This warning only features adult language. Where's the nudity, people? Don't let me down!
Previously on NYPD Blue, Don got tossed in jail and browbeat Kirky. Fancy choked Don and thus saved Kirky's ass. In a real bout of pot-calling-the-kettle-bottled-up, Ricky told Mary that Sip doesn't know what's going on inside of himself! I guess it takes one to know one, Rickmeister! Then he and Mary went and did it. Again.
The camera waves us over in fits and starts to a gritty-looking apartment building. An interior shot reveals that it's Diane's super nice bachelorette pad. What's that -- a fireplace? Shit, maybe I should become a New York City cop. Or is Diane independently wealthy or something? Anyway, there's a knock on the door and its Kirky. She's -- hold on -- bummed out about Don. "I don't know what to do about Don," she says. Um, how about letting him rot in jail, for starters! Di offers Kirky some water and Kirky asks, "Are you going to throw it on me?" Mention Don again and I will, says Di. Just kidding. Neither of them heard anything about Don's arrest in the news -- a good sign. Kirky plops down in one of Di's lovely armchairs and says, "I feel like I'm on a wheel in a cage. I guess that makes me the rat." Di asks, "Why are you the rat?" Kirky says, "I made him the father of my boys. I loved him. He was always in trouble. I loved that too." Oh man, someone get a copy of Smart Women, Foolish Choices and beat Kirky with it until she gets that THIS ISN'T HER FAULT. Don is a bum. Period. So, Kirky can't decide what to tell the boys, and Di suggests saying nothing for the time being, and touches Kirky's knee. The camera waves over to Di, to Di's hand on Kirky's knee to Kirky in movements so linear there could have been lines connected between all three points. Kirky busts out with some insight, and says, "I don't get how Don has people going crazy over him, and Bobby is dead." Yeah -- it never stops being clear (to ME, anyway) that life is totally unfair. So Di straps on her gun and the two go to work together, totally demoralized. Great way to start the day! Good thing this isn't an orange juice commercial or something!
Woosh! Bloosh! A subway train is rushing towards the screen! The drums are tribal! The keyboards, mournful!
Okay, the camera waves us all around a crime scene. There's uniformed cops, gawkers, a burly mustachioed man sitting of an apartment building's steps...finally Sip and Ricky roll up in their car. A uniform tells Sip what's happening: A man was shot in front of his wife and children while watching TV in his home. The uniform introduces mustache man to Sip and Ricky; he's the victim's brother and heard the shots. His name is Joaquin Enrique, and Sip goes, "Zshwa-KEEN??" like he's never heard of Joaquin Phoenix or something. "Just say Joe," says the burly Joaquin. "I came out and saw some prick running and pulled some shots with my 38." Ricky says, all interested, "Did you hit him?" Could be, says Joaquin. The suspect tripped and fell. Then the uniform is all, oh, and we got the shotgun. NOW you tell us, yells Sip. Joaquin didn't get a good look at the suspect ("I only saw him from the back") and he tells Sip and Ricky that sometimes the DOA loaned money out on the side. Ricky muses, "Shot in broad daylight, nothing taken...looks personal." Sip says, "Maybe someone wanted to cancel a loan." The two Blue cops head in and Joaquin calls to them, "Will I get my 38 back?" Ricky cracks, "Yeah, if we don't lose it." Is that joke supposed to make up for the firefighters-stealing-stuff-off-corpses-plot line?
Back at the station house, Medavoy cruises up to Martinez with a coffee mug in hand, all ready to gossip: "You didn't ask me how my date with Miss Loretta Beckwith of EMS went!" Martinez puts away the letter that says he passed the sergeant's test with flying colors, and asks, "Oh yeah, how did it go?" Medavoy is like, "I had some moment of realization on that buffet line..." Was it that only dorks take a first date to a buffet? Because that would be some moment of realization. Medavoy continues, "I'm waiting on the buffet line of the Lankard's Restaurant I told you about..." Oh my God, has ANYONE heard of this restaurant? Is it famous among New York City cops? Or maybe the name is some kind of shout-out to someone named Lankard. Mention it one more time and I'm calling that phone company that can locate places you've forgotten the location of. You know, the mystery bookstore outside of Chicago? Or the dog-grooming place called Punky's? Anyway, Medavoy continues, "We're in the buffet line at Lankard's and there's a couple in front of us. A young woman, about twenty-two, and a guy in his forties. Then, with this EMS girl beside me, I realize, as far as age discrepancy, her and I, there's no difference. In fact, we're a mirror image from that couple!" Most guys would be psyched, but not Medavoy. I'm glad he feels like a tool for dating someone half his age. So James, in the anyway-vein, says, "I passed the sergeant's exam." Medavoy's lip starts to quiver, tears form in his eyes, then he just starts bawling. Gotcha! Medavoy looks stunned and says, "That throws me for a loop." Then he and Martinez talk about the pros and cons of being sergeant, one significant con being "the loss of prior friendships," which Medavoy repeats twice. Aww! Martinez reassures Medavoy by taking him in his arms and stroking his lovely red hair and whispering, darling, darling, you know we shall never be apart...just kidding. Martinez says, "You're the godfather of my child...food for thought." Medavoy walk away snuffling. He knows Martinez is leaving and never coming back! Waah!
Ricky, Sip, Kirky and Di all come in to the station house. Ricky and Sip cruise over to Fancy's office to announce the status of their case: Male Hispanic DOA. The wife was too upset to talk to the cops and locked herself in the bathroom. Sounds suspicious, yes? She is coming down later to look at photos. The brother of the DOA -- Hwa-KEEN, which Sip can't say without making a face -- saw the shooter from the back and fired shots at him. Fancy says, "Okay. Get out of my office." Vamoose!
Gay John sidles up to Sip: "There's a man waiting for you...he's making gestures like he's addressing a crowd...and I think he said something about being uncrowned royalty." What a weird thing to say! We get a shot of a goober in glasses passing his hands above a flock of invisible Lilliputians, and Ricky and Sip sidle over to him, raising eyebrows and casting skyward lances as they do. The man says, "Gentlemen. Do I have a fungo-bat in my hand?" Wha? His name is Preston Ross, no relation to the director Preston Sturges, and he's from the Latent Prints department. Get it? "Prince" -- "prints"! Arf arf. John looks suitably mortified. Preston continues, "I have a chart right here. Do we have somewhere I can post them?" Sip and Ricky waggle their eyebrows some more in a you-can-post-yer-chart-right-here-bub gesture, and lead him to a room. Preston is a freaky dude, but he knows how to read fingerprints. Of three sets on the gun, he feels it is the greasy, third set that belongs to the shooter of Joaquin's brother. During his little prints presentation, Sip and Ricky change their expressions from dubious to impressed. "Don't thank me," says Preston. "Thank the technology." Ricky says, "You thank the technology for us. You probably understand it better." Well duh, he is the expert. Preston, all overcome with the tenderness Ricky and Sip have shown him, says, "I'll just have a moment." What the! Am I watching Ally McBeal all of a sudden? Ricky says, "Have a doughnut." And Preston the Latent Prince repeats the phrase with such gravity that he's either aware of what a cliché it is for cops to eat doughnuts all the time, or that no one has ever extended a kind gesture to him in his line of work. Have a doughnut, indeed. Have a doughnut, everyone!
After some establishing shots of the street, Joaquin and The Widow Mrs. Enrique enter the station. She has her eyes cast on the floor and looks weak. Joaquin is very protective of her. Di and Kirky shake her hand and say they are sorry for her loss. The Widow Mrs. Enrique says she recognizes each of their voices, ever though she didn't speak to them at the scene -- she had locked herself in the bathroom, Joaquin helpfully remembers for us. He also says he tried to shoot "that son of a bitch" who killed Mr. Enrique but "that son of a bitch" got away. Okay. Sip asks Ricky to fetch photos of possible suspects as The Widow Mrs. Enrique says, a little brusquely, "So, what do you wanna ask me?" Oh, no questions ma'am. You and Joaquin seem just about as innocent as anyone could be. Not! "Let me see if I can collect myself...I was in the kitchen getting his Maalox and cereal." What? Together? Gross! "...When I heard the shots I came running into the living room and saw the killer trying to go through my husband's pockets. When he saw me, he ran. I didn't get a good look at him...he was a black guy, big, around thirty." O.J. strikes again! Oh right, O.J. isn't thirty. Sip comes over and asks her to take a look at some photos. Without looking at him, The Widow Mrs. Enrique says darkly, "I don't recognize your voice." Then she reluctantly agrees, but says, "I still don't waive my right not to testify." Kirky leads Joaquin away to another part of the office and The Widow Mrs. Enrique shuffles through the photos -- of big, black men, we can assume. Then she explodes: "What the hell is HE doing here!" It's a photo of some neighborhood guy. "He's a bum who goes through people's trash and sleeps in alleys. He walks with a limp. The guy who shot my husband took off like a jackrabbit. What are you people DOING with the taxpayers' money!" Ding ding ding! That bell going off is both mine, triggered by the phrase "you people," and every cop on this case for being insulted by The Widow Mrs. Enrique. Make that every cop on the NYPD. Hold on there, Widow. John shoots her a look and Ricky mutters, "So much for ground balls." The Widow stands up and begins to speechify: "Before Rico got shot, the phone rang three times. The last time I made him answer...the last words I heard him say were 'kiss my ass, die you dirty creep.' He wasn't like that often!" Joaquin grabs her arm and says, "I'm taking her home!" His parting shot to John as they exit is a muttered "...take the whole day off work...." Sip says, "He's a candidate for the homicide," and Ricky, Kirky and Di all break their heads off at the neck by nodding too vigorously.
Preston the Latent Prince enters, and Sip says, "You got the heart to tell him..." Everyone shakes their head "no" and scurries off. Preston says, "Let me know when you make a collar up on this...wow. Glad to be on the team." He shakes Di and Kirky's hands and exits. Sip blinks about fifteen times like an owl.
The camera waves us around the gritty streets until it becomes clear that time has passed, then waves us back over to the station house. Di and Kirky are doing some paperwork and Kirky asks if she should ask about the negotiations regarding Don's deal. Uh, NO! Di says no too. Then Medavoy sidles in and says hi. Di and Kirky tell him the three calls to the Widow and Mr. Enrique all came from the same cell phone. They're waiting for "the pedigree" on that. Medavoy starts dancing around the fax machine, saying he's waiting for a fax about a "credit apps snafu." Kirky looks through the documents in the tray and Medavoy gets all antsy. To change the subject, he brings up the news about Martinez. Kirky is surprised; she hadn't even heard he was applying. Medavoy says that Martinez "plays it close to the chest." Then a fax comes in, and before Medavoy can dive across and intercept is, Di grabs it. It's about the cell phone calls. They came from a Larry Watson. Medavoy makes a crack about "the information superhighway. Proceed at your own peril!" Whatever. ["Shout-out?" -- Wing Chun] Di goes, "Anyway, it's great about James." Medavoy stammers that he thinks it's great too (but clearly means the opposite), and as Di and Kirky leave, he repeats to the empty room, "Just great."
Sip and Ricky are hauling a rather decrepit-looking black man up the steps. He's loudly saying, "The whole situation is bad." I think he's drunk. Sip asks, "Are you still chewing that gum?" The man says he swallowed it. "Give him more gum!" yells Sip. The stinky guy says, "I know I have bad breath! It feels like I slept with dog crap in my mouth." Oh, GROSS! Di and Kirky come down the steps and say they're going to go collar Larry Watson for making the cell phone calls. Sip orders no one in particular to toss Stinky in the pokey.
In an interrogation room, another cop is waving a piece of gum at Stinky like a lion tamer waves a chair at a lion. "Sugar rots your teeth," says Stinky, "And I got a horror of dying toothless." Seems fair. Like a dental Apocalypse Now, you know, "the horror...the horror!" Sip and Ricky come in, finally say "Tyrell" is the man's name, and Ricky mentions the homicide. "Whoa!" Tyrell is stunned. Sip says that the case seems open and shut, that his prints are on the gun, and that he "doesn't see a Johnny Cochran getting [Tyrell] off for this." Tyrell collects his stained rags about him and gets into story mode: "Stand back, cause I'm coming with it all. I was circulating for useful disposables when I heard the shots. A firefighter jumped up! Boppity bow bow! Then I saw a brother come running. Boppity! Then out the first floor window there's a big old fat old...blaow! The brother drops the shotgun and takes off. I touched the gun, but then I left it be. And that's all I had to do with no murder." Di and Kirky come in with some photos and lay them out in front of Tyrell. Sip asks rhetorically, "Think we want you on a witness stand?" Tyrell places his finger squarely on one of the photos. Sip goes, "Whew."
Medavoy is watching MTV's The Real World -- I mean, "staring at a fish tank." John comes up and gives him the fax Medavoy was waiting for. "You must have something on your mind," comments John. Wow, good call! John must have eyes in his head! Medavoy goes into his song and dance about Martinez passing the sergeant's exam. John didn't know that! It was "unbeknownst" to Medavoy too. "Am I happy? Of course I am. But a boss never has a partner." And more blah blah blah about how sad he is to lose Martinez. Then he says, "Thanks for having my back, John." John says, "Of course," and Medavoy rushes to explain that that was a figure of speech. Looking bummed, John buckles his trousers up and puts his bottle of lubricant back in the drawer. Just kidding, he just shoots Medavoy a "Duh" look and, once again, the homophobia on this show is bugging me.
Sip and Ricky are now dragging another black man into the interrogation room. Arrest black men much? This guy is handsome and well-dressed though. It's Larry Watson. Larry says affably, "Jeez, it stinks in here, fellas." Sip snarls something about a bum having just been in there -- a bum who was a witness to the shooting. "What?" asks Larry. They tell him about the three calls traced to his cell phone. Larry brightly suggests, "Maybe someone used my phone." Is that your final answer, Larry? No. Then he says, "Come on, you know they can clone the phone number." Sip growls, "Yeah, there's a whole criminal element out there that exploits every technological niche." Larry starts to lose his brave face and says, "Oh yeah, I tried reaching a friend, but kept getting the wrong number." Then Sip relays that the "world's greatest expert" has gotten his latent prints off the murder weapon, and the widow will be there to ID him at any minute. "I hope your personal relationship with Governor Pataki will help to get you off." Finally Larry says, "The guy that hired me was a big fat slob...and tried shooting me afterward. I wiggle pretty good, don't I?" Sip and Ricky exchange looks.
Downstairs, Kirky and Di are leading The Widow in. She is such a bitch, saying, "I'll tell you, I am so full of public outrage over the way I am being treated." Kirky murmurs her thanks for The Widow's co-operation.
Some dick -- whoops, I mean another detective -- stops Di and asks her to talk about Don's deal. I already do not care. His name is Denby. He and Di go outside.
The Widow continues, "If you try and get me to identify a street bum, a can collector, as the guy who shot my husband, I'm going straight to the National Enquirer." Kirky says, "You got a deal." She hates The Widow too.
Outside, the dick is telling Di that "none of this is out of school," and that if Kirky has any knowledge about what Don was doing, even a "peripheral connection," it might help Don. Di says (a few times) that Kirky had no idea what Don was doing and had nothing to do with it. The dick says that Don indicates otherwise, and that his "sole interest is her telling me what [he] can use to get her ex up in the air." The camera waves over to him jerking his thumb up. I am so SICK of this already -- let Don twist in the wind!
Sip, Ricky and Joaquin are sitting on a bench, looking glum. Behind the two-way mirror, The Widow is yelling, "Not for all the tea in China will I testify!" Well, how about for all the Chins in the Chinese phone book? No? Damn -- that's all we've got. She continues: "This ID, if I make it, is for ID purposes only." What the hell is The Widow talking about? Di is like, "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Just say if you recognize anyone and where you recognize them from." The Widow bleats, "Oh my god," waves her arms like she's doing yoga, and bursts out, "Lift the fricking shade!" There are a roomful of black men inside. The Widow starts screaming, "Oh, you dirty bastard!"
In the hall, Ricky and Sip start talking about her making what sounds like a positive ID, and that the only thing saving that guy in there would be if he made a statement: "Full disclosure showing co-operation and remorse." Joaquin mulls this over.
The Widow comes out and hysterically says, "The SOB that shot Rico is in there! Come on and take me home, I don't want him seeing me!" Joaquin says, "I may have some facilitating information that I should provide while some aspect of the case is still open." The Widow acts shocked and surprised and yells, "Joaquin, did you ruin my life expectations because you had a hard-on for your brother's wife!" Di and Kirky offer The Widow a ride and lead her away. Fancy comes out just in time to hear Joaquin say, "My brother was a prick. I though that if she loved him, she could love me." Sip says, "Jail is sometimes preferable to what you would have wound up with." What a dick -- saying that jail would be better than living with that horrible woman! How do they know she wasn't in on it too? Fancy makes a face.
After the commercials, Di and Kirky come in making fun of The Widow. "She's probably writing a personal ad right now: 'Recent widow seeks meal ticket.'" Then Kirky asks what Denby wanted. Di says she doesn't know if she trusts the guy, but that he needs to know if Kirky could have, in any way, helped Don with his deliveries. Sure, says Kirky: "I could have dropped off pastries his mom made for private parties." Denby would unfound it, "as long as it was unintentional." Kirky is relieved to learn that Don could have no leverage, and she and Di hold hands. Di is still unsure about Denby and says, "Let me get into him a little." Mmm-hmm.
So, Martinez comes up to Fancy in the bathroom and tells him about passing the sergeant's exam. He was 67th on the list, and they're taking the first hundred applicants. Fancy tries to discourage him, but Martinez says that wife wants him off the streets. Fancy gets a wide, fake smile on his face and says it's great and that he's happy for Martinez. No, he isn't! Then Fancy leaves, and Martinez looks kind of bummed. Oh well, onward and upward.
Di's on the phone with Denby when Ricky comes in. Immediately, she makes it sound like she's making a date. Ricky gets all squirmy and jealous and then Mary comes in to look at their files (sure), and Ricky becomes wooden and withdrawn, like most people do when their lover comes in the room. Di really enjoys this and after Mary leaves, tells Ricky she's "cute." Then she knocks the books out of Ricky's arms and runs away screaming.
At Smitty's, the Irish cop bar du jour, Denby is drinking scotch and telling tales, as if Di wants to learn his personal history. Di is sipping water and looking grossed-out. Denby has "admittedly, a small problem with alcohol." Yeah, join the club, bub. Denby starts talking in the third person and asking if Di has "seen the light," and finally asks if she has a message from Kirky for him. Then he asks for a peck on the cheek in exchange for information about Don's case. She does it (!), and he pops a tiny boner (tm xix) and tosses back the rest of his drink. "Don't you feel like an asshole?" Di asks. He touches her hand and says that the prosecutor on Don's case is a wuss, because they already have enough info to put the drug dealers away. Then he asks for a real kiss in exchange for the rest of the info. "Screw you," says Di. "You were a decent guy this morning. You must hate yourself." Denby, three sheets to the wind at this point, says, "Often I don't even remember what it was I said." Di says, "You're a prick," and KISSES HIM ANYWAY! He pours more liquor down his throat as she growls, "You better tell me..." He says that the prosecutor's boss will make a case with or without Don, and that Kirky should sit on whatever info she has. Di leaves and there's a shot of all the empty glasses on the table in front of Denby as she heads out the door. And that's another beautiful episode!