Wait, what's this warning? Adult language and partial nudity! Woo hoo!
Last time on Blue, Diane crushes what's left of Kirkendall's love for her sleazy loser ex by telling her he's a mule on top of everything else; Ricky gets to call Mary by her first name now; and Katie and Sipowicz stand around trading Theo stories after her babysitting gig. She had to read Theo The Cat in the Hat five times, isn't that sweet? Aww.
Woosh bloosh, and the wavy camera work waves us over to Ricky's apartment, where Mary and Ricky are in bed together. If Blue were a sitcom, the audience would go "WOOOO!" at this, but this is a drama, so chill out. While Ricky quietly snores, his head on the pillow, Mary is checking out the little-kid art on the wall, that reads "To my brother Danny"; she has her feet on the pillow and her head on the foot of the bed. Ah, a little reverse-sleeping. Everyone's done it. Ricky wakes up and lets the camera do a neat double-take zooming between his head vs. her feet on the pillows vs. her head down there before he says, "Mornin'...this some kind of freaky-deek?" Mary shoots back, "I can work with you." Hee. The alarm goes off and Ricky says he heard Mary get up about five or six times in the night. Mary says something about "scoping an unfamiliar apartment out." Snoop! Ricky says "I count my utensils." Then Ricky says that his sisters drew the little-kid pictures. Going into sad-story mode (which I thought was a late-night thing, not a first-thing-in-the-morning thing), Ricky tells how his dad died when he was six and his mom sent the kids over to America from Norway to live with their aunt in Albany. Mary gets a look on her face like, wow, he's opening up to me about painful stuff! Score! "So am I your first Norwegian screw?" asks Ricky. Mary, on a roll, says, "Not even close." Then she said it was good Ricky says he kept the little-kid art from his sisters because they were presents. Then he goes, "Did you really give my place a good toss?" Yeah, she cased the joint, and soon will be sent down to the jug for it, all right? Bada-boom. Mary says she knows where he keeps the coffee, and asks if he'd like her to make him some. Ricky looks like he's in shock and says all deadpan, "You want to use my coffeemaker." What a tender, neglected guy! He's Never had anyone make him coffee before! Mary smiles the nicest smile yet and says, "You are so strange." I second that emotion, Mary. Ricky half-smiles and they kiss! Then Ricky takes off Mary's shirt and the camera waves down to give us a glimpse of the side of her boob! WOOOOO! Oops, sorry, forgot where I was.
Woosh bloosh credits! Cue the pounding drums! Start up the moody synthesizers!
Establishing shots of the precinct bring us to Sip, cooling his heels outside. Sister Katie cruises up and they kiss hello. Katie didn't go to her meeting, but was instead counseling a poor young man. Wow, how self-sacrificing...and perhaps some foreshadowing? Sip tells her he needs help because Theo's being "willful and disobedient-like." That sweet thing? Never. Well, he is four. Sip goes through his list of minor complaints: Theo isn't eating the same foods and is asking for new things, and he's not getting the same enjoyment of their after-school activities and games that he did before. Katie, all non-sequitur, starts blabbing about the "poor young crackhead" she was counseling and that he lived in the filthiest conditions! And had the filthiest porn on his computer! Hey! That sounds like about half the people I know! Sip is all like, what were you DOING hanging out with a crackhead, and WHAT does this have to do with me and my adorable SON? And HURRY UP, Medavoy and Ricky are waiting so we can check out a DOA somewhere in this gritty gritty city. Katie says the young man's name is John and Sip goes, "John, the crackhead porn fan," which cues Katie to go off on a God-related tangent. God, has shown her that there are "some steps John has to take alone," and therefore Katie can NOT do the rescuing number on him that she would like to, oh, and she "hopes that helps with Theo." Sip is getting pretty steamed from having to hold a bag of crap from his own SISTER, and as she goes off to her meeting he mutters, "I have to get one of those rearing books." That's CHILD-rearing. He's not talking about porn, people.
is a crime scene in a hotel. A uniform tells Ricky, Sip and Medavoy that as they were securing the crime scene, a fire alarm went off. Then as the firefighters "did their thing," it ruined the crime scene. The place is soaked, and there's a bloody body in the bathtub. "Poor guy," says the uniform, "stabbed and mutilated." "I'll say," says Sip, "His dick's gone." WOOOO! I mean, ow, yikes. The uniform continues, "The clerk said he came in here regular, brought in male prostitutes. Virginia driver's license." They leave the bathroom, with Sip making an "ew" face and a wider shot of the bloody body in the bathtub. Thanks for that.
In the hall, the Blue cops interview the hotel clerk, Larry. He's wearing a yellow jacket that makes him look like he should be selling real estate for Century 21. He's feeling "kind of bowled-over." Okay. He also remembers that when he found the body, it was still wearing the gold Rolex and ring -- now they're gone. "I have an image of that beautiful gold watch against the porcelain of the tub." We say Larry is scary, and that's for a reason. He ends the grisly poetic imagery and tells them that the B.B.I.T.B.T used to flash his money clip filled with hundred dollar bills and say, "This will all be in a stranger's pocket tonight!" He'd come to stay once a month and "go find young boys." How many, Medavoy asks? "I'd say four a night," says Larry. Oh my! Busy busy! Then a rock-and-roll-looking guy, an uglier version of Ozzy, slinks out of the room door and heads for the elevator. Sip stops him and, even though he just said he didn't see anything, seconds later he screams "Whoa, all right, one guy, about twenty-seven, with a couple of tattoos!" The real Ozzy wouldn't cave that fast. Sip tells him he's staying for a "gig in the Big Apple" since he was a witness to a murder. Bummer, dude.
Back in the room, Ricky holds up two sneakers. "One's a ten, the other an eight and a half, both lefts." Medavoy goes, "Whoa. I found the penis, guys." We don't get to see it. I am alternately glad and disappointed.
Back at the precinct, a mom -- Sonia Lopez -- is dragging her son Jason in because she thinks he's stealing. Oy, way to parent. Not. "You see that jacket? It's expensive. And he has rollerbades!" Jason mumbles that he's not stealing. Sonia overreacts again, saying "Something has turned this boy from the way he was raised." Oh god, raised by a drama queen and Jason still has problems? Has the world gone mad? Diane farms this out (would detectives really do this?) splitting up Jason and his mom between herself, Martinez and Kirkendall into separate interrogation rooms.
Jason is feebly protesting to Martinez and Kirky, saying, "I don't steal. My mom is wrong." He's gotten a job after school doing computer graphics. His mom "doesn't understand computers," which is why he didn't tell her. Mmm-hmm.
Sonia cries to Diane (only slightly hysterically) about the fact that Jason's "teacher started influencing him. He want's to impress her because she's the new thing in his life." Quick, how do you spell LaTourneau?
Martinez is wisely counseling Jason to "communicate with [his] mom better." Jason has "no dad." Bummer! Di and Sonia come in and Martinez tells her Jason is working. Sonia disputes this, saying, "I don't think he has a job -- I think it's her influence." God, Sonia, chill! She grabs Jason by the ear and drags him out of the station house.
Di tells Kirky and Martinez what the mom thinks, waggling her eyebrows for effect when Martinez asks, "What kind of relationship with his teacher?" I'd say the illicit doing-it kind, okay? There's no answer at the computer store, so Kirky decides to go down there and check things out.
Sip and Ricky are grilling the Ozzy lookalike, and it's like some bad after-school special. He's got a totally Midwestern stoner accent. And then he says "There was an open-mic opportunity I was playing at...I got in at like 3 AM...I was having trouble with the uh...uhh..." He make this totally vague gesture and after a million years says "electric key thing." Dude, you were soo stoned. That's when he saw the person storm out of the B.B.I.T.B.T.'s room. "I sensed trouble," Ozzy says. Wow, maybe weed doesn't kill brain cells! Just kidding! "Get to the tattoos," growls Sip. Ozzy is reluctant, but finally gives up the info. "A blue dagger on one hand...'Tommy' on the back of the neck." Ricky, all hand-hold-y, says "See? That was very helpful for us." Ozzy goes, "Good for you...sucks for me." Hee. "I helped you out...help me out?" It seems Ozzy was about to skip out on his hotel bill and has some debt built up. And do they have any weed lying around? He's all out. Then he groans, "This blows." Sip makes a "dude, chill" face. Hee.
On the street, a very non-gritty-looking balding dude is opening his lil' computer shop. Geek alert! Woop woop! Di and Kirky cruise up and start firing questions at him, like, does Jason Lopez work here? Uh, yeah, sure he does? Are you ladies interested in a computer? As a total aside, I cannot believe that ANY detectives ANYWHERE, let alone NEW YORK CITY would actually look into this non-theft case. Aren't there more corpses in bathtubs they can check out somewhere? Anyway, Bald Geek says he has an apprentice program and Jason is in it...well, actually Jason is the ONLY apprentice...well, really Jenny (LeTourneau!) Peters, Jason's teacher, said to SAY that Jason works at the Geek Store. She's a "saint crusader for Latino kids." Wow, is that like a superhero or something? LATINO CRUSADER TO THE RESCUE! Kirky dryly says, "Really? Is she a crusader for Latino girls too?" Di goes, "Stick around." And they split. Bald Geek is petrified.
Sip is on the phone to EMS, trying to find out about the missing gold ring and Rolex. In struts Danny Phillips, from the firehouse. "You were at the hotel scene?" Sip asks. "Cigarette in a bed? Yeah, we were in and out." Danny's super-casual. Breezy, even. So very not suspicious! Sip asks, "You were aware that this was a crime scene?" Yeah! "And you think the cops might have taken the jewelry?" Gay John starts looking at them. Danny goes "Woo woo woo," sounding not unlike one of the Three Stooges, "we were there, we left! If you have personnel problems, I'd just as soon not hear about it." What an ass. Danny goes to strut his way out of there and then goes, "Ooh ooh ooh, Andy," "Ooh ooh ohh, what?" answers Sip. "The DOA and his Johnson: Separate funerals?" Then Danny makes a zipping-up-his-zipper gesture and and an Ow! face and dances on out of there. What class and tact! Boy, if I were a firefighter I'd be boycotting this show. Oh wait, they are! Go ahead. Gay John looks at Sip again and Sip pushes away from his desk and stomps off.
In cruises Jenna Eflman. Oh no, it's Jenny Peters, the Latino Crusader. No cape or mask, just a blue shirt with three-quarter-length sleeves. Very teacher-y. With arms folded and a stern, teacher-y face, she says, "I've come down here to set the record straight about Jason Lopez." Diane is a little taken aback because no one had actually contacted Mary Kay LeTourneau -- I mean Jenny Peters -- yet. Martinez and Kirky come over and sit down as Jenny remains standing and delivers a little lecture about Jason: "He's fifteen, is mature and intelligent, and writes poetry that would make your soul cry." Diane, Kirky and Martinez all barf, then continue to indulge Our Miss Peters. She's so unselfconscious that she actually says, "Do you people have a problem with white people helping Latinos?" OH MY GOD! Saying "you people" is an invitation to get smacked, right up there with asking "Do you know what your problem is?" Anyway, Di slowly says that it was Jason's MOTHER who had concerns, not the police. Miss Peters says, "Sonia lacks the sophistication to understand what it is I'm doing." HOW PATRONIZING! Martinez says, "Well, we do try keep our women simple." Zing. Di says that Sonia feels that Miss Peters might be overstepping. Miss Peters says, "I've been overstepping for fifteen years." Oh, well, that makes it all right then! Please go ahead patronizing minorities for their own good! Di asks, "So, he likes your helping?" Miss Peters gets a disgusting self-satisfied smile on her face and says, "He depends on it." Then, all irate and put-upon, she hissyfits out and says, "I've finally found a boy who's completely worthy of all my efforts and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers." Martinez says, "That's mighty big of you." ["Shout-out?" -- Wing Chun] Mighty white of you too, Miss Peters! Then she stomps out! See ya!
Sip, Ricky and Medavoy all convene in Fancy's office where he tells them to hit the bars, looking for Tommy the Tattooed Perp. Since Sip is such a giant homophobe, this should be really enlightening.
We get some nice establishing shots of Christopher Street, where cops should be scared to go (Stonewall!), and the camera takes us into a gay bar. Ricky starts dancing wildly and Sip and Medavoy start making out...sorry, that was in my dreams. Sip shows the bartender a photo of Tommy the Tattooed Perp and for some reason (a cheap laugh, perhaps?), the bartender has to bend over revealing his total ass in buttless leather chaps. Sip is all, "Put an apron on right now!" The bartender says he wipes his hands on a towel, and Sip goes, "What, are you a big wimp?" For wiping his hands on a towel? No, that's called being sanitary. "Where are your dungeons?" asks Sip. They don't have any, says the bartender. So Ricky and Sip go to check out the bathrooms ("right through the chain-link fence"), leaving Medavoy to fend for himself. Trembling, he inches away from a totally cute guy who's checking him out. AS IF! Medavoy's a sweetie, but PLEASE, he is not cute.
In the bathroom, which has some nice pencil drawings of -- surprise -- naked men with nice butts, Ricky and Sip collar Tommy and take his knife. Sip says something about needing to take a piss, but decides not to, asking rhetorically, "How can you urinate in this environment?" Uh, by not being a giant homophobic freak, that's how. As they drag Tommy out, the bartender waves his barely-covered-by-an-apron-ed ass at them and asks if he "can take this off now." Medavoy, speechless, just points at him and runs away. WHAT ARE THESE COPS AFRAID OF!?
Back at the precinct, Di, Kirky and Martinez are telling Fancy about Our Miss Peters. They think she's screwing around with the kid, because she's been caught in a lie (via the computer store "dimwit") and has admitted to having Jason in her apartment. Martinez brightly says it's "part of her effort to rescue the downtrodden Latino race. That's a felony, right?" Kirky goes, "She's over twenty-one, he's under sixteen -- that's rape three." Martinez goes, "That's a neat felony." WOOOO! They decide to bring Jason back in.
In an interrogation room, Ricky and Sip are laying into Tommy. Not like that. Tommy says he's "Not guilty," and that all the evidence is "circumstantial." Then there's a bunch of talk like "play for the other squad" and "you hide among fruits" and a bunch of double-talk like "you never pitched into the mitt," and finally Tommy goes, "So if you found me in an automobile assembly plant, you would accuse me of being a car?" Then Sip says if Tommy touched the guy's "po-po" he must be gay, and to touch it he would have had to hike up the DOA's big belly, and Tommy said he "didn't touch po-po!" and I have NEVER heard of the phrase "po-po" in my LIFE and I WENT to grade school in New York, so PLEASE. Finally Ricky asks Tommy if he was "commercially motivated" to be a gay prostitute, and Tommy says that he was. Tommy describes his credo of prostitutin': "I will screw your ass, I will spank you, you can lick my feet, but do NOT try kissing me." That seems reasonable. Hookers have rules, you know. Then Ricky asks if Tommy told the DOA that, and yeah, he did, but when he was cleaning up, the guy snuck up behind him and "stuck his dirty, fat, wet tongue in [Tommy's] mouth." Ricky goes, "Whoa," and Tommy goes, "What would YOU do?" Sip answers, "Say no more." Tommy makes a little hiss and I cannot BELIEVE the homophobia on this show.
Jason comes skulking into the precinct and sees Martinez. "Can we have a man-to-man talk?" he asks. Mano y mano? Si! Martinez is happy to. "I did something bad," Jason sniffles. Wow, I though white liberal guilt was bad -- nothing compared to Jason's! As he wipes his eyes, Martinez starts doing an invisible "yessss!" dance, reassuring Jason that he won't get locked up. Between sniffs and snuffs, Jason totally spills it: "I'm having relations with Miss Peters. We were going to go to New Mexico. I don't wanna go! And I never wanted to have relations! I'm not as special as Miss Peters thinks I am." Aww. Martinez promises that, in front of this witness (Gay John, who else?), everything is going to be all right. Martinez goes to get a confession from Jason, and Di and Kirky roll up, just in time to go fetch the lecherous Miss Peters. "Can't I just write her a letter?" asks Jason. Like, Dear Miss Peters, please stop molesting me. It's warping my fragile little mind. Love, Jason.
A few establishing shots of the gritty, gritty street lead us to a gritty-looking school. Di and Kirky have a little chat about piercings ("How does having a metal stud in your tongue make you cool?" Kirky, if you have to ask...), before Our Miss Peters comes out. She has a Latina girl in tow and looks super-pissed when she sees Di and Kirky. Our Miss Peters refuses to go with them until Diane says that they will embarrass her in front of all those kids. Miss Peters SHOVES Di who promptly gets Miss Peters's hands behind her back and throws her on the squad car. Like a total liberal flake, Miss Peters starts screaming, "This is WRONG. This is what the police DO," to the assembled mass of kids outside. Sure, you should have been here LAST week when the cops KILLED a guy. THAT was something to scream about. They put her in the car ("Watch your stupid head," hee hee), and drive away.
After the commercials, a colleague of Sip's strolls into the precinct and observes of Sip, "You look good. Fit." He says. Yes, Dennis Franz lost weight. "We got a big problem," says Sip, and leads the guy into a back room. Sip tosses the DOA crime scene photos in front of the colleague and asks (yells) why the colleague didn't notice that in between the time he took the first crime scene photo, and then the fire department came in and left, and he took the remaining crime scene photos he failed to notice a gold watch and ring missing. Because, you know, photographers are rarely OBSERVANT. The guy swears he "never noticed no difference," nor the missing Rolex and that it must have been the fire department that took the loot. "Those arrogant humps," growls Sip.
Di and Kirky are dragging Our Miss Peters into an interrogation room. "Do you want something to drink?" asks Di. "Please don't act like you're my friend," says the teacher. Oh, I hate her. Martinez comes up and says that Jason is withdrawn. Poor kid. Then he gets all happy and asks, "So, are we gonna go at this miserable bitch?" For some reason, Di and Kirky tell him no, and that it will distract Miss Peters from making a statement if Martinez is there. "You feel she shows a little arrogant patronizing attitude in my direction? That biased arrogant bitch." asks Martinez. Right on the money, honey -- we ALL see that. So then they tell him he can watch through the two-way mirror and he goes "Okay, I'll go watch from the cheap seats...I'll go sit in the Latino section."
Inside the little room, Hank exits as Kirky and Di enter to go at that arrogant Miss Peters. She starts bitching right away: "You drag me in here like a criminal...do you know how you hurt those kids...you've damaged their idea of what a teacher is." Kirky dryly says, "You think seducing a kid that trusted you might damage what Jason's idea of a teacher is?" Miss Peters snaps, "I'm not going to talk about my personal life." OH MY GOD!! I hate Miss Peters. Di hates her too, because she yells, "When you have sex with a fifteen-year-old, it stops becoming your personal life, and you become a collar for rape three!" Miss Peters, who STILL does not get that she is SO wrong, says, "Jason is no ordinary fifteen-year-old. Not in my soul, and not in his, has ANYTHING we've done been wrong. There's a part of Jason's soul that you will never be able to reach, and Jason will remember the TRUTH." Oh, so then it's okay! We didn't understand, sorry. In your SOUL he's not half your age and he's not just an innocent kid you're exploiting...right. Now go on your merry way. Now wake up and realize that you're doing the WRONG THING! Miss Peters even manages to insult Jason's mom: "Sonia will end his education if she finds out! She is terrified he'll go to college and take up with strong, smart women." All I can say is OH MY GOD! Then, because it's Kirky and Di who are ruining Jason's life here, Miss Peters reminds them what will happen to the boy: He'll become a laborer or a busboy. "But you won't be able to see what's in his soul...you won't see what he's remembering...he's going to remember his teacher...he's going to remember me." Kirky drawls, "We all will never forget you, Jenny." You got THAT right, sister. More full of herself, she could not be: That's Our Miss Peters.
Sip's at his desk and Danny Peters of the NYFD dances in again. "Hey, Andy," he says. "Ooh, Danny," says Sip. The DOA's stuff is still stolen, and the pictures help show when they were taken off the corpse. "That part remains a mystery," says Danny. "Well I got nothing to contribute...that's not my bag of crap." SURE, you don't, and YES it is. Sip says, "If the missing property gets found, you don't have to hold it." I love the "bag of crap" phrase! Totally guilty, Danny says, "I know who to talk to," and the camera waves around to show Gay John practically standing over them, looking so hard at Danny you'd think he would break under the strain. Instead he just tosses the photos back at Sip and goes, "When in Rome." Like Rocket from the Crypt sing, "When in Rome, do the jerk!" And Sip just did you, buddy. As Danny leaves, he tries to intimidate Gay John by asking, "I hope my friend here knows when to turn his eyes to the wall," and Gay John shoots back, "And when not to." Then Sip and Gay John exchange looks and it seems that, for a moment, Sip appreciates and respects John! HOORAY!!
In the locker room, Di and Kirky take a break from their naked tickle fight to talk about their day. Miss Peters is "awaiting her coach ride to the tombs," and Martinez didn't drive her because "he might get lost and drop her off at the pier." Sounds good to me! Then Kirky tells Di she told Don, her loser ex, to stay away from her and her son, and never to come see them again. Di is glad, but wonders if Kirky might have implicated herself by telling Don he was under surveillance. Kirky goes, "Oh." Di notes that that was an evasive remark and Kirky, totally evading her, goes "See you tomorrow." See ya! Would not want to be ya!
In the park, Sip is wheeling Theo around on the world's slowest merry-go-round ride, shooing other children away as he does. A little over-protective, you could say. Theo says "Go fast! More faster!" and finally, "Wanna go on the slide!" Sip gets worried-face and says, "This is your ride, Theo...how come you want to go on the slide?" With perfect little-kid logic, Theo says, "'Cause more sliding." Sip sighs, gathers Theo up, lets out two more sighs, and walks over to the slide like it's the green frickin' mile or something. There's a pause, a "You're sure," and Theo the adorable one says "I wanna go on the slide." Sip thinks he's gonna get up there too and Theo goes, "I wanna do it by myself." Another sigh from Sip, an assisted climb (cute teeny cargo pants!), more sighs and an "I don't think this is such a good idea," a hand-holding, and in like a second Theo slides down the slide as Sip yelps, "I'll be standing here the whole time!" Sigh sigh, "You did it! Now wasn't that fun. We did it. We did it." I love metaphor. And then the TV gets all blurry again and I can barely see Theo climbing back up the slide for another go and Sip wiping his brow.