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Oh my God, where to begin? Well, how about with Rayna and Deacon making out. They are so happy and innocent, just making out in Rayna's dressing room and talking about how Deacon should come over to have dinner with the girls. And then when Deacon DOES come over for dinner, he starts to sing "Ho Hey" with them and it's magical until Teddy comes and ruins everything, as is his custom. He freaks out and serves Rayna with a restraining order, whereby the girls can't get within 100 feet of Deacon. Rayna is all, "WTF?" And in response Teddy actually notes that he's grown a pair. More like a baker's dozen! But Lamar shows that he's more powerful than the mayor in at least some aspects as he calls in a favor and a judge throws out the restraining order. Rayna goes to see Teddy and proposes being reasonable adults, telling him that she'll never do anything to jeopardize his relationship with Maddie. But alas! Her promises are in vein because Maddie, who earlier had overheard Rayna telling Deacon that she loved him and had been informed that the two were dating, pulls a top secret box out of the bottom of her mom's closet and finds a paternity test. And, well, you know what it says. Meanwhile, Rayna Jaymes couldn't put that shit in a safe deposit box or something? I won't get into week's preview other than to say that everyone is going to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Including me.
Anyway! Gunnar is still being a jackass as well as a fake outlaw, but is really camping up his rough and tumble image at the urging of his producer. He does a radio interview whereby he says he does what he wants in his life and relationship (THAT does not go over well on the home front!) and plays a show at some dirty rock club. When he's called out by a patron for his actual lack of outlaw cred, he and Will (who's there to basically give Gunnar a big WTF) resort to fisticuffs with the heckler and land in jail. At this point I think that's a boon for Gunnar's bio. Because they're in jail, they miss Scarlett's debut at the Opry. And yes, Scarlett gets to do a number on the Grand Ole Opry stage as Rayna announces her new label (to which, it seems, Will is also going to be signed). Though Gunnar is absent, Avery is beaming proudly in the audience as Scarlett crosses her eyes and opens her mouth wide enough to swallow the whole Opry in its entirety. Her scraggly weave has grown to Rapunzel proportions, and all the chipmunks of the forest scamper on stage to sing sweet harmony. The audience gives her a standing ovation, and at that moment I was hoping SHE was the one who would end up dead, via a falling chandelier or some such thing. Sadly, it is not to be. She does, however, dump Gunnar after bailing him out of jail.
And THEN. You guys. Juliette has a brief foray into flirting with Avery while professing not to believe in love, and also enjoys acting like a brat while rehearsing CMA presenter dialogue with Rayna. At home, of course, Dante is blackmailing her with the threat of releasing their sex tape. At first he wants $2 million, but later changes his demand to $10 million. Though she was willing to go along at first, Juliette eventually decides that the whole world knows she's a train wreck anyway, so she might as well let him release it and give an exclusive to The View (and, I imagine, get a cut of the profits herself). And THEN. Sigh. Jolene goes to her old dealer and asks for some Oxy, along with an ominous "something else." She calls up Dante to say that Juliette won't give him the $10 million, but she can still access the $2 million. She makes it like she's still in love with him, which may be partially true. And then, because Jolene doesn't want to embarrass her daughter with bad press, she shoots Dante (who is also strung out) and then overdoses on Juliette's couch. Cue "So You've Had a Bad Day."
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Back when Avery and Scarlett were together, he had her sing into a whisk in their apartment. Thank you, whoever puts together the "previously on" for this show, because were it not for you, none of us would have remembered that scene. Subsequently we'd have been like, "Why is some crazy kitchen-tool-obsessed stalker sending Scarlett anonymous presents?" three-quarters of the way through the show. Both Juliette and Rayna were nominated for CMA Awards, and while Juliette got the news in the middle of a Dante-related crisis meting, Rayna found out while in the bare arms of one Deacon Claybourne. Reow. Avery denied a drunken Juliette's advances, but in a really considerate way. Gunnar has taken a shine to stealing his dead brother's songs and passing them off as his own. And finally... "What kind of tape?"
We enter in Charlotte, with Rayna just coming off stage. She's happy that this leg of the tour is ending, so she can get back to Nashville and see her girls. Bucky reminds her that she'll also be having auditions in Nashville, since they can't just open a label on the strength of Scarlett alone. Marshall has given them until the end of the month to close the deal. Rayna insists that the acts have to be perfect and she's not settling... except when it comes to settling her lips into the lips of Deacon. They're backstage in her dressing room, making out like... well, I was going to say like teenagers, but really they're making out like hot adults, which is even better. Less sloppy! Deacon asks Rayna how long they have to do this in private. She says just until she can tell the girls, and get them used to Deacon being around, professionally and privately. Deacon notes that his work schedule has opened up dramatically, and everyone has visions of sugar plums dancing and Rayna and Deacon finding happiness both off stage and on. I just thought to myself, "I would watch that show, about Rayna and Deacon being happy all the time!" But that is probably a lie. I WAS hoping that we'd get more than two episodes of their post-reunion bliss, though. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Rayna invites Deacon over to the house for dinner with her and the girls tomorrow, and he gets a Cheshire Cat grin and says he'd love to. And then they go back to making out, as it should be.
Meanwhile, Juliette exits the stage and Avery is there to help her take off her ear monitor. This involves unzipping her dress, in a not particularly suggestive manner. Avery hums a tune and smiles, and Juliette gives him her patented nasty grief for smirking. He explains that he's not smirking, but is actually humming the new song that she's been working on. It turns out she's been humming it for days, and Avery suggests that she get it down on paper before it disappears. She tells him that he did a great job playing lead guitar the other night, which she would have told him earlier if he hadn't bailed on her / refused to take advantage of her in her sloppy state. Juliette asks if his rejection was because "they" told him to stay away from her or because he couldn't keep up. Avery says he bailed because she was a little... overserved. E.g., a hot, drunken mess. Apparently this is a ballsy thing to say to your boss, and Juliette tells him he's lucky he's cute enough to get away with it. She then asks if he wants to help her get her lyrics down before they disappear. Can she not write a song without the help of a hot guy? Actually, she probably couldn't even find paper or a pen.
Back at the tree trunk, it's dawn and Gunnar is just getting in from his recording session. This is now customary, and he says while flopping on the bed that they work until the music feels right. Scarlett says that Gunnar's producer has him thinking that he's some kind of outlaw, and then tickles him to prove that he's not. The producer thinks that working on the image will create some attention, both locally and with labels. Gunnar then wonders why Scarlett is going through dresses, and it turns out that she's playing at the Opry, which she's told Gunnar and he claims to remember but secretly has totally forgotten. As he tells her that thousands of people will be watching her big-deal debut, she looks nervous.
The producer calls. It turns out Gunnar's song is getting a lot of radio attention, and one station wants him to do an interview. He runs out again, recommending that Scarlett choose the blue dress. Just then Will pulls up on his motorcycle, noting that Gunnar doesn't look like he's slept or showered in a week. Scarlett sadly replies that she wouldn't know if he had. Boo hoo hoo. She's also very nervous about this Opry thing, and Will gives her encouragement before asking if Rayna is just introducing Scarlett or the label too. Scarlett explains that Rayna has to pick one more act before she can make the announcement, and is having a secret session at Soundcheck tomorrow to hopefully find that person. Will is clearly interested in this news.
We cut to Tandy and Smithers talking about what to do with the land owned by Wyatt Industries that will not be filled with balls and bats and BMTs. Mixed-use high rise or retail? It is truly a riveting debate. They turn to Lamar, who suggests that they use it for a baseball stadium. Um. Tandy is like, "STOP BEING SENILE OR I'M GOING TO ATTEMPT A COUP." Or, rather, "KEEP BEING SENILE SO I CAN ATTEMPT A COUP."
Oh boy, and then Juliette is watching a clip of her sex tape. Both her security firm and her mother are in the room to hear the moaning coming from her laptop. It turns out Dante has agreed to hand over the SD card for $2 million. Head security guy recommends that they try to talk him down, but Juliette refuses. She wants the video destroyed before the CMA Awards. Head security guy then recommends -- again! -- that they get Dante locked up, but Juliette is not down for the reports, cops, or scandals that would come along with it. After the security guys leave, Jolene asks if there's anything she can do. At this point, they should have locked Jolene in a room with a box of Ritz crackers and some Gatorade until the whole thing passed. Hindsight, 20/20, etc.
Ahhhh, and then we are at the Jaymes/Conrad manse, where Rayna is chopping up salad for dinner with the girls. Daphne has just let Deacon in, and he's brought pie. DOMESTIC BLISS! Rayna is even wearing a side pony, just to make the moment a smidge more perfect. The girls joke with Deacon about him being too old to be signed to Rayna's label, and then Rayna sends the three of them into the living room so she can get dinner done. Daphne proposes that they play "Ho Hey" (the cuteness that ensues is the ONLY thing that can redeem this overexposed song), and Deacon's banter with the girls is precious. He not only boosts Maddie's confidence about her guitar playing, but also gets Daphne to yell, "Language!" when he says hell. They start playing, with Deacon on Dobro, and all is right with the world! If only this moment could last forever, thinks the nation, or be on a constant loop with Deacon and Rayna makeouts!
And then who walks in but freaking Teddy to ruin everything. Why does he ALWAYS do that? Daphne is the only one who is even close to being glad to see him. He asks what's going on, and Rayna is all, "Just making dinner and also WTF are you doing here?" He's returning some soccer stuff that Maddie left in his car, and also making things very awkward for everybody. Teddy asks for a word with Rayna, and then gives her all kinds of hell for bringing Deacon into his house after he made his position (about how Rayna is supposed to live her life Deacon-free) clear. Rayna is all, "We're getting a divorce, duh!" and Teddy says that he didn't have the girls around Peggy, per Rayna's request. No, she asked that you not bang Peggy in your shared house, and we all saw how true to your word you were with that one. Rayna says that Teddy was having an affair, and he points out that she was having an emotional affair the entire time they were married. Okay, half a point for that one. But Rayna tells him not to rewrite history, noting that Daphne was born out of love but their feelings changed. The girls will always be his daughters, but Rayna tells him not to come in there and dictate what her life is going to be. He leaves because that's what he does after ruining everything. Subsequently, everything is ruined.
After a break, Avery's looking at the schedule for the Opry on his phone and sees Scarlett's name there, along with a prominently placed Darius Rucker. And, seriously, stop trying to subliminally sell us on Darius Rucker, show! Juliette comes out with a legal pad and some of her draft lyrics. She asks Avery if he remembers the melody she was humming, and he says it sounded like a love song. But Juliette no longer believes in love, saying that pretty much everyone who's told her they love her has lied. What about Tim Tony Tebow Romo? He seemd pretty sincere AND let her devirginize him. Avery assures her that love exists, saying that he's been in love. Juliette asks, "And how did that go for you?" before we can.
Meanwhile, Rayna and Bucky are at auditions for the label, and she's not feeling any of the ten acts that they've seen. Just as they're ready to hang it up for the day, Will and his big, heterosexual cowboy hat enter. He reminds Rayna that he's Scarlett's friend, and that they met the other night. Bucky tries to get rid of him, saying that they'll listen to his demo and get back to him, but Will notes that he waited until they saw everyone they needed to see before crashing, and is pretty sure they didn't find anything close to what they're looking for. He adds that they've seen a whole lot of guys who bought boots downtown, but what they haven't seen is somebody who can rope a steer. Is that a euphemism? Rayna gets a little smile and you can tell that she likes his bravado, or at least thinks that he's an amusing type of jackass.
And then a very greasy-looking Gunnar is in the radio studio for his big interview. The DJ asks what inspired "Gun for a Mouth," and he lamely says, "It just kind of came to me one night." Yeah, when the police gave you your dead brother's belongings. The DJ goes on about the song feeling a little outside the law and dangerous, and Gunnar squints really hard as he says, "I like to do what I want. I just try to get that into my music." He is a less convincing outlaw than Rick Moranis. Scarlett listens in the car, and has quite a reaction when, to the DJ's question of how this affects his romantic life, Gunnar says, "I do what I want there too, if you get what I mean." Okay, take it down a notch there, Johnny Bravo.
And then we're back with Will, who's singing a song about a showman's life and a lonely wife and pretty girls. So, you know, super authentic, too. He's actually the person on this show whose second season storyline I'm most looking forward to. Anyway, Rayna loves it and tells Bucky to get Will's demo to Marshall, if he can find it.
Juliette and Jolene meet with the security guy, who bears the bad news that Dante never showed up to collect his money. Jolene suggests that they just call him to find out why, and Juliette basically calls her mom a dumb-ass for not recognizing that Dante uses a different disposable phone every day. She hopes that Dante was hit by a bus, so all her problems will be solved. But alas! He's still alive, and calling her from a new number. She puts the call on speaker, and Dante tells her that he saw the security guy with the two million, but realized he made a mistake. He now wants ten million. Juliette tells him that he's insane, but he argues that the tape is worth a lot of money on the internet. If she doesn't get him the money tomorrow, she won't like the questions she gets on the CMA red carpet. Like everything, Juliette blames this predicament on Jolene, saying that it would have been cheaper for her to go to AA like every other addict. She conveniently leaves out the part where she decided to bang the sober companion of her own volition.
And then it's exciting times in the boardroom of Wyatt Industries! Tandy tells the board members that the company is at a crossroads. Lamar survived his heart attack, but he's "a long way from full recovery." One of the board members busts Tandy's phantom testicles by asking straightaway if she's asking for board support if she makes a motion to replace Lamar. She says she wants their support if Lamar decides to step down, but another board member guesses that she wants them to endorse a coup. The board member who asked the first question seems to agree that this is all a shady coup, but also thinks that, given Lamar's age and circumstance, it's time for a change. She wants them to do it with grace and a lack of obvious backstabbing. It's funny, I feel like Tandy is either very good at her job, or not very good at all.
Back at the tree trunk, Scarlett calls out Gunnar for his comments on the radio show, and Gunnar says he's just trying to build a following. She wants to understand what Gunnar's doing -- the stolen lyrics, a whole new wardrobe and fake past -- but doesn't get it. She reminds him that he walked away from the kind of life Jason led because it only ends in grief. And then she twists the barbwire by telling him that if the Opry isn't outlaw enough for him, he doesn't have to come and see her perform. He says he'd never miss it, and she kisses him but still looks sad as she drives off.
Rayna and Bucky celebrate the fact that Will is their guy, and Rayna says she's going to announce the label at the Opry. Bucky isn't sure about Will's last name, but in a little detail that I love, Rayna says that Lexington is a good Southern name. Their happy banter is short-lived, though, as Rayna is served papers saying that she's not allowed to have the girls within 100 feet of Deacon. How's that for a postcard from Mexico?
Rayna marches into Teddy's office to be like, "WTF?" and adds that Deacon has been around the girls their entire lives. But Teddy's not going to take a chance that something dire might happen without him there to "safeguard their well being." Rayna says this is really about Teddy's ego and fear, but Teddy claims that he's doing it because he doesn't trust her. When she says that the restraining order won't stick, Teddy points out that he is the MAYOR, and it will stick. When she asks what happened to him, Teddy says he took Lamar's advice and grew a pair. And then that pair grew a pair, and that pair grew a pair and so forth, and basically Teddy is now a human testicle. Attractive!
Oh God, and then Jolene visits her sleazy dealer. She asks for Oxy, and then tells him that she needs something else too. Something dastardly, we are left to assume, and also germ-infested.
Meanwhile, Rayna calls Deacon with the bad news about the restraining order. The good news is that Deacon can still see Rayna, and without the pesky kids hanging about they can do SO much more making out. I call that a win! Before getting off the phone, Rayna tells Deacon that she loves him. And who should be lurking at the bedroom door but Maddie, who is really excellent at overhearing private conversations! In some ways, Teddy and Rayna are dumb and careless enough to really deserve each other. Close your doors, people! Hide your boxes with important documents that you never should have kept in places where your kids won't find them! Maddie asks Rayna who she was talking to, and after a brief pause Rayna says she was talking to Deacon. She wants Maddie to know that they're seeing each other. Maddie knows that Rayna and Deacon dated before she married Teddy, and wonders if that's why Teddy was so mad at seeing Deacon in the house. Rayna kind of condescendingly tells her that what she's asking about is really grown-up stuff, and private. But she wants Maddie to trust that when Rayna thinks she's old enough, she'll tell her all about it -- because nothing squelches a teenager's curiosity than reasonably stating they're not old enough to know about something.
Back at the tree trunk, Will busts in Scarlett's apartment to tell her that he auditioned at the top-secret event that Scarlett told him about. Scarlett is clearly mortified, but Will assures her that it went well. She approves of his moxie, and notes that he's just being himself, which is refreshing. Speaking of being yourself or not, Scarlett notes that Gunnar's outlaw thing has gone way too far. She asks Will to talk to him, and when he's hesitant she points out that, since he used her name to go see Rayna, it's the least he could do.
And then we're with Juliette and Rayna, who are rehearsing their CMA presentation banter. When Juliette sees her part on the teleprompter -- which entails musing about whether she and Rayna should form a group -- she asks the producers if she really has to say that. They want her to stick to the script and she says, "Even if it's dumb?" All charm, that one! The banter -- which also entails Rayna responding that she thinks she's washing her hair that night -- IS dumb, but so is all award show banter not crafted by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. The producers take a break, and Rayna gives Juliette the biggest eyeroll as they walk offstage. Deacon is of course there waiting, and Juliette instantly pegs that they're together. Rayna says that they've always been friends, but Juliette isn't buying it. A stagehand gives the ladies bottles of water, and while Rayna accepts hers with a thank you, Juliette calls the guy incompetent for giving her water that's not cold enough. Someone needs to teach her the "you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar" lesson. It's not Rayna, who spits out that she'd like Juliette to be professional for once. Juliette says she will, once she gets respect from everyone from the PA to the CMA, and Rayna tells her she needs to earn that. She finishes by telling Juliette that if she does happen to win the award, it doesn't mean she's earned anything. Aww, if only those two could be nice to each other more often. That one time it happened for five seconds it was so refreshing!
We then catch up with outlaw Gunnar, playing at a grungy bar. Will is in the crowd, looking on in disbelief as Gunnar invites audience members to buy him a shot at the bar during the break. When Will confronts him at the bar, it is not to buy him a shot, but to be a recipient of ultra Johnny Bravo-esque remarks such as, "This probably isn't the best place for you to be right now... that hat and that buckle. It's not the scene, man." Will points out that it's also not the best place for Gunnar, who should always play his music in a butterfly garden. Just as Gunnar is telling Will to buzz off, a tough guy at the bar asks Gunnar where he did time. He asks with the certainty of a man who recognizes Gunnar as a poser, and things escalate. Will tells the dude to keep his mouth busy with the cheap beer he's been sucking, and then the guy throws the first punch. Fisticuffs ensue.
And then it's crisis meeting time for Juliette. She'd have to liquidate a lot of assets to get the $10 million in cash but, as Jolene notes, addicts are never satisfied. As Juliette recognizes that Dante will never stop, Jolene freaks out, saying that Juliette deserves none of this and didn't do anything wrong. Um, except bang her addict mother's sober coach. With a vacant stare, Juliette says they can let Dante sell the video. She adds to call The View and tell them she has an exclusive. And just take a moment here to imagine Barbara Walters saying, "Juliette Barnes and Dante Rivas were former romantic partners." Jolene freaks out some more, mentioning the new album and CMAs. Juliette says that they already counted the votes anyway. By going public, Dante makes less money and the world will find out what they already know -- Juliette's a trainwreck. She then dismisses everyone, including Jolene and goes to take a bath. But she leaves her phone on the couch, and Jolene jots down a number on her arm. You know, like an addict would.
After a break, Rayna heads to Lamar's. She's wearing a gold lame suit, so he'll mistake her for riches and like her even more. Seriously, WTF is she wearing? Anyway, Rayna is impressed that Lamar is reading and drinking tea, like a relaxed human. He's even wearing a cozy sweater! Rayna has stopped by en route to the Opry to ask him a favor -- something she hasn't done since she was 16. She explains that Teddy has served her with a restraining order to keep the girls away from... (nervous pause)... Deacon. Lamar jumps in to say that Teddy's rationale doesn't matter to him -- e.g., he doesn't really care if Rayna's boning Deacon, since Teddy is the enemy now. He says he'll take care of it, adding that this is what happens when you move up the ranks too quickly -- you get too big for "the britches." A) Well, who is the one who moved him up the ranks so quickly? B) I love how he says "the britches," like when Millie says "the pot" on Freaks and Geeks.
We cut to backstage at the Opry with Scarlett and Deacon, who's being a terrifically sweet encouraging uncle. Real life Opry bigwig (and Nashville executive producer) Steve Buchanan takes Scarlett to the Into the Circle dressing room, reserved for artists making their Opry debut. Well, that is an awfully nice dressing room. Scarlett looks around in wonder, saying she doesn't feel like she belongs there. For good reason, my scraggly friend! But Deacon is sure that all the luminaries on the wall felt the same way, and assures her that she does indeed belong. He's proud, and wishes that Scarlett's mom could be there. Apparently she couldn't get a day off of work from her jerky boss. Scarlett's crazy mom has to make an appearance in Season Two, right? Jolene Junior? Scarlett is so nervous she's shaking, but should remember that she has magical powers, as evidenced by the fact that her hair has grown at least eight scraggly inches overnight. Also I think she is wearing a banana clip. Sigh. Anyway, Deacon leaves to get her some tea, and she calls Gunnar for some support. She leaves a voice mail, of course, saying that she really wants him to be there. And this solidifies Gunnar's transition into complete ne'er-do-well. Just then someone shows up to deliver a present from "a guy in the audience." It's a whisk, and now we know why we saw that preview. Scarlett might as well get back together with Avery now, since he's suddenly awesome.
Meanwhile, Gunnar and Will are in the clink with the other guys from the bar fight. Gunnar wonders what's going on with Scarlett, and Will notes that she's probably about to go on stage. Gunnar realizes he's made a tremendous boyfriend fail.
Oh, joy, and then we get to catch up with Jolene, snorting some Oxy. She washes it down with a glass of brown liquor and calls the number she's written on her arm. Dante picks up. He's also drinking a glass of brown liquor, at a bar. And I know we're supposed to think that Dante relapsed and that's why he was so crazy, but I actually thought he wasn't even a junkie and the whole sober companion thing was just part of a long con. This whole storyline is one big, "Who knows?" It's best not to think about it too hard. Anyway, Jolene tells Dante that Juliette changed her mind and isn't giving him bubkiss, much less the $10 million he asked for. But she's willing to give him the original $2 million in exchange for the "SD thingy." He just has to come over. She sure is a brilliant mastermind of all things! Dante asks why he should trust Jolene, and she says that Juliette triggered him, and she doesn't want Juliette shutting him out like she shuts out Jolene. I guess all of this makes sense if you're high. Dante asks why she wants the SD card, and Jolene says that she does and always has loved Dante, and the thought of him being with Juliette sexually makes her sick. All of that actually might be a little bit true. I feel that with both Jolene and Dante dead, the grodiness factor of this show will decrease by at least 30 percent.
We cut to Emily, filming Juliette's confession about the sex tape. Juliette explains that someone she trusted videotaped them in an intimate position and then blackmailed her. She looks very, very tired as she says that, at the base of it, she fell for the wrong man and he broke her heart. When the camera is off, Emily tells Juliette that she's the bravest person she knows. I'm glad that Juliette has one friend, even if it's a paid one.
And then we're at the Opry, where Rayna and her gold lame pants are making a special announcement. She tells the crowd about the launch of her new label, Highway 65 Records, and introduces wonderful, exciting new artist Scarlett O'Connor. Scarlett walks on stage and hugs Rayna, and Deacon (who is also onstage, as her guitar player) gives them both a big smile. The song is "Looking for a Place to Shine," and her eyes are crossed even before she starts singing, so you know the enthusiasm is going to be like proverbial fireworks shooting to the sky and diamond sitting on a ring. She spots Avery in the audience, beaming with pride. So, huge surprise, Scarlett is just fine, singing with the widest open mouth in all the land. She gets a standing ovation and, instead of dropping the mic, swallows it so even her stomach gurgles can be amplified to throngs of applause everywhere.
On the flip side of wild Opry success, there is (even more) relentless grodiness. Dante shows up at Jolene's place looking for the money. There is acknowledgement that both of them are high, and then, instead of pulling out a briefcase emblazoned with a big dollar sign, Jolene pulls a gun on Dante. She says she's sparing her daughter the humiliation of going on television and explaining what he's done to her. He's all HAHA I can have that on the Internet faster than a bullet can hit my chest. But it turns out he can't, and Jolene shoots him dead. You have to give her credit for having pretty good aim under duress! What you can't give her credit for is thinking that having your mother kill your ex-boyfriend/blackmailer (and then herself, spoiler) is a less damaging public scandal/life event than a sex tape.
After a break, Teddy and Rayna are in court, and she's explaining through her bow-necked blouse that their kids call Deacon "Uncle Deacon." Teddy is all, "He's not their uncle." Shut up, Teddy. Teddy's claim is that Deacon is a danger because he's an alcoholic, and though Rayna explains that Deacon hasn't had a drop in thirteen years, Teddy has submitted that bogus magazine article from the Revel Kings days as evidence. Then Teddy says to Rayna, under his breath, "A hearing within a day of being served? I wonder whose daddy got us on the docket so quickly." I wonder whose daddy got us elected as mayor, eh? The judge overhears and is basically like, "Shut up, Teddy," while also acknowledging that Lamar called him in the interest of privacy for his daughter and the mayor. The judge dissolves the restraining order for now, and says they'll revisit the issue in full court in two weeks. E.g.: Shut up, Teddy.
The thrill of pulling some strings has resulted in Lamar getting a spring in his step once again, and he shows up at a board meeting much to Tandy's surprise (and chagrin). She's sitting in his chair. She moves from his chair. Coup: failed.
While Juliette is getting her makeup done for The View segment, she gets a call from Jolene. Jolene cries about how she's always been a disappointment, then asks her to promise not to go on the show. Juliette instantly wonders if Jolene is using, and then Jolene tells Juliette that she's always had a beautiful light about her. We see Jolene put the SD card in the garbage disposal. Some handyman is going to find this shit, right? Juliette tells Emily to cancel The View. Barbara Walters is NOT going to take this well.
Back in the clink, Gunnar thanks Will for having his back. Will doesn't mind being in jail so much -- it's not his first time and probably not the last. True outlaw! He notes that it doesn't seem much like Gunnar, though. Gunnar doesn't know what's like him because becoming Johnny Bravo makes you have an identity crisis and stuff. And then Will apologizes for "that thing I did." YOU know the thing he's talking about. Gunnar says he overreacted and was just... surprised. Well, at least devout homophobia is not among his flaws at the moment. Will tells him that, when he was seventeen, his dad caught him with "a friend." His dad drove him out to the middle of nowhere and asked him to explain himself. Will couldn't because he didn't know what was going on with him. His dad told him he couldn't live under his room while he figured it out. So Will hitched a ride to Abilene and hasn't been home since. Gunnar asks if Will found out the answer to his question and, in a big time heartbreak moment, Will shakes his head and says the only time he's happy is when he's on stage playing and singing and being a country music star. He'll do whatever it takes to get there (including, I'm guessing, being closeted and then having a big ole' gay sex scandal after he's famous). Gunnar says, "Me too," which isn't news at this point.
Juliette, Emily and Bo then arrive at Jolene's apartment. They see Dante's dead body, the pills, the gun and then Jolene unconscious on the couch with, like, pill dust all over her face. In that order. Juliette grabs her mom's head and tells her to wake up, then screams as we head to commercial.
When we return, Maddie is home alone and poking around in Rayna's closet. She's not just looking to steal some shoes, though. Instead, she pulls out a metal box and looks worried.
Meanwhile, Will and Gunnar have been bailed out of jail by Scarlett. Will tells her he's going to pay her back, and then leaves. Gunnar thanks her and kisses her head, and she walks away, barely looking at him. He catches her and says he's sorry, but she doesn't want to hear it. She's tired of his bullshit, and has tried to fix the situation but can't. She can't be with Gunnar when he's like this. She knows he loves and misses his brother, but says that she fell in love with him and not Jason. She walks away, crying, as Gunnar looks stunned.
Juliette is also crying alone in bed -- the silent, really chilling, red-eyed puffy face crying -- as she watches news coverage of the murder-suicide involving Jolene and Dante. Speculation is that they were both under the influence. There is no mention of their enduring grodiness, but I'd say it's implied. And... you know, can, like, one good thing happen to Juliette, at least? Maybe the CMA award? Or a nice boyfriend? Yes, Avery will do, if Scarlett doesn't snatch him back now that he's won back her heart with an item from the kitchen section at Target.
Rayna goes to see Teddy, wondering if they can't just act like reasonable adults and come to some kind of understanding. She knows that he's scared, and what he's scared of, and tells him that he'll always be Maddie's father. He's trusted her for Maddie's whole life to not do anything to compromise his relationship with his daughter. She says that he has to keep trusting her. And why wouldn't he trust a woman who's smart enough to burn the results of a paternity test after she gets them, or keep them secure in a safe deposit box off-site, or at least store them on a high shelf? Oh, wait. But Teddy believes Rayna when she says she won't harm their father-daughter relationship.
Cut to Maddie on her bed, with the contents of Rayna's big box o'secrets spread out before her. There are a few little files and other tools amongst the pile, so I guess she picked the lock on the box. Maddie is on the phone with a friend, crying. She found -- you guessed it! -- a paternity test, and now she doesn't think that her dad is her father. With Maddie crying, the episode ends, and a nation thinks, "OH SHIT." And also, "Who keeps the results of a paternity test?"
week: HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS. Maddie goes to Deacon and tells him that he might be her father, Deacon confronts Rayna, Juliette maybe is about to lose it on live TV, CMA awards, Scarlett leaves Gunnar and sings with Avery, Teddy and Deacon have fisticuffs, and Rayna asks Deacon if he's drunk as he screams at her. I reiterate: HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS.