Last time on Now and Again: A regular guy, played by John Goodman, falls in front of a New York City subway train and is killed. Happens all the time, yes? Rather grim for a Friday night on CBS, no? The twist is that, "unbeknownst to his wife and daughter" (and to the rest of his family and friends, we assume), his brain is stolen from the scene and placed into the very buff bod of an artificially produced twenty-six-year-old man with "the strength of Superman, the speed of Michael Jordan, and the grace of Fred Astaire." I'd like to know why such an average person's brain was placed into such a special body, wouldn't you? That's what CBS hopes as well. But wait -- the other twist is that the man really, really misses his wife, daughter and "former life." Well, I guess being artificial and superhuman would get old after a while, but couldn't he think of it as a vacation from his former life before he starts missing it right away? Guess not.
On to the show. Artificial Guy is sleeping in a plush-looking apartment with steel-gray sheets and exposed brick walls. Not bad as far as gilded cages go. The traditional snoozy-dreamy-dozey music is playing; what is that, Dvorak? I should have payed attention in Music Appreciation 101. In pops the caretaker/dr. mastermind/exposition man (I hope), singing a little '70s Motown. "Oooh, child, things are gonna get easier. Ooooh, things will get brighter." Artificial Guy groans, and says, "I had nightmares about that mad scientist Don Cornelius." As he drags himself out of bed and into the shower, more singing, up half an octave: "Someday child, we'll get it together and we'll get it all doo-one, someday when your head is much lighter," then a perfect pause so artificial man can fill in with, "Lighter? My head's removable!" More singing, which thank the lord dwindles into "la la la la la la la's" as Artificial Guy starts complaining: "Why can't I pick my own song to sing in the shower?" And why does Dr. Mastermind have to sit right to the shower? Hasn't he heard of privacy? Oh well; if Artificial Guy isn't human, it ain't dehumanizing. "Good morning Mr. Wiseman!" booms Dr. Mastermind. "Says you! The monotony is killing me!" I'm sure the thrill-a-minute life of an insurance salesman was far better than being superhuman. Artificial Guy goes on to complain that the wake-up, three-meals-interrupted-by-bouts-of-strenuous-exercise routine is getting old. Again, the life of an insurance salesman had more flavor? Dr. Mastermind says that a change is on the way. A trip to the mountians, he says. The mountains, say A.G.? Yes, for survival training, says Dr. M. Survival training, echoes A.G.? Yes, are you deaf and stupid? asks A.R. Oh, and besides being dropped off in the Ariondacks with no food, A.G. will be "stalked" by "staff" with "these": a great big gun. Yikes, right? A.G. holds up his hands and his eyes get all big and wide as he stammers out that he is not, in fact, bulletproof. Really? Dr. M shoots him right in the chest to prove that, in fact, he is. A neat splatter of bright-red blood is smeared on A.G.'s chest by a stagehand, which doesn't mix too nicely with the oil and begins to bead. No entrance wound either. But A.G. doesn't seem to be hurt, so that's good, I guess. I guess the budget for this show went into the fancy NYC apartment and Heather Matarazzo's salary. Oh look, they borrowed some of Michelangelo's drawings of men for the credits. Here they come now. A lady sings "Now and again!" while some guy raps, "We always want what we can't have, unh!" Sort of urban, sort of schmaltzy. Totally corny. ["Totally CBS!" -- Wing Chun]
Since this is CBS, there a lots of ads for Martial Law and 60 Minutes, but none of that horrible Levi's ad with the invisible hootchie and invisible idiot guy. Something to be thankful for!
The black screen reads "Day One." I don't know why -- maybe because it's the first episode of N&A I've ever seen. Then we see Heather Matarazzo and her boobs bounce down the stairs yelling for her mom, who ignores her until Heather says, "My thirty-five-year-old ex-convict boyfriend is here to take me away, but before we leave for the state line he wants to meet you. Would that be okay?" Then the mom sighs, but still doesn't look up. It seems she's blowing off watching an awards show (what kind of TV mom IS she!) with her daughter (say hello to a future of therapy, Heather) to study for a real estate exam. How lame. Heather, being all meta, remarks that you can't watch an awards show alone because " you need someone to mock the proceedings with!" How right you are! And I shouldn't be alone when I watch N&A! I thought Heather had bad parents in Welcome to the Dollhouse. I really, really hate when kids on TV have to parent their parents. Why can't Heather Matarazzo be on a TV show with parents that CARE about her?
Now it's "Day Two," the TV tells me, and we get more sleepy music (Tchaikovsky?) and see A.G. waking up again -- all alone this time. We also learn the epsiode is called "I've Grown Accustomed to His Face". Whoever wrote the lyrics to My Fair Lady, your check is in the mail. A.G. takes a shower, looks over the pool (!) in his apartment, strolls over to the massive Nautilus, plops himself down and announces to the empty room that he's hungry, bored and tired. He even calls out, "Hey big brotha!" because Dr. M is black. Oh, so hip! Not. So we now know that even though he's artificial, he needs to eat and work out. And whine and complain.
Back to the homestead, where Heather bounces down the stairs sing-songing a virtual laundry list of stuff for her mom to do, only to find a conked-out mom snoozing on the couch. She studied so hard she never went to bed! Heather covers her up with a blankey, kisses her head, and goes off to school. Can I just say again I hate hate HATE it when kids on TV have to parent their parents? Well I do.
In the gilded gym, an alarm is going off. A.G. sticks his head in the pool to make it less loud. It looks like that Huey Lewis video.
At home, Lisa (Mom) wakes up. A voice-over says, "What do you have to be so scared about? It's just a multiple-choice test, and life is a multiple-choice test." And let me, the giant pessimist, point out that life is mostly hard and terrible until we die, so there is PLENTY to be scared of, lady. Take time to watch more award shows with your daughter, is my advice. She lies back down on the couch.
The alarm is still going off at the gilded gym. A well-to-do-looking neighbor wanders in and A.G. practically kisses him, he's so happy to see another person. But he's just here about the noise, very affable in that monied-TV-character way. He comments on how "unique" A.G.'s place is, and A.G. thanks him for being "so cool" about the very loud annoying alarm. The neighbor says yeah, but in thirty minutes he'll call the cops. See what I mean about affable? I'd call the police NOW.
Lisa opens the door because a creepy guy has knocked. She clutches her robe about her and says that "perhaps" she's Lisa Wiseman, "and you are?" He's creepy, honey -- way to follow your instincts. He says his name and gives her a card and asks about her late husband. Well, he's dead. But, creepy guy knows that "he's tried to contact" her, and by the look of her wrinkled-up face, she's mystified that he would know that. If A.G. tries again, she's to contact Creepy Guy. Yeah, right! This is the most X-Files-y bit so far, and guess what? I'm not scared.
After another shot of the ersatz Huey Lewis video, A.G. realizes the alarm has been turned off, and he removes his head from the pool. Bloosh, pant pant. In stroll four goons with big ol' guns and orange safety suits à la Silkwood. Now, it's been established that A.G. can take a bullet and not get hurt, so what are these goons afraid of, cooties? They announce that he's coming with them. To the mountains, A.G. wonders? And aren't they taking this Lyme disease thing a little to far? He really said that; I'm not joking around. But A.G. has conditions; he's "hungry -- real hungry.and angry -- real angry, but it's nothing a little chocolate cake won't fix!" Hey! Perhaps when the DOOR WAS OPEN you could have gotten some cake yourself, Wiseman. But I guess part of the shtick is that he has no clue as to what's happening to him, and thus would rather get instructions from a singing doctor than figure things out himself. Must be frustrating. Oh, and the other condition is to lose the guns. Sure.
Another commercial. Stetson smells good, it says.
A.G. and the four goons are cruising down Park Avenue in a van. A.G., bounding around like a dog on a joyride, keeps babbling about the doctor: "Are we going to see the doctor? Did you call the doctor yet? Let's stop for breakfast sandwiches and get one for the doc!" The goons sit there impassively, as goons do, with their great big guns. Notice how the guns are still there? Me too. Then, A.G. realizes (duh!) that they are not in fact going to the mountains, or to get a breakfast sandwich, and swings into action, elbowing one goon in the head and bending the gun of another. One goon leaps out the back of the speeding van and New Yorkers simply drive around him. The driver gets a bent gun around his neck (not the type I'd give the hook to) as A.G. hollers, "Where's the doc?" Then the van crashes and the driver slumps forward, knocked out. A.G. hotfoots it out of the van with the Lo-Fidelity Allstars or something playing in the background. Run run run! Go action go!
Close-up of a guy on the can. See his legs under the stall? Hear the flush? Charming, no? No. Now he opens the door and creepy guy is right outside. Aaah! He asks about Michael Wiseman, and understands there's been "intermittent contact" between him and the guy on the can. The guy who was on the toilet gets shoved onto the floor. Then another person walks into the bathroom and Creepy Guy makes like he washing his hands. Then, EVEN WITH ANOTHER PERSON THERE, he offers $1 million to meet with Wiseman. Stammering à la Porky Pig, the bathroom says that Michael Wiseman is dead. $1.5 million is the final offer. The other person DOESN'T EVEN BLINK.
On the home front, Lisa looks out of the window to see a car parked outside. That must be unusual, because she wrinkles up her head as she cocks it to one side. The sound of a New York City street bleeds over and....
A.G. is on a pay phone. He remembered how to dial 911! He's reporting a kidnapping, because Dr. Morris, "M-O-R-R-I-S," didn't show up to work this morning. No, he didn't call him at home. Yes, he doesn't know what he's doing. So, all Cindy Brady-like, he says "fergit it," hangs up and groans, because he's frustrated, see! The he dials 411 to get the doctor's home number, and gets six (only six? in New York City?) numbers which the oh-so-nice operator gives him all at once. Information does not give out six numbers at a time, but whatever. Along with a clue, A.G. lacks a pencil, so, after another impressive grunt, he pops into a bodega to get one. Wow, he must have gone to the Actor's Studio of Grunting or something. Maintaining racial stereotypes, the bodega is staffed by an Indian lady. Apparently, A.G. has forgotten about the concept of money, because he tries to "borrow" the pencil, which prompts the lady to repeat twice, "sixty-three cents." A black lady, who must have been doing her week's worth of grocery shopping there, she's so loaded down with stuff, gets in on the act and huffs, "Sixty-three cents! Man!" Because no one should have to spell out or even SAY to some idiot that you cannot BORROW a pencil. Repeating the price three times is plain enough. So, with some nice moody pop in the background (with lyrics like "Hey Ho, your prayers will never be answered again,") A.G. strolls through the park and sees a guy doing acrobatics and passing a hat to a crowd. Then we get a close-up of A.G.'s face going Ah so! and a giant light bulb going off over his mug. He got an idea, hooray! First time today! we see two rather fat people siting on a bench, as the camera pulls back to reveal they are being held up over the head of A.G. , he uses only one finger to hold them up. Lots of people toss money into his hat -- even a five-dollar bill. What's the fat people's cut, I wonder? Fat doesn't grow on trees, you know. Back to the bodega, where, upon his entrance, the lady starts repeating "sixty-three cents" over and over again as if she has nothing better to do. No pencil for him this time. A.G wants a pen. "You sure? Dollar ninety-eight!" the lady says. Oh yeah, A.G.'s loaded; he rather crassly flicks the stack of bills with his finger and starts counting them out. Then he buys a pad and, "are those peanut butter cups back you got back there?" Yeah, they usually keep the candy BEHIND the counter, with the pencils.
Cut to a garbage can full of empty peanut butter cup wrappers as A.G. talks (with his mouth full) on the pay phone. "Is Dr. Morris there? Just a Ted? Thanks anyway." Then he hangs up, walks away, and groans. What an actor! But wait -- he walks back to the phone and dials again! He's calling home! Lisa (studying again, we presume), looks at the phone as it rings. The camera tracks over her slowly, and stays on the phone as the answering machine picks up. Then, NYC street noise goes on the tape. Lisa cocks her head. Cut back to A.G., holding the phone and looking wistful. Then he hangs up and Lisa slowly exhales. Whew.
A.G. cruises into a cop station and tries to report Dr. Morris missing, but without revealing his identity. Plus he wants to hang around the station so the good guys find him and if the bad guys do, he'll be safe. The cop humors him. He must be the "good cop." Buh-boom-boom.
Back at home, the phone gets a little more screen time as, after the message plays, the toilet stall guy announces his name (it's Roger) and says he got Lisa's message. Lisa picks up and they both exchange pleasantries and he asks about the test. Then they discuss how creepy Creepy Guy is, and why he might be asking about Michael. Heather comes home and reports that there's a guy in a car out front who watched her come up the walk. Lisa screams, "LOCK the DOOR!" and Roger squawks through the phone that he's coming over.
Back at the police station, A.G. is summoned out of his sugar high by the good cop. Good Cop asks "Are you Michael Wiseman? Because if so, you've been straight with me all along!" Then he takes him up some stairs, down a hall, opens a door and bang, out pop more goons in orange suits with guns. The Lo-Fidelity Allstars music starts up, and A.G. leaps over the railing (action!) and runs away. Too bad all those cops and guns couldn't have stopped him. Oh, I mean yay, go, run!
Birth control pills are great, the TV says.
Back at home, mom is studying as Heather looks out of the window. Roger rolls up and lays on the horn. Mom gets all frustrated, like WHY won't he just come IN? Then the phone rings and they both stop what they're doing to look at it. Mom has the presence of mind to bobble her head at the sing-songy-ness of the message and Heather looks like she's really cracking up. Roger announces that someone followed him and he thinks he could be in danger. Honking seems understandable, in that case. Deciding to go to him, Lisa gets the coats and Heather gets her mom's books.
After hustling down the walk to the car, Lisa and Roger step all over themselves saying in unison, "He gave me this," as they each whip out Creepy Guy's business card. Heather, in the back, asks where they might be going. "Isn't the point of having a car to MOVE? And if some guy is following us, aren't we making his job a lot easier by sitting in the driveway?" How right you are, Heather. But she gets shushed by the faux grownups, and as they discuss calling the number on Creepy Guy's business card, he pops up and talks to them through the open passenger side window. Guess they didn't see or hear him coming! Mom screams at Heather to get out and go to Gretchen's (whoever she is), and not to leave until she calls there. As she hightails it, Creepy Guy makes a speech. "Who are you protecting? Your government? The organization I work for heard of your husband; why are you keeping this secret?" "What secret?!" Lisa manages, and then Creepy Guy says, all ominous-like, "Do you want to see where your husband has been living for the last ten months?"
Back at the gilded gym, A.G. is climbing up a cable to look in the window. He sees a few more orange-suited goons playing -- no lie -- Go Fish. What idiots. He looks around on the street below (nice Toys B Fun truck, CBS set dressers) and then, a car pulls up. It's Lisa, Roger and Creepy Guy! Lisa starts to laugh and Creepy Guy asks "what is so humorous?" I don't know, why is your ass so tightly clenched? Because Lisa and Roger are being so literal and Scully-esque, they think it's funny that Creepy Guy is so obsessed with the idea that Michael is alive. Lisa says, I know who lives here, and it's a guy called Newman. No, Wiseman, says Creepy Guy. No, Newman says Lisa, then the crazy Seinfeld music starts up and Kramer walks in. Just kidding.
So, A.G. looks at the Toys B Fun truck again, and then I guess hops inside, and I guess the truck is really a production truck that controls and monitors the gilded gym. So he gets to watch the scene where Lisa, Roger, and Creepy Guy walk around as he s-l-o-w-l-y spells it out that Dr Morris made this great artifical body but could not synthysize a brain (hello, computers much?) so he had to make an ethical decision...and that...was...to...
In a panic, A.G. hits the huge switch marked "Sprinkler" and, like kitties, they all start screeching as the sprinklers sprinkle, and Lisa and Roger run out, with only an hour and ten minutes until the goddam real estate test. Creepy Guy offers $3 million ("My final offer!") and Roger perks up until Lisa drags him away. Creepy Guy gets in cab, yelling "78th and Second!"
Now it's night time. The cab rolls up, Creepy Guy gets out, and A.G. hops off the top (not very gracefully, I might add). Then he unwittingly walks into the swanky building, where the door lady, very helpfully, provides some exposition. "Are you here for the memorial? Would you like to sign the guestbook or did you do it yesterday at the funeral?" A.G. yeah-sures his way through this and heads up to the service, where (surprise!) a lot of people are wearing black and violins are playing. A.G. picks his way across the room and sits to C.G, who looks like he wishes he had on an orange bubble suit right about now. A.G wants to be taken to Dr. Morris. C. G says okay.
Lisa is huffing and Roger is driving. Lisa, with less than an hour to go before the test, is thinking about bailing. Roger says the funniest line: "I'm not participating in this game that you're playing with yourself!" Someone else please make a joke, I can't right now. "If you want to go hide in the bathroom, go ahead." We've seen that scene, please, not again! "I know scared -- scared is where I live!" Really -- is the rent affordable? "If you want to go home and tell your daughter that you ran away, that would be like failing two tests!" Hello, that makes sense! So Lisa grumps out and harrumphs and pouts some more. Real mature.
Creepy Guy has Dr. Morris tied to a chair, and A.G. runs right over and rips the duct tape off his mouth. Watch the goatee! Ow that smarts. Then C.G. levels a gun on them both and, after asking Dr. M. to "swivel around in his chair," gives them to the count of three to.agree to something, I don't really know what. Dr. Morris is insisting that he did not in fact put a human brain in an artificial body; A.G. is like huh? And so am I -- isn't that the very premise of this show? So one...two...wait, a door opens and a guy in a wheelchair rolls out; it's Lefland of the memorial service! Father, says C.G. Don't shoot, says wheelchair guy. Then we get more exposition, but instead of saying "I" the wheelchair man says "You" as in, "You hear whispers about a doctor that has performed a miracle. You wake up every day racked in pain.so you stage your own funeral. And when you're one of the richest men in the world," you expect to be able to buy an artifical body and have your brain placed into it, yeah yeah. But Dr. Morris cannot be bought (oh, the integrity!) and huffs that he's been kidnapped and is going to the authorities. Begone, says the rich wheelchair guy.
A.G. and Dr. M. stroll down the hall and A.G. wisely comments on the arrogance of that guy. Yeah, a rich person who thinks he can buy whatever he wants -- what arrogance! That's the world we LIVE in, baby. So Creepy Guy weasels his way down the hall after them and mumbles something about understanding their anger and compensating for that, and then a gunshot-like sound rings out from the room they've just left. Oh no! C.G. flings the door open and cornily exclaims "Father! What have you done?" Sounds like he SHOT HIMSELF, you moron! Then the doctor pithily and rather coldly remarks "It looks like the awful truth is we don't all get off scot-free." Well, I think the real awful truth is that most people do, but clearly not in this case. Time to shake your head, or to cheer that the rich guy offed himself -- whichever.
Back at home, Lisa creeps into Heather's bedroom where a vintage Hole poster hangs on the wall! Oh no, Heather is a Courtney Love fan! Yikes! Wait, I think I may have read that in Seventeen or something. So Lisa kisses Heather and she wakes up, mumbling, "Are you just getting in?" See how the mom/kid roles are so clearly reversed here? Yes, and guess what? MOM TOOK HER TEST! Thank the lord. Heather nots that she thought her mom would have "chickened out." Mom gets all huffy before remarking that Uncle (?) Roger helped her out. Heather makes some comment about how Uncle Roger is a big yutz or something like that, and the music swells: "oooh, child, things are gonna get easier!" Roll credits! Things are gonna get brighter!