Garage. Nick and Jessica get out of their SUV; Jessica carries a shopping bag. Do you think Jessica has ever entered their house without bringing some consumer product into it? Jessica is singing "Oh Come, All Ye Faithful" and she drops her phone trying to get out of the car. Nick laughs. She tells him not to. She's clearly drunk. Nick starts mimicking her singing. She continues, unfazed, and then drops her phone again onto the kitchen floor. It breaks apart. You think Jessica is annoying normally; she must be intolerable drunk. She'd be one of those girls who would have, like, half a Zima at a bar and then would start walking around clutching everybody and close-talking, "Oh my god, y'all. I am so drunk!" with her accent even more pronounced. She'd then tell long stories, getting distracted by shiny objects. Guys would listen to the interminable tales about some shoes or her newest obsession with the idea of learning to play tennis, only because she's so hot. Then eventually she'd stumble outside and borrow cigarettes from people but cough and throw them away after one drag. She'd then steal the one guy her girlfriend liked, make out with him for a while, but then when she realized no one was that interested anymore in their scandal, she'd drop him. The night would end with the friend having to watch Jessica puke, then put her to bed with a warm towel on her forehead and a garbage can by her bed. "Are you mad at me?" would be the last words she'd mumble as she drifted off. And the answer she wouldn't hear would be, "Bitch."
Song. Titles. So weary. So very weary. This I Swear.
Kitchen. Still drunk. Jessica picks up her phone, trying to push the battery back in. From the other room, an also drunk Nick says that he's going to play her a "Christmas Jam" and then yells at her to "Come here!" Nick knows he can only get away with yelling at her when she's drunk. Jessica crouches over her broken phone like it's her dead baby, and does the most annoying Texas sorority mixed with a little Penny Marshall whine: "Nick, I can't even get my thing back iyannnnnnnnn. Nick, it won't come oyannnnnnnn." Chunk-chunk. Blam! (That was the sound of the rifle I'd have to shoot myself with if I were Nick.) To his credit Nick mocks her whine: "I'll fix it in a myanute!" Then he tells her again to listen to this "jam." She says she is listening.
He puts in a CD and plays a crap song made on a Casio with fake sleigh bells. Terrible. Jessica immediately laughs as we hear Nick singing into a terribly unbalanced mic. Nick tells her to ignore the "cheeseball" track; he has some nerve calling the backing music cheeseball while he's singing lyrics about "Ah. Baby. In the falling snow, I'll take a mistletoe. I need you here with me." He's smiling and nodding his head back and forth, loving it. Then Jessica makes a face like someone just farted. He stops the track, and she says, "That's why it didn't make your Christmas album." Ooh, burn. Also, what Christmas album? 98 Degrees'? Nick then says, "That's a fucked-up thing to say. Fuck you." She then drunk-falls down the one stair and stumbles over to him, saying that she simply didn't like the track. He tells her to say it in a way that's "a little less fucking abrasive" time. He bails as she tells him not to be mad that she didn't like the song. He tells her he's not talking to her. Now they're in a full couple argument as she says she doesn't want to be scared of hurting his feelings and he counters, "When have you ever been scared of hurting my feelings?" Yeah! "Baby, I thought you were being funny?" she whines. Nick, obviously having meant the song in earnest and not to be funny, lies, "I was. But, my God. You don't have to be mean about it." Jessica says that there are "lots of songs" she wrote that he doesn't like. What songs? Name one song you wrote. And the little song about Nick's penis that she sings whenever it doesn't want to come out to play doesn't count. Nick finally tells her to drop it and leaves the room. Crack. Crack. Crack. (That's the fabric of their relationship spider-webbing all over the place.)
House. Day. Nick camera-talks that California Closets is coming over to redo Jessica closets as a surprise for her for Christmas. Clearly, this is a Work For Plug situation, but whatever the financial arrangement, it's still quite a nice gesture. Nick leads the two closet people upstairs into a room twice as big as my old New York apartment. It's disgusting. Dirty clothes are everywhere. Nick shows them what he wants as the closet people pretend to look overwhelmed. The guy says that once they get the closet done, it'll be hard to mess up. Nick counters, "You underestimate my wife." Zing! Nick's got some wit, the old boy. I think that Sonny and Cher vibe is really their future -- well, other than divorce. The woman asks Nick if this is all of Jessica's clothes. Nick leads them through the whole upstairs, showing them how Jessica has clothes everywhere. There is a room where clothes are blocking and on top of a large-screen television. They have so much money they can forget about a large-screen television? This I swear. Nick shows another big closet that's also mostly her clothes. There are also clothes on the other side of the house. The woman nervous-talks that she'll get them organized and they have a big job ahead of them and blah blah blah plug-cakes.
Jessica camera-talks that now that they're married, they try to juggle the families at Christmas, so they'll both be doing Cincinnati and Texas this year. The strained muscles on her face as she talks makes it clear that she finds going to see Nick's family a complete burden. You just know the only thing keeping Nick from completely blowing up at Jessica about her parents always fucking being around, and how creepy Creepy Pa Simpson is, and how Jessica in turn acts like it's such a fucking ordeal to see his family, are the cameras. The minute the taping stops: Splitsville, baby.
Christmas songs. Cincinnati. A kid skates. Jessica says she's really happy to have time off. Someone takes their photo as they wait for bags at the carousel. We learn that three things in Jessica's bag are being tested for explosives. "I always knew you were the bomb," puns Nick. (Maybe she was carrying three copies of Nick's latest album. Wock-a!) They both laugh. Nick asks Jessica what they're getting her parents for Christmas. Creepy Pa Simpson is getting a big-screen TV, while Mama Simpson is getting "visits to Dr. Lancer." Is that…? Are they…? Did she buy her mom Botox for Christmas? "Here, Mom. To celebrate the birth of the Baby Jesus, I bought you some poison to inject into your face and paralyze your muscles. Merry Christmas, Christ was born!" Nick then asks what she's buying him, and she says she hasn't figured it out yet. How sweet. He suggests a "sex guarantee" for a year -- sex at least three times a week. He goes on that he wants a "certificate in writing." She finally agrees. "Okay." Like that will last. Commercials.
Montage of Cincy. Trying to make it look cool. Rental car. Nick tells Jessica that Granny is looking forward to seeing her. She lies that she's looking forward to seeing Granny. Then, because she can't be positive about anything but herself for more than half a second, she says that she's not eating Granny's mincemeat pie. She goes on that she doesn't know anyone who makes pie with actual meat in it. It does sound kinda gross.
Granny's table. Nick asks Granny what's in mincemeat pie. Granny says meat and apples. Yuck. He says, "So there really is meat in it?" Bitchy Granny says, "If it's called mincemeat pie, it has meat in it." Oh, burn! Jessica asks why it's brown. Granny says that it's because of the raisins. Well, she didn't mention raisins before. Fucking liar. Granny and Nick eat it. Nick says that it's not bad. Jessica says she doesn't want any. Granny asks if she's "cagey" about what kind of meat it is; she says it's beef. Jessica, bored out of her skull, says that she'll "wait." Because this is what Grannies do, she goes on to humiliate and emasculate Nick (no wonder he settled on Jessica as a wife) by asking how his fingernail biting is going. He says he stopped doing that. "Good boy," she says. Granny then says, "Remember what Granny told ya…" and goes on to remind him to get a manicure whenever he goes to "the barber shop." Hee. Granny's fucking batshit crazy. Nick then says that he's also potty trained. "Good boy," she says again. Then she tells Nick to stop talking so she can eat her "minced pie." Fucking loon.
Back home. California Closets gets their shot-of-the-van plug. Montage of working on the closet. Who let them in? Probably Drew. He's probably not allowed at family functions anymore. Not since "The Incident."
Cincy. The awkward sitting around part of the evening. Little black pug dog. Granny says that she doesn't pick up the dog because it has problem with "anal glands." Jessica laughs. "Around the be-hind," Granny adds. Jessica asks what's wrong with them. "They seep out black tar," says Granny. Everyone laughs. Nick asks if he picks the dog up, it'll seep black tar onto him? Granny then hits Nick. Ow! Nick asks if she can take it to the vet? Granny is very serious about this whole thing. She says that the vet can drain them open like a boil. This is the most disgusting conversation Jessica's ever been in where she hasn't been the main grosser-outer. Then someone takes a big family photo, and then the dog tries to sit on Nick -- he jumps away. "I don't want a dog, Nick," says Jessica.
House. Fast-motion montage of the closet people.
Plane. Texas. Car rental guy gets all in Nick's shit, asking why they're here. Nick says Jessica's family lives in Waco. "That's what I thought," says nosy stalker rental car guy.
Waco. Nick camera-talks that they're at Jessica's grandparents' place, hanging Christmas lights. Big boring conversation about where to hang the lights. Jessica gets annoyed as Nick gives her a empty potato chip bag to take inside. "Yes, sir," she brats as the family gets to work on the trees. Nick yells, "Thanks for your help!" to Jessica inside. Jessica then camera-brats that she was going to originally hire someone to hang the lights for her grandparents, but her cousin wants to do it; that it's tradition. Jessica bitches that she bought it all, but that doesn't mean she has to decorate anything.
Now it's night, and Jessica watches from inside through the window as they struggle to light two mesh deer. Jessica is mad; thank God they're all ignoring her.
The closet work continues. It looks nice.
Day. Another Texas house. I guess Texas gets a lot more time than Cincy does in this relationship. Jessica voice-overs that this is Creepy Pa Simpson's sister's house, and it's tradition they spend Christmas Eve over here, having a big Christmas feast and singing Christmas carols. Drunk Uncle shows Jessica some venison sausage made from a deer he killed three weeks ago. We see his rack of guns. Yikes. Drunk Uncle jokingly asks Nick if he broke his toilet. Nick laughs that it wasn't him. (It totally was.)
Jessica and Mama Simpson eat. Mama Simpson acts like more of a child than Jessica. They talk about eating the deer, and Mama Simpson says that it's hard to eat because she pictures the deer. "They're so sweet and innocent and doe-eyed and like just frolicking around in the free world." What the fuck is she talking about? And also, aren't deer by definition all "doe-eyed"? ["Maybe not if they're male deer? I don't know. It's a mistake to try to make sense of a Simpson utterance." -- Sars] Jessica announces that she's no longer hungry.
Jessica and stupid Ashlee sing that terrible "Merry Christmas" song, with Ashlee doing the talking part and singing in Mama Simpson's face. Forget David Koresh, the real Waco massacre is happening right here around the piano.
Later. Photos are taken. Jessica and Nick cuddle on a chair; she whispers to Nick that she's ready to "be alone." Nick says, "Okay, I'll leave." "No, with you." Nick plays it off like he was joking, but I don't know. Then we get a shot of Creepy Pa Simpson holding a little white floppy dog and smiling this lovey smile, ostensibly at Nick and Jessica, and it's just about the grossest thing I've ever seen. They start cuddling, and Nick tries to feel her up, and Jessica calls him "my horny little husband." Creepy Pa and Mama are edited to look like they're watching, and Nick thinks Jessica will pass out when they get back to the hotel but she denies it, saying that she'll be "ready and willing." Ugh. I lost my appetite. Again.
Suddenly, someone says, "Hey, look. Steve's dressed like an apple!" And everyone is watching Drunk Uncle's commercial on TV for his moving company where, indeed, he's dressed up like a big apple. Jessica then lifts her head from Nick's shoulder and says, "Christmas in L.A. year? Deal?" and they shake. Ha. Commercials.
Back. Christmas morning. Jessica's Granny cooks bacon in a pound of fat. Jessica tries to help but just about fucks up the eggs. The family eats. Little dogs play outside. Then they talk (the people, not the little dogs) about snakes, and Nick says he saw a baby rattlesnake around their house recently. Neither Gramps or Creepy Pa Simpson ever says a word. I guess the Simpson men don't talk much. Too afraid. They all freak Jessica out by saying baby rattlers mean a den is somewhere and that they come up through the toilet and they always run in pairs. Jessica is flipping out.
Gifts. Everyone is wearing the exact same pajama pants. Ashlee and Jessica exchange gifts. They both got each other iPods, but Ashlee downloaded tons of songs for Jessica. They hug: "Isn't it great to be rich?" Jessica's parents then give her a gift. "Something beautiful waits for you in your garage," a card says. She opens a box, and it's a photo of a car. Nick is very jealous. Jessica squeals. So they bought her a car, with her money, basically. How…generous by proxy of them. It's a Mercedes. Jessica says that she gets to get rid of her other Mercedes. Nick makes fun of her, how spoiled that sounds. "Good Lord," he says. Ashlee opens a watch. Nick gets a ping-pong table from the parents. Hee. Mercedes vs. ping-pong table. How…hurtful of them. Mama Simpson gets a bracelet. Ashlee gives Nick a Best Buy gift card, which he says is too much money, so it must be a lot. Jessica puts on the nastiest pink Uggs. Nick brats that she can drive her new Mercedes in her pink Uggs. Jeal-ous. And Nick can play on his ping-pong table…holding his Best Buy gift card. Jessica then opens a jewelry cleaner from Nick; she says that every time she looks at SkyMall she wants it. She opens it and pulls out two diamond bracelets and asks, "Do I get to choose or are they both mine?" and then laughs, unhinging her mouth like one of those rattlesnakes about to eat a possum. "Nicholas Scott, I love it," says Jessica. "That was so clever," she says, alarmed how cleaver hiding a bracelet in jewelry cleaner was. Everyone laughs at how stupid Jessica is. Then Jessica says it's time for her gift to Nick, and she says that she feels bad that she didn't get him anything -- and everyone is sitting around waiting, like this is the big build-up. But no. She says she wants to get him a "boxer trainer" for a year. Then she looks at him like it's a great gift. God. Nick just repeats, "A boxer trainer?" Oh, so sad. Nick tries to salvage some dignity and make a joke about how the trainer is not going to kick his ass, is he? He continues to talk, trying to hold back the tears of disappointment and neglect as Creepy Pa laughs, covering his eyes with his hand. I know what it is: Creepy Pa is just terrible on camera and tries to "act" whenever it's trained on him. He's just a terrible actor. And a terrible father, preacher, manager, husband, and dancer. Jessica tries to keep selling her gift like it's not something she just pulled out of her ass on the spot. Nick pulls her in tight to kiss her, and to hide the tears.
Los Angeles. Night. They arrive home. Nick takes Jessica upstairs to surprise her with her new closet. She's very happy. Fucking good for her.
time on. New York. Jessica goes to a photo shoot of her new edible make-up line. As she does hair, Nick says someone called his mom the other day wanting to talk about Jessica being pregnant. Photo shoot. Jessica smears frosting all over her face. She feels sick and has to lie down. "You're not pregnant, are you?" asks Mama Simpson. And that's it. See ya!