Okay, a man falls in the subway and supposedly dies, but his brain is rescued and put in the body of an artificial super-guy who's supposedly super hot and funny, but he isn't really, and the guy who "died" in the subway is "living" in the hot bod of this new dude, and he misses his wife and daughter, okay?
Dr. Mastermind sits in front of the lap pool in the Gilded Gym. The lights are soft and romantic. He calls out, "Do you have it on? Are you coming out?" Our Artificial Guy comes out in some kind of sexy jumpsuit and the Doc says, "Stop. Turn around." A.G. obliges and the Doc moans in delight: "The perfect synthesis of form and function." Um, hello, it's a JUMPSUIT, there is nothing perfect about a jumpsuit. Jumpsuits are perfect for dorks, maybe, but that's it. Then the Doc says, "Flip the switch," and A.G. is like, "Can the kids sing and turn the lights out first?" God, this show has kinks I don't even know about! Then A.G. pushes a button on his sleeve and the suit LIGHTS UP like reflector tape. The Doc says languidly (and I'm not loading this up, much), "Wow. Look at you." A.G., clueless as ever, asks, "What's the point of all this? You're not going to run ads on me. I'm an artist. I won't allow myself to be used that way." Hee! A.G. has indie cred. Right, he's a whore just like everyone else on TV. Even the Simpsons sell candy bars. Then Dr. M. goes into a speech about how, if this magical jumpsuit works, A.G. will be "used to protect the country." A.G. cracks that if he had known that, he "would have worn clean underwear." See what I mean about the kinks in this show? The Doc goes on about how the light-up suit can be seen from miles away and from altitudes of up to thirty thousand feet, and A.G. is like, thirty thousand feet? and the Doc is like, yeah, you're going to jump out of a plane, and A.G. is like, snuh? I don't think so! And the Doc grabs him, making the suit un-light like a freaking wearable Clapper, and says, think again!
It's a beautiful night in Central Park. Right in the middle of a meadow is the oh-so-subtle Toys B Fun truck. Inside lurk many generals and an ecstatic Dr. M. On a TV screen we see A.G., up in a plane, asking, "Where's my parachute?" So it's a FLYING jumpsuit. Dr. M. is pitching the generals on the miracle jumpsuit and A.G. is whining, "Nobody told me I wouldn't have a chute. I'm not doing this! Uh, did you know there are people up here with GUNS?"
It's stormy. Thunder and lighting are out doing their boom-boom stuff. A.G., ever hopeful, asks, "You want to call off the game?" Dr. M. makes another pitch about how these conditions are impossible to replicate and that it will be a good test. The generals and Dr. M. all pile out of the truck to stand around in Central Park, looking up at the stormy sky.
Because of the scream we hear though Dr. M.'s earpiece, we can assume that A.G. has jumped/been pushed. And look! Up in the sky! It's a glowing blob! It's a day-glo weather balloon! No, it's A.G. falling through the sky in the light-up jumpsuit! Finally he stops falling and just hangs in the atmosphere. Whew, not. The generals applaud.
Cut to Heather's face, looking up at the sky. She's in a car with a dude (woooo!) and another couple in the front seat, who are totally making out. The dude in the back seat with her asks, "Is this happening, or is this not happening?" Honey, if you're talking about this show, it is SO not happening. The girl up front unlocks her lips long enough to ask Heather, "You cool?" Hell yes, Heather is cool. And responsible. "You know, I told my mom we were going to the library." "We are!" chirps the make-out gal, "after this." The dude Heather's with looks out of the window cramming his head to Heather's head to make it in the shot and asks, "What are you looking at?" Heather sees a light in the sky. It's a star, says the dude. No, stars aren't that low, says Heather. "So, it's the blue fairy coming to turn Pinocchio into a real boy." Heather wisely opens the door, says, "See you in school," and leaves. What teen boy talks about old freaking Disney cartoons? Loser. Heather moves through the park on foot, alone, in the dark.
Back over in the middle of Central Park, all the generals and Dr. M. are getting rained on as they talk to A.G., still floating and glowing thousands of feet above the earth. "Get that super-Hoover to suck me down," yells A.G., and I am not TOUCHING that one. Dr. M. says they're sending a plane to pick him up. Like a taxi, but in the sky? Oh boy.
Cut back to Heather walking in the park, alone, in the dark rainy night. Oh Lisa, do you know where your daughter is? Then KABOOM goes some lightning and Heather, all lit up, throws her head back...and...
Theme song! Give me a sign! Unh!
A.G. is lying on the ground. Dr. M. stands over him: "Hello, Mister Wiseman? Can you hear me?" A.G. asks what happened. He should have asked, 'Did I enjoy it?' Anyway, "they" couldn't get a plane up there to rescue A.G. and he ended up falling to earth, and he hit his head. A.G. weakly says, "Remember when I asked for a parachute? The time, humor the artificial bastard and get him a parachute." Dr. M. just says, "We need to talk." Oh no, is he going to break up with A.G.?
In the limo, Dr. M. starts speechifying: "When we started this, I told you to put your family out of your mind. It was a good rule. But men make rules...God helps fate." Oh man, maybe Dr. M. is going to ask A.G. to MARRY him! A.G. says, "I just fell out of the sky. Help me out." Dr. M. drops the bomb that A.G.'s daughter Heather was hit by lightning and is very badly hurt. Oh no!
In the hospital, Lisa-Mom is rushing down the hall, being briefed by a doctor. Heather is in a deep coma. Lisa-Mom says, "Oh my God." Heather was carrying a library card; that's how the hospital knew to call Lisa-Mom. Uh, writers? We don't need to know how the hospital knew to call a patient's mom. Is the library card going to come back into the plot somehow? I think it was Chekhov who said if you have a library card in the first act, it had better go off in the third.
In the limo, A.G. is grabbing his head melodramatically. Dr. M. tells him that he can't just go walking into the hospital. "Why'd you even tell me?!" whines A.G. Dr. M. laconically says, "Because I didn't want you to spend the rest of your...existence...not getting one last look." Oh, how macabre. Then the doc says they "have a man inside" who can give a moment-to-moment update on Heather's condition, and that A.G. should be prepared to say goodbye. Jeez, if I didn't already know this was a rerun I would be bumming.
Cut to Lisa-Mom by Heather's bedside. Lisa keeps repeating, "Heather sweetie, wake up and squeeze mommy's hand. Come on, Heather sweetie..." and the machines to which Heather's hooked up beep away.
The limo cruises by a big sign that reads "Phelps Memorial Center." Dr. M. is on his cell phone, uh-huh-ing away as A.G. grinds his teeth in frustration.
Lisa-Mom is keeping up her come-on-snap-out-of-it patter, and a priest comes into Heather's room. Ooh, is Heather possessed now? No, the doctor sent the priest in for comfort. Oh no! Heather is flatlining! Doctors rush in with paddles and Lisa-Mom and the priest start to pray, ugh. Religion is the television of the masses, or something.
Back in the limo, Dr. M., still on the phone, makes the oh-so-annoying "just one moment" gesture that is one finger held up -- and no, not THAT finger. A.G., losing it, punches out his window. Dr. M. gets off the phone to report that Heather is not doing so well. "She's had a seizure." A.G. flings the limo door open and says, "That's it. I'm going up." Dr. M. grabs him and hisses, "Don't make a fool out of me! If you go in there I can have a dozen sharpshooters to take you down so fast there will be a breeze." Oh please, NO ONE BELIEVES THAT anyone will kill A.G. Dr. M. loooves him too much for that. "Let's do this my way." Fine, hurry up!
Dr M. has some kind of Bat Rope, and A.G. shoots it up to the roof so that it wraps around a pipe and then begins pulling himself up. Heather's on the fourth floor. Dr. M. says, "Be discreet." I say, ha ha, too late for that.
A.G. climbs slowly. Heather flatlines again. The pole bends and A.G. drops a few feet. The faux-tragic hallelujah music starts up. The priest says, "God, have mercy on your servant." Please, Heather is nobody's servant. A.G. makes it up to her window and -- clap on -- the light-up jumpsuit LIGHTS UP. Heather comes to, looks up and sees A.G. in his Electric Jumpsuit, and says, "Wow." Dr. M., from the ground, hisses, "What are you doing? Shut that suit off!" A.G. does and continues staring in at Heather. Heather says, "What happened? Did anyone see that guy out the window? I heard a voice talking about angels and saints and I saw one! He was really brave, and really beautiful." I really have to barf. Lisa grabs Heather's hand and, totally ignoring her, says, "Mommy's here, and everything's going to be okay." A room full of doctors and nurses and priests and a MOM and NO ONE SAW the lit-up guy? My mom would have at least looked out of the window.
Over at the Gilded Gym, Dr. M. has a stack of two-by-fours and is commanding A.G. to break each one with a different body part. A.G. is asking permission to call the hospital to check on Heather. Dr. M. says, "No. Elbow." A.G. smashes a board with his elbow and asks, "Do you have any kids?" Dr. M. says that information is "irrelevant. Fist." A.G. guesses that he does in fact have kids, and wonders if Dr. M. got them "the old-fashioned way or from a kit." Hee! Dr. M. positions another board and says, "Head." A.G. says coyly, "Do I have to? What'll you give me?" No comment. Dr. M. says, "Maybe I do know a little something." A.G. breaks the board with his head and then woozily falls down. "This had better be good," he says. Dr. M. says that Heather was released from the hospital two days ago and should be heading off to school NOW.
Over at "home," Heather is watching her mom break eggs in a bowl, and asks if God made eggs knowing that would be snatched from their chicken-mothers to become food. Wuh? Lisa-Mom asks if Heather has questions about sex, or if Heather is trying to tell her that she wants to become a vegetarian. Well, has Heather been playing lots of Smiths records lately? That could be another sign of latent vegetarianism. And it's OKAY -- I have a lot of vegetarian friends. Heather says, "The angel was so beautiful...there must be a god, and he or she must be amazing, and then you think about eggs or stuff you see on the news...and what happened to Dad." Lisa-Mom sighs and says, "Honey, people eat eggs, and chickens, and people caused the accident." Heather goes, "Do you believe I saw an angel?" Lisa-Mom says, "Heather, you were struck by lightning." Heather continues, "Have you known me to be a deeply religious person? Don't I get a stomach-ache every Sunday morning? Take the presents out of Christmas, and I'm really not interested." Lisa-Mom says, "But you were the best third wise man in the pageant last year." Heather won't be shaken and says, "God chose me. He/she did it for a reason. I think I'm supposed to spread the word." Lisa looks scared and reminds Heather that it's her first day back at school. "Maybe you want to go easy on the wording and the spreading." Hee hee. Heather looks disappointed and asks, "Are you ashamed of me?" Lisa says, "Just keep it low-key, okay?" Then Heather leaves the kitchen and Lisa says, "Jeez Louise." Don't you mean Jeanne D'Arc?
At school, Heather's doodling as her bearded-'n'-argyle-sweatered cliché of an English teacher is babbling on about romantic imagery in The Natural: Lighting hits a tree, and from the tree a character makes a bat which only hits home runs. Zzz. Oh, sorry, I'm awake. The teacher calls on Gretchen, make-out-car-girl, and she helpfully says, "Heather was hit by lightning!" The teacher stupidly says, "Wow! What was that like?" Heather, who looks irritated to be disturbed from her doodling, says, "I wouldn't recommend it." Hee hee! "There was a flash, and it hurt." Gretchen, uber-blabbermouth, adds, "She was in a coma!" Oh, SHUT UP Gretchen! The teacher, who smacks of first-day-on-the-job, stupidly says, AGAIN, "Wow again! Who was the first person you saw when you came out of it? Was it your mom, the doctor? What did they say?" Heather gets a look on her face like, it's word-spreading time!
The bell rings, and Heather's class empties out, with lots of whispering and giggling, and a little pointing. A Randy Newman song starts up and Heather says, "What, that's what happened!"
We see a sign that reads "Principal's Office." Heather is outside, looking rightfully peeved. The dude Heather didn't make out with at the start of the show casually rolls up: "Hey, is your mom in there?" Heather says yeah. The dude sits to her and says, "An angel? A freaking angel?" Heather ignores this and says tersely, "I got your note; it was nice." The dude continues, "Why are you telling everyone you saw an angel?" Heather yells, "'Cause that's what happened!" The dude says, "How do you think this reflects on me?" Oh, the selfishness of youth. Heather flips out as much as a person can when they're sitting outside the principal's office and says, "It DOESN'T! Poor you! Why don't you try waking up with it everyday!" The dude shrugs and, as he leaves, asks, "So was he good-looking?" Heather yells, "GO AWAY!" The dude says, "People think you're crazy! They think the lightning nuked your brain." Heather snaps, "What do you think?" The dude doesn't know what he thinks. Hold on, he'll go ask his friends and get back to you. A sad piano starts up and other kids walk by and laugh and point. Heather looks glum until a super cute boy walks up and asks, "Are you Heather Wiseman?" Heather looks all "boing!" The cutie says, "I'm Brian, I work for The Bugle." Heather's like, the school paper? Yeah -- and Brian wants an interview! Woo hoo! Heather beams. Things are looking up!
Heather and her mom get into the family car. "So how much trouble am I in?" asks Heather. "The principal thinks you should spend more time at home," says Lisa. Is that legal? Heather says, "People think I'm crazy." Lisa-Mom parrots, "People don't think you're crazy." Oy, get the hook. Lisa quits cracking wise and says, "I think a week and a half ago you almost died. Maybe it is a miracle that you're here. And maybe miracles come in bunches." Like bananas? Lisa concludes, "Maybe we should keep them to ourselves." Yeah, shutting up really gets people places.
The stupid Randy Newman song starts up again as we get a hilarious montage of the Bugle printing with Heather on the front page, then kids gathering in groups to read and point and laugh, then the same bunch of kids go to the hamburger joint after school reading and laughing at the school paper with the headline being: "Girl at death's door sees angel," then they leave the paper and a grown-up looks at it.
Heather comes into her mom's bedroom and says, "Mom? I think we have a problem."
There's a mass of media people and camera crews on their front lawn! Bling-blong! That's the reporter from Action News 3! Knock knock knock! That's the local newspaper guy! I am so sure a story in a school newspaper would have gotten this much hoo-ha! Heather says, "Oh God," and Lisa shushes her, saying, "He's the one that got us into this!" Hey! That's he/she! Another lady knocks on the door and says she saw the face of a man in the glass.
A.G. is doing pull-ups. Work that body! Dr. M. comes in with a newspaper and says, "We have a problem. Your daughter is on the verge of becoming a prophet. You and that damn suit..." A.G. is impressed: "Wow. Send that to Ripley and he wouldn't believe it." So, because of Heather's report of seeing a light in the northern sky, other people are saying they remember it too, and all testing on the floaty jumpsuit-thing has stopped. "Your little girl is bringing the government to its knees." Wow, cool! "So what do you want me to do?" asks the clueless A.G. "Visit her again," says Dr. M.
In the limo, Dr. M. is giving A.G. his instructions. "You're to tell her you're going to appear in the southern sky at eight o'clock." A.G. says, "People think she's a kook." Dr. M. says, "The Red Sea hasn't parted in a while." A.G. was all psyched to scale the wall to Heather's bedroom, but Dr. M. suggests he just use the key everyone hides outside their front door. "Just walk in, turn on the suit, give her the message and leave. Don't get close enough for her to touch you -- that will ruin the illusion. And don't hug her, either." Killjoy.
A.G. uses the hidden key to let himself in, and creeps upstairs to Heather's room. He turns on the suit and goes inside, with the incredibly squeaky door waking her. She looks stunned, and thrilled. He says, "Hi. Last time I saw you, you were in the hospital. You look better. Don't speak! Tell everyone they can see me tonight, just like they did before, but in the southern sky. I never meant for any of this to hurt you." Heather says, "Can I wake my mom?" That's a negative, little lady. "Wait! If you see my daddy, tell him I love him." A.G. shivers a little and says, "He knows." Aww! The tender mood is killed as Randy Newman starts singing again.
Randy Newman carries over to the school, where Heather starts spreading the news about the angel-sighting-to-be. Sure, just run an item in The Bugle; the whole town will know in minutes. Actually, Heather just whispers to Gretchen, a.k.a. Supermouth, who plays whisper down the lane better than anyone.
Now it's dark. A ton of people are assembled in the park all staring at the sky. Go Supermouth! Lisa-Mom asks, "Is that you trembling or me trembling or the ground trembling?" Heather says, "Only twenty more minutes."
Across town, A.G. is lying on his bed in the Gilded Gym.
Gretchen, her boyfriend, and the Dude all come up to Heather and Lisa-Mom. They ask Heather if she wants to stand over there with them, away from moms and other icky grown-ups. Heather says no and the Dude looks bummed.
Dr. M. pokes his head around the corner to say "evening" to A.G. A.G. jumps up: "We have ten minutes! Where's my suit? What's going on?" A.G. could not be dumber than if he were actually made of rock. Dr. M., all bubble-burst-y, delivers this speech: "What better way to prove to people that there's nothing to see, than to invite them to see nothing." Sure, and if you don't master fear, fear will become your master! And if the strong are sometimes weak...oh, you get the idea. A.G. yells, "You tricked me into lying to my child!" No dude, you did as you were told without asking questions! Lesson learned now? Oh wait, this is a repeat. A.G. cries, "I can't let this happen!" Dr. M. heartlessly says, "It is." A.G .just goes to LEAVE (hello, this isn't allowed!) and Dr. M. gives him a math problem to do: "Your maximum speed is thirty-five miles per hour, and you're twenty miles away." A.G., too dumb to let anything like math get in his way, says, "I'm going!"
Over at the park, some guy yells, "It's 8 PM!" A large WOOSH noise sounds. The guy says, "Man, that's a plane! It's just a plane."
The oft-sampled "Funky Drummer" starts up and we see A.G. run run through the streets. Look out, cars! He's using the middle of the road!
Back at the park, some guy yells, "Watching the Weather Channel is better than this," and the crowd starts to disperse. I agree, you NEVER hear Randy Newman on the weather channel. As people leave, some knuckleheads say, "Look, there's an elf! Look, there's a fairy!" Then, pointing at Heather, "Look, there's a nut!" The Dude grabs the guy and makes him look in the sky until he's sufficiently intimidated. Aww, he came to Heather's rescue! But she's still bummed at the angel no-show.
A.G. runs and runs until he's behind a tree, right by Heather and Lisa. Lisa, to comfort Heather, gives her a little lecture on the business of faith. Margaret Colin has just the right measure of pluck for this speech: "Faith is believing in someone, something, when all the evidence tells you, SHOUTS at you that it just ain't so. Like God. Like goodness. Like there was an angel in your hospital room. I'm sorry -- 'cause I get it, Heather. I still feel like your dad is here with me." A.G., from behind the tree, smiles. Heather says, "Look, this is getting kind of icky. Do you wanna come get food with me and my friends?" No. "Well then, do you have any money?" They laugh and hug and go off together, and there's Randy Newman, mood killer, AGAIN.
The limo rolls up and Dr. M. gets out, booming, "Well look who's here, the answer to my prayers." A.G. is still leaning on the tree, stupefied. "May I offer you a ride?" A.G. gets in the limo. Twice around the park, James! And don't lower the divider, if you get my drift!