Car. Night. Jessica is tired in back. Her phone rings. It's Nick. She's tells him she's not in Boston yet, but somewhere outside of it. "In Lowell, Massa-tushes." She tries again and then tells him that she cannot ever say the name of the state correctly. "Mashatussets." "Mass-a-two-shits." Goddamn, she's dumb. She makes Tori Spelling look like a Gilmore Girl. She gives a tired giggle and throws a look to her mom. "I don't know. Whatever," she says. Yes, the name of one of the original colonies. Whatever. "Two plus two? I don't know. Five. Whatever."
Theme. Wedding. Ass. House. Recording. "This I Swear."
Hollywood montage. Sunset. Her poster outside Tower Records -- the now bankrupt chain. Lillian Street. An ivy-covered building right to (you can see it in the shot) the theatre at which my comedy group performs. I say that only because I'm pretty sure you can see us getting high on the roof in this establishing shot. Inside, a set. Nick voice-overs that he's waiting for Jessica so they can film a sketch for a VH1 show. Nick sits with some dude, looking over the script. "Look at this. I have two friggin' lines," he bitches. He goes on that Jessica has to speak French in the sketch, so they'll be there all night. Seriously, I know VH1 is too busy making sure Joel Stein only gets blue M&Ms in his dressing room, but doesn't someone there ever watch Newlyweds enough to know that asking Jessica Simpson to speak a foreign language is probably not a good idea? Unless that certain person is angling for overtime, because then that would be a really sly move.
Car. Jessica looks at the script, saying that she's not sure she's ever "sat and listened" to someone speak French. Que? She sweetly takes pains to point out that "Nick only has three lines" while she has forty, a proud gleam of "Who's the boss, bitch" in her eye. Or maybe that's just eye goo. Hard to tell with her.
Nick tries to call Jessica, but she can't find her phone in her purse. What's the deal with that move, there? Girls, why can you never find anything in your purse? I bet I could make so much money making Purse Inserts, that broke up the purse into twenty different sections -- keys, sunglasses, and cell phones being right near the front. It probably wouldn't work, because you know you'd just put the lipstick where the wallet goes, the cell phone in the tampon pouch. It would be a disaster. Jessica finds her phone, having missed the call, and goes on to tell us how Nick has called her six times and she didn't even know it. Wow. She's good with the subtle power play.
They finally talk. Jessica says she's sitting in traffic and she asks how long the shoot is going to take, and he tells her that she should probably look at her lines, but she says she gets nauseous in traffic -- and when having to read anything or do math or, you know, think about stuff. She yawns in his ear and Nick says, "Unfortunately, you have a little more to do than I do." The Boys With Avids make it look like she responds to Nick's yearning for a word of kindness with a yawn. Then they trade yawns and hang up.
Jessica arrives. Then, in the make-up room, while Nick gets shellacked, Jessica and her mom try to figure out how to say certain French words. Jessica turns five and just starts speaking in faux French-sounds. Real mature!
Jessica reads this line: "White Fox, this is Pop Star One. I'm in the liar." She struggles with "liar" until she realizes it's "lair." MamaSimpson tells her, "Like a bear's lair. It's, like, where they hang out. It's like the hide-out." No, it's not a hang-out place for bears. Well, at least now we see where she got her brains. If not her looks. Nick shakes his head. Someone tells them there will be cue cards. Yes, but the woman can't read, so how is that going to help? (I really wish I could have been backstage during their Saturday Night Live appearance. Maybe we'll get that at the end of the episode, because just getting through some of those taped sketches must have got those crew member double golden pay time, boy. Saturday Night Taped.) Jessica gets stuck on the word "dissemination." Gary the Director comes in, and Jessica laughs that the words are going to be too hard for her.
Green room. Gary and Nick and Nick's friend sit around as Jessica tries to say "subsequent generator fire." She repeats the word over and over and then says, "That's a mouthful." All three of the guys have to stifle about ten different jokes they'd like to make at that moment. Then she goes back to" dissemination" and tries "dissem-imentation." Then her mom repeats the word and says, "Think semen." For one moment she wasn't thinking about it, Mom -- about how gross it is and how she hopes soon she won't have to do it anymore. Now you have to go ruin things. It's time, and Jessica gets up, trying to figure out the word "chartreuse." Man, no wonder VH1's rating suck.
Jessica bitches that she's never said half these words in her life. "At least you have lines," whines Nick. Awwwww. Jessica just laughs. Don't you know, Nick -- in America, it pays to be stupid. The smartest thing that girl ever did was to not pay attention in school, doing her nails instead of taking notes. Reading isn't fundamental. In fact, it'll keep you out of high-paying jobs like Pop Bimbo and Reality Show Joke. The More You Know, people. The More You Know. Commercials.
Set. Rolling. Jessica and Nick sit having dinner. Nick acts, "Are my biceps big enough?" And Jessica forgets her line. She tries again and whines, "I forgot my line again." And to think, ABC just green-lit her pilot. There are a bunch of scared crew members right now in Hollywood hoping their phone doesn't ring. After Jessica flubs her line, Nick says, "It's a no-brainer." She sure is. Nick goes on, "I mean. Look at these things," pointing to his arm muscles. Needy extras laugh. Nick basks in the hot glow of their attention. He tries his line again, and she finally gets it. "Definitely, sweetie." That's a line? Hmm. Nick is wrapped. Green room. MamaSimpson asks if Nick is done, and does that mean he can go home. Jesus, what's up with that family? Always trying to get rid of him. "Yeah, but I'm not going," he says, something he's had to say many times to them in the past. You know the Simpson parents think Jessica should be with a rising star, not a falling semi-one. But then again, Jessica probably should. Nick putters around the green room, picking up a Star magazine. "Whoo," he says, and we see the cover story is "Stars Without Makeup!" and there's a puffy Cameron Diaz and a jowly Britney. I wonder if he's reading his own interview in the magazine. The funny thing is, the other night I met a Star reporter, and he was actually kind of a douche. Maybe that's all they hire. And do you put "douche" on your résumé?
Jessica holds a compact and sits with Gary the Director, trying her "lair" line. She can't get it. In a stunning piece of directing that would make Uta Hagen roll over in her freshly dug grave (don't crush your cigarettes, Uta! Or your poodle!), Gary tells her, "Think about if you were a superhero. How would you want to be?" What? Even Jessica thinks that's fucking stupid. "Oh, Lord. I don't know," she dismisses. "Okay," he laughs, thinking, "I'm so fired."
Green room. Nick drinks coffee. He wanders around backstage, then goes right back to the green room, having nothing to do. Jessica is on a break and she joins Nick. A PA comes in reading take-out menu options. Jessica thinks one is "Anal Seafood." The MTV Marketing Department already has the "Anal Seafood" figurines ready to ship to the stores. There's Colon Carp, and Rimmy the Rock Cod, and Freddy the Farting Flounder. Soon to be available in Long John Silver Happy Meals.
Jessica is on set again. She speaks into her compact. "I'll tell you, pal. Electricity can be a nasty, nasty bitch." This sketch is awesome! Jessica camera-talks that they've been here for five hours already. Back on set. Jessica flubs take after take. Wow, her acting rivals that famous drunk tape of Anna Nicole Smith being fed her lines from just off camera. Jessica, finally, somehow gets it right -- not good, but at least the words all in the correct order -- and she's wrapped.
Joe Strummer's new (posthumous) single plays as Nick goes to meet Jessica at another set so they can shoot a United Way commercial. He voice-overs that he hopes it'll go smoother than the VH1 thing. Jessica gets her make-up done and asks someone if The Elephant Man had elephantitis. They all discuss it, and Jessica wonders if The Elephant Man had a big trunk. Then they move on to talking about elephantitis of the balls and Jessica wonders why they can't suck stuff out of the balls, and someone says it's "edema" and they can but it keeps coming back. Jessica thinks the girl said it means you have a "demon" in your balls. Jesus. She repeats that she said "edema," meaning water retention. MamaSimpson shouts, "Jessica said 'a demon'!" making sure the MTV Marketing People catch that and start test-marketing that as the new catchphrase. Surely something has to hit one of these days. Something! Anything.
On set. Nick sits with a bunch of kids in back of the shot as the camera then finds Jessica way in front. She talks about how you can make a difference and then says, "Right, Nick?" and he waves from way in the background with the children. Ha. No, but then Nick gets his close-up. He's actually pretty natural on camera. Yes, I'm probably just feeling bad for him. I'm sure it'll wear off soon. Nick is smiling, feeling good about himself for the first time in months.
Nick leaves the house with bags. Jessica is practically pushing him out the door. Nick voice-overs that it's been crazy lately and it's only getting worse. He has to go to Detroit for the Thanksgiving Parade and then he'll meet her in Texas for the rest of the holiday.
Michigan. Grey. Hotel. He drinks coffee and gets into a limo. It's cold. Montage of limo driving to Detroit. Nick camera-talks that they're (he has a friend) on their way to the Detroit American Thanksgiving Parade. He's going to do interviews, then ride a big float. The friend -- do you think he gets paid to come along places with Nick? And when Nick is doing stuff, does he just wait around? Does it make him sad to live his life like this? Or is he happy? Is he secretly in love with Nick so just being around him is enough? I have questions, people. A cop then blares her siren and yells through a loudspeaker that the limo can't go this way and that they're holding up traffic. They both laugh as she keeps yelling. Arrest Nick! Throw him in jail! This I Swear: Nick better not drop the soap. Commercials.
Detroit. Nick gets make-up to ride a float. Really? Why? Is his skin that bad? Nick greets the few fans who have come out in the rain, signs autographs, remarks on how cold it is, and answers the inevitable "Where's Jessica?" questions. "Who's got the flask?" Nick asks a big crowd. Okay, the line gets laughs, but what's going to be sad is in forty years when he's still using that line and no one laughs because we now have booze-pellets and no one knows what a flask is anymore. Nick gets on the float and meets the other random people. I see why he needs his friend -- otherwise he'd have to sit and talk to the "little people." The float starts and wow, this looks like a terrible parade. No offense, Detroit. Don't mean to kick you while you're down, but whoa. There is a scary clown balloon, the tethers being held by people dressed as scary clowns also. Seriously, there is nothing happy about that clown. That's a scary fucking clown.
The parade. The route is lined about three deep with people. Nick remarks that the day is getting worse -- ha -- but he's just talking about the weather. He waves and tries to act pumped, though. Nick bitches that they're getting some fumes back there. He passes scary bobble-head guys dressed as famous Detroit ballplayers. Yup, the Detroit Thanksgiving Parade: Nick Lachey on a float and an Alan Trammell bobble-head. Good times. Nick bitches some more. Then someone asks where Jessica is again. Scary Tom Selleck bobble-head. Nick gets off the float, makes bad small talk about his United Way commercial coming up at halftime of the football game, then gets back into the limo with his friend, complaining that he's "about to yak" from the fumes.
Limo. He bitches that he thought the parade was never going to end, then sticks his head out of the limo window like a dog. Yeah, breathe deeply on that Detroit freeway air. That'll clear things right up. Nick then slaps himself in the face. Aw, but we wanted to do that. They talk to a friend on the phone, but get off because it's halftime and the commercial is about to come on. The signal is bad, but it finally comes in clear enough. The TV says, "We are joined by pop sensation, Jessica Simpson." Ha! Both Nick and friend hold their hands out, waiting for Nick's name. But it doesn't come. Jessica sings on tape, and the friend keeps glancing at Nick. They finally exchange a long look. Nick says, "I -- I can't even get a name mention. I mean, I don't understand." He keeps on, and they swear a lot. "What's up with that?" Nick squeals. Friend then starts babbling, saying, "It looked good. The guy did a good job. I knew it was going to look good." Nick asks what he's talking about. "The thing you guys did. You looked good. You know what I mean?" he says, digging a hole. You're fired! He squirms in his seat. Nick turns to him: "I wasn't in anything." Hee. Music plays as Nick sits. They go to the airport. "I didn't even get a mention in the damn spot," Nick says. Awwww.
Plane. Texas. Cows. Roadkill. Waco, TX. The Simpson house. Nick and Jessica are driving to the house. Nick's still bitching that he didn't even get a mention, even though he did the exact same thing she did. "I know," Jessica whines, already tired of hearing about it. "Don't let it ruin your Thanksgiving."
House. Nick hugs the family. Jessica brats to her sister that she's really tired because she's always working and never gets any time off. She signs photographs and a giant poster for some Marines.
Backyard. Nick plays with some kids on a swing. Michael Jackson's dream Thanksgiving. Jessica comes out, and Nick tells the kids to tell Jessica that her boots look silly. The kids totally bust him. Hee. Everyone is on Jessica's side today. Jessica tickles the boy as Nick tells her what he was going to say. The boy says, "No. He made up it." That's cute. Jessica then goes back inside. Nick asks about the football game, what the score is. That's sad; Nick has to play with the children as Jessica watches football.
Inside. No, it's worse. Jessica is making fudge. (In the kitchen, not the bathroom, as she usually is.) Talk of her in her apron. She brats that she really wants to be a good cook. Yeah, for her husband.
Night falls. They all head out to dinner at a nice restaurant. Big family. Lots of people. Nick gets up and takes photos with fans. While Jessica waits at the table, Nick signs autographs. He comes back, all happy that he got attention. He says that in the bathroom while he was peeing, some dude handed him a cell phone so Nick could talk to the guy's girlfriend. Jessica asks if the guy looked down. She says that she'd pee in the stall, otherwise people would say, "Ooh, I saw Nick's penis." Great table conversation, Jessica. Then she changes it to, "Whoa! I saw Nick's penis!" as if it's impressive. People laugh. Nick is very happy to get attention for once. They trade "Happy Thanksgivings," as we fade to black.
time on. They leave the house with bags. Airplane. Jessica voice-overs that they have eighteen shows to do in December. Montage of shows in different cities. Nick gets to come and perform too? Aw, that's sweet. Hotel. Jessica claims that she never asks Nick how her outfits look; then she asks him how her outfit looks. Jessica finds a tantric sex book in her hotel room. A friend asks if this is the stuff that Sting does, having sex for eight hours. "Sting, the singer?" Jessica asks. Hm, that's a weird ending. Maybe they were going to pipe in a farting noise and forgot. That's it! See ya.