Hotel. Jessica walks with a friend. Near the elevators, Jessica trips and totally eats it, her bags going flying, her purse emptying out. She and her friend laugh. Then Jessica suddenly doesn't laugh so much anymore and makes a sad-for-herself/maybe-actually-hurt noise.
Theme. Credits. Hugs and kisses and white, white teeth on white, white people. That weird, poorly-thought-out glissando on "We'll get there." This I Swear.
Day. Sunset Blvd. But then the Capitol Records building five miles away. Then to a building I recognize but can't place. Inside, Jessica sits with an older woman, a shock of grey in her hair like she just saw a poltergeist. They're in the woman's lofty studio. I guess this is Jessica's Linda Perry or something. They're going through albums of standards and old songs, trying to find songs for the Jessica Throws Nick A Bone album, an album of duets they're trying to record. They discuss "Take My Breath Away" and then Not Linda Perry asks Jessica if she knows the Commodores or Carole King. No on both. Jessica says that she gets Billy Joel and Billy Idol mixed up. Yeah, I'd love to see Billy Idol sing "Goodnight Saigon." The "And we would all go down together" part would be awesome with the lip curl and the black half-gloved fist in the air. Not Linda Perry's cute assistant laughs; man, she hates Jessica. Jessica doesn't know Bread or DeBarge. The song playing goes "I wanna make it with you," and Jessica thinks they say "bake it with you." Because it's Bread. Even the assistant groans on that one. Jessica laughs like she just made a funny on purpose.
Parking lot. Sagebrush Cantina restaurant. Nick pulls up while on the phone with Drew, who also pulls up. They don't realize they're standing right in front of each other for a minute. Holy crap, they're both wearing exactly the same thing, like they're the Olsen twins. (Are you guys as excited as I am for their new movie? New York Minute? Thought so.) They both wear red caps and white long-sleeve shirts and blue sweat pants. Someone is going Single White Female, and I think his name rhymes with "Ew."
Jessica and the assistant, who I guess is Jessica's assistant rather than Not Linda Perry's, get into Assistant's car. Jessica almost breaks the door on the curb. "Why did it make that noise?" says Jessica, wide-eyed. I'm sure she says that sentence a lot, and others like it. "Why does it shine so much? Why did it run when I tried to pet it? Why does that stuff come out of it?"
Sagebrush. Table. Nick tries to explain the duet album to Drew -- they're trying to do songs that are meaningful to their relationship. Drew thinks they should do "Endless Love." Nick says they're trying to avoid "hokey" songs. (Right, like "Take My Breath Away.") Drew starts singing and bench-dancing. "Rico Suave," he sings.
Night. House. Drew and Nick camera-talk about how they've already done a duet, so the opportunity to do more is something they can't pass up. (Jessica is digging her nails into her hand below camera level, knowing she should follow up this current album with another solo one, and wondering how Nick turned into such dead weight so quickly.) Jessica voice-overs that they're going on tour, doing eighteen different shows in the month. We see a Montage of Touring as Jessica says that they're going to be "promoting their records," which is funny because Nick really doesn't have anything to promote.
Hotel. Jessica opens the door into Nick. Assistant stands by as Jessica gets ready to go do some radio thing. Jessica brats that radio people are so annoying. That's the first smart thing she's said in years. As Jessica and Assistant leave, Nick says, "Love you, baby!" Jessica doesn't answer. Nick is left alone to order up some porn and have a good cry.
Elevator. Assistant tries lamely to hype Jessica up. Jessica says that she's PMS-ing bad. Jessica signs photos somewhere, upset. Jessica walks through a mall, bitching that she didn't get to warm up. Jessica sings at a huge mall. Poor girl. Don't you do that at the "beginning" of your career? They do an insane slo-mo pan of waving fans, but pipe in the most inappropriately loud cheering. They must have cribbed the sound reel from the Beatles playing Ed Sullivan or something. Because all that screaming ain't from Jessica lip-synching in a mall.
After. Jessica says that was awesome and it makes her not complain anymore. She quickly starts complaining, and then gets on another plane. Commercials.
Limo. Dallas. Drive them by the book depository! Jessica says, "Welcome to the Big D." Nick quips, "The Big Disaster. The Big Debacle." Jessica has no idea what he's saying. Nick is actually pretty funny sometimes. Who knew?
Hotel. Jessica looks through a Kama Sutra book as some new girl looks on, helping to unpack. Jessica finds a picture in the book and says, "I don't like that. That scares me." They then discuss tantric sex and the girl, who's way too excited to be in the shot, talks about Sting having sex for eight hours. "Sting, the singer?" says Jessica, who I'm sure has no idea who The Police were. Jessica then says, "Why do they have sex for eight hours? I don't think I would want to do that."
A stretch Hummer picks them up. It's pretty cool, I must say. Jessica picks the ride as the time to inform Nick, "My album went up thirty percent." "Really?" says Nick. Surprise, jealousy, hurt, fear, and pride all wash over his face in the two second pause. Quite astonishing. Feeling bad, Jessica then says they should indeed do the duet thing. Nick says that he's not going to do it for what they're offering. Jessica, knowing he's being a fool, says that she thinks it would be fun. Assistant and the other girl watch. "Absolutely," says Nick, non-committal, seconds away from jumping out of the moving vehicle into traffic. As they arrive at some concert hall, they have an inane conversation about Chuck Norris. Jessica thinks he used to do concerts here. Then she asks if he was a CIA agent, and Nick says that his show was called Walker, Texas Ranger, not Walker, CIA Agent. Then Jessica asks why she thinks she's seen him in a karate outfit. "Yes," people answer, not really making sense with their answer.
The stretch Hummer finds the back entrance. Green room. Jessica complains that her shoes make her feet wet. How? Are they water shoes? Jessica then bitches about how her pedicure is already fucked up and she spent fifty dollars on it just this morning. Nick says they're going back there to get a refund. I don't think he's kidding. Jessica puts napkins in her shoes. Gross.
Walking backstage. Jessica's shoes hurt. The Jingle Ball concert. I guess every city has one. I hate the radio business. They find a weird drawing of them on the concert poster. Jessica notes that her boob is way up near her chin, and Nick says he looks like a boxer who just got whipped in the ring.
Concert hall. Nick carries Jessica onstage. "Wassup, Dallas!"
Hotel. Snow. Jessica asks where they are now. "Providence, Rhode Island," Nick says. Jessica complains that she's tired of putting makeup on and trying to look good. Nick asks if his shirt looks cheesy and Jessica brats, "Nick, give it a rest." Whoa. He makes the sound of a henpecked husband, and she then bitches that she never asks him how her outfits look. Poor Jessica sighs, exhausted. It's draining being so dumb.
Green room. Jessica sings a weird scale and then giggles that she's warmed up. She tells Nick she loves him. She says she's not in a bad mood anymore and that she loved him even when she was, she just doesn't always show it. Nick says she should show it more. "It's better that way." Jessica claims she was in a bad mood because she'd rather be in a mall and shop. Don't worry, Jessica. You'll get your wish soon -- soon you won't have to perform anywhere ever again.
Plane. Denver. Hotel. Elevators. Nick dances, wearing a blue J. Lo. sweat suit. He looks like a moron. Nick dances and Jessica totally disses him, calling him a Smurf. "Just don't do that," she says. Then for good measure she tells him, "It's horrible." Nick then asks how he can look like a Smurf when she picked the outfit out. She says that he looks like a cute Smurf. He counters that all Smurfs are cute. Then she says she was scared of the bad guy on the show, and makes a "Rat-tat-tat tat-tat-tat tat-tat-tat-tat" noise, but then realizes that was from Strawberry Shortcake.
Hotel room. It's a tiny room they got. Ha. It really is. So sad. Downgraded already. Jessica looks around for food, saying, "Rat-tat-tat tat-tat-tat tat-tat-tat-tat." Nick channel-surfs as Jessica says the bed is small and she's going to be on top of him. "Sounds good," Nick says. Jessica says she's sleepy. Nick says they have pots and pans in the little kitchen and she can cook if she wants to. They leave to get something to eat, and Jessica sneezes. She wonders if it's true that your heart stops when you sneeze. They have an awkward conversation, and it's so apparent they're trying to find the funny, trying to find the scene, but there is none, so they just stare at each other until the elevator comes. It's like watching really bad improv comedy, with totally untrained performers with no natural comedic abilities. Like watching SNL.
Later. They get into a van with all their crew. They arrive for some KIIS-FM show. Ah, they have one in every city? Wow. That's terrible. Green room. Nick and Jessica trade warm-ups. They actually don't sound awful. Jessica asks if her butt looks cute in Levi's. Nick says yes. Nick then snorts some medicine or something into his nose, and Jessica gets a disgusted look on her face and says she almost vomits. "Is that snot?" she asks. For someone who loves talking about poo a lot, she's very squeamish.
Stage. Jessica talks to a few screaming fans. Jessica introduces Nick, and he comes out doing patter. They're so Sonny and Cher. Jessica voice-overs how she loves singing with Nick, and Nick put together a rendition of "O Holy Night" that they've been singing on this "tour." As they sing the pinchy, awkward harmonies, we get a montage of touring. Van. Car. Backstage. Wrestling around. Other performances. The song ends. Nick carries her off. Commercials.
Day. New York. Studio. Jessica is doing a series of on-air bits for different shows with Celebrity Stylist Philip Bloch, talking about It-List gifts for the holidays! I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. Meanwhile, Nick is going to a children's hospital. (Ha.) Tons of kids are around, and Nick arrives and signs photos. Some adult tells a kid to ask if he can take a picture with Nick, and the kids says, "No." Hee. Some cute, tiny kid in a wheelchair says, "Nice to meet you." A kid dances for Nick.
Studio. Bloch talks about Jessica's nose; then a PA comes up and says the producer has requested Jessica only in the shot. Bloch is totally insulted. "Well that's a fine how-do-you-do," he says, getting up.
Nick tries to sing some songs. He's going to sing "Rudolph," but some kid keeps heckling him, yelling for "Beyonce." Nick tries to spin it that the kid just wanted him to sing Beyonce's songs, but clearly he just wanted Nick to get the hell out of there. Some girl says she'll baby-sit for Nick and Jessica when they have kids. No, that will be Nick's job.
Studio. Some woman calls in and asks Bloch what would be the best gift for "his wife." He lets Jessica take it, and she says an HDTV is a great gift. Then Bloch whispers to Jessica, "Did that woman really think I'd have a wife?" Hee.
Plane landing. Back in L.A. House. Jessica eats cookies, excited to be back. They head to North Hollywood to a studio to record "Take My Breath Away." Nick jokes that he should have worn his flight suit today -- in keeping with the Top Gun theme of the song. The producer gives a pity laugh.
Nick and Jessica camera-talk, making up some bullshit about how the song has special meaning for them. Jessica says that she always said the first guy who actually takes her breath away, she was going to spend the rest of her life with, and when Nick first hugged her, she had to back up against a wall, she was so short of breath. Lies! Anyway, it was probably just his cologne suffocating her.
They sing. The song is too high for Nick. Nick then says he thought they could have a little dialogue part in the beginning. "Baby, I got something I want to tell you." He's joking, but Jessica keeps stepping all over his bit, telling him he sounds like a Backstreet Boy. Ooh, burn! No, man, he was a 98 Degree-er. That's much…different…somehow. Shot of Creepy Pa Simpson being creepy. More singing. Jessica showboats. "Some great stuff there," says the producer guy. Yeah, some. He quietly says he has to do some work on the song. No shit. Two weeks later -- well, it's at least for sure a different day; they're wearing different clothes -- they gather again to listen to the song. Everyone rocks out. Not Linda Perry. Ma Simpson. Creepy Pa Simpson, all done up like he's Dexter from the Offspring, seriously rocks out, even doing air drums at one point. Yikes. They hold on him for a long time. Ha. Loser. "We got our duet, baby," says Jessica, as they hug.
time on. Nick has some closet people come over -- he's going to surprise Jessica by organizing her closets for Christmas. The closet is a disaster. Then Nick plays Jessica a song he wrote and sang, I guess. Jessica laughs at it. He storms out of the room. "Baby, are you mad cuz I didn't like that song?" Nick tells her to drop it. Jessica then says it's a stressful time, the holidays. They go to Nick's family's house. Jessica says she's not going to eat the mincemeat pie. Nick asks Granny what's in the mincemeat pie. "Meat," she says. "Mmmmm," says Nick. Jessica hates meat. All forms. Airport. Nick asks Jessica if for Christmas she'll give him a "sex guarantee" for the year. "Every day?" she says. "At least three times a week." She laughs, knowing that she'll stick to the once a month thing they're currently on, thank you very much. And that's it. See ya!