them? Well, because there aren't usually MURDERS attached to people selling stuff on the street, that's why. The guy has no alibi (he went and had a couple of drinks by himself the night of the murder), and the very word "murder" makes him "physically nauseated. Mike's dead? Sorry -- ex post facto. Do you know what that means?" Do they know what that means? Well why don't you just tell them, Mister Smart Guy? "Dave called me and said he needed my salesman's talents. Dave brought me in AFTER the fact. Ex post facto. Capisce?" Medavoy looks at this dork and says, "You know, you got some honker on you, pal." The camera waves over to show the guy's nose in profile. The thing rivals John Turturro's. It's pretty big. Hee.
Medavoy and Martinez go at Dave, the cute-but-dim other guy-selling-merch-from-a-trunk. He plays dumb for a while, rather brilliantly. Martinez and Medavoy guilt-trip him into admitting what happened by bringing up Dave's mom. "Fratricide. Pretty heavy thing to pt a mother through." Dave is like, "Don't say it was me! I don't want my mother hearing that. Mike died of natural causes. Act of God. You know, fate." Martinez says, "Well, it happened when you were up there burglarizin'." Dave feebly protests his innocence but then admits that he did in fact kill his brother by tossing a massive bundle of leather pants on him from three stories up when the guy was expecting silk shirts. "I just thought it would be funny." It was all a mistake! When Martinez asks how and why he went on to sell the stuff when he had left his brother cold in the street just hours before, Dave says lamely, "Because Mike would have wanted it that way?" Oh boy. As if we needed more proof that capitalism is bad.
Up at the 113, Fancy is paying Don a visit. Don's all, "Hello," with that idiot half-smile on his face that I just want to smack right off. Fancy introduces himself as Jill's boss and Don smugly says, "I see Jill has spoken with you." Fancy sits down heavily to Don on his l'il jailhouse bench and asks, "I need to know what you did and what you can trade." Don's like, 'trade' meaning I don't rat out Jill and I walk? Fancy says there's no way Don's doing less than twenty years. YAY!! I am SO glad to hear this. Don throws a tantrum and says, "So I face personal police vengeance via the justice system?" OH MY GOD. ACCEPT some responsibility, why don't you?! Fancy grabs Don by the collar of his shirt and says, "That's a big problem you have: Trying to make yourself feel better by the sound of your own voice." WOOOOO! Don says, all strangulated, "I'm stating objective fact." RIGHT!! Fancy keeps squeezing Don's neck until Don agrees to forget Jill's name ever existed and says, "The walk for the full flip and nothing about nothing else!" Thank GOD. Fancy yells for the guard ("Open the gate!") and I really really REALLY hope this is the last we see of Don. He's stressing me out! And poor Kirky!
Back at the station house, the cabby's tip seems to have paid off, because Sip and Ricky are hauling in a skanky-looking guy with several garbage bags filled with stuff. And is it just me, or have BOTH the cases in today's episode been solved by people walking in off the street with information? Okay, so it isn't just me. Just checking to see if you were paying attention! So the skank says, "Them clothes must have been planted in my apartment!" Jay from O.C.B. yells, "And I'm sure the piece we got which will check out in ballistics was planted too!" Ricky grabs Jay and says, "Morrison, you know why they invented interrogation rooms? To keep us from going at suspects piecemeal at stairwells and such!" Hee.
So they get the Skank in the interrogation room (so as not to go at him piecemeal in the stairwell and such) and he says he isn't going to talk, and "tough titty" for the Blue cops. Sip grabs the guy and starts screaming in his face and Ricky starts going off about the eyewitnesses they have placing the Skank at the scene. It seems the Skank and a guy named Miguel decided to steal the coke they had heard was in the apartment and the seven DOAs were just in the way -- they were in there "bagging coke" naked. Being naked "keeps them honest -- they can't steal if they have nowhere to hide the stuff." Just like in New Jack City! They were killed because they got too good a look at the Skank and Miguel, and the seventh one got his throat slit because Miguel's gun "only holds six shots and that dumb asshole didn't think to bring along any extra bullets." They stole the clothes to look for money. What a dumb, senseless crime! And the looks on Sip's and Ricky's faces echo that sentiment. So much for the Profiler and O.C.B.
Medavoy put down his phone and rolls away from his desk to talk to Martinez. "Seven-thirty this evening," he says. "Miss Loretta Beckwith of EMS and I are going to hit the buffet at Lankard's." Martinez asks, "Is she still on the phone?" No, Medavoy was just super-eager to brag about his date. "Alls I know is, no one ever rolled a seven without tossing the dice." Oh, you corny man. Why is it that the biggest chickens brag the most? Martinez is all like, "Lankard's? They sure lay some spread out there." Oh yeah, the world-famous Lankard's. What did it get in Zagat's Buffets guide? Never mind.
Then Fancy comes in and Martinez is like, "Hey boss, that DOA with the broken neck took a really weird turn!" And then Fancy is like, "I want to talk to Jill," and Martinez goes, "I'll tell you about that weird turn later." Is it me or are the Blue cops getting really gossipy?
Fancy sits down on Jill's desk and says, "Don's realized that the legend that you gave him the heads-up isn't in his best interests." Jill says, "He won't do time?" and Fancy interrupts her: "Your best shot at keeping your job and your name out of the papers is not to live in your ex-husband's head." Good advice! "Give me some credit at knowing how to play this asshole," Jill says sheepishly, "Can I...I'll try to keep my head back on straight." Fancy goes, "He's out of your life," and Jill says, "That's what I want." Me too! Do I have a say in this? If so, I never want to see that rat bastard again. Thank you. Fancy says, "That's how you gotta walk it. You could be used, taken down." Kirky says, "Thanks so much," and me too! Thanks, Fancy!
The Profiler walks in and asks for Sip and Ricky. John says they're taking a statement. The Profiler asks humbly, "Can I leave a note?" John says, "Of course!" and then beams at the guy as he writes.
Di goes over to Kirky's desk and says, "That sounded pretty friendly." Kirky says, "He's stand-up, the boss." Di agrees: "He's a totally stand-up guy." Yeah, Fancy rules! Kirky goes, "With friends like that, even a dope's gotta have a chance." Aww...I'll give you another chance! Just stay away from that Don.
Sip and Ricky come in just as the Profiler has finished writing up his little note. Sip's in no mood to humor this guy ("A crankhead thief did the murders...it's not looking too cartel-connected.") and the Profiler, all seventh-grade, shoves the note at him and runs out. Then Jay is like, "Don't put me in the report guys...I didn't do anything." Oh, how falsely modest of you! Ricky says, "We're simple folk...you work the case, your name goes on the file." Then Sip makes a crack about how they'll all be working for Jay one day and Jay says, "I'd be honored." Sip stalks off, saying, "They don't even realize when you're insulting them." Then Jay stands around beaming until Ricky offers his hand for Jay to pump. What a nincompoop.
At their desks now, Ricky asks Sip what The Profiler wrote in his note. The camera waves over to show us: Dear Sip, will you ask out John for me? I think he's sooo fine! Just kidding, Sip says, "He wrote this polite note here with his idea of humor: 'Guess the perp didn't fit my profile. Congrats anyway.'" Well, he admitted he was wrong. Then Sip goes on to say that the whole time he was working the Bucci case with the profiler, the only way he could face the parents of the murdered five-year-old girl was to get real loaded the night before. "Maybe I don't like remembering what a prick I was back then." Wow, Sip admits he was a prick! Ricky rubs the right side of his head with his left hand, in what is now his trademark gesture.
Ricky and Mary are having dinner-din in his apartment. Mary cooked lasagna. Ricky says, "This could be the best meat sauce I ever tasted." Mary doesn't eat, or some reason. She's "afraid she might throw up" if she does, so her plate is bare. Excuse me while I cough -- bulimia. Pardon me. Then they go to wash the dishes. He nags her about mixing the silverware. "You only have two forks and two knives," Mary says. Quit being so neurotic, you two! On the couch, Ricky gossips about his day, says Sip is weird, then goes, "You want to hit the rack?" Mary says, "How about you get me all stirred up first," and they start making out. Kiss kiss! WOOOO! I don't think these two freaky lovebirds are going to last. They are just too weird and similar to make it. Or maybe it's that they are grossing me out.